Dark Streamline A.D. Viz-ion Image Entertainment Presents...
A "Not-Bloody-Likely" Production.
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---------- THE GREAT ANIME CROSSOVER FROM HELL!!! ----------
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by Erin "God, am I twisted or what?" Mills
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With apologies to all creators of the characters herein
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EPISODE 1: "Welcome to America!"
It was a clear night in Washington, D.C. The moon was shining overhead
like a large shining thing. It was the kind of night where it seemed that
just about anything could happen.
In this case "anything" was going to be a disaster.
The lights were on at the main building of Dark Streamline A.D.
Viz-ion Image Entertainment's R&D lab. Inside, video technicians,
scientists and some REALLY anti-social anime junkies were working on a new
anime release that was going to bury the competition.
Namely, the world's first 3-D anime release.
But, since the new equipment was so highly experimental, the first
tests were being run on the competition's videos.
"Resolution at 94%!"
"Colour steady."
"Increase the band width to sub-gx14!"
"RESOLUTION! I repeat, we have 100% resolution."
The techs, scientists and junkies all cheered at the three-dimensional
scene from the 'Ranma 1/2' video they were using for this first test,
appearing in the test centre...
The Man in the Black Cloak stood with a start. It had begun! The first
step towards the total breakdown of the universe! Now all he had to do was
give those idiot scientists in D.C. a little push.
The Man in the Black Cloak smiled.
"Wait'll they get a load of this..."
"Overload!"
"What?!"
"Overload! The 3-D system's gonna blow!"
"Get everybody out!"
"It's too late!"
A massive blue glow filled the test centre. Inside the adjacent
control room, the techs, scientists and junkies did NOT see the explosion
they were expecting. Instead, they saw four human silhouettes appear in
the glow. One had a long extension coming out the base of it's skull,
something like a pigtail. Another had short, close cut hair, a third had
some unidentifiable bladed weapon in it's hands and the fourth was
apparently carrying a large backpack and an umbrella shaped object.
The silhouettes looked around, then the one with the umbrella-like
object charged the far wall.
"BAKUSAITENKETSU!!!"
The wall exploded into a million fragments. The silhouettes dashed
out into the Washington night.
A tech turned to one of the scientists.
"It appears that someone f**ked up."
"If you're gonna swear, swear, don't use this asterisks crap," the
scientist replied.
Aaron Miller loved D.C. He said it in exactly those words.
"I love D.C. I love the people, I love the places. I love getting up
in the morning and going to work at Dark Streamline A.D. Viz-ion Image
Entertainment and being paid to watch all the new releases."
But what he loved the most was Spring Break. Because he knew, that
when Spring Break came around, it was time for Ye Olde Anime Con. D.C.'s
biggest anime convention. Spring Break was usually the best time of the
year for him.
So it was perfectly natural that Murphy's Law was going to drop the
whole mess right into Aaron's lap.
Aaron walked down the alley. It was Spring Break again. He was out of
classes at Georgetown University for a few days, and he'd just got off six
gruelling hours of anime viewing at Dark Streamline, etc.
He'd paid the registration fee for Ye Olde Anime Con this year, and
was feeling pretty good.
Then something landed on him.
Aaron pushed and shoved to get whatever landed on him off, when it
moved away on it's own. Through his blurry vision, Aaron could see not
one, but two figures standing over him.
"Way to go, Ranma, you killed him," said the girl with the short hair
and the huge mallet.
"Hey, he got in the way. Besides, if you hadn't got us lost, maybe we
wouldn't have landed on him in the first place!" said the boy with the
pigtail.
"*I* got us lost!" the girl retorted. "Ryouga could probably find his
way around better than you!
"`Let's check out the rooftops', you said. `We can probably find them
a lot easier.' I don't know why I listen to you, you baka!"
"Who're you callin' a baka, tomboy!"
"Hentai!"
"Maniac!"
Somewhere, in the addled blob of chemical by-product that was currently
masquerading as his brain, Aaron came to an astonishing revelation. The
insults, the arguing, the total lack of comprehension of anything around
them. These two had to be...
"Ranma and Akane?!" Aaron cried, sitting up. The two main characters
of "Ranma 1/2" looked down at him.
"How do you know who we are?" Akane asked, "I've never seen you
before," Ranma hoisted Aaron up, one-handed, by the lapels of Aaron's
leather jacket.
"Okay, pal, spill it. Who are you, where are we, and what is going
on?"
"Aaron Miller. Washington, D.C. and I have no id--OOF!"
The OOF was because Ranma dropped him after the D.C. came out.
"Washington, D.C.?!" Akane asked. "You mean America?"
"No," Aaron said sarcastically. "This is a new addition to Tokyo
Disneyland. Of course, it's America!"
"Then, why are you speaking Japanese?" asked Akane.
"I'm not."
"He's lyin'" Ranma suggested. "He's just some loon who's tryin' to
pull a fast one. Let's go, Akane." The two of them turned to leave.
"Then why are both of you speaking perfect English?" Aaron called
after them. The two teenagers froze and looked at each other.
"I'm hearing English," Aaron continued. "Am I right in assuming that
you're hearing Japanese?"
"Come on, Akane," said Ranma, wanting to be away from this crazy
gaijin freak. The two ran back down the alley. Aaron stood up and followed
them. If they acted as usual, things were going to get very complicated in
the next little while...
Elsewhere, Ryouga Hibiki was lost (big surprise). This wasn't anything
especially new, just the circumstances. The last thing Ryouga remembered,
he was about to trounce Ranma in front of Ucchan's when Ukyou and Akane
showed up to halt the fight. There was a flash of blue light and then all
four of them were in some sort of lab. He had panicked and blasted a hole
in the wall of the lab and they had all run off.
Somehow, they'd all gotten separated. Ryouga knew he had to find Akane
and protect her from Saotome's clutches, before something awful happened.
"Where is the Saotome dojo?" he demanded to the room he found himself
in.
The desk sergeant looked at him with a look of disbelief.
"Ranma! Akane! Wait up!"
"Get away from us, you loon!"
"Look, if we could just talk this out!"
"Ranma, stop!"
Ranma did, allowing Aaron to catch up. Aaron looked around and turned
to the anime characters.
"Do you believe me now?"
They were standing in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Akane turned to
Aaron.
"What's going on?"
"I have no idea," Aaron replied. "Why don't you tell me your story?
Maybe we can figure it out."
"Okay."
Aaron and Akane picked up Ranma from his face-fault and hauled him
over to a park bench.
Meanwhile, in Lafayette Park, Ukyou Kuonji was trying to figure out
where to go. She knew she was in Washington, D.C. She was just as confused
as everybody else as to what was going on. She now needed to figure out
what to do.
"Find Ran-chan, Akane and Ryouga." she thought, "Then try to get back
to Japan. There's got to be a rational explanation for all this..."
"Hey, sweet thing."
Ukyou turned to see several followers of the hemp movement beckoning
her over.
"C'mere sweet thang, we wanna talk to you." Ukyou smelled trouble. Her
hand went to the bandoleer across her chest and withdrew two of her
throwing spatulas.
"Yes?" she asked.
"You gots any money for a few down and out souls?" one of them asked.
"No," she replied.
"I think you're lyin'"
"Think what you want, good-bye."
"No, no, no," said the thug. "Y'see, we charge a toll to walk through
this park. If you ain't got no money, we need to work out another form of
payment. Get her!"
Three of the thug's friends moved to grab Ukyou.
There were two flashes and two of the thugs dropped, howling in pain
at the razor edged spatulas that were sticking into them.
The third tried to manoeuvre around Ukyou, but she jumped ten feet
straight up and over him, whipped out her four foot combat spatula and
whacked the thug into dreamland.
The leader and the others moved toward her pulling out assorted
weaponry.
Ukyou smiled and reached into her shirt. She pulled out a small bag of
flour and hurled it at the ground. Instantly, a huge cloud surrounded her
and the thugs.
When the flour settled, Ukyou was standing victorious on a pile of
moaning junkies.
"Looks like America isn't *that* much different from Japan," said
Ukyou.
Then she heard the sirens.
"And that's the whole story," Akane finished.
"So," Aaron said. "Not only are you two here, but Ukyou and Ryouga as
well. You were in Nerima one minute and then D.C. the next,"
"Sounds like something out of a comic book, doesn't it?" Akane said.
Aaron began to laugh.
"What's so funny?" asked Ranma sternly. Aaron shut up.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news," he began but was interrupted when a
police car passed by and he heard the radio message through the open
window.
"One-eighty-six, report of an assault in Lafayette Park. Perpetrator
is about sixteen, Asian, and was reported carrying a...spatula?"
Aaron stood up. "Come on."
"What?"
"I think we just found Ukyou."
"Oh, come on, lieutenant!"
"No, Miller!" said Lt. Chuck Mallory. "There's no bail for the Kuonji
girl. She roughed up some kids in Lafayette Park, for no reason."
"I saw those kids, Chuck, they shake down anyone they see as easy
prey. How were they to know she could swing a spatula like that?"
"That's another thing, we're not so sure she's all right upstairs," said
Mallory. "She's got no ID, no passport, and no SS number. Toss her and
that four foot spatula in with that nut-case with the umbrella and the
never-ending bandannas and that's a full day."
"Did you say umbrella and never-ending bandannas?"
"Yeah, said his name was Hibiki. Ryouga Hibiki. Came barging in here
looking for some sorta dojo. Then he attacked a couple of officers when
they tried to get him to calm down. We tossed him in the lockup. Tried to
get rid of that damn bandanna, but there was just another one under it,
and another and another. And before you ask, NO, there's no bail for him
either. At least, not until we figure out just what the hell is going on!"
Aaron sighed, and did what he always did whenever he wanted Mallory to
do something for him.
"All right, Chuck, you win. I'll tell you what's going on."
"Really?"
"You're holding one person who just happened to be lost and came in
here for help. He's not exactly the social type true, but your boys over
reacted. Admit it, which one of them acted aggressively first? I lay even
odds your rookies pulled their guns, right?"
Mallory grumbled. Aaron pressed on.
"And your holding a girl who was simply defending herself when she was
accosted, using an unusual weapon true, but do you think any jury's gonna
convict either of them? Let 'em go, drop the charges, and I won't say
anything about how the D.C. police treated some Asian friends of mine!"
Mallory's face had turned a shade of purple by that time.
"Tell Blevins to let 'em out, and don't let me catch your friends
again or so help me, you'll be in there with 'em!"
"Pleasure doing business with you, Lieutenant," Aaron said on his way
out the door.
"Thank you, Miller-san," said Ukyou.
"You have my thanks as well," Ryouga added.
"Call me Aaron. I keep looking for my father whenever I hear the
phrase Mr. Miller."
"How'd you get them to drop the charges?" Akane asked.
"A great American tradition called blackmail. Lt. Mallory's so afraid
of being exposed as the bigot he is, he'll do anything short of false
arrest or murder to shut me up."
"Well, now what?" Ranma asked.
"I think I need to explain a few things to you guys. I don't suppose
you've got anywhere to stay?" The four anime stars looked at each other.
"I thought not." said Aaron. "Come on, you can stay at my place. My
roommates all went home for Spring Break anyway."
"Thanks a lot, Aaron," said Ranma. "I guess you're not quite the loon I
thought you were."
"Thank you, Ranma," Aaron said, bowing mockingly. "It's a rare honour
to have four well-known fictional characters staying at my place."
"FICTIONAL CHARACTERS?" the Nerimites yelled.
"Oh, hell," said Aaron.
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Next time on "The Great Anime Crossover From Hell!!!":
"Things go from bad to worse. After explaining to the "Ranma 1/2"
characters that they don't really exist in this world, we have to figure
out who's killing off some of the local street punks and taking their
heads to the police. I'll give you three guesses as to who it is."
(Insert clip of Gally trouncing Grewicica)
"And the first two don't count."
Be here for: "Law vs. Justice---What Do You Mean They're Not the
Same Thing?" next on "The Great Anime Crossover From Hell!!!"
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Brought to you by
Erin Mills
Mill0622@badger.snow.edu
All DETAILED flames, questions, comments, and incoherent ramblings
are accepted.