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ROBOTECH !!: Screwloose
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A one-shot deal. Well, OK. Two shots, but only one of them counts.
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brought to you by the
Anything-Goes School of Indiscriminate Fanfic Writing
written by Christopher Willmore
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All characters are copyright someone else.
Preliminary notes:
a) Not a single Ranma char appears in this whole story. None. Nessuno.
Ninguno. Zip. Zilch. Got it?
b) This has NOTHING to do with my Ranma 2096 series. If you think
I'll tie it in, go hang yourself. At the rate at which I'm bringing
people back to life, chances are that you'll be resurrected in 2097.
c) Due to the Exxon bill, I'm afraid I'll have to tone down the
language.
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Space itself is infinite. That's REALLY, REALLY, big. However, most
things IN space are much smaller. And not just one size of smaller; MANY
sizes. All sorts. Great variety. The range of sizes in the objects to be
found in just one, tiny region of space is amazing. Take, for instance,
that area just a few thousand kilometres from Pluto. You know the one.
Cold, dark, dreadfully difficult to find a decent hamburger if you're
hungry... Usually, it was empty, but today... Today was different, and it
was filled with curious shapes of all dimensions. First, there were the
pretty little blue, white and green dust particles floating around. Then
there were the larger blue, white and green chunks that those particles
had been made out of. Above that came the even bigger, heavily armed,
green and blue & white structures that had blasted the chunks into dust
particle in the first place. And finally, there were two huge, bulky,
substantialities. One was green, and somewhat cigar-shaped. One was
blue & white, and no one could really say what shape it was in one word.
Inside the green cigar-shaped substantiality, a rather large blue-
skinned entity shook his ponderous head in dissatisfaction. He was quite
upset that though there had been a lot more green structures than blue &
white ones to start with, these were now mostly green chunks and dust
particles, which far outnumbered the blue & white ones. He turned to his
lackey, a purplish-skinned, green-haired fellow about half as tall as he
was.
"Lackey," he said. "I am getting very tired of this. Let us end it
NOW. Ready the main cannon!"
"But... But... Commander Breetai!" the lackey stammered. "Our
objective is to RECAPTURE the SDF-1, not DESTROY it!"
Breetai looked at his attendant, his organic eye as cold and evil-
looking as the cybernetic one.
"Let me put it another way. If we destroy the SDF-1, we will no longer
have to listen to that inane 'singing' of theirs."
The lackey looked at Breetai for a second or two.
"Ready the main cannon!" he ordered.
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MANDATORY QUOTES:
"Roy was dead, to begin with. There was no doubt whatever about
THAT..." -What the Dickens?!?
"#17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo." - From the 'Laws of Anime'
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On the bridge of the SDF-1, Commander Lisa Hayes was trying not to
yawn as she listened to Minmei try to explain to Captain Gloval exactly
why she needed to be subsidised by the Macross government. Unfortunately,
or rather fortunately, in her case, the captain seemed to be paying more
attention to her physique than to her words.
"Well, *giggle* the government pays for all the weapons, right? And my
song helped destroy the Zentraedi?"
Captain Gloval nodded. Commander Hayes nodded off.
"And anything that helps destroy the Zentraedi is a weapon. Right?"
Nod. Yawn.
"Well, then! My songs are included in the set containing all Macross
weapons, and since the Macross government pays for all members of that
set, it should pay for me, and so I should be subsidised!"
Lisa shook her head. She *knew* it had been a mistake to make her take
that course in set theory...
"You're SO right," she said. "Just think of all the costs we could
save in the judicial system, thanks to you!"
"Nani?"
"All we have to do is threaten to attack someone with your 'weapons',
and they will be sure to do anything we say!"
Minmei nodded enthusiastically.
"Oh, you understand! I'm so happy, Commander! Arigato!"
Lisa sighed. How could ANYONE be so thick? She took that back. Rick
Hunter was... Rick Hunter. She smiled to herself. Of course! He'd gotten
quite friendly with her lately, and it was common knowledge that Minmei
was hot on him... Well, Minmei was hot on every eligible (or non-eligible)
Macross male (or female), but especially on Pilot Hunter. This was the
perfect opportunity to get back at her.
"Pilot Hunter," she said over the intercom. "Report to the bridge."
"Huh?" both the Captain and the singer verbalised.
"Oh, just some technical details concerning the Veritech that I have
to go over. Don't mind me..."
At that moment, the doors to the bridge hissed open, and Rick Hunter
walked in, uniformed and carrying his helmet under his arm. He saluted to
Commander Hayes.
"Pilot Rick Hunter reporting for duty, Sir, Ma'am.. Er..." He tried to
take his eyes off her chest inconspicuously, without much success. Lisa
smiled. This was EXACTLY what she wanted.
"Not Sir or Ma'am, Rick. Just Lisa. Or honey-bunny, if you like..." A
wink from Hayes, a blush from Hunter, a glare from Minmei and a nosebleed
from Gloval later, a red light blinked on and off on the main console.
"Darn!" cursed Hayes.
"Darn it to Tarnation!" cursed Gloval.
"Uh... What's wrong?" asked Rick.
"The Zentraedi are charging up their main cannon," explained his
would-be paramour. The intelligent one.
"Is that bad?"
"Considering that a single blast could destroy the SDF-1, yes."
"How much time do we have?"
"About ten minutes."
"What can we do?"
"Not much, without the rest of the bridge crew." Rick Hunter looked
around and noticed for the first time that there were only four people on
the bridge, himself included.
"Um... This may sound dumb, but... Shouldn't the other officers be
here, helping to FLY this thing?"
"They would be, except..."
"Except?"
"Except that they were all here when Minmei sang her song, and now
they're being treated for severe mental illness at the Macross Psychiatric
clinic. In a few decades, they *might* recover."
"Oh. That bad?"
"Yes."
"There is ONE thing we can do," said the Captain.
"What is that?" asked Hayes.
"Normally, it would take the combined effort of all the officers to
pull this off, but I had a macro installed since the last time..." Gloval
reached for a button on his chair's side.
"Captain? If that's the transformation, I wouldn't..."
"We will transform, and blast those suckers into bits!"
"Captain Gloval," repeated Hayes, "That isn't a good idea... There's
still a few-"
Too late. Having been hypnotised by Minmei's presence, the head of the
SDF-1 was not paying attention to her warnings, and pressed the button.
The ship began to shake and vibrate as doors closed and areas rotated in
preparation for the morph. Suddenly, one of the SDF's side-ships flew by
the main viewer.
"-screws loose."
"COMMANDER HAYES! WHAT WAS _THAT_?!?!?"
"Well, Captain, most of the mechanics also listened to the song,
and..."
"WELL?!?" More assorted bits of the SDF careened by.
"They... Forgot to tighten the screws. We're falling apart."
"Is there any way to put us back together?"
"No."
A bluish glow suffused the entire region of space in which they found
themselves, right before the SDF-1's bridge detached itself from the rest
of the flying fortress.
"Oh, F**K!" shouted Hunter.
From behind him, a familiar voice.
"You called?"
Rick turned to see who had spoken, and his jaw dropped. It was Roy
F**ker, his late unit commander. Late, as in dead. Stiff. Blown up.
Kaboom. Gone.
"Roy! I thought you were DEAD!" The others stared.
"Well, I was..." the dead man rubbed the back of his head. "In fact,
I was off in heaven just a few minutes ago, just about to score with this
'Purpleton' angel I'd had my sights on for a while, when I suddenly
appeared here... You mean you guys are still alive?"
Lisa checked her monitor, then said cheerfully. "For another five
minutes!"
The late captain beamed.
"Oh, great! I can't WAIT to show you guys around the nether-world...
Rick, you wouldn't BELIEVE the..."
"Roy, we don't *WANT* to die."
"Come on! It's not that bad! Rather pleasant, actually, once you get
over the pain of being vaporised into your constituent atoms..."
"Did I say five MINUTES?" asked Lisa. "I meant, five SECONDS."
Captain Gloval paled. Rick turned green. Minmei just giggled.
"Uh-oh," said Rick.
"I'm beginning to think that transform was a bad thing..." admitted
Gloval.
A huge yellow beam of energy flew from an opening in the Zentraedi
mother-ship, destroying most of the SDF-1 fragments and assorted
Veritechs,
but miraculously missing the now-independent bridge.
"They missed!" cried F**ker. "With such a huge energy beam, how the
f**k could they f**king miss?!?" He waved his arms wildly at the main
viewer. "We're over here!"
Rick looked at him.
"You don't have to be *quite* that enthusiastic..."
"I don't know..." said Minmei. "Might be fun to see heaven. Is Elvis
there?"
"Nope," replied the two-asterisks man. "He's still alive."
"Oh. Well, then, I don't want to die, either." Another red light
blinked to life.
"Doesn't look like you have a choice," said Hayes. "They're preparing
to fire again, and it's pointed straight at us."
"Prepare to jump!" said the Captain. Minmei hopped. "Not THAT kind of
jump, sweetie."
"OH!" The singer giggled.
"Captain?" asked Lisa.
"Yes?"
"The whole reason we're stuck out here, next to Pluto, is that we
*can't* jump. Remember?"
"Oops."
"You mean," said Rick, "that we're STUCK here, while those giants aim
their gun at us?"
"I'm afraid so."
"Oh, Rick! What are we going to do?" Minmei ran over to the pilot and
glomped him. Hayes scowled.
"Um... How long do we have?" Rick did his best to ignore his new
appendage.
"If the last one is anything to go by, four minutes."
"Do we have ANY propulsion?"
"Only the solar sails, and it takes TEN minutes to get THEM hoisted."
"Oh, sheet!" cursed Rick. Another blue glow.
"Oh? You were expecting me?" All eyes turned to look at a small girl
who had suddenly materialised in front of them.
"Who are YOU?" asked Rick. The girl looked confused.
"You just said my name! I'm Sheet. Short for Lusheeta. Heir to the
royal line of Laputa. I'm here to claim my 'Castle in the Sky'."
<This is getting surreal...> though Hunter to himself. <I'm beginning
to be very glad that I said 'sheet' and not 'shoot'...>
"Well, I don't know about a 'Castle in the Sky'", said Lisa, staring
at the still-glompant Minmei, "but you've certainly found 'la puta'..."
"Young lady," explained Gloval, "this is the Super Dimensional
Fortress, and you're in outer space, not the sky."
"Oh."
"Oh, goody!" said F**ker. "There's an energy bulge around the
Zentraedi gun port! They'll be firing any second, now!"
"Firing?" asked Sheet.
"Firing." said F**ker.
"As in, shooting an extremely powerful energy beam capable of
vaporising anything in its path from a ship the size of a small city?"
"Yes."
"Which ship is it?"
All hands pointed at the Zentraedi mother-ship.
"LAPUTA!" Sheet rushed to the window, and tried to grab the ship.
"It's not..."
"They're firing." warned Lisa.
"WHAT?!? NOW?!?" asked nearly everyone in the room.
"Now."
"Oh, you'll LOVE Nina!" Roy said to Rick. "She's quite the..."
He was interrupted by a huge energy discharge headed in their
direction. Sweat beads formed on the foreheads of all the living beings
present, while, in true anime fashion, the beam approached at considerably
less than 3.0x10^8 m/s.
Right before the beam hit, there was a blue glow. Right after the
blue glow, the SDF's bridge was alone.
A collective blink.
"Where'd Laputa go?" Sheet was on the verge of tears.
"Where'd the Zentraedi fleet go?" asked Gloval.
"Where's the f**king BEAM go?!?" asked F**ker.
Indeed, the substantiality, the structures, the chunks, and even the
pretty multicoloured dust particles had all disappeared, leaving the
bridge
utterly alone in deep space.
"They must have... Accidentally jumped..." said Hayes.
"And taken the beam with them? That's SOME jump!"
Minmei hopped again. Captain Gloval stared at her jiggling
chest.
"THAT'S some jump, as well," he admitted.
Silence.
"Er... What do we do NOW?" asked Rick.
"You could always commit mass suicide!" suggested F**ker.
"NO!"
"Come on! I *really* want to show you off! Do it for me, PLEASE???"
The Captain looked around.
"Any other ideas?"
"Well," said Lisa, "we _do_ have the emergency food supply, which
should be good for a few months. Suppose we hoist the solar sails and
make for Earth?"
"Aww, you're no fun..." complained Roy.
"Oooo... A few months of space travel with Rick... I'll be eating MORE
than the emergency rations. *giggle*" If you hadn't guessed, that was
Minmei.
"That... WASN'T Laputa?", asked Sheet.
"Oh, that was La Puta, all right," said Hayes, killing the joke.
"I'm confused," complained the girl.
"Aren't we all..." Rick sighed.
"Very well," said Gloval. "Let's not waste any more time. Hoist
sails!"
"Aye, aye, Captain!" said Hayes. "Solar Sail Activation!"
Huge solar-energy collector panels rose from the sides of the bridge,
transforming it into something that looked remarkably like an ancient
galleon. After a few minutes of gathering photons, generators hummed into
life, and the ship set sail towards Earth...
[Music Cue: Overture to "Der Fliegende Hollander", by Wagner]
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Next - Robotech !!: Voyager!
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This pathetic attempt at a parody has been brought to you by:
Christopher Willmore | 4cw6@qlink.queensu.ca
DETAILED Flames and C&C (detailed or not) are much appreciated.