On Sun, 8 Dec 1996 02:06:33 -0500 (EST), you wrote:
greatly appreciated. I'm especially looking for comments on my writing
style. I'm not really used to writing prose fiction yet.
I've read it and it seems good so far.
given love and affection to him as her pet P-chan, affection that he
had never known as himself.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I'd put it "had never known in human form.", but that's just me.
I'll have to think about it.
>from the start... But now there was nothing he could do. He had dug
himself into a hole, and the only thing he could do was to keep
digging deeper.
Right, Ryoga. Try to dig yourself out and you'll only get lost
again. ^_^
Yeah, there are some advantages to being in a hole. Just hope he
doesn't dig into a sewer tunnel.
mad about?" he asked, sounding a little irritated himself. Was it his
fault Shampoo tried to glomp him again at lunch?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
watch tense here.
"Was it his fault Shampoo had tried to glomp him again at lunch?"
Right.
Ranma jumped off the fence top and came around the corner,
noticing the situation. "This ain't Osaka, you jerk! We're a couple of
blocks from the Dojo! Get inside before it's..."
I don't think Ranma would resort to 'jerk' this early in the
conversation...perhaps 'idiot'.
Right, that does sound more appropriate.
"O... OK, Akane," stammered Ranma, "I'll grab Ryoga's backpack
and his..." His clothes. His clothes were right there, and he wasn't
in them. She's GOTTA know now, he thought.
"Pick up the laundry Ryoga was carrying and let's go!!" Akane
dragged Ranma home as he was too stunned to move.
I like this part.
volunteered once again to be the official pig-washer. Why had Akane
never given her pet a bath herself?
Didn't Akane try to give P-chan a hotwash in the manga? (although
this may have taken place AFTER Akari).
I don't know. I'm dependent on Viz for my manga :(
someone named Yamaguchi. She got one look at me and remembered her
^^^^^^^^^
Heh.
A realization struck Ranma, as if he had been hit an
^^^
by
eighteen-wheel truck. Azusa had figured it out.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
'Eighteen-wheeler' might sound better flowing...? I dunno.
Akane is stupider than... AZUSA??!?!?!
Watch it. Akane fans might come knocking on your door for that. ^_^
Hey, Ranma thought this, not me!
It couldn't be. "It just doesn't make sense" he thought aloud.
"Yeah. My umbrella wasn't all that cute. She could get one
just like it at..." Ranma turned the cold water on Ryoga and his words
turned into a stream of pig-squeal.
This was funny.
A voice from outside interrupted. "Pig-tailed girl! Where are
you, my love?"
I suggest
"Where art thou, my love?"
Yeah! Cool.
(of course, if you really want to write Kuno, ask Kapster. Isn't that
right, Kappy?)
"Of course," continued Kasumi, "there are exceptions."
^_^
something? Maybe it was a dumb idea to ask Kasumi to help him
^^^^^^^^
Maybe it had been a dumb idea to ....
had something more immediate to deal with. "If it isn't underclassman
^
capital u
Kuno, the True Blunder of Furinkan High. Whaddaya want?"
Good parody of his title.
"I dunno, too many nuts in it" replied Ranma disinterestedly.
Can't say that I ROTFL but I did chuckle.
"I bring a gift for the pig-tailed girl" Kuno replied,
indicating the chocolates.
"All right! Thanks, man!" Ranma started wolfing down
chocolates, happy that he would now not have to go hungry until
dinnertime.
ROTFL (because Ranma just tore into the chocolates right after
Kuno's words, regardless). Just seems funny, that's all.
into the water. "A present for you, my sweet." He placed a soggy piece
^^^^^^
just a suggestion, I think 'popped' would convey the mood better.
Sounds good.
eighteen-wheel truck parked on top of him. Not only because he still
Hey, buddy. Could you move your
eighteen-wheel-truck-that-is-perpetually-parked-on-me? :)
Suddenly everything fell into place. Ranma felt a release,
like the eighteen-wheel truck moving off and leaving him lying on the
road.
Thanks, buddy. Now to scrape myself off the road. Ukyo, can you
give me a hand?
"Akane!!! How long have you known!?"
TO BE CONCLUDED
Not nicely, I suppose.
Probably not as badly as you might think.
[*] -- Of course we can't rule out simple incompetence.
Is this supposed to be a foot note?
Yeah. The reference is way up in the third paragraph. Guess I need to
move the footnote up.
Overall, great prose that brings your ideas across quickly and in a
straightforward manner. A refreshing break from 'serious fics'.
Thanks!
This is your first time writing novel style? Hard to believe, mind
Well, except for a revengefic and a spamfic or two, yes.
you. Finish this fic or I'll ask the DBTFH to prod you (even if you are one
of them).
I'm not, actually. And I already know what's going to be in part 2, so
it's just a question of sitting down and writing the #%$^$#% thing.
Y'see, my strategy for avoiding the wrath of the DBTFH (tm) is not to
release _anything_ until I have it all planned out. They can't prod me
for a story they don't know about yet. (heh)
Gary
Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe