Dark Streamline A.D. Viz-ion Image Entertainment presents...
A "Not-Bloody-Likely" Production
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----------- THE GREAT ANIME CROSSOVER FROM HELL!!! -----------
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by Erin Mills and Christopher Willmore, Founders of the
'Anything-Goes School of Indiscriminate Fanfic Writing'!
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With apologies to the creators of the characters herein.
'Sailor Slacker' and associated quotes and descriptions used with
the permission of Joyce 'Azusa' Meadows
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Thanks to Wayne Pillion for his helpful suggestions.
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***** EPISODE V: HAPPY HAPPI'S JOY, JOY! *****
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THIS EPISODE IS DEDICATED TO 'THE OSMIUM PAIR' (WE RAN OUT OF GOLD):
Joyce 'Azusa' Meadows and 'Joey-kun' Torres
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NOTES, QUOTES, MOTES, AND SHOATS:
Time: immediately after the end of ep. 4
"Reading fanfics by moonlight;
Skipping classes by daylight;
Never running from a sig fight,
She is the one called Sailor Slack!"
-Joyce 'Azusa' Meadows
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Aaron rolled over on his bunk, asleep. Having spent the last day
and a half chasing a bunch of anime characters all over D.C. had taken
it's toll and he'd fallen asleep shortly after being escorted to his
cell.
Of course, the Universe wasn't going to let it's champion off THAT
easily...
He was floating through space, content to float without any actual
rush to be anywhere. He just wanted to bask in the golden light.
Hold it.
Aaron floated upright, looking for the source of the light. There
was something disturbingly familiar about this set up...
<Aaron>
Aaron looked around for the source of the voice.
"Who are you? Where are you?"
<I am Floy>
Aaron's eyes widened.
"Oh no! No thank you! I've had quite enough of fictional
entities in the past few days, thank you!"
<You should know that in every fiction, there is some fact>
"And you're supposed to be the fact behind the character Floy
in `Harmageddon', huh?"
<Yes>
"Alright, Floy, what do you want with me?"
<You must save the Universe>
"Oh, is that all?"
<There is an entity that has found a way to bridge the gaps
between the various forms of Reality. He has used this power to send
those you have met and others over to your world>
"And what am I supposed to do?"
<You must find all of those he has sent over, unite them and
challenge him in his own world>
"And exactly how do I do that?"
<You must go to where it all began-->
And at that point, he woke up.
* * * * *
F**ker groaned.
<Great, two nutcase teenage exorcists to deal with,> he thought.
"Usag-Serena, Minmei, Rick, Sheet and Lisa run off. Gloval out like a
light. On the whole, I'd rather be with Nina."
"Betters?" Sailor Mars yelped. "I'll have you know I've put more
youmas to rest than you ever will, you floozy!"
"Floozy?!" Yohko said, raising her sword. "Who are you to talk,
you reject from a schoolboy's wet dream?!"
"Ladies, ladies!" Roy said, trying to defuse the fight about to
break out. "It really doesn't matter to us which of you puts us to
rest, as long as it gets---"
"SHUT UP!!!" the two of them yelled.
"There's only one way to settle this!" said Yohko.
"Agreed," Mars replied.
The two of them began to beat the living hell out of each other.
* * * * *
The cell door opened.
"All right, Miller," said Mallory. "You can go."
"What?"
"The charges have been dropped, get outta here."
Aaron walked out of the cell confused. He was even more confused
when Zenigata was thrown forcefully into a cell three doors down.
"What's going on?"
"Interpol has never heard of this Lupin III or Zenigata. No
record, no case," said Mallory, a little angry. "Makes me sick."
"What? That Zenigata wasn't who he said he was?"
"No, that you have to be released. Now, get out!"
Once out in the squad room, Aaron found it remarkably devoid of
human life. He asked the desk sergeant what was going on.
"Everybody's heading for the Washington Monument. Been a lot of
trouble out that way. First, some sort of spaceship landed and now we
got reports of one girl in a sailor suit fighting with a girl in a
flashy red dress. Somethin' weird's going on here."
<You don't know the half of it,> Aaron thought as he dashed
outside to find a phone. If he had to get these guys together, he
was going to need help.
* * * * *
"HA!" Mars cackled as one of her wards landed on Yohko's arm. Her
smile was changed to a frown as Yohko tossed the ward aside and socked
Mars across the jaw.
"I'm not dead, bimbo!" Yohko said, as she brought her sword up for
the kill. Mars rolled out of the way, letting Yohko's sword slice into
the ground.
"Nyah!" Mars nyahed. "You missed!"
"Not completely," said Yohko, pointing at Mars's arm. Mars looked
down and saw a rivulet of blood roll down her arm.
"AAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!" she cried "BLOOD!! I'M BLEEDING!!!!!"
Everyone else in the immediate vicinity looked at her. Yohko
stared, wide eyed.
"SOMEBODY GET A DOCTOR!!!" Mars wailed. "I'M BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!
I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE!!!! WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
"Oh, for F**k's sake," said Yohko.
F**ker turned to look at her, and raised an eyebrow.
"You called?" he asked.
"Not YOU!" she shouted. "Now, leave me alone, will you? I'm BUSY!"
"Gomen."
She raised the glowing sword over of her head and with one swing,
neatly severed Mars's head from the rest of her.
Mars's body began to quiver and shake violently. It began to smoke
and sputter and smell a great deal. Then the whole body collapsed in a
pile of ash, leaving only Mars's shoes intact.
"There can be only one!" F**ker said, caught up in the moment.
"AAAIIIIEEEE!!!!" Sailor Mercury yelled. "You'll pay for that!"
"This does not bode well," said F**ker.
Sailor Mercury looked at the pile of ashes that had been Sailor
Mars, and began to quiver with rage. Narrowing her eyes, she glared
evilly at Yohko.
"I am Sailor Mercury!" she said. "You killed my team-mate.
Prepare to die."
Yohko brandished her spirit-sword, still stained with blood.
'We'll see about THAT!'
"You're right. But only if you don't go blind, first."
The devil hunter paused her silly poses for a second.
"Nani?!?" Sailor Mercury only smiled, and raised her wand into
the air.
"Mercury... Bubble... BLASTER!!!" As soon as she spoke those
words, the air was filled with cheap synthesiser music, and coloured
streamers fell from the sky, amidst the shine of several dozen
multicoloured spotlights. In the middle of all this, what looked like
nothing so much as a Fisher Price bubble gun appeared in the air in
front of Mercury.
Yohko blinked.
"You want to defeat me with a BUBBLE GUN?!?"
Mercury nodded.
"Hai. Prepare yourself!"
"Give 'er heck, Mercury!" shouted Serena from the sidelines while
licking a soft-serve cone...
"Die, devil!" The Mamono Hunter rushed at the blue-haired girl,
waving her blade back and forth. Just as she was about to connect, the
Sailor pressed the trigger on the plastic gun. A stream of coloured,
glowing bubbles rushed out, and pushed her foe back about twenty
metres.
"I can't believe this is happening!" yelled Yohko. "Those are
BUBBLES! How can they stop me?" She frowned, and resolved to try it
again.
"Die, devil!" The Mamono Hunter rushed at the blue-haired girl,
waving her blade back and forth. Just as she was about to connect, the
Sailor pressed the trigger on the plastic gun. A stream of coloured,
glowing bubbles rushed out, and pushed her foe back about twenty
metres.
[Twenty minutes later...]
"I can't believe this is happening!" yelled Yohko. "Those are
BUBBLES! How can they stop me?" She frowned, and resolved to try it
again.
From the wreck of the SDF-1, Roy F**ker sighed, and continued to
watch. For a fight between two super-powered, scantily-clad,
adolescent girls, this was surprisingly boring. Gloval was still
unconscious, Lusheeta had curled up and fallen asleep, and Minmei
was... F**ker looked around. Where WAS Minmei?
"I'm baaaaaaaaack!" chimed a voice from behind some bushes. <Speak
of 'La Puta'> thought F**ker...
"LAPUTA?!? WHERE???" asked Sheeta. F**ker blinked.
"Er... Miss? HOW did you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Read my mind."
Sheeta shrugged.
"When it comes to Laputa, I can hear anything."
"Figures..."
Minmei was now standing in front of F**ker. She was standing
still. Normally, this would be everyday enough to escape mention, but
in this case, the fact that she was standing still was rather...
Disconcerting...
"Minmei, you DO realise that there are probably laws against
indecent exposure here..."
Minmei giggled, and nodded.
"And you DO realise that you're... Um... Missing your shirt? AND
your bra?"
Minmei giggled, and nodded. She liked doing that.
"Why are you missing them, Minmei?"
"The nice man with all the money said he wanted to keep them, so
he could remember me!"
"What nice man?"
"Die, devil!" The Mamono Hunter rushed at the blue-haired girl,
waving her blade back and forth. Just as she was about to connect, the
Sailor pressed the trigger on the plastic gun. A stream of coloured,
glowing bubbles rushed out, and pushed her foe back about twenty
metres.
"I can't believe this is happening!" yelled Yohko. "Those are
BUBBLES! How can they stop me?" She frowned, and resolved to try it
again.
F**ker sighed. Some people just NEVER gave up...
"What nice man? Oh, I don't know his name... But he said I was
pretty, and when I said I wanted to order out food but didn't have any
money."
"Let me guess," interrupted F**ker. "He told you he'd pay you if
he let yourself be tickled while you lay on your back."
Minmei's eyes widened.
"Can YOU read minds TOO???"
F**ker shook his head. He always KNEW something like this would
happen...
"He was such a nice man..." the singer said wistfully. "And
look!" she held up a musty old bill. "Now I can buy ICE CREAM!!!"
The late pilot didn't even dare to look.
"Minmei, what is the number on that bill?"
"I don't know... They all look alike. Small, green... It's so hard
to tell them apart!"
"Look at the corners. How many squiggly things do you see?"
"There's one little squiggly thing."
"Are you sure there's not two? One beside the other?"
"I'm sure."
Great. She'd gotten five dollars, tops.
"And it's not just a straight line?"
"No. It's all snaky." She dropped it with a loud yell. "AIEEE!
It's green, and it's snaky! Save me!"
"I can't believe this is happening!" yelled Yohko. "Those
are BUBBLES! How can they stop me?" She frowned, and resolved to try
it again.
<At least it looks like they're getting tired,> thought F**ker.
"Minmei. Money doesn't bite."
"No?"
"No."
"GOODY! NOW I CAN BUY ICE CREAM!"
"Did someone say ICE CREAM???" Serena bounced over gleefully.
Minmei nodded.
"Can I have some too???" asked Lusheeta, dropping onto her knees
and clasping her hands together.
"Sure!" said Minmei.
"AND ME???" asked Sailor Moon.
"Of course!" Minmei picked up the bill and waved it around,
jiggling her breasts as she did so. "My treat!"
"You can't go to an ice cream parlour like THAT," said F**ker.
"You'll get arrested."
"Which one of us do you mean?" asked the three girls, in unison.
F**ker paused. Come to think of it...
"All of you, actually."
"WHAT???"
"Well, one of you is topless, another looks like a Christmas-tree
ornament and might get locked up for suspected insanity, and the
third... Well, let's just say it's not a good idea to run around D.C.
yelling, 'The whore!' 'The whore!' in Spanish. Not to mention," he
added, "That two of you are transparent."
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" cried Serena. "He called me a
Christmas tree ornament!"
"You're a pretty ornament," said Sheeta.
"You look like one of the cute little plastic reindeer," agreed
Minmei. With this, Serena seemed mollified.
"But what will we DO??? We're in America, and we can't even buy
ICE CREAM!" pouted Minmei.
"I hear Baskin-Robbins delivers..." said Serena. "At least, that's
what it says on the ads over satellite..."
"You watch the ads?" asked F**ker.
"I tape them," answered Sailor Moon.
"You DO realise that your team-mate is engaged in a battle to the
death with an angry Devil Hunter who thinks she's a youma..."
"Aw, lighten up, ghost-guy," said Serena. "Amy's smart. She
wouldn't get in a fight if she..."
"Amy? Who's Amy?" asked Lusheeta. Sailor Moon paled.
"Amy? She's... uh.... I mean..." She looked at F**ker. "I've
done it AGAIN, haven't I?" F**ker nodded.
"Oh, boy... Um... Pretend I didn't say that, OK?"
"My lips are sealed." <Who'd want to admit to LISTENING to her,
anyway?>
"I think I saw a pay phone over there..." volunteered Lusheeta.
"Anyone have quarters?"
"I DO! I DO!" shouted Minmei. "These little round things, right?
I got FIVE of them!" she beamed.
"Let's go!" Serena grabbed the two girls by the arm and started
bouncing across the blast site.
<Women...> thought F**ker. Meanwhile, the other two were still
at it. It seemed Yohko was beginning to get a few sword slashes in,
though, since crimson lines now criss-crossed Mercury's outfit.
<It's times like this I wish that I were back with Nina...>
* * * * *
Meanwhile, at the phone booth...
Sailor Moon sat cross-legged on the ground, flipping through
the yellow pages.
"Find anything?" asked Lusheeta.
"Not yet... Wait! HERE it is!"
"Really?" asked Minmei, jumping up and down.
"Really! Try this: 555-4962."
"Ok!" The singer reached into her pocket, pulled out a coin,
and slipped it into the appropriate slot. Then she took the phone-
book from Serena, and dialled each number carefully, double-checking
that the pretty little squiggles matched before pressing anything.
They waited.
And waited.
Finally, Minmei hung up.
"What happened?" asked Lusheeta.
"I got a computer," said Minmei. "It told me, 'The number
you have dialled is not in service. Please hang up, and try your
call again.'"
"That's odd," said Serena, "I'm pretty sure you dialled the
right number..."
"Maybe they're having a promotion!" said Lusheeta
enthusiastically.
"Promotion?" Both of the others were puzzled.
"Yeah! I'll bet it's written backwards!"
"Why?"
"It's probably like a code, or something, and they'll give
a free ice cream cone to anyone who breaks it!"
"REALLY?" asked Minmei.
"FREE ICE CREAM?" asked Usagi.
Lusheeta nodded repeatedly.
"LET'S DO IT!!!"
Sailor Moon snatched the phone book, grabbed a quarter, and
tried the number in reverse.
"2,6,9,4,5,5,5..." she intoned, as she pressed each key.
The phone began to glow blue.
Serena dropped the hand-set.
As it fell, the receiver began to emit bright beams of azure
energy, which eventually lifted the phone from its supports. The
machine twirled in mid-air, creating a luminescent hurricane. After
almost half a minute of pyrotechnics, the lights died down, and a
tattooed figure stood before the trio.
"Hi!" said the newcomer, putting down her cup of ice cream
momentarily. "You've reached the goddess help hotline. Skuld, at your
service."
<She just doesn't look right...> whispered Minmei to Serena.
<I KNOW! Look at that clothes! And those SHOES... Even _I_ don't
dress that badly...>
<We've done something bad, haven't we?> chimed in Lusheeta.
"Well?" The patron goddess of physics undergrads tapped her foot
impatiently. "Which one of you made the wish?"
"Wish?"
"Which one of you called me? Hurry up! I don't have all day, you
know..."
The topless Minmei, Sheeta, and Sailor Moon began to sweat.
Profusely. Anxiously, they looked at each other, then nodded, before
pointing to F**ker in unison.
"HE DID!" they said.
* * * * *
F**ker continued watching the fight, sadly. Nothing had changed.
Just the same old thing... Rush, slash, blast, back. Rush, slash,
blast, back. How much BLOOD did that blue-haired girl HAVE in her,
anyway? Seemed like she'd already spilled more than twelve gallons...
He sighed.
"Now I REALLY wish I with Nina..."
Behind him, a column of brightness shot down from the heavens
directly onto Skuld. She levitated, closed her eyes, and then floated
back down.
"Commander F**ker, approach," she said, as the pillar of light
disappeared.
"What?" F**ker turned around. "Who ARE you?"
"Your wish has been approved."
"Approved? Wish? What? But I..."
"Enjoy!" The goddess twitched her nose, and disappeared.
"I take it you three had something to do with this..." he growled
at the girls.
Thankfully, they were spared the need for answering, because two
giant robots chose that particular moment to materialise out of thin
air, about two hundred metres above the ground.
"Die, devil!" The Mamono Hunter rushed at the blue-haired
girl, waving her blade back and forth. Just as she was about to
connect, the Sailor pressed the trigger on the plastic gun. Before
the bubbles came out, though, her life was abruptly ended via the
precipitous arrival of the Gundam Unit 2. On her head.
To even out the situation, another robot, an orange-and-yellow
female-looking one, landed on top of the Devil Hunter.
"That must have hurt..." remarked Minmei.
"Hey, look!" Lusheeta pointed at what was left of Mercury's body.
Only her boots were sticking out from under the mobile battle suit.
"Isn't she SHRINKING?" Indeed she was. The body underneath the
clothes shrivelled up, until all that was left was a pair of empty
boots, a crushed bubble blaster and a transformation wand. The Queen
of Laputa tugged at the ghost-pilot's shirtsleeve. "F**ker! F**ker!
What's wrong?"
F**ker was too busy gawking at the new arrivals to answer her.
<It can't be... My wish...>
A hatch opened on top of the female robot's head.
<It couldn't be...>
A woman stepped out into the daylight, and took off her
piloting helmet.
<It IS!>
"Nina! It's F**ker!" he shouted. From the top of the 'mech,
Nina Purpleton began to wave. When she saw who was BEHIND her
acquaintance, however, the friendly greeting gesture stopped, and
instead she pulled out a very large, very powerful-looking blaster
and jumped down to intercept him.
"F**KER NO HENTAI! What's the idea two-timing me? Is it my
imagination, or is that LYNN MINMEI behind you?!?!?"
"That blaster... It's a new look for you, isn't it, Nina?"
The ghost was sweating. A lot.
"Stop with the small-talk." She looked at Sheeta. As she did so,
her eyes grew wider and her brow more furrowed. "You mean it wasn't
enough for you to go out with the biggest slut in the universe, but
you also had to snuggle up to a KID!" F**ker waved his hands about,
trying to find a way to sort this out. "And WHAT, pray tell," asked
Nina, pointing at Serena, "is THAT? It looks like some sort of
super-deformed plastic reindeer Christmas-tree ornament!"
"Thank-you!" said Sailor Moon, bouncing up and down. Suddenly,
a look of concern filled her face. "Wait a minute..." she said. "Are
you the one that was piloting the robot that fell on Sailor Mercury?"
"Is that the one with the boots sticking out?"
"Yeah."
"No. The one I was piloting landed on the other one."
"Oh, good. Then I don't have to kill you. I like you!"
"But I DID design the one that landed on Mercury."
"What???" Sailor Moon began striking funny poses.
"What's wrong with her?" asked Nina. "Did someone slip a cabbit
in her dress?"
"Long story," said F**ker.
"In the name of the moon, I will punish you!" said Sailor Moon.
She grabbed her tiara and prepared to toss it. "Moon... Tiara... Ma...
Ungh!"
Nina blew the smoke off the top of her blaster as Serena fell
to the ground.
"You KILLED HER!" said Sheeta.
"No I didn't. It was only on 'stun'."
"More's the pity," said F**ker.
"MORE than pretty!" said Minmei. "That looked NICE!"
Nina blinked.
"She likes bright glowing things," explained the late pilot.
"AND small shiny things, puppies, candy, toys..."
"I get the picture, Roy." Her eyes narrowed. "Now, back to the
topic at hand..." She raised her blaster.
"I can explain!" said F**ker.
"I'll LOVE to hear THIS," said Purpleton. "You can give me a
logical reason why a topless Minmei is standing behind you with two
other girls?"
The late pilot nodded nervously.
"Talk, lover-boy," said Nina, pointing her blaster at his head.
"Well, it's, uh.."
"Tell them about the money the nice man gave you," Lusheeta
prompted Minmei.
Nina almost dropped her gun.
"Oh, so THAT'S the way it is!"
"IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!"
"Then HOW IS IT???"
Desperate for an exit, F**ker looked around. <Anything...> he
thought. <Anything to get me out of this...> Then, the two mechs
wandered into field of vision... He smiled.
"Are you sure you have a RIGHT to complain, Nina?"
"Huh?"
"I mean... I may have three girls with me, but what are you doing
with Unit 2 and the Aphrodite A?"
"I... I don't know what you mean..." Now Nina was the one
sweating.
"Come on," said F**ker, "We all know who... Sorry, WHAT you REALLY
love... You've been infatuated with Unit 2 for as long as you have
been with Uraki..."
"I DUMPED Uraki!"
"Don't change the subject."
"I... But..."
"Is it any coincidence that the Aphrodite A is the only mech I
know of that can allow you to... Er..." A pause. "I don't think I
should go any further. It's clear enough, anyway..."
"What's clear?" asked Minmei.
"Tell us!" said Lusheeta.
"NO!" shouted Nina. "Ok, ok... You're right." She put down the
blaster. "I won't harass you any more... Just DON'T corrupt these
children."
"I thought you'd implied that I'd ALREADY corrupted them!"
"That's different."
"Right. This time, YOU'RE the one to lose face if I blab." He
turned to Minmei and the others. "What should I do?"
"BLAB!"
"No!!!!"
"Well, then, Nina. Care to 'explain'? If you're so virtuous,
then..."
Nina cast her eyes downwards, and kicked the dust at her feet.
"A girl gets lonely, you know," she mumbled softly. "With you
gone, and nothing to do, I just..."
"You just decided to borrow the Aphrodite A, right? What a
coincidence... Just after they installed that neural link, too.. What
did Mazinger have to say about this? They both have AI, you know."
"Mazinger doesn't know about it yet."
"So THAT'S the way it is..."
Nina blushed.
"Well... I DID design Unit 2 rather well... It seems that
Aphrodite A wasn't too averse to the idea..."
Their conversation was interrupted by a small roundish object
rapidly approaching at what F**ker estimated to be Mach 2.
"Pretty topless lady!" It shouted, and continued to run forward,
far too fast for anyone to make out details. Soon, though, its
destination was clear.
"Minmei!" shouted F**ker. "Look out! I think it's going to..."
Too late. The brownish ball jumped towards the singer, THROUGH
her chest, and past the ethereal ex-pilot, finally settling on Nina's
bosom.
<Uh-oh...> thought F**ker.
"Sugoi!" shouted Happosai, as he glomped the engineer. "What a
haul! What a haul!"
"AIEEEEEEEEEEE! HENTAI!" Nina dropped her blaster, grabbed
the two-foot pervert, and kicked him with all her might. He slid
across the ground for a few metres, and tried to grab onto the
topsoil, but eventually he was sent into a neat parabolic, airborne
trajectory. Soiled female unmentionables fell everywhere from the
sack on his back as he flew.
"I'm losing my haul, but it was worth iiiiiiiii..." yelled the
old man, as he continued to rise.
"Well, Minmei," said F**ker. "Look on the bright side. At least
NOW we can get you covered..."
"Roy?" Purpleton was staring at the pervert, making quick mental
calculations.
"Yes?"
"There might not be that much of a bright side."
"What do you mean?"
"Then again, it might be 'brighter' than you expected it."
"Nani?"
"You know ballistics are a speciality of mine..."
"Hai."
"At this rate, he'll land right on Aphrodite A's chest."
"But... That should be all right... The AI was turned off so
you could pilot it, right?"
"Yes... But if anything should THREATEN the unit..."
"Oh, boy..."
"Two nuclear warheads going off in the middle of a city 'bright'
enough for you?"
Sure enough. In no time flat, the master of the 'Anything-Goes
School of Martial Arts' fell between the giant robot's metallic
breasts. His ancient eyes doubled in size from appreciation of the
electronic 'assets'.
"WHAT A HAUL! WHAT A HAUL!" he yelled ecstatically. As he glomped
the twin warheads, Aphrodite A's optical sensors lit up, and all
around her frame, gears began to whirr, and pistons to pump.
>WARNING< said a tinny voice from a speaker. >WARNING. INTRUDER
DETECTED. POSSIBLE DANGER. RECOMMEND IMMEDIATE ELIMINATION.<
"Location? I don't have full sensors back yet... That was quite
a fall..." This time, a female voice.
"She even SOUNDS beautiful!" said Happosai, and hugged the mounds
even more tightly.
>INTRUDER IS LOCATED ON MAIN ABDOMINAL FRAME, UPPER SECTION.<
The robot's head turned to look at her chest.
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" it yelled. "HENTAI!" A pause. "KAKA NO MUNE!*"
*[Loosely translated, 'Nuclear Nipples!']
With that, the missiles fired from her chest, taking Happi with
them.
"Um.." said F**ker. "AI's gotten a lot more advanced since _I_
last piloted an alpha... And I must admit, I'll never think of
amMUNition* in quite the same way again..."
[*Translingual pun.]
Nina beamed.
"I programmed her myself!"
"I can tell..." said F**ker. "Same type of reaction..."
"Thanks, Roy!" Purpleton smiled.
"Does this mean you're not mad at me anymore?"
"Hey!" said Minmei. "That looked like the nice man that tickled
me!"
"WHAT???"
"Not EXACTLY the same, but almost..."
"Wait a minute," said Roy. "That ball of panties went THROUGH you
when he tried to latch onto you... How come the other man didn't?"
"That's RIGHT!" said Nina. She looked at Roy. "And you STILL
haven't told me why these people are ghosts... According to the
registrar, Minmei's not due in yet. I checked. Frequently."
"Well... I..." F**ker sighed. "It's kind of complicated... I'll
tell you later, but for now I think we'd better figure out WHO it is
that can interact physically with ghosts. If whoever-it-is is as
large a pervert as he seems, and if he finds out about the
afterworld..."
"I see your point," said Nina, "but I'd LOVE to see him try
something on Kagero."
F**ker laughed.
"I STILL remember the headache that poison of hers gave me last
time _I_ tried something..."
"You TRIED something with Kagero? WHILE I was in the same
plane???"
"Uh-oh."
Nina pulled out her blaster, and prepared to fire.
* * * * *
Happosai sailed through the air atop one of the missiles,
enjoying the ride and the fresh, cool breeze. Fools. They thought they
could get rid of him THIS easily? Not a chance. He'd been knocked
into low earth orbit so many times that flying through the air at
supersonic speeds had become second nature to him. And, even though
he'd lost his panties, he'd managed to pick up something far more
valuable... A transformation wand. He'd heard of them, of course, and
tried to get a hold of one for AGES, but they just didn't seem to
EXIST in his dimension. In THIS dimension, however, they'd just
tossed one at his feet. Or, rather, they'd just tossed his feet at
one. He laughed. This was going to be fun...
<Let's see... That symbol...> He racked his brain, trying to
remember his classes in alchemy. <Mercury. Definitely Mercury.>
Below him was now a large pond in the middle of a park. <Time
for me to say goodbye!> He doubted the explosion would be any worse
than one of his own Happo-bakudans, but one could never be too
careful... Years of panty-snatching had taught him THAT, at least.
"GERONIMOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he yelled, as he dropped off the
projectile.
Normally, a sopping-wet two-foot dirty old man running around
at high speeds inside a Washington mall, stealing hardware and
electronics would have raised a few eyebrows. Not today. Thanks to
the crash-landing of the SDF-1, and multiple reports of people mauled
by umbrella and spatula-wielding psychopaths, Happosai was free to
make off with a different sort of loot than he usually went after.
Well... Different, for the most part. He managed to restrain himself
in front of the department stores' lingerie displays, but when he hit
that laundromat on the way out of the mall... Let's just say that the
dirty/clean panty ratio plummeted. With all the running around, he
made it to a hiding place just in time to avoid the patrol cars that
had been called in.
With a grunt and some brief exertion, Happi pulled up a manhole
cover and jumped into the sewer. Just as he'd expected, it took only
a few minutes of wandering about in the tunnels to find a room large
and dry enough for his purposes. The old pervert wasn't surprised.
His mind was at home in the gutter. He put his sack down in the
middle of the limestone chamber, and pulled out some of the fruits of
that day's pillaging.
Mixer - check. Microphone - check. VCR - check. Wire - check.
Television - check. Scripts - check. Good. Everything seemed in
order.
<Now for a source of electricity...> He jumped onto one of
the cables running along the walls and chewed through the insulation,
then carefully connected his coil of wire to it. Instant electrical
outlet. Sure, it would probably blow fairly soon, but he only needed
it for a few seconds... The magic he was going to use was powerful.
Quickly, he hooked up the dubbing equipment, singing to himself
all the while. "Microphone connected to the, Mixer! Mixer connected
to the - Vee See Ar! VCR connected to the - Tee Vee! Now STICK, the
Wand in the hole!*"
[*Sung to the tune of 'Dem bones, Dem bones'...]
With the last phrase, he put the transformation stick into the video
tape slot. He had to be careful with this... Everyone knew that when
something was dubbed, its meaning was completely changed... The
methods were cheap, and simple, but the results were so horrifying
that even the most dastardly of villains thought twice about using
THIS form of magic reversal... Thankfully, Happi revelled in
perversion. It was his raison d'etre. He turned the VCR power on,
pushed the record button, and began reciting the final incantation
into the mike:
"Sbud rieht htiw seires Amnar eht ot gniod era Ihsot dna Xuorel
Hsirt S'ziv tahw naht esrevrep ssel si staog gniwolb!"
The force of the words caused the ground beneath him to begin to
shake, and blue electric sparks to arc across from appliance to
appliance. The whole system levitated a few feet and began to spin
wildly, glowing a brighter and brighter blue.
As it turned, its angular velocity increased without a
corresponding change in its moment of inertia, leading to a growth of
the net torque in the system, as well as an exponential rise in its
angular acceleration. It was only a matter of time before the
electronics decided they'd had quite enough of it, and exploded.
Happosai smacked himself on the head.
<That's right!> he thought. <This dimension is semi-Newtonian for
the macroscopic... I'd better remember not to try to apply Anime
Physics here in the future... I hope it stayed together long enough to
do everything I wanted it to...>
He made his way through the smouldering black plastic chunks and
glowing-red copper wire bits to where the wand lay on the ground.
Cautiously, he tapped it with the knuckles of his right hand. <Hmm...
Seems to be a bit COOLER than room temperature, even... Which means it
must have USED all the energy it absorbed for SOME change or
another...
I hope it was for the right...> A pause. <For the WRONG one. Well...
Only one way to find out.>
Happosai picked up the rod, and waved it about.
"HAPPY... HENTAI... POWER!" he yelled.
There was a flash of light, and he began to twirl upwards.
<It's working! It's working!>
In preparation for what he knew would come, he started to strike
silly poses.
<Hmm... I wonder if I'll get one of those nice skirts... Does the
outfit come with panties??? Maybe I'll even get BREASTS!>
A few inches short of hitting the ceiling, he dropped quite
abruptly.
"What on earth..."
"I'm terribly sorry," said a voice from somewhere behind him. "My
invention seems to have malfunctioned." A sigh. "Again."
<That sounds like the Quick bunny...> Happosai turned around to
see the source of the sound.
It was a turtle. A giant, humanoid turtle, wearing a purple
bandanna.
The old man pointed at him.
"You're..."
The turtle extended a three-fingered hand.
"The name's Donatello. Pleased to meet you!" Happosai took his
hand, not knowing what else to do. "I'm sorry about what happened...
I was building a new mini-copter, when the whole thing suddenly went
haywire and exploded... Seems the propeller landed right under you.
Were you hurt by the fall?"
Happosai shook his head. The thing was right, though. There WAS
a broken helicopter blade at his feet. It must've lifted him up, and
twirled him, and the explosion he mentioned would explain the light...
<Darn! The wand didn't work!> He'd have to find out why not...
The turtle looked around.
"So, you're an inventor, too!" He picked up a piece of melted
plastic. "And about as successful as I am, by the looks of it."
Nod, nod. Right now, Happi was a bit too stunned to speak. When
the turtle had turned around, he'd seen... No... It couldn't be...
"Excuse me, young man..." An odd look from 'Donatello'. "Er...
Young turtle..."
"Yes?"
"Is that a BO strapped to your back?"
"Yes, it is! I'm a ninja in my spare time."
<A ninja... TURTLE???> To teach such a creature, that lacked
even an opposable thumb, to use a weapon was a formidable task. <His
master must be quite accomplished. I've probably heard of him...>
"Who is your master?"
"Splinter."
"I'm sorry to hear you're hurt, young 'un, but who taught you?"
"Splinter's my sensei."
"Never heard of him."
"I'm not surprised. He's kind of kept to himself since he turned
into a giant rat."
<Turned into a giant RAT?> That DEFINITELY smelled of the 'Pool
of Sorrow'... There wasn't any Jusenkyo in THIS reality. That, Happi
was sure of. Which meant... <Rat-sensei must ALSO be a dimension-
hopper... If his home reality has a counterpart to the cursed
springs, that could also explain this fellow...>
"Young 'un, have you heard of Jusenkyo?"
"What's THAT? A new video card?"
Happosai face-faulted.
"NO! It's the training ground of cursed springs, in China!"
"Can't say I have. Should I?"
"I should say so! How ELSE could you have turned into a turtle?"
There was a long pause.
"I was BORN a turtle. Some mutagen turned me into what I am now."
"Mutagen?"
"A green glowing ooze. Long story."
<For which I have no time...> "Hmm... Donatello?"
"Yes?"
"Being a fellow inventor, I know how disturbing having someone
nearby when you're trying to work can be... So, I think I'll be going
now..."
"No problem! What's your name, incidentally?"
<Careful, Happi...>
"Ranma Saotome."
"Well, Ranma, nice meeting you! Need help finding your way out?"
"As a matter of fact..."
It had taken them over HALF AN HOUR to get out of those blasted
sewers. With that blasted turtle taking all the wrong turns, and
bumping into walls every other second, Happosai doubted he could have
done worse with a HIBIKI as his guide... And that SMELL... He might
actually have to take a bath...
Thank goodness, though, it was all over now. He'd managed to worm
his way to the surface and find a secluded spot where he could study
the wand. Granted, in this big city that spot happened to be on one
of the topmost branches of a tree in one of the local parks, but it
was better than nothing... Besides, patrol cars didn't come up this
high.
He looked at the rod. Everything SEEMED to have gone right. The
colours had been reversed, so that it was now black and red where the
old one had been white and blue, and it didn't leave a burning
impression in his skin when he held it, so the alignment must be
correct. Why hadn't it worked, then? The only thing he could think
of, off-hand, was that maybe he'd gotten the spell wrong. Not likely,
though. All he had to do was shout the two words that best described
his being, followed by 'POWER!', and that should have been enough.
"Happy Hentai" certainly seemed like an apt choice... No... It wasn't
THAT...
What, then? Let's see... The original had been attuned to
Mercury's essence, so the inverted object should respond to a mirror
image of her personality. The sailor had been good and proper. Well,
Happi was evil (sometimes) and perverted. So far, so good. So to
speak. She had also been studious, and diligent. Well, Happosai
was... Wait a minute. That was it. When it came to his work as the
master of the 'Anything-Goes School of Martial Arts', or as
professional panty-snatcher, the old man was as diligent as
anyone else. He might be a hentai, but he was a hard-working one. He
should have thought of that before... No WONDER the wand wouldn't
work for him. It wouldn't burn him, because of his general
character, but it wouldn't transform him either... Hmm... He would
just have to find someone it WOULD work for, and recruit them.
He needed someone who was a general slacker, didn't put much
effort even into things that interested him, and procrastinated and
loafed as much as possible. If he was in his own Nerima, he might
have been able to think of such a person, but he didn't know anyone
HERE. <When in doubt, use magic.>
Happosai reached into his bag, and pulled out a mirror.
<Heh. That Beast won't know I slipped him a broken Nanban mirror
for his own Farsight one until the villagers have chopped off his
head... I might not like that Gaston's methods, but they ARE
effective... And that Belle...> He still got light-headed when he
thought of THAT glomp... THERE was a person whose name suited her
perfectly... <No time for daydreaming now, though.> He sighed. <I'd
better get to work.>
He held the golden looking-glass in front of his face.
"Mirror; show me the chosen wielder of the anti-wand!"
The metallic frame crackled with green energy, while its
reflective surface first fogged, then cleared to reveal a young woman
sitting amidst various cleaning utilities, in a small room. Several
empty coffee cups, and one half-full, littered the floor.
She looked like she was in her late teens or early twenties, and
was wearing jeans with a green flannel shirt.
<What a BUILD!> thought Happosai. <SUGOI! If I have to hand over
the wand to someone else, I'm glad it's HER!>
Straight blonde hair reaching down to her shoulders framed her
face, and her eyes...
<Are those REAL?> mused the old man. <They seem so... So BLUE...>
He tried to get a closer look, but was prevented from doing so by the
pile of papers the girl was reading.
<I have to know...>
"Mirror, show me her eyes!"
Once again, the mirror crackled green, misted then cleared, this
time revealing two azure irises set in ivory orbs. They WERE blue.
Bluer than the Caribbean, and a darker blue than the sky... The night
sky in the country almost matched them, but not quite...
<What a HAUL! What a HAUL!>
If wandering around putrid tunnels with a giant turtle had
dampened
his spirits, this raised them right back up to their original level.
Maybe higher.
<Now, for the final touch...>
"Mirror, show me how to find this girl!"
The mirror flashed green...
* * * * *
"Come on, come on," Aaron said through clenched teeth, waiting
for someone at the house to pick up.
"Miller residence," said a female voice.
"Ukyou?"
"Aaron? What's up? I thought you were at work."
"I never made it. I tell you later. Who's at the house right now?"
"Just me and Gally."
"Where're the others?"
"Ranma and Akane said something about heading over to the Capitol
Building, Gally and I tried to get Ryouga to join us, but the
pig-headed fool decided to follow Akane instead. He's probably lost
somewhere."
Aaron groaned.
"It can't be helped," he said. "We'll find him later. Get Gally
and meet me at the diner we had breakfast at."
"Problem?"
"My friend, you don't know how big..."
* * * * *
Joy A. Plains took another sip of her Starbucks coffee. It
figured that the only prof boring enough to make a field trip to DC
dull would be the comp mythology one... What had possessed her to come
along, anyway? She'd only moved into Joking Towers a day or two ago,
and she had TONS of work to do...
Of course. Work. That was it. ANYTHING was better than hauling
heavy furniture up a flight of stairs. Well... Almost anything...
There was always homework, and exercise, and... All that other stuff
which could be associated with the W-word...
Thankfully, she'd been able to find an empty broom closet where
she could read her fanfics in peace while her classmates went around
the Natural History Museum sketching pictures of fertility dolls...
Thank GOODNESS she'd remembered to stuff those printouts into her
backpack. If she hadn't done that, she'd have gone NUTS! With no net
access for DAYS, even the school's VAX terminals were beginning to
look good.
She went back to her current 'fic, the latest release in the
'Ranma 2096' series. <This Willmore kid's sick,> she thought as she
read on. <So, Nabiki sleeps with Ryouga only to frame him for blowing
up the dojo? And Bell-Chan euthanises Kasumi with CLEANING FLUID?!?>
She frowned. <This is even worse than 'Revolution #9'... At least THAT
_admitted_ to not being serious...>
She was interrupted by the sudden opening of the closet door.
"You could've knocked!" she said, shielding her eyes. "That
light's too bright!"
"Joy A. Plains?" That voice... Where had she heard it before? Was
it one of the T.A.'s? Oh, no... If they found out she'd been slacking
again...
"I can explain! Really! I needed... Uh... The... Um... The
bathroom ran out of hand soap, so I came in here to find some!"
"YATTO!"
<Waitaminute. The T.A.s don't speak Japanese...>
"Anou... Did you just say 'At last'?"
"Yes."
<Then who...> She took her hands from her eyes, and turned
her head towards the door.
She saw, but her brain refused to register.
She blinked.
She blinked again.
There wasn't much more she could do. Unless she'd gone seriously
insane, Happosai was standing about a foot and a half away from her.
And if he WAS, she HAD gone seriously insane. This was not good.
Joy looked at her fanfic. Then, she looked at her coffee. <Mom
always _did_ tell me drinking too much of this stuff would be bad for
me...>
"Is something wrong?" asked the two-foot lecher. <Good. Can't be
Happi. He would've glomped me by now. Just too many fanfics, too much
coffee, and too little access to computers. If I calm down, this'll
all blow over...>
"No... Nothing's wrong... Um... Who are you?"
Instead of answering, the old man grinned and leapt onto her
chest.
"Happi's the name, and glomping's my game!" With that, he buried
his face onto her bosom. <It IS Happi.> Thank goodness for her
knowledge of Ranma 1/2... Thanks to years of reading manga and
watching the anime, she'd developed reflexes for times just like
these. With one fluid movement, she yanked the old man off of her and
smashed him against a wall, knocking some empty paint cans onto him in
the process.
"And she's a fighter, too! Perfect!"
"Perfect?"
"I have a proposition for you..."
"Oh, no you don't! I know all about YOU and your 'PROPOSITIONS'...
Try anything like that on me, and you'll end up back in that cave!"
Happi's eyes widened.
"You know about the..." He slapped himself on the forehead.
"That's right!" he exclaimed. "In this dimension, WE'RE the fictional
characters!"
Joy blinked. This was getting weird.
"HOW did you get here?" She couldn't deny he was real. Not now...
Not unless she wanted to admit to a full five-sense hallucination.
Sight - given. Sound - He talked, didn't he? Smell - He smelled like
a sewer. Kind of fit his personality. Touch - The glomp was enough
proof of that. Taste - ... Well... Maybe FOUR-sense. But that was
quite enough. If he was a hallucination, then she'd gone completely
bonkers, and she might as well accept him as part of her new reality.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," said Happosai, "And I'm
not about to tell you."
"Why not?"
"Now, now, lady... It's not polite to inquire into private
matters..."
This was getting twisted. Plains looked at the fanfic, still in
her hands. It was almost as bad as if Willmore were writing it...
Wait just a minute... If Happosai was HERE... Her eyes grew wide.
"Can you take me to the Ranmaverse?"
"What?"
"You're here, so there must be some sort of portal somewhere.
Can you take me to the Ranmaverse? You know, the Nerima with Ranma,
and Akane, and Ukyou, and..."
"Shhh... Of course I know!" A moment of silence while the old man
rubbed his chin and considered. "Yes, I suppose I could... For a
price..."
"I thought you were Happosai, not Nabiki."
"Watch your tongue, girl! If you know THAT much about my world,
you probably also know that I'm the master of the 'Anything-Goes
School of Martial Arts'!"
Heh. Right. She'd better remember that... Could be worse...
Could've been the master of the 'Almost-Anything-Goes School of
Marital Arts', from that lemon that'd been posted the other day...
Anyway, she'd better watch her tongue. She didn't need any of those
Happy-bombs from the movies going off...
"I'll be more careful in what I say," she agreed. "So, what are
your terms?"
"I will show you the way to the Ranmaverse, IF you agree to do
something for me..."
"A little 'something'? Explain..."
"I'm sure you won't mind... You seem quite familiar with... What
do they call it here? Animation? Mation?"
"Anime?"
"I believe that is it."
"Yes. Why?"
"Well, then, you've heard of the Sailor Scouts?"
Happosai knew about the senshi??? Strange...
"Yes... But how do YOU know about them?"
"If she's pretty, and animated, I've glomped her," Happi beamed.
"I should have guessed..."
"I get around."
"So I see..." she said. "What do the senshi have to do with this?"
"I want you to become one."
Dead silence.
"You don't.... LOOK... Like Luna."
"No... But I DO have a spare transformation wand... And all my
magic says that YOU'RE the one it's meant for."
"But... I'm not from the Moon Kingdom... I've never had any funny
memories, or anything..." <Never mind that the Moon Kingdom doesn't
even EXIST... Then again, neither did Happosai until a minute ago.>
"This isn't a Moon Kingdom wand."
"Oh?"
"Its magic is the exact opposite."
<A NEGAVERSE WAND??? It would fit... Happi's evil in a way...>
"Sorry. If you're looking for a super-villain, you've got the
wrong girl."
"Villain?"
"That's a Negaverse wand, right?"
"NO! It's a mirror image of the scout wands. It's as good or bad
as the person who uses it."
"And you say I'm that person?"
Happi nodded.
"You're the only one that can use it."
This COULD be interesting... Beat the heck out of Public
Speaking, and the super-strength would be handy for ROTC and ballet...
"All right. I'll bite. Where is it?"
Happosai walked over to where his sack had fallen and pulled a
wand out of it. It looked just like Sailor Mercury's in the anime,
except that it was all red and black.
"WOW!!!! Give it here!" Before the old man could say anything,
Joy snatched the rod from him and held it aloft.
"Mercury Star Power, Make-Up!"
Nothing happened. She shook it. Maybe it was from one of the
earlier seasons...
"Mercury Star Power!"
Nothing.
"Mercury Power!"
Nothing.
"I think it's broken," she said. Happi shook his head.
"It's fine. You're just using the wrong words."
"Isn't this Mercury's wand?"
"I TOLD you, girl, the magic's reversed. It's YOUR wand!"
"But I don't HAVE a planet yet, and all of them are taken!"
The old man sighed.
"You don't need a planet."
"No? Then what do I have to say?"
"Just pick the two words that best describe your essence. Dig
deep inside yourself... Find out where you draw your moral strength
from..."
"You mean, kind of like how Ranma turned the 'Roaring Lion Bullet'
into the 'Fierce Tiger Domineering'?"
"I suppose you could say that... When you've found them, just
shout them followed by POWER in the way you've been doing... That
SHOULD work."
"This might take a while..."
"It shouldn't take more than forty-five seconds."
"Why forty-five? Why not FIFTY?"
"It took forty-five seconds for Pocahontas to learn English,
so..."
"You know POCAHONTAS?" The mini-hentai just grinned at her. "Never
mind. She's cute, and she's animated. Right?" Nod, nod.
"Ok... I'll try it..."
Joy closed her eyes, and concentrated. <Think... Where does your
POWER come from...> She tried to picture situations in which she'd
been strong, or determined, but all that came to mind were an endless
stream of hours spent sleeping in the back of lecture halls, staying
up at night to read fanfics, finishing essays at the last minute...
<43, 44... 45!>
She opened her eyes, and raised the wand.
"IDLE... SLACKER... POWER!"
All of a sudden, the symbol at the tip of the rod began to emit
beams of energy in every colour of the spectrum. The room was filled
with light, and cheap synthesiser music began to play as Joy A. Plains
was lifted up and spun around by an invisible hand.
<I did it! I did it! I'm a sailor scout! But... Wait a minute...
When they transform, don't they...>
Her clothes began to dissolve.
"AIEEEEEEEEEE!"
"SUGOI!"
She could tell that Happi was enjoying this. Just her luck. It was
the Japanese transform, not the American edited version...
She wheeled about in the nude for another ten seconds, and then
new raiment formed on her limbs.
<Neat! I wonder what I'll get... A sailor fuku, maybe? I hope
it's with those neat little boots of Makoto's... Then again, Mars's
high-heels are also nice. I can't WAIT to see the tiara!>
The music stopped, the lights faded, and she floated slowly to the
ground. For some reason, she felt an almost irresistible urge to
contort herself into an almost-impossible position. Remembering countless
episodes of the show, and how silly the senshi looked when doing just
that, she managed to fight it back.
"Say hello to Sailor Slacker!" Joy put her hand to her mouth. Had
she actually SAID that???
"It worked! You did it!"
"It did?" Realisation hit. "It DID!!!" <Mirror... Mirror... Got
to find... Mirror...> She thought she remembered seeing one on one of
the shelves... A bit of rummaging, and... <Here it is!> She held it
to herself.
"Surprised?" asked Happi.
"Nothing's... Changed..." she said.
"Well? What did you expect?"
"Some nice clothes, at least!"
"Hmm..." Happi scratched his chin. "How do you USUALLY dress to
go to school?"
Joy blinked.
"Like this," she said. "We don't really have a dress code..."
"That explains it, then."
"What?"
"Take a look at Us... At Serena. When she turns into Sailor Moon,
what is she usually wearing?"
"Her school uniform."
"Which is?"
"It's a..." Realisation hit. "Oh."
"It wasn't a COMPLETE waste, though..." said the two-foot
abnormality. "You DID get a nice transformation." Pause. Wink. "A VERY
nice transformation."
THAT settled it.
"Why, you little PERVERT!" Sailor Slacker closed her hand into a
fist and connected with Happi's jaw. Rather than sending him AGAINST
the wall, as she'd hoped, she sent him THROUGH it. "Oopsie..."
"It seems not EVERYTHING has stayed the same," said the old man
from underneath the rubble. The third and fourth fingers of each hand
were bent in, while the others stayed fully extended, in the
'Takahashi Pain Posture'.
Sailor Slacker nodded. It seemed she HAD changed somewhat. And...
Wait! She fingered her neck. <THAT wasn't there before...> Ok. So
she HAD acquired a neck garter. A quick check found a new, shinier
belt buckle with a stylised 'SS' on it, some nifty short boots instead
of her old moccasins, and the fact that her jeans now seemed to have
been laundered. No tiara, or sailor fuku, though.
"All right, so the transformation worked. What am I supposed to do
NOW? I don't suppose you want me to go out fighting Negaverse
Youmas..."
<At least... I hope not...>
"Not quite," Happi said, rising slowly and dusting himself off.
"But I _do_ have a few spirits I need you to deal with..."
* * * * *
Back at the SDF-1 crash site, little had changed. Aphrodite-A had
reactivated the Gundam, and the two robots were necking, much to the
surprise (and disgust) of the general public. Minmei, still topless,
Lusheeta, and the now fully-recovered Serena were trying to order ice
cream again, and F**ker was continuing his attempt to explain the
situation to Nina, who refused to put down her blaster. Just as he
was running out of excuses and delays, a newcomer appeared next to the
Washington Monument.
As she drew closer, the features became more distinguishable. It
was a young woman dressed in blue jeans and a green flannel shirt,
with straight blonde hair that barely reached her shoulders and
striking blue eyes.
"I am Sailor Slacker, Champion of Leisure Time!" she cried, and
struck a pose.
"Hey! I'M the one who's supposed to do that!" yelled Serena. "Who
died and made YOU Sailor, anyway?"
Sailor Slacker blinked, and answered briefly, "Sailor Mercury, I
think..." before once more hardening her face, and continuing: "I am
sworn to sleep late and annoy instructors - and that means you! In the
name of the net, I will irk you!"
"Nina," said F**ker, "I think that blaster could be put to better
use by pointing it at HER, rather than at me."
Purpleton nodded.
"Agreed." She pivoted to face the anti-Sailor, and targeted her.
"You dare attack me?" asked Sailor Slacker. "Let's see how well
you
can handle depression! Course... Failing... Degradation!!!"
She put her hands together, and a beam of solid black emerged from
them. Just before it hit the engineer, another stepped in the way and
took the brunt of the attack.
"The world," he said, "is a dark and lonely place..."
The yellow-clad boy tried to use his umbrella for support, but
eventually collapsed into a blubbering lump on the ground.
"Oh, no!" cried Sailor Slacker. "I've knocked out Ryouga!"
The lost boy regained his composure and stood up, smiling evilly.
"It was a mistake to make me unhappy!"
<Uh-oh...> thought Joy, as she remembered Movie #2...
* * * * *
Aaron, Ukyou and Gally dashed out of the metro station. Ukyou
spotted the crowd of humans and mecha at the Washington Monument.
"Over there."
As the three of them approached they saw a blonde girl in blue
jeans get ready to blast, what looked like a translucent Nina
Purpleton. But a yellow flash appeared out of nowhere and took the
blast. It was, of course, Ryouga.
But that wasn't the only problem, Aaron happened to roll his eyes
upwards when he saw Ryouga begin to do the infamous "Blue Aura Thing"
that every character in "Ranma 1/2" had done at one point or another,
and saw two trails of smoke streaking across the sky. His eyes
followed the smoke trails and found their source.
"Ukyou?"
"Yes?"
"Am I imagining things, or are those two ballistic missiles
flying over the D.C. skyline?"
Ukyou gulped, Gally's eyes went wide and the headache Aaron had
had when he was released moved several steps toward a migraine.
=====================================================================
Next on "The Great Anime Crossover From Hell!!!":
Ukyou: I'm no shrink, but I think this is getting to Aaron just a
little. It might have helped if Ryouga hadn't blasted him...
(Insert shot of Aaron on the receiving end of the Shishi Houkodan)
Ukyou: He hasn't quite been himself since.
(Cut to shot of Aaron yelling at Roy, Nina, Sailor Slacker, and the
Charge of the Bimbo Brigade [Serena, Minmei, and Lusheeta])
Ukyou: Next time on "The Great Anime Crossover From Hell!!!": "Don't
Get Mad...Get FURRYOUS!!!"
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