Dark Streamline A.D. Viz-ion Image Entertainment presents...
A "Not-Bloody-Likely" Production
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----------- THE GREAT ANIME CROSSOVER FROM HELL!!! -----------
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by Erin Mills and Christopher Willmore, "The Great Fanfic Scammers!!!"
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With apologies to the creators of the characters herein
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Episode 4: Hey! The Dead Have Rights Too, Ya Know!
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OBLIGATORY NOTES N' QUOTES:
Time: immediately after the end of ep. 3
"We want you to find out who is manipulating Reality."
"Get out of here!"
---Ruby and the Rodent Kapoor, "The Adventures of Ruby"
"Looking back on it now, I find that getting arrested was a good
thing...at least I couldn't be held responsible for the mess at the
Washington Monument this time."
---Aaron Miller, said in 1998
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Aaron's cab pulled up to the Smithsonian. The time was 9 AM.
Unbeknownst to him, the bridge of the SDF-1 was due to crash-land exactly
where he was standing in approximately 2 hours.
Anyway, he dashed up the steps to the Museum of American History. He
had to stop Lupin from stealing whatever it was he was stealing. He knew
Mallory and Zenigata were headed for wrong place, Lupin had sent them on a
wild goose chase, but Aaron knew where he'd gone.
It was logical really. Fujiko was in the car with him, they were in
close proximity to the Smithsonian, and Lupin was an incurable sex addict,
especially when Fujiko was in close proximity.
End result: Fujiko was going to get Lupin to swipe something for her.
And if Aaron knew Fujiko's tastes, that something was...
"The Hope Diamond!" said Fujiko, staring at the diamond from the
balcony above the display case. "What a sight,"
"Indeed," said Lupin, looking in the vicinity of Fujiko's chest.
Fujiko noticed and stood up.
"You know the deal, Lupin," she said, smirking. "You get the diamond
and then you get _me_."
"I know, I know," said Lupin.
He pulled back his right arm, as if going to punch thin air, but when
the follow-through came, a minature plastic grapple attached to a length
of monofilament wire came shooting out of his sleeve and wrapped itself
around the chandelier above the display case.
Lupin gave the line a few experimental tugs to make sure the grapple
was set, then threw both legs over the balcony so he was sitting on the
rail. He looked back at Fujiko.
"How 'bout a kiss for good luck?" he asked.
Fujiko smiled and gave Lupin's face a shove, sending him flying.
"Oh, thank you so much!" said Lupin, annoyed, as he swung over the
space above the display case.
He reached down to his belt with his left hand and flipped open a
compartment on his belt buckle, revealing a small crank. He used the crank
to lower himself towards the display case.
"Where's the Hope Diamond?" Aaron asked the information desk.
"Down the hall and to the left, sir," said the woman behind the desk.
"But it's been closed for fumigation,"
"Since when?"
"Just now, sir. Two fumigators arrived and said they needed to
fumigate the room. They had all the appropriate paperwork--"
"Shit!" Aaron cursed, then made a dash for the display room. The woman
at the desk looked at his receeding figure, then picked up the phone.
"Lt. Mallory?" she asked, "You were right, all three of them are
here..."
Lupin had just managed to manuever past the electric eyes and was now
working on deactivating the pressure sensitive plate in the display case.
He checked the interior workings. A couple of thousand miles of wiring
stared back at him. Ah, the hell with it, there were easier ways to do
this. Lupin reached into his back pocket and withdrew a large firecracker
and a lighter.
He was preparing to light the fuse when Aaron burst through the doors
to the display room.
"Hold it, Lupin!"
"Who the hell are you?" Lupin asked, "Another one of Zenigata's
lackeys?"
"No, I'm not a cop, I'm someone who's had his life turned upside-down
in the past day and a half and I'm putting a stop to it right now. Where
did you come from?"
"From my parents, originally,"
"That's not what I meant!"
"No idea, Fujiko and I were in London not half an hour ago, then there
was a blue flash and we found ourselves outside the Capitol Building. So,
I decided to move up this heist."
"Really," said Aaron. "I suppose Fujiko promised to have sex with you
if you got her this diamond."
"More or less," admitted Lupin.
"Then how do you explain the taser she currently has pointed at us?"
Lupin whirled around. Sure enough, Fujiko had her taser gun out and
had it pointed in their general vicinity.
"Sorry, Lupin, but I've got a client who wants the diamond. Just
business. I'm sure you understand,"
"Slight problem there, Fujiko," said Aaron.
"And you, how do you know who we are?"
"Would you believe that you don't exist here?"
"No."
"Thought not," said Aaron. Lupin walked back from the window he'd gone
to during the above exchange.
"Hate to cut this short," he said to Aaron, reaching into the pocket
of his jacket. "But since Zenigata and the D.C. police are outside, I
think it's time we got out of here."
"Good idea," said Aaron. "I think I can find the back door..."
"Thanks, but no thanks," said Lupin, pulling out the smoke bomb he'd
been fingering and throwing it to the floor.
The entire chamber was instantly filled with thick black smoke. Aaron
thrashed around blindly, looking for the door. He bumped into something
and suddenly felt an increase weight in the vicinity of his wrists.
When the smoke cleared, Aaron saw approximately twenty cops with their
weapons drawn, Mallory and Zenigata staring at him coldly, and the pair of
handcuffs on his wrists.
Lupin, Fujiko and the Hope Diamond were nowhere to be found.
Mallory smiled.
"I've waited a long time for this. Aaron Miller, you're under arrest
for aiding and abetting a known felon. Read him his rights."
"Aw, hell!" Aaron said.
* * * * *
"Aw, heck!" F**ker said. "Don't bother with the Moon Healing
Activation, Usagi. We're not youma."
Sailor Moon blinked.
"You know..."
"About the transformation? Of course I do!"
"But it's supposed to be secret..."
"Let me get this straight. You do flashy pyrotechnics in the nude to
change from a school uniform into a... a... into a more nicely cut version
of a school uniform, and you expect no one to NOTICE?!?"
The Moon Princess was growing redder by the minute. Then again, so was
Captain Gloval.
"Funny," he slurred, "I don't remember having any schtuff; but this is
SOME trip... WHEEEEEE!!!"
Lisa tried to pretend none of this was happening.
Minmei giggled.
Sheeta stared at the sky.
Rick just stared.
"Pyrotechnics... In the... Nude?" he stammered.
"How could you even THINK about me in that way, you, you pervert!!!
Moon... Tiara..."
F**ker interrupted her.
"Please. Be my guest. If we're lucky, you'll kill us, and we won't
have to put up with your whining when you change back."
The heat generated by the sailor's anger was almost enough to overcome
the power loss caused by the spaceship's crash landing.
"And how do you know so much ABOUT me, anyway?"
"Zoisite told me all about you... USAGI."
The Moon Princess blinked.
"Zoisite's dead."
"So am I."
"WHAT?!?!?"
"Long story. Wait. No, that's not right. Short story. I got blown up.
I went to heaven."
"Zoisite? In HEAVEN?"
"With the budget cuts, they've had to give up on Hell."
"This is getting stranger and stranger..." said Lisa.
"Um... But... One thing..." said Sailor Moon.
"Yes?" asked F**ker.
"What's this rabbit you keep mentioning?" F**ker face-faulted.
"It's your name!" he said. "It's what you're called when you're
wearing black shoes instead of red boots!"
"No it's not! Don't be silly! What kind of mother would name her kid
'rabbit'?!? MY REAL NAME IS SERENA!!!"
Her words echoed through the park. In the shadows, a figure whispered
to itself... <So that's who you are! At last.... My revenge will be
complete! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!>, then promptly vanished.
"I just did a dumb thing, didn't I?" asked Serena. The crew of what
had been the SDF-1 nodded. "So, you're all ghosts?" Lisa shook her head.
"No," she said. "Only F**ker's dead."
"Oh, really?" said Serena.
"Really," said Lisa.
"Then how come I can see through you?"
"Nani?!?!?"
"She's right, Lisa," said Rick. Hayes glared at him. "I mean... She's
right, Commander Hayes. I can see right through your clothes, and... I...
I mean..." he blushed a deep red. "I just did a dumb thing, didn't I?" The
crew of what had been the SDF-1 nodded.
"Rick! How could you be so... so... And I had hopes that we..." Lisa
ran off into the distance, crying.
"LISAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Rick got up from where he had been crouching and
chased after her.
"You're SURE you're not dead?" Sailor Moon asked the others, after the
pair had disappeared from sight.
"I dunno if we're dead," said Captain Gloval, "but this seems like
HEAVEN!!!"
"I hope that drug wears off quickly," said Fokker. "He's beginning to
get annoying."
"Could someone PLEASE tell me what's GOING ON???" asked Serena.
"I don't know," said Minmei, "but it's FUN! When do we eat?"
Sheeta continued to stare at the sky.
"Er..." said F**ker, "The only people who might have been able to
explain this have left, so..."
"I'd better call in for help." Sailor Moon pulled out her
communicator.
"Am... I mean, 'Sailor Mercury'... I need you over here right now. I
don't CARE if your final is tomorrow! A spaceship just crash-landed in
front of the Washington monument." A pause. "Yes, I know that yesterday
the Washington monument was far away from Tokyo, but that's changed. It's
here, now. Just COME, OK?!? Geeze..." She pressed another button. "'Sailor
Mars'? It's me. Ser... 'Sailor Moon'. I need you at the Washington
monument. We're having some trouble with..." The remaining 'spirits'
looked at her. Serena lowered her voice. "I'm having problems with
g-h-o-s-t-s..."
"Hey!" said Minmei. "That's SNEAKY! No fair SPELLING THINGS!"
F**ker grinned.
"You're gonna try to EXORCISE us? To tell the truth, I hope you do...
Nina's promised me a very pleasant evening tonight..."
Sheeta looked down for the first time.
"Exercise? I don't like doing anything PHYSICAL..."
"I wouldn't worry about that..." said F**ker. "We're not quite
physical at the moment, so..."
"Sailor Mercury, reporting for duty!" An impossibly blue-haired girl
in matching sailor fuku appeared on the scene.
"Oh, I'm so glad you're here!" said Serena, and ran to hug her.
"These are... These are..."
"F**ker," said F**ker.
"Sheeta," said Sheeta.
"I know we're impressive, but there's no need to SWEAR..." said Sailor
Mercury.
"Those are our names," said F**ker.
"My condolences," answered Mercury. "What's... Who's THAT?" she asked,
pointing at the now-collapsed Captain Gloval.
"That's our captain," said Minmei. "He ate too many magic mushrooms.
Isn't he cute when he's asleep?"
"And THAT'S Minmei..." said F**ker.
"They're not sure whether they're alive," said Sailor Moon.
"What?" asked Sailor Mercury.
"They crash-landed, and they know that the cute blonde one's a ghost,
but..." Mercury shuddered.
"Better not let him near Jupiter," she said. "We don't want her
to turn necrophiliac..." Serena nodded.
"But the others don't know if they're dead or not. They think they're
alive, but they don't know why they're invisible."
"You mean, 'translucent'."
"I mean you can kind of see through them."
"Never mind. I take it you flunked English again?" Sailor Moon
blushed.
"I... I did..."
"ENGLISH?!?" said F**ker. "I thought you were Japanese!"
"I AM!" said Serena. "And like everyone ELSE in Tokyo, I speak
English!"
"I guess the SDF-1 really HAS been away for too long..." F**ker said.
"If you're confused, I might be able to help," said Mercury. She
reached into an invisible pocket in her outfit and pulled out a small pink
plastic item.
"What's THAT?" asked Sheeta.
"It's my Supercomputer."
"Super... Computer?" Lusheeta was very confused.
"You've never heard of a computer before?" Sheeta shook her head.
"But you've travelled through space?" Sheeta nodded. Mercury looked at
F**ker for an answer, but he only shrugged.
"No time to explain NOW," she said. "Just tell me everything you can
about what's happened recently. I'll type it in and see what the machine
comes up with."
F**ker nodded.
"Minmei," he said, "I hate to say this, but you'll have to tell the
story, because I came in after the fun had started." Minmei giggled.
"Oh, I LOVE telling STORIES! Especially when they're about ME!!!"
F**ker sighed. Sailor Moon looked for a nice place to curl up and take
a nap.
"Well, it began when I was trying to explain to Captain Gloval how I
should be subsidized..."
* * * * *
"...and that's all that's happened so far!"
"Is she done yet?" asked Serena, slowly waking up.
"I certainly hope so," said F**ker. "Thanks to THAT, AND the drugs, I
doubt we'll have to worry about the captain waking up..."
"Hmm..." said Mercury. "Interesting..."
"What is it?" asked Sheeta. "Has that machine told you what's going
on?"
"You say the Zoisites warped..."
"Zoisite's warped..." said Sailor Moon.
"The ZENTRAEDI," corrected F**ker.
"Whatever. The Z-things warped right before the beam hit you?"
"Hai," said Sheeta. F**ker and Minmei nodded.
"Well, my computer tells me that it was YOU that warped, right AS the
beam hit you. So you're stuck in between being completely physical and
being a collection of multicoloured dust particles."
"One problem," said F**ker. "We couldn't warp. That's why we were
stuck near Pluto."
At the mention of the planet's name, Serena entered a dream-like
state...
"Pluto..." she said, "Why does that name sound oddly familiar?"
"Because it's the LAST PLANET IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM???" asked F**ker.
"Hush!" said Mercury. "She's having one of her 'flashback'
sequences. Pay attention."
[Start Flashback Sequence]
For some reason, the world has grown all fuzzy and bright white, and
though the scene is one where tons of people are assembled in what seems
to be a court, if you try to look at anyone's face, they turn away, or
sink into shadow...
At the head of a great hall is Serena, dressed in a white gown,
and looking very regal. A messenger is kneeling at her feet.
"Your Majesty," he says, "Your request for a companion has been
fulfilled. Pluto has arrived."
"Send her in," said Serena.
"Her, your Majesty?"
Serena blinked.
"I... I certainly hope so..."
"A... As you wish, milady. Here, boy!"
With that, a large but scrawny yellow dog with black ears and a red
collar came bounding through the hall, to finally end up right before the
throne. Before the Moon Princess could see its face, however, the images
began to fade, and all she could hear as the memory faded was the
messenger saying,
"We had to battle a talking mouse to get it..."
[End Flashback Sequence]
"Who needs Sharon Apple?" said F**ker. "Just hook 'er up to an
amplifier, and have everyone share in her flashbacks like this..."
"Sharon Apple?" asked Minmei. F**ker began to sweat.
"It's... er.... It's in your future," he said. "Your FAR future. No
need to worry about competition, Minmei... It's not like you'll get
replaced by MACHINES, or anything..."
"REPLACED?" exclaimed the singer.
"Never mind," said F**ker.
"Okay." Minmei giggled.
"Getting back to the topic," said Mercury, "my computer's analysis
indicates that except for the blonde..."
"My name is F**ker."
"I don't use words with asterisks in them, even if they're proper
names."
"Then call me Roy."
"All right. So, only 'Roy' is fully deceased, and the rest of you
would be dead, if you had stayed in your universe."
"STAYED IN OUR UNIVERSE?!?" Lusheeta gasped.
"Well, it seems that when you jumped..."
"We couldn't jump," said F**ker.
"I HOPPED!" said Minmei.
F**ker buried his face in his hands.
"Is EVERYONE from outer space so weird?" asked Serena.
"You didn't jump," said the blue-haired girl. "Something pulled you
here."
"What could have done that?" said Roy.
"Same thing that pulled you out of heaven and into that ship, and very
likely the same thing that 'ported the Washington monument into downtown
Tokyo."
"This isn't Tokyo," said Lusheeta. "I could see Japan as we came close
to the planet, and it was on the opposite hemisphere."
"She's right, Miss Planet."
"It's SAILOR MERCURY!"
"Sailor? No wonder you all wear navy blue..."
"Ha ha," said Mercury.
"Are you done yet?" Serena whined. "Just tell me whether I should kill
them or not, so we can leave... I'm hungry..."
"I'll be a while, but there's a hot dog stand at the entrance to the
park."
Sailor Moon's eyes lit up.
"Hot dogs?!?" she asked. "Really???" Mercury nodded.
"Oh, boy!" said Serena, and ran to the vendor.
"Thanks for getting rid of her," said F**ker.
"No problem."
"Anyway," continued Roy, "we're in Washington, D.C.. In the U.S."
Sailor Mercury blinked.
"You're SURE?" she asked.
"Unless the bridge's navigational equipment and my own eyes failed."
"But... but..." Mercury punched buttons on her computer frantically.
"The computer didn't say anything about..."
"Erm... Miss Mercury?" asked Lusheeta. "Can your computer REALLY tell
you all that stuff?"
Mercury looked up.
"Yes, it can."
"But it's so small!" said Sheeta.
"And plastic..." added Roy. "What network is it hooked up to?"
"Network?!?"
"Yep. Don't tell me you can store a database as large as the one you
need in something the size of a pencilcase. You've probably hooked it up
to a bunch of supermainframes somewhere, right?"
Mercury began to sweat.
"No... It's just... This thing..."
"Oh? So we're supposed to believe that a pink plastic thing about half
as thick as my wrist and as long as my hand can answer any question you
can think of?"
"Er... yes?"
"Wrong." said Roy.
"Are you... Are you... FIBBING?" Lusheeta's eyes watered up at the
thought of being lied to.
"No! I'm not! Look!" Mercury shoved the computer in front of
Lusheeta's face.
"It says, 'Made in Taiwan'..." answered the Laputan heir.
"Oh, look!" said Minmei. "Isn't that Mario and Luigi?"
"WHAT?!?" Mercury's eyes widened, and she snatched the computer back
to look at it. "Tarnation! I forgot to press the 'Boss Key'!"
"So you've REALLY been making it up?" asked Roy.
Serena dropped the hot dog she was coming back with, as she heard the
exchange.
"You mean that... All those times that we went on your advice..."
Sailor Moon began to hyperventilate. "You were GUESSING?"
Mercury nodded sheepishly.
"I... I'm afraid so..."
"We could have DIED! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Serena put on a waterworks
display worthy of Soun Tendo.
"Well, your explanation DOES cover all the bases," admitted Roy, "even
if it didn't come from a computer."
"Thank-you."
"But I think that you were yanked, as well... From Tokyo into DC..."
"I... I suppose that's possible..." admitted Mercury.
"We're in the U.S.?!?!?" asked Serena. "Yippee! I wanna go to
Disneyworld!"
"That's in Florida, 'Sailor Moon'..." said Mercury.
"Disneyworld? Is that some sort of military complex?" asked F**ker.
"It's an amusement park."
"Can we go too?!?" asked Lusheeta and Minmei.
"It's also very far away," said Mercury.
"BWAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Minmei, Lusheeta and Serena cried in unison.
"But wait!" Sailor Moon stopped wailing. "There's always... Baskin
Robbins!"
"What?" Minmei and Lusheeta blinked.
"ICE CREAM! AMERICAN ICE CREAM! AND FAST FOOD! McDONALD'S! WENDY'S!
BURGER KING! YAY!" Sailor Moon exclaimed ecstatically.
Mercury turned red, her blush clashing severely with her hair.
"I'd like to apologize for her behaviour," she told Roy. "She's not
always like this..."
"It's OK," said F**ker. "Remember; I've had to deal with Minmei...."
A red-and-white-clad figure entered the area.
"Sailor Mars, reporting for duty."
"It's about TIME you got here," said Serena. "Where have you BEEN?"
"Sorry. I was busy with another exorcism." She turned to look at
Sailor Mercury. "By the way... I need you to fix a keyboard for a ghost."
"I'll get on it as soon as we're done here," said Mercury. "But... I
didn't know ghosts could type."
"He's not doing a very good job, but..." Mars shrugged. "The guy's
gone through a lot. AND he's kind enough to wear a suit instead of those
ridiculous robes, horns and fangs that spirits usually put on."
"Understood," said Mercury.
"Are these the ghosts I'm supposed to put to rest?" Mars pointed at
Roy, Minmei and Sheeta.
"We're not sure... The cute blonde one is dead, for sure, but the
others are kind of in between."
"Well, I'll try anyway..." She reached into a hidden pocket in her
sailor fuku, and pulled out a handful of wards. Just as she was about to
put one on F**ker's forehead, a voice from behind interrupted her.
"Stop it right there!"
"Huh?" asked Mars, and turned around. Standing before her was a girl,
about her age, dressed in flashy Chinese clothes, and carrying a glowing
sword.
"Leave such proceedings to your betters," she said.
"I'm one of the Sailor Scouts! Who is it that claims to be one of my
'betters'? I'll have you know I've been defeating youmas and exorcising
spirits for YEARS!"
"I am Yohko, the 108th generation of Mamono hunters, and _I_ will put
these spirits in their graves!"
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Next: Sailor Mars vs Devil Hunter Yohko in an all-out battle to the
death! Er.. For the death! I mean... For the dead! For the death
of the dead! <You know what I'm trying to say...>
Also... Uh-oh! Big trouble! Aaron and company are in jail! Will
they escape?
And... Rick Hunter and Lisa Hayes loose in Washington, D.C...
What kind of mayhem will ensue?
Find out, in the fifth installment of:
"The Great Anime Crossover from Hell!"
Brought to you by Erin Mills v2.0 and Christopher Willmore