Dark Streamline A.D. Viz-ion Image Entertainment presents...
A "Not-Bloody-Likely" Production
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----------- THE GREAT ANIME CROSSOVER FROM HELL!!! -----------
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by Erin "He of the Screwy Mail Server" Mills
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With apologies to the creators of the characters herein
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Episode 3: Faith, Hope Diamond and Charity
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PRELIMINARY NOTES AND QUOTES:
Time: Two hours after the end of Episode 2 (approx. 7 AM)
"There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that Reality
is a figment of the imagination." --The Criminologist, "The Rocky
Horror Picture Show."
"If Reality is a figment of the imagination, then the Man in the
Black Cloak was SEVERELY f**ked up in the head!" ---Aaron Miller,
said in 1998.
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Gally was waiting for them when they arrived.
"This is a strange city," she said to Aaron Miller.
"Not as strange as it's been lately," Ranma said. Aaron glared at him.
"Let me make the introductions," said Aaron and proceeded to introduce
Gally to Ranma Saotome, Akane Tendo, Ryoga Hibiki and Ukyou Kuonji.
"Now that that's out of the way, I'm sure you have questions."
"Yes," said Gally. "Quite a few."
"Let's talk it over during breakfast," Ranma said.
"Good idea," said Akane. "I'm sure I could help whip up something."
There were general sounds of polite protest.
A-actually, Akane," Aaron stammered, "I was going to take everybody
to a little diner I always eat at, yeah, that's the ticket, yeah!"
* * * * *
Meanwhile, across town, Lt. Chuck Mallory was investigating a crime
scene. A junkie had been found suffering from multiple lacerations and
contusions in an alley in Georgetown. The cuts corresponded to those on a
severed head delivered to D.C.P.D. precinct 17 earlier that morning.
"Lieutenant," said a young rookie, "We found something!"
Mallory walked over to the alley wall where a red smear covered a
section. Though blurry, the bloodstains seemed to create a crude sketch of
the Washington Monument.
Mallory frowned.
"Get me a car."
* * * * *
The Man in the Black Cloak inhaled. The time was almost near. He let
his mind wander through all the possible worlds. He'd already brought the
thief and the cop over. Now he needed to get reinforcements. His mind
formed two images; One, a spaceship from the Santovascu Empire, an ugly
thing that looked like a giant snail. And a fleet of ships that looked
vaguely insect like, but then the Invid were a hive mind after all.
The Man in the Black Cloak focused his mental energy, preparing to
bring the two images to his relative location in Reality.
Unfortunately, a small part of his mind wandered.
There was an enormous blue flash, and the ships appeared nearby. But
the blue glow didn't stop. The Man in the Black Cloak searched the worlds
with horror.
He had ripped a gash in certain worlds, leading them to the real
Earth. He saw two young girls in red outfits with stylized yin and yang
symbols on their chests. He saw a group of young women in sailor outfits.
He saw what was definitely a girl wearing a red mask, boots, gloves and
*nothing else*! He saw another pair of young women, one with red hair,
another with black, piloting a spaceship.
And, worst of all, the bridge of a gigantic space fortress coming
towards Earth on a meteor...
It would, of course, take time for these persons to reach the real
world. Combined with the skills of those he had already sent over, plus
the aid of the American...
The Man in the Black Cloak entered the blue glow, he didn't have a
moment to lose.
"So, here there is no Factory, no Hunter-Warriors, and no need for me
to kill criminals, correct?" Gally asked, finishing her orange juice.
"Exactly," said Akane. "But there is one more thing, right Aaron?"
Akane jabbed an elbow into Aaron's side.
"Right." Aaron reached into his coat and passed over the "Battle Angel
Alita" manga he'd been carrying.
"I don't know how to tell you this, Gally, but-" Gally scanned the
pages with interest.
"-here, you don't actually exist," Aaron finished, waiting for the
outburst. But no outburst was forthcoming.
"Gally?" The girl was hanging her head.
"No wonder there aren't any other cyborgs here," she said quietly.
Ukyou moved to comfort her.
"No," said Gally. "Thank you, but I'll be fine."
"We shouldn't have a problem as long as you keep most of your body
covered," Aaron said. "I'll just have to stretch my paycheck a littl-
-shit!"
"What?" Ranma asked.
"I'm late for work! Just a second." Aaron ran off to the back of the
diner, leaving the fictional entities to look at each other in confusion.
* * * * *
Mallory bounded up the steps to the precinct. Finally, he'd finally be
able to nail that little punk Miller and all his crazy Asian friends.
"Mallory!" came the voice from the Captain's office.
"Not now, Captain! I've got a lead on that head sent here this
morning!"
"Never mind that! It was a gang hit, get in here!"
Mallory stopped cold. A GANG HIT?! He'd seen Miller and those crazy
Japanese kids talking to the girl who brought the head in this morning at
the Washington Monument, and the Captain was calling it a GANG HIT?!
Mallory stalked over to the Captain's office.
"What is it, sir?" he said bitterly.
"We have a new problem," said the Captain. "According to this guy, a
big international criminal is in town."
Mallory gave the newcomer the once over. A tall Japanese man with a
cleft chin and long sideburns. He was dressed in a shabby brown suit with
a red tie. The ensemble was completed with a matching brown trenchcoat and
fedora. He stood up and offered his hand.
"Zenigata, International Criminal Police Organization."
Aaron came back to the table, with a roll of money.
"Can I trust you guys to go sightseeing in the nation's capital for a
few hours without getting mixed up with Mallory or any other members of
the DCPD?"
The five at the table voiced affirmatively. Aaron sighed.
"Good. Here's a hundred bucks each, have yourselves a good time, show
Gally around. Don't get lost." This last remark was pointed at Ryoga, to
which the other three "Ranma 1/2" characters laughed. Ryoga fumed.
"I'm gonna tie your spleen in a knot..." he muttered.
"I'll be back at the house around three. Enjoy D.C., and *please* try
not to call attention to yourselves."
"No problem," said Ranma.
"Good, have fun." Aaron paid the bill, and exited the diner, letting
the five anime characters make their plans.
Outside, Aaron tried to get a cab.
<Some Spring Break this is turning out to be,> he thought, <Two days
in and I'm trying to keep five fictional characters out of Mallory's
hands. *sigh* Bugs Bunny was right when he said "I shoulda stood in--"
A car came zooming by at approximately 80 MPH, nearly taking Aaron's
arm with it.
"Sorry!" the driver yelled back in a slightly manic voice. Aaron
stared at the rapidly receeding driver of the convertible.
<Thin build, slightly manic voice, green sportcoat, long sideburns,
vaguely simian in appearance--oh no, not him! Please, God, not HIM!>
If the six police cars following the convertible at high speed weren't
enough to seal his doubts, the sight of Mallory driving one car and the
Japanese man leaning out the passenger side, holding on to his hat with
one hand and yelling "Hold it, Lupin, you're under arrest! Pull over right
now!" through a megaphone in his other hand, did.
"Taxi!" Aaron yelled. He leaped into the cab that pulled up.
"This going to sound really stupid," he said, "But follow those cars!"
* * * * *
Lupin III leaned back in the driver's seat. Ah, on his way to a heist,
Fujiko Mine by his side, Zenigata and the D.C. police in pursuit, and all
before noon! This was turning out to be a great day.
"Lupin," said Fujiko, the attractive brunette with the huge- er-
personality in the passenger seat.
"Yes, Fujiko, my love?"
"Aren't you a little bit confused as to how we were in London not two
hours ago and how we're now zooming through the streets of Washington
D.C.?"
"Not really," said Lupin, "It just means we can move up the
Smithsonian heist now."
"Really?" Fujiko said, her voice becoming husky. Her arm slid across
the space between them, her fingers playing with the lapel of his green
sportsjacket.
"You mean you'll get the Hope Diamond for me after all?" she said
sweetly.
"If I'm properly motivated. Heh-heh." Lupin replied, lecherously.
"Oh, I'm sure I'll find ways for you to get me that diamond," Fujiko
said, her other hand playing with the taser in her handbag...
* * * * *
The Man in the Black Cloak looked at the man sitting across from him.
"You can take on this many targets, correct?" he asked.
"Yes," said the man.
"I've deposited three million dollars in your account. I trust that
will be sufficient."
"It will."
"More will be delivered once the job is finished. You can find them in
Washington D.C. I trust you will be successful. There's really no one else
that can deal with these dangerous people, especially the American."
"I'll take the job."
The Man in the Black Cloak watched the tall Asian gentleman depart.
When he was out of sight, he let his mind pull the strings of Reality
that sent the gentleman to the real world, without his knowing, of course.
"Ah, Mr. Miller, if you know anything about anime, you should know
that Golgo 13 *always* gets his man--or persons as the case may be."
The Man in the Black Cloak began to laugh.
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Next time on "The Great Anime Crossover From Hell!!!"
Ranma: Aaron's really in trouble! He's been arrested after foiling
Lupin's heist! Needless to say, Mallory's delighted. But not only that,
some kind of spaceship has landed at the Washington Monument. Who are
these strange crewmembers?
(Insert shot of Rick Hunter, Lisa Hayes, Captain Gloval, Roy F**ker,
and Minmei)
And, even more importantly, who are these loons?
(Insert shots of Devil Hunter Yohko and her apprentice Azusa, and
the Sailor Moon characters)
Ranma: Next time on "The Great Anime Crossover From Hell!!!": "Hey!
The Dead Have Rights Too, Ya Know!"
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Brought to you by the letters D and Q and by
Erin Mills
Mill0622@badger.snow.edu
All DETAILED flames, comments, questions, incoherent ramblings and
generous bribes accepted.