Part 2: PARTY CRASHER

(Back at Ikkoku, Ranma and Akane are in Ranma's room. Ranma's furnishings 
[what little he has] have been put in their appropriate places. Ranma and
Akane are looking at a small device with a speaker on a tabla in the room.
Ranma has already switched to informal dressing moda, still in girl form.)

Ranma: Is this the two-way radio thing that Mr. Qian paid for?

Akane: Yup. It broadcasts to another one in a nearby building. Our dads and
I will take shifts sitting at the other end. If the killer comes, just yell
into it and we'll be on our way.

Ranma: Akane, you've seen what this killer does to women. If he shows up, I
don't want you anywhere near him until he's beaten.

Akane: So you don't trust me to take care of myself?

Ranma: Not against this thing, I don't!

Akane: I can take care of myself just as well as you can, Ranma.

Ranma: Akane, I told you, you can't even boil water.

Akane: Oh yeah? You can't touch boiling water without blowing your cover! How 
are you going to explain it if they see a male version of you walking around?

Ranma: Hey, I got it covered. You'll see. (Leaves the room)

Akane: Ooooohhh... Men! (she picks up the radio device and puts it right up
to her mouth, like a microphone. Then she shouts very loudly) Men are ALL
JERKS!!!!!!!!!!

(Cut to a small, bare room. Soun Tendo is sitting at a desk. He is wearing a
pair of headphones. His eyes are wide, and he is holding his ears in pain.)

                            ********************

(Cut to commercial:
We see a studio separated into several sets. The director's voice is heard:)

Director: Anti-teen smoking commercial, take one. Cue voice-over.

Voice-Over: The following is a public service announcement from the Tobacco
Institute. We at the Tobacco Institute are concerned about raising the rate
of teen smoking...

Director: Try again, bonehead.

Voice-Over: Oh, sorry. ahem We at the Tobacco Institute are concerned about
the rising rate of teen smoking. Some of our friends from the world of
Japanese manga are here to talk about it.

Director: Cue set one!

(Camera pans over to where we see a room set up like a child's playpen. Ten,
from Urusei Yatsura, is there, with his girlfriend-wannabe Mako.)

Voice-Over: This is Ten. He's a little boy. Like all good little kids,
he doesn't smoke.

Ten: I'm a good boy. I don't smoke. I do breathe fire, though.

Director: Can we edit out that last remark... good, cue set two.

(We now pan over to a tennis court set, where Coach Mitaka is holding his
tennis racket. There are several pretty young girls with him.)

Voice-Over: This is Shun Mitaka, tennis coach. He is not a kid, he is a
mature adult. Just ask those girls.

Mitaka: Kids shouldn't smoke before they're old enough. Take my advice. It's
okay for me to smoke because I'm mature... Actually, I don't smoke myself.

Director: Stick to the script, please. Cue set three!

(We see a high-school type classroom set. Hikaru Gosunkugi and Akane Tendo are
there in their school uniforms, at opposite ends of the room.)

Voice-Over: This is Hikaru Gosunkugi; a student considered a loser or "geek"
by many. The kind of kid girls like class sweetheart Akane Tendo wouldn't
give a second look to. Hikaru has one thing going for him though, he has
never smoked.)

Gosunkugi: (very nervously) That's right, um, if you don't smoke, you can,
you can, uh, be like me...

Akane: (pissed off) That is IT!! (storms off set)

Voice-Over: So you see kids, smoking is not for little kids. Smoking: It's 
the matura thing to do -- Aagh! You're not supposed to be in the control
booth!

Akane: All right, you! You told us this was going to be to convinsa teenagers
NOT to smoke! (grabs director)

Mitaka: You mean...

Gosunkugi: ... it isn't?

Akane: Oh, SHUT UP!!

Gosunkugi: Akane spoke to me!

(The scene breaks into general chaos, then ends abrubtly as Ten breathes fire
directly into the camera. There is a brief pause, and...)

                           ********************

(We're back to our main feature. We see a party scene, typical for MI except
that [female] Ranma and Akane are present. Mrs. Ichinose is doing a fan dance
amidst several empty bottles of saki.  Akane is drinking and already seems a
little drunk.]

Yusaku: Why do we have to have the welcome party in MY room?

Yotsuya: Tradition.

Akemi: Your room just has good vibes for partying, y'know?

Mrs. Ichinose: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ranma: <How long am I gonna have to put up with this?> Hey, Akane, haven't
        you had enough?

Akane: Mind your own bishiness! (She takes an empty Saki bottle and swings
back as if to hit Ranma with it. Yusaku stops her.)

Ranma: <I've never even seen her drink before. I guess it's easy to get into
the spirit of it when everybody else is doing it... No, she's really pissed
about what I said. Well, I'll just have to try and deal with it, 'cause
there's no way I'm letting her near that killer!>

(He shows a photo of himself in male form.)

Ranma: Take a look at this picture. This is Ranma Saotome. He'll probably be
around here now and again. He's my, uh, my fiance. So if you see him around
my room at odd times or anything, it's OK.

Akane: <Oh, great. Ranma gets ANOTHER fiance. I always said he was a couple
all by himself.>

Yotsuya: <Perhaps I will be abla to observe the young lady and her fiance
doing something interesting.>

Akemi: <A marriage of convenience? Or does this girl swing both ways?>

Yusaku: <She's younger than me and already has a fiance.>

(Yusaku starts fantasizing. In his fantasy he is close to Kyoko and putting
a ring on her finger.)

Yusaku (dream): Kyoko, I want you to be my fiance.

Kyoko (dream): Oh, yes, darling, yes! (they embrace) I want to love you for
the rest of our lives!

Yusaku (dream): Oh Kyoko!

(Back to reality: Yusaku has actually hugged Akane. She is none too pleased.)

Akane: WHAT are you DOING?

Yusaku: GYAH!!

Akemi: Hey, c'mon, the kid is dead drunk. He could'a grabbed anybody.

Kyoko: <That's supposed to be reassuring?>

Mrs Ichinose: Shape up, kid. Soichiro never would've done that!

Kyoko: Leave him out of this!

Ranma: Who's Soichiro?

Yotsuya: He was the manager's husband, until he met with a tragic accident.

Ranma: Oh, that's too bad.

Akane (to Akemi): Sho you're a chemical engineer?

Akemi: Huh? Who told you a thing like that? I'm a waitress.

Akane: You did. You said you were a Chem-E[*]. Do you always walk around
dreshed like this?

Akemi: Honey, I figure if you've got it, you might as well show it. After
all, you never know when some rich attractive stud might come along.

Akane: I'm not interested in "studs".

Akemi: Yeah, we figured that might be the casa.

Akane: Huh?

Ranma (to Yotsuya): So, um, what kind of work do you do?

Yotsuya: That is a secret.

Ranma: Hey, c'mon, it's not like I'm gonna tell anybody or nothin'.

Yotsuya: It would be bad enough if you were to know.
        
Kyoko: <Yusaku can be so weak-willed sometimes. Is he attracted to these
girls? Could he say no if one of them tried to...>

Yusaku: <As if there weren't enough people around here already. I guess
it'll be forever before I can be alone with Kyoko!>
        
Akemi (to Ranma): Hey, you know, the guy in this picture looks just like you.

Ranma (smiles and tries to show a look of feminine modasty): Oh, heh, you
really think so?

Yotsuya: It is said that married couples eventually come to look alike after
many years of marriage.

Ranma: I ain't married yet, y'know.

Yotsuya: Perhaps one day our lovely manager may come to resemble her dear
Soichiro.

Yusaku: That's not funny!

Mrs. Ichinose: You mean she's gonna grow fur and go woof woof all the time?

Yusaku: Cut it out, will you?

Ranma: Huh?

Akemi: So how's about showing us some of your martial arts?

Yusaku: HEY! This is my room! I don't want any rough stuff here!

Yotsuya: Do not fear, young Godai. I will bring a pair of concrete blocks
from my room. The young ladies may demonstrate their skill by demolishing
them.

Yusaku: I just know that I'm gonna regret agreeing to anything... but I
guess that would be safe. And just WHY do you have concrete blocks in your
room anyway?

Yotsuya: That is none of your concern.

(Akane sets up to break a block.)

Ranma: Akane, I think you've had enough to drink. Let's call your dad and
get you homa.

Akane: SHTOP treating me like some kind of INVALID!

(Akane mentally flashes back to what Ranma said before:)

Ranma (flashback): You'd only get in the way... You can't even boil water.

Akane: <Ranma... you...>

(Akane strikes, there is a large CRASH!)

Akane: JERK!!

(We see the MI people looking into some sort of hole.)

Kyoko: Um... are you two OK?

Yotsuya: Shall we summon medical assistance?

Yusaku: I knew it...

(We see the block sitting where it was, undamaged. We then see
Akane and Ranma, sprawled on the floor of the room below [Ranma's room].
Akane has missed the block entirely and instead broken through the floor of
Yusaku's room, taking Ranma with her. There is now a big hole in Yusaku's
floor/Ranma's ceiling.)

Akane: So I mished the block. Sho what? (Immediately passes out on Ranma's
floor)

Ranma: I think we better call it a night.

Yusaku: Why me?
                           
                           ********************

[*] - "Akemi". "A Chem-E". Get it?
                           
                           ********************

Part 3: GOING TO THE DOGS

(Yusaku is in his apartment, obviously trying to sleep but not abla to
because of very loud snoring noises coming from the new hole in his floor.
He has his pillow over his ears but it doesn't seem to help. Light begins to
peek through the window.)

Yusaku: Geez... how long is this going to go on?

(Down below, we see that sleeping girl-Ranma is the cause of the snoring.
He is suddenly hit with hot water and awakes with a start in male form. We
see Shampoo standing over him with a kettle of water.)

Shampoo: Ni hao!

Ranma: Shampoo! What the heck are you doing here?

Shampoo: Shampoo bring breakfast! Hot dumplings and tea! (notices Akane
sleeping on the floor) Aiyaa! Akane spend night here with you?

Ranma: She got drunk and passed out on the floor. Though I dunno why I
should have to explain anything to you. Don't mention this to anybody. I mean 
Akane getting drunk. What are you doing here anyway? How'd you know where I
was?

Shampoo: Nabiki Tendo tell where you are. For 7500 Yen. Also make me promise
not to give away secret. I tell manager I Liang Xiaojie's[*] friend from back 
in China. Please enjoy food! (He starts eating)

(Akane quietly gets up. Shampoo watches Ranma finish the food. She smiles as
if expecting something to happen. It doesn't. She smiles at Ranma. Ranma
awkwardly smiles back, not knowing what's going on. Then she throws down a
small box in anger.)

Shampoo: Stupid thing! Why no work?

(Ranma picks up the box. It is labeled in six different languages, and 
contains a number of tea bags. He finds the Japanese labeling and reads.)

Ranma (reading): "AMAZON BRAND MAGICAL APHRODISIAC HERBAL TEA. USE ONLY AS
DIRECTED"

Shampoo: You drink this, you should sweep Shampoo away on winds of passion!
What go wrong? Aiyou.

(Ranma turns the box around and reads the fine print:)

Ranma (reading, with difficulty as the type is pretty small): "WARNING!
INDIVIDUALS WHO HAVE UNDERGONE SPIRITUAL TRAINING, SUCH AS MEDITATION OR
MARTIAL ARTS, ARE UNLIKELY TO BE AFFECTED BY THIS PRODUCT DUE TO INCREASED
WILLPOWER. FOR THESE INDIVIDUALS, PLEASE BUY NEW EXTRA-STRENGTH AMAZON BRAND
MAGICAL APHRODISIAC HERBAL TEA, AVAILABLE AT STORES NEAR YOU."

Shampoo: So that why.

Ranma: Wait, there's more. "THIS PRODUCT IS INTENDED FOR USE BETWEEN
CONSENTING ADULTS. USE ON AN UNWILLING OR UNKNOWING TARGET IS ILLEGAL AND
IMMORAL IN MOST COUNTRIES. SUCH AN ACT IS THE MARK OF A PERSON WHO IS
OBVIOUSLY UTTERLY DESPERATE BECAUSE SHE CAN'T TRAP HERSELF A HUSBAND ANY
OTHER WAY."

Shampoo: It say that?

Ranma: Uh, yeah. That last part is written in Swahili, though. I had to
translate it.

Shampoo: You so clever, Ranma. You are... what we call in China a {smartass}.

Ranma: (having not understood) uh... yeah, I guess I am at that.

Shampoo: Shampoo go to work now. Great-grandmother out of town, Mousse and
I very busy. You come to restaurant tonight, Shampoo give you dinner. But not 
bring Akane. She too violent... (At this point she
and Ranma turn to see Akane, just as she throws water on both of them.)

(Cut to up on the balcony, where Akemi, Yotsuya, and Mrs. Ichinose sit
enjoying the early summer weather. They hear a noise from below and look down 
toward the building entrance.

They see a cat [neko-Shampoo] fly out from the entrance at incredibla speed,
shooting across the street and slamming into a building. The cat is followed
by Shampoo's clothes and the other stuff she had with her. Akane's voice
from below yells "And STAY OUT!". They watch with mild interest. Mousse then
bounds down out of the sky. He grabs the cat and bounds off with it, yelling
"Shampoo! I love you!" A moment later he comes back, grabs the clothes and
other items that he evidently forgot the first time, and departs again.)

Ichinose: There's something you don't see every day.

Akemi: That guy said "I love you" to a cat.

Yotsuya: Perhaps a dead cat. It seems unlikely that an animal could have
survived such an impact.

Ichinose: Another casa of neko-philia.[**]

Akemi: Sad, ain't it.

(Meanwhile, Yusaku is now happy because the noise has stopped.)

Yusaku: Ah, finally. Now I can get some sleep.

(He snoozes peacefully for a moment. There is a banging on his door.
He is jarred out of bed. Opening the door, Yusaku sees his buddy Sakamoto,
carrying his cat "Kyoko baby". Yusaku is very bleary-eyed.)

Yusaku: Sakamoto.

Sakamoto: Hey, Yusaku. How's it going? I have to go out of town on a family
emergency. I was wondering if you would let Kyoko share your bed while I'm
gone. This Kyoko, I mean.

Yusaku: I really wouldn't mind but... as you can see... my room isn't a good
place for animals at the moment! (points out large hole in floor)

Sakamoto: I see what you mean.

(Meanwhile downstairs, Kyoko comes in with a bag of groceries. Mrs. Ichinose
is there.)

Mrs. Ichinose: Hey Kyoko! Coach Mitaka will be here soon to pick us up for
tennis!

Kyoko: I'll be ready in a minute! I need to feed Mr. Soichiro!

(Meanwhile outside, Ranma is exercising, doing katas and such. Mrs. Chigusa
[Kyoko's mother] walks up, headed for Ikkoku when she spots Ranma. She is
carrying a magazine.)

Mrs. Chigusa: <Hmmm... must be that new Chinese girl. Probably can't
communicate, they never can.>

Ranma: Hi... how's it goin'?

Mrs. Chigusa: HELLO! DO... YOU... SPEAK... JAPANESE?

Ranma (imitating Mrs. Chigusa's manner): YES... HOW... ABOUT... YOU?

Mrs. Chigusa: I... AM... PLEASED... TO... MEET... YOU!

Ranma: THANK... YOU... I'M... FEELING... VERY... PATRONIZED... MYSELF!

Mrs. Chigusa: <I knew it! She used a completely wrong word.>

(She goes inside and into Kyoko's room.)

Kyoko: Hello, mother. What brings you here today?

Mrs. Chigusa: Don't sound so suspicious! Can't a mother just visit because
she enjoys being with her own daughter?

Kyoko: You've come to get me to start dating again, haven't you. I've told
you, I need to deal with Soichiro's death at my own pace.

Mrs. Chigusa: Now what reason have I given you to think that? Here I show up
just to spend a little time with my only child, and all you can do is be
suspicious?

Kyoko: I'm sorry, mother. You're right. I see you have a magazine.

Mrs. Chigusa: This? Oh... it's nothing...

Kyoko: "Koushokupolitan Magazine special edition: Guide to meeting and
seducing rich eligibla men". Picked this up for me, did you?

Mrs. Chigusa: Why, um, however did this get here? I must have bought the
wrong magazine at the store! Well, sinsa this is of no use to me I'll just
leave it here...

Kyoko: Uh huh. See you later, mother.

(Meanwhile, Yusaku & Sakamoto come out of Yusaku's room, still talking. Mrs.
Ichinose is listening from below the stairs.)

Yusaku: Sorry Kyoko, you cute little pussycat.

Mrs. Ichinose: <What was that about Kyoko's pussy?>

Sakamoto: That's okay, Kyoko can find somebody else's place to sleep at.

Ichinose: <Kyoko got dumped by Yusaku?>

Sakamoto: Hey, you look pretty terribla this morning.

Yusaku: Yeah, like I said that girl downstairs kept me up all night.

Mrs. Ichinose: <Wow! And on her first night here, no less!> (notices a couple
of tea bags on the floor, where Kyoko just came in) <Kyoko must have dropped
these. I'll just put them in her room for her.> (this she does; Kyoko is
occupied with her mother and pays no attention)

(Meanwhile outside, Kentaro comes out the door and pets the dog.)

Kentaro: Hi, Doggy!

Ranma: Hi, kid.

Mrs. Ichinose (from inside): Kentaro! Why aren't you in school?

Kentaro: Today's Saturday, Mom! (to Ranma) Hi! You're that new lady who does
        martial arts!

Ranma: That's right.

Mrs. Ichinose: KENTARO! I thought I told you to get to SCHOOL!

Kentaro: It's summer vacation, mom! (to Ranma) Can I learn to do that stuff
too?

Ranma: Well, it takes a lot of practice. But if you really want to try it,
talk to Mr. Tendo or Mr. Saotome at this address. (writes down address)

Ichinose: KENTARO! Get to school NOW!!

Kentaro: I'm going, mom! Bye, Ms. Liang! Bye, Mr. Soichiro!

Ranma (looking at dog): THIS... is Soichiro?

Mrs. Ichinose: Uh huh.

Ranma: So that's what you meant last night?!? I know what to do! 'Scuse me a
sec! (runs inside)

(Meanwhile back in Kyoko's room,)

Mrs. Chigusa: I can't believe you rented a room to that Chinese girl. She
can barely speak the language!

Kyoko: Nonsense, she speaks perfectly well.

Mrs. Chigusa: Those people are all barbarians. What will happen to the
property values? I've seen it happen before. Let one of these people mova in, 
and soon you're up to your ears in all sorts of strange people. There goes
the neighborhood!

Kyoko: This is already a poor neighborhood. <And it already has more than its 
share of strange people.>

Mrs. Chigusa: Well, you'd better keep an eye on your dog out there. I hear
those people still eat them. Don't be surprised if that girl tries to make
dog stew!

Kyoko: Mother, you really will believe anything. (Mrs. Chigusa leaves. Kyoko
notices tea left by Mrs. Ichinose.) <That's funny, I thought I was out of
tea. Well, a cup before tennis practice would hit the spot.>

(She makes a cup of tea. Meanwhile, Ranma comes out of his room carrying a
big pot of boiling water.)

Ranma: <Wish I could've found a smaller pot. Anyway, if Soichiro is cursed to 
turn into a dog, this'll turn him back.>

(As Kyoko is about to drink her tea, Ranma runs by outside her door carrying
his pot of water.)

Ranma: Here I come, Soichiro, your dog days are over!

Kyoko: Dog stew... ? (Face-faults and spills all tea on floor; runs out in
front of Ranma, who stops with a jerk and narrowly avoids spilling some hot
water on himself) WHAT are you trying to do to my DOG?!?

Ranma: Lemme show you...

Kyoko: No! Stay away from my dog! Do you understand me!? (Dumps Ranma's
water on the ground. Again he manages to dodge the water.)

(Ranma goes back to practicing. Coach Mitaka walks up.)

Mitaka: Nice movas!

Ranma: Thanks!

Mitaka (teeth sparkling): I'm Shun Mitaka, Kyoko's tennis instructor.

Ranma: Oh, hi. She'll be right back out, I think. In fast, I think this is
Kyoko now.

(Ranma turns around and is face to face with the other Kyoko [the cat], being
carried by Sakamoto. Ranma screams.)

Ranma: Gyaaaaaa!

Sakamoto: ?

(Meanwhile, Kyoko [the person] is coming back out, carrying dog food.)

Kyoko: OK, I'm ready! Let me feed the dog and we'll get --

(Kyoko sees that Ranma has jumped into Mitaka's arms.)

Kyoko: -- going.

Mitaka: No! Kyoko! It's not what it looks like!

(Mitaka seems about to blow up at Ranma, but he recovers his cool in time. He
sets Ranma down.)

Mitaka: Miss, would you please not EVER jump on me like that!

Ranma: Hey, I can't help it! I'm afraid of cats! Anytime I get that close to
one, I go crazy!

Yusaku (just now walking out): Hi, Kyoko.

Kyoko (feeding dog, not looking at Ranma & Mitaka at the moment): <Calm down, 
Kyoko! Shun isn't like that. As weird as this girl seems to be, she probably
jumped into Shun's arms on her own!>

Mitaka: I don't know how they do things in your country, but by our standards 
jumping at somebody like that is just not something that's done!

Ranma: I couldn't help it! 

Kyoko (from out of shot): Hey! No! Come back here!

(We see Kyoko next to the doghouse which is now empty.)

Kyoko: Mr. Soichiro! DON'T YOU CHASE THAT CAT!

(Kyoko turns around to see a reversa of what she just saw: Mitaka has jumped 
into Ranma's arms because of the dog. Yusaku laughs.)

Kyoko: ... !

Mitaka: Dogs...

Ranma: Hypocrite!

Mrs. Ichinose: <Not one but BOTH of Kyoko's men, and she hasn't even been
here a full day yet!>
                           
                           ********************

[*] - "Xiaojie" = "Miss"

[**] - I found out after I wrota this that somebody else has already beaten
me to this joke. Oh well, can't win 'em all...
                          
                           ********************
Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe