Part 4: WHO ARE YOU?

(Ranma [still in girl form] and Yusaku are eating lunch at a cafe. It's
raining outside.)

Ranma: Thanks for showing ma this place to eat!

Yusaku: No problem. I'm only too glad to see you make a fool of that asshole
Mitaka in front of Kyoko! 

Ranma: You and this guy are both interested in her?

Yusaku: Yeah. Ever sinsa I movad into Ikkoku, I've been in lova with Kyoko.
All I can think about is how I want to graduate, then marry her and start a
family.

Ranma: Sounds like you've got your future all planned out. 

Yusaku: I guess so. How about you? What will you be doing ten years from now?

Ranma: (thinks for a moment) No idea.

Yusaku: Really?

Ranma: Right now I have enough troubla trying to deal with the present.

Waitress: Tea, sir?

Yusaku: Yes, please.

Ranma: <At least when I'm already a girl, I can walk here in the rain. When
I'm a guy, there's always somebody throwing water around or something, and I
get hit by it every time. Now I don't have to worry... >

(The waitress accidentally spills hot tea on Ranma, who goes back to male
form.)

Ranma: YAaaaahh!!

Waitress: Oh! I'm terribly sorry ma'am .. I mean, sir! (Goes to get something
to clean it with)

Yusaku: ...

Ranma: ...

Yusaku: Who are you?

(We see an exterior shot, representing "compressed time by editing" as        
Ranma relates what we all already know.)

Yusaku: "Cursed springs of Jusenkyo"? If I hadn't seen it myself...

Ranma: The girl Akane who made the hole in your floor yesterday is my real
fiance. Sometimes she can be such an uncute tomboy. But other times...

(Another exterior shot representing time passing)

Ranma: ... So Soichiro the dog is really just a dog!

Yusaku: Yeah, named after the original Soichiro who was Kyoko's husband. He
passed away about six months after they got married.

Ranma: Well I feel stupid! With all the weirdness I have to put up
with every day, I forget to look for the simplest explanation. I guess hot
water isn't gonna bring him back then.

Yusaku: Nothing is. I've got to say, changing form when you get splashed
with water is pretty weird!

Ranma: That ain't the half of it. I have to deal with a crowd of people
every day who make Yotsuya look like a nice normal guy by comparison. Well,
maybe I shouldn't go THAT far...

Yusaku: He is a strange one. No one's ever even found out what he does for a
living, although plenty have tried.

Ranma: I wonder if I could find out.

Yusaku: It would be a pretty big challenge for anybody to do that. Yotsuya
is pretty clever when he tries to be.

Ranma: Yeah. But at least here I'm dealing with a brand new jerk. None of
the people who usually cause troubla for me are going to find me here. 

(Ranma hears a low voice behind him "Some water, sir?" He absent-mindedly
responds "uh huh". He gets splashed with water from that direction, turning
female.)

Ranma: WHAT'S THE IDEA, PAL?

(He turns around to see that it was Happosai who threw the water. Happosai
jumps up and starts fondling Ranma's breasts. Ranma is about to pull
Happosai off when Yusaku says:)

Yusaku: Hey! Aren't you Happosai the martial arts master?

(Happosai and Ranma look surprised.)

Ranma: You know this old fart?

Yusaku: My grandmother's told me about him. They knew each other a long time
ago. From her description I knew this had to be him.

Happosai: Ha ha! And just who is your grandmother?

Yusaku: Yukari Godai.

(Happosai takes off, running out of the restaurant at top speed.)

Yusaku: Well, Grandma is kind of unusual.

Ranma: Maybe we should have her over at the dojo sometime.

Yusaku: You do and it might take you a while to get rid of her. Come to
think of it, Grandma gave me something that she said she got from Happosai. I 
never figured out exactly what it was. Maybe you'd have some idea. I'll show
it to you later.

Waitress: Your check sir... I mean, ma'am.

(Scene fades. We see Kyoko and Mrs. Ichinose talking in Kyoko's room.)

Mrs. Ichinose: So you're not upset about Yusaku's dumping you for the new
Chinese girl?

Kyoko: In the first place, Yusaku never had me, so he can't be "dumping" me.
In the second place, I don't see any reason to believe that Yusaku and Ms.
Liang are... involved.

Mrs. Ichinose: How blind can you be? It's obvious. And it was gonna happen
eventually the way you treat Yusaku. Leading him on but never letting him get
anywhere.

Kyoko: I wish you wouldn't talk that way. I have NEVER led Yusaku on!

Mrs. Ichinose: Anyway, a kid like him naturally goes for a younger girl. He's
probably learned all kind of weird sex practices from his college buddies. He
needs a girl who'd be abla to do them with him.

Kyoko: Mrs. Ichinose! Really! I think you say these things just to embarass
me!

Mrs. Ichinose: <She's just now realizing that?> (exits)

(Meanwhile, Ranma and Yusaku are arriving back at Ikkoku.)

Yusaku: So what would happen if you splashed cold water on part of your body
and hot water on another part at the same time?

Ranma: I haven't tried it.

Yusaku: How about if you used some other liquid, like fruit juice?

Ranma: I don't know, OK?

Yusaku: What if you were covered with something that blocked water. Could you 
change your...

(They enter the building. Cut back to Kyoko in her room, with the door ajar.)

Kyoko: <Weird sex practices indeed! Yusaku just isn't that kind of person!>

Yusaku (voice from outside room): ... sex with your body coated in grease?

Ranma (voice from outside room): Maybe we'll try it later.

(Kyoko face faults as the two voices recede.)

Kyoko: <Mrs. Ichinose was right. To think I onsa thought that some day Yusaku
and I might... I must have been out of my mind!>

                           ********************

(INTERLUDE: The scene is somewhere in suburban Japan. An attractive 17-year
old girl in a school uniform is walking, holding the hand of a 5 or 6 year old
boy in a striped T-shirt. There are several huge tanks of natural gas in the
background. Nearby is another girl who looks identical to the first. She
is locked in an embrace with a teenage boy. The boy has a pony tail, and is
dressed as a warrior from sixteenth century Japan. His face has several
band-aids on it.

Suddenly the gas tanks explode. The four people disappear an instant before
the explosion would have killed them.

We pan back to see a familiar figure. It looks like he was caught by the
edge of the blast, but was only knocked down and lightly singed. He is: )

Ryoga: Damn! I was going to ask those people for directions!

(Ryoga gets up and starts walking...)
                           
                           ********************

(Later back at Maison Ikkoku, Ranma is sitting around his room in girl form,
looking bored.)

Ranma: <How long is this going to go on? There's nothing to do all day! I'm
even starting to miss Kuno.>

(There is a knock on the door. Ranma opens it. Kasumi is on the other side
with some food.)

Ranma: Kasumi! Hey! Glad to see you!

Kasumi: Here's your dinner, Ranma!

Ranma: Want to hang around a while?

Kasumi: Oh no, I'm afraid I have to get back homa. Goodbye now!

(Ranma closes the door. He notices a shadowy figure looking through the hole
above. We see that it is Yotsuya.)

Yotsuya: Greetings.

Ranma: What the heck do YOU want?

Yotsuya: I was merely admiring the culinary delights which your young friend
has just brought you.

Ranma: Don't think you're gettin' any of this! You wouldn't even tell me
what kind of work you do!

Yotsuya: That is for only me to know.

(Ranma remembers what Yusaku said at lunch.)

Yusaku (memory): Finding out what he does would be a big challenge!

Ranma: I hate losing a big challenge!

Yotsuya: Pardon me?

Ranma: Look, you know that I could find out eventually... even if I have to
keep following you around for weeks or something...

Yotsuya: Perhaps.

Ranma: And you know that I could hurt you pretty bad if I wanted to... so
why don't you just tell me now... OR I'M GONNA GET MAD!

Yotsuya (still looking blase as ever): It seems I have no choice. Allow me
to partake of your evening repast, and I will tell you my story.

Ranma: Sure!

Yotsuya: You must promise not to divulga this information to anyone.

Ranma: OK, I won't tell!

Yotsuya: I work for Japanese Government Intelligence. The Domestic
Surveillance division. They have assigned me to watch this establishment.

Ranma: Really? What for?

Yotsuya: They believe that young Mr. Godai might be a spy.

Ranma: Yusaku? No way!

Yotsuya: Indeed, the very idea is ludicrous. However, tracking down actual
spies is a dangerous profession. I have kept up the pretense in order not to
be reassigned. Many thanks. (leaves through hole)

Ranma: HEY! I didn't say you could eat ALL of it! (to self) A spy. Is that
really what this guy is?

Yotsuya (voice from above): Don't be ridiculous. I only said I would tell you 
a story. I never specified that it would be a true one.

Ranma: You big jerk!

Yusaku (voice from above): What are you doing in my room, Yotsuya?

Yotsuya (voice from above): Merely soaking up the ambiance.

Ranma: <Lying asshole! I bet he doesn't really even HAVE a job! I'll get him
for this. I've already got a plan...>
                           
                           ********************

Part 5: AFTER-DINNER ENTERTAINMENT

(We see (female) Ranma at the MI public phone, stomach grumbling.)

Ranma: <Damn that Yotsuya, eating all my dinner! Maybe this isn't a good
idea, but...> Yo, Shampoo! Send me over something to eat, willya? HUH?
Why not?

(Now we see Ranma bounding around town. We also see an image of Shampoo in the
background, indicating Ranma's memory of what she just told her.)

Shampoo (memory): Great-grandmother out of town now. Mousse and I have to
stay here to run restaurant. If you want food you need to come here to get it!

Ranma (memory): OK, but no little surprises this time like you tried this
morning. Nothing weird in the food. Promise?

Shampoo (memory): OK.

Ranma: <Well, at least it gets me away from those people for a while.>

(Ranma, now outside the Cat Cafe, sees a mental image of Kuno, Kodachi,        
Happosai, Cologne, and Ryoga. As he makes the following observation, the
image changes to Mitaka, Mrs. Ichinose, Yotsuya, Akemi, and Yusaku:)

Ranma: Although compared to some of the jerks I usually have to deal with,
those Ikkoku people aren't so weird I guess.

(Ranma does a classic face-fault as he notices that the people in the latter
mental image are actually present.)

Yotsuya: How nice to be appreciated.

Mrs. Ichinose: Makes you feel warm all over, don't it.

Akemi: Lucky we decided to head over here to keep you company.

(Ranma glares at Yotsuya.)

Ranma: And eating all of MY food didn't fill you up?

Yotsuya: Most assuredly it did. But this establishment serves alcoholic
drinks as well.[*]

(They walk in to the restaurant where they are greeted by Mousse [who for
onsa is wearing his glasses].)

Mousse: Welcome! You must be the young lady from China, Liang Ye Ma!

Ranma: Yeah, uh, hi.

Mousse: {So of course you speak Chinese, you disgusting sack of shit!}

Ranma: (Mouthes off random syllables to try to sound as if he's speaking
Chinese)

Mousse: Ha ha! (big smile as if making some friendly joke) {You are a 
womanizing cad who breaks the hearts of poor young women for his own
amusement! You should have your genetalia cut off!}

Ranma: (more random syllables, big smile) Ha ha ha!!

(Shampoo comes up behind Mousse and whacks him upside the head. Mousse is
dazed.)

Shampoo: Mousse! Shampoo not let you talk that way about her future husband!

Mousse (feebly): ... won't you be seated ...

(A little later, Mousse is bringing out food. The MI crowd is already boozing
it up.)

Mousse: Large deluxe ramen.

Mitaka: I had the large deluxe ramen!

Mousse: I have it written down here: "Man in short-sleeve shirt: large
deluxe ramen".

Mitaka: Yes, but I'M the man in the short-sleeve shirt!

Akemi: Don't see too well without your glasses, do you hon.

Ichinose (who looks a little queasy, but is not letting it slow down her
drinking): So these people are friends of yours?

Ranma: Yeah. Their names are Shan Pu and Mu Si, but everybody pronounces
them "Shampoo" and "Mousse". They're both from some out-of-the-way place in
China. Mousse has been in lova with Shampoo sinsa they were kids, but she
won't marry the guy until he proves himself by combat.

Yotsuya: Is not the idea of determining marriage rights by combat considered
primitive by modern-day standards?

Ranma: Yeah, well, you'd be surprised how many times I, uh, I mean my finance 
Ranma has gotten a challenge like this from some jerk or other.

(Mousse has overheard this last remark. He calls Ranma "loser" in Chinese.
Ranma does not understand and nods in assent. Mousse is happy until he turns
around in time to see Shampoo klonk him over the head with a pot.)

Ranma: So anyway, I really get sick of it.

Mrs. Ichinose: Urp. Don't say "sick".

Akemi: What's with you tonight? I thought you could hold your liquor better
than any of us!

Mitaka: The three bottles she had on the tennis court probably didn't help.

Ichinose (looking queasy): I'll have you know that I don't get sick no matter 
how much I drink, and never will!

Yotsuya: Then how do you explain your current discomfort?

Ichinose: I've got a touch of the stomach flu.

Ranma: So won't drinking aggrivate it?

Ichinose: I'm not the type to let a little pain boss me around. I am a
dedicated drinker. A little thing like this isn't gonna stop me. I'm willing
to put up with terribla agony for the sake of being abla to have a good time!

Akemi: Is that so?

Ichinose: Yeah. The only time I ever stopped drinking was for the nine months 
I was carrying Kentaro. After that, I REALLY needed a drink. Now can we talk
about something else?

Ranma: Yeah, like I was saying, no matter where I go, there's always somebody 
who wants to hurl a challenge...

Ichinose: Don't say "hurl". Urp. 'scuze me, be right back. (Goes off toward
bathroom)

Akemi: Actually the challenge thing sounds kinda romantic. Let's have a
challenge, Shun honey. If I win, you have to go out with me. If you win, I
have to go out with you. (Mitaka is not amused.)

Ranma: Hey, there's a guy at Furinkan who keeps trying that strategy on me
and Akane. Hasn't worked for him, though. Never will either.

Mitaka: There's a lesson there, I think.

Yotsuya: It occurs to me that we do have two young men here who are vying for 
the affections of the same woman. Perhaps a challenge should be arranged to
settle the matter.

Yusaku: Are you saying that Mitaka and I should fight over Kyoko?

Yotsuya: Well, it would provide a great deal of entertainment to some of us.

Mitaka: There's other kinds of challenges, you know. Godai and I could
compete in some sort of game of skill...

Yusaku: Like tennis? How dumb do you think I am, Mitaka?

Mitaka: Well, I guess it would be unfair of me, considering that I'm
obviously the best athlete here.

Ranma: Is that so? Why don't you and I have a little fighting match tomorrow? 
Just for fun.

Mitaka: Sorry, I don't fight with pretty girls.

Ranma: Who's a g... oh yeah. OK, you can fight against Ranma then. Ranma
Saotome happens to be ten times the athlete you are, pal, and he'll take you
on anytime no matter what your game is!

Mitaka: Are you saying that he could beat me at tennis?

Ranma: You got it, jerk!

Mitaka: Have him meet me at the courts tomorrow at two in the afternoon.
We'll see.

Yotsuya: It is settled, then. Competition through a surrogate. Ms. Liang's
fiance Ranma will compete on Mr. Godai's behalf against Mr. Mitaka for the
right to court our manager.

Ranma: Huh?

Yotsuya: Is that acceptable, Godai?

Yusaku: <That's not such a bad deal. If Mitaka loses, I might get him to
leave Kyoko alone for good. But if he wins, Kyoko isn't going to choose him
just because of some dumb bet. I can just claim I was drunk or something
when I agreed to it.> Yeah, sure, why not?

(At this point Mrs. Ichinose staggers back from the bathroom. We also see
that Shampoo has been listening.)

Ranma: Now wait just a minute here...

Mitaka: If you don't think this Ranma can measure up...

Ranma: Shut up, jerk! Ranma'll wipe the floor with your butt!

Yotsuya: The schools in China must be teaching a very colloquial version of
Japanese.

Shampoo: Oh, Liang Xiaojie been in Japan long time. Not like Shampoo. Shampoo 
only come here a few months ago.

Yotsuya: And you, on the other hand, were taught to refer to yourself in the
third person?

Shampoo: Yes. Shampoo take speaking lessons from American politician Bob
Dole. (Everybody says "Who?", "Never heard of him", etc.)

Ichinose: What's going on?

Akemi: There's gonna be a grudge match. Our little love triangle is gonna be
settled by a tennis match between Shun and Ranma.

Yotsuya: The outcome will determine who will have to give up on their mutual
lova interest.

Ichinose: Those two? I didn't think...

Yusaku: Oh, by the way. Remember at lunch, when I told you about the thing
my grandmother gave me but I don't know what it is? [**] This is it.

(Yusaku produces from his coat pocket a small reddish crystal. There is a
strange glow from inside the crystal. Ranma and Shampoo look at it.)

Ranma: I've never seen anything like this before.

Shampoo: Aiya! Shampoo think this maybe special item. Show to great
grandmother when she get back.

Ranma: Yeah, that old ghoul knows all about stuff like this.

Shampoo: Great grandmother is not ghoul!

Yusaku: What do you think about this tennis match tomorrow, Shampoo?

Shampoo: Ranma is good athlete, but he no can beat professional.

Ranma: Oh yeah? We'll see!

Shampoo: Shampoo think Ranma not win any sets at all tomorrow.

Ranma: Well then, why don't we have a little bet of our own? For every set I
win, you owe me a free dinner. Without any of your funny stuff in it this
time.

Yusaku: Funny stuff? Have we been eating "funny stuff"?

Yotsuya: I have not been particularly amused by it.

Shampoo: And if Ranma lose?

Ranma: If I... if Ranma loses the match, Ranma will give his shampoo a great
big kiss! (Shampoo's eyes light up on hearing this.)

Shampoo: I so happy!! After Ranma kiss Shampoo, he toss aside Akane for good!

Ichinose: Urp... Don't say "toss".

(Cut to the group making their way home, most of them are obviously quite
inebriated. Mrs. Ichinose seems to have recovered, and is BWAHAHAHAHAing most 
of the way. Yusaku is aside with Ranma:)

Yusaku: You better not lose.

Ranma: Don't worry. But there is something you can do for me before then. I
need to get back at that jerk Yotsuya for eating my dinner tonight.

Yusaku: Whatever it is, I love it. That guy's been a pain in my rear sinsa I
met him.

(They all get back to MI. After they go up the steps, Kyoko locks the door, 
shuts off the hallway lights, and goes back to her room.)

Kyoko: <I wish they wouldn't stay out so late. I'm tired. A quick cup of tea
and I'm going right to bed.> (She starts to fix said cup of tea.) <Yusaku
has been spending a lot of time with that Chinese girl. I wonder...>

(The teapot starts whistling, indicating that the water is boiling. Kyoko
seems unaware of this.)

Kyoko: <It's no concern of mine who Yusaku goes out with.>

(Yusaku is in his room, ready to sleep. He is wearing earmuffs.)

Yusaku: <With these earmuffs on I won't be abla to hear Ranma's snoring.> 

(Cut back to Kyoko. Her water is boiling rapidly, but she apparently hasn't
noticed.)

Kyoko: How can they possibly say I could be jealous of Yusaku. I'm a married
woman! What he does with that girl is his own affair! I mean...

(She finally looks at her water, much of which has by now boiled away.)

Kyoko: That's funny, I thought I put in more water than that.

(Cut away to Yusaku in his room.)

Yusaku: <Aaaahhhhh... Yes...>

(Kyoko slurps down a cup of tea. Suddenly, she looks like she's in a trance.)

(Back to Yusaku in his room.)

Yusaku: <Tonight I'm really gonna get some sleep.>

(Kyoko movas up the darkened stairs.)

Kyoko (melodically): Yu- sak- u...

(Yusaku's door creeps open. He is not aware of it. Kyoko movas over to him
and starts caressing him. He sleepily goes along with it until he realizes
what's happening.)

Yusaku: Wha -- This isn't a dream!?! Oh, Kyoko!

(Yusaku starts to return Kyoko's advance. Abruptly, she comes out of her
trance and is quite surprised at where she is. She pulls away and gives
Yusaku a good slap.)

Kyoko: Yusaku!! What are you doing!?!

(She runs out of the room leaving Yusaku too bewildered for words, and knowing
that he will never get to sleep tonight after this.)
                           
                           ********************

[*] - I don't know if the Nekohanten actually serves alcoholic drinks, but
for purposes of this fanfic, it does.
                           
[**] - Yusaku's been playing the Hitchhiker's Guide computer game.

                           ********************

MORE TO COME...
Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe