<In the Command Center>
Nabiki approached the tied up Biles. "So when do I get some? And
no, Shampoo doesn't count."
"Hey, ask the evil ones. They're in charge of this smut. I'm
innocent."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow and waved a tape in front of Biles. "This
tape says otherwise."
"Umm. Tapes can't talk," Biles lamely defended himself by saying.
"Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Nice try, kid. "
Dark Queen Urd sidled over. "Hmm. And what's on this tape?"
"His last private screening with his muses. A very interesting
private scrreening to say the least. Shall I roll a short clip to
demonstrate?"
"Try that and I'll tell them the idea I had for a love scene with
you and Happousai!", Biles said.
Nabiki winced. "Look, all I want is a decent love scene with
someone who isn't disgusting! Is that too much to ask?"
"Hmm. Well, my forces need another shot at finding the right
orgasm crystals..."
Dark Queen Skuld pouted. "Hey, I need to get a chance too! How am
I supposed to get more ice cream with all these stupid sex scenes
getting in the way?"
Dark Queen Belldandy nodded. "Right. We need screen time too!
Skuld, you go now, and I'll go next."
"But I'm gonna get sexually frustrated if I..."
Dark Queen Belldandy rolled her eyes. "Look, you and Nabiki can
make out in the closet while you're waiting."
Dark Queen Urd nodded. "Good idea!" She dragged off a protesting
Nabiki as Bailesu tried not to be ill.
*********************************************************************
Lemon Sherbet Nine
"Insanity Day Four"
*********************************************************************
<Independence Day, Martina McBride>
A bored technician sat watching a boring radar screen in the middle
of another boring night. In fact, it was so boring, he won't even get a
name. To pass the time, he was busily engaging in autoeroticism.
**********************************************************************
<Command Center>
"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!" Dark Queen Skuld shouted. "This is supposed
to set up MY next plot! There will be NO SEX! NO SEX! Do you
understand? Who wrote the autoeroticism into the script?"
General Fabioite stepped away from the word processor and acted
innocent.
"Right! Everyone who has ever had sex, OUT OF THE COMMAND CENTER!"
Suddenly, Dark Queen Skuld was alone, except for Biles. She
blinked. "How am I supposed to accomplish anything if everyone left?"
"Well, I'm tied to a chair. I won't be leaving no matter what you
say. I won't exactly be doing much either. You also just disqualified
most of the staff from coming in here, either..."
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! I guess we do this the hard way.
ACTION!"
************************************************************************
<Independence Day, Martina McBride>
A bored technician sat watching a boring radar screen in the middle
of another boring night. In fact, it was so boring, he won't even get a
name. To pass the time, he was busily engaging in playing Sega games on
the auxillary screen. Sonic was just about to finally beat Dr. Robotnik
when...
"Whoop! Whoop!" announced the radar screen, since otherwise the
technician would not have noticed the important plot furthering event in
progress.
He blinked and went over, wondering when the radar screen learned
to talk. His eyes widened. A huge mass had appeared by the moon, miles
across in size. It was headed for...Earth.
Well, it wouldn't be very relevant if it was headed for Sirius or
something, ne?
**************************************************************************
The JSDF commanders sat around the vidscreen, listening to the
report they were recieving from their American allies. "The mass appears
to be splitting into many smaller objects, spreading out and heading for
major cities all over the earth. "
General Tokugawa said, "Hmm. And the Onis claim no responsibility
for this?"
"We have been unable to contact Oniboshi, Jurai, or any of the
other known alien races. Only time will tell if these aliens are hostile
or friendly."
"They're here to punish us for polluting the Earth!" one of the
JSDF generals began to rant. "We've destroyed our beautiful planet
and..." One of the other generals promptly malleted him. "Sorry about
that. He watched too many sentai shows as a kid."
**************************************************************************
Nuku-Nuku roared down the street in an almost entirely, but not
quite entirely pointless cameo. She cut through a side alley, three
restaurants, and a bazaar on her way to school. As she pulled into the
schoolyard, she heard a loud crash of thunder and looked up. Clouds were
boiling over the city from the east. And behind the clouds, dark
shapes. Huge rectangular shapes like giant chocolate bars. Mmm.
Chocolate. Yummmy chocolate. So tasty and...chocolatey...
***************************************************************************
<command center>
The C3P0 unit doing the typing for Skuld looked up. "You did want
that part, right? Type everything you say into the script?"
Biles said, "If you use up all my film describing how much you like
chocolate..."
"Umm. Right. Oh yeah, the rectangle things. Continue," Skuld said.
*****************************************************************************
Ranma sat by the pond with Akane, snuggling quietly. "I love you,
Ranma."
"I love you too." They kissed quietly. Thunder disturbed them.
They looked up and saw a huge cloud over Tokyo, and in the heart of it
was a huge black rectangle. "Hey, doesn't that thing look like the alien
ships from V?"
A passing otaku said, "Actually, the ships from V were
wedge-shaped." He wandered off and was never seen again. The truth is
out there, and sometimes it wanders by and says hello.
Nabiki stepped out on the porch and said. "Five will get you ten
its another fiancee for Ranma."
Akane glared at Ranma. "ANOTHER ONE?"
"Hey, I ain't got no alien fiancees! I don't want any, either!"
"Yeah, you always say that," Nabiki said.
Ranma sighed. A voice spoke from the roof of the dojo. "Shampoo
not happy with Ranma!"
Ranma got up and said, "I told you, I DON'T HAVE ANY ALIEN FIANCEES!"
Shampoo blinked. "Shampoo not understand what Ranma talking about."
Ranma facefaulted and fell in the pool. Akane also got splashed
and was rather annoyed by it. "Ranma! Don't be so clumsy!"
"Hey, it wasn't my idea to..uh...Right." Ranma-chan shut up,
unable to think of anything that even resembled a defense of her action.
"Shampoo not happy because Shampoo not getting any, while groom
sleeps with everything in sight!"
"Hey, if I was sleeping with everything in sight, I'd have slept
with Nabiki by now! And that tree! And the rocks, and..." Ranma-chan
babbled desperately.
Shampoo lept down to the ground. "Shampoo want to get some from
groom, now!"
Nabiki smirked. "Some what? Flowers? Sandwiches? A Berlitz
course? A functional brain?"
Shampoo snarled at Nabiki. "Go away ugly mercenary girl."
Nabiki shrugged and tossed a glass of tea at Shampoo. Instant
cat. "Go away kitty."
Ranma-chan screamed and took off running. Akane said, "Shall you
call the repair company or shall I?"
**************************************************************************
<In the Command Center>
Skuld pushed a remote control button and the script-writing robot
exploded.
"Umm. Why did you do that?" Biles asked. "Not that I care what
you do to your minions, but repair costs do mount up, ya know."
"That scene wasn't supposed to have any sex!"
"I didn't see anyone having sex."
"They started talking about it!"
"Well, why don't you let me write the next scene? I promise not
to put any sex in it."
Dark Queen Skuld looked at him. "Try anything funny and the
hostages get baked."
"Define funny."
"No having giant chickens eat my invasion fleet."
"Right. Nothing gratitously out of character will happen to your
minions. I promise no sex, either."
"Right. I'll let you try." D.Q. Skuld shoved the word processor
over to Biles and untied his hands. She paused, then yanked it away.
"You almost got me there...you could have just ignored your
promise and written me away!"
Biles sighed. "Had to try."
Dark Queen Skuld thought for a moment. "Ahh! I know! She went
to the intercom. Machinegalite! Get in here!"
A few minutes later, the bathroom door opened and General
Machinegalite stepped out. He was an old man with messy, poofy white
hair, dressed in a lab coat, and wearing thick glasses. "What do I get
to add to my collection this time, Dark Queen Skuld?"
"You get to write the next scene!"
"On antique paper used originally by Gutenberg?"
"No, on a word processor."
"That's no fun!"
"Would you rather be a vapor trail?"
Machinegalite got to work. "As you wish, my queen."
***********************************************************************
Ukyou and Makoto sat on the couch in Makoto's living room. Makoto
frowned and clicked the remote control again. The TV screen blinked, but
the image on it didn't change. In English, an inane voice said,
"Bluebell, the best homemade ice cream in the country!" The screen
displayed a pair of young children happily eating Bluebell ice cream.
The scene flickered out and a Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream commercial came on.
"The same stuff is on every channel! Nothing but Ice Cream
commercials!" Makoto said.
Ukyou nodded. "Well, there's nothing worth watching this time of
day, anyway. Why don't we go...get Ranma for tonight's entertainment?"
Makoto smiled, then leaned over and kissed Ukyou on the cheek.
"Good idea. Maybe we ought to call first and make sure he's home."
Ukyou nodded. Right as she got up to use the phone, there was a
knock on the door. "Want me to get it?"
"Sure. I'll go call Ran-chan." Makoto went to go call Ranma.
Ukyou opened the door. Mrs. Saotome was there. "Ukyou? What are
you doing here?"
Ukyou decided that lying would be the best approach. "Just
visiting Makoto."
"Oh, I didn't know you knew her."
Ukyou smiled. "We're good friends." She headed back into the
living room. Mrs. Saotome came in, closed the door, and followed Ukyou.
"Hey, Makochan! Mrs. Saotome is here!" Ukyou yelled.
Makoto blinked and hung up before anyone answered the phone.
Coming out to the living room, she said, "Hi, Mrs. Saotome!" She quietly
thanked the gods that Mrs. Saotome hadn't shown up before she and Ukyou
had gotten out of bed.
"Call me Auntie, Makoto-chan." Mrs. Saotome said. "Or maybe
you'll be calling me something else soon..."
Makoto blinked. "Hmm?"
"Still, I want to talk to my son before I announce anything." She
smiled. "I need to talk to you as well."
Ukyou blinked, then suddenly realized what Mrs. Saotome must
mean. "You intend to engage Ranma to Makoto, Mrs. Saotome?"
Mrs. Saotome frowned slighty. "I understand you won't be pleased
by this, but I felt it was time that I put my input into this whole
mess. Of course, it would help if my son didn't seem to be hiding from
me. Along with his father."
"I...he...umm..." Ukyou said, unable to think of any good excuses
to make for Ranma.
Makoto was rather more blunt. "If you want to see him, I can
bring him over here. I can't think of any reason why he would be hiding
from you."
Ukyou started making big No No No hand signs at Makoto. It was
too late. "That would be very nice. I so want to see him."
Ukyou sighed. This was gonna get messy...
*********************************************************************
Ranma walked up and knocked on Makoto's door. She answered it,
smiling. "Come in, Ranma! We've got a surprise for you!"
Ranma smiled nervously. "Umm. I need to talk to you and
Ucchan...We..uh..."
Makoto dragged him into the living room. "Your mother is here,
Ranchan!"
Ranma fainted.
**************************************************************************
Ranma woke up on the couch, his mother sitting next to him. She
smiled. "My son. It has been so long."
"Hi, Mom." Ranma said feebly, uncertain of what to say.
Nodoka grabbed him and crushed him in a fervent hug. "I am so proud
of you, my son. Your father seems to have raised you well. Ukyou and
Makoto-chan have had nothing but good things to say about you!"
Ranma laughed nervously. "Uh, that's great...Umm. Have you seen
Pop yet?"
"Not yet. Is he home?"
"Yeah, I think so. He was playing Go with Mr. Tendo when I left."
Did they mention the curse to her? Ranma whispered to Ukyou, "What about
the curse? Did you tell her?"
Ukyou shook her head no. "Good. First I need to talk with you and
Makoto about what I've decided on, then go tell your father and Mr.
Tendo," Mrs. Saotome said.
Ranma blinked. "Decided about what?"
Ukyou blinked nervously. "Umm...should I leave?"
"Hmm. Maybe ...actually, I think I need to talk to my son in
private first."
Makoto said, "Okay. Ucchan and I will go play on my Sega in my
bedroom." She dragged Ukyou out of the room.
Ranma said, "This is about my fiancees...right?"
Nodoka nodded. "Yes. So how many of them have you slept with?"
Ranma blinked, then bigsweated. How did Mom find out about that?
Surely they didn't tell her. They did tell her. Or is she guessing?
What's the right answer? Ranma swirled around the answer in his head,
then concluded he had no idea what she wanted to hear. "Umm...not ALL of
them."
"But more than one?"
Ranma nodded numbly. "Umm. Three?"
"You don't know?" Nodoka blinked.
"Umm. Three. Yes. Err...you want names?"
"It would help." Nodoka sat back, a faint smile on her lips.
Ranma sweated more, uncertain if she was about to smite him or what.
"Umm. Ucchan, Makochan, and Akane..."
"Not Ranko? She seems quite taken with you."
Ranma relaxed a little. Mom doesn't know about the curse. "Trust
me, I'd NEVER have sex with Ranko. Not in a million years. Or Kodachi.
I'd rather avoid having sex with Shampoo...it wouldn't be right...but
under the right circumstances, it could happen. It hasn't, but
I'm..uh...not very good at telling girls no...err..." This wasn't the
right approach. No way. Unfortunately, Ranma still wasn't sure what his
mother wanted to hear.
To his surprise, she smiled. "Good."
Ranma almost fainted again. "Good?"
"I was worried about hurting Ranko's feelings, but that's clearly
not a concern. Who is Kodachi, anyway?"
Ranma breathed a little sigh of relief. "She's rich and insane."
"Sounds like my aunt Noriko...Anyway, so your three fiancees don't
mind that you're sleeping with all three of them?" Nodoka asked this in
a very light and fluffy tone, as if it was all perfectly normal. This
made Ranma REALLY nervous.
"Umm. Two fiancees and Makochan...I said NOT Shampoo." I did say
NOT Shampoo, right?
"Not even Akane?"
Ranma bigsweated. "Err...umm...Well, Ukyou and Makochan...Akane..uh...
Well, Akane does have someone else to sleep with also...err...this isn't
the best...uhh..." More sweat.
"Is it Ryouga?"
"Umm. Yes." Ranma paused. "Umm. Does this mean I have to die?"
Nodoka laughed. "No, of course not. I'm proud you're such a manly
man that you can get into bed with three women and have them like it!"
There was a sound of face faulting from Makoto's room. Ranma fell
off the couch and fainted again.
****************************************************************************
He came to, with his head in Ukyou's lap and his body on Makoto's
lap. Nodoka was saying, "And then you should have him lick your...oh,
you're awake!"
Ranma pretended he hadn't heard anything. "Umm. Am I
hallucinating all of this?"
"Are you okay, Ranma?" Ukyou asked.
"We have good news, Ranma!" Makoto said, smiling. "Your mother
has declared me officially one of your fiancees!"
Ranma blinked. "So I have three now, four if you count Shampoo..."
Makoto hugged Ranma. "She's offered to let all of us come live
with her if your father and Mr. Tendo object."
"I think they're gonna go ballistic. Not to mention I dunno if
Akane is quite ready to...uhm...mumm..." Ranma sweated just thinking
about it.
"I guess we ought to settle that. You could invite Akane and
Ryouga over and we could have one big huge orgy and get to know each
other better," Makoto said.
Ranma contemplated fainting again, then decided against it. This
called for a clever plan....
*************************************************************************
Soun's shriek shook the house to its foundations. "You've done WHAT?"
"Engaged my son to Kino Makoto. Since my husband is not around to
dispute it..." She let her words trail off. Genma must be hiding from
me, she thought. Better to let them think I don't know he's hiding
somewhere near here...
"He...he...you can't be serious!" Soun couldn't believe it. Just
when Akane and Ranma finally were making progress...this...bolt from the
blue.
"Besides, it's entirely possible...as you should know...that Ranma
and Akane might be siblings, anyway." Nodoka smiled. Time to pull out
the ace card.
Soun bigsweated. "You're bluffing..."
Nodoka swept over and sat down on the bed next to Soun. "I
remember those long nights of passion when you and Genma-kun slipped away
from Happousai to spend a little time with your wives. The times we
couldn't all make it to our own houses." She loosened the belt of her
kimono, letting it slide open somewhat in front. "When our passions ran
wild and we all..."
Soun felt something he hadn't felt in years. Arousal. All the
memories of those wild nights were starting to come back to him. Only
the gods knew who had slept with who when and why some of those nights.
He had resigned himself to eternal celibacy when his wife died, but now
he was starting to reconsider...no, I cannot betray Saotome-san! He
stammered incoherently instead.
Nodoka reached up to stroke Soun's cheek. "It's been so long. I
have remained faithful to my husband for ten years, but I can't wait any
longer. I need someone who isn't always gone, always absent. I need
someone like..."
She heard rustling outside the door. Probably my husband. Let's
see what he does. She smiled. "I know you must be lonely too..."
"Yes. No. No. I'm not lonely and I all and I certainly don't
want to rip off your clothing right now and make love with you until I
have a heart attack and die!" That should reassure Saotome-kun, Soun
thought.
The door broke down. It was Saotome-panda. He growfed loudly and
held up a sign, "Don't do it!"
Nodoka blinked. It was just the Panda? "Mr. Panda, we're busy.
Can you come back later?"
Mr. Panda jumped up and down. The sign now said, "How can you do
this to your husband?"
"If he really cared, he'd be here and I wouldn't have to do this."
She sighed overly dramatically. He has to be around here somewhere...
She pulled open her Kimono, almost exposing all of her breasts, remaining
just barely decent. "Take me, Soun...Take me now!"
Soun buried his face in them instinctively. It had been so long.
He started pulling off her kimono. Forgive me, Saotome-san. Your wife
is too much for me. Then Mr. Panda knocked him out with a hurled sign.
Nodoka frowned, turned, grabbed Mr. Panda, and booted him into
orbit. Then it was time to wake up Soun. Soon, her plan was back on
track and she was on her way to her first orgasm that didn't involve
wooden practice swords in ten years.
***********************************************************************
<Command Center>
Dark Queen Skuld frothed. "Machinegalite...I'm VERY dissapointed!"
He blinked. "With what?"
"This script! What happened to our invasion forces?"
"Wait, this is supposed to be about an invasion?" He frowned.
"Why didn't you mention that?"
Biles began to cackle, until Dark Queen Skuld KOed him with her
mallet. "Well, enough of THAT annoyance. You WILL continue our
invasion! You will continue it NOW! No more sex. No more leading up to
sex. I want giant robots and explosions that cost 100000000 yen apiece!"
"As you desire."
*************************************************************************
Dark Queen Skuld's invasion fleet hovered over the earth.
Unfortunately, there were a few bugs in the steering...The ships
collided, setting off an explosion the size of a small supernova. The
wave of seething nuclear energy struck the earth, vaporizing it, and
spreading out in a huge expanding sphere, that soon hurled the moon far
off through space, then struck the sun, causing it to go nova.
The resulting explosion destroyed the solar system, sending planets
flying like ping pong balls in a A-bomb explosion. Soon, only an
expanding cloud of flaming and dissapating gas marked the graveyard of
humanity and its home.
**************************************************************************
<In the command center>
Dark Queen Skuld blinked. "You idiot! You just wiped out all of
humanity, the solar system...and ALL THE ICE CREAM IN THE UNIVERSE!!!!!"
Machinegalite bigsweated. "Uhh...But you said you wanted..."
"Give me what I really want! Not literally what I say!"
"Uhh..."
"Fail me again, and I'll make you clean all my robots with your
tongue!"
Machinegalite gagged and went to work.
**************************************************************************
A passing diety noticed the destruction of the solar system. He
sighed. "Messy mortals...blowing up all our hard work." He wiggled his
fingers, reversed time, found the steering problem and fixed it. "Much
better. Now who do I bill for this..." He wandered off to go check the
divine records.
***************************************************************************
Mikado relaxed by the Prime ministerial swimming pool, part of the
Prime Minister's residence. His residence since being chosen Prime
Minister by his fanclub after their election day victory. A bevy of
beautiful women flocked around him, attending to his every whim. Life
was good.
The phone rang. He picked up his cellular. "Yes, what is it? I'm
rather busy right now." He was up to woman 1,500, and he hoped to make
it at least 3000 by the time he left office.
Nanami sighed. If this job wasn't extra credit and she didn't need
the money, she would have never become one of this maniac's aides. "Sir,
the JSDF commanders want to speak with you."
"The who?" Mikado wondered what the JSDF was and if it had any
cute women in it.
Nanami tried hard not to cry. "Our army, navy, and airforce, such
as it is. They're worried about the aliens."
"The aliens?"
"One of their ships is headed directly for Tokyo."
"See if any of the aliens are cute and get back to me." He hung
up. "Now, let's see how well YOU kiss," he said to the next woman.
Nanami sighed. How did this idiot ever get into office, anyway?
***************************************************************************
Jinnai sat in his office and pushed little figurines around on a
large map he had set up on his desk. "Let's see. After our forces over
run the rest of Korea, then I can trick the Americans into nuking
China...That will eliminate anyone posing a threat to..."
The phone rang. He picked it up. "Hello, this is the minister of
defense. Can I help you?"
"Aliens are about to invade Japan and the Prime Minister is only
concerned if they have any cute women!"
"Alien invasions never work out. Call me if China invades." He
hung up and went back to planning for the next three years.
*****************************************************************************
<In the Command center>
Dark Queen Skuld smiled. "Now this is more like it!"
Biles moaned and woke up. "I had this awful dream where...baah,
it's real!"
"This time, it will all go my way! Just like it did for oneechan
Belldandy last time! THEN I WILL HAVE INFINITE ICE CREAM!
WOOWOWOWOWOW!!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
"Well, I have to say you're getting better at maniacal laughter,"
Biles said.
Akemi poked her head in the door. "Can the rest of us come back yet?"
"No! Not until I have at least 1000000000 gallons of ice cream."
"What if I come in anyway?"
"I'll feed you to the cybermen."
Akemi bigsweated. "I'll just...be on my way."
******************************************************************************
Mizuhara Makoto sighed. Maybe we should have stayed in El Hazard, he
thought. It sure was a lot more fun than High School, even if he had
been stuck in drag all the time. At least I've got a nice girlfriend
now, even if she's been gone a lot lately at her new job...whatever it
is.
He was pretty happy with his own job. He was now working part time
as a cable TV installer and repairman. The pay was good and he enjoyed
playing around with machines. His "talent" with machines hadn't gone
away upon coming home like he thought it would. Probably had something
to do with the permanent portal they'd installed in the basement so they
could visit their friends in El Hazard whenever they wanted. Or maybe
the large glowing rock in the backyard or the boatload of
aliens who had asked him to fix their spaceship...or...well, it was useful,
so he didn't worry about WHY.
"So your tv is picking up nothing but ice cream commercials?" This
was the twentieth house he'd seen with this problem. Must be a satellite
problem. Hmm.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said
the young blonde haired girl with a flower in her hair. "B-ko tried to
fix my TV for me, but now it just gets Ice cream commercials in some
foreign language instead of in Japanese! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"
She cried and pouted.
"Don't worry. We're working on the problem right now..." Makoto
turned to leave. This called for study.
The girl threw herself at him. "Don't go! I can't take it
anymore! These ads are making me SO HUNGRY FOR ICE CREAM!!!!"
"Why don't you eat some?"
"Cause I already ate it all! I need s'more!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"
Makoto ran while his sanity was still mostly intact...
***************************************************************************
Makoto sat down in front of his TV and turned it on. He placed his
hands on the TV and projected his...machine sense into it, trying to
understand what was going on, if there was some kind of pattern to it
all.
He whirled through a phantasmagoria of ice cream ads, from Blue
Bell to Lemon Sherbet. Suddenly, it was all clear to him. The message,
spelled out over and over again...
M. A. R. S. N. E. E. D. S. I. C. E. C. R. E. A. M.
The world had to know the danger it was in. Not to mention, he
could do with picking up a gallon of Rocky Road on his way to talk to
Nanami....
**************************************************************************
Nodoka relaxed, lying in Soun's arms. It wasn't the best sex she'd
ever had. It wasn't even close, but when you're dying of thirst, even
Zima would taste good. Especially if you hadn't drunk anything in ten
years. Now if only my husband would stop hiding from me...
Soun slept, lost in pleasant dreams of his wife and mad nights of
crazed passion with her. Then the dancing wombats came in...
**************************************************************************
Akane and Ranma sat together on Akane's bed, doing homework. They
had no mad passionate sex because the new scriptwriter didn't want to
die. Instead, they just worked on their math homework together. To be
more precise, Akane worked on her homework, while Ranma worried about the
future instead.
"What did you get on problem five?" No answer. "Ranma...you
haven't even done problem four." Silence. "Ranma, stop ignoring me!"
"I...what was that, Ucchan?"
Akane hit Ranma in the head with her mathbook. "I am NOT UCCHAN!"
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking about you and Ucchan and Makochan
and how cute you all are and how I don't know what to do about all this
and about..."
Akane blinked. "I...you think I'm cute? As cute as
them...really?" Her face lit up, then she looked wary. "You're not
trying to butter me up, are you?"
"Have I ever tried to butter you up?"
Akane thought for a second. "No. Good point."
"I dunno what I feel...I mean, how I can chose among you three..I
don'...I...Uh..." Ranma wasn't good at articulating his innermost
thoughts.
Akane sighed. If I wasn't cheating on Ranma, I'd kill him, but
I...I think I understand how he feels. "I understand."
"Maybe we could become Mormons..."
"I don't think they endorse large scale orgies like we want to
have, Ranma." She blushed. "I mean, need to have...uhh..."
Ranma smiled. "We need to do our homework first."
"Baka!" She lightly whapped him on the head. "I'm talking about
the future! I guess we'll just have to work something out..." She hoped
it involved large quantities of MPS, however...
***************************************************************************
<In the Command Center>
Usagi stormed in. "Hey, I haven't gotten very much screen time! I
want a scene!"
Skuld said, "If you ask for sex, I'll have you killed in your next
scene."
Usagi blinked. "You can't kill me! I'm the star! I have contract
protection and hoards of screaming, drooling fanboys!"
"And I have a fusion reactor that needs some human shaped shielding..."
Usagi screamed and fled. Dark Queen Skuld smiled. "I should have
thought of that earlier."
***********************************************************************
Somewhere a bed was shaking as two people ignored the TV and made
out rather intensely. This was until...
"And also in the news, ex-fighter pilot Roy Fokker has been
arrested for dumping leaflets all over town, announcing that "The
Zentradi are back! They're coming to take us away, ha ha! Ha Ha! Ha
Ha! To the Robotech Masters' Homeworld, where life is good!" Mr. Fokker
has been noted locally for his claims of having been kidnapped by giant
aliens, who also supposedly killed him. Neighbors said..."
Hikaru looked up. "Damnit, Dad! How am I ever supposed to get any
if you keep doing things like this?"
Misa sighed. "I guess we have to go bail him out, Rick."
Rick Hunter nodded. "Yeah, you're right, Lisa."
"Since when was he your Dad, anyway?"
"Shh...It's a plot device." Hikaru got out of bed and started
getting dressed.
"Oh, sorry about that, Hikaru," Lisa said to Rick, as she also got
out of bed. "Will we be appearing again?"
"Only in cameos."
*****************************************************************************
A specially outfitted helicopter lifted off from a SDF airfield near
Tokyo. Lacking any better ideas, General Ann Noyance had ordered an
attempt be made to communicate with the aliens. A small mutiny almost took
place when the pilots heard this, since they knew that whomever flew the
mission would die. Fortunately, a Lt. Kengamine volunteered the 801st TTS
"Airbats," so they mutinied instead over who would have to tell the ladies
of the 801st. Finally, they tossed an annoying little ninja named Sasuke
in the helicopter and had him fly it.
The helicopter flew raggedly into the air and finally hovered before
one of the vast ships. Huge floodlights attached to it begin to blink in a
pre-programmed sequence. As if in answer, a giant hatch opened on the side
of the ship.
"Maybe Master Kunou will forgive me for doing this without permission
after all," Sasuke said.
Twenty giant scoops of Vanilla and Prunes ice cream shot out of the
side of the alien ships, sending the helicopter down into the sea.
*****************************************************************************
Mizuhara sighed. Ifurita had to work late again. How am I going
to get into the Prime Minister's residence without her to blast our way
in? Hmm. I suppose I could try using the phone.
He rung up Nanami's office number. I hope she hasn't changed it.
"Hello, Domino's pizza?" was the reply. He sighed. "Never mind."
He hung up.
I shouldn't have told her not to go work for Mikado...most people
don't get to work for the Prime Minister at age 17. But then most Prime
Ministers don't make one of their campaign pledges, "I promise, if
elected, to kiss every cute girl in Japan." I don't trust the guy! He's
a lech and an idiot. Nanami's probably having to run the country herself...
Time to bust out my bicycle. I'm going for a ride...Maybe I ought
to go get Mr. Fujisawa to help me. Yeah. He's a teacher...Plus, if I
have to climb that building again like the last time...Good idea. Makoto
headed for Mr. Fujisawa's place.
****************************************************************************
Alien ships cruised into position over major cities in a hugely
expensive scene that can't be conveyed properly with only the power of
ASCII at my command. So I won't. Just think huge black rectangles with
bumper stickers that read, "I brake for ice cream" moving into place.
See, that wasn't so hard, was it?
*****************************************************************************
<Third Rock from the Sun, Some Country Band Whose Name I Can't Remember>
General Ann Noyance looked at the computer screen in the top secret
military base that is so secret we can't tell you what it is. It showed
the pattern of alien ships. Ships had appeared over the Ben and Jerry's
factory in Vermont, the Microsoft corporate HQ in Seattle, Graceland, a
pocky factory in Yokohama, Japan, Mount Kenya, in duhh...Kenya, five
cities in Switzerland, the Trump Tower, Las Vegas, and Michael Jackson's
house. Oh yes, and one of the ships seemed to be trying to follow Newt
Gingrich around.
"Can you find a pattern in this?" she asked General Cameo.
"I haven't got a clue." He turned to face the readers. "Any of you
have an idea?"
"They can't answer you, you idiot!"
"I wish they'd stop staring at me, then. It's making me
self-conscious."
***************************************************************************
Nanami sighed. The aliens are probably here to conquer the earth
and no one seems to care. And being just the press secretary, there's
nothing I can do about it. She heard a tap tap tapping on the window.
Turning, she saw her friend Makoto Mizuhara's head, shoulders, and arm.
She went over and opened the window, then lifted Makoto in. Mr. Fujisawa
climbed in after him.
"What brings you here?"
"I know what the aliens are after!"
"You do?"
"They're out to steal the world's ice cream supply."
Nanami began to laugh. "That's pretty funny. What do they really
want?"
"I'm not kidding! Mars needs Ice Cream! That's the message
they're using to coordinate their ship movements."
"You're serious?"
"Take me to the prime minister! I have proof!"
"Well, the prime minister is an idiot, but I guess we can try. Are
you SURE about this?"
"You think I have time to waste making up stories like this?"
"Good point."
****************************************************************************
Nanami lead Mizuhara into an office. She then got out a dress.
"Here. Put this on while I go get the prime minister."
Mizuhara bigsweated. "I'm not gonna let the prime minister see me
in a dress!"
"Of course not. Not until I've done up your hair, anyway." Nanami
popped the dress onto Mizuhara and started making him up to look very
pretty and feminine.
"Help me, Mr. Fujisawa!"
"Look, the only way to get him to take this seriously is if I tell
him there's a pretty girl waiting to see him." Nanami finished making
Mizuhara up. "Now stay here."
Mr. Fujisawa nodded. "She's right, Mizuhara. Our prime minister is
the biggest lech in Japan."
Mizuhara sighed and sat down on the desk, trying to not let his
skirt ride up.
Nanami returned with the prime minister a few minutes later.
Mikado said, "So where's this...ooh, not bad. A little flat-chested,
but not too bad."
Mizuhara blushed and prayed he wouldn't have to keep this up for
long. "I've discovered that aliens are coming to steal all the Earth's
ice cream."
Mikado strolled over to the desk. "So you'd like some ice
cream?" He turned to Mr. Fujisawa. "Go get the lady some ice cream."
Mr. Fujisawa said, "I wouldn't know where to find it. Shouldn't
you still be in school?"
Mizuhara sighed. This would take subterfuge. "The mean nasty
aliens stole all my ice cream! They want me to be miserable...Can't
you help me?" He pitched his voice high and tried to look wistful.
Mikado slammed a fist into his other palm. "The bastards!" He
turned to Nanami. "We'll get those aliens for being mean to this fine
young lady. Tell Jinnai to mobilize our forces! This means WAR!!!"
Mr. Fujisawa started to laugh. "Well, I guess you can now say
that your face has launched a thousand ships, eh, Mizuhara?"
Mikado said, "I will stay by your side until this is all over!
You'll be safe with me, fair maiden!"
Mizuhara groaned. Here I go again...
************************************************************************
"AND THEN WE'LL UNLEASH GIANT ROBO!!!!" Jinnai cackled.
The JSDF general frowned. "Sir, we don't have any giant robots."
He blinked. "What? I ordered them built the minute I took office."
"Sir, the constitution limits our forces. They're already as big as
they can get. Not to mention we don't have money to buy Giant Robots.
Even more important, they're not available to be bought."
Jinnai fumed. Mizuhara sighed. This was not going well. I didn't
do this stupid drag routine just so I could watch Japan get stomped flat
from a ringside seat. The conference was turning into a disaster,
although at least the JSDF generals seemed to be more sane than most of
the governmental ministers.
Mr. Fujisawa said, "Well, I may have to go on the wagon at this rate."
Nanami laughed. "You could probably take the entire JSDF if you did
that."
The general frowned. "What are you talking about?"
Mizuhara laughed. "I don't think we've got enough time left for you
to find out..." He became more serious and checked his stopwatch. "Uh
oh..."
"What do you mean uhoh?"
"We've got about thirty minutes before the attack begins." He
paused. "Guess I should have checked my watch sooner...Stupid cross town
traffic held us up."
True and total anarchy immediately broke out.
****************************************************************************
Invisible signals floated through the ether...oh wait, they proved
that the luminferous ether doesn't exist. Well, they floated anyway. It
was time. On alien spaceships across the planet, a little Dark Queen
Skuld popped up out of the dashboards of the ships and said, "It's 6 pm.
Time for a huge number of places to explode!"
The Aliens went to work. Huge tractorbeams stabbed down. Billions
of Ice cream shops exploded, their contents zooming out through the holes
towards the giant alien vessels. The entire Ben and Jerry's factory in
Vermont was wrenched loose from the ground and was sucked into the sky.
Graceland was vaporized by a cleansing beam of pure white light.
Bill Gates' last sight from the Microsoft HQ in Seattle was of an email
from the aliens that they exclusively use OS/2 as their operating
system. Then his Windows 95 crashed and the Microsoft HQ was annhilated
by a massive energy beam. The Apple corporation tried to figure out some
way to send the Aliens a check in thanks.
In Kenya, the aliens began to drain King Solomon's Ice Cream mines.
Las Vegas was vaporized once its ice cream had been extracted. Michael
Jackson leaped into his personal spaceship and flew up to join his alien
brothers. In New York City, Trump Tower was vaporized and the entire
city was destroyed in a huge fireball that cost a lot of money to
duplicate on film. And the world became a better place.
By special request from a Caroline Seawright who had been
broadcasting this request by shortwave radio continuously since the
aliens arrived, Darwin, Australia was also vaporized. Again, the world
became a better place.
Then the alien ships fired and vaporized Newt Gingrich and Adolf
Hitler^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HRush Limbaugh. And the world became an even
BETTER place. Then they stole all the pocky in Japan and the world went
back to hell in a handbasket. Riots broke out in the streets. The great
Pocky catastrophe had begun.
*********************************************************************
Kasumi opened the pantry door and got clobbered as the tons of
ice cream that Wasyuuite had stored there all tried to leave the
pantry simultaneously. Akane blinked. "What the..." She made sure
Kasumi was okay, then rushed to the window where the ice cream was
flying out of. She could see the giant alien ship over the city.
Bad J-pop was blaring from its loudspeakers and ice cream and pocky
was being sucked up from all over the city.
Ranma walked in. "Yo, Akane, are we...hey, what happened to
Kasumi?"
Akane turned to Ranma. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"
"How can you say that?"
Akane paused. "... Uh...okay, that was instinct. We've got to
do something, Ranma! These bastards hurt my sister!"
Ranma nodded. "Time to round up the posse." A cowboy hat
appeared on his head for no apparent reason. "Let's head 'em up and
move 'em out."
*********************************
Phones, email, computers, giant wombat messengers, wrist
communicators and other ways of communicating, both real and imaginary
started going off all over Tokyo. The Aliens wouldn't know what hit
them...okay, they would, but they didn't know YET, eh?
***************************************
Mr. Fujisawa peddled as fast as he could, barelling through
traffic. Having the entire Japanese cabinet, Mizuhara, Nanami,
and a few generals balanced in a huge pile over and around him
wasn't helping matters. Sure, he hadn't had a drink in a few
hours, but that wasn't long enough to get up to full power. The
bike wasn't exactly made to sustain this much weight. "Where the
heck are we going, anyway?"
Jinnai cackled. "My secret Headquarters!"
"We're going to hanger 4, then," Mr. Fujisawa said.
Jinnai blinked. "How did you know about that?"
"Putting a huge sign over a place that says, "Big Secret
Hanger 4, keep out" doesn't exactly hide a secret very well."
*********************************************************************
The Tendo Dojo became the command center for Ranma's attack
squad. He had called in all his favors. His fiancee's sister had
been brutally attacked by strawberry icecream and he wasn't going
to take this lying down. Soon, he had assembled Mousse, Shampoo,
Cologne, his father, Mr. Tendo, Hinako-sensei, Kunou, Kodachi, Dr.
Tofu, Tsubasa, Ukyou, Akane, Nabiki, Ryouga, and Gosunkugi.
Unfortunately, keeping them from beating the hell out of each
other was another story.
Just as the riot was about to start, a voice spoke from the
roof. "Whew. We made it. Sorry we're late...Someone..." She
paused meaningfully. "Couldn't figure out how to fix a flat
tire." Sailor Moon looked meaningfully at Tuxedo Kamen, who
blushed. The Sailor Senshi had arrived.
************************************************************************
The grand out of control bicycle caravan made its grand enterance at
Hanger 4 by crashing through the gates. Mizuhara suddenly realized,
"Hey, isn't four an unlucky number?"
"Oh, NOW someone tells me," Jinnai muttered. "This is ALL YOUR
FAULT, MIZUHARA, FOR NOT TELLING ME THIS EARLIER!"
"This place is a secret base? How was I supposed to know about it?"
"Mr. Fujisawa knew!"
"Do I look like..." Mizuhara was cut off by the experience of a
mob of security men overwhelming the group and hauling them off.
Jinnai yelled, "STOP!"
One of the guards paused. "Hey, you look like our boss."
"I am your boss!"
"Oops. Okay, everyone inside!"
The mob was ushered into the Hyper secret base, and down a long
walkway decorated in early Quasi-Futuristic. Soon, the doors opened to
the secret laboratories. Jinnai said, "This is where we keep all the
artifacts from the alien invasions that seem to happen about every two
weeks or so, here in Japan. Be very careful. This is a clean room. We
can't afford to have any dust or out of control particles." They passed a
row of jars of alien fetuses, a pair of oni horns, a giant vampire space
wombat of fear and flame (stuffed), a scale model of the Spelljammer,
and a complete set of Star Wars action figures.
Finally, they got to meet the head scientist. He was dressed in a
lab coat, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and his hair down
over his eyes. He had his hands stuck in his pockets.
"Kysaku-san, WHY ARE YOU SMOKING IN THE CLEAN ROOM AGAIN?" Jinnai
shouted.
"With the amount of alien drool we have here, I don't see how anyone
could call this a clean room." He flicked off some ash onto a nearby
alien brain.
Jinnai sighed. "Well, despite his bad habits, Kyusaku has been
studying the various aliens we've collected over the years. I'm hoping
he has some insights on who these invaders might be and how we can find
them."
Kyusaku blushed. "Umm. We might have a minor problem there..."
"What?"
"I spent the budget on building myself a robot daughter with the
brain of a cat. She's really helpful and takes good care of my son,
though!"
It took the entire JSDF General command to pry Jinnai's hands off of
Kyusaku's throat.
****************************************************************************
The rioting continued in the streets of Tokyo. The aliens ignored
it and kept up the massive ice cream and pocky theft.
Sailor Mercury said, "I've located a flaw in the alien shields with
my computer."
"But how do we get up there?" Ranma asked.
Sailor Moon smiled. "We'll do a big Sailor Teleport and take
everyone! Then we can trash the ship and eat ALL THE ICE CREAM!"
They got together in a big circle, holding hands. Tsubasa started
to sing, "We are the world" so they whapped him. Sailor Mars said, "You
really think we can take this many people?"
Sailor Mercury did more calculations and played a quick game of
Tetris to relieve her stress while she was at it. She smiled at Ryouga,
who looked confused as to why one of the Sailor Senshi was smiling at
him, then said, "Their combined Ki is enough to run a Sailor V fighting
game continuously for 100 years, so we should be okay."
"Right."
They all held hands and concentrated. Soon, they all began to
glow. Faint background music started playing and all the Senshi shouted,
"Sailor Teleport!" A set of really cheesy stock footage followed as the
group teleported right onto the bridge of the Alien vessel.
The aliens, who looked like the cast of a show designed by Gary
Larson and H.R. Giger working together, sprung to their feet.
"Intruders!" One of the aliens shouted in Japanese, because he had been
dubbed for the convenience of the audience.
Sailor Moon started striking poses. "Stealing the world's ice
cream and making us watch endless commercials isn't very nice! Ice cream
should bring love and taste yummy, not provoke interstellar war! I am
Sailor Moon! AND I WILL PUNISH YOU IN THE NAME OF THE MOON!"
One of the aliens said, "Could you try that more slowly? Our
translators aren't very good and..."
Ranma said, "We're here to kick your butt."
"Okay, that I understand."
The buttkicking soon commenced.
***********************************************************************
Kysaku started showing them around the base once he could breathe
again. "We've got dozens of fairly functional alien ships of all shapes
and sizes." He lead the group past a Cylon warship to a ship that looked
like a miniature giant Hershey's bar, right down to the Hershey's logo.
"We think this one belongs to these ice cream thieves."
Mizuhara walked over to it and touched it. It suddenly came to life
and began to levitate.
Kysaku stared. "This has...potential."
Jinnai cackled. "We can launch a counterattack with their own ship!"
Kysaku said, "Actually, I was hoping she could get the alien soda
machine we found to work...no one from the coca-cola company has a high
enough security clearance to come refill the one in our lounge, so it's
been empty for a year now, but the alien one seems to still be full."
Everyone facefaulted.
***************************************************************************
Aliens scattered everywhere through the ship over Tokyo. In about
two minutes, the aliens in the bridge had been defeated. Sailor Mercury
said. "Okay. I'm going to link my computer into theirs and see if I can
figure out what's going on."
Sailor Moon nodded. "We'll split up and explore the ship so we can
be picked off one by one."
Ranma blinked. "Is that a good idea?"
Sailor Jupiter sidled over to Ranma and whispered, "Otherwise, your
friends will start beating each other up."
Ranma nodded. "You have a point."
They soon divided into teams, leaving behind Ranma, Jupiter, and
Akane to defend Sailor Mercury as she worked. Akane turned to Jupiter.
"How did Ranma get ahold of you people, anyway?"
Jupiter smiled. "I'm his sister."
Ranma coughed. Akane blinked. "Sister?"
Jupiter laughed. "Okay, maybe not. I met Ranma a while back when
he got attacked by a monster. He knows the secret Senshi hotline number
now." She laughed. "Real life Senshi talk to you..."
Ranma and Akane both laughed.
Meanwhile, Sailor Mercury fought hard not to lose her temper.
Great, the Aliens would use System Seven for their operating system! My
computer isn't compatible with theirs! I'm going to have to try and use
the manual controls. Mercury examined the controls and wished they had
taught Alien Gobbledygook at her school. After some thought, she decided
to play another game of Tetris on her computer so it would look like she
was actually accomplishing something.
***************************************************************************
Mousse, Cologne, Shampoo, and Sailor Mars tromped down one of the
hallways. "What exactly are we looking for?" Sailor Mars asked.
"Trouble," Cologne replied.
Mousse turned and shouted, "Warning, Shampoo! DANGER APPROACHING!"
Mars blinked, since he was staring at her. "What?"
They all turned and looked as a droid with a broom came down the
hallway, sweeping the floor. Mars rolled her eyes. "Oooh, I'm scared."
Shampoo laughed and sprung forward at the droid. It casually
swatted her aside with the broom, swept her into its dustpan and dumped
her out an airlock.
Shampoo rapidly underwent explosive decompression.
**************************************************************************
<In the Command Center>
Biles turned to Dark Queen Skuld. "You do realize what happens now,
right?"
She leapt up and down cheering. "I have a victory celebration! I
finally got rid of one of my enemies!"
Biles sat back, holding up a sign that said, "This is All Skuld's Idea."
Shampoo charged in, frothing at the mouth. "DEATH!"
Skuld blinked. "You died..."
Biles laughed. "She was only...ACTING!"
Shampoo leaped high into the air and came down like that special
move from the old Rastan game, with her bonbori pointing straight down
and all her weight on top of them. She piledrove Dark Queen Skuld into
the floor, then started to use her as a punching bag.
Biles cheered, rooting for Shampoo for the first time in his life.
Unfortunately, the commotion attracted attention. Dark Queen Urd
and Dark Queen Belldandy appeared. "I'm afraid we can't allow you to
continue, Shampoo." Dark Queen Belldandy said. "We're going to have to
punish you."
Usagi poked her head in. "In the name of the moon?"
They booted her into the next scene.
*************************************************************************
<Insert Stock Footage of groups of Sailors and Ranma characters
blowing up aliens and making a BIG mess>
*************************************************************************
Mikado turned to Jinnai. "Can you explain the plan again to me
for the benefit of the audience?"
Jinnai nodded. They were all in the command center of the base,
sipping Alpha Centaurian Cola. Mizuhara had indeed gotten the Alien Soda
Machine to work. Alpha Centaurian Cola tasted more like Dr. Pepper than
Dr. Pepper. Even more than Diet Dr. Pepper. "Okay. We know the alien
ships are communicating via our satellites with each other. So the
first thing we do is flood the satellites with Mork and Mindy reruns.
This should destroy the brains of any aliens foolish enough to watch
them, and disrupt their communications. While they are confused,
Mizuhara and ...uh, we need a pilot for this thing."
Mr. Fujisawa shrugged. "I'll go. Got to take care of my
students."
"Can you fly this alien craft?"
"I learn fast."
Kyasaku said, "I have a suggestion. We can send my
daughter. She has experience with space travel and since a large
part of her brain is computerized, we can easily load the
instructions on how to fly it. Also, she doesn't need air and can
operate comfortably in a vaccum."
Mizuhara paled. "But I DON'T operate comfortably in a
vaccum!"
"Well, just in case something goes wrong."
"Anyway," Jinnai continued. "They fly up to the alien
ship, dock, then Mizuhara does the machine control trick and sets
up the alien ship to command all the other alien ships to
self-destruct, just like in the Star Trek Episode with the Borg.
Then they flee and the whole alien fleet explodes."
"That's GENOCIDE!" Nanami said.
Jinnai cackled maniacally. "Isn't it SO COOL?"
Mizuhara leaned over to Nanami and whispered, "I'm just
going to lock their systems to head for the Galactic Core and send
them away for a REALLY long time. Don't tell Jinnai that...I've
never seen him this happy without anyone having gotten hurt yet."
*********************************************************************
Ranma, Akane, and Sailor Jupiter were starting to get majorly
bored. Mercury had been busy for over an hour now, while all they had
to do was to spin the command chairs around and around and around to
see who would get ill and throw up first. Ranma and Akane had already
run through all their usual excuses to fight and gotten bored of it.
Right now, they were half-zoned out, listening to Sailor Jupiter tell
them about the time she and the Sailors fought Droido Potato Pancake.
"And then Sailor Moon simply ate him. Oooh, did that make Catsy
mad! So she got out her..."
Her ever so exciting story was interupted by a sudden burst of
music from Ami's computer. Unknown to the others, Mercury had FINALLY
beaten Colonization at the highest level. She smiled with satisfaction
and closed her computer.
"Hey, Mercury, that mean you finally figured out how to run this
thing?" Jupiter asked.
Mercury got up and said. "Yes, of course." I can't let them
know I've been playing computer games for the last hour because I have
NO clue how to run this stupid ship. She sat down in the command
chair. "Computer!"
A voice spoke. "Yes, Captain?"
Mercury smiled. I wish I'd figured this out before.
Ranma yelled. "ACCELERATE TO LUDICROUS SPEED!"
Akane said, "Hey!"
The computer said. "You didn't say Simon Says."
Mercury smiled. "Right. Simon says, Bring up a display of the
ship on the command screen."
The computer did so. "Simon says show the location of all crew
members."
The computer did so. "Simon says isolate the entire crew of the
vessel, except for the Earthlings, with forcefields."
The computer did so. "Simon says beam us four Dr. Peppers from the
Commisary so we can celebrate." Four Dr. Peppers appeared. Everyone
grabbed one. "Well, that was easy."
"Aren't you going to tell the others that we've won?"
At this point, the command center doors opened and fifty security
robots flooded in. "Intruder Alert! Intruder Alert!" They opened fire,
hosing down the command center with laser fire. Several control boards
started to spark. Ami had to leap out of teh command chair to avoid
getting vaporized. "Hey, why didn't you isolate these robots?"
"Robots are not defined as crew, Captain."
"Well, isolate them!"
"You didn't say Simon says."
"Simon says," Mercury got swatted by a robot and passed out.
Meanwhile, Ranma was smashing robots right and left, but more and more
flooded into the room. He and Akane were fighting back to back, while
Jupiter electrocuted the robots by the dozens, but they just kept
coming. Pretty soon, things were looking pretty desperate.
Jupiter said, "I'm sorry I got you guys into this...this is looking
pretty bad."
"No, I'm the one who got YOU into this. This was our revenge, not
yours." Ranma said. He fired a Ki-blast and vaporized some of the bots,
but they seemed endless in numbers.
Akane said, "Well, I think we've killed enough robots to avenge my
sister...She'll probably say oh my when she learns we're dead..." Akane
sighed and knocked the head off another robot.
Jupiter looked down at the clobbered Mercury. Her transformation
pen lay nearby her. Apparently, she had dropped it when she got knocked
out. A desperate idea came to mind. She looked over at Akane. They
look so much alike. Could Akane use her transformation pen to...no
way...But it can't hurt to try. She blasted some more robots, dove and
grabbed the transformation pen, throwing it to Akane. "Shout the first
thing that comes to mind, Akane!"
Akane caught the pen, and Jupiter saw a symbol flash upon her
forehead. Jupiter blinked. It's going to work...
Akane raised the pen high and shouted, "HAMMERSPACE STAR POWER,
MAKE UP!" She rose into the air and the whole universe turned gray with
multicolored streaks and everything else ceased to exist. She spun
around as her clothing ripped apart into yellow strips and reformed into
a yellow fuku with a red belt. A tiara appeared on her forehead with a
yellow gem set in it. A gleaming golden mallet appeared before her and
she grasped it. She struck a pose. "I am Sailor Hammerspace! ROBOTS NO
BAKA!" She started smashing robots to itty bitty bits twice as fast as
before.
Ranma stared. "What the..."
Jupiter smiled and whipped out her transformation pen, tossing it
to Ranma. "Your turn, baby."
Ranma stared nervously at the pen. "This thing isn't going to turn
me into a girl, is it?"
"I haven't got time to get you a bucket! DO IT!" She shouted.
Ranma raised the pen and shouted, "Callisto STAR POWER, MAKE UP!" He
rose into the air and the whole universe turned gray with multicolored
streaks and everything else ceased to exist. He spun around as his
clothing ripped apart into red strips. A bucket appeared over his head
and water rained down on him, transforming him into a female. The red
strips swarmed down onto her, forming into a tuxdeo top and tights,
similar to the kind of outfit sometimes worn in chorus lines or by
magician's assistants, or by Zatanna, if you know who she is. A tiara
appeared on her forehead with a gem that looked like a yen-yang sign set in
it. Tuxedo Callisto struck a pose and said, "YEESH, I LOOK
RIDICULOUS!" The robots paused and realized that didn't do anything bad
to them. Words came into Callisto's head. She smiled. "ROARING LION
BULLET SQUARED!!!!" A MASSIVE gout of energy erupted from her outthrust
hands and vaporized half the robots. "Now this, I could get to like."
Soon, the trio had destroyed all the robots. Jupiter came over
to the others. "Welcome to the club."
Sailor Hammerspace said, "Wow! I've never been able to fight
this well in my life!"
"You were almost as good as me," Tuxedo Callisto said.
Sailor Hammerspace frowned. "Hey!"
Jupiter said, "No fighting now! We've got to work together!
You're part of the Sailor Senshi now!"
Sailor Hammerspace nodded. "So who are you?"
Jupiter blinked. "Oh, you mean in my civilian identity?"
She nodded. "Anyone I know?"
Jupiter smiled. "Promise you won't get mad."
Hammerspace blinked. "Umm. Okay."
"Kino Makoto at your service."
"..."
"Now you really know how Ranma was able to get ahold of the Sailor
Senshi."
Hammerspace turned to Callisto. "You KNEW? AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?"
"Hey, it's supposed to be a secret!"
"If Ukyou turns out to be one of the Sailors, I'll..."
"Hey, great idea, Akane-chan!" Jupiter said.
Sailor Hammerspace facefaulted.
Mercury sat up and blinked. "Oohhh, my head."
Hammerspace handed Mercury her transformation pen. "Sorry I didn't
ask."
Mercury blinked. "Akane?"
Hammerspace nodded. "Yeah...wait...are you Ami?"
They stared at each other for a moment, and Mercury nodded. "Yes, I
am." She felt as if other thoughts were invading her mind. For a
moment, she had an intense urge to grab Ranma, drag him off somewhere and
make love to him until she passed out. She shook her head a few times,
trying to clear it, and finally gave up and simply tried to shift her
mental lust to Ryouga, who at least wasn't taken. Well, not as taken as
Ranma. She murmered, "Ryouga-kun..."
Hammerspace shook her head as well, the gesture identical to
Mercury's. She felt the incredible urge to go find Ryouga and have mad
passionate sex with him, using a few new techniques she'd found on a web
page the other day. This urge didn't fade easily because it fit in so
well with urges towards Ryouga she already had. She murmered, "Ryouga-kun."
As if on cue, Ryouga wandered into the room. Sailor Hammerspace
and Sailor Mercury looked at each other and smiled. Mercury sat in the
command chair. "Computer, Simon says Isolate this room with a forcefield
and beam up two beds from storage."
Ryouga blinked. "Hey, where did Akane go?"
Jupiter laughed. "I like how you think, Mercury!"
You can imagine what happened next, but Dark Queen Skuld doesn't
want any more sex, so we can't show you.
**************************************************************************
Meanwhile, Nodoka and Soun were STILL having Mad Passionate Sex,
just in case you were wondering.
**************************************************************************
Mizuhara finally took off the girl disguise once the space ship got
out of Mikado's sight. He breathed a sigh of relief and got out another
Alpha Centaurian Cola. "You want one?"
"Thanks!" Nuku-nuku said, taking it. "This is fun! So do you
dress up as a girl often?"
"No! Only when I have to to trick stupid people."
"Ohh. Who were you trying to trick?"
"The Prime Minister. So he'd pay attention to me."
"Oh." She guzzled the cola. "He likes men in drag?"
"No, he likes girls."
"Oh." She smiled. "I like girls! And boys too! Well, some of
them. Want to be friends?"
Mizuhara smiled. "Sure."
****************************************************************************
In the command center of the alien ship, two beds were bouncing up
and down. Dark Queen Skuld won't let us show you what was happening,
except that you can see Ami's foot kicking high and the boot flying off
her foot and striking a control on the dashboard of the ship. A button
gets depressed and a tiny green light flashed. "Jump Drive Engaged. Now
leaving for Alpha Centauri and Points West."
The alien craft quietly jumped out of the Solar System as Ryouga
jumped Ami and Akane and Ami and...
Unseen by anyone, the ship quietly materialized in the same space
occupied by the approaching evil Senshi Galaxia, who quietly became one
with the Jump Drives and ceased to exist. Gotta hate it when that
happens.
****************************************************************************
A very bored Alien Air Traffic Controller sat in his command
center and played Crash Bandicoot on his bootleg Playstation. He thus
didn't notice how one of the ships that had just docked with the Alien
Brothership was flying upside down. Or how one of the crew members got
out and threw up, then placed his hands on the deck, which started to
glow. He did however, begin to get the idea that something was wrong
when his monitor started beeping and flashing the message, "All Ships
will now depart for the Galactic Core. Please fasten your seatbelts."
"No one ever tells me anything." He fastened his seatbelt.
He thus became the only person not to do the Star Trek falling down
when the ship suddenly moves thing as the Brothership and the rest of the
Alien Fleet suddenly jumped a really loooooong way towards the Galactic
core. They then encountered...well, you'll see.
*****************************************************************************
Meanwhile, the rest of the Sailors found their way back to the
command center but couldn't get in. Sailor Moon pounded on the door.
They heard a really loud moan and something about "AMI-CHAN!!!!!"
Sailor Moon blinked. "Hey, that sounds like..."
Sailor Mars frowned. Once again, she wasn't getting any. Even AMI
is getting it more than I am. "Hmph."
Shampoo staggered in, looking rather battered.
Mars blinked. "I thought you exploded in deep vacuum."
Shampoo said, "Shampoo used secret Amazon technique for surviving
in deep vacuum."
Cologne nodded. "When I taught her that, she didn't think she'd
ever use it."
Ukyou blinked. "Why did your ancestors develop a way to survive in
deep vacuum? How'd they even know such a thing existed?"
Cologne smiled. "Ancient Chinese secret."
***************************************************************************
<Command Center>
Dark Queen Skuld frowned. "Hey! My fleet got sent off to get whomped!"
Biles shrugged. "Sometimes stories get out of the control of the
writer." Like this one, he thought.
Dark Queen Skuld sighed. "I'm gonna go let one of my sisters take
over. I'm going to go tinker with some of my robots and try to relax and
think of a new evil plan."
"Sure. Can you have someone send me some food? I'm starting to get
hungry."
Dark Queen Skuld left.
Biles sighed. All alone and tied up in a chair. Can it get any worse?
A hand snaked in the doorway and turned off the lights. "THE
NIGHT! THE BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!"
Biles resolved never to think such thoughts again.
***************************************************************************
Ami and Akane relaxed in the warm afterglow of far more orgasms than
most people are ever allowed to have. Ryouga, on the other hand, was
simply unconscious. They had worn him out. He lay between them, and
they were twined about his body. Ami giggled. "I guess he wasn't quite
man enough for two of us at once."
Akane smiled. "That was...incredible. Where did you learn all that
stuff?" I'll have to see if she can teach Ranma and I how to do some of
that stuff...
Akane smiled. "Oh, fiancee, mine, we have NEED of you!"
Ranma moaned. "I would if I could...oooohhh...and I know that I
should...ooooohhhhhh....but I think I'm going to pass out..." Makoto lay
in bed next to him, simply moaning.
Ami smiled. "I know a few techniques for rejuvenating sexual
endurance."
Makoto moaned, "What, I'm going to have to watch?"
Ami smiled. "Computer, Simon says Beam Kuonji Ukyou onto the
command deck." Ukyou suddenly appeared on the command deck. She
blinked, then saw what was going on and blushed. Ami went to work
reviving Ryouga and said, "Now we'll have some fun." They did.
**************************************************************************
Galaxia zoomed through space, heading for Earth. It was the last
place left for her to conquer. Her legions could not be stopped. Its
senshi would fall like all the others.
Far off, she heard a strange swooshing sound and paused. Suddenly,
an entire spacefleet zoomed through her and her army at warp speed. Can
you say 'Road Kill'? I know you can.
Let's just say they had to spend quite a while scraping bits off the
ship before they reached the Galactic Core and fell into that nasty black
hole someone left lying around. How untidy.
**************************************************************************
Much, much later, they all got dressed and took the ship back to
Earth. By that point, Soun and Nodoka were done. More or less, anyway.
Somewhere in Japan, Genma finally crashed back down to Earth.
*************************************************************************
<In the Command Center>
Biles sat in the dark, experiencing new heights of boredom.
Finally, after some stumbling sounds, the lights flicked on. Biles
wasn't sure whether to be relieved or if this just meant more abuse was
coming.
"There you are!" Futaba said.
"I've been tied up here since chapter one," Biles replied.
Futaba and Misaki nodded. "When do we get some screen time? We
haven't shown up since chapter one!"
"Well, if you want to film a story...go ahead. The evil queens are
off plotting. Or you could untie me."
"Naah, we'll just take advantage of this situation."
Misaki smiled evilly. "This is going to be FUN!"
Biles sighed. Too much fun.
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu bailesu@komodo.hacks.arizona.edu
http://www.hacks.arizona.edu/~bailesu/falcon.html
P-chan ran across the field and hopped into Akane's arms. She
snuggled her little pet. "I love you, P-chan, especially with a little
apple in your mouth and that special sauce Ukyou makes." They cooked
P-chan over an open fire and made special okonomiyaki out of him. And
all was good.
--Draft of Lemon Sherbet, Episode 12