From:  Santa
Subj:  North pole Downsizing

Seasons Greetings from the North Pole:

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about
whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate as the North Pole no longer dominates the
season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail
order  catalogues have diminished our market share and we can not sit idly
by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
model Japanese sled for my annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher
and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and
should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in
reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the
North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be
disturbed. Tradition still counts for something here at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak
that Rudolph's nose got that way not due to substance abuse. Calling
Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the
load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken
out of context at a time of the year when helpers are known to be under
executive stress.

Today's global challenges require the North Pole continually to look for
better, more competitive measures. Effective immediately, the following
economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"
program:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option.  An analysis is underway to determine who the
birds have been calling, and how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longed be
afforded.  It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.  Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good
one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The
current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, and therefore
enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility.  Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense
of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an
oversupply of unemployed congressman this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band getting to big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on
new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down
to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals,
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will
request management to scrutinise the Snow White program to see if seven
dwarves is the right number.

Happy Holidays!

Santa

Don't know where it came from.  One of my pad pals (as opposed to pen
pals)
relayed it to me.

cfn, d.