Dark Streamline A.D. Viz-ion Image Entertainment Presents...
A "Not-Bloody-Likely" Production
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----------- THE GREAT ANIME CROSSOVER FROM HELL!!! -----------
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by Erin Mills and Christopher Willmore, "Two Schmoes What Write
Fanfics."
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Episode 6: Don't Get Mad...Get FURRYOUS!!!
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With apologies to the creators of the characters herein.
"Sailor Slacker" and all miscellaneous accessories used with the kind
permission of Joyce "Azusa" Meadows.
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Special thanks to Foxtrot for submitting to our horrific plans.
Additional Writers' Credits: John W. Biles and Rob G. Orick have
also provided valuable input and corrections.
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NOTES FLOAT WITH THE AID OF BOATS, AND SO DO THESE QUOTES:
Time: Immediately after ep. 5
"Please don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me
when I'm angry."
---Bill Bixby as Dr. David Banner, "The Incredible Hulk"
"It was a mistake to make me unhappy!"
---Ryouga Hibiki, "Ranma Movie #2"
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"Ukyou?"
"Yes?"
"Am I imagining things or are those two ballistic missiles flying
over the DC skyline?"
Ukyou gulped, Gally's eyes went wide and Aaron's headache, which
he'd had since he was released, moved several steps closer to
becoming a migraine.
"Right!" said Aaron, and began running toward the amalgam of
humans, ghosts and mecha that were surrounding the Washington
Monument.
"What are you doing?" Gally called after him.
"I'm gonna do what Floy told me to do, I'm going to try to be a
hero!"
* * * * *
"It was a mistake to make me unhappy!" said Ryouga, doing the
Blue Aura Thing so prevalent in "Ranma 1/2." Across from him, Joy A.
Plains, a.k.a. Sailor Slacker, gulped.
All she wanted to do was go to the Ranmaverse. So she let
Happosai change her into Sailor Slacker, champion of leisure time.
But before he would take her there, the old letch had said that she
had to get rid of these ghosts that were hanging around the
Washington Monument.
But when she tried to take out Roy F**ker, Ryouga had shown up
from nowhere and taken the full blast of her "Course Failing
Degradation." Now it looked like she was going to get into the
Guinness Book of World Records for shortest time spent as a superhero.
All of a sudden there was a flash of black leather, and a boy
with short brown hair and black rimmed glasses was in front of her.
"Ryouga, wha..."
That was as far as he got.
"SHISHI HOUKODAN!" Ryouga bellowed, sending out a ki blast of
immense energy. Aaron took the full force of the blast and went
flying over the crowd and straight into the monument itself.
"Aaron!" shouted Ukyou, who had just arrived with Gally. The
okonomiyaki chef and the cyborg rushed over to him. Ryouga, realising
what he had done, followed.
Aaron lay on the ground, his eyes shut, his skin pale, his
clothes smoking. He twitched every few seconds as the last of the ki-
energy dissipated.
"You killed him!" cried Lusheeta.
"No," said Ukyou, feeling for a pulse. "He's not dead. Although
when he wakes up, he probably wish he was. What the hell did you
think you were doing, Ryouga?"
"I saw this crazy woman with the red boots get ready to attack
this blonde guy, and decided to put a stop to it," the vagabond
replied.
"Which crazy woman in the red boots?" asked the still topless
Minmei. Serena and Slacker both clonked her one.
"I've wanted to do that for years," said Slacker.
"Is he going to be all right?" asked Nina Purpleton.
"I hope so," said Ukyou. "He just might be our only ticket back
home,"
Meanwhile, in Aaron's subconscious...
<uuuuuhhhhh...what hit me?...light...blue light...ki
energy...Shishi Houkodan...Ryouga...Ryouga blasted me?...Why? What did
I do? Just tried to have a nice relaxing Spring Break is all. Make
some extra money, watch some anime, go to the con. But noooo, now
I've suddenly become responsible for a mess of crazed anime
characters who shouldn't even *be* here in the first place! Now, one
of them has just blasted me with his own ki-energy for no good
reason!!...god, that PISSES ME RIGHT OFF!!!!>
The crowd of anime characters jumped back when Aaron sat bolt
upright, and expression on his face that could kill if looks were
lethal.
"Right!" he yelled. "THAT'S IT! I WANT GODDAMN ANSWERS AND I WANT
THEM NOW!" His gaze fell on Ryouga, who was looking as if he wished he
was lost right now.
"You!" Aaron continued to rant. "What's the big idea of blasting
me?"
"I-I wasn't!" said Ryouga, taken aback. "I was aiming for the
blonde girl in the jeans!" Aaron rounded on Sailor Slacker.
"Okay, you, what's YOUR problem?!"
"Well, I wanted to go to the Ranmaverse, and Happosai said he'd
take me there if I--"
"HAPPOSAI?!" Aaron screeched. "That little panty-snatching pervert
is here, as well?!"
"Yeah!" Minmei piped up, giggling. "He gave me money for--"
"I DON'T want to know! What did you need money for any---"
"OHHHH, GUNDAM!" cried Aphrodite-A. Aaron looked up, got the
general idea, and got angry all over again.
"WOULD YOU TWO PLEASE CUT THAT OUT! DC has enough problems with
out two forty foot mechs having sex next to the Washington Monument!
And what are they doing here, anyway? Last I heard, only ONE mech had
landed here."
"That would be the SDF-1's bridge," said F**ker, trying to
placate the strange American.
"And you!" Aaron said, recognising the speaker. "What are you
doing here? You're supposed to be dead! You too!" he added, seeing
Nina.
Roy briefly explained how he and Lusheeta had appeared on the SDF-
1 and how some tattooed woman had granted his wish to be with Nina.
"Tattooed woman?" Aaron asked. He looked around and saw the
Charge of the Bimbo Brigade beginning to edge away from the group.
"Gally!" he said. Gally, while normally not afraid of much,
hurried to stop the girls before Aaron decided to break his own laws.
"Okay," said Aaron, taking a deep breath. "What exactly did you
do?" The Charge of the Bimbo Brigade started to cry.
Meanwhile, Ukyou leaned over to Ryouga.
"What did you do to him?"
"I don't know," Ryouga answered. "The Shishi Houkodan never acted
like that back in Nerima,"
"But we're not in Nerima," said Ukyou, "Maybe it has a different
effect on people here than in our own world,"
This was in fact the case. The negative ki created by Sailor
Slacker that Ryouga had absorbed was blended into Ryouga's own negative
ki that powered the Shishi Houkodan. Due to the odd changes of ki
between worlds, Aaron had absorbed both blasts and was venting it in
the only way most people knew how.
Finally getting the story out of the three crying girls, Aaron
reached into his pocket, stomped towards the phone booth, put a
quarter in the slot and dialled the Baskin-Robbins number in reverse.
He waited for the flashy pyrotechnics mentioned in episode 5
to happened again.
All he got was voice mail.
"You have reached Skuld's programming, debugging and goddess
helpline. I'm afraid I'm not in right now, and Belldandy's off with
some PERVERT down on the Earth. I STILL can't believe she did that...
She actually left the HEAVENS to join that... That little... ARGH!
Anyway, if you need divine intervention, go bug my sister... You
can reach her at DRU-TOH-1-009-1. Oh, yeah. It's a buck ninety-five
a minute. If you need help with something computer-related, leave a
message after the beep. If not, hang up. *BEEP*"
*Click*
<That was... Odd...> Thought Aaron. <All right, so now I have
to call up Urd...>
He reached into his pockets, and found a grand total of five forty-
one in coins. Miller thanked his lucky stars he never spent any of his
loose change.
"I have two minutes... Here goes!"
He put the money into the slot, punched each number firmly, and was
rewarded with the appearance of a scantily-dressed, white-haired goddess,
with all the suitable noises, explosions and flashes of light.
"Goddess Help Hotline. Urd at your service." She winked.
Even from this distance, Ryouga nosebled. "What do you... DESIRE?"
She floated down to ground level and began to stroke Aaron's chin.
"I... Uh..."
"Ryouga! Close your eyes, or you'll BLEED to death!"
"U... Urd-san..."
Ukyou reached behind her, and in one fluid motion sent a
four-foot battle spatula crashing down on the Lost Boy's head.
"It's for your own good, hon..."
"I wish that this whole mess never happened," said Aaron.
Urd frowned. "Is that REALLY what you want?" Aaron nodded.
Urd took in a deep breath. "REALLY?"
"Well... Maybe not REALLY... I..."
"Oh, APHRODITE!" yelled the Gundam Unit 2's synthesised voice.
Even through cheap military-issue speakers, it reeked of ecstasy.
The steam coming out of Miller's ears seemed to clear his mind.
He grit his teeth.
"I am VERY, VERY, sure, now!" Then, turning to the robots...
"Will you two STOP THAT?!? You're in the middle of DC, for cryin'
out loud!!!"
Urd smiled. "Oh, I don't mind... It goes quite well with that...
That MONUMENT..." Her face hardened. "Is that an official wish? You
wish that 'this' had never happened?"
"Yeah."
"Can't win 'em all..." sighed the goddess. "One moment please."
Urd floated in a column of blue light for a moment, then returned to
the ground.
"I'm sorry, Aaron Miller, due to orders from Floy we cannot grant
your wish."
Aaron cursed. Urd looked around at the chaotic group surrounding
them.
"However," she continued, "Certain persons and items are not
supposed to be here, so I suppose you COULD wish them away." A pause,
a lusty smile, and a few steps nearer our hero. "Or, CLOSER to you..."
Wink.
The pass was deliberately ignored.
"Let's see..." said Aaron. He cast his eyes over the group. What
could Floy have in mind? Got it.
"I wish that the two mecha, the ballistic missiles, the SDF-1,
Captain Shroom-head over there, and this woman," he gestured at Sailor
Slacker, "Were gone."
"Hey! Don't you DARE call me 'this woman'!" said Slacker. "Whaddya
think I am? Minmei?"
"Huh?"
"Never mind, La Puta. You wouldn't understand..."
"Okay..."
"According to Floy, everything you just mentioned can go. ESPECIALLY
Gloval."
"Thank God."
*Ahem*
"Er... Thank GODDESS?"
"Better. One things stays - the woman. She is from this world and
cannot be removed."
"But... But.. But I *want* to go to Animeland! Take me with you! Take
me with you!" shouted Joy, going as far as sinking to her knees and
clasping both hands together before Urd interrupted her.
"It's beyond the reach of my authority..."
"You mean I'll have to wait for Happosai to do it?"
"Happosai?" Urd paled. "That's the ONE person I know who can match
me in... In 'certain things'... Is HE able to reality-jump?"
"That's what he TOLD me!" said Slacker.
"Sorry to disturb you," said Aaron, "But there IS the teensy weensie
little matter of my wishes to deal with, and I only have thirty seconds
left on my tab."
"Oh," said Urd. "Right." She cleared her throat, and smoothed her
dress. "Don't worry about the bill. Floy has given you unlimited credit.
What do you want removed first?"
"Let's get rid of the missiles. We don't need 'Aftermath' coming to
life."
"Approved..." There was a flash of light, and the two missiles
turned into a sperm whale and a bowl of petunias, which crashed
precipitously to the ground. In later years, it would be the subject of
much learned discussion among mathematicians, scientists, statisticians
and naturalists as to why they should have landed exactly on top of the
Natural History museum. For now, all that mattered was that Washington
had been saved from nuclear annihilation.
"Next?"
"Gloval."
"But of course!" A smile, a flash of light, and the ex-SDF captain
vanished.
"Where'd Gloval GO?" asked Minmei.
"Don't worry 'bout it," F**ker told her. "If he is where I THINK he
is, he'll enjoy it. They don't call it Anime Heaven for nothing..."
Nina blushed.
"Roy, not in front of the CHILDREN!"
"Sorry."
"Anything else?" asked Urd.
"I'm going to ENJOY this one... Urd, get rid of the MECHS!"
"Which one?"
"Both of them!"
"Which one FIRST?"
"What???"
"It isn't MY idea; Floy told us YOU had to call ALL the shots. We
aren't authorised to make ANY decisions on our own."
"Oh. Well... The Aphrodite-A, then."
The white-haired goddess closed her eyes for a second, then pointed
at the robot.
"Your wish has been approved." The mech disappeared in a flash of
light, revealing Yohko's corpse.
"Wait a minute? Yohko's DEAD?!? That's not supposed to happen!" He
frowned.
<Got to see if there's SOME way to bring her back to life...>
"Which mech next?"
Aaron blinked.
"There's only one left..."
"Floy's orders, remember?"
Miller sighed.
"Ok, ok... The Gundam Unit 2."
"Your wish has been ap..."
"Oh, no you DON'T!" A voice from behind him.
<Great. Who is it THIS time?> thought Aaron. <With MY luck,
someone's zapped the AD Police here from BGC...>
He turned around, and stopped.
<Damn; it IS the AD Police.>
In front of him was Gina, straight out of her appearance in 'The
Phantom Lady'. Shoulder-length black hair, red Rambo-style bandanna,
trim build and hardsuit, PLUS a very BIG, very MEAN-LOOKING anime-style
blaster, which was moving from targeting Miller, to Purpleton, to Urd,
the Bimbos, and then back to Aaron.
"The Gundam STAYS!" she said. In baritone.
"My HERO!" Purpleton was quivering with emotion.
"Nani? Nina, what's wrong?" F**ker was just SLIGHTLY confused...
"The Gundam II is going to be SAFE!"
"Look, Nina, do you really need IT around when I'M here? It'll only
get in the way, and..."
Purpleton shot Roy a look that could freeze hydrogen.
"Hip hip, hooray..." said F**ker timidly.
<She must've caught a cold,> thought Aaron as he recollected the
deep voice of the stranger. The would-be world hero squinted. <Wait a
minute... That face, those features... And the chest..>
"Great! Just what I NEED!" he moaned. "NOW Gina's fallen into the
'Spring of Drowned Man!'"
"Gina?" the cursed AD-Policeman blinked. "I don't see Gina... Has
SHE warped here, too?"
"Nani? YOU'RE Gina!"
"No, I'm not! I'm a GUY!!!"
"That's what we ALL say," said Ryouga, rubbing his head as he
woke up from his spatulation.
"Look, Hibiki, I'm NOT Jusenkyo-cursed!"
"You're an ANIME character!" said Miller. "How do you know so much
about the OTHER series?"
"The newcomer isn't an anime character," said Urd. "And..." She
smiled. "It's DEFINITELY a 'he'."
The armoured figure blushed, and began to stammer.
"You're SURE he's not a Hibiki?" asked Ukyou.
"He can tell you that himself," answered Urd.
"Get rid of the mech, first!" said Aaron. "I don't want to even
THINK what it'll start doing, now that it's ALONE!"
The red-bandanna'd boy snapped out of his Urd-induced stupor, and
frowned.
"The Gundam Unit two STAYS. With ME." He rammed the blaster against
Aaron's forehead. "Capiche?"
"And with me, of course," said Nina.
"Nina Purpleton, I presume?"
"Hai."
"And with her," he concluded.
"Er... Keep that wish on hold, will you, Urd?"
Urd nodded.
"But... WHO ARE you?"
"I LIKE him!" said Sheeta, jumping up and down.
"I LIKE him!" said Minmei, jumping up and down. The mystery man's
nose began to bleed again, as his eyes followed the bouncing balls...
"I'll help you!" said Ryouga. "Anyone who wears a bandanna can't be
all bad." Pig-boy got up, took off one of his infinite supply of yellow-
and-black cloth squares, and tied it around the other boy's face,
effectively cutting off circulation to his nose. "It's an old trick of
mine," he explained. "I use it all the time..."
"Thanks."
"Now, how about if you introduce yourself?" asked Ukyou.
"Yeah!" shouted Serena.
With his left hand, the stranger reached into a hidden pocket and
pulled out a business card, handing it to Aaron for him to read.
"What's this?" he asked.
"My card."
"It's got a picture of Ryo-ohki on it."
"I know. Read it. Out loud, for all to hear..."
"It says..." He paused. Then blinked. Then looked up. "ANIME
LIBERATION FRONT???"
"That's me," grinned the newcomer. "Chris Williams, of the Anime
Liberation Front."
"And you're not an Anime character..."
"Nope."
"The gun, the suit..."
"Ran into Parn and a few of the GBC characters. After some
persuasion, they were glad to give me their equipment."
<Parn? I KNEW that armour looked familiar...>
"How'd you manage THAT?"
"I told them who I was."
"AND?"
"Then, I told them the title of my 'fics."
"'Fics?"
Sailor Slacker's face suddenly brightened.
"I KNOW YOU!!!" she said. "Chris Williams! Of course!"
"You two have MET?" asked Aaron.
"Haven't had the pleasure," said Chris, before turning to Joy. "Who
ARE you?"
"Sailor Slacker." Williams arched an eyebrow. "Er... Joy A.
Plains."
"YOU'RE Joy? So GREAT to finally meet you! Here for the con?"
"Well... Actually... I came here on a field trip with my comp.
myth. class, but I was hoping that..."
"Guys?" asked Aaron. "There's STILL a very BIG gun pointed at my
head, the Gundam is STILL here, and we STILL haven't settled exactly HOW
some Joe Schmoe ended up with Lodoss armour and a BGC blaster..."
"He writes dark 'fics, and posts them to this ML I'm on...."
explained Joy. "VERY dark 'fics."
"Hai," said Chris. "I convinced the chars that _I_ was behind all
these goings-on, and that if they didn't do as I said, I'd write a fanfic
featuring THEM, and bring it to life."
Joy laughed. "I guess they forked the stuff over pretty quickly..."
"Five seconds flat. In any case..." he turned to Aaron. "The
current situation is an Otaku's dream come true, and there's NO WAY I'm
letting you get things back to normal."
"But all the chaos! The crashes, the battles... And nothing's
happening the way it SHOULD!"
"Fix it some other way."
Aaron looked at the goddess.
"Would it be possible to make another wish?"
Urd thought about it, and went back into the column of blue light.
"According to our records, Floy has given you three wishes. You
have two to go."
"But that last one didn't get filled!"
Urd shrugged.
"The Aphrodite-A, Gloval and the missiles DID disappear..."
"Oh, well..."
Aaron tried to think, but his migraine was wrecking his
concentration. The sight of Yohko's corpse and the gun at his head
weren't making it any easier...
<Wait a minute! That's it! I'll just... Damn! Urd can't affect
things from THIS world, and if I try to get rid of more characters...
Hmm...>
"Okay." Miller smiled. "I've decided."
"On what?"
"I wish for Yohko to be alive and for my headache to be gone."
"Your wishes have been approved." Twin streams of blue energy shot
out of Urd's hands, one going to Aaron's head, and the other to the
late Devil Hunter. After a lot of glowing, theme-song-playing and
ionisation of air, a healed Yohko stood upright, and Aaron, having calmed
down, collapsed on the grass.
"He could've just taken a TYLENOL," muttered Williams.
* * * * *
Unbeknownst to everyone, a small figure lurked near the form of
the newly-resurrected Yohko. Nobody but that person noticed
the transformation wand lying in the grass next to the remains of
Sailor Mars.
The figure bounced out of his hiding place grabbed the rod and
was away before anyone noticed.
"What a haul! What a haul!" said Happosai.
* * * * *
"Hold it right there!" yelled a gruff voice. "You, with the gun and
the bandanna!"
"Uh-oh," said Aaron. "The Police have arrived..."
"I'll take care of them!" said Sailor Slacker.
Chris blinked.
"Uh... Joy? If you're going to try THAT, we'd be better off
with Minmei or Usagi..."
"My name is SERENA!"
"Whatever."
"Williams NO HENTAI! That's NOT what I meant!"
"WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED!" boomed a voice from a loudspeaker.
"AND WE HAVE WARRANTS FOR ALL YOUR ARRESTS!"
"On what charges?" asked Aaron.
"ASSAULT, DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY, VANDALISM AND INDECENT
EXPOSURE."
"Oh." Miller frowned. "This looks bad..."
"No sweat, really!" said Joy.
"Being around these airheads," said Williams, gesturing to the
bimbo brigade, "must've gotten to your HEAD! It's the WHOLE of the DC
POLICE! LOOK AT THE CARS! THERE MUST BE TWO DOZEN!"
"Four dozen, actually," said a nearby policeman.
"See???"
Slacker just smiled, and pulled out her transformation wand.
Chris's eyes widened.
"Oh?" said Aaron. "You didn't KNOW? When she said she was Sailor
Slacker, she wasn't kidding..."
"WHAT? How did this HAPPEN?!?"
"It's a long story about a short pervert."
<I DON'T want to know...>
Joy brushed herself off, straightened her hair, and cleared her
throat.
Then, she began to pose. While twitching her body in unbelievably
complicated spastic contractions, she intoned:
"I am Sailor Slacker, Champion of Leisure Time! And YOU," she
pointed at the police, "would force us to do work."
"Work?" asked a puzzled cop.
"You think it's FUN to fill out all the paperwork for bail? But
you won't get away with it! In the name of the Net, I will IGNORE YOU!"
"Huh?"
The anti-senshi waved her wand in a 'Z'-pattern.
"BACK-ROW.... SLEEP... ACTIVATE!!!"
A glow formed around all the policemen, and they suddenly seemed
to lose all awareness of the anime characters...
"It worked!" yelled Aaron.
"What work?" asked Chris.
"My attack. They'll forget all about us, at least for a few
minutes."
"It's not permanent?"
"*I* don't know! I'm new to this! But I'm just guessing... Since
the TV episodes are each only twenty-two minutes long..."
"Gotcha." Chris surveyed the crowd. "Hmm... First things first.
We've gotta find out what's causing all this, and get it under control."
Miller beamed. "Under CONTROL, I said. Not STOPPED. I just don't want
whoever-it-is beaming in the Lodoss dragons, or something."
"Neither do I, but even the mechs were..." Chris twirled his
blaster around. Aaron gulped. "Got it."
"Where do we start?" asked Slacker.
"Let's split up!" said Aaron.
"Best idea he's had all day." Chris stroked his chin. "Let's see...
Who do we have here? There's Minmei, Purpleton, Yohko... She IS
alive, right?"
Ukyou nodded.
"Hai," she said. "She just hasn't completely recovered yet."
"Good... All right, then there's Kuonji, Hibiki, F**ker, Urd..."
"Actually, I'm just leaving," said the goddess, and disappeared in
a flash of blue.
"Ok.... Maybe we DON'T have Urd. But there's always Gally..." A
pause. "Where IS Gally, anyway?"
Aaron looked around.
"Damn! She's GONE again!"
"We'll find her later. With all the OTHER characters running around,
someone who's out to decapitate thieves is the LEAST of our problems...
Right now, let's just finish our head count."
There was a collective groan.
"No pun intended," Chris said nervously. <Have to remember,> he
reminded
himself, <do NOT pun in front of people who have access to malletspace...
I was lucky THIS time, but in the future...> Williams cleared his throat,
and continued. "Let's see... Then, I guess we have the Gundam Unit 2,
Lusheeta and Usagi the Bimbo."
"I BEG YOUR PARDON?!?"
"Nanda?!?" Chris turned to see who had spoken. <No. It can't be...>
It was. There, not twenty metres from him, a giant rabbit in samurai
armour was finishing off a pizza with a humanoid turtle in an orange
bandanna.
"It's Usagi YOJIMBO, not Usagi the BIMBO!"
"I'M SERENA!" said Serena.
"Right... Sorry, Yojimbo. I forgot I was dealing with the dub..."
<Whoever's dragged HER in must be a real DIC...>
"Just don't do it AGAIN," said the rabbit, and returned to his
pepperoni and cheese.
"Ranma and Akane are also around," said Aaron, "and Rick Hunter
and Lisa Hayes ran off some time ago... Then there's also Gally, and..."
"I KNOW that," said Chris. "You haven't been to the con yet,
have you?"
Miller shook his head.
"There's TONS of anime characters running around. Don't bother
trying to name them all. I just want to know who's HERE, so that we
can form GROUPS, and find out WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED!"
"Oh."
"All right. Ukyou; Ryouga, go and find Ranma and whatever other
Nerimans are out there. ESPECIALLY Happosai, if you can find him."
"Try to figure out what happened at that Anime company," said
Aaron.
"Hai," said Kuonji. "Come on, Ryouga!" The Hibiki nodded, and they
left.
"Yohko, Sheeta and Minmei - you three can..." Williams frowned.
<What CAN they do?> "You three... Uh..."
"You three go off and look for Rick and Lisa," volunteered Aaron.
<Good...> thought Chris. <No way they can mess THAT up...>
"Oh, boy!" said Minmei. "I get to see RICK again!"
"Let's GO!" shouted Lusheeta, and dragged the barely-conscious
Yohko behind her on her way out of the park.
"F**ker," asked Williams, "Can you fly?"
"I can," said the ghost.
"I assume Nina can handle the Gundam?"
"I designed it, didn't I?"
"All right... You two get an aerial survey of Washington done."
"Hai!" they said in unison. Purpleton clambered into the mech's
cockpit, and Roy floated up beside her. There was a huge roar of engines,
and they lifted off in a cloud of fire.
"Ok... That leaves Usa... Serena, myself, Joy and..."
"My name is Aaron Miller."
"And Miller. Let's go to 'Ye Olde Anime Con', shall we?"
"Why should we?"
"What place is more NATURAL for a starting point of an anime
invasion of reality?"
"Point taken..."
* * * * *
Meanwhile, at a cheap hotel just a few blocks from the convention
building, an eighteen-year old girl and a gopher were busy playing
cards.
"I REALLY wish you'd told me you were a REAL gopher," said the
brown-eyed, black-haired girl.
The animal help up a sign: {I DID! I DID!}
"Well, YES, but when people write things like that on the ML,
I don't usually BELIEVE it... At least I found SOMEONE to play
poker with, since they won't allow pets into the con building..."
She sighed. "Figures. For the second time in a row, I'm in a hotel
just BLOCKS away from all the action, and for the second time in
a row, I've blown all my cash on anime videos and can't buy a TICKET!
Just my rotten luck... And Viles, Orock and Williams were going to be
there, too..."
{FULL HOUSE.}
"Straight flush."
{!!!}
"You know what they say... Lucky at cards, unlucky at cons..."
She winked. "And you KNOW how good I am at poker games..."
Just then, there was a knock at the window. At the fourteenth-
storey window.
"Who could THAT be? Don't tell me you-know-who really DOES have
a rocket-pack..." She glared at the gopher. "But after THIS, I wouldn't
be surprised!"
{WELL, YOU TURNED OUT NOT TO BE A FOX, AND *I'M* NOT COMPLAINING!
I _AM_ DISAPPOINTED, THOUGH...} He put down the sign and took another
swig of Baka Pepper.
After smacking the gopher on the head soundly, Patricia opened the
window with a sigh. Nothing came in but the cold evening breeze.
"Must've been imagining things..."
"PRETTY LADY! PRETTY LADY!"
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
{DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A PERVERT ON YOUR BOSOM?}
"Get it off of me! Get it off of me!"
Happosai hopped off.
"I'd love to stay, but I've got to go... Looking for a..." He
paused, and stared. "A black-haired..." Patricia's ebony strands
blew across her face in the wind. "Brown-eyed..." Her dark eyes
glared at him from behind wire-frame glasses. "Lady..." Happosai
gulped. "Are you... Are you Patricia Pauline Collier?"
The woman nodded.
"I am," she said. "And YOU are..."
"Happi's my name!"
"You're kidding."
"No!"
"You're joking!"
"I'm SERIOUS! Note the height, and here's my bag... I can show you
the panties, if you like!" He pulled some polka-dotted, flimsy pieces
of cloth from his sack, and held them out in front of Collier.
"Hey, those are MINE!"
"You want them back?"
{I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK.}
"That's... All right.. But... Er... Aren't you ANIMATED?"
"Not anymore!"
"I need a drink..." Patricia walked to the card table, picked up
what was left of the Baka Pepper, and swallowed it at a gulp.
"I have a proposition for you..."
"THAT'S IT! ANIME CHARACTER OR NOT, I'M CALLING SECURITY!"
"Not THAT kind of proposition."
"WHAT kind, then?"
"I want you to hold a rod, then yell."
The woman reached for the phone.
{I'M GOING TO BE LEAVING, NOW...}
"Oh, no you don't, Gopher! There's NO WAY I'm being left alone
with THIS pervert!"
"Calm down! It's a TRANSFORMATION WAND!"
"Transformation wand?"
"Here. Take this."
Happosai reached into his bag and pulled out Mars's wand, now
properly reversed.
"What am I supposed to do with it?"
"Yell."
"AND?"
"It will give you special abilities, and powers..."
"What kind of powers?"
"It varies, but they're always appropriate to the person's
personality. That's why I've come to you. The rod will only work for
YOU. You're the only one whose spirit matches its requirements."
"What are those requirements?"
"You have to be a mirror image of the original owner."
"Who WAS..."
"Well... Er... She was spiritual, and brave, and concise, and..."
"Ok. I get the point. So I'm not exactly a silent warrior nun, but
I *STILL* won't go for it. Sorry if I don't trust you... But I don't
usually make a habit of listening to dirty old animated men's advice. I
KNOW what happened to Hinako after you gave her 'special abilities'..."
"Did you notice what she changes INTO, though?"
The woman's eyes widened. <He DOES have a point... In adult form,
she...>
"Even if you DON'T trust me, what do you think anything *I* give
a girl will do to them?"
Patricia smiled as she thought of the implications of that, and
snatched the wand.
"All right. What do I have to yell?"
"THAT'S the spirit! Just think of the two words that describe you
best, and follow them by 'Power'!"
{WAIT A MINUTE... IS THAT ONE OF THE SENSHI'S WANDS??? [AND WHAT
THE HECK ARE THE SENSHI DOING IN DC?]}
Before anyone could read the sign, Happosai kicked the gopher out
the window.
"Oops," he said.
"Don't worry about it. He was getting on my nerves, anyway. You say
that this thing'll give me a figure like Hinako's?"
"Try it and see!"
"Well... Here goes..." <I can always figure out HOW he came to
life, AFTER I get the body...>
She thought for a moment. Two words. Two words to describe her...
Well... Right now her life was Anime, and spam, and animated spam, and,
and... <That's IT!>
"ANIMATED... SPAM... POWER!!!" A beam of yellow light shot out from
the top of the stick, and surrounded her in translucent coils of energy.
Gradually, her clothing dissolved, leaving her exposed before the two-
foot lecher as she levitated and began to spin about.
In synch with the theme music that had started to play, Patricia's
skin cleared, her limbs stretched, and her hair lightened to a perfect
auburn. New curves formed and old ones were enhanced, features matured,
and, a whole new outfit rematerialised upon her. Taking the place of the
T-shirt and jeans came a jet-black bodysuit, topped by combat fatigues.
As a final touch, her ears stretched out and grew soft fur, her
fingernails
extended, and a perfectly-formed, bushy tail grew out from where... Out
from where tails USUALLY grow out from. The music stopped. The energy
flows ceased, and the transformed woman opened her eyes. Her GREEN eyes.
"Say hello to Sailor Spam!" she cried. <WHY did I just do that?
Maybe if I don't mention it, no one will notice... But now... Let's
see...> "Did it work?" she asked. Her voice sounded different. It was a
lot... Silkier, for some reason...
All Happosai could do was nod and stare.
"What is it? Did I become some bug-eyed monster, or something?"
The wand in her hand glowed somewhat, and then there was a slight
*pop* as it changed its shape. "A miniature cattle prod? I don't..."
A pause. "Waitaminute... WHERE'S THAT MIRROR?"
She ran into the bathroom, and flipped the light switch.
"It IS! It's FOXTROT!" Foxtrot, a.k.a. Sailor Spam, squealed with
delight. "Oh, I LOVE you! I don't CARE if you're the most despicable
character in all of mangadom, I STILL want to hug you!"
The lecher was still in shock from the no-holds-barred
transformation... Not that he would have RESISTED, in any case.
Just as Sailor Spam grabbed Happosai and held him to her chest,
she was startled by a knock at the door. Before she could react, it
collapsed inwards, and a tall, brown-haired, pony-tailed boy in a
Ranma 1/2 shirt fell into the room.
"Help me!" he yelled. "My .sigs have come to LIFE, and they're
AFTER MY HEAD!"
Foxtrot and Happi stared at him. He stared at the two of them.
In particular, he noticed the fact that one of them was securely attached
to the chest of the other.
"Uh..." he stammered. "Have I come at a bad time?"
"Come on, Virgo!" cried a voice from the hall. "I saw him head
THIS way!"
* * * * *
Williams, Miller, Serena and Plains looked around the empty
conference hall.
"Are we in the right place?" asked Aaron.
"It's so SPOOKY!" complained Serena.
Chris shrugged.
"When they noticed all the anime characters outside, they
figured it was no use discussing the videos and manga in HERE
when they could get the REAL stuff on the street... I almost
feel sorry for Chun Li..."
"Nani?"
"Think about it: several thousand hot-blooded, nerdy otakus,
most of them probably sporting glasses and acne, who suddenly find
their fantasies brought to life just blocks away..."
"Natch."
"All the better for us, though... Nothing to interrupt us
while we have a look-see... First, we should..." He was interrupted
by a loud THUMP coming from a few stalls away.
"What was THAT?" asked Slacker nervously.
"Let's find out," said Aaron. "Chris; you have the blaster. Cover
me, just in case it's someone dangerous."
"Gotcha."
"Hey, don't leave us ALONE!" whined Serena. "I'm SCARED! It's so
empty, and I..."
"Oh, be quiet!" said Plains. "Do you guys mind if we tag along?"
"It's only a few metres away, for Pete's sake!"
"Well, do you?"
"No... I guess not..."
"Good."
The group turned around the corner cautiously, not knowing what
to expect... Would they see zombies? Vampires? Negaverse youmas?
*GASP!* went Serena.
"AAAAAAAAAARGH!" Sailor Slacker tore at her hair.
"The HORROR!" yelled Williams.
"What is THAT?" Miller asked, trembling and biting his fingernails.
In front of them was a pile of stuffies. A LARGE pile of stuffies.
And they weren't just ANY stuffies. These wore blue jeans and red
T-shirts, labelled 'University of Maryland Security'. From behind large
gold-framed glasses, hazel button-eyes glinted evilly, and the goofy grin
on the dolls' faces was perfectly matched by their arms' 'Come to Mama!'
pose.
"Please tell me those aren't..." Slacker was afraid to finish the
sentence.
"They are," said Williams, sweat dripping down his forehead. "They're
Jimbo Viles plushies."
"But who could be so SADISTIC as to release these upon an unsuspecting
world?" asked Aaron.
"The Fanfic panel members. Who else?"
"But that sound... Don't tell me these dolls can move on their OWN..."
said Miller. <If they can, I'm OUT OF HERE.>
"I hope not, but..." There was another thump. One of the dolls had
slipped of the pile and fallen to the floor. "There must be something
UNDER
them! Quickly, everyone! Tear the pile apart!"
"We have to TOUCH them?"
"They're ICKY!" complained Serena.
"Don't you want to know what's under there?"
"Not THAT badly," said Joy.
"Well, then. I'LL do it. Aaron? You with me?"
"Yep."
The two boys started digging through the plushies, tossing each one
safely out of visual range. They had only been at it for a few seconds,
when it became painfully obvious what the grotesque mound had been
concealing.
"Serena," said Chris. "You might want to see this..."
"What is it?" Sailor Moon walked over and peered over Aaron's
shoulder. "It's Jupiter, and Venus! But... But... Their HEADS ARE GONE!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Jupiter and Venus are DEAD?!?" Joy rushed to the trio. "How'd it
HAPPEN?"
"Well," said Aaron. "I think we've just found out what Gally's been
up to..."
"Gally?" asked Chris. "You mean, Battle Angel Alita?"
"That's the one."
Williams ran his finger over the bloody stumps which were the sailors'
necks.
"Doesn't she use a bowie knife?" he asked. "These cuts are CLEAN,
almost as if..." A pause. He looked up at the still-wailing Serena, then
frowned. <Her tiara... But... Oh, deity...> "Miller, we're in trouble.
Let's get out of here. NOW."
"Why? What's wrong? I've dealt with Gally before; she's on OUR side!"
"It wasn't Gally."
"Then what happened to them?"
"I'll tell you!" said a familiar voice. "Those FAKERS finally became
REAL 'senshi'... As in, 'death in battle'."
"Serena, I didn't know you were a ventriloquist... And it ISN'T
FUNNY!" Sailor Moon had stopped crying, and was simply staring behind
Aaron and Chris, along with Slacker.
"She... ISN'T a ventriloquist..." mumbled Slacker.
"Then..."
"AND MY NAME IS *USAGI*!!!!!!"
"_That's_ what I was trying to tell you, Aaron. It seems the subs
have met the dubs..."
"Uh-oh... Chris... Will I regret it if I turn around?"
"Very likely."
"Thanks." Aaron closed his eyes.
"I've finished off your friends," said Usagi, "and now it's time for
YOU! NO ONE gets away with stealing MY show!"
"Whaddya mean, YOUR show? It's MINE!"
"MINE!"
"MINE!"
<Great,> thought Slacker, <As if ONE of them wasn't enough...>
"I've HAD it!" shouted Usagi. "You have taken my suit, my powers,
and my persona WITHOUT my permission, and given me a bad name in North
America! In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!"
"That's MY line!"
"Then how about THIS one? SAILOR BODY ATTACK!" Usagi rammed herself
against Serena, knocking her onto the floor next to Slacker. What ensued
was a virtual cat-fight, with clawing, scratching, biting, and the
occasional shout of 'Sailor Moon Kick!'.
"Williams! DO something! Shoot one of them!"
"Which one?"
"The killer one... Usagi!"
"Yes, but which one's THAT?" The two were in identical costumes,
moved in the same way and spoke with the same voice, and had now been
engaged in combat for so long that it was useless to try to distinguish
between them by position alone.
"Oh. Good point."
"YOU'RE a Sailor, now!" said Miller, now with his eyes open. "Don't
you have an attack for this, or something?"
"I don't know! I've only been able to figure a FEW of them out..."
"Well, someone should do SOMETHING, before they KILL each other!"
said Aaron.
"You're saying that would be BAD?" Chris arched an eyebrow.
"Well... No... Not BAD, per se... BUT IT JUST ISN'T RIGHT!"
"I'll just take them BOTH out," said Williams, and raised his blaster.
Before he could aim, one of the Moons rammed her elbow into the
other's stomach, knocking her wand into a neat parabolic airborne
trajectory.
"Grab it!" she yelled.
"Got it!" A new voice. Male, and from the sounds of it, and even
those two words made it painfully clear that he didn't have a very
talented voice actor.
<Fantastic. ANOTHER one to deal with. If Urd hadn't made me immune
to headaches, I'd probably be unconscious right now...>
"You can leave her now, Usagi," said the man. He was still hidden
behind one of the con displays.
"But I want to finish her OFF!" said Usagi, grabbing Serena by her
fuku's big red bow.
"You can do that LATER. The OTHERS are here."
"Them?" Usagi pointed at Aaron and Chris. "THEY'RE the ones you're
looking for?"
"They are."
"You seem to know about US," said Chris. "But who are YOU? Step out,
where we can see you."
"Oh. I'm sorry... Quite right, quite right..." Step by step, a
tall figure emerged into the light from the shadows. He had wavy, short,
ash-blond hair and wore a red T-shirt, jeans, and battered black shoes.
"The dolls!" screamed Serena. "They've come to LIFE! AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
The DIC-dubbed Sailor Moon fainted.
"Jimbo Viles, I presume?" asked Chris.
"The same," nodded Viles.
"Aren't you going to introduce me?" said a female voice, coming from
where Jimbo had just arrived.
"Oh! Sorry! Williams, Plains... And..."
"I'm Aaron Miller."
"Miller. Got it. Meet my new fiancee, Mizuno Ami."
Sailor Mercury's black hair looked blue in the fluorescent light.
She smiled as she stepped out, and latched onto her iinazuke's arm.
"The son of a gun actually DID it," said Slacker. "Has she seen
the TAPE yet?"
"Tape? What tape is she talking about, dear?"
Jimbo began to sweat. Copiously.
"Er... Let's... Let's get on with BUSINESS, shall we? We have a lot
to take care of..."
"Business?" Again, Williams did the Spock-eyebrow-raising thing. "WHAT
'Business'?"
"I want to get to the bottom of this just as much as YOU do," said
Viles. "Not get RID of it, mind you," he smiled at Ami. "But make sure
that continuity and characterisation are kept in order. There's been an
awful lot of gaffes in that area lately..."
"That's only to be expected when you bring fictional characters into
the real world." Aaron smirked. "Can't keep spatulating people when you'll
get
arrested for it."
"Anyway, what can WE do about it?" asked Chris.
"Not much, right NOW... But THAT'S what I have to talk to you about."
"Huh?"
"I see that Joy has ALREADY found one of the anti-wands."
"Anti-wands?"
"The dubbed ones. They're mirror images of the genuine wands. CURSED
mirror images. That's why the DIC versions of SM are so awful."
"And then, the dubbed sailors..."
"Are evil."
"And Serena??? She seemed so... Sweet..."
"She's the WORST!" shouted Usagi.
"No, she isn't," said Viles. "She's too innocent to have ANY
alignment. Sanctas simplicitas. For the North American release, they
cut her IQ in half."
"AND her fighting ability. She was a PUSHOVER!"
"Well... She doesn't have all your attacks from the LATER series,
Usagi."
"Well, yeah, but..."
"Enough. There's only ONE way to show you all what I mean. Rei!"
Sailor Mars came out into the open. It took a while for Aaron to get
over the shock of seeing her alive again, but he eventually reminded
himself
that this was REI, not RAYE.
"You know what to do with the wand." Viles handed Serena's wand to
Rei, who closed her eyes and concentrated.
"Rin, pyou, tou, sha, kai, jin, retsu, sai, zen. Akuryou taisan!" she
chanted. With each word, a jet of black flame would escape from the stick
towards the heavens (or the fluorescent lights, as the case may be). When
she was done with the final phrase, the wand changed shape and became a
pure white cylinder. She handed it back to Jimbo.
"This," he said, holding it aloft, "is now a PURE, unfocused,
transformation wand."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," he said, "that it'll work for ANYONE who even SLIGHTLY
mirrors the original holder's persona."
"Serena was a bimbo, not too bright, not very studious, and... You're
saying that..."
Jimbo smiled, and held the wand up.
"MASTER-OF-THE-ARTS COSMIC POWER!"
Rainclouds swooped in from nowhere, pouring sheets of water all over
Viles. Gusts of wind picked him up and spun him around in the air
and lightning bolts struck at him, all while Wagner's 'Ride of the
Valkyries played in the background. In a few seconds, he began to CHANGE.
He shrunk somewhat, the loss in stature going towards increases in the
chest and elsewhere, his features softened, skin smoothed, and body and
facial hair dissipated into nothingness. That on his head (HER head?)
grew to waist-length and turned bright red. The red UMS shirt and blue
slacks fused together, then morphed into a red sailor fuku with blue trim,
graced with a large blue bow. A belt buckle flew off, grew, split into
two and attached itself to the long crimson hair, dividing it into two
huge ponytails topped by jewelled 'meatballs'. Finally, what had been
normal tube-socks grew into white knee-length boots with blue trim,
matching gloves materialised upon perfectly-manicured hands, and a golden
tiara, complete with a red jewel at its centre, formed across the forehead
of the newest senshi.
The music stopped, the clouds dissipated, and a dripping wet woman
struck a pose.
"Say hello to Sailor Critic!" she cried. She looked down at herself.
"Now I see why Tuxedo Kamen doesn't use one of these..."
"I *do* hope this isn't permanent..." muttered Mercury.
<I *do* hope this is permanent>, thought Aaron. Chris handed him
a tissue to clean up the dribble that was falling down his chin.
"And now," said Sailor Critic, holding out two OTHER transformation
wands, "About that offer of mine..."
===================================================================
Aaron: Well, this is just lovely. Now, not only do I have to worry
about a mess of rabid anime characters wandering around DC
destroying everything in sight, I've got a mess of slightly deranged,
heavily armed and/or super-powered otakus to deal with.
And on top of that, it seems as if the subbed universes and the
dubbed universes are colliding in the real world.
(Cut to a shot of two Happosais staring at each other)
Aaron: And you don't even want to know what's happening in the
streets...
(Cut to sign that says: "This Scene Was Cut For Your Own Good,
Communications Act of 1996")
Aaron: Next time on "The Great Anime Crossover From Hell!!!":
"Senshi Muyo! - No need for Senshi!"
======================================================================