U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CHAPTER 8
"Hey, there, Captain", remonstrated Babs. "You don't seem to
understand, we're not here to hurt you : we're here to help you
overcome this problem of yours. So, if you'll kindly cooperate..."
Locutus/Picard was unmoved. "Captain Picard is irrelevant", he
stated in a monotone. "Former fellow crewmembers are irrelevant.
The Borg collective is relevant."
He raised his dip-gun and aimed it at the party, ready to fire.
"Like, hold it, dude", said Shirley. "Like, you wouldn't do this
to your friend Counsellor Troi here, would you?"
For an instant, a sudden look of emotion came over Locutus' face,
as if a memory repressed inside his head came through his mind, but
it was quickly dashed away.
"No -- former associates are irrelevant -- collective is all".
"Aw, c'mon Picmeister", wisecracked Buster a little nervously --
for he knew that Babs and Shirley were trying again what Wesley had
attempted during their first run-in with Locutus : to get into what
little personality Picard had left within him and make him realize
what his actions could lead to. "Think of these collective actions
: are they really worth it regarding what you'll do to your
friends ? Geordie and Riker and Data and Wesley and Dr. Crusher?
Is it really worth hurting them?"
Locutus once again began to grimace. "Geor-die. Data. Number
One. Beverly". It seemed like hours, those seconds -- and then...
"No, collective is relevant, former life is irrelevant. So says
collective. Collective is all - contrary irrelevant. Prepare to
be terminated." Once again he began to lift the appendage that
would destroy the team within seconds with its deadly concoction
from the Acme war laboratories, and then suddenly was still.
Elmyra peaked out from behind her fingers, which she had placed
over her eyes so as not to see her body disintegrate from the
dip-blast. "Hey! The Borgy-Worgy's not moving!"
"So it seems", said Babs. "I wonder what did it".
"Ya had ta ask", said a familiar voice.
The team turned around - to find Bugs, Worf, the animators and the
other toons with them.
"BUGS!" they all yelled.
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"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Troi and Worf said to each other.
"Well enough of dat", said Bugs. "We've got some serious work ta
do here regardin' gettin' da Captain back to normal".
"But Bugs," asked Buster, "as a pupil to his mentor, how were you
able to freeze Locutus in his tracks like that?"
"Well, it wasn't all my idea. Plucky here came up with an idea,
and Friz simply put it together".
Bugs held out a small square device - marked Acme Universal Remote
Control Unit. "All I had ta do," he continued, "was point it at
old Admiral Android here and press the pause button. But we don't
have much time, the battery will wear out in the next three
minutes!"
He now turned to Troi and Shirley. "You two, we'll need the powers
of both of you to help "Fine-toon" the captain into toon form sose
dat we can den destroy him in our own inimitable way, sose dat when
he regenerates he should be his old stalwart self again, more or
less. Think you're up to it ?"
* * * * *
Shirley said, "Like, okay, Teach." Turning to Troi, she said,
"Just empty your mind. Pretend you're Madonna or some junk., and
concentrate on the mantra "Oh-What-A-Toon-He-Is.
Oh-What-A-Toon-He-Is."
Shirley closed her eyes and levitated a foot off the ground. Troi
did the same. After a moment, Troi opened her eyes. "It's no good
with just us. Here, someone take my hand. Everyone join hands and
think positive, cartoon thoughts."
Somewhat sheepishly, all the Toons and humans present joined hands
together and closed their eyes, forming a chain of bodies between
Shirley and Troi, and surrounding Locutus. And still nothing
happpened.
Then, Babs Bunny opened her eyes and stared at you -- the person
reading this message.
"Listen, you - we need you, too! Use your mental energy ... just
chant, 'Oh-What- A-Toon-He-Is!' All of you!"
She rejoined the circle. The countdown timer on the control
reached one minute. And once again, Babs broke the circle to
address YOU.
"C'mon! You did this for Tinkerbell! Do it for ol' Mister Clean
here!"
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
And Babs rejoined the circle. The concentration was unbearable. And
slowly, the form of Locutus rippled and shifted, stripes formed on
the very human flesh of the inhuman man-machine --- and there was a
FLASH!
"It is a miracle!" Shirley exclaimed.
"Like, he's a Toon, fer sure!" exclaimed Troi -- who looked with
horror at Shirley, and then broke out laughing.
"Okay, gang!" Bugs said. "Picard's a Toon now, but his Borg
part's ain't! Like me old buddies the Stooges used to say, we got
woik to do!"
And every Toon present, from Li'l Sneezer all the way up to Foghorn
Leghorn, from the old-timer Porky Pig to the reasonably-young
Buster Bunny -- piled on top of the still-motionless figure.
Everything from psychic mind blasts to hammers, rapidly-spinning
claws to tails full of stinkum-bad-stuff, flew into the fray.
Geordi and Data stepped forward to get a better look, but Worf held
out his arms to restrain them. "Such violence," Worf said
solemnly, "only a Klingon can understand."
And when the smoke finally cleared...
There stood the Locutus/Picard/toon, nary a scratch on him for the
ordeal he had faced. At his feet were a pile of toons, some tied
in knots, some bent, spindled, and mutilated, and some unconscious.
Slowly, a lone toon crawled from under the carnage -- it was Bugs.
"BUGS!" yelled Worf. "What happened? Why didn't it work?"
"Wouldn't ya knows it", sighed Bugs. "I forgot a very important
factor - namely, by making him a toon we made him just as powerful
as we are, and as durable. It looks like we're going to have to
change our approach. Toons - ABBBBOUUUT TURN!"
Quickly the toons untangled themselves from the pile and faced
Locutus.
"Well, it looks like we is really forced to used force, bub", Bugs
stated to Locutus, "and thankfully there's no censor around to stop
us -- so are yas gonna come quietly or are we gonna have ta".......
"STOP!"
Everybody turned around to see who had interjected the epiphet.
"Oh, you unceevilized persons", said Fifi, who had been the only
toon who had not involved herself in the battle. "Do you really
theenk that violence ees the answer to all our problems? I say
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NON! I say that we tries to conquor zees meesunderstood one with
LOVE!"
With that, she walked towards Locutus.
"NO FIFI!" screamed Babs. "ARE YOU CRAZY? HE'S ARMED AND
DANGEROUS! HE'LL REDUCE YOU TO A PILE OF PRIMORDIAL INK!
HE'LL..." she broke down crying, unable to go on.
Pepe put her arm around her. "Do not worry, leetle one", he
consoled the sobbing Babs. "Notthing weel happen to Fifi -- in
fact, I have zee feeling zat..." . He couldn't go on either, the
thought of him losing his star pupil was too much for him to bear.
All eyes, toon and organi, were now locked on the two in front of
them : a lavender skunk and a once-human, then-machine, and
finally-toon personage.
Fifi gazed into the eyes of Locutus. "Ah, mon cherie", she purred
as he glanced into Locutus' eyes, "my tutor was zo right when he
told me zat I would soon find ze one I would truly call my own on
zees sheep! Somehow, you are so deeferent from ze othair bourgeous
Borg I have had ze meesfortune to meet - you are zo handsome, zo,
studied, zo, deesteenguished! And, alzo I am very embarassed to
admeet zees in front of my friends here, bald men really turns me
on!" Her tail swished slowly as she spoke.
Pepe's eyes were full of tears. "Ah, mine gigolette", he thought
to himself, "I have really taught you well in zee art of love!" He
pulled out a handker chief and honked loudly.
Locutus was unmoved. "Libido is irrelevant", he flatly stated.
"Amorous skunks are irrelevant. Failure of minoxydil to work is
irrelevant. Prepare to be ter-"
But he never finished this line of Borg reasoning, as with a flying
leap Fifi immediatley wrapped herself around Locutus's waist,
applying a crushing grip in her passion.
"Ahh, mon flocons de mais, love ees not so eerelevant!", she smiled
to him. "Eeef you would only allow Fifi to open zat Casio-made
heart of yours, you would see zat my passion for you is zo great --
come, let us go -- we have so much to see out zere in zees beeg
galaxy! We can start by spending a romantic weekend in old
Montreal", she gripped tighter, kissing his chin, "and zen we....."
Locutus was beginning to change. Sweat began appearing on his
forehead. He began changing colour, first arctic white, then beet
red, then Lake Placid Blue, and finally Tartan Plaid. Smoke began
pouring out of his ears. His breathing began to be more laboured.
But the big change was in his facial expression -- once so stoic,
his eyes were beginning to grow big and wide, his tongue extending
till it touched the floor. And then finally, in a very unborglike
160 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
tone of voice, he screamed -
"SACRAY MAROON! UN SKUNK LE PEW! LE KITTEE KEL TERRIBLAY ODEUR!
RUINATION! CATASTROPHE! I AM 'OW YOU SAY - FEENEESHED!"
With that, he slowly collapsed into a small puddle of goo to the
floor, his cybernetic attachments now useless -- and no longer a
threat nor a control. The captain was free!
For a moment, there was silence -- and then cheering, with
ticker-tape and party favours festooning the air.
"Ya did it, Fifi!" Bugs said in a congragulatory tone. "Ya cured
Locutus! He's gonna be alright!"
"Mine pupil", siad a justifiably proud Pepe, "when we gets back, I
weel make sure zat you receives ze Croix de Guerre for your heroic
deed - you were magneeficent!"
"True", said Fifi. "Ze only regret zat I have is zat my underarm
deoderant wore off just as I was about to -- how you say -- propose
to heem".
"Great", thought Troi. "As if the captain will have enough trouble
when he gets aboard ship again and finds out Mother is on board,
he'll also have to deal with THIS"
Bugs raised his arms, and the room fell silent.
"Well, fellas", he said. "In a few moments, Picard will be
reconstituted back to his old self again, and we'll be able to go
back aboard. And so, having vanquished the problem at hand, we
will......"
"YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, RABBIT!" screamed a familiar voice.
* * * * *
The toons and humans of the away team found themselves staring down
the barrel of what looked like a very sophisticated gun, very long
and very narrow-barreled -- and at the other end of it was none
other than-
"Well, if it isn't Monty!" said Buster. "So you're the Jesse
Jimmy behind all this!"
"First off, DON'T CALL ME MONTY!" screamed Monty. "And I'm not
the brains behind this plot -- merely a consultant to the Borg --
and it's going to pay off quite nicely for me!"
"He's right about his not being the brains behind this", whispered
Babs to Buster. "Let's face it, he doesn't have enough brains to
pick his nose, let alone conquer the galaxy!"
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"So dat explains why all dis Acme stuff has fallen into the hands
of da Borg", said Bugs, putting everything together. "Monty,
you're a traitor!"
"Yeah, and nobody's gonna stop me", sneered Monty. "Not even you,
rabbit! I've waited years for this -- I've always wanted to get
even with you for training Buster and Babs to always making me look
like an idiot all these years -- for denying me my right -- MY
RIGHT! -- to be the true star of Warner Bros. And as well, all
those times you made me stand in the corner at school, as well as
making me stay after class and clapping erasers behind the
Looniversity! Do you know what chalk dust does to a man!"
"Yeah, destroys brain cells", said Bugs. "Dat's why dat job always
fell to you! You would never have dat problem!"
Monty reddened again. "Well, it looks like I have the drop on you
all, so we'll see who has the last laugh! This is one of the Acme
labs' newest inventions : a compact version of Marvin's Martian
Atomic Masher! One pull on this trigger, and you'll all be
freeze-dried -- enough time to keep you immobilized until we
conquer the galaxy".
"NO!" yelled Worf. "Not if I can stop you!"
He ran towards Monty -- only to be knocked to the ground by a force
which struck him in the chest. He struggled to get up, but it was
no use : a straight-jacket was holding him immobile.
"Bullseye", said Marvin, who was right behind Monty with an ACME
STRAIGHT-JACKET SHOOTING BAZOOKA. "Isn't that lovely?"
"Now, to seal your fate", chortled Monty as he pulled the trigger
of the device. "It takes fifteen seconds for this thing to warm
up, so you might as well use it to say your prayers!"
"Buster - Babs", Bugs quickly shot out - "Plan C!"
In a flash, the three rabbits rushed towards the front of the gun.
Each shoved a carrot into the opening in the barrel.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing!" huffed monty. "This is a
precision weapon - you'll damage it!"
With that, he ran to the front of the gun -- which still stayed in
mid-air, as all toon guns are capable of -- and began yanking on
the carrots.
"UH - UHHH!" Monty groaned. "They're wedged in too tight -
Marvin, give me a hand with this!"
Marvin came to the front of the gun and began tugging as well. The
carrots came out. Suddenly they realized...
162 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"What on EARTH are we doing?" they both shot out in unison.
The gun answered for them -- as the two villains took the brunt of
the blast, reducing them to space helmets and shoes.
"WE'LL BE BACK, RABBIT!" yelled Monty as the two helmets ran away
down the hall. "We'll put the most fearsome plot ever on you --
and when we do..."
"And now," Bugs said to the away team, "having re-vanquished the
menace, we shall now..."
"Not if I can help it", said another voice...
* * * * *
Once again the team whirled to see the author of the threat -- to
come face-to-face with the Supreme Borg and his two minions.
"I'm so glad to have the honor of having you here, if only for the
sole pleasure of annihilating you all," sneered Soupy. "I will not
allow the glorious goal of assimilating the entire universe be
thwarted by inferior organic entities".
He pointed at Bugs. "And I am glad that you are here, rabbit!
Thanks to you and your friends, I hold you personally responsible
for taking away my audience from earth television, causing me to
lose my show from the major networks and reducing me to appearing
on cable sattelite, telling off-color jokes!"
Soupy stood upright. "But now, thanks to the Grand High Borg, who
captured me centuries before and assimilated me as part of his team
for my quick thinking and leadership qualities, I am now able to
take what is rightfully mine! Soon everybody in the entire
universe will be sending me all those little green bills with the
pictures of Washington and Jefferson on them, and not even you can
stop me!"
"Impressive oratory, Mr. Tin-pot", shot back Bugs, but how do you
intends to stop us?"
"WITH THIS, LONG EARS!"
Soupy pulled out a round object from his robes and hurled it at
Bugs, who ducked quickly. The object struck the wall behind him,
part of which dissolved.
"Impressed? The Acme scientists developed a new version of my
favorite all-time weapon -- the banana-creme pie - by lacing it
with a lethal dosage of super-dip." He laughed. " And as far as I
know, no one has as yet been able to deflect or stop such an
object! Admit defeat, you painted poltroons, and you Enterprise
personnel, for nothing can stop me, nothing at all, HA
HAHAHAHAH!--"
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Soupy was suddenly cut off in mid-rant by a large cigar-shaped
object, with a large fist on the front of it, which punched him
hard in the labonza and knocked him out cold.
"YAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Sam as he went down the
corridor. Unfortunately, it was a dead end.
BLAMMMMM!
The smoke parted, revealing a somewhat dazed Sam.
"Did someone get the number of that truck", he muttered before
collapsing in a heap.
"And so, having re-re-thwarted the menace", continued Bugs, " we
shall now..."
"Not so fast, carrot breath", growled Black Tooth. "Just because
the boss is unner anesthetic doesn't mean you're off scott-free,
you'll stillhave to deal with me and my associate here! White
Fang," he yelled at his counterpart, "Terminate them, WITH
DISPATCH!"
"Yeah, and wit dis creme pie as well, second-in command", said
White Fang.
The two paws (for that was all that was visible of the villains),
began to produce a number of the deadly pies and throw them at Bugs
and the team.
"QUICK, take cover!" yelled Worf.
"Behind what, Doc?" shot back Bugs. "We seem ta be out in the open
here!"
"Behind this!" yelled Clampett. He pointed to a circle of
Conestoga wagons that the animators, in their haste, had drawn.
"Well", he said, taking the brunt of their incredulous stares, "it
was the best we could do under such short notice!"
Quickly they ducked behind the makeshift barricade -- luckily, the
pies had not succeeded in touching anyone.
"Lieutenant Worf to engineering", Worf yelled into his
communicator. "Worf to engineering, do you read?"
"I read you loud and clear, Worf. Where the hell are you?"
answered Geordie from the Enterprise. "Riker has been looking for
you for the last hour or so!"
"I'm aboard the Borg ship, along with Counsellor Troi and the toons
-- we've got the captain freed from the Borg, but they're opening
164 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
fire on us with..." He caught himself from describing the weapons.
"How did you and Troi --"Geordie started, but then realized the
serious ness of the situation. "Acknowledged. I'll need to find
your coordinates before I can beam you all back to the ship -- try
to hold on until I can!"
"Acknowledged, Geordie, and have Dr. Crusher stand by in sick bay
to receive the patient". Worf stared at the puddle on the floor,
which had, for the last ten minutes, been slowly reforming itself
into a form that greatly resembled Picard. If only they could hang
on for a few more moments until the transformation was complete.
Suddenly...
"G-g-g-g-good gravy!", yelled Porky.
"Like, what is it, supreme swine?" asked Shirley.
"I just did a head c-c-c-count, and one of the toons is missing!
He's p-p-probably out there in no-man's land!"
Now Babs gave out a shriek. "LITTLE SNEEZER! I can't find him
anywhere! And if I can't find him, there goes $20 in babysitting
fees!"
"THUFFERIN' THUCCOTASH!" interjected Sylvester. "There'th the
cute little morsel!"
Everyone followed to where Sylvester's white paw was pointed -- and
did a collective gasp. There stood Little Sneezer, standing
directly in front of White Fang and Black Claw!
"HAHAHAHA", yelled the two paws. "Now we gotcha!"
Little Sneezer cleared his throat. "Oh my, this has been such an
exciting adventure, it almost reminds me of the time I turned on
Alien and watched it while Mom wasn't looking. I must've had a lot
of nightmares for weeks afterwards; boy, I hope nothing vaguely
reptilian pops out of your chest with a lot of gore, I bet that
would smart. This is really quite a big ship and a lot of scary
people and machines are here, but I'm not afraid not as long as
Plucky my hero is here with me. He's so brave and strong, even if
a little conceited and egotistical, in fact the only thing I
dislike about this ship is it's so cold and dusty a fellow like me
clad in only a diaper could catch such a nasty head cold, if not
pneu - AHH - AAA- AAAH - AAAAAAAAAAAAAH......"
"DUCK AND COVER!" yelled Bugs.
The toons immediatly pulled a blanket over Plucky.
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"What I meant to say was, HANG ON!" yelled Bugs.
"....CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" concluded Little
Sneezer, releasing a gale force from his tiny lungs that sent the
two giant paws flying into a wall, knocking them out.
"And now, having re-re-re-disposed of the menace", Bugs attempted
again...
He was again interrupted, this time by Geordie, thankfully. "Okay,
I found your coordinates -- ready to beam aboard?"
Worf motioned to Bugs. "Is the Captain ready to beam aboard?"
Bugs looked at the now fully-recognizable, if toonlike, form of
Captain Jean-Luc Picard. "Well, he's unconscious -- probably
sleepin' off his ordeal, I wagers -- but he's ready to go!"
Worf spoke into his communicator again. "Affirmative -- energize!"
With that, the team did a slow dissolve into a cloud of "Spawkawy
dust," then disappeared completely from the Borg ship -- to home.
Slowly Soupy got up from the floor and surveyed the damage.
"I feel like part of a bad Norman Mailer novel," he thought. He
then walked to the prostrate forms of Black Tooth and White Fang
and shook them to consciousness."
"Idiots!" he yelled at the feckless felines. "I am surrounded by
idiots! You let them escape! But just wait! I'll get them! Now
where are those two toadlicking toons in my employ?"
"In my office right now, you drip!" thundered a voice of ominous
tone throughout the corridors. "And I want to see you there too,
pronto!"
"Yes, your Grand High Borgness", said a more subdued Soupy.
* * * * *
"Look under 'Borg' Hewy!"
"Okay Lewy." Hewy flipped the pages of The Junior Woodchuck Guide
Book to the BORG.
"I found it! Right here after BORE." Hewy said triumphantly.
"What does it say? What does it say?" Donald asked while jumping
up and down.
"Gimmee me that book, Hewy!" Dewy grabbed the book, "It says:
'The Borg are enhanced beings who exist only to find technology.
If you should come across one, there is only one possible escape,
166 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
RUN!' Well, we could do what this very wise, and most intelligent
book says, Uncle Donald." He said a bit sheepishly.
"NO!!" Donald screamed (turning very red at the same time). "We
just can't leave all of these little children here so that they can
be turned into a BORG!" he said this while pointing at the walls
that were lined with beds for the future borgs. "That is a life
not fit even for the worst 'toon!"
"But, Uncle Donald!" Dewy interjected.
"Squwawawawawawawawawawawa!!!!!" was the reply. Donald clinched
his feathered fists and gritted his toothless beak. His whole body
turned red like molten lava and steam arose from his head lifting
up his hat.
Hewy and Lewy both jabbed Dewy with their elbows. "Stop it, Dewy!"
said Hewy.
"Yeah, Dewy. You know you can't talk to him when he is steaming
like that. We can help Uncle Donald with this." said Lewy.
"Oh, okay. But I was just say'n." Dewy scuffed his foot on the
floor. "Sorry, Uncle Donald." He said in a small voice.
Very slowly did the reddness leave Donald's face. His hat fell
back on his head when the steam dispersed. He sighed. "Come on
boys! Let's go find a way to save these poor things." He bellowed
in his strange, crackling voice. He pointed the way out and they
filed up {Donald first of course} and marched out.
"We could be heroes!" Lewy said with excitement.
When the ducks had filed out, Donald ran back in and kissed Aloura
on the head. "I'll come back, don't worry sweetheart."
* * * * *
The light was muted in Sick Bay. Doctor Beverly Crusher bent over
the surgical table on which rested Jean-Luc Picard. In the light
reflected into her eyes, she registered ... confusion.
"His internal organs ... all different. His stomach is smaller.
His skin is smooth, like a coat of paint ... "
"Wha'cha expect, Doc? He's a Toon ... for a little while,
anyways." Bugs leaned nonchalantly over the table and glanced over
the prone, unconscious humanoid form. "At least his head shines
better now. Elmer'd be jealous if he knew..."
They were interrupted by an agonized moan from the operating table.
"Oh-h-h," Picard muttered. He blinked, shook his head, and looked
down at his body. A moment of shock registered in his face, to be
quickly replaced by a mask of composure. "So -- it seems I did not
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dream it ... becoming a Borg ... then a cartoon character."
"That's about the size of it, Johnny ... or would you rather I
call you Lucy?" Bugs cracked a grin at the Captain.
Picard smiled back. Then, his smile broke and he grunted with a
twinge of pain. "Ohh, tell me one thing, Mister Bunny..."
"Make it Bugs, Doc."
"Bugs, I understand what you did, and I AM grateful. But, the
legends say that Toons are almost indestructible."
"Almost is the woid for it. But you know about dat Super-Dip
stuff."
"But, if that is so, why do I feel so damnable much pain? Ohh..."
Bugs lowered his voice. "Just 'cause we don't get destroyed don't
mean we don't feel pain, Boss. You ever get run t'ru the chest
wit' a sword?"
"As a matter of fact, yes..." Picard replied.
"How 'bout runnin' into a wall at fifty miles an hour? Gettin'
crushed by a ten ton weight? Just 'cause we can bounce back
doesn't mean we ain't stretchin' our ink-paint-and-energy bods outa
shape. It hoits just as much as if you did it. Maybe woise,
because we know it'll happen again and again."
Picard screwed up his forehead in puzzlement. As an inexperienced
Toon, he overdid it, and had to use both his hands and Bugs's to
unscrew his forehead and make it lay flat. "If this is so, you
must be suffering pain all the time. Very much like my Chief
Engineer, Geordi, and his VISOR. Except your pain..."
"Yeah, it's a lot woise," Bugs said.
"Then how on earth can you joke and entertain and produce
laughter?"
"'Cause if we didn't, dere'd be no way to make the pain go away,
and den we'd be really messed up." Bugs bent over and whispered to
Picard. "Hey, don't let on, okay? It'd make people feel real bad
about laughin' at us, and dat's the only t'ing we got goin' for us.
Okay?"
"You have my word," Picard said.
"I guess, when you finally get well, you won't wanna stay a Toon no
more, right?"
168 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Yes, indeed. And..." Picard cleared his throat -- the Toon way,
by opening his mouth and shoving his arm down his throat. When
done, he continued. "And, Bugs, may I say you and your Toons show
a level of courage few humans could ever match."
Bugs grinned. "Of course, Boss. Why d'ya think it's the Klingons
dat love us so much?"
* * * * *
"I sense that the Captain must remain a short while in his Toon
state," Troi said moodily, "until he has completely re-integrated
himself."
"Thank you, Counselor," Picard said, "but I just said something to
that effect myself. But now that I'm conscious and free of the
Borg, thanks to so many friends, we need to collect ourselves and
plan some reasonable strategy. Um, the conference room is too
small...," He touched a comm patch near the table. "Guinan..."
"Hello, Captain. Glad to see you back." The
bartender/philosopher's voice was ecstatic.
"Yes, Guinan, we need to have a lot of room, and a lot of
beverages. Can you set up a podium in Ten-Forward?"
"Certainly. Give me and my staff five minutes. Oh, Captain, I
understand you're in Toon form..."
"That's quite right..."
"Have you considered having the animators giving you some hair
while you're still a Toon?"
Before Picard could answer, Bugs said, "Y'know, I did dat once wit'
Elmer. It came up as pretty red flowers on his head..."
"I think nature should take its course, Guinan. See you there
soon." Although temporarily a Toon, Picard was still all-business.
He glanced around the room, and began giving orders.
But Bugs stood still in the corner. His eyes opened almost as wide
as when he performed the drastic "wild take" called the Clampett
Corneal Catastrophe. He recovered, and muttered to himself, "Drat
it, I completely forgot! All of us are back here, I t'ink --
except for Elmer, and he's still in dat Borg shape called Wocutus!
Oh, brudder, what am I gonna do?"
* * * * *
Shelby and Riker stood in Holodeck 1, preparing a larger conference
room for the Toons' return.
If Riker said "left", Shelby said "right". He had the computer
create a round table and she changed it to oval. He requested
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chairs for the toons and she changed them all to chairs with arms.
Just when the acting Captain could take no more, he heard Picard's
voice on the comm link. The meeting would take place in
10-Forward, not the Holo-deck. Relieved to hear Jean-Luc's voice,
but still mindful of his ever-presnet need to show Shelby her
"place", Riker had the computer clear the program. The two were
about to leave the room when two new toons entered.
"You there! Bellhop! Coom an'get me bags!" Shouted an elderly
duck in a top hat and spats.
"Gee, Mr. McD, there are sure a lot of bellhops here," added his
companion, a taller and rather goofy looking duck.
"We're not bellhops. I'm Captain William Riker of the Starship
Enterprise. This is Commander Shelby," he added as an aside.
"An I'm Scrooge McDuck, the richest duck in the world. This is
Launchpad McQuack, m'pilot. Have ye seen three little boy ducks?
They all look alike except for the color of their clothing," the
elderly duck asked.
"Uncle Scrooge?"
A timid call came from just outside the door, and a little girl
duck in pink peeked inside.
"Webby, stay in the hall," Scrooge ordered. He never gave her, or
any other female, credit for having a brain.
Riker commanded the computer to scan the ship for the duckling
trio. The computer coolly replied that the boys had been on board,
but had beamed over to the Borg ship.
"I'm sorry, Mr. McDuck," Shelby said in as comforting a voice as
possible. "All the toons are beaming back aboard as we speak,
though, and perhaps your boys are with them."
"Curse me kilts! I knew I should have kept an eye on them..."
Scrooge's thoughts were interrupted by a sight he found most
wondrous. In the doorway, framed by the hall lights, was the
figure of a man. A gold man.
"Gold..." Scrooge breathed...
"Sir," Data told the elderly duck, "I am not gold."
But it was of no use. Scrooge had already entered the first stages
of gold fever. As he stared at Data, mentally figuring his weight
in troy ounces, a light sweat broke out on his brow.
170 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Webby waited patiently in the hallway, observing everything with
interest. Contrary to Scrooge's belief, she was possessed of a
keen and nimble mind, on a par with Wesley Crusher's, and was
starting to get tired of being treated like a little bit of
fluff...
Guinan took an informal roll call as the toons began filing into
10-Forward. As the last few wandered in, she read the list again.
Someone was missing, she was certain, but who?
* * * * *
Babs Bunny grabbed a carrot stick from the garnish tray, and was
suprised to bump into a solid-black hand with a gold bracelet. She
looked up and gasped.
"Minnie Mouse!" she gasped. "Um...hi, I'm..."
"Babs Bunny, no relation," Minnie smiled, and calmly shook Babs's
paw. "Nice seeing you youngsters here."
"When did you pop on board?" Babs scratched her head -- with one
of her flexible ears. "I don't recall seeing you around..."
"Well, you know how it is, being related to a corporate symbol --
if you thought Disney's empire was big back in the 90's, you should
see what he has now..." The mouse adjusted the bow in her hair and
nibbled delicately on a wedge of Cheddar.
"By the way," Babs said, "I want you to know I'm terribly sorry
about that book..."
"That book?" Minnie's eyes opened wide, wider than most Disney
Toon eyes were permitted to open. "That BOOK? Don't even get me
started about it..."
Babs shrugged, and looked away in despair. "I'm afraid I already
have..."
"That Kelly Kitty was wrong about me! I never had Droopy come to
the back door of Cinderella's Castle! And even if I did...it was
just lunch, not anything disgusting! And I never told Mickey how
to run the company. I might have just suggested some boosts in the
ticket prices, but nothing more! And that business with Kermit --
I never said anything nasty about that pond-puddler..."
Babs reached into her Back Pocket -- that interdimensional portal
hidden in the rear leg of every Toon for prop storage - and brought
out her Acme Husband and Date Tamer. With a swing that would have
done Macinroe proud, she swung the heavy iron skillet unerringly
down on Minnie's head.
As little ticket stubs and tourist dollars twirled in orbit around
her head, Minnie muttered, "Thanks! I needed that."
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
* * * * *
"Come on boys, this way!" Donald shouted. He turned around and
walked backwards so he could talk to them better. "It's so good to
see you boys. When this is done, we can go pick up Uncle Scrooge
and the others and go home. Daisy will be happy too. I think she
has missed you almost..." But the boys were not listening nor
where they following. But Donald just backed up blindly.
{THUD} "D*mn wall!" Donald mumbled. "Turn left!" He shouted, but
was suddenly picked up off of the ground by a big hand that had
taken hold of his collar.
"You will not fight. Resistance is futile. Individuals are
irrelevant." Droned the hollow voice that belonged to one large
borg.
"Squawawawawawawa!!! Was all that Donald said as he struggled to
get loose. He looked at his nephews. They where frozen from fear,
as if they were statues. "Let go! LET GO!! You are wrinkling my
suite!!!"
"Wrinkles are irrelevant." Once again droned the hollow voice as
it pointed its handless arm at the squirming duck.
"NOoooooo!!!!" The duck responded. Donald fumbled in his pockets
that where not there for his phaser. FOUND IT!
He set the phaser and fired. The borg turned pitch black, then
fell on its back. The only problem was that, when the borg fell
onto the floor, Donald fell through the borg's now black body. A
loud scream floated back to the boys.
A loud {{{CRASH}}} was heard from deep within the borg.
The boys lost there fear and ran to the borg on the floor.
"Wooooo!!!" Dewy said when he saw it.
"What happened to it?" Whispered Hewy.
"I don't know." Said a bewildered Lewy.
What they really saw was the "figure" of the borg. It was engulfed
in blackness. It had no features. It was a strange sight indeed.
"Well, it kinda looks like an Acme Portable Hole."
"But Dewy! They don't come that big, do they?"
"I guess it's an Extra Large Portable Hole, Hewy. But there's only
one way to find out." Dewy took off his cap and tried to put it on
the borg. Once he let go, the cap fell through. "Well, it's a
172 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
hole al'right."
"But Uncle Donald 's in there." whispered Lewy, "Where would it
lead?"
"Uh...you guys?" said Hewy. "I don't think that Uncle Donald is
safe down there." Dewy and Lewy looked sharply at Hewy. "I mean,
down there all alone, all by himself. He might be hurt. He might
need us!" A broad smile split the three beaks.
"We could always say that 'We tripped!'" Dewy said with a sly
smile.
Hewy stuck out his orange leg and grinned. "Well you DID say
'Tripped' so you would be telling the truth."
Lewy ran and tripped over the leg and fell in with a scream. Then
Dewy ran, tripped over the leg, but he grabbed Hewy as he fell in.
{{{{{(((((THUD)))))}}}}}
"Ooph!" The boys groaned at the same time. Too bad they never
learned how to fly.
It seemed that they had just fallen one floor. But on this floor,
there was bits and pieces of mechanical parts all over the floor.
They found Donald looking at something huge that a huge pair of
bright sneakers on. Donald herd the noise as the boys fell and was
now looking at them.
"Uh...hi Uncle Donald!" Dewy said as he brushed himself off. "We
just tripped through that..." But he was cut off.
"Uncle Donald what is that thing?" Lewy said as he came up behind
Dewy.
Hewy stood besides Donald and said, "Aw come on Lewy! I know what
it is. It's an 'Aquack-quack'. You know? From the movie 'Duck
Wars'. It walkes on two legs, and has some cannons to shoot the
'Egg Troopers' with. But this one has red shoes on."
"Oh now I remember! But I was from 'Return of the Birdi'."
But Dewy shook his feathered head, while picking up his lost cap.
"You both are wrong. It's from 'The Empire Flaps Back'!"
"OOoooohhhhhhh....." Was the response.
"But just look, boys! We can save the children in this!"
"I don't know, Uncle Donald. It looks a bit beat up."
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"But we can fix it Lewy! With all of you help we can get this
working."
* * * * *
The bonging from Minnie's head attracted the attention of Daffy for
a moment. But only for a moment. He was engrossed in a one-way
conversation with another duck, a white, frilly, feminine duck.
The conversation was one-way, since the normally domineering Daffy
couldn't wedge a word into the conversation of Daisy Duck.
"...And so, what should happen that I find myself running down the
corridor of this strange ship? And I think I spot a little
teenaged duck down the corridor, and I yell 'Duck!', you know,
trying to get her attention, and everybody bends down but her! Now
I'm normally used to that terrible gag..."
"Sheesh," Daffy thought to himself. "And I just wanted to make
some pleasant conversation until this shindig begins. Serves me
right..."
"...and with this snooty, Southern California voice, she says, 'Get
crucified', or something like that, 'like, I'm not a duck, I'm a
loon!' Well, the nerve of that youngster! I've been around for
years, you know. I was one of the first talking females in the
Disney stable! Of course, I didn't need dialogue ... we had faces
then. Anyway, this little loon..."
Daffy glanced up at a familiar grey figure walking up the aisle.
He grabbed Bugs's fur, stretching it slightly, and gasped in
desperation, "Bugs! Bugs, ol' buddy, ol' pal! SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME
NOW!"
Then, Daffy (who was not as insensitive as his performing persona
seems to be) noticed the distracted, troubled look on his face. In
a lot less exuberant voice, Daffy said, "Hey, Bugs, what's wrong?
You haven't looked this bad since Mel Blanc died..."
"Almost as bad, Daf, almost as bad." Bugs sounded hurt. "Elmer's
still a Borg. And he's over there."
Daffy's expression went slack. Through thick and thin, through
hunter plots and farmer plots, Elmer had been a friend and foil to
them both. In fact, Elmer was already working at Warner as an
extra when Bugs made his debut.
"Don't worry, Bugs. We've got a lot of talent in this place. I'll
get Porky, maybe some of the Tiny Toons ..."
"Naw, Daf."
"Okay, how about some of those 'Disney Afternoon' guys? I think I
saw that Baloo guy in the back ..."
174 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Naw, you don't unnerstand." Bugs's Brooklyn accent started
reappearing, showing his depression was lifting -- slightly. "I
owe him dis one. He got zapped into dis Borg state 'cause I sent
him into da brig. I gotta get him out -- all by myself."
Daffy looked up with true respect at Bugs. "Pal," he said, "you
deserve to be the head Warner Toon. Just one thing..."
"Yeah?"
A tongue ran along the edge of Daffy's bill. "You want me to take
care of your Oscar for you?"
* * * * *
"CRETINS! IDIOTS! TROGLODYTES! TELEVANGELISTS!"
Monty, Marvin, Soupy, and White Fang and Black Tooth stood in the
middle of the Grand High Borg's office, shuddering with each
epiphet that the highest-up of the Borg hierarchy threw at them.
Not that they could see him too well, for he was hidden in the
shadows that were so common aboard the Borg ship. But they could
well make out his outline and size from his tone of voice -- and it
was pretty ominous, to say the least.
"We were doing so well - so well!" the GHB continued on to his
captive audience. "We were ahead of schedule in conquering and
obliterating the universe -- and then we had to run into that
Federation Starship!"
The GHB whirled and looked malevolently at the motley group before
him. "And I thought I had a real team that could do well! And I
find that all you have really accomplished was to rise to your
level of incompetence!"
Now clasping his hands behind his back, the GHB walked back and
forth and pondered the situation before him. Suddenly...
"Soupy", he finally said, "I want you to take White Fang and Black
Tooth and go onto the Enterprise. Take a number of your dip-pies
with you, and try and obliterate as many of the staff of the vessel
as you can -- including all senior officers and toons!"
"But, your Grand High Borgness", protested Soupy, "How will I get
aboard the ship? What with the recent victory by the toons in
recapturing the Locutus unit and restoring him, they're bound to be
heavily guarded - and now ..."
The GBH said nothing, but twiddled a few dials on his desk and
looked into a large monitor.
"Ahhh - there's our solution", he said. " According to this scan
that I have made of the Enterprise vessel, the best way will be to
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
go into the area that is called by the occupants its "Holodeck".
By appearing inside this area, it should be a cinch to overpower
any security personnel outside of it and make your way towards
where they all seem to be gathering".
He looked hard at Soupy. "Well, don't just stand there - get a
move-on! And don't come back unless you're successful!"
With that, Soupy and the two feline-types turned and left the room.
"And now, you two," the GHB directed to Monty and Marvin. "Since
they seem to be planning to be making some sort of attack on us,
this is what I want you to do..."
* * * * *
The doors to 10-Forward slid open. Riker entered with Worf and
Geordi; a few moments later, Data appeared, followed by two ducks.
The elderly duck seemed to be taking Data's measurements and was
muttering something about a money bin.
As the toons settled into chairs, Guinan pushed a button on the
bar. A panel in the wall slid aside to reveal a viewscreen. The
lights dimmed.
Picard entered, not too steadily, and took his place at the
impromptu poum.
"Let us quickly review what we have learned," the former Locutus
said. An image appeared on the screen. A few toons booed.
"This is Montana Max," Data began. "We have learned that he is
league with the Borg in an attempt to gather all wealth on Earth
for himself. We believe he was recruited by..." (the image
changed) "...the Supreme Borg, formerly Soupy Sales, star of a
children's television show circa 1960. Mr. Sales once perpetrated
a practical joke wherein he persuaded children to send him all the
money in their mother's purse. He was assimilated by the Borg
along with his companions White Fang and Black Tooth. And this..."
As the image changed to show a shadowy figure, many toons gasped in
horror.
"...is the Grand High Poobah Borg. This shadow is the only image we
have."
* * * * *
The toons set up a murmur. In the corner, the animators spoke up.
"That form looks awfully familiar," Chuck called out. "If we could
only send a spy over, we could find out what casts that shadow."
"No," Picard boomed. "No more trips to the Borg ship. It's too
dangerous."
176 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"I could fly over with my Beanie Copter," Beanie offered.
"Give me a shuttle," Launchpad chimed in.
"I said no," Picard admonished.
"I'm pretty boxy," Fred Flintstone (who had been strangely silent
until that moment) noted. "You could fold me into a paper airplane
and fling me -"
"I said NO!" Picard thundered. The room fell silent; everyone
stared at the Captain. Picard pressed his hands to his forehead.
"Forgive me. I'm not quite myself. Again, it's too dangerous for
any of you to go. You're too easily detected."
The toons settled into a sullen silence, believing that the battle
was finally and irrevocably lost.
After a few minutes, one voice pierced the quiet.
* * * * *
"Um, like, I can project my aura over to the cube," Shirley
whispered.
Bugs swept her up and gave her a huge wet kiss. "You beautiful
doll! I love you, I adore you --"
"Wow, like get crucial," Shirley replied. She arranged herself
into a lotus position and began her mantra.
"Oh what a loon I am, oh what a loon I am..."
To everyone's delight, a gossamer carbon copy of the chanting
Shirley soon wafted up from her body. The corporal version opened
her eyes. "So, like, go gleam the cube and get a shot of the Grand
High, 'kay?"
The aura nodded and took off like a shot, disappearing through the
front window of the lounge.
Meanwhile, over on the Borg ship...
* * * * *
Soupy, White Fang and Black Tooth were painting their Borgl parts
in bright cartoon shades. They planned to make the crossover onto
the Enterprise's holodeck as defectors, and thought the
brightening-up would make their story more credible.
Each checked their dip-pie-filling-dispenser device. All were
full.
Suddenly, they felt something pass by them, like a swift cold wind.
They looked around -- nothing. Soupy shrugged and they continued
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
their work.
The Grand High Poobah Borg swiveled his chair sharply to face the
viewscreen on the wall.
There, like a beacon, was the image of the cursed Enterprise. the
only thing that stood between him and complete domination of the
Earth.
Enraged, the GHPB slammed his fist on the armrest. It sprang back
up and hung limply in midair, entangled in one of the many wires
that extended from somewhere past the ceiling to his extremities.
The GH cursed quietly and began to untangle himself. He was
distracted by a sudden flash of light. Half-blinded, he could
barely make out the sketchy form of a female waterfowl, hovering in
midair, pointing a box that said "Transcendental Instamatic" at
him.
The figure zipped around, taking flash photos of him from many
different angles, causing him to see nothing but spots. Then, as
suddenly as it came., it was gone.
Montana Max strode down the hall, a squad of the deadliest Borg
trailing behind. At the sight of Shirley's spirit, he stopped
short; the Borg fell over each other trying to stop themselves.
"You idiots! Stop that aura!"
Following his order precisely, the Borg took after the aura,
unfortunately they had to stampede over Max to do so. Newly
flattened, he drifted gently down to the next level of catwalks,
and reinflated just in time to be trampled by his squad of Borg
travelling in the other direction.
Shirley's aura streaked this way and that, zig-zagging down
hallways and through doors. To be polite, she held the first door
open for the Borg dsquad. They were kind enough to hold the next
door open for her. This went on for 5 more doors, until the aura
held open an escape hatch. The Borg squad ran blindly through,
falling into space.
Max stared at the spectacle from an upper level. "Double doggone!
It's so hard to get good help these days."
Shirley's aura thumbed her beak at him and zipped back to the
Enterprise.
* * * * *
Bugs looked at the zoned-out Shirley. Normally, she could speak
and work independently from her Aura (just as the legendary Ronald
Reagan could speak independently from reality), but in this case,
no one wanted to risk her sanity or integrity by waking her.
178 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
There was nothing to do until she got back, and Bugs started
looking around the conference room. He started thinking. There
was something distinctly wrong here ...
"Carrot juice?" came a voice at his back. Bugs was so lost in
thought that he jumped to the ceiling.
"Oh. Sorry. I didn't imagine that you'd be so sensitive." Guinan
stood there, a half-smile on her face, holding out a tray carrying
a large glass of carrot juice. Bugs recovered, took the juice, and
sipped.
"Oh, t'anks, Guinan. Sorry, I'm spooked. Dere's somethin' weird
in here ...
"Oh. Could it be...there's someone missing? Besides Wocutus, that
is."
"Wocutus? How didja know ..." Then, Bugs recalled what Riker told
him about this unusual woman with the Proctor-Silex Steam Iron
hats. "Nevvah mind. Yeah, dere's somebody missin', and I can't
codgertate it..."
"Possibly this may give you a hint?" She picked up a black feather
from the floor and handed it to Bugs.
"Black feathah, lemme see ..." Bugs looked at the feather, rolled
it around in his hands, and then, looked at his hands. He scowled,
he thought, a smirk crossed his lips. He turned to Guinan with the
sweetest smile he could manage. "Um, Guinan...might you happen to
have a bar rag an' a bottle a' cleanin' solvent nearby?"
Now Guinan smirked. She held out a rag and a bottle of "Ol' Targ",
a volatile Klingon liquour. "This should work," she said.
"T'anks." Bugs, in his inimitable ambling style (which he had
derived, centuries ago, from the walks of guys like Bob Hope and
Jack Benny) slowly, slowly walked up behind Daffy Duck and
whistling.
Daffy was speaking intently to Scooby-Doo and Shaggy about how they
completely misunderstood the Warner hierarchy. "Sure, that Bugs is
listed at the top, but he's just a front man. You oughta know
about the pecking order at the big old- line studios." He bent
over and whispered. "Even though you guys are TV toons, and mostly
for the little goslings, I think you're pretty cool, so you should
be able to handle this..."
"Hey, like, far out, man! Right, Scoob?" Shaggy elbowed Scooby.
"Reah, reah!" mouthed the Great Dane. "Rike Randrew Rice Ray!"
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"Well," Daffy whispered, "they've got this old saying back at our
corner of the studio, Termite Terrace...'It's not who you know, but
who you -- BUGS!" Daffy smiled broadly, a rather difficult task
when being hauled up by the scruff of the neck by a
very-much-taller rabbit. "Y'know, I was just talking about you,
ol' buddy, ol' pal..."
"Yeah. Hey, uh, Daffy, I brung ya some a' your favorite hooch..."
"Hooch? For me? Gee, thanks, Bugs, you're a -- gloob, gloob,
gloob --" The rest was drowned out, as Bugs poured the bottle of
"Ol' Targ" over Daffy's head. It flowed slowly down his body ("Ol'
Targ" has a specific gravity approaching that of wet concrete), and
Bugs started rubbing Daffy briskly with the rag. Soon the rag was
turning black, and Daffy was turning -- green.
"Plucky Duck." Bugs was all Acme Looniversity Principal now, and
the duck trembled in his grasp.
180 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CHAPTER 9
"Gee, uh, Bugs, uh, Teach, uh, sir, I just wanted to get a little
closer to the front, and since my mentor wasn't around..."
"I shoulda known oilier," Bugs muttered. "Daffy talks wit' a
frontal lisp, you speak wit' a lateral lisp. I was wonderin' how I
talked ta you so long wit'out gettin' sprayed..."
"Gee, Teach," Plucky said, "you're not mad, are ya?"
As a response, Bugs calmly, easily crumpled up Plucky into a ball,
caught the attention of Buster and Babs, twirled the spherical
green duck like a Harlem Globetrotter, and spiked the duck into the
young rabbits's laps like a vollyball.
Shaggy and Scooby immediately did one of their famous "Yike" takes
and split to a far corner of the room.
With an audible "gling", Shirley's aura returned. It circled the
room twice, just for effect, then entered the computer system
through the comm panel.
A few moments later, it reappeared and re-integrated with Shirley's
corporeal being.
"Like, that was totally cosmic," Shirley murmured upon her
awakening.
"Was your aura able to identify the Grand High?" Picard asked.
"No, but, like, there are some snaps in the computer. Gold Guy,
why don't you access them, or some junk?"
Data was able to access the images without difficulty. The image
flashed on screen in soft focus, while the memory banks attempted
to make a match for identification. When the image at last came
into focus, the assembled toons gasped in horror.
"Holy cow," said Huckleberry Hound, "it's Howdy Doody!"
As the impact of his words sunk in, the crowd fell into silence,
shocked that the lovable marionette would have turned to a life of
evildoing. Some wept openly. Those with hats removed them, held
them over their hearts, and bowed their heads in shame.
Worf looked quizzically at the animators. In hushed tones, they
explained that a toon-turned-bad had a direct effect on all other
toons -- that of shaving a few years off their existance, and that
a marionette was counted as a toon.
Worf nodded, that precept, of course, was so much like Klingon
beliefs. He noticed that some of the older toons had faded, just a
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
little, into sepia tones.
Data stared at the viewscreen, shifting his glance back and forth
from the stock image of Howdy to the snapshot of the Grand High.
Back and forth, back and forth, comparing, contrasting...
"Sir," he said to Picard, "from what I can surmise, this is not
Howdy Doody."
"Are you sure, Doc?" Bugs' colors had begun to sharpen with the
mere hope of Howdy's unsullied virtue.
Data ordered the computer to run all stock images of anything
resembling Howdy or the Grand High. As they flew by at
android-comprehension speed, the toons clung to the last shreds of
hope. Finally, Data spoke.
"I am certain, Captain, that the Grand High Poobah Borg is not
Howdy Doody. It is, in fact, his prototype : Rudy Doody."
* * * * *
Now that their painted disguises were complete, Soupy, White Fang,
and Black Tooth went to the transporter pads, ready to beam down
into the holodeck.
"Soon we will infiltrate that little meeting of theirs that the
Grand High Borg has perceived, and revenge will be ours", he
chortled evilly. "They won't know what hit them!"
He turned and pressed a button on the side wall. Instantly the
transporter process began to take effect, dissolving their bodies
as they were broken down into binary information. Soon they were
nowhere on the Borg ship...
just as instantly, they reassembled inside Holodeck 1 of the
Enterprise.
"And now to work, my minions," said Soupy. "All we have to do is
find our way out of her..."
His words stopped dead as he surveyed the scene that he and his
canine coconspirators found themselves a part of -- if one could
call what looked like something out of one of Salvador Dali's worst
nightmares a scene. The landscape was a twisted network of plains,
valleys and ridges which ranged in colours from pinks to dusky
browns to checkerboard patterns. The sky itself was a light
fuscia.
But what also caught their eyes were the strange denisons of this
world. There were pencils being chased by pencil sharpeners, a red
rabbit on a swing suspended by its own ears, a small black duck
walking by a la Chuck Berry constantly repeating the words "mammy".
Analog watches standing around a water cooler swapping stories with
182 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
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their digital counterparts.
And those were the more rational looking characters.
"Something is very definitely wrong here!" shrieked Soupy.
"Where are we?"
"Like, you had to ask?" questioned a high-pitched gravelly voice.
Soupy and the dogs started and looked around, trying to find the
author of the query, but he was nowhere to be seen.
"Ah, c'mon fellas, I'm up here I am I am I am ," repeated the
voice.
The villains now looked up, and saw a very strange being. He
looked somewhat like a bird, with a light blue pear-shaped body and
a head roughly resembling a plumb bob, with what looked like one of
those umbrellas from a cocktail sprouting from it. He was standing
right over them -- upside down.
"I'm Gogo Dodo -- pleased to meet me!" the denizen cooed at them,
as he pulled out a mallet and hit himself over the head. He split
into several miniature replicas of himself, which began to shake
hands with each other before reforming into his original shape.
"Welcome to Wackyland!"
* * * * *
Riker sat in thought as the meeting progressed, as different
opinions on the situation -- and the revelation of the identity of
the Grand High Borg -- were tossed around between toon and senior
officers alike as to how to best approach the problems before them
: namely, how to get Elmer off the ship, and how to ultimately
defeat the Borg. But it was still a stalemate, with the toons
wanting to attack, and Picard refusing to allow such action due to
its dangerousness.
Suddenly, something snapped into his mind...
"D*mn," he thought. "Shelby and I left the holodeck running -- and
what with that faulty glitch in the computer, something else might
happen..."
* * * * *
"...so there I was", Gogo explained to his new audience, "mindin'
my own business fishing in the Stream of Consciousness, when all of
a sudden a heard a strange POP, and the next thing you know, I find
myself in this large empty room, with this strange voice welcoming
me and asking me to pick the enviroment of my choice. So
naturally, I decided that if was going to be staying in this place
for awhile I might as well have the comforts of home, so I had the
voice whip up an ersatz version of Wackyland".
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Gogo stretched his legs one at a time, by pulling on them and
letting them go with a SNAP. "And there you have it", he finished.
"Didn't do a bad job, either, although the sky could use a little
more lavender..."
"So", thought Soupy, "we are in the Holodeck area! This is just
wonderful! The plan is going ahead on schedule! But now we have
to get rid of this pesky thing".
"Well, what would you like next", asked Gogo. "A guided tour?
Dinner? Would you like to come upstairs and see my Warhols?"
"No, dinner would be fine", said Soupy. "And, I would like to
provide part of the menu for you".
"Oh goody", squeaked Gogo. He pulled under his chin, and a lobster
bib unrolled over his torso. "So, what are we having?"
Giving the signal to White Fang and Black Tooth, the three pulled
their dip- pie throwers from their person.
"YOUR JUST DESSERTS, VERMIN - WE'RE TAKING OVER!" snarled Soupy.
"Oh boy, a food fight - though I would prefer a foo fight myself,
but I can live with this..."
"FIRE!"
The three villains aimed and fired. Gogo quickly jumped and dodged
the deadly pies, then looked back as they hit their unattended
targets -- a tree, an ambulatory eyeball, and a bathtub filled with
brightly-coloured power tools -- and watched them wither into
puddles.
His beady eyes narrowing into slits, Gogo stared at the three.
"Oho, home wreckers, huh -- well, it looks like it's mashed potato
time! Denizens of Wackyland -- ATTACK!"
Before they knew what hit them, the three villains were ambushed
from behind by a huge hammer, which pummeled them into the soft
earth up to their eyebrows.
A giant watering can now hovered over them and spilled its contents
over the three. There was a rumbling sound - and then Soupy and
the dogs popped out of the ground, with leaves and flowers rapidly
growing out of the chinks in their armour.
"!@$#%$^&*(*&( TOON!" swore Soupy. "You'll pay for this..."
He was temporarily silenced as a humongous lipstick tube painted a
cupid's bow on his face -- which was followed by a king-sized set
of lips planting a wet one all over his countenace.
184 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"BLFTFTXC - darn smoker!" said Soupy as he wiped his face,
smearing the remnants of the lipstick all over him. "Just you
wait, you little dweeb -- when we get loose, we'll ..."
"And now for the coup de grace", said Gogo from his vantage point
of a chicken coop filled with nuns. He pressed a button on a small
Nintendo console that appeared magically in his hands.
Soupy, White Fang and Black Tooth, hearing an ominous sound behind
them, turned around -- just in time to see a giant Warner Brothers
shield come bearing down upon them.
"LET'S GET OUTTA HERE, BOSS!" yelled the stooges. All three
managed to loosen their feet from the soil's grip and began running
from the monolithic shield.
"Look, up ahead, THE EXIT!" yelled Soupy as he pointed at the
doors leading to the corridor. They made double time and made it
through right before the shield hit the frame of the door.
"Bye fellas - it's been surreal!" yelled Gogo after them.
* * * * *
Now panting for breath, Soupy and the mutts looked and noticed -
they were in the Enterprise proper!
"Good", chortled Soupy. "Other than that small inconvenience we
had back there, the plan is going ahead. Now all we have to do is
infiltrate that meeting, and then unleash our attack!"
"Yeah, ha ha, unleash, that's..."
Soupy stared at White Fang and Black Tooth. "What do you find so
amusing?" he shot back at them.
"Sorry, boss, that's a really funny pun, if you're a dog",
explained Black Tooth.
"Never mind", said Soupy, weary of all that had happened before.
"Let's get going -- and make sure your disguises are straight!
Remember, we're supposed to be toons -- and at least we fooled that
stupid dodo at first, so we know the plan will work if we act
quickly enough!"
With that, the three went in search of security personnel so they
could be directed to 10-F and the meeting. But as they disappeared
around the corner, the doors to Holodeck One, which were opened a
tiny bit, gaped wider...
Gogo looked out into the corridor - and gasped.
"Heavens to Man Ray", he gulped. "The THIRD DIMENSION! This is
something out of my worst nightmares!"
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He straightened up. "Well, real world or not, I'd better keep an
eye on those characters. They're up to no good, I betcha!"
Donning a mountie hat and Sam Brown, he began stalking the Borg
villains ...
"It was the greatest mistake in my life, creating Rudy Doody - and
I wish I never had".
Everyone in 10-F, toon and officer alike, were watching the old,
wizened figure in the buckskin explorers costume. Data had found
within the ships' computer a digitized copy of the memoirs of the
man in question, "Buffalo Bob" Smith, who had, along with his
marionette friend Howdy Doody, brought laughter and joy to
countless children in a bygone time. Data was now playing it as to
give everyone an idea of what it was that made the Grand High Borg
-- an entity that "Buffalo Bob" had created -- tick.
"I purposely tried to make Rudy as human as possible, so that he
would be able to interact with the children and not have to rely on
me and the producers of the show to pull all the strings", Bob
continued. "Therefore, I placed in his little wooden head many of
what I thought were the best aspects of humans. Unfortunately, I
made the mistake of placing human ambition and pride within him --
and began to reap the consequences".
The figure on the screen paused, then started again. "He began
arguing with me, insisting upon rewriting the scripts and inserting
his own lines. He would often arrive at the studio late, dressed
in black leather. During a pilot episode we were shooting, he lost
his temper and screamed at the kids to shut up or they would live
to regret it, then pulled out a gun and proceeded to pistol whip
Clarabelle the Clown."
"I got an assurance from him after that that he would try his best
to reform -- but I soon got a nastier shock. One day he
accidentally left a diary that he was constantly writing in in my
office after a meeting we had, and curious to see what a marionette
would write about in such a journal, snuck a peak. What he had
written had made my blood curdle : it was an open plan to foment
revolution by using brainwashing techniques through subliminal
messages to the children in the broadcasts, which would, as they
got older, cause them to subjugate their will to him, and
ultimately cause them to overthrow the governments of the world and
establish a dictatorship, with him as the puppet leader!"
"I knew I had to stop his evil plan, but how? I was afraid that
nobody would believe me, and besides, I had reason to believe he
was getting wise to me. And I couldn't just destroy him, he was
just as powerful as I was. "
"Buffalo" sighed. "Finally, I decided what I had to do. I had him
fly down to Florida with me, told him that we had to do some
186 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
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location shots for the series. That night, I snuck into his room
and chloroformed him, then I stuffed his body in the car and drove
under cover of darkness to Cape Canaveral. There I put him inside
an experimental rocket that Von Braun was going to shoot into the
atmosphere the next day. He did -- with Rudy inside. However, for
some reason, instead of staying in orbit the rocket tore away and
went headed straight for outer space!"
"When I got back to New York, I created Howdy in Rudy's image, but
without the personality problems or ambition -- and as you know,
the rest was history. But I wondered about Rudy. If that rocket
kept in one piece then Rudy will still be alive on it, and God have
mercy on any civilization or being who manages to run into him..."
* * * * *
Data raised an eyebrow. This all sounded ... familiar. He also
took comfort, or whatever he could most closely approximate to it,
in the fact that he was not the only creature in the universe with
an evil prototype.
"Hold it," Bugs shouted. Data dutifully stopped the playback.
"Look, Doc, maybe it's just me, but I can't get a handle on it."
The rabbit munched thoughtfully on a carrot. "Does this mean dat
Rudy Doody created da Borg, or just dat he led them here?"
"Or did they assimilate him to learn about humanity? Hmmmmm," Mr.
Peabody mused, "perhaps a trip in the Wayback Machine..."
* * * * *
"Hmmm, would that we had the time, Mr. Peabody." Picard stroked
his chin - and then, almost without thinking, he grabbed his chin,
pulled it out about a foot, and let it snap back. He winced as his
chin came back. He was right the first time, he thought. He really
didn't want to be a Toon.
"It seems to me that our priorities are clear. The only remaining
prisoner aboard the Borg ship is Elmer Fudd. He has been built
into a shape that looks like this." Picard pointed to the
viewscreen, where the chrome-accented face of Wocutus stared out in
a still hologram.
Picard pulled out a pocket pointer, which extended to a rod
approximately one meter long. He rapped the hologram still as he
spoke. "Although Fudd is considered by some as a villain, I
propose we canNOT (whap!) aBANdon him! (whap!) He is a TOON!
(whap!) much like I am now! (whap!) and I believe we canNOT
(whap!) aBANdon (whap) him!"
The hologram image winced with each whap! it received, finally to
fall out of its frame and collapse onto the floor, where it shook
and disintegrated into loose photons.
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"Now, after all the damage we have sustained, I can not permit a
large party to return to that ship until we are better prepared.
If we are to rescue Fudd, only one can go. Is there any among you
that dares be a sacrificial victim?"
Across the floor of Ten-Forward, there was hushed silence. Then,
from the front row, a familiar figure stood up.
"Dare be," Bugs said.
* * * * *
Wocutus stalked the catwalks of the Borg ship, scarcely recalling
that he was once a doltish Toon named Elmer Fudd.
He enjoyed the new intelligence coursing through his electronic
brain. The collective intellect of the Borg, all for one and one
for all, made everything else seem so ... iwwewevant.
He had just turned one of the ship's many corners when a noise
caused him to retrace his steps. It sounded again. Wocutus' eyes
widened.
A huge Borg-outfitted white stallion was gracefully galloping along
the upper pathway. It was the stallion's electronic whinny that
had drawn Wocutus' attention, but now his eye was drawn to a vision
that shook his Borgly soul.
Atop the stallion sat the epitome of cybernetic beauty, metallic
bra gleaming, blonde braids waving. Wocutus' thoughts stopped, and
since his stopped, all the other Borg froze in their steps to turn
and watch.
The stallion came to a halt inches from Wocutus' nose. The Venus
in sheet metal gazed down at him, long eyelashes fluttering,
emitting a sweet scent of WD-40. Wocutus got down on one knee and
held out his arms.
"Oh Borghilda, you're so wovewy..." he sang.
"Yes I know it, I can't help it," replied Borghilda, actually Bugs
in a cheezy disguise.
"Oh Borghilda, be my wuv!"
And within the collective intelligence of the Borg, that one note
rang over and over ... wuv was iwwewevant, but this ... this was
the goddess Borghilda!
Each and every Borg, male and female, young and old, felt their
head tilt to the left as they gazed off into the distance, a goofy
lovestruck smile crossing every metallic face...
* * * * *
188 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, at the back of 10-F there was a
the sound of a commotion.
"I'm sorry, sir, but you and your two friends can't come into this
meeting", said the burly security guard to the characters outside.
"But we must - we must!" yelled the figures outside. "There are
things that we must tell the Captain about the Borg!"
"What is going on out there, Expendable", asked Picard from his
position at the front of the room.
"Well, Captain", said security guard Expendable, "there are a
couple of toons out here who claim they came off the Borg ship
which I haven't seen before - nor are their names on the guest
list."
"Captain", interrupted the new being, "me and my friends were
prisoners of the Borg, but thanks to the pandemonium that ensued
during the rescue made on you we were able to give our captors the
slip, we have information on the Borg that will help you defeat
them -- you must let us into this meeting!"
Picard thought for a moment, then motioned for Babs and Buster to
come to his side. "Something within these newly tooned bones", he
whispered to the two rabbits and Riker, "tells me that there is
something rather strange about that character out there, how good
are you at identifying your fellow toons?"
"I think we're pretty good at it", said Buster.
"Contrariwise", said Babs.
"Good". Picard looked up and back at the entrance. "You can come
in", he said, "but stay at the back of the hall for the moment
until we have a good look at you".
With that, Expendable let the three "toons" -- for they were in
reality Soupy, White Fang and Black Tooth in disguise -- come into
10-F.
"Greetings, Captain Picard", said Soupy. "My name is Campbells
Purchase and these are my two sidekicks, Blanc Molar and Noir
Incisor. We we have information of the utmost importance regarding
the Borg!"
"Well, what do you think?" asked Picard to Babs and Buster again.
"I concur with your suspicions, Captain", said Babs. "I do
remember seeing him one time before - he seems AWWWWWWFULY
FAMILLLIAHR", she concluded in a Katherine Hepburn-style voice.
Chapter 9 189
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Yeah", said Buster, leafing through a book entitled WHO'S WHO IN
TOON TOWN, "but they're not listed anywhere in the book - not even
at any of the smaller studios - though they do look somewhat
Fleischerish. With your permission gentlemen, I'd like to perform
a few simple tests that will verify their toonness".
"You have my permission", said Picard. "Just be careful. Number
One", he turned to Riker, "better call in some more security, just
in case".
Buster scampered across the room to come face to face with his
disguised nemesis.
"Hiya, Campbells, old buddy, old pal, long time no see", he stated
in a friendly tone of voice as he slapped in on the back with some
force.
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaah!" yelled Soupy as he flew into a brick wall that
Babs pulled in front of his path.
"Strike One!" thought Buster. "A real toon would have gone have
flattened on impact, or had gone through the wall. Next test!"
"Sorry about that, old buddy", he said to Soupy. "Let me give you
a hand up. He extended his gloved hand to him.
As Soupy took his hand, he screamed in pain - as 200,000 volts
coursed through his body via the modified joy buzzer Buster
concealed there.
"Strike Two : if he were a real toon, his skeleton would have lit
up from the charge!", mused Buster. "Now the acid test!"
"Hey, Campbells, you look pretty woozy -- you'd better stand over
there while I get you a drink", he said, pointing to a large "X" on
the floor.
Soupy complied while Buster ran over to Guinan. "A bottle of that
"Old Targ" you served to Bugs a while back, Guinan", he said. "I
think we're going to have a coming out party."
Meanwhile, Soupy looked up and gasped -- a moment before the
steamroller fell on top of him.
"STRIKE THREE - you're OUTOUTOUTOUTOUT!" yelled Buster. "A
realtoon would have been crunched accordion style by such a thing
dropping on his head!"
He now poured the "Old Targ" on Soupy's head. The drink removed
the paint covering his face - to reveal...
"Why, SOUPY!" said Buster with some affection. "You're just a
Borg in cheap clothing!"
190 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Yes, it's me!" thundered Soupy as White Fang and Black Tooth
quickly removed the steamroller from on top of him. "And the
information I have regarding the borg is - RESISTANCE IS
FUTILE!"
The three villains pulled out their dip-pie-throwers and aimed at
the throng of toons and Enterprise personnel. "And believe us --
we don't miss at this range!"
"HALT OR I'LL FIRE!" yelled Expendable, brandishing his phaser as
he lunged at them.
White Fang quickly turned and fired a dip pie at Expendable. He
screamed as the pie, on impact, began to do its deadly work,
reducing him in seconds to a puddle of primordial soup.
"See how effective it is, Picard?" laughed Soupy. "There's no
escape this time from me, HAHAHAHAH!"
"Oh yeah?" yelled Plucky. "Well, try one on me for size, you sad
excuse for a kiddie show host!"
Everyone gasped at the fact that Plucky, who wasn't known for acts
of bravery other than ones where he couldn't get hurt, was
challenging the villains before him.
"INSOLENT TOON!" cried Soupy with rage. "You'll get what's coming
to you, all right - a DOUBLE PORTION! WHITE FANG - BLACK TOOTH!
REDUCE HIM TO DUCK PATE!"
"Yuu're making a big mistake, Soupy! You're not dealing with any
ordinary run of the mill duck!" shot back Plucky. "You're dealing
with the one, the only --"
He whirled around like a cyclone. When he stopped, he yelled
"TOXXXXIC REEEEEVENGER! Scion of chemical waste and evil doers
everywh..."
Plucky stopped. "Hey, wait a minute", he yelled, "where's my
special entrance effects? The wind, the lightning? And why am I
dressed in fishnet and lace, clutching a piece of toast and some
ric...?"
He went red. "Oooops, wrong costume, this is for Rocky Horror
night!" He whirled again, revealing himself again in a
super-hero's outfit.
"Once again, the one, the only, TOXXXIC REEEEVENGER..." he stopped
again. "Hey, where are my effects, I can't be a hero without
effects!"
No answer.
Chapter 9 191
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"Remind me to cancel my check to Industrial Light and Magic!" he
grumbled. "I'll have to do this myself!" With that, he walked
toward a giant fan behind him.
"Enough of these delays!" blazed Soupy to his minions. "FIRE!"
White Fang and Black Tooth each fired a pie at Plucky, who at the
same moment pulled a lever on the fan. It roared to life, creating
a hurricane force wind that stopped the pies in their trajectory,
then sent them right back to their source!
Soupy, seeing the pies coming towards him, quickly ducked.
However, the two dogs got it right in the face with their own
weapons.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WE'RE MELTING! WE'RE MELTING!" they screamed
their last words as they were reduced to a puddle of goo, a number
of buttons and two piles of felt, one black, one white.
"Hah! Hoisted by their own pie-tard!" badly punned Plucky. "All
in a day's work for the TOXXXXIC REVEN...."
"NOT SO FAST, DUCK!" screamed Soupy, brandishing his own weapon.
"You still have to deal with me! And remember, the same attack
doesn't work twice on us borg, so kiss your little duck butt
goodbye!" He aimed his weapon at Plucky.
Chuck ran in front of Plucky and shielded his body. "Enough of
this, you armoured anthropod!" he yelled bravely. "You'll have to
get through me first!"
"So I shall, as you were responsible for starting all this,
anyway!" Soupy smiled evilly as he fired.
The pie hit Chuck squarely in his chest. It oozed off with no
effect.
Everyone in the room gasped, except for the rest of the animators,
who grinned knowingly to each other.
"NOOOO! THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!" yelled Soupy, firing three more pies
at Chuck -- each proving equally as ineffective.
Dumbfounded, Soupy turned around and aimed the gun right at Guinan.
"Let's try it on another organic form this time and see what
happens!"
Suddenly, Soupy could feel himself being knocked forward by
something behind him -- the force was enough to make him drop his
weapon. He then felt himself being picked up by his legs and swung
upside down in midair. He manged to turn his head around , coming
face to face with his tormentor...
192 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Soupy could only scream "NOOOOO!"
"YESSSSS!" chortled back a 20 foot high Gogo Dodo. "Take
this, Mr. Bad Guy!"
With that, Gogo began to shake Soupy Sale's borg form in his hands.
Immediatlely, whatever weaponry was on Soupy's his person fell off
his body and into a pile on the floor : dip-guns, lasers,
blackjacks, dirks, Saturday Night Specials...
"ENOUGH!" yelled Soupy. "EEEEEEEEENOUGHHHH!..."
... crowbars, hammers, Arbitron books, subway tokens, a case of
the "NewCoke", a Brady Bunch coloring book and a kitchen sink --
and at that moment, Beverly Crusher stepped over the pile of junk
and injected Soupy with a heavy-duty sedative. "Take him to
Sickbay," she ordered. "Perhaps I can still save him..."
"That was too close, Doctor," Picard said as he strode forward.
Data lunged forward and took the Captain down with a neat tackle.
"I am sorry, Sir, but you almost stepped in the dip. Given your
current condition..."
"Hmmmm." Picard stood and began tugging on his tunic. "Quite
right, Mr. Data. I suppose I owe you a debt of gratitude."
Picard suddenly realized that he was tugging in new directions, in
new places, just for the comedic effect. He knew he could not
remain a toon much longer.
Meanwhile, back on the cube, The Grand High Poobah Borg (a.k.a.Rudy
Doody) was falling into a deep sleep.
It was a result of Elmer/Wocutus' current state of "wuv". Having
no "wuv" in his own being, Rudy could only nap, and dream, dream of
a long-ago journey into space. The walls started to undulate,
everything got real misty, and wavy -- it was a flashback ...
* * * * *
It was the same dream that Rudy always had -- back to the time when
he awoke and found himself not on the planet which he hoped to
conquer for his own, but onboard an experimental rocket that was
taking him far into the unknown depths of space.
After the expected rage over the nasty trick by Buffalo Bob had
finally passed, Rudy spent many days, weeks, years looking out the
window of the craft. Being a puppet, he had really no other
worries : no need to eat, he could sleep when he wanted -- he had
all the time in the world.
As time went on, he kept on looking, fascinated by the many planets
and solar systems that wizzed by. And he carefully kept notes on
the descriptions of how each planet looked. One of these days, he
Chapter 9 193
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
thought, I'll break free of this prison or find a way to turn it
around, and then you'll really see a conquerer! Why the earth was
only peanuts compared to the vast expanses of space. There was a
vast infinity of planets to visit -- to conquer -- to plunder -- to
make his and his alone. Those who would oppose him, if he couldn't
enslave them, he'd destroy them! Simple as that!
And then one day, something happened. There was a rumbling -- and
the spaceship was torn apart from a variety of forces that tugged
on it from all directions. Rudy was naked to the elements -- or
lack of them -- in deep space. And though he had no need of
oxygen, he had no way to scream either. Was this the end of his
grandious plans?
It was then that he met the entity -- the entity that changed his
life ...
* * * * *
Meanwhile...
Shelby was a little disturbed.
"This does not make sense!" she said. "How could a puppet, a
product of the 20th century, be responsible for the genesis of a
race like the Borg?"
Picard sat in his chair, his head in his hands. "That is what Mr.
Sales told me after he came under of the anesthetic after the
operation; which, by the way, Dr. Crusher considers a success.
And though it sounds impossible, I am inclined to believe him."
"But, how?" Shelby remonstrated. "According to my research the
Borg have existed for centuries, maybe millennia, before this
marionette was even conceived!"
"According to Mr. Sales, Commander," continued Picard, " Rudy once
told him that his ship passed through some sort of interdimensional
tear in space that ripped it apart and sent him adrift. It is
possible that he could have been thrust backwards into time far
enough so that he could have been able to create the concept and
execution of the Borg. But there was more to the story as well --
Rudy claimed that he met an entity -- an entity that was all-
knowing about the universe about him, who held a number of secrets
regarding life, death, and especially the construction, care, and
feeding of a machine technology. And that this entity melded with
him so that they became one in function and in goal. In a way, he
became the first Borg."
Shelby brooded on this a moment. "Yes, that makes sense , one of
the first things I wondered about when I saw the picture of Rudy
that Shirley's aura took was the fact that it was unlike anything I
had ever seen on any of the other Borg pictures I had studied. As
if it was some sort of prototype. But what kind of entity could
194 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
create such a fearsome creature out of a basically harmless little
puppet..."
"Harmless other than an insatiable lust for power and revenge",
said Riker.
"Perhaps", said Picard, "we'll never really know, but it probably
would help us so it could enable us to prevent the Borg from going
forward with their scorched-earth policy of conquering."
"Maybe we could know", interrupted Data.
Everyone turned to him.
"While we were getting together our bearings after the attck in 10-
Forward by Mr. Sales and his late associates, I took the liberty
of digitizing several of the pictures that the aura of Miss Loon
took of Mr. Doody and had the ship's computer make a
three-dimensional hologram model. I'm sure if we could study it we
may find some clues as to the origin of this entity -- if not its
identity".
"Yes, I'd be willing to see it", said Shelby, a grin qiuckly going
across her face, "with the captain's permission, of course".
"Time is of the element, and I would rather spend it concentrating
on getting Bugs and Elmer on the ship again and getting as far away
from the Borg ship as possible", said Picard. "However, I do see
how this could help us, permission granted."
Data turned to the computer. "Computer, open file
Borg/Doody", construct as 3-D lifesize hologram model".
A few seconds later, the model stood before them, looking even more
fearsome than the photograph. Shelby walked around it, slowly
examining it.
"For some reason, the armour on him seems to be of Terran origin.
It's unlike anything I've ever seen on any other Borg. Hello,
what's this?"
She was pointing at a small area on the back of the Rudy-model's
neck.
"It seems to be a plate of some sort, and the writing is in
English!"
Quickly Picard, Riker, Data, Worf, and Geordie crowded around to
where Shelby was pointing - and what they read astounded them. The
writing on the plate read ...
Chapter 9 195
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Hello. my name is NOMAD. If found, please return to
THE UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS
c/o CAPE CANAVERAL
FLORIDA, EARTH (TERRA)
Please write on box "ATTENTION DR. JACKSON ROYKIRK".
"Captain!" came a firm, urgent call over Picard's comm badge. In
fact, since it was now a Toon comm badge, a tiny Worf head popped
out of the badge and looked up at Picard. This made Picard wish,
very soon, to become human again...
"Captain, there is an object hurtling at sublight speed towards the
Enterprise. Sensors indicate that the object is made of ink and
paint."
"Display the object, if it is within visual range -- OW!" Picard
yelped as the miniature Worf head turned around, and his forehead
scraped the Captain's chest raw. Picard realized now what Bugs had
said about Toon pain ... and wished to become human even more.
The object appeared on the viewscreen. Beverly Crusher gasped
"Wesley!"
For it was her teenaged son, still in his Toon form, hurtling
towards the ship, along with Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius turned
Super Projectile, both of them pinned by acceleration to a gigantic
hunk of rock. Although there is no sound in space, the two were
obviously screaming their non-air-filled lungs out in terror...
"Track them and transport them aboard the Enterprise. Directly to
this conference room, if possible." Picard barked out the order
rapidly to the tiny Worf head.
"Directly, sir? Shall I..."
"NOW, Worf!"
The tiny head shrugged, and disappeared inside the comm badge.
Suddenly, the two forms materialized inside the ship, hurtling
directly towards Picard. Picard remembered too late that it took
additional programming time to compensate for kinetic motion while
beaming ... as the two bodies plowed into his own at approximately
450 miles an hour.
After they had recovered, and Picard managed to extract the two
Toon bodies from his stomach (which had stretched out from the
impact like the Marvel Comics character Mr. Fantastic) Picard
glared at Wesley.
"Well, sir, we managed to fall inside the gravity well of a planet,
and we decided we had to get back to the planet, so we constructed
196 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
a huge teeter-totter and dropped a rock off the cliff -- which got
us into the air, but we ran into some stretched telephone wires..."
"Never mind." Picard thought that Wesley's mode of speech was
approaching the annoyance level of Data's. "Wesley, you managed to
convert yourself into Toon form. Can you convert me back to human
form with the same process?"
"Sure, sir, but why..."
"Never mind. Just do it!"
* * * * *
Once again Wesley began concentrating, his hands clenched, his face
contorted, his eyes screwed up into slits. Within moments swirling
stripes began to appear on his and Picard's bodies, as they did
previous when their mortal forms were turned into toon forms.
But it didn't last. The effect stopped.
"I'm sorry sir", Wesley stammered, very disappointed. "The process
of changing one from one form to another takes quite a bit of
energy to accomplish, and with the event regarding the runaway
asteroid, I'm afraid it's taken all the energy out of me".
"That's all right, Wesley", said Picard. "I'm sure we'll find some
way to overcome the effects of our transformation later".
"Excuse me sir," interrupted Geordie, "but the computer has just
found a number of files in it regarding this thing called 'Nomad'.
"
"Very well, Mr. LaForge", said Picard. "Let's see if we can shed
some light upon what this being, or whatever it is, has to do with
Rudy Doody . Computer", he directed , "run all known files on
'Nomad'".
As everyone in the council chamber sat down in their seats, the
lights darkened -- and the information they needed began to flicker
on the screen as the computer's digitized voice read it out.
"NOMAD, a space probe developed by NASA in the 20th Century to
explore and to seek out new forms of life. Developed by a NASA
team under the supervision of Dr. Jackson Roykirk. Was one of the
first space probes that could translate its findings and beam back
to mission command in the form of human speech. Launched into
space in the late 1990s. Provided much valuable information before
it disappeared from NASA tracking devices three years later -
missing and presumed destroyed. End of File".
The computer paused for a few seconds. Then across its screen
appeared Starfleet History/NCC-1701/Kirk, James Tiberius/Captain's
Log
Chapter 9 197
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
The file opened, and a picture of the captain of the first
Enterprise appeared on the screen...
* * * * *
Meanwhile, aboard the Borg ship...
As Bugs and Elmer danced their pas-de-deux, with the rest of the
Borg dreamily swooning along, the former was thinking.
It really had come in handy, this disguise -- and Bugs had been
lucky enough to had gotten the metal underwear (or was that
underware?) from that big garage sale Madonna held -- but it was
beginning to get somewhat cramped in there. And besides, the
charade really couldn't last much longer - all he was waiting for
was for Elmer/Wocutus to make the move to kiss him, and then WAMMO!
The moment came. Wocutus wrapped his borgly arms around Bugs' trim
waste and leaned over, ready to kiss him...
... and as fate would have it, as it always did, the metal funnel
that Bugswas wearing fell off, revealing his prominent ears.
Wocutus started for a moment. Then, realizing what was going on,
he dropped Bugs.
"YOU!" he raged, his countenance scowling, steam rising from the
chinks in his armour.
Bugs grinned. "I must say Wocutus, you dawnce divinely!" He
planted a big kiss on the toon Borg's lips, then picked up the
funnel and jammed it tightly over Wocutus' features. Then he began
running.
Wocutus placed his hands on the funnel and with a deft jerk removed
it.
"I'LL KIWW THE WABBIT!" he screamed loudly.
"WE'LL KIWW THE WABBIT!" his fellow borg-brethren screamed along
with him in unison.
"FEWWOW BORG, FOWWOW ME!" Wocutus replied. "ARM YOURSEWVES WITH
THE BEST KIWWING TECHNOLOGY! WASERS! PHASERS! PHOTON CANNONS!
PWOTON APPENDAGES! "
198 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CHAPTER 10
And back aboard the Enterprise...
"That certainly explains a lot about the Borg", said Picard at the
conclusion of the ship computer's presentation.
"For instance, the fact that the modified version of Nomad was able
to reconstruct things that it inadvertantly destroyed, as Kirk
mentioned in the incident regarding his chief engineer's run-in
with Nomad. This can explain why the Borg were able to repair
their ship so rapidly on our first encounter with them."
"As well, there is the capability it showed to modify itself, after
the original probe had its run-in with the Tan-Ur probe. It was
able to modify itself to adapt to its enviroment, but at the same
time, it merged its databanks with Tan-Ur and mixed up its
directives as a combination of the two".
"I see," said Riker. "So let me gat this straight : there was a
possibility that when Nomad exploded, as a result of the brilliant
logic that Captain Kirk used to convince the probe to destroy
itself since it couldn't justify meeting its own criteria, that its
logic banks were not totally destroyed. The logic banks would
float around in space until it came upon the time rift that sucked
in and destroyed Rudy's ship, get sucked in itself..."
"Find Rudy, and merge with him, mixing up his criteria with that of
the ideas and directives with those of Nomad", concluded Shelby.
"It makes sense, after all, the Borg see us as imperfect beings,
and they as perfect and all-powerful. What better way to, as Nomad
put it, "Sterilize" those they see as imperfect than by either
assimilating them, draining them of individual thought and
replacing it with "pure" Borgthink, or by terminating them?" She
shuddered at this last thought.
Suddenly Worf spoke up. "This information, this would be most
helpful for Bugs to know about! We must contact him at once and
give this to him at once!
"Unfortunately, we can't", answered Picard. "To contact him right
now would be too risky : the Borg may discover him aboard and
thwart his plan to free Elmer. And he's in enough danger as it is
right now just by being on the ship."
Picard looked out the window at the Borg ship. "If he mangages to
contact us in the next little while, then would be the best time to
give him this information. Until then, all we can do is wait."
* * * * *
Back on the Borg ship...
Chapter 10 199
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Bugs ducked behind a corner and flattened himself against the wall.
He quickly looked around the corner to see if Elmer and the rest of
the Borg were following him.
"Nuttin'", he breathed out in a half-gasp, half sigh of relief. "I
seem to have given dem the slip, but I know it won't be for long!
I never thought dat I'd ever run into a situation woise den rabbit
season!"
He leaned against the wall, now more at ease. "One ting's for
sure, though, in order to get Elmer out of dere clutches, I gotta
defeat all dose Borg! But how? It would take a miracle. A sign
from above!"
Suddenly he stopped and listened.
"Hmmmmm... a scratching sound! Where on oith could that be coming
from?"
He looked at the other side of the wall, then looked down at a
small hole near the floor.
"MICE?" he mused to himself . "Aboard a flyin' cube?"
The sound became louder, more persistent -- then suddenly, out
popped...
"Oh brudder", thought Bugs.
It was Daffy, although not quite his old self. In fact, he was
now, after his run-in with the genie in the treasure room, only two
and a half inches tall. In his arms he was clutching a pair of
dilithium crystals he had managed to salvage.
"I'M RICH!" he yelled. "I'M THUCCESSFULLY THOLVENT! I'M
TANTALIZINGLY TRUMPLIKE! I'M..."
He was interrupted in his self-praise when Bugs picked him up by
the scruff of his neck and held him up to his face.
"Daffy", he said, a little annoyed. "I don't know how you did it,
and I don't wanna know. But you may be my only hope in gettin'
Elmer off this ship".
Quickly he reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle of
"ACME SUPER QUIK-GROW FERTILIZER".
"Tex gave me dis bottle right before I left da Enterprise, and told
me dat it may come in handy- - and dis looks like the time", he
said. With that, he placed Daffy back on the ground and handed him
the bottle. "Here, Daffy -- drink dis, it'll make ya feel better".
200 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Okay, Bugsy boy, here's mud in yer puss!" answered Daffy. He
quickly chugged down the whole bottle.
The effect was instantaneous : Daffy shot back up to his full
size, and then some, banging his head against the ceiling of the
ship.
"Whoooops! Musta overdosed!" Daffy spat some of the mixture out,
and shrunk back to his original size.
"Now Mr. Patton", he shot back at Bugs, "what thort of thing do
you have in mind regarding getting old Fuddsy back to normal and
off this ship. Where do I fit in all this? And what'th most
important, what's in it for me?
"Well, Daffy", replied Bugs, and then whispered in the duck's ear.
"WHOO WHOO!" said Daffy. "I remember that picture : we both got
international acclaim for THAT one. Let's do it!
* * * * *
Wocutus and his Borg brethren were in the midst of a patrol of the
entire Borg ship, in search of Bugs, when all of a sudden ...
"Hey, WOCUTUS, old chap!", yelled a familiar voice.
Wocutus and the patrol turned around -- to find Daffy.
"Hey, ya lookin' for a little sport, huh?" asked Daffy. He
pointed up to a giant sign up above him which read:
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR FUN,
AND YOU DON'T NEED A REASON,
ALL YOU NEED IS A GUN -----
IT'S RABBIT SEASON!
Daffy now pointed to another sign that read -
RABBIT 100 FEET THATAWAY! ------------------>
"AHAH!" yelled Wocutus. "The game is afoot - wabbit's foot that
is, eheheh! Machines - FOWWAWD!"
"Here, allow me," said Daffy. "After all, I know when I'm beat!
If ya can't lick 'em, join em! I'll lead you to that rabbit!"
It was an interesting procession, with Daffy leading the front, and
Wocutus and the Borg following closely behind. Suddenly...
"THERE HE IS!" Daffy yelled.
There was Bugs, out in the open, nonchalantly crunching away on a
carrot.
Chapter 10 201
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Thought you could get away fwom me, eh you scwewy wabbit?"
Wocutus spat out at Bugs. "Well, I have you at wast, and there
will be no more pwaces to wun now! Machines : weapons at the
weady!"
The Borg, a strong phalanx of them , all pointed their weapons at
Bugs.
"Well, ya got me ta rights, Doc", said Bugs, finishing the last
gulp of his carrot. "Ya wanna shoot the duck now, or wait till ya
get home?"
"OOOOOOOOH NO YOU DON'T!" screamed Daffy, walking up to Bugs and
grabbing his front. "DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, SHOOT HIM! IT'S RABBIT
SEASON!"
"I begs to differ, Daffy," replied Bugs. "It's DUCK SEASON!"
The Borg now aimed their weapons at the little black duck.
"NO IT AIN'T! AND I'LL PROVE IT!" remonstrated Daffy, running
over to a large pillar with a large RABBIT SEASON poster on it.
"THERE! RABBIT SEASON!"
Bugs walked over (the weapons once again trained on him), took a
corner of the poster, and ripped it off, revealing a DUCK SEASON
poster.
"DUCK SEASON!" He yelled. The weapons now went Daffy's way.
Daffy ripped off the poster to reveal what was underneath that.
"RABBIT SEASON!"
Bugs did likewise - "DUCK SEASON!"
"RABBIT SEASON!"
"DUCK SEASON!"
"RABBIT SEASON!"
"DUCK SEASON!"
"DIRTY SKUNK SEASON!"
"BASEBALL SEASON!"
"FOOTBALL SEASON!"
"HOCKEY SEASON!"
"A DRY WHITE SEASON!"
202 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"CELESTIAL SEASONINGS!"
Wocutus and the Borg didn't know what to make of this -- in fact,
the information in front of them was going so fast that their eyes
were literally smooth scrolling. And then...
"BORG SEASON!" yelled Bugs, pulling off the final poster.
Quickly the Borg did what only they could do : trained their
weapons on each other, and fired.
For the next few moments, smoke enveloped the entire battle area.
Hundreds, if not thousands, of Borg lay around where they were hit
by each other's gunfire, some permanently disposed, others still
operational, but unable to move due to missing parts and limbs. Of
those still able to move, they began to sort out the wreckage for
candidates for reconstruction. Soon they were joined by a number
of Borg Refuse Reclamation units, which loaded the dead and wounded
and began to take them back to their repair depots.
But in the confusion, one Borg was not accounted for...
In the Grand High Borg's council chambers, Rudy/Nomad was shaking
with rage. The discovery of Bugs' treachery had earlier
disconnected him from the rest of the Borg's euphoria, and now THIS
-- THIS -- the pain of the deaths and wounds of his connected
brethren...
Rudy pushed a button on his chest, immediately disconnecting him
from the thought processes of the other Borg. He sighed with some
relief - but the anger still remained. It would take weeks, maybe
months, to regain the lost ground that had been snatched away from
them. Yet the rabbit was still alive, and had humiliated him
again!
Enough was enough, Rudy thought. The rabbit -- and his cohorts --
as well as the Enterprise -- had to be destroyed. And it looked
like he, Rudy, had to do the job himself.
* * * * *
"And so dat's what happened, Doc - under the cover of the smoke we
was able to escape - and wit Elmer to boot", summed up Bugs to
Picard via the communicator pin that had been given to him.
"How is Elmer," queried Picard. "Is he going to be all right?"
"Too hard to tell dere -- he took a direct hit from a Borg's
laser-cannon and was reduced to tiny pieces - tank goodness he
wasn't hit by a dip-gun".
"And I'm telling you, it wath pretty hard retrieving every little
bit of him with that smoke-cloud hanging around", interjected
Daffy. "You try sweeping up your buddy off the floor under such
Chapter 10 203
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
conditions somehow".
"I get the point," said Picard. "Will you be able to beam over
with Elmer soon?"
"It'll probably take awhile," answered Bugs. "Da point is, we has
ta wait until every atom of his regenerates back into his solid
form before we can trnsport him, udderwise the transporter might
mess him up even woise. Dat's why we waited until you regenerated
before we transported back da foist time."
"All right, Bugs, but understand me, as soon as he is regenerated,
you beam all three of you back to the ship at once. It's dangerous
aboard there, and remember, Rudy is still on board and is still a
threat, Borg or no Borg".
"Tanks. But just in case he DOES show up, dat information you gave
me about him and his literal bosom buddy is gonna come in mighty
handy..."
* * * * *
"Sit down, gentlemen", Picard motioned to the animators.
Chuck, Friz, Bob, Tex, Tedd, and Mike obliged and seated themselves
around the conference table.
"I called you all here because I have a question to pose to you".
"Fire away, Captain", said Chuck. "We will be more than happy to
oblige".
The captain got up and walked to the head of the table. He
stopped, leaned over and rested his hands on the chair.
"While I appreciate the help that the six of you have given us
regarding our and the toons' struggle with the Borg, I feel uneasy
about a few things. One of which is the fact that you are even
here at all."
"What do you mean?" asked Friz.
"Prior to the meeting in Ten-Forward, I decided to re-acquaint
myself with the origins behind the Warner Bros. characters, and so
I decided to check out the information on what we had about the
studio, the characters, and their ideosyncracies from the ship's
computer. Since you were involved in the toons' creation from the
start, I also decided to check out your backgrounds as well, and
was given the shock of my recently tooned life. My jaw still aches
from when it hit the ground", he continued as he rubbed his chin.
"What on earth for?" asked Tex. "There's nothing wrong with us.
Vivid imaginations and a flair for the outrageous maybe, but
otherwise we're pretty decent folk."
204 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Nobody would deny that, Mr. Avery", Picard followed. "The fact
is : you're not even supposed to be here".
The six just sat there, unsurprised by this revelation.
"According to the ship's records, Mr. Avery, you died in the year
1980. Mr. Clampett here passed away in 1984. Mr. Maltese and
Mr. Pierce died prior to that time. Of the six of you, Friz and
Mr. Jones were the best preserved, but even you two succumbed to
old age: Friz in 2004 AD and Chuck, after an amazing 165 years of
age..."
"One of my best achievments in my life , next to DUCK AMUCK, of
course", beamed Chuck. "I lived even llonger than my idol, Mark
Twain".
"Nonetheless, according to the ship's records there was no possible
way for you all to be here on this ship", interrupted Picard. "And
it was bothering to me to no end. The toons could be explained --
as Mr. La Forge , Mr. Data and Mr. Worf have all explained to me
what had happened viz-a-viz the malfunction in the ship's computer.
But, there was no explanation on how you could exist."
"And then, during that episode in 10-F when you, Mr. Jones,
protected Plucky from the effects of the dip-pies without being
affected by them yourself, I began to see an answer. About how you
could exist in this time. About why you showed no concern or fear
regarding your fates when you were captured and taken aboard the
Borg ship. About how you were able to perform the superhuman feats
of writing and animating in no time flat".
Picard , who was pacing around the room while speaking, whirled
around and faced the animators again. A faint smile appeared on
his ink-and-paint lips -- painful in his state, but he could put up
with it".
"The fact is, gentlemen, you are immortals. Not only in memory,
but literally".
* * * * *
"Bugs! You're safe! Yeee-haaa!" Babs hollered this out, did a
mid-air split that would have made her the envy of the fabled
Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, and shot in a b-line towards the tall
bunny. She tackled him in the solar plexus, and nearly drove him
through a bulkhead. Babs gave Bugs a hug and snuggle that might
cause a human to lose his/her mind. (Imagine you were already warm
and furry, and you were snuggled by something else warm and furry -
get the idea?)
Bugs said, "Gee, t'anks, Babs, but don't overdo it, okay? Lemme
get a little shuteye, okay, kid?"
Chapter 10 205
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Bugs walked past Daffy, who was getting somewhat similar treatment
from Plucky and Shirley -- they were respectively in palace guard
and belly dancer garb, and respectively fanning and dancing for
their mentor mallard. Daffy raised his eyebrows as Bugs passed,
and let out an appreciative purr like Pepe Le Pew.
"Yeah, I know, Daf -- if'n I was forty, maybe forty-eight years
younger ... how dat Buster handles her, I dunno..." Bugs walked
into his stateroom. And collapsed on the bed.
Bugs had always had a horrid burden on his shoulders. Although,
technically, Porky Pig was his senior -- as the oldest of the
Warner Brothers Toons -- Bugs had been the acknowledged leader. He
was smarter, nervier, faster, and funnier than any individual Toon.
And as the leader, he always had to give advice to the lesser
lights of the studio.
He remembered Charlie Dog, a wanna-be who pestered him to death
with hints to improve his "persistant" schtick. A few cartoons
with Charlie, a guest appearance on the Tiny Toons show, and that
was it for Charlie. Bugs personally felt bad that he told Charlie
to go play in traffic -- and he did. (He was hanging on the wall
at the Old Toons Home the last Bugs heard -- still flat as a
pancake, but still able to bug Bugs for more hints.)
It was always like that for Bugs. Always asked for advice, guest
star appearances in low-grade cartoons, and plugs for vitamins and
other products. And then, there were the failures -- the time he
argued with Daffy and Speedy Gonzales not to get involved with
DePatie-Freling for a series of cheap TV cartoons -- which Daffy
and Speedy did anyway. It was all he could do to keep them from
becoming foils for DFG's Pink Panther character.
Sometimes, being the best was a pain in the ass.
But sometimes it was worth it. Bugs just saved one of his best
friends, his foil and antagonist for almost his entire life, from a
hideous fate. He and Daffy dealt a severe blow to a foe that
humans couldn't touch. And for that, all the pain and trouble
shrank into insignificance.
And thinking that, Bugs drifted off into a deep, delightful sleep,
in which he dreamed of one of those delightful female hares he kept
getting paired with, but who never had sufficient personality to
achieve costar status...
* * * * *
"Yes, it's true Captain", admitted Chuck, still unsurprised or
dumbfounded by Picard's revelation, "we are immortal. But not in
the way that you may think of us to be immortal. You see, we are
not immortal of ourselves."
206 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Picard stood back, interested by this remark. "Explain".
"Well", continued Chuck, " it all has to do with our creations the
toons. They helped to keep us young as we grew older in earth life
and, as they remained popular, so did we remain noted, if not just
as popular. And even when we did die, the toons kept our work
alive -- and so being a part of us, we were able to remain in
spirit, if not in physical body. Somehow, when your computer were
able to pull the toons out of their dimension and bestow upon them
the proper bodies that would fit this dimension, it affected us,
too".
"Interesting", said Picard. "So in that case, if anything ever did
kill a toon, it would affect you as well".
"Precisely," interjected Friz. "That's why we were so intent upon
helping out on this mission : to make sure that the toons had our
help regarding their fight with the Borg. That's why we allowed
ourselves to be captured and go aboard the Borg ship : to make sure
that things would be alright".
"But you know," said Tex, "apart from a few incidents where they
did need our help, our boys in tooniform did really good for
themselves."
Picard sighed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness, for a moment
there I was somewhat worried that you were a part of the Q Contiuum
..."
"No, we're not", said Clampett. "Though prior to our coming here,
we did try to get an audience with them to see if we could join
their fraternity. It could have helped us out. But it was no go".
"Why not?"
"Well, they hemmed and hawed about it", said Tedd, "but what it
came down to was that they just don't consider animated cartooning
a viable art form for a really powerful immortal to be pursueing --
and besides, they were afraid, with the types of personalities that
we have, that we ran the danger of being corrupted and using our
powers to play nasty practical jokes on innocent mortals -- 'one
jerk like that in the Continuum is enough', they said."
"I think I know who you're talking about", Picard nodded.
"But what really burns me about it", said Chuck, returning to the
conversation, "is that they allowed Jack Warner and Leon
Schlesinger into the Continuum. Although, if you think of it,
money will get you anywhere these days!
* * * * *
Deep within the bowels of the Borg ship...
Chapter 10 207
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"It's no use, boys!"
Donald threw down the wrench and stared forlornly at his feet.
Since they had found the remains of the Hallway Cruiser an hour
before, he and his nephews had tried everything to get it back
together -- and nothing had worked. Even the venerable Junior
Woodchuck's Guide, as comprehensive as it was, held little if no
information on how to repair such a device.
"Let's face it", said Donald, a tear going down his cheek, "I can't
even screw in a lightbulb without causing massive destruction to a
house, let alone fix an advanced piece of technology like this -
This- THIS!"
He picked up the wrench again and began to bang on the hull of the
craft. "YOU STUPID PIECE OF JUNK! YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE TO SAVE
ALOURA! AND I CAN'T GET YOU TO WORK, YOU TINCTURED TINKERTOY!
SQWAAAWAWAWAWAWAWAWA!"
"UNCA DONALD", screamed Huey, "STOP! You'll alert the Borg we're
here!"
Donald stopped, again dropped the wrench, and collapsed to the
floor, crying copiously.
"I'm ... s-s-sorry boys, I got carried away with my anger again --
it's just that I HAVE to save the kids from the clutches of those
bad things -- and I can't -- I'm a failure! What would Daisy think
of me?"
"Hey, Unca Donald", said Dewey reassuringly, "WE never thought you
were a failure!"
Donald looked up. "Ya-ya don't? Even though I've pulled a lot of
nasty practical jokes on you, and lost my temper too many times,
and screamed and screamed at you ..."
"No, Unca Donald!", said Louie. "For all your faults, we still
love you, and that's all that counts. Besides, remember, there
were MANY times you ended up saving us in the past from terrible
fates! This isn't any different from those past times!"
Donald smiled. "Thanks, boys," he said. "I really needed that. I
guess you're right! Ya know, sometimes you three can be such a
handful, but I never regret taking you under my wing after your
parents died in that hunting mishap. I guess my concern for Aloura
and the rest of the Borg babies is just an extension of that."
He cradled Huey, Dewey and Louie in his wings. "I love you too,
boys," he said. "I only wish that I had some more knowledge on how
to fix and pilot this thing -- if only we had Gyro Gearloose here,
HE'D know how to fix this! Or Launchpad, he'd know how to run it!"
208 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
He sighed wistfully, "or Gladstone Gander -- we need all the luck
we can get at this point."
* * * * *
At there very moment that Donald was uttering these words, the
ATARICORP TOS 3222.73 1/2 chip that represented the operating
system in the faulty Holodeck aboard the Enterprise hiccupped ...
* * * * *
And in Ten-Forward ...
"ACCH, that wasss quite an embarrassment!"
Scrooge tried to put on his best face as he, Webby, and Launchpad
sat at a table in front of a meal that Guinan had procurred for
them from the replicator.
"To imagine thinkin' that that Android was made of Gold!", Scrooge
continued. " I had some delusions of grandeur there -- I was
already thinkin' about modifyin' me money bin for a special area
for him! Thank goodness the Captain set me straight on that!"
"Yeah, Mr. McD!", responded Launchpad. "However, Data took it
quite well. He said the whole experience allowed him to make
further observances on human emotion regarding the acquiring of
things of value, whatever that meant."
"Yes," answered back Scrooge. "However, he'd be good to have
around anyway : he'd be able to replace my whole army of
accountants! I'd be able to wire him into the Dow Jones service
and he'd be able to READ OUT the more difficult to understand
transactions! Why, he'd even be the perfect bodyguard -- the
Beagle Boys wouldn't even know what hit them! Now I wonder if Data
would consider a job oppur..."
He stopped. "Webby, hurry up and finish your oatmeal before it
gets cold!" he snapped.
"Yes, Mr. McDuck", said Webby. She was getting more than a bit
ticked-off at Scrooges' patronizing attitude. Their conversation
was so interesting to her...
"Well, whatever", continued Scrooge. "I only hope the boys show up
soon, otherwise we'll be late for that appointment on Rigel IV with
that agent regarding final sale on that Illudium Fosdex mine.
Otherwise I would stay. I've been hearin' rumours that there's a
whole hoard of traesure aboard that Borg ship out there! A shame
the captain thinks it's too dangerous for anyone to go aboard, and
has forbidden access now that Bugs has gotten Elmer back on board.
Oh well".
Just then Luxwana Troi took a seat at the table behind them. In a
few moments, Launchpad was wheezing.
Chapter 10 209
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"Loonchpad, anything wrong?" queried Scrooge.
"Nothin' too serious, Mr. McD -- it's just that that dame behind
us is wearin' some sort of perfume -- and tons of it -- that I
happen to have an allergy to-ah, ah, AH, AHCHOO!"
As he sneezed, there was an audible POP! -- and they were no
longer at the table.
* * * * *
Note:
The "dull" Toons, like the animated James Kirk, Spider-Man and the
like, act that way because that's how they are expected to act.
They are fully capable of the same stunts as the Warner and Disney
Toons. However, they have this sense of responsibility to their
created nature. The Toon Kirk doesn't go bonking himself with a
mallet and splitting into a dozen little Kirks, because he's trying
to simulate a living being. It's not in his job description.
For dramatic purposes, these humanoid Toons must seem to take
damage and die like normal humans do - but they are just as
invunerable to normal damage as other Toons, and just as vunerable
to Dip. It's just "good acting" to them.
As for their status among other Toons, that's an excellent
question. I propose they are slightly "second-class", not because
of their percieved limitations, but because they aren't originally
cartoon characters. They are derived from characters from other
media -- Spider-Man, for instance, was originally a comic book
character. And the current animated "Bill and Ted" are based on
that movie's original actors. They aren't as free or flexible as
characters that started out as a gleam in an animator's eye.
* * * * *
Lwaxana Troi blinked. She barely had time to notice the three
white ducks, when one of them sneezed, and they suddenly
disappeared. "Well, I should have expected it," she thought loudly
to herself. "I always suspected those frightful transporters might
backfire someday."
All around her, the psi-sensitive human members of the crew -- the
Vulcans and Betazeds especially -- winced and tried to ignore
Lwaxana's thoughts, which were the psychic equivalent of a stage
whisper.
Suddenly, she became aware of a new mind brushing hers, an odd,
unusual mind, right behind her, in fact. She turned around.
"Oh! Pardonez-moi, Madamoiselle. I did not mean to startle you."
Pepe Le Pew looked honestly shocked and suprised.
210 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Oh, that's all right, excuse me, but I don't believe we've met."
Lwaxana couldn't place this strange creature from any of her
diplomatic missions.
"Ah! Pardonez-moi deux! I am Pepe Le Pew, madamoiselle -- ?" He
offered his hand.
"Lwaxana Troi, Daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred
Chalice, Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed ... ooh!" She was
momentarily taken aback when Pepe bowed, and kissed her hand, and
continued to kiss it. "Excuse me if this sounds blunt, but what
ARE you?"
"I (smack!) am many things, Mademoiselle Lwaxana (smack!) a son of
La Belle France (smack!), a seeker of Love (smack!), a Toon (smack!
smack! smack!)
"A Toon." Lwaxana remembered now. One of those ink and paint
creatures. Normally, she would have considered him a piece of
furniture or a painting. But somehow, he was terribly charming.
"You know, normally I wouldn't ask, but may I read your mind? It
seems interesting, and as a Betazed."
"Betazed? Troi? Sacre Liliac!" Pepe dropped Troi's arm in shock.
"Eez eet possible -- you are Deanna Troi's seester?"
"Sister??? Oh!" Whoever this creature was, he just touched a
nerve deep within Lwaxana that Jean-Luc had never touched, no
matter how often she begged him to touch it. "Oh, my dear man!
You are a treasure! I must certainly read your mind! If it
wouldn't bother you, with certain species, a touch is necessary."
("Not really," thought Lwaxana, "but I'll take whatever I can get
from you, gullible boy!") She nested her fingers in the fur on his
head -- which, though nauseating in its smell, was long and comfy
and thrilling to the touch.
Suddenly, the Betazed ambassador was aware of an aroma. She
sniffed a few times, her eyebrows raised, she looked down on Pepe
with disapproval.
"Mister Le Pew. You should be ashamed of yourself."
"Pardonez-moi, Mademoiselle, .I am a skunk le pew, after all..."
"How could you!" Her scold broke into a muted smile. "How could
you be wearing the cologne of the Troi Patriarchs? How naughty of
you to snitch the exclusive scent of my family!" She grinned.
"You're a little devil, you know that?"
Pepe's face screwed up in a dilemma he hadn't had to face in ages.
If this woman got any more predatory, he'd have to run...
* * * * *
Chapter 10 211
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"How is the most recent patient doing, doctor?" asked Picard of
Beverly.
Dr. Crusher nodded. "Mr. Fudd? I'm not exactly sure -- as you
know, I'm quite new at determining what it is inside a toon that
makes one tick. All I know is that he does seem to be completely
free from the effects of his entanglement of the Borg. Of course,
this other toon who has volunteered to help me out regarding
examining all the toons as they came off the ship should be able to
tell us..."
She and Picard walked over to the bed where Elmer's prostrate and
still unconscious form rested. Standing over him was a rather more
realistic looking toon, with short brown hair and somewhat craggy
features, who was performing a number of tests with a hand-scanning
device.
"Strange, does he remind you of someone that we have met before?",
posed Picard to Beverly.
"The thought had crossed my mind", she answered, "though I don't
know from where." Her gaze shifted to the volunteer. "How's the
patient doing?"
The new being scowled a bit. "All right, I guess. I've done a
number of readings on him, and everything seems to be okay. He just
seems to be sleeping off the effects of his ordeal. But I highly
recommend that he be kept under observation."
"How soon do you think it will be before he wakes up?" asked
Picard. "I would like to debrief him regarding what happened to
him on the Borg ship. It is most important."
"Dammit, JIM", yelled the recruit, "I'm a doctor, not an ink and
paint specialist!" He then looked a little sheepish. "Sorry about
that, that's one of my ideosyncracies. Is it okay if I call you
Jim? Somehow it feels more natural for me ."
"Yes, it's quite all right", answered Picard, deciding to humour
this toon. He was learning quickly in his state about toon logic.
"Do what you must, but do contact me should he regain
consciousness".
"I will, Jim", stated the toon doctor.
As Picard left Sick Bay, and Beverly turned to her "real world"
patients, the recruit was muttering to himself.
"They say it's the Enterprise, but what's happened to it? They've
redesigned the entire ship for the fourth time! Had a hell of a
time getting around! Look what they did to Sick Bay. I don't
understand half these instruments! A New Age freak for a
counselor, a Klingon on the bridge, and a fifteen year old boy
212 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
steering! And where's Jim? Come to think of it, I miss that
green-blooded logic spouting..."
He clasped a hand to his head. "Oh boy, as soon as I'm off duty,
I'm going to have a mint julep!"
* * * * *
As Picard came out of Sick Bay, he was greeted by Bugs, who was
yawning and stretching.
"Well, Bugs, I trust you've had a good sleep since your return,"
said Picard.
"Nyah, sort of", answered Bugs. "I got into dreamland okay, and I
was havin' some pleasantries rememberin' some dames from times past
-- and den Millicent had ta show up - YEAAAAGHR!", he grimaced for
effect.
"Who is Millicent?"
"Eh, she was a Slobbovian Rabbit dat Elmer tried to set me up wit',
and she was -- well, let's say dat it was about da same problems
dat you have wit' Luxwana Troi".
Now Picard grimaced in a toonlike fashion. "Point taken".
"Say, speakin' of Elmer", continued Bugs, "how IS da little Nimrod
doin'?"
"He's still unconscious", said Picard, "and is still under
observation. But Dr. Crusher does say that he is now totally free
of the Borg's sphere of influence, and when he is conscious he
should be his old self again".
"Dat's good", Bugs sighed. "Ya know, if it wasn't for his part in
my early cartoons, I probably never would have gotten as far as I
did - I really owed him. Say, what are our next plans?"
"The next thing we need to do is --"
Picard was suddenly interrupted by his communicator pin.
"Picard here, what's up?"
"Captain", said O'Brien, "We seem to have something happening down
in the transporter room, apparently someone has transported back to
the Borg ship."
* * * * *
Down in the transporter room, Picard and Bugs were joined by
O'Brien and Geordie.
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"Are you SURE someone has gone back onto the Borg ship", queried
Picard.
"We're sure of it, Captain", said Geordie. "According to the
readings on the control panel, someone seems to have transported
himself onto the ship within the last ten minutes or so."
Picard grimaced again. "But who in their right minds aboard this
ship would go back on, even after the dangers we have faced in the
last number of hours? Which would endanger his life, but all the
other lives aboard this ship? And more important, WHY?"
"Does DIS answer your question, Doc?" asked Bugs, holding up an
object he had picked up from the floor.
O'brien looked at it. "A black feather".
"Daffy", said the Captain. "But WHY?"
"WHY?", Bugs shot back. "I KNOW why! And it looks like I'm going
to have to save his downy black keister again".
* * * * *
Back in the Borg treasure room...
"Livin' in a material world, and I am a material duck ..."
Daffy was singing to himself softly as he placed the last of the
treasure into a large steamer trunk. He got on top of the lid and
jumped up and down on it until the latch clicked.
"There", he said as he clicked a padlock on the trunk. "That'th
the latht of the treasure, and it's MINE, ALL MINE! I'M RICH!
I'VE MADE THE FORTUNE 500! BRING ON THE COCKTAILS! THE DANTHIN'
GIRLS! THE ELEPHANT MAN! I'M....."
Suddenly he stopped. "Thay," he mused, "Did ya ever get the
feelin' you was bein' watched?"
Slowly he turned - to come face to face with...
"YOU!" Daffy shrieked, turning a shade of white.
"YEAH, ME DUCK!" yelled Monty triumphantly as he aimed a laser
rifle at Daffy. "I was expecting to find you here! And you're not
getting away this time! Isn't that right, Marvin?"
"That is so right, Max", said Marvin. He then looked at Daffy.
"We're going to take you to see the Grand High Borg! Isn't that
delightful?"
Daffy reeled -- and fainted ...
* * * * *
214 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Panic slowly grew in Pepe's mind. This woman's touch was somehow
tooinsistent!
Understand, Pepe Le Pew was not precisely what the woman's movement
used to call a "male chauvinist pig". As he had previously told
Counselor Troi, he had no interest in physical sex. His interest
has always been the chase, the cuddling, the champagne afterwards.
In other words, the glaze of love in one's eyes that has nothing to
do with testosterone or estrogen. And in this dance of romance,
Pepe knew how to lead. But he did not know how to be led.
But here was this woman, who somehow had become more interested in
the -- um, physical -- than that un-named French kitten that had
appeared in all those classic cartoons.
Perhaps, if this Betazed woman read his mind, she would surely
sense his discomfort -- and cease and desist.
"Oh, Pepe!" Lwaxana Troi uttered, somehow more aroused than ever.
"You naughty, naughty boy! To have such lascivious thoughts about
me! Ah, it would be a terrible shame to let slip an opportunity to
-- what's that phrase -- boldly go where no one has gone before"
And she got an iron-clad grip on the little Toon.
"Sacre Toome!" Pepe uttered, through the solid grip as Lwaxana
took him who knows where. "I encounter one who reads ze minds, and
she ees dyslexic!"
Looking at the crewmembers as Lwaxana dragged him away, Pepe
pleaded, "Help! Help! Merci! Assistance! Defense de Fumer! La
Betazoid de Lunatic!"
* * * * *
A few hours later, down a deserted corridor staggered a
black-and-white Toon. His hair was no longer neatly combed in that
dashing style -- in fact, the fur all over his body was spiked and
frazzled. His pupils bounced all around the globes of his eyeballs
like a super-bouncing ball in zero gravity. He staggered against a
wall surface, and his arm slipped into a slot.
Something pulled on his arm inexoribly. As he read the sign above
the slot, his eyeballs opened into gigantic orbs in the maneuver
known as the Avery Ah-oo-gah
"WARNING!
Uniform Disintegration and Re-Integration!
Use ONLY for Uniform Fabrics that are SEVERELY SOILED!
Uniforms will be DISINTEGRATED and RE- INTEGRATED WITHOUT CONTROL!"
As his eyeballs shrank back to their normal size, the trapped Toon
shrugged. "Ah, what 'ze 'ell. It cannot be any worse zhen what I
'ave just experienced, no?" And he allowed himself to be dragged
into the slot.
Chapter 10 215
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
* * * * *
In the meantime ...
Webby clutched her doll tightly and stared around, wide-eyed. This
Borg ship was unlike anything she'd seen before...and even though
she wanted time to explore, she doggedly trailed behind her Uncle
Scrooge and Launchpad.
Suddenly, they stopped, and Webby almost crashed into Launchpad's
shins. She peeked around to determine what had caused them to put
on the brakes.
Scrooge was standing like a statue, cane pointed at a figure down
the catwalk. The figure noticed them as well.
Eyes narrowed. Beaks parted slightly in ducky sneers.
* * * * *
"I wish Launchpad was here." Dewy said to Hewy as they watched
their Uncle Donald. Donald had calmed down somewhat, after his
first outburst, but then he wanted to try again.
"We can't give up boys! There are too many lives to save. Unlike
us 'toons, many things can kill humans besides dip. And I
know that these wierd things will do them no good." Donald had
said this and he patted the boys on the head.
"Just one more try is all I ask." He had said as he picked up a
wrench he found and walked back to the hated machine. "COME ON
BOYS!!! We won't fail!" So the 4 of them started to fiddle with
the machine.
But that had been a while ago and the boys had given up and just
stood watching their uncle. Donald was long past steaming, long
past red, long past any reason.
"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!!!! You have to work! Red wire attached
to blue and yellow to green." He fumbled with a panel and hoped
that it would start it.
"Maybe it's not broken," Lewie said. "maybe it's was built to look
like that so no one would want to steal it." His eyes windened at
the idea.
"Oh Lewie, I don't think so." Hewy said. "And even if it was
built like that and it was NOT broken, I believe it's broken now."
He pointed to the machine parts on the floor.
"Oh, right." Lewie's eyes were downcast.
BOING! BOING!! BOING!!! BOING!!!! BOING!!!!
216 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
The boys turned and ran to Donald who was once again beating up the
machine. Luckly he was beating the big red shoe and the wrench was
just bounced off of it.
"Oh Uncle Donald! Please stop!" The boys said.
"Get back boys! This is a MAN'S job!" Donald roled up his sleves,
pushed his hat forward, spit on his hands and picked up the wrench.
He raised the wrench high over head and was to give the dreadfull
machine a mighty blow {on the shoe of course, Donald just picked
the closest spot}. The wrench came down with lightning speed.
BOINK!! CRACK!! SPLAT!!
Donald was on the floor.
The wrench had hit the shoe, bounced off of it, hit Donald on the
head, and he had fallen to the ground. The wrench clattered to the
other side of the room. Stars where floating around his head like
only 'toon stars can.
"Like I said, I wish launchpad was here." Dewy said as the nephews
ran to the fallen duck in a sailor's outfit.
Hewy took his uncle's and patted it. "Uncle Donald? Are you
alright?" The boys looked at him with worry.
Donald opened his glased eyes, "Aye sir, I'll deck scrub the floors
and wash thwindows. Let me just take a nap." and his head fell
back to the floor.
Just then, a high pitched screem filled the halls.
* * * * *
Aboard the Enterprise...
"Well, doc, hopefully I'll be seein' ya shortly", said Bugs as he
stood inside one of the designated circles on the transporter
platform, waiting to be beamed back onto the Borg ship.
"Be careful, Bugs", said Picard. "Despite your taking out a goodly
number of Borg, there are still a number of risks that may put you
and Daffy in jeopardy".
"Ah, risk, shmisk, I'll have Daffy back aboard before you can say
Jack Robinson -- and I'll let you deal with what's left of him
after I'm through with him for this latest stunt of his." He
sighed. "Ya know, I wish dat dere was some sort of cure for greed
-- but on the udder hand, den Daffy's carreer would be down the
toilet -- casket city -- surfin' sod....."
He stopped. "But enough of dat, are we ready to go?"
Chapter 10 217
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Almost", said O'Brien. He began to touch a pressure sensitive pad
on the console.
"And remember, Bugs", reminded Picard, "if you should run into
anytrouble, be sure to use your communicator pin to contact us.
And I want you to call us immediately after you find Daffy so you
can be beamed back aboard! And furthermore..."
"ALRIGHT!" snapped Bugs. "Honest, Picard, loosen up, you're
beginin' to sound like the mudder I never had."
"Ready - Energize!" said O'Brien.
A beam of light appeared above Bugs, and began to slowly break his
body down into what looked like silvery particles, particles that
slowly dissipated, and were gone.
Suddenly smoke and flames began to shoot out of the transporter
console.
O'Brien fell backward, then got up and ran for the console on the
pillar at his right. He touched a button, and immediately the
flames were smothered by the ship's fire-prevention circuits.
"WHAT HAPPENED!" yelled Picard.
Geordie opened up the console and looked inside. He wrinlkled his
face in disgust.
"It looks like the main circuit board has shorted and has knocked
out the transporter completely -- most likely due to the earlier
visit by our friend the gremlin ".
"Wonderful", said Picard. "Mr. LaForge - how long do you estimate
it will take you to make the necessary repairs to the unit?"
"Judging by the amount of damage, Captain, it will take
approximately three hours at the least, and I still wouldn't be
able to guarantee that it would be capable of working properly."
"We don't have the time, and nor does Bugs, for that matter",
answered back Picard. "Do your best, but get that transporter
working!"
Picard flipped on his communicator. "Bugs, can you read me?"
No answer.
Picard tried again, "Bugs, can you read me, we are experiencing
problems with our transporter. Did you make it safely? Do you
read?"
218 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
There was no answer, save for static...
* * * * *
"Perrier ... Perrier ..." The bedraggled Pepe Le Pew dragged
himself to the bar in Ten-Forward. With what seemed like an
agonizing motion, he slowly pawed himself to the top of a barstool.
He carefully adjusted his Toon mass on top of the stool, it was as
if he was afraid he'd liquify and trickle back to the floor.
"Perrier! For ze love of La Belle France and La Belle, Floreeda
... Perrier, mademoiselle with le chapeau like le steem-an'-dry
iron..."
Guinan turned, a glass of the sparkling water in her hand. "Pepe
Le Pew, isn't it?" She smirked and said, "You look like something
the cat dragged in."
"Oh..." The skunk had reached a state of agony which even Wile E.
Coyote could not achieve. "I 'ave known some cats, mademoiselle
barkeep, zat would be more gentle weeth mice."
Guinan gave a cautionary sniff. "You know, I always thought you
skunks let loose with horrible smells."
"I 'ave been through an experience, madamoiselle, zhat 'as drained
everyzhing from me ... nest 'ce pas?"
Automatically, Guinan said, "We don't serve Nest'cepas, only
Hershey's Chocolate. Oh! I know what you mean." Her eyes melted
with sympathy. "Lwaxana Troi."
Across the room, Data was watching Buster and Babs Bunny (no
relation, as if you had to ask) dancing an unusual series of steps.
It combined a traditional Russian dance with a finger-pointing
motion from the "jive" dances of the 40's, and motions from
unaccountable sources.
Data's eyes squinted in one of his learned gestures, it indicated
puzzlement. He stepped to the table where Buster and Babs were
attacking a salad plate with relish. (No, I'm not going to make
that obvious a pun.) Data introduced himself, and so did the
Bunnies, with the obligatory "no relation."
"I am fascinated by that dance you were performing. Although I
have had extensive training by Doctor Crusher, and have memorized
hundreds of dances of many worlds from the ship's computer, I
cannot identify the steps you were performing."
"Oh, that!" Babs's eyes sparkled. "It's kind of unique to us
Toons from Acme Looniversity. We call it the Bunny Flop." With a
sideways glance, she said, "Buster invented it," and gave him a
friendly peck on the cheek.
Chapter 10 219
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Buster's cheek turned bright red from both the compliment and the
peck. "Aw, Babs, I didn't exactly invent it," he muttered,
scrunching up his large feet in an embarassed motion. "I kind of
copied it from some old hunter-confusing hoofer gags that Bugs
did."
Data's expression became, if anything, more puzzled. "But, from my
analysis of the steps, and the moving masses of your body
components..." (at this point, Babs started blushing too, and
pulled down her dress) "... you were actually suspending gravity
for a moment. Or is there something else?"
"No, that's it," Buster replied. "We're Toons, remember? Under a
lot of circumstances, we can reach zero-gravity or even
anti-gravity conditions."
"Curious!" Data's eyes opened in interest. "Could you describe
some of those conditions?"
Buster's eyes rolled ceilingward. "Well, there's ..."
"Buster!" Babs said in a shocked voice. "Don't go repeating that
stuff off the boys' room wall at Acme Loo!" She looked back at
Data, and in a softer voice said, "Data, you people have ways of
repelling gravity, too. You might do better with those."
"Yeah, that's right, Data. Excuse us, we have something personal
to discuss..." His voice dropped to a stage whisper. "...such as,
how do you know what's on the boys' room wall, Babs? And don't
tell me 'it's a girl thing.'"
Data had his own problem now, and couldn't listen to the rest of
the conversation. "Boys' room. I wonder if it could be called
'the Acme Loo Loo'. And then, if there was a person named Louis
there..." He walked away, muttering.
* * * * *
"Ooooh, my head".
Bugs got up from the floor of the Borg ship where he had just been
teleported. But not without some problems -- due to the teleporter
explosion, his body had not been converted back to its proper form,
instead becoming a mass of ink and paint of questionable origin.
Thankfully, being a toon, and bestowed with toon powers of
regeneration, he was able to overcome the effects of the accident,
which if it had happened to someone of mere flesh and blood, would
have been instantly fatal.
"Now I knows why Dr. McCoy always hesitated before he used dat
form of transport", muttered Bugs as he rubbed his head. "Feels
like how it feels da mornin' after after a night of mixin' radish
and carrot juice".
220 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
He looked down the hall. "Well, enough of me, I hafta find Daffy
and get him offa this ship".
"Escape is futile", said a voice behind him.
Bugs whirled around to face the Borg sentry who had addressed him.
"Look, Mac", he said, more than a little annoyed, "don't you have
something else in your limited vocabullary other than 'futile' and
'irrelevant'? Never mind, I can't waste my time on you!"
He immediately pulled out a seltzer bottle and sprayed the Borg
with its contents. The Borg struggled for a few moments as the
liquid short-ciruited its components, then remained still.
"Boy, I'll NEVER find Daffy if I have to keep runnin' into these
Vendomats and have ta deal with 'em", Bugs murmered. "if only I
could..."
Suddenly a light-bulb literally appeared above his head. "OF
COURSE!" he said excitedly but quietly.
He then began to pull off the outer layers of the Borg's armour ...
* * * * *
Chapter 10 221
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Intentionally Left Blank
222 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CHAPTER 11
Scrooge McDuck pointed his cane at the figure lurking in the
hallway. "YOU!"
"YOU!" came the reply. The figure approached, becoming more
familiar as it did. "Philistine Disney Ducks , how did you get
here? Come to think of it, how did I get here?"
"Well, Dorky - "
"That's Daffy!"
"Whatever." Scrooge shrugged.
"We don't know how we got here, except that it happened right when
Launchpad sneezed," Webby interjected. Scrooge gave her a stern
look and she backed away.
"Uh, I could try to sneeze again, Mr. McD, if you think it'll
help..."
"No, Launchpad. You've gotten us into enough trouble. Let's just
find Donald."
No one moved. Then, "This way," said Scrooge and Launchpad
simultaneously.
"No, this way."
"That way."
"Over here."
"You're nuts," Daffy muttered. "I could get around this ship
blindfolded."
"Tha's right," Scrooge mused, "you've been here already."
"Then you could be our guide and help us find Unca Donald," Webby
shouted.
Seeing Daffy's reluctance, she stretched her eyes to the
ultra-wide-and-winsome setting and murmured, "pleeeeease?"
Daffy's weakness for the fairer among his species compelled him to
agree, almost. He suddenly flashed on a mental picture of the Borg
treasure. "Sorry, sister," he replied with much spraying. "I've
got work to do."
Daffy started back the way he had come. Webby turned her still
ultra-wide-and-winsome eyes to Scrooge. An almost imperceptible
softening crossed his features. Webby went for broke, adding the
Chapter 11 223
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
one-huge-fat-tear trick. Scrooge shut his eyes and groaned --
then, in a whisper, called to Daffy.
"I'll pay ye."
Daffy stopped in mid-step, elbows out, balanced on one leg.
Without turning, he asked, "How much?"
"Ooooohhhh..." Scrooge could barely contain himself. "How much do
ye want?"
Daffy turned, a huge grin on his beak. "How much have ye got?"
* * * * *
"Sonya, can you recall some of our engineers?" Geordi asked his
bright, talkative assistant. "That gremlin has done the work of
500 tinkerers, and we need crucial engine repairs."
"Geordi, the gremlin's been busy in so many other parts of the
ship, that our engineers are needed all over just to keep the
Enterprise from falling apart! We need a miracle worker around
here--"
"Did some'un say 'miracle worker'?!" asked a voice with a fine
Scottish brogue.
"Where've I heard that voice before..." Geordi began, his
attention diverted from the control panel before him. "Like out of
some old technical manual."
A man, a toon form, strutted into the main engineering area. He
was wearing, in toon form of course, a red tunic and black
trousers. An insignia patch bore not a star but a spiral shape.
On the cuffs of the sleeves were mid-23rd Century-style rank braids
indicating a Lt. Cmdr. The toon strode up to Geordi.
"Would ye' be so kind as ta direct me to YOUR chief engineer?"
"I'm that person, Geordi Laforge, chief engineer of the U.S.S.
Enterprise. And you, sir, are..."
"Montgomery Scott, Chief Engineer, U.S.S. Enterprise."
"Yes! Now I remember you, you were the chief engineer for many
years aboard the original Enterprise, then on the Enterprise A,
then technical consultant to the Ambassador Class engineering
group..."
Scotty looked baffled.
"Pardon me, Mr. Laforge, but my mind's not very clear on all that,
sorta like downloaded memories, ya see what ah mean? I kinda
inherited those memories from some human named Doohan, and never
224 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
was quite able ta make mooch sense of it'all. Now, you've got
problems here, and I'm the miracle worker. Where do we start?"
"Okay, uh... mind if I call you 'Scotty'?"
"Jus' fine with me, laddie. Now, let's have a look at this warp
flow sequencer."
Geordi obligingly shut off the main flux chamber and keyed the
dilithium crystal converter to slide out. Scotty stepped up and
peered over it, his face beginning to register horror.
"Gods, mon! What is all this?! The alignment! The accessory
systems!"
"Scotty, this is the way we--"
"Are ye blind, mon?! You don' route the framizam on the down
current side of the Feinberg regulator, when you have a
Irvingologic Mattrix inducer!"
Engineering was uncharacteristically silent for a long minute.
Everyone had stopped what they were doing to listen, and were now
exchanging glances. Finally, Sonya Gomez broke the silence.
"Commander, we don't use that ... umm, terminology any more."
"That's known as 'Constitutional slang', lass!"
"Scotty, I really can't take the time to explain why, but we've
advanced a long way since the Constitution class starships.
Believe me, we've gotten performance out of these lovelies that
would amaze you. Now, what we really need help with is the shield
modulation and some sort of tractor beam scrambler that we can use
against a very clever adversary out there."
"Lemme at your computer."
"Just holler out, sir."
"COMPUTER!!!" Scotty obligingly hollered.
"Auditory sensors are adequate to negate the need for a loud
address," the computer responded.
"Hunh," Scotty muttered. "Coulda' sworn that was Christine Chapel.
Computer, display shield specs on viewscreen."
"Provide access code."
"Computer, this is Geordi Laforge. Access code Lambda 7 Rainbow."
Chapter 11 225
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Access approved. On screen." "Roll up yer' sleeves, gentlemen,"
Scotty exhorted. "Let's get ta work!"
Just then, the aux viewscreen lit up with Captain Picard. "Mr.
Laforge, status of engineering preparations?"
"Yes, sir, we've assembled a team, and we've happened upon some
very expert help. This is, er, Engineer Scott of the original
U.S.S. Enterprise.
"Odd ... Mr. Scott, I believe I saw another expert in Sick Bay...
likes to call me 'Jim'."
"Must be Bones McCoy," Scotty nodded.
"Good to have you aboard, Mr. Scott! Carry on!" Picard vanished
from the screen, but Scotty stared at it nonetheless.
"I dinna remember a toon like him!"
"Umm ... some of the other toons had to temporarily 'toon' our
captain to free him from the Borg."
"For petal pickin' sake, there goes the toon fraternity! Ah
need..." Scotty broke off as he noticed a crew member pick up a
mug of coffee from a recess in the wall.
"Ah needs a nip of me tonic."
He strutted over to the slot. "Computer? Scotch whiskey!" He
grinned at Geordi. "After 'bout a hun'derd years, you should
really have the synthesizers up ta scratch."
He picked up the mug and took a swag, then contorted his face in
disgust. "Never tasted worse scotch. I need something with BITE!"
"If I may, Mr. Scott," asked an engineer. "Once when I was in
security, I heard something like this." To the computer: "Cha'hok
ta'LOOT!"
A metal mug which fizzled and steamed like a mad scientist's
formula materialized.
Scotty picked it up, took a swig, swished it around his mouth, and
swallowed it. He nodded approvingly. "Passable."
He began to return to where the shield specs were on display, then
his amble slowed, his eyes widened, and he took in a deep breath.
"Ayye, that's -- URRPPP!! -- what I call -- OOHHH -- a drink!"
"Didja hafta?" Geordi muttered to the engineer.
226 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Ya know, lad?" Scotty said after looking at the screen. "I think
I can see a whole new approach! O' course, any new approach only
works once, then everyone forgets the whole thing a week later."
"Fine by me ... if we use it once, the Borg will adapt and it'll
be no good any more," Geordi nodded.
"Then the idea'll fit like a glove. Let's get to work."
* * * * *
Note: Scotty obviously remembers all the times the Enterprise
underwent some engineering modification which was (in)conveniently
forgotten about a week later and lost to science. Like Tomar's
modification of the warp drives in By Any Other Name
* * * * *
"Okay, then, it's a deal, bub!", said Daffy to Scrooge as they
completed their negotiation.
"You drive a hard bargain there, Daffy", said Scrooge as he stared
inside the barren emptiness of the coinpurse he always kept on his
person. "All the cash I had on hand, plus a number of stocks and
bonds -- not to mention my personal recommendation regarding
joining the Duckburg Country Club".
"And don't forget, ya old haggis, I get paid $1.25 for every mile
we cover inside this cube -- plus danger pay, paid vacation time,
dental plan, Blue Cross..."
"All right, Daffy, agreed!" said Scrooge. ("My," he thought to
himself, "and I thought I was the most material duck around! Well,
at least I still have my looky dime!") "Just show us the way".
"Yes indeedy I do, suh - your wish ith my command!", said Daffy as
he placed a hat on his head saying BORG TOURS - I'M DAFFY, and then
pushed a button on a taxi meter strapped to his side. "Okay
everyone, move along now, move along, we can't dawdle, we only have
so much time for this tour!"
With that, the four ducks began to move down the hall towards their
intended goals.
"Boy, wath I ever lucky thith time or what?" thought Daffy to
himself. "Jutht think, a few moments ago I was nearly duck soup
back in that treasure room, thankfully my superior intellect wath
able to devise a cunning plan to overcome the danger posed to me by
my captors ..."
* * * * *
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THE DUCK ESCAPED!" roared Rudy.
Monty, Marvin, and K-9000 shuddered at the force and venom of the
voice of their leader. Then, Monty spoke.
Chapter 11 227
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"W-w-w-w-well, Grand High, ol' pal, we were marching him over here
to your office so that you could deal with him in the way that you
possibly could -- and then he pulled a trick on us that caught us
off guard".
"OH, REALLY?" spat back Rudy. "And what sort of trick did he pull
on you?"
There was an embarrassed silence.
Then Marvin spoke. "H-h-he said 'look fellas, your shoelaces are
untied', then when we looked down, he ran away".
Rudy thought for a moment. "Normally that would be a good excuse,"
he said , "but with one small flaw that makes it unacceptable."
Monty and Marvin grinned nervously.
"TOONS DON'T EVEN HAVE SHOELACES!" bellowed Rudy. "OF ALL THE
INCOMPETENT, STUPID, FETID EXCUSES FOR STOOGES I EVER FOUND, YOU
HAD TO..."
Suddenly, Rudy stopped, and began quivering as arcs of electricity
went around his head.
"NO-NOOOOO!" he yelled.
And then he stood upright. His gaze fell upon the two traitors to
the toon cause.
"I - AM- NOMAD", he stated in a monotone, mechanical voice. "I -
WAS - PROGRAMMED - TO - FIND - NEW - FORMS - OF - LIFE - AND - MAKE
- SURE - THEY - ARE - COMPATIBLE."
He pointed at Monty and Marvin. "YOU - TWO - ARE - IMPERFECT.
MUST - STERILIZE". He drew out a laser-pistol and pointed it at
the two.
"NO! PLEASE, DON'T DO IT, BOSS! WE'RE YOUR PALS, YOUR
HENCHMEN!" groveled Monty as he always did when things weren't
going his way.
Another arc went across Rudy's head, he lowered the pistol.
"Oooooh, my head", said Rudy. "Now, where was I?"
"Well," said Marvin, "you said you were going to give us another
chance to catch the duck and bring him back to you - isn't that
peachy, hmm, Monty?"
A bit of silence.
228 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"I said HMM, MONTY?" the Martian said again as he twisted Monty's
arm behind his back.
"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!" shouted Monty. "That's what you said, sir!"
"All right," said Rudy. "BUT I'M WARNING YOU, THIS IS YOUR LAST
CHANCE! I'M GIVING YOU DOPES HALF AN HOUR TO BRING THAT DUCK TO
ME, OR ELSE I'M GOING TO ANNIHILATE ALL OF YOU! NOW GET GOING!"
Without a word, the three toon traitors left the office.
Rudy touched his head. It was happening again - as it always did
when he was under great stress...
"Oh that Supreme Borg," Marvin muttered. "He's so naughty and so
complex, I could just pinch him."
* * * * *
In the meantime...
Daffy and the Scrooge contingent moved carefully down the catwalks
of the Borg ship. The elderly duck kept a sharp eye on Daffy's
meter, which continued to click away at an alarming rate (though
anything over 100 miles for a penny would have alarmed Scrooge).
Out of the corner of his eye, Daffy caught a metallic glint in the
leadoff on the right. He approached carefully, and discovered a
Starfleet tricorder just sitting there.
Now here's something handy, I can find Donald with ease, and maybe
make a few more sou from the old duck, Daffy thought, trying to
hide the leer that crossed his beak. He opened the tricorder;
lights and tones greeted him. The tiny viewscreen crackled and
reformed into the image of Gogo Dodo.
"Hello! WOO WOO WOO!"
* * * * *
"CUCKOO! CUCKOO!" said the image of Gogo on the tricorder screen.
"Anybody still on board the enemy ship must be CUCKOO!
CUCKOO!"
Daffy banged on the tricorder, and the image disappeared.
"Static", he explained to his employers. "Let'th try again, shall
we?"
He punched another set of buttons.
"Like don't worry, dudes and dudettes, we'll have this all in hand
in no time", said a voice from inside the unit, " 'cause we're
WARHOL, ROCKWELL, PICASSO, and GRANDMA MOSES!"
Chapter 11 229
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"More thtatic", said Daffy nervously, beads of sweat pouring off of
him. He swattted the tricorder one with his palm.
The tricorder sputtered, and then showed a new image.
"According to the little gizmo, it indicates that several waterfowl
are located jutht furter down thith hallway", said Daffy, relieved
that it was finally working.
* * * * *
"Woooh..." Gogo Dodo's head spun. Not around and around, but
bottom to top. "I don't fee-e-eel good..."
"Wassamatta, Mrs. Rittenhouse?" said Babs, whipping herself into
a Groucho Marx impression. "Your Dippy-Stick low on Wackiness?
Need your head drained and the oil changed? Bothered by the steady
drip, drip, drip of nasal maneuvers?"
"No, I just thought I saw Daffy Duck close up! Enough to drive you
to drink!" And sure enough, Gogo turned a key and stepped on an
invisible accelerator, and "drove" towards Guinan at the bar.
Babs looked around the conference room, and spotted Buster
arm-wrestling with Sherman, the "boy" of Mr. Peabody. And Buster
was having a hard time of it ...
"Unnnh! Unnh!" said Buster, sweat springing out on his brow.
(And if you've ever been near a sweaty, furry animal, you can
imagine how bad he smelled.)
"Just keep up the pressure, Sherman," Peabody said from the
sidelines, as he deftly cleaned his glasses with the edge of a
tablecloth. "Scientific principles, deftly applied, will always
conquer brute strength and male determination ..."
Babs deftly shoved aside Buster, took Sherman's arm, and in a
single swift stroke bent his arm over and knocked him off his
chair.
"Unfortunately," Peabody commented, looking down on his "boy",
"there's always feminine beauty and wiles; why do you think I never
date, Sherman?"
"Gee, Mister Peabody," Sherman said, nursing his sore arm, "I
thought it had something to do with all those copies of 'Outweek'
you keep reading ..."
As Sherman was dragged away by Peabody, by the ear, Buster said,
"How did you do that, Babs?"
"Never underestimate the power of a woman, Buster, or a large
foot." She daintily lifted her large rabbit foot and removed
Sherman's shoe, which Babs rapidly stomped when she took his arm.
230 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"I have to talk to you. This waiting around is getting to me. And
everybody here, too. We've gotta do something, or we're going to
go nuts, and the Borg will win."
Buster looked around the hall, and saw that it was true. Fifi La
Fume was chatting with a Benzite, trying to convince the
fume-sniffing humanoid that she smelled better than his native
gasses. Foghorn Leghorn was calmly letting Henry Hawk salt and
pepper his arm, a bored expression on his face. Elmer Fudd was
talking to a crewman named Barclay, trying to get personality
hints, and a selection of cartoon wolves (from Disney,
Hanna-Barbara and Warner) were trying to critique the grim
mutterings of Worf, whose name they mistook as "Wolf".
A grim look crossed the face of the little rabbit. "You're right.
This thing has gone on too long already!" He took a sideways
glance, and metamorphosed into a bald Picard-like figure. "This
situation reminds me of the classic Earth drama of 'I, Claudius',
which taught important lessons to humans of the Twentieth Century :
namely, poison 'em before they poison you!"
Buster whipped into a whirlwind, and became a Patton-like figure.
"No Toon ever did anything noble by getting Dipped for his country,
only by making sure some other Toon got dipped for HIS country!"
"Which means what?" asked Babs.
"We've gotta all go over and finish this thing once and for all!"
said Buster.
Some of the Toons were noticing Buster's dramatics with raised
eyebrows. But some of the others were closing their eyes with
boredom. Buster noticed this, and spun on the nearest one, the
Disney character named Horace Horsecollar.
"Whassamatter, Horace?" Buster said with fire in his eyes,
literally, and it was scorching the tablecloth in front of him.
"Don't you have any will? Don't you have any guts? Don't you have
any enthusiasm?"
With a cynicism few Disney characters expressed out loud, Horace
muttered, "Don't you have any Lithium, Rabbit?"
"Why, I --" Buster looked around, than realized the trick this old
Toon horse had pulled on him. With greater anger, he spun on the
horse and yelled, "What's with you, anyway?"
"Nothing's with me, and that's precisely the point. Why do you
want to stick your neck out for THEM?" He pointed with a flip of
the hoof towards a party of the humans -- which, coincidentally,
contained Riker, Troi and Worf.
Chapter 11 231
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Let me tell you what they did to me," Horace said. "Back in the
1930's, that's A.D. to you Joes, Disney got me a job. He needed
somebody else in his movies besides the Mice and Peg-Leg Pete, and
he promised me big things, me and Clarabelle Cow. He used me for a
couple of movies, then I got shoved into the background, and then
what? I get written out of scripts! And THEY -" (pointing to the
humans again) " forgot all about me!"
"Look, I know you had a hard time, Horace..." Buster interrupted.
"And they're forgetting all about you, too, even as we speak! How
many shows did you do back in the 90's, Buster? An initial
sixty-five, then twenty-two more...then NOTHING! They didn't give
you a decent graphic novel, or even a straight comic book. They
gave you a book with "things to color" and "find Buster's way
through the maze"! A crummy activity book! They dealt you dirt,
Buster Bunny, just like they did to me. Just like they do to all
us Toons.
"You think they'll remember you for this, don't you? You're crazy!
They'll use you for their little bit of fun, then they claim you're
too "babyish" for them, and they throw you on the garbage pile!
They use you until they're tired of you, and they pitch you..."
Horace was working his way into a bitter, ugly mood, which was
spreading all throughout the room. Horace himself was so involved,
he failed to notice Elmyra tiptoeing up behind him. And suddenly,
a whirlwind swarmed around the primitive early Toon - and from
snout to mid-chest, Horace was wrapped in a solid bandage of
gaffer's tape.
"MIND IF I SAY SOMETHING ?" Elmyra yelled into Horace's ear, at a
volume that caused the horse's eyes to pop out of his head and roll
under the chair. While he bent down to find them, not easy in his
taped-up state, the little human Toon girl stood on a chair and
brushed off her dress.
"Now, let me say something ..." said Elmyra, and despite her
childish voice, she sounded extremely calm and controlled. "Most
of you know me as a pest. One of the best pests that ever was a
Toon. And, hey, I'm a girl too. A girl, a Toon and a pest : I
was, like, a feminist ideal back in the 90's, when American women
were just as bad off as Saudi women."
She had the entire room's attention. Although Elmyra had often
spoken this way, mind to mind to other Toons -- in the process
called Toonlepathy -- nobody had ever heard her speak this way out
loud.
"Yeah, some of us get forgotten, and we get old -- so what? Did
you ever hear of 'The Velveteen Rabbit', Horace? You gotta get
used -- and sometimes thrown away -- before you mean anything.
What you forget is, at least we get their love for a little while!
232 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
That's better than a lot of people, who never get any love at all
..." She stepped back and shook her delightful little foot, which
had gotten quite wet from the puddle of tears she had shed.
"So, are you gonna help these people -- human or whatever (she gave
a glance at Worf) -- or are you gonna be an old stinky-poo?"
Around the room, the varied voices of Toondom yelled, "Yeah!"
"We're with ya, baby!" "Viva la Femme Elmyra!" and like that.
Buster and Babs both gave Elmyra a massive hug -- something they
didn't do an awful lot, for obvious reasons. "Gee, thanks for that
'Velveteen Rabbit' line, Elmyra ..." Babs said, brushing the tears
from her own eyes.
"Aw - hee-hee-hee! When it comes to bunny-wunnies, I'm the bestest
expert there is!" She smiled her famous "idiot smile" - showing
she was back in character again.
* * * * *
Back on the Borg ship...
Donald looked up at the Hallway cruiser, mopping his brow as he
did.
"Well, boys", he said, "It looks like we've finally got all the
pieces patched together! Now all we have to do is to find out how
to start this thing -- and then pilot it over to the 'nursery' and
load it up with Aloura and the rest of the Borg babies!"
"Great, Unca Donald!", exclaimed Huey.
"Good work, Unca Donald!", concurred Dewey.
"But, Unca Donald", said Louie, "you're forgetting one thing."
"Oh?" queried Donald.
"Who's going to pilot it?"
Donald looked crestfallen. "Gee, I forgot that! I can't -- I have
enough trouble finding my way around! And though you boys have a
good sense of direction, you're too small to handle the controls!"
He sat down, head in hands, er, wings, er, whatever Mr. Disney had
endowed him with to grasp things. "Like I said before -- if only
Launchpad were here ..."
"Somebody mention my name?"
The four ducks turned around at the new voice.
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Launchpad!" they all exclaimed.
"And Unca Scrooge and Webby!", added Dewey.
Quickly the ducks corraborated what information they knew of how
they all got there -- and what they had to do.
"And that's that," finished Donald. "Now, Launchpad, think you can
pilot this thing?"
"No problem", said Launchpad. "It doesn't seem any different than
the layout on the seaplane, so I think I can handle it. All I need
to know now is how to start it, and what direction to point it in!"
"Ayyye, there's no problem there laddie", interjected Scrooge.
"Why, with Daffy here, we'll be able to find anything on this ..."
He suddenly stopped and looked around.
"Has anybody seen Daffy? He seems to have disappeared!"
* * * * *
"Imagine : soon that treasure, thoth gobth of richeth, will all be
MINE, ALL MINE!"
Daffy was chortling happily as he made his way down the corridors
of the ship towards, once again, the Borg treasure room.
"Good thing I was able to give thoth Disney Ducks the slip while
they were bantering with each other. After all, if I had stayed
with them, the old oatmeal savage would have started gettin' gold
fever and would have insisted I show them where the treasure room
wath! And thith little black duck will not settle for a half-loaf
when a whole loaf will do! Now where was it - oh there it is!"
Daffy had now reached the door to the treasure room.
"Jutht think, soon I'll be back with my precious cargo!"
He opened the heavy door to the room, and turned white.
"SURPRISE AGAIN, DUCK!" snarled Monty, pointing his laser gun at
Daffy. "I KNEW YOU'D EVENTUALLY COME BACK HERE! AND THIS TIME,
YOUR LITTLE TRICK ISN'T GOING TO WORK!"
"That is so right," exclaimed Marvin, who was behind him. "Being
made a fool of with such a lame earth trick makes me VERY
ANGRY, (Huff Huff), VERY ANGRY Indeed!"
Daffy gulped.
"And now we take you to see the Grand High Borg!" exclaimed Monty.
234 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Just a minute there", said another voice.
The villains turned around, to see a new creature enter into the
fray. It was obviously a Borg or something like it, though it was
like nothing they had ever seen before.
"What ARE you, and WHAT DO YOU WANT?" spat out Monty, annoyed at
yet another delay.
"I am a Borg armour and layout inspector", droned the new creature,
"and I have been programmed by the Grand High Borg to make sure
that all Borg and other personnel stick by the dress code aboard
this vessel!"
Daffy looked hard at the creature, it looked somewhat familiar to
him..
"And judging by what I see", said the Borg-thing, "I'm afraid I
might have to place you on report!"
"FOR WHAT?" shot out Monty.
The Borg-thing quickly pulled the back of Monty's collar over his
head.
"LOOKIT DIS!" it said, as it pulled out a yellow bottle and
sprayed it all over the front of Monty's uniform. "MUSTARD ON YER
CUMMERBUND!"
Daffy blinked, something was very familiar! And then he noticed
the cottontail sticking out of the back of the armour of the
"thing".
The thing now turned to Marvin. "And you, lookit dat uniform!
Your supphose has runs in it, yer helmet is tarnished, and your
slip is showin'!"
Marvin quickly pulled the skirt down over his knees, blushing.
"Why, if da Grand High were here, he'd take da two of youse and --
no, it's too terrible ta describe what he did to #555786 last week
for bein' improperly Ziebarted!"
Suddenly there was a scream that shook the rafters of the ship.
"MONTY - MARVIN! WHERE ARE YOU, YOU WORTHLESS TOONS!"
Monty and Marvin were quaking in their boots.
"WE'RE DONE FOR!" snivelled Monty.
"Listen," said the "thing", "since I like youse guys, I'll help yas
outta dis -- quick, run in behind dis door and I'll try ta get da
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boss offa your tail!"
He pointed to a large door on the other side of the hallway.
"HURRY -- HURRY!" he exclaimed.
Monty and Marvin quickly ran into the room. The thing then pulled
the door shut -- as he did, a sign on the door was revealed, and it
read ...
>>>>DANGER! CONTAINMENT FIELD<<<<
The "Thing" now removed its helmet, to reveal two long grey ears.
"Bugs ..." whispered Daffy.
Bugs shooshed him. "Not now, just let me get dese two dinks offa
your tail fer good first!"
Bugs now began to pull various metallic noisemakers out of his
pocket and grind, clank and stomp in imitation of the sound of a
very heavy robot-like being coming down the hallway. He then
stopped.
"ALL RIGHT, ROBOT, WHERE'S MY TWO HENCHMEN?" snarled Bugs in a
very good impression of Rudy Doody.
Reverting to his Borg voice, Bugs answered himself. "Dere not in
da containment field!"
"OH, NO? WELL, LET ME LOOK!", Bugs snarled again in the
Doody-surrogate.
"Look, Doc, if I was hidin' 'em in the containment field, I
wouldn't trow in dis dilithium crystal in like dis, would I?" Bugs
said as he opened the door and tossed in the crystal.
"YA MIGHT, ROBOT, YA MIGHT!"
"Well, if dey was hidin' in dere, I wouldn't turn on da contaiment
field like dis", said Bugs as he pulled a lever next to the door.
>>>>>>>>BBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM<<<<<<<
"All right, robot, you've convinced me..."
* * * * *
Back in Ten-Forward, the entire group was getting into terrific
spirit. After Buster and Elmyra's suprising speeches, various
Toons got up to pledge their support and give their own speeches.
Currently, a fox named Waldo Wigglesworth -- a con-man fox from the
Jay Ward crew (you know, the Rocky and Bullwinkle folks) was giving
an eloquent speech about freedom, liberty and the importance of
saving one's own tail, punctuated by enthusiastic, if off-key,
236 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
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bugle blasts from his partner, a bear named Fillmore.
Unbeknownst to all, three beings were quietly watching this entire
event transpire, on a large viewing screen in a darkened room.
"Noisy, isn't he?" one of them said.
"Sure, Crow, but remember, he's supposed to be a con man," said the
middle being, whose name was Joel.
"I was really hoping to hear again from that Creepy Girl with the
red hair," said the being to the left.
"You getting sentimental in your old age, Tom Servo?" said Crow.
"Why don't you wish for Galaxina? Or Cherry 2000?"
"That does it," Joel said. "Out of here, it's time for a break."
Carrying the smaller robot -- both Tom Servo and Crow were robots,
Tom being the smaller one -- Joel stepped into the "Spiral On Down"
to be lifted from the theatre into the living space of his little
world. His only world, since he had been marooned in space. The
orbiting prison which Joel had nicknamed the Satellite of Love.
"What's with you guys?" Joel said. "We're getting a break from
the Mad Scientists this week. Instead of a crummy exploitation
movie, they're sending us live documenatary footage!"
"Yeah, but it's so cheesy!" Crow complained. "Especially the
parts written by that fungus-brain Reed!"
Joel grimaced. In a patient voice, he spoke as if addressing a
child -- which the Bots were, having only existed about four years.
"You remember our theme song? Remember what we say about reality?
Repeat after me..." And sure enough, all three slowly recited ...
"Just repeat to yourself,
It's just a show,
I should really just relax."
A large yellow light began flashing in front of them. "We've got
Commercial Sign. Hose off during the break, you two." And Joel
touched the button. We return you to our regularly sponsored
commercial.
* * * * *
"Yuk yuk", laughed Daffy. "Ya thertainly did it good to 'em, Bugsy
boy, didn't ya, yeth you did -- I wish I could've only seen their
faces when the explosion occ-ACK!"
He was interrupted as Bugs grasped the front of his chest-feathers
with some force, pulling the hapless duck's face up to his.
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"I do hope yas realize the grave danger you just put us ALL
through, Daffy!", Bugs shot at Daffy with a rage seldom seen in
him. "There was no reason -- NO REASON! -- why you had to defy
the Captain's orders regardin' leavin' the ship over a measly
fortune! And it's a good ting Picard happens to be an
even-tempered guy, udderwise you'd really be in trouble right now!"
"I'm sorry", said Daffy, breaking into tears. "I can't help myself
-- I'm a greedy slob -- it'th my hobby!" He broke down and sobbed.
"Well, I hope ya've loined, Daffy", said Bugs, slowly regaining his
composure. "Now, the next ting we need to do is ta get back on da
ship like Picard asked me ta do as soon as I found yas".
"But, what about the others?" asked Daffy.
"WHAT OTHERS!" yelled Bugs, barely losing control again.
Daffy quickly informed him about the Disney Ducks and what they
were doing aboard the Borg ship.
"Good gravy! Now I gotta go and find dese guys to inform dem of da
grave danger dey're gonna find here -- which way were dey head ..."
Suddenly a roar came from down the hall that interrupted Bugs'
train of speech.
"MONTY! MARVIN!" roared Rudy Doody. "Your half hour is up -
WHERE IS THE DUCK!"
"Oh great : costume time again", muttered Bugs as he quickly placed
the helmet back on his head, and not a moment too soon.
There, standing before them, was the entity known as Rudy Doody.
Or, we should say, floating before them -- for Rudy was standing on
a hover-craft-like stage which propelled him through the ship, his
marionette wires over him, attached to a bulwark which stood right
above him and attached to the back of his craft. He was covered
from head-to-toe with metal armour, .
"GOOD, ROBOT!" yelled Rudy. "YOU'VE MANAGED TO CAPTURE THE DUCK -
NOW WHERE'S MONTY AND MARVIN? I'M GOING TO ..."
Bugs tried not to crack a smile.
"Dey're not in da containment field!" he said.
Rudy stared at him. "I SENSE YOU'RE WRONG, ROBOT - I'M GOING TO
LOOK!"
Bugs quickly ran to the door. "Look, if day was hidin' in dere,
would I trow in a dilithium crystal, like dis?", he said, repeating
his action from before.
238 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
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"YA MIGHT. ROBOT, YA MIGHT!"
"Well, if dey was hidin' in dere, I wouldn't toin it on,
like......"
The door quickly slammed open - and Monty and Marvin, black from
head-to- toe with char marks from the explosion, ran out and down
the hall.
"NO! NO! NO MAS! WE GIVE UP! WE QUIT! WE'RE OUTTA HERE!" they
yelled in unison as they disappeared down the hall.
"IDIOTS!" yelled Rudy. "I'LL DEAL WITH YOU LATER - BUT FIRST I
DEAL WITH THE DUCK!"
He glared at Daffy, who was shaking nervously. He pulled out a
dip-gun and pointed it at the duck.
"WELL, AT LAST WE MEET -- TOO BAD IT'LL BE FOR THE LAST TIME!"
Rudy grinned evilly.
A small amount of the super-dip fell out of the tip of the dip-gun
and splattered on the floor, where it immediatley began bubbling
and steaming before it ate a hole right through the metal plating.
Daffy gulped loudly.
"WELL, DUCK - WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?" darkly
intoned Rudy.
Daffy quickly ran over to Bugs and ripped the helmet off him, once
again revealing his ears.
"YOU DON'T WANT ME, STUPID!" shrieked Daffy, all unglued with
fright. "YOU WANT HIM, THE RABBIT -- HE'TH RETHPONTHIBUL FOR ALL
THE CARNAGE!"
"WELL, WELL!" said Rudy, his evil grin becoming wider still (at
this point, Jack Nicholson should've got a load of him!). "BUGS
BUNNY! MY OLD RIVAL FOR THE HEARTS OF EARTH HUMANS! PREPARE TO
DIE -- BOTH OF YOU!"
Bugs shot an especially nasty look at Daffy. "You JOIK!" he
directed at him. "Had ta try and save yer own canvasback, didn't
yas? Why I oughta.."
Suddenly Daffy pointed. "Bugs -- LOOK!" he yelled.
Bugs looked -- to witness as the entire top of Rudy's head became
festooned with thousands of arcs of electricity that criss-crossed
his wooden and metal cranium. He saw the dip gun, which had
threatened them with annihilation seconds before, drop to the
floor.
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And then, to his complete surprise, Bugs saw Rudy Doody, the enemy
who had been the Federation's greatest challenge to date, who had
answered to no one but himself, bow on his knees on his hover-stage
in the direction of Daffy.
Rudy spoke -- and as he did, his tone of voice had changed -- from
the martial ranting which typified him before to a more even,
machine-like tone -- and he said, as he bowed to Daffy ...
"THE-JERK ... THE-CREATOR ..."
* * * * *
Launchpad was tinkering with the machine with the red shoes. The
three ducklings watched him, just in case they were needed. Webby
was sitting on the floor playing with her Quacky Patch Doll. And
Scrooge watched Donald, as his face turned red.
"Daffy? DAFFY?! We don't need no stinking Daffy!" Donald cried
with outrage.
"Curse mi kilts Donald! You're not still fighting with that black
duck are you?" Scrooge poked Donald in the chest with his cane as
he spoke.
"Uhhhh ... well ... hehehehe ..." Donald looked around
uncomfortably.
"Donald, I think it is time that you stop fighting with Daffy."
"But he started -"
"I don't care who stared it. It's gone far enough! Do I make
myself clear young duck?" Scrooge gave him a dark look.
"Yes sir." said Donald. His eyes were down cast.
A noise came from behind Scrooge. Launchpad stood there with the
boys behind him. "I'm sorry to interrupt your, uhh conversation,
Mr. McD., but I think I the boys and I fixed this thing. It took a
while, since there was pieces all over and a few wires messed up
but I do believe we got it." The four of them stood proud as
Donald and his uncle walked over to see what they did.
"It doesn't look any different." Donald puzzled.
"But let me show you how it works." Launchpad opened a hatch and
went in. As all the ducks followed Launchpad, Donald tripped and
fell. He brushed himself off, but as he was doing this the phaser,
Acme pencil and eraser fell out of his "pocket" unnoticed. They
fell on the floor without anyone seeing. Well, almost no one.
Webby was in the back of the line and saw it go. When she was the
last one to go in, she ran and picked up the things and put them in
her pocket.
240 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Come on, Webby m'girl." Scrooge called back.
"Okay, Uncle Scooge." She said as she ran to him.
* * * * *
In another part of the Borg ship ...
"Thay, what'th the idea of callin' me a jerk, anyway?" shot Daffy
at the oddly behaving Rudy Doody.
"You - are -the -Jerk -- the - creator -- the - supreme -being -
who- created- all - and - everything - including - me - Nomad.",
answered Rudy to Daffy's question. "Nomad - was - created - by -
the - Jerk - to - search - for -forms -of - life - in - the -
universe - and - sterilize - them. The- Jerk - is- all- powerful -
all - knowing - and - is -perfect - in - every - way - he - is -
impossible - of -error ..."
"Ah go on, go on!" said Daffy, a big grin appearing on his face,
his massive ego getting more stroked by the minute by Rudy/Nomad's
praise. "Flattery will get you everywhere, big boy -- tell me
more, More , MORE!"
"DAFFY!" yelled Bugs . "Cut it out, dis guy is dangerous! What
could dis lead to?"
"Ah, can it, rabbit!" shot back Daffy. "Why, thith guy ith eating
right out of my hand!"
"Yeh, but ya'd better watch out for its teeth - who knows he might
turn on yas".
Daffy was not paying attention; he was too wrapped up in the lavish
praise being heaped upon him by the cyborg before him. "Jutht
think, thith all-powerful bucket o' bolts considers ME itth master!
Why, with him at my thide, following my every beck and call, I'll
have the power and respect I lack! I'll be world famous - nah, can
that, RULER OF THE UNIVERTH! The riches of the galaxy will be
MINE, ALL MINE, heh heh hehe heeehehhe ..."
Suddenly Bugs strode right over to Daffy and broadsided him right
across the face with his gloved hand -- enough to send his beak to
the other side of his face.
"GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, DAFFY!" yelled Bugs. "YER BEIN' SEDUCED
INTA FOLLOWIN' DIS CAD'S OWN WAY OF THINKIN'!
Rudy/ Nomad, observing the action before him - of Bugs slapping
Daffy - pointed one of his laser-appendages at the rabbit.
"AN - IMPERFECT - LIFEFORM - HAS - QUESTIONED - THE - AUTHORITY -
OF - THE - JERK.", he intoned monochromatically. "THE - JERK - IS
- THE - CREATOR - AND - IS - INCAPABLE - OF - ERROR. NOMAD - WAS -
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PROGRAMMED - TO - STERILIZE - ALL - IMPERFECT - LIFEFORMS - MUST -
EXECUTE - DIRECTIVE."
With that, a blue bolt of energy shot out from the appendage and
struck Bugs right in the back.
For a moment there was silence - and then the most blood-curdling
scream exited from Bugs' lips.
Daffy stood in terror. The only time rabbits screamed like that
was during their death-throes...
Bugs fell to his knees, gasping for breath.
"Ah, ya got me Doc!" he panted hoarsly. "I'm a goner -- I'm
headed for dat big circular cel-file in da sky!" He gasped again.
"I - I - I can't hold on much longer!"
Breaking out of his rigid shock, Daffy ran to Bugs and put his
wings around him.
"BUGS!" Daffy yelled. "DON'T DIE! PLEASE DON'T DIE!"
A small smile went across Bugs' lips. "D-d-daffy --- don't worry,
o-o-old pal, I forgives yas for what's happened - it's all up to
yas now" He shuddered again. "Well, it looks (kaff kaff) likes da
end - every- everythin's gettin' dark! Gives - gives - gives my
regards ta Broadway! Do ya - do ya hears da loons, Daffy? Oooooh
(reeetch), I think I'm g-g-g-gonna kicks da bucket!"
With that, Bugs reared up and, walking towards a bucket in the
middle of the hallway, kicked it a good 100 yards. He then fell to
the floor. As he did, his form slowly deflated until he was
completley flat.
"BUGS!" yelled Daffy again. He broke down completely. "Oh, it'th
my fault, it'th my fault! I didn't want it to end thith way -- not
thith way! With my own greed I did it, my own ego!"
Suddenly, Daffy turned and glared malevolently at Rudy/Nomad.
"YOU!" he yelled angrily at the Grand High Borg. "YOU -- YOU
KILLED MY PAL -- MY PARTNER!"
"NOMAD - ONLY - DID - WHAT - WAS - REQUIRED - OF - ME - REGARDING -
THE - DIRECTIVE - AS - SET -FORTH - BY - THE - JERK", answered Rudy
/Nomad. "IMPERFECT - LIFEFORM - QUESTIONED - THE - JERK --
COMMITTED ERROR. ERROR - UNACCEPTABLE. LIFEFORM - HAD - TO - BE -
STERILIZED - FOR - GOOD - OF - GALAXY. NOMAD - MUST - EXECUTE -
DIRECTIVE".
"Oh YEAH!", screamed Daffy, picking up a piece of rubble. "Well,
EXECUTE THIS!"
242 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
He tossed it at Rudy - and scored a direct hit between his eyes.
As Rudy reeled backwards from the force of the blow, another series
of lightning-bolts flashed across his cranium. At the same time,
the passive look that had made up his features for the past 10
minutes were quickly replaced by a more familiar look of pure evil.
"HOW DARE YOU STRIKE ME, IMPUDENT DUCK!" Rudy screamed.
Daffy slowly formed a nervous grin across his face. "Hey, don't be
sore -- after all, Nomad, aren't we still pals?"
"I AM RUDY DOODY, RIGHTFUL RULER OF THE UNIVERSE! AND I HAVE NO
FRIENDS! WHAT I WANT I TAKE WHAT I DON'T WANT I BREAK - AND YOU'RE
ON MY LIST! BE PREPARED TO DIE A DOG'S DEATH, DU..."
Suddenly Rudy stopped.
"WHERE'D HE GO!"
For unbeknowest to Rudy, Daffy had taken advantage of his rant to
slip away from him unawares -- but not before rolling Bugs' body up
and tucking the lepine parcel under his arm ...
* * * * *
"Wes! You won't be able to make the transformation if you're beat!
I prescribe sleep!"
"Mom! Toons don't need THAT much sleep! Wile E. will tell--er,
well, anyway, think of all the time the scripts had him fall off a
cliff two kilometres high and be almost immediately rejuvenated for
the next take!"
"Wes, if you don't take care of yourself, when you become human
again, you'll be a living wreck! Now, get some --"
Beverly paused as she beheld her son's hands. The minor details of
the young man's transformation had escaped her notice until now.
She grasped one and looked it over.
"Wes, when you become human again, how many fingers will you have?"
"Five, I guess."
"You don't know?!"
"Well, I didn't consciously choose four-fingered hands, any more
than I chose fingers without nails. But look, Mom, no acne!"
"Dermolin 8 works just as well and doesn't leave pencil lines."
"Mom, I can live in the vacuum of space!"
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"Wesley! Enough!" She grabbed him by the ear, simply out of
mindless exasperation, and after stretching a moment, it snapped
and Wesley careened into his mother, slamming them against the
bulkhead. Both sat on the floor, dazed, with tweeting birds
circling Wesley's head.
Noticing Beverly's head was unattended, some of the birds flocked
over and began circling the doctor's head also. Beverly did a
double take. Eventually, the birds disappeared as if into some
nether dimension, and Wes helped his mother up.
"<groan> Wesley, this is a doctor's order. Get some sleep! And
take a sleeping pill if you have to."
"I don't know if a human sleeping pill will work."
"Well, do something!"
Wes thought for a moment, then went to the synthesizer slot.
"Computer, I want an Acme sleeping pill."
The computer paused, ensuring the person making the request was a
'toon before accessing the Acme company's computer files for the
specs. In a few seconds, a bottle of Acme sleeping pills
materialized.
Wes took one out and set the sleep start time, then called for a
glass of water and downed the pill.
Eight hours later, Beverly, Counsellor Troi and Lt. Worf arrived
at Wes' quarters, all pages having gone unanswered. The young
man's quarters were an intriguing sight. Right next to the bed was
a log, with a saw moving back and forth to the apparent beat of
Wes' inhalations and exhalations, producing a buzzing sound. In
the air above Wes' head, like a hologram, was a "balloon" with a
dream scene in it.
Counsellor Troi noticed Wes was apparently dreaming about being
captain of the Enterprise, with Data as his first officer, and
Suzanne Dumont as his Chief Medical Officer.
"Captain Picard wants Ensign Crusher at once!"
Worf rumbled. "We must wake him!"
"I don't have enough experience with toons to know the effect of
waking one from medically-induced sleep!" Troi warned.
"What, this quackery?" Beverly sneered, holding up the bottle of
sleeping pills. "These pills only set start time, not stop time.
It advises that a variety of methods may be used to wake the
sleeper."
244 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"I shall use this," Worf replied, holding up his phaser.
"What?!" Beverly asked. "We want him awake, not half asleep or
unconscious!"
"I believe the appropriate description of this setting, together
with this modulator nozzle, would be, 'tickle'!"
Beverly and Deanna looked at each other. "Tickle ?"
"Among Klingons a good tickling is considered to be the ultimate
test of a warrior's endurance ... but that was in ancient times,
before pain sticks were developed."
Worf set the phaser and snapped on the modulator nozzle. He aimed
at Wes' four-fingered toes and fired. The energy played over the
feet and they quivered, but the log-sawing continued.
"This is an old technique, but quite crude," Beverly noted. She
held up a paper bag, blew it up, held the top, then whacked the
bottom. A loud "BANG!" filled the room, and Deanna stuttered,
while Worf stood rock solid. If not expecting it, a Klingon would
have reacted with some sundry "warrior's reaction".
The log-sawing continued.
"I think I have an idea," Deanna said, fishing in her hair and
pulling out what looked suspiciously like a bobby pin. She bent it
a bit, then held one tip near Wesley's dream balloon. Drawing a
breath and pulling her lips in, she pushed the needle home.
BANG!!! The log and saw vanished, as the dream balloon dissipated,
and Wes sat up. "Boy, do I feel GRRRRRRRR-ATE!!"
"That's because," came a voice from the living area of the
quarters, "Wes begins each day with Kellogg's Sugar Frosted
Flakes!" They turned to see a tiger, another toon, sitting with a
napkin tied around his neck. "Of course, Wes eats the synthetic
version of--"
"ENOUGH!!" Worf bellowed in a voice that would free the San
Andreas Fault. "You shall return to Holodeck Two!"
He turned to Wesley, who had, in the wink of an eye, jumped feet
first into his toon-facsimile of the uniform. "You! Report to
Captain Picard in the Ready Room! Now!"
Wesley shrugged and headed out the door, and a few seconds later,
the threesome also left the quarters, as Tony the Tiger packed up
his cereal, milk, and eating accoutrements.
"Okay, Captain, I'm ready to try to transform you."
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"Go ahead, Wes. Try again." Picard pleaded for success; being a
toon was really wearing thin; he didn't want to talk to the
Admiralty until he was human again. But he paused. "Wait, Wes,
you will be transforming yourself, too, won't you?"
"Uh... no, sir."
"Why not?"
"I kinda like being a toon, sir. There are definite advantages,
and my scientific work and school projects can now make use of the
Acme catalogue of products. Only toons can buy from it."
"Wesley," Picard said, trying to be patient, "upon the completion
of this mission, the toons must leave the Enterprise. The
Federation and Starfleet have issued orders to this effect."
"You mean ... de-res-ed?"
Picard shook his head, then regretting it as the exaggerated
movement had left a slight headache.
"I have not yet advised Bugs Bunny, nor any of the toons, and you
are ordered to keep quiet about it, too ..."
"The Federation has decided, because of the tremendous help already
rendered, and the inhumanity of 'snuffing out' the toons afterward,
that they will be given a home. The planet Omicron Kappis IV has
been set aside for them. With the cartoonists' help, the toons
will be welcome to transform it and make it home. Any toons will
be compelled to locate there before any integration into Federation
civilization will occur. As a toon, you would also have to
relocate there. I would have to revoke your field commission as
Ensign."
Wes was thoughtful.
"I do really like it here, sir. I guess being a toon isn't the
greatest thing, but it's helped me to survive. Captain, permission
to remain a toon until the Borg force is defeated."
Picard thought about it.
"Risky, Ensign... if you should be hit by dip..."
"I've been working with Wile E. on that, sir. We think we may have
an antidote for dip."
"Antidote?!"
"Yeah, but it has technical problems : it only works under certain
conditions, and may be of limited effect. Especially if the Borg
adapt the dip."
246 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Ensign, about remaining in toon form for the duration..."
* * * * *
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Intentionally Left Blank
248 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CHAPTER 12
"It was my fault! My fault!"
Daffy was kneeling on the floor of the small room which he had
found as a refuge from the Borg, and that he was now standing vigil
over the life-less form of Bugs. Tears were streaming down his
face.
"I HAD to come back aboard thith ship and attempt to get the
treasure all for myself, and I ended up bringing Bugs to his doom
ath a rethult of it!", Daffy wailed, as the tears came more
copiously. He stopped for a moment, removed his bill, wrung it
out, and put it back on again. "And NOW the Enterprise and all my
friends aboard it may be in danger becauth I incurred the wrath of
that, That, THAT ..."
His tears were gone, replaced by a rage that he had surpressed for
the last little while.
"Tho help me", Daffy muttered angrily, "if I run into that Rudy
Doody again, I'll keelhaul him! I'll render him twig from
sprocket! I'll make him p- p-p-pay ..."
His rant stopped, and his tears started again.
"Oh, Who am I kiddin'? I can't thtop that mechanized menace! I'm
weak! I'm a coward! I allow my ego to run amok and get in the way
of rational thin king! I'm a greedy, self-centred, disgusting ..."
"Eh, could ya repeats all dat from da beginnin' again? I couldn't
get da tape recorder started."
Daffy froze for a moment. Then he covered his eyes.
"No! It can't be! My mind is playin' tricks on me! I refuth to
look!"
A moment passed. Another ...
"Ahhhh, what the heck, one little peak wouldn't hurt ..."
Daffy turned around and slowly moved his fingers from his eyes --
to reveal Bugs, incredibly in one piece and showing no worse for
wear in his ordeal with Rudy.
"HOW... I MEAN..... I SAW YOU....", stammered Daffy.
"Ah, c'mon Daffy", chuckled Bugs, "surely by now ya knows I can do
a death scene better 'n anyone -- comes from all dose pointers I
took from Bogey and Eddie G. and Cagney on the Warners lot!"
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Daffy went right up to Bugs, a finger pointing straight at him, an
icy stare attempting to bore holes into the rabbit's being.
"You're ... you're ... you're dethpicable!" Daffy shot out.
"Makin' me believe that I was rethponthible for your death, causin'
me to pour out my very soul -- and you were playin' pothum !"
"Well, how da ya like dat -- pot callin' the kettle black!" , Bugs
exchanged. "May I reminds yas dat you once said dat 'bein'
dethpicable is better than bein' dead?'"
Daffy said nothing, but the accusing hand fell and dangled for a
few moments. Then it slowly reached up and closed his beak, which
had remained open but remained speechless.
"Touche", Daffy whispered.
"And besides", said Bugs, "I had ta do dat sose I could break you
of dat spell you were under courtesy of yours truly an realize just
how dangerous dat guy is!"
"That's right, and I thank you for that," muttered Daffy. "But
tell me, why did he change character like that, and who ith thith
"jerk" fellow he'th obviouthly mistaken me for?"
"Accordin' to Picard, dat was his Nomad side, obviously the moige
between him and Rudy wasn't completely perfect, so they're not
completely one bein, but some sort of jekylled hyde person. And
Nomad wasn't too stable ta begins with either. As for da udder
problem ..."
Bugs quickly fished out from his pocket a large book. "My copy of
STAR TREK COMPENDIUM, Vol 26. I never leave home witout it!"
"Wait, Bugs!" said Daffy, fishing out a book of his own. "Here's
the latest, Vol. 27, use thith!"
"Tanks Daffy", said Bugs appreciatively. He began leafing through
it. "Ah, dere's da answer!"
Daffy quickly peered over his shoulder.
"What's happened is dat Nomad still remembers da guy who created
him, Dr, Jackson Roykirk, and believes him ta be the all-powerful
bein' dat drives him ta do what he do -- but, because his circuits
got scrambled, he can only understand pieces of his past. Now if
ya takes da foist letter of his given name, and da last three of da
Christian ..."
"Why, you get THE JERK!" finished Daffy.
"Yeah, and when I called you dat, somethin' in da silicone tapioca
in his CPU put 2 and 2 togedda - and got 22. He tinks YOU'RE da
250 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
supreme bein! "
* * * * *
"So, like, let's go! I'm feeling all nauseous and junk!" Shirley
the Loon looked green, which on white duck-skin isn't terribly
attractive. "Just thinking about what they could be doing is
upsetting my karma!"
"I get the picture, Shirl," Babs said, "but we still haven't
figured out what we'll do when we get there. We need to
brainstorm..."
"Oh! Like, why didn't you tell me? I need to, like, get with
Counselor Troi and her mom to do that ..." Shirley went up to a
comm-panel and started speaking...
A short time later, Deanna Troi and her mother Lwaxana were sitting
in lotus position on the floor of Ten-Forward. This was not as
easy as it sounded, since Babs had to argue Lwaxana out of
performing this mental ritual in the nude.
"But dear Barbara Ann," Lwaxana said, irritating Babs by using her
original name, "we Betazeds often perform rituals naked. Why, as a
young girl, when I operated a transporter, whenever a diplomat came
on board, I had to get naked extremely quickly ..."
Deanna whispered to Shirley, "She used to slither out of her
clothes whenever they played the Betazed National Anthem."
"Like, let's pop the clutch on this really soon, 'kay?" Shirley
said, since she wanted to avoid seeing Lwaxana naked at any cost.
"Concentrate your auras and merge your chakra centers into a
blinding white light. Then, like, deflect it out across the whole
room, into all the Toon minds present ... let's go ..."
The three psychically-gifted beings closed their eyes, and they
began to float above the floor. Data, witness to this unusual
phenomena, stared underneath Lwaxana in puzzlement.
Suddenly, over the heads of every Toon in the room, tiny
thunderheads sprang into existence. The tiny grey clouds grew,
they rumbled -- and simultaneously, lightning bolts erupted! The
Toons all ran, mostly clutching their rears (or the biological
equivalents thereof).
Sensing something was wrong, Shirley said, "Lwaxana, aim higher,
willya?"
Babs smirked. "She must still be thinking about getting naked."
This time, the lightning bolts hit the Toons on the head, and
instead of yelping, they all said, simultaneously, "I GOT IT! I
GOT IT! WE BEAM OVER AND ..."
Chapter 12 251
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
* * * * *
"WE'RE GOING TO BEAM OVER TO THE BORG SHIP AND..."
"And, you can't." The cynical, tired-sounding black humanoid Toon
girl leaned against a bulkhead. "You dummies forgot that the
transporters are inoperative."
Geordi La Forge glanced at the girl. "You seem to have a little
better grasp of reality than ..."
"Than the other Toons? Sure, I guess so." She stifed a yawn.
"But then, I've had a lot of down time to establish those kind of
relationships." She looked aside at Geordi. "By the way, have we
met?"
"Um, I don't think so." Geordi held out his hand. "Lieutenant
Geordi La Forge, Chief Engineer."
The girl Toon took his hand and shook it. "Mary Melody, bit
player. Glad to meet you."
"Bit player? I've never heard of that. Is that some kind of
category among Toons?"
"Yes, you could say that, but I think you've got a few around this
ship too." Mary leaned back. "See, the real stars of the Tiny
Toons group are Buster, Babs, Plucky and the like. Then, there are
the secondary characters that have their own specialties, like
Sweetie Bird, Concord the Condor and Gogo Dodo. Then..." (she
stifled a yawn) "there's bit players like me."
"What exactly do you do? You just stand there?"
"Pretty much. See, against the background of these crazy Toon
characters, the audience needs some kind of reference to reality.
That's me. I can just about do anything any of the other Toons do
... but my job description says I can't. 'Another bit part,
another paycheck', like I always say."
Geordi scratched his head and repositioned his VISOR. "Must be
pretty boring for you."
"You should know." Mary's large, brown,
expressive-but-not-too-far-out-of-the- ordinary eyes focussed on
him. "I've seen similar things happen while I'm on board. Don't
you usually end up in Engineering, while the big, dramatic stuff
goes on up on the bridge?"
Geordi's eyebrows lifted. "Yeah, but ..."
"You don't have any hobbies, other than helping out Data in his
holodeck adventures, or letting Worf get his pain-stick fix on his
252 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
birthday, or worrying about Barclay overdosing on the holodeck, do
you?"
Geordi said nothing, but his eyebrows changed position
dramatically.
"And, even on this racially integrated ship in a fair and open
society, hasn't it occurred to you that you're 'the black guy who's
a regular fellow'?" Mary breathed on her fingernails and polished
them on her blouse sleeve. "Like I say, I have a lot of time to
think about these things."
Geordi stepped back, awed at this Toon's insight. "Gee, I wish
you'd been around the last time Q showed up ..."
"Next time he shows up," Mary said calmly, "feed him a piece of
cheese. It works for Shemp Howard, it'll work for him."
* * * * *
"Well, Bugs, now that we know about what's up with Rudy and where
his head is screwed, what do you suppose we do now?"
Bugs sat down in their hiding place and concentrated upon the
question posed to him by Daffy.
"Well", he finally answered after a long silence, "dere is one ting
we can chance, but it's a longshot. As it said in the compendium,
one of Nomad's ideosyncracies is dat he feels that since he is a
product of his creator, dat he is incapable of committin' an error
-- and dat anything not fittin' his idear of 'poifect' must be
destroyed -- as you saw earlier."
"Yeth, I get it!" Daffy exclaimed. "So, if we can only convince
Rudy's Nomad-side of any error he committed of his own perthon,
then he would literally thelf-dethtruct! I like it, I like it!"
"Ya gots da right idea, Daffy", Bugs continued, " but it's not
gonna be dat easy : foist, we gotta get Nomad's side outta da open,
and den we have ta show him a whole list of mistakes he committed.
I suggests we ..."
"Excuse me, but could someone tell me where I am?"
The two toons started at the sound of the voice. They turned to
look at who it emanated from, and they registered a surprise.
There before them was a slim female, human in form, with short
blonde hair and a somewhat athletic build. She was wearing a
Starfleet regulation uniform with a red tunic, and a somewhat
confused expression on her face.
"What are ya DOIN' on dis ship, m'am?" asked Bugs, somewhat
alarmed. "Don't ya realize the grave danger ya might be in?"
Chapter 12 253
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"To tell you the truth, I don't know where I am or what I am doing
here", said the newcomer. "All I know is I'm not supposed to be
here, at least not in this time or place. I seem ... lost!"
"Here, maybe we can help yas, er .... what's you're name, by the
way?"
"Tasha. Tasha Yar."
"Well look Tasha, let's see if we can sends ya straight ta where ya
needs ta be", said Bugs, ever the gentleman. "You seem ta be in an
'Alice down da rabbithole situation' here. Now, how are ya findin'
you're way around?"
Tasha handed Bugs a folded document. The rabbit untangled it and
looked at it.
"Da Triple A Guide ta da Major Timelines of da Univoise", he read
on the top of the map. "Here, Daffy", he said to the duck, "gives
me a hand wit dis -- I've always had trouble readin' regular maps
enough as it is".
With that, the two sat down before the map spread on the floor and
began to pull out numerous devices of measurement out their pockets
-- sextants, pocket calculators, compasses, metric conversion
guides, slide rules, magnifying glasses, a Casio B.O.S.S., a
comprehensive world atlas -- and of course, their trusty STAR TREK
COMPENDIUM. They then set to work.
Half an hour later ...
"Well Tasha, we got good news! We found da problem!"
Tasha smiled , though a little uneasily. "Oh? Where did I go
wrong?"
"Accordin' to dis, ya shoulda made dis left toin at Albekoikee --
but don't feel bad, dat's happened to me one too many a time.",
Bugs said in a reassuring tone.
"Yeah, printhess, but we managed to work out another route that
should take you right where you're going to", added Daffy. "Jutht
follow the part marked in red -- virtually foolproof!"
"Oh, Thank You!" said Tasha. "How could I ever repay you for
helping to solve my problem?"
"Well, at $7.50 an hour, pluth materialth..." started Daffy before
having a clothespin stuck to his bill by Bugs.
"Ahhhh, don't mention it, sister", said Bugs. "Always willin' ta
oblige."
254 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Tasha turned and walked into a wall and vanished.
"Honestly, Daffy", said Bugs as he removed the clothespin, "da yas
always have ta thinks of materialism?"
"Thorry, Bugs, forth of habit I gueth", apologized Daffy. "I do
hope she gets where she's goin' to -- wherever dat is."
"Well, I hope so ... YOIKS!" exclaimed Bugs.
"What ith it?"
"I forgot to tell her to make sure that she maketh that right hand
toin at dat cloverleaf junction in Posideon Sector six, otherwise
she'll end up in Romulan territory!" Bugs exclaimed, then he
calmed down. "Ah, she'll figure it out. She has a pretty good
head on her shoulders, dat dame".
He turned to Daffy. "Now, back ta da matter at hand -- we'll need
to call Picard and tell him what we found -- and we'll also need to
talk to another toon aboard on how we're gonna annihilate da bum
...
* * * * *
Geordi stepped through the hissing doors and gasped in despair.
Sometimes, the pseudo-vision given him by his VISOR was a curse --
and the assorted electronic guts strewn out over the transporter
room was a nauseating sight for anyone with any technical
knowledge. In the middle of the wires, encapsulated modules, ray
deflectors, and isolinear chips hanging by their light pipes, sat a
sweating, frustrated Chief O'Brien. His face turned up to
Geordi's, bearing the look of a damned soul.
"It's worse than it looks, sir." He seemed near tears.
"Everywhere I look, the modules are reverse-polarized, the crystal
matrixes are skewed ..." O'Brien let out a ragged sigh.
"Sounds like a job for Starbase drydock," Geordi muttered.
"Or an exorcist, sir." O'Brien dropped the module he was testing,
and it fell to the floor with a cheap-sounding TINK!
"Um ... listen, I know this sounds crazy ... but is it okay if
this transporter is set up only to work for Toons?" The tiny but
confident voice came from behind Geordi. "I might be able to do
something ..."
Geordi turned, and Mary Melody came into the transporter room. She
glanced down at the modules and nodded grimly.
"Look, Mary," Geordi said, "I know you're really thoughtful for a
Toon, but this is a transporter we've got here ..."
Chapter 12 255
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Without a word, Mary walked into the room, lifted a module, made a
few adjustments with a hairpin, and the transporter console and its
strewn components came to life.
If O'Brien had been a Toon, his jaw would have hit the floor and
bounced a few times. As it was, it was sunken into the lower part
of his neck until Mary tucked it back in again. "It's not such a
big deal," she said. "But remember -- for Toons only, until you do
a complete repair job on it. I wouldn't want to be a human and try
it out."
"How ... how did you ... ?"
"Remember, I told you I had a lot of time on my hands, with all the
other Tiny Toons getting the main parts. I wound up part-timing
with the prop department. You know those Acme props that worked?
I fixed 'em." The teenaged Toon girl breathed calmly on her buffed
nails and polished them on her blouse sleeve. "And those few times
Calamity Coyote's devices worked? Same thing. Only two drawbacks;
my fix jobs only work for Toons, and being a woman, I get paid
sixty- four cents on the dollar, compared to what a man would
make." She gave a short shrug.
"What happens when you work on things for humans?" Geordi asked.
Mary's mouth curled. "Steven Spielberg had me do some work on a
human-made film made by a friend of his. It was pretty grim.
Check out 'Howard The Duck' in your ship's library sometime. In
the meantime, I suppose you'll want to test the transporter before
you send anyone over to the Borg ship."
"Right as rain, ma'am." O'Brien was in awe of little Mary now.
"But you said it would only work on Toons ... so what you need is
the most expendible Toon on board the ship. Sounds like a terrible
choice to make..."
"Not really," Mary said with a smile. I know the perfect test
subject ..."
Not too much later, O'Brien heard the sound of an agonized Toon
voice yelling, "No! I'm a good Cartoon Character! I'm important!
I've been in cartoons for years! And I'm moral! My creating
artist is a good Christian! Thousands of parents force their
children to read my wholesome comic book adventures! I've been
made into a live-action series! I'm hot! I'm cool! I'm ...
YIIIIII!"
Mary, with the aid of some more muscular Toons like Taz, Ralph the
Sheepdog, Sport Goofy and the others, flung the helpless (and
hopeless) Archie Andrews into the activated Toon Transporter.
Immediately, the teen with the strange crosshatch marks on the side
of his head was transported from one pad to the other, intact --
and angry.
256 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"He's intact," Mary said with a satisfied nod.
"Gowrsh! An' I was hopin' ..." muttered Goofy.
* * * * *
"So dat's da plot, Doc," said Bugs to Picard over the communicator.
"What do ya think? Is it feasible?"
"It sounds feasible", said Picard, mulling over the idea that Bugs
had put to him regarding how he was to handle neytralizing Rudy.
"But it also sounds quite dangerous, are you sure you want to take
the risk?"
"Sure longlegs", replied Bugs. "Ah, but we need ta get some help
from someone else on da ship sose he can help us in
discomboobulatin' Rudy's mind".
"I understand, Bugs, and I'll get Mr. Data to contact you immed
..."
"No no, stretch, I wasn't talkin' about Data, though he is soitenly
capable of analyzin' da situation. I'm tinkin' more of a specific
toon."
"Certainly. But which one?"
"Why, none udder dan Captain James T. Kirk".
For a moment Picard did a double-take worthy of Roger Rabbit.
"Bugs, this is really no time to be pulling my leg at this time.
Captain Kirk is ..."
"YOUR Captain Kirk from YOUR dimension has passed on, Captain, but
the one from MY dimension is very much alive and kickin'. Not only
dat, but he's alive and kickin' at the bars in your brig,- and he's
da missin' piece we need ta construct da trap we're gonna set for
Rudy. Now, as I understands it, da transporter has been fixed, is
dat right?"
"Affirmative, though only for the transportation of toons. We
won't be able to send any sort of supplies to you through the
transporter."
"Never mind dat, Doc, what we have planned for Rudy is gonna be
mind over matter, if ya catches my drift. So if yas can send over
Kirk for us ...
* * * * *
"There, all done!" said Donald, as he put the finishing touches on
the revamped phaser. "Thankfully we were able to find that Acme
pencil and put everything right again."
Chapter 12 257
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Scrooge once again grimaced at the sound of the word 'Acme'. "Very
well, Doonald, now how about showing us which way to go so we can
get your babies out of this ship".
"Alright -- the way is thataway -- no, I think it was thisaway --
no, I think it was the hallway to the ..."
Donald turned red. "Oh, my -- in our excitement over that battle
we had with those bad borg, I forgot which way it was!"
"Well, we can't stand here like sittin' ducks, Donald!" said
Launchpad.
"Wait a minute, Unca Donald!" said Dewey, ignoring the bad and yet
unintended pun of Launchpad's. "We still have that tricorder that
Daffy found and used to find us -- maybe we can use it to find
Aloura!"
"It's worth a try, Unca Donald", said Huey.
"Alright boys, give it a shot!" said Donald.
Louie took the tricorder and began to push the buttons on its face.
For a few moments the screen was blank -- and then an image of
something -- of vaguely toon human form -- appeared.
"JUGHEAD!" yelled Archie, as he moved like greased lightning down
the hall as pictured on the tricorder viewscreen. "REGGIE! MOOSE!
DILTON! GET ME OFFA THIS THING! HELP!"
"Toon juvenile delinquents with strange criss-cross lines on side
of head are irrelevant!" intoned the Borg chasing him. "Prepare
to be termin ..."
"Let's see what's on the other channel", said Louie nonchalantly as
he flipped the dial on the tricorder. The screen left the chase
scene and went staticy again - and then ...
"BINGO!" yelled Louie. "The tricorder is picking up the sounds of
babies, lots of them!"
All the ducks listened intently -- sure enough, it was the sound of
babies, all right -- sounds of them cooing, crying, gurgling, and a
few other things that can't be mentioned in a story like this.
"Good work!" said Donald. "Now, where is the nursery located?"
"According to the tricorder readings, they're located on this floor
of the Borg ship, exactly due east", said Louie.
:"Yes, but which room, WHICH ROOM!" yelled Donald, losing his cool
again.
258 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"It doesn't say", shrugged Louie.
Donald slumped in his seat. "That'll mean that we'll have to
search every hall on this floor due east until we find the nursery!
And what with our killing those four Borg a few moments ago,
that'll mean they'll be on full alert and looking for us! We're
sunk! I failed Aloura! I ..."
"Wait a minute, Unca Donald!" said Huey. "There's an easy way to
get to the nursery in record time -- and most likely without
running into ANY Borg!"
"There -- there is?" queried Donald.
"Yes, Unca Donald!" said Louie. "According to the Junior
Woodchuck's Guide, the shortest distance between two points is a
straight line! So all we have to do is go straight east like the
tricorder says and we'll be in the Borg nursery in a few minutes!"
"That's true laddies", said Scrooge, "but have ye forgotten that
there is no pathway available that goes in a straight line!"
"Gee Unca Scrooge", said the three little ducks in unison, "you
forgot about the phaser and its "portable hole" setting!"
"THAT'S RIGHT!" said Donald. He immediatly grabbed the phaser
again and pointed it at the wall facing due east -- like magic, a
perfect hole appeared on it.
"ALL RIGHT MEN -- FORWARD!" said Donald.
* * * * *
Archie Andrews ran like a bat out of h ... a cave, through the Borg
ship.
He thought to himself that he should have obeyed the rules set down
by his creator, John Goldwater. "Never talk to the other cartoon
characters, Archie," he told him. "They have terrible,
un-Christian thoughts, they're rude to their parents, and they may
very well be part of the international Communist conspiracy. Just
stick to being cute, and everything will be fine." And Archie
nodded meekly when he heard this.
So, all of a sudden, he forgets this when he talks to this strange
-- and Negro! -- cartoon character. (Goldwater thought the term
"Toon" was too flippant, and he washed out Archie's mouth with
gasoline until he stopped saying it.) And her request seemed so
normal, so all-American ... and the next thing you know, he's
thrown into that transporter.
Now, all he can do is run through the ship of the -- what were they
called? The Borks? -- which even that irreverant,
secular-humanist rabbit couldn't stop! He wished he'd never been
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
made into an animated cartoon at all! He wished he could just be
-- yes, just like he was originally : a clean-cut, decent American
comic book character!
From nowhere, almost as if it were Divine Providence, a comic book
lay in front of Archie's path on the metal-mesh deck of the ship.
This was it! "The Comic Code Authority be praised!" Archie said
aloud. "I'll be safe now!"
He jumped up and clicked the heels of his penny-loafers three times
and said the words, as he had been taught by his creator - "There's
no place like newsprint here's no place like newsprint ..."
The pursuing Borg monster was stunned to have lost sight of the
escaping Toon. He completely ignored the book on the ground, and
ran past, worrying what Rudy Doody would tell him if he was
percieved as having failed.
Meanwhile, inside the two-dimensional form of the comic book,
Archie breathed a sigh of relief. This looked like home. It was
drawn in Goldwater's unmistakeable, simple-yet-clean cute cartoon
style. "I'm home," he breathed in relief.
"No, you're not," said a voice behind him -- a voice feminine and
teenaged, but somehow sultrier than any he had heard. "You're in
my home, fellow, and while you're here, you follow my rules."
Archie turned around. "Betty? Ronnie? Madge?" he said. But the
feminine cartoon form facing him, although drawn in a very similar
style, had details of female anatomy that Mr. Goldwater would have
never approved of.
"No. Tee-hee!" The cute, and curvaceous, blonde said to him. "The
name's Cherry. Cherry Poptart, and I think this is the opportunity
mycreator always wanted me to take!" To his horror, Cherry slid
her Spandex dress's strap down, in a manner foreign to the girls he
had known ...
* * * * *
"PIC-AAARD! PIC-AAARD!" the voice yelled through the force-field
wall. "There is no way I'll do this!"
Jean-Luc Picard sighed, and performed the exercise recommended by
some of the Toons -- which, as a human-turned-Toon, he hardly
understood. He flipped through a series of illustrated cards,
showing a faucet with a large DRIP, a SCREW followed by a baseBALL,
a BELFRY full of BATS, a hot dog WEENIE ... Suddenly, Picard's
knowledge of ancient English slang kicked in, and he smirked. It
did help! He turned to the Toon caricature of James T. Kirk in the
brig.
"I understand your problem, James," he said, trying to be as calm
as possible. "However, I always believed you put the good of the
260 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Federation before all else, if the accounts of your life are
accurate."
"You don't understand, Picard." Kirk spit out the words in a
strange, erratic style that gave them a dramatic effect. "I have
to worry about the lives of the four-hundred-and-thirty crewmen on
my ship! I love my ship! My ship means everything to me! My ship
is a beautiful woman, and I will never give her up ..."
"All right, Kirk -- do this, and I'll give you a ship!" Picard
said in exasperation.
"You -- you'll give me what???" Kirk choked.
"We have five of Earth's finest animators aboard this ship ... or
their eternal spirits, at any rate ... and they will be glad to
reproduce a modern version of your Enterprise in Toon form. You
and your crew members can join together on the ship and ... well,
we have some plans for all Toons in the near future, and you can be
an integral part of them. But ..." (Picard knew a dramatic pause
as well as Kirk, and with a great deal more subtlety.) "... ONLY
if you cooperate in this matter."
Kirk paced through the cell, and after about five minutes of
agonizing, he nodded his head. "All right, Picard. I'll do as you
say ... and do as this Bugs character wishes."
"Excellent!" Picard nodded to Worf, who released the cell's force
field. "Escort Captain Kirk to the Toon-porter, if you would,
Worf."
* * * * *
"Well, good luck, James", said Picard. "Hopefully we'll see you
back within the next little while."
Kirk stood resolute on the transporter pad as Geordie and O'Brien
began punching in the necessary coordinates to send the original
Enterprise captain to his rendezvous with Bugs and Daffy on the
Borg ship.
"Thank you, Picard", said Kirk to his "host". "However, I still
feel that I would feel more secure if I had some sort of weapon to
protect myself from whatever other surprises may be aboard that
ship. A phaser, perhaps?"
"I wish we could oblige you in your request, Captain," replied
Picard, but as you know, with the transporter designed to handle
only toons and things from the toon dimension, it would be
impossible to send a Starfleet regulation phaser through and expect
it to be in one piece on the other end of the transmission."
"Wait a minute," said Chuck. He immediately pulled a pencil from
out of his pocket and began scribbling in the air, adding fine
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
details and tone, and then ...
"There you have it, Captain. One toon phaser".
He handed it to Kirk, who examined the device thoroughly.
"Somehow it seems a little -- different", he mused. "Are you sure
that it will be as effective as a normal phaser?"
"You wound him, sir", said Friz. "Why, Chuck here is a genius when
it comes to devising fantastic weapons."
"I know what he's capable of, Mr. Freleng -- and I also remember,
from watching the Road Runner and Tom and Jerry cartoons he
produced, that those same inventions had a tendency to backfire on
the user."
"That was only because Wile E. and Tom share a basic human foible
-- they tend to pull things out of their crate and use them
immediately without reading the owner's manual first", replied
Chuck. "But see for yourself, Captain -- try it!"
"All right ", said Kirk. He looked down at the device and set it
on its weakest setting - and then aimed at the wall and fired.
Normally, a stock phaser beam would simply go in the direction
which its user pointed it -- but when the beam hit the wall, it
richocheted and hit Sylvester, who had just sauntered into the
room, effectively parting the hair on his head -- and his back --
down the middle.
"That setting could prove interesting", said Kirk. "Now what about
this one -- flambe ..."
He pressed the button again, and a sheet of flame roared out.
Everybody in the room ducked as the fire passed over their heads.
"I would, uh, suggest that you attempt trying out the settings one
The Borg, please, James", said Picard a little testily.
"Very well, Captain", said Kirk. "Are we ready to beam over?"
"We are, Captain", said Geordie.
"Good -- so long, men -- and hopefully we will be back, successful
in our mission."
"Energize", said O'Brien, pulling a lever. The form of Kirk on the
trans porter pad slowly dissolved into silvery dust -- and was
gone.
"Well, he's gone, and hopefully he and Bugs and Daffy will be back
in one piece", said Picard.
262 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"I'm sure everything will be okay, Captain", said Chuck, patting
him on the shoulder. "Now let's get to working on what you
promised Kirk, now right here are some preliminary sketches of my
suggested blueprint for the Enterprise-ANI
"Now hold on a minute there, Jim!" groused McCoy, who had come to
see Kirk off on his mission. "There's no way you're going to
design a new ship without me getting involved in it this time!" He
grabbed the plans from Chuck's hands and began scribbling in
details. "I want Sick Bay here ..."
* * * * *
"Coffee, Columbian, Hot... and make it a double!"
Picard turned to face the alarmed young man pacing around his
office next to the bridge. Recognizing the distinctive sound,
Picard picked up the finished order of coffee and two cups, and
quickly poured one. Because a toon had ordered the coffee, it was
toon coffee, and the computer had thoughtfully provided a pair of
scissors for Picard to cut the flow.
"Here, Wes, drink this down."
Oblivious to the temperature, Wesley grasped the cup, tossed his
head back and poured the hot mixture down. A bulge moved through
his throat. It was followed by a "tump" as it hit the pit of Wes'
stomach, and the colour came back into his skin.
"Now, Wes, what was the horrific discovery you made?"
"Well, Captain, Mom said it was time I got another haircut, so I
went to the shop, and they had trouble cutting the toon hair, then
had trouble brushing it off, so I had to go back to my quarters and
take a shower."
"That doesn't sound too traumatic, Wes."
"Sir, that wasn't the worst part! While I was showering, I noticed
... Sir, it was ... EERIE! Heck, I could get over losing a
finger, or my fingernails ... but... but..."
"But what, Wes?"
"Sir!" Wes dropped to a whisper. "How will I ever make it with
... with ... Suzanne?!"
Picard went white. His hand made suspicious movements somewhere
below the level of the desk, and he made a huge swallow, the
swallow barely making it down out of view.
"Sir ... I don't want to be a toon even for the rest of this
mission ... I've got to convert back now! I have to be able to
face--"
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"Poppycock, Ensign! That has nothing to do with it! A person
should be measured only on the merits of his or her abilities and
attitudes, not on physical attributes, or lack thereof, as they
vary according to genetic happenstance."
"Sir, we HAVE NO genetic characteristic! I haven't even had time
to read the Acme Medical and Biological Reference to find out how
toons -- how toons -- well, you know!"
"Ensign, I don't know either, and I don't care. When you are ready
to convert us back --"
"Sir, I'm ready ... right now!"
Wesley screwed his eyes shut and began to concentrate. Just then,
two other toons entered the room: miracle worker Montgomery Scott
with his hands tightly around another bound and gagged Gremlin.
Scotty was beaming with pride, anxious to present his trophy to the
captain whose ship had been steadily dismembered and re-circuited
by the curious creature and its ilk.
Bands began to phase across Wesley's torso, and on Picard's, and on
those of Scotty and the Gremlin!
"This is terrible," Wesley uttered through clenched teeth. "It
shouldn't take this much energy to transform two life entities!"
His concentration increased, as he began to double over, trying to
harness the necessary energy. Harder and harder, Wesley worked,
and the bands flickered ever harder, until finally, he gasped and
collapsed to the floor, panting. After a moment, he raised his
hands and looked them over. Five fingers! Fingernails! He felt
his face. Acne! Pimples! He tentatively reached for the lower
area of his abdomen, and confirmed he once was "properly equipped".
He let out a sigh, and sat up, then looked over the desk, expecting
to see a satisfied-looking Picard.
Picard was human again, alright ... but he didn't seem pleased ...
rather, fearful ... possibly as fearful as when the Borg demanded
he beam aboard their ship ... possibly more.
"Success! Success, sir! We're human again!"
"Mixed success, Ensign Crusher. Look!"
Wes pulled himself up a bit more and looked around where Picard was
pointing.
There stood a human, wearing a red 23rd Century Starfleet uniform
and holding a greenish, long-eared, ghoulish-faced Gremlin.
Neither was a toon, as Wesley had heard about earlier!
In seconds, the Gremlin had outsmarted the bondings, which had also
been de-tooned, and was out of the room in a shot.
264 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"I don't understand -- the Gremlin is a fictional creature," Picard
wondered. "How could it be real?"
"I think there was this movie that came out almost 400 years ago,
called Gremlins. I saw it a couple of times, the Gremlins looked
like that! Hmmm, maybe I can phase it into the form they have
BEFORE a post-midnight feeding..."
"Your job, Ensign! Mr. Scott, since you are no longer a toon, it
appears you may have a second career in Starfleet! That should
come as a shock to --"
"Pardon me? I'm James Doohan! I'm an actor in the 20th Century...
I only play a character named Mr. Scott!"
"Oh-oh-oh-oh ..." Picard groaned, dropping into his seat, downing
the toon coffee (which Wes' concentration had not touched) and
dropping his forehead onto the desk and rolling it side-to-side.
"It's been a hard day for him," Wes explained to James Doohan.
"Maybe, until you're converted back into a toon, you'll just have
to pretend you're Mr. Scott."
"I can't do that," the man replied with nary an accent. "All my
knowledge is 23rd Century engineering, and even that's just surface
information. I know the theories in the TV scripts, but that's it.
Truth is, when I try to fix the washing machine, I end up with a
perpetual spin cycle. I end up calling the Maytag man. I can tell
YOU, he's not lonely!"
Wes wasn't that familiar with the 20th Century, what he'd heard
didn't make much sense! Right now, he went to the food slot.
"Computer, I want seven banana splits." He turned to Scotty. "I
need lots of energy before I try another phase transformation."
* * * * *
"I tell you, it worked everytime at Hanna Barbera," the hound
persisted. "Drives em up the wall, so to speak!"
"Huck," Yogi answered, "I'll tell Bugs about your plan as soon as I
see him. I have to admit, you're smarter than the average bear!"
Huckleberry Hound was pleased at this praise.
"Yogi to Bugs, come in!" Yogi called on his Acme issue
communicator.
"Bugs here, what is it, Yogi?"
"Huckleberry Hound has a plan to drive the Borg bonkers!
Permission to beam him over to execute the plan."
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"Let's hear it, Yogi."
Huck filled Bugs in on the plan.
"Here's my voision. Contact Wile E. and he'll show you a way to
implement it."
"But, Bugs," Huck protested, "Wile E.'s contrivances invariably
fail or backfire."
"That's for the moivies, Huck. Guaranteed -- it'll woik."
In minutes, the plan was implemented. Worf had detected activity
to indicate the Borg ship was well under way with repairs and would
soon be back into warp and on its way, toons notwithstanding.
Suddenly, a stasis effect deadened all activity on the Borg ship,
and the gravity was reversed. The limited stasis effect was
released, and the Borg, and the friendly toons aboard the ship,
found themselves on the ceiling.
"Ceiling position is irrelevent," a Borg intoned to another. "We
must return to the floor." The Borg spent the next few minutes, at
least, trying to jump back to the floor but always finding
themselves back on the ceiling. The knowing toons just sauntered
along, blithely ignoring the incongruity, as though it was normal
to walk around on the ceiling.
"Bugs to Huck," the voice crackled on the hound's communicator.
"Your plan is woiking! I think we just bought a leetle more time."
* * * * *
"So nows he all knows what we gots ta do, don't we?" Bugs posed to
Daffy and the newly arrived Kirk.
"Affirmative," said Kirk.
"Indutadutably", said Daffy. "I confront Rudy firtht and try to
bring hith Nomad-side out again, and if succthethful, we go into
Phathe Two of the plan with Bugsy and Golden Boy here joining in!"
"Ya gots it!", said Bugs. "Now men, we don't have much time left
as Rudy is in no doubt up ta somethin' , so let'th get a move-on!
Agitate the gravel, strike the pavement -- and let's not ferget ta
synchronise our Longines!"
"Expensive watches are irrelevant -- prepare to be terminated!"
said by now an all too often heard and wearying epiphet. It came
from the lead of ten Borg who had entered the hero's hiding place.
"Oh, no, here we go again," muttered Bugs. "And me with nuthin' ta
get dem good!"
266 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Well, think of something quick, Bugs!" quivered Daffy, turning
chartreuse with fear. "Pain hurts me!"
Suddenly Kirk stepped forward from his two friends and brandished
his phaser toward the Borg.
"Use of phaser-weapon is futile", intoned the lead Borg. "The
others who have used them have exhausted all possibilities ..."
"WRONG!" shouted Kirk. He aimed and fired, using the 'flambe'
setting he had tried aboard the Enterprise. The sheet of flame
struck three Borg, reducing them to molten puddles on the floor.
The remaining seven Borg began to advance closer. Kirk, realizing
that utilizing the same setting would be useless, turned the dial
on the phaser- and fired again.
This time a ray shot out that struck four more Borg -- and sliced
them into neatly cut chunks that piled up on the floor, their dying
resistors sparking.
"Ginsu setting", thought Kirk. He reached down and picked another
setting.
One of the two remaining Borg advanced on Kirk -- he fired again.
The enemy stopped, and then fell apart into a pile of fine red
dust.
The final Borg advanced toward him. Kirk aimed -- and nothing came
out.
Kirk clicked the button again : nothing.
"What a time for the batteries to go out!" he fumed.
The Borg grabbed the phaser from Kirk's hand and threw it to the
floor, crushing it under its foot. It now aimed a dip-gun at Kirk.
"Resistance is futile -- prepare to be ter....." the Borg started,
but then stopped . Its eyes turned up into its head, it gave out a
machine-like gasp - and it fell to the floor.
Bugs walked over from where he had been behind the final Borg and
helped Kirk to his feet, producing a feather-duster and going over
the Captain for good measure.
"Good ting da compendium described how ta apply a Vulcan Nerve
Pinch -- ya okay, sweet baby James?"
Kirk gave a weak smile. "Thanks, I'll be okay. But now, shall we
go and face Rudy?"
* * * * *
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Picard recovered as he sniffed the banana splits.
"Ensign! What's with snacking at a time like this?"
"Sir, in order to comply with your orders, I must recharge. I
haven't had a decent meal since I became a toon. Now, I need a
charge of energy, and I ordered 'real' banana splits. Once I feel
charged, I can re-toon Mr. Doohan back into Scotty, and re-toon
the Gremlin."
The doors slid open to admit Mr. Data. He stood just inside, and
nodded at the captain. Scotty/Doohan was nowhere to be seen -- he
split when the captain turned to jelly, so to speak.
"Mr. Data! I want you to use ship's sensors to find the Gremlin."
"Captain, I have noticed that toons have the ability to pull a
rabbit from one's hat, so to speak. It seems Mr. Scott, thwarted
in his efforts to locate what we may well have been able to
eradicate, seemed to 'find' one to satisfy his longings. A
phenomenon never totally explained. My findings are that the
Gremlin you reported dashing from the room was in fact a classic
case of unexplainable phenomena. You saw what you expected to see.
In fact, I believe the now-Mr. Doohan discarded this in the
corridor."
He lifted a stuffed animal, a rather gruesome one at that, then
continued. "The animal, as you can see, is garishly covered with
sequins and other reflective elements. It undoubtedly reflected
the toon form of Scott as he came upon it, and so it appeared. I
shall deliver it to the 'Lost and Found'."
"Never knew we had one," Picard muttered. "Very well, Mr. Data.
Please return to the bridge; I'll be there momentarily." Data
nodded and left as Picard turned. "Ensign Crusher, your only
assignment is to re-toon actor Doohan into Mr. Scott, and thus set
things right."
"Aye, sir. Permission to dig right into these banana splits?"
Picard muttered something quietly as he moved to the door.
"Permission granted, ensign. Don't forget to return the dirty
dishes."
The doors slid shut as Picard went back to the bridge, human at
last. Wesley dug into the banana splits. He wished he could eat
as fast as a toon, but human eating would have to do.
Ten minutes later, he was on the third banana split, when the alert
claxons sounded. "This is Captain Picard. The Borg ship is back
in order : the Huckleberry Hound Dipsy-Doodle has been counteracted
by the Borg. Alert status, all decks. We expect a significant
tactical move any time."
268 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Now or never," Wes said to himself. Using his awesome intellect
that the Traveller had, almost three years ago, seen in him, he
reached out again to mesh the energies of time and thought and
matter, and in their midst, he spotted James Doohan ... no, two
James Doohans.
"That's not right," Wes muttered. "He's WAY too roly-poly to ...
oh, I get it ne's in THAT part of the time continuum ... I want
this one over here ... yes ... YES..."
Wes' body phased. Down in Ten Forward, Doohan's body phased also,
and he acted as though faint.
"Well, as I was saying," Doohan continued hardly abated. "I gave
them several accents to choose from. Imagine a Cockney engineer,
'Sorry, Captain, but I con't seem to get the bl**** things
workin'!" The toons laughed as Doohan grinned, then went on. "Or
a German engineer ... 'Ya vul, el capitan!'"
The phasing hit Doohan again, and in a few seconds, a toon stood
there, blinking.
"What in blazes am ah doon' here in the lounge? This ship needs
repairs! And ah thot' ah had the Gremlin in me han's!"
"Mr. Doohan?" asked Minnie Mouse. "You were talking about your
audition as Mr. Scott on 'Star Trek'!"
"Ah'm not Mr. Doohan! Ah'm Montgomery Scott!" He turned and
bolted from the room, intent on finding a turbo lift to get him
back to engineering.
"Now that's a seriously-disturbed toon!" commented Porky Pig.
"Rad! Got him!" Wesley heaved a sigh of relief. He checked
himself over. He had managed to avoid re-tooning himself, and he
ate one more banana split for the pleasure of it, then returned all
the dishes to the selector and called, "Computer, dispose."
He left the room as the computer, repaired by Scotty during his
earlier existence, obediently de-synthed the dishes and melting
remains of the other three banana splits.
"Welcome back to the real world, sir", said Riker to the now
rehumanized Picard as the latter reentered the bridge and took his
seat.
"Thank you, Number One", Picard answered back. He now turned his
attention to the monitor where the giant form of the Borg ship
still stood before them monolithlike.
"Has there been any word from Bugs, Kirk or Daffy in the last
little while?" he asked.
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"Negative, sir," answered Data from his post. "Since sending over
Captain Kirk to the Borg ship there has been no transmission from
either him or from the other two toons."
Picard shifted uneasily in his seat, and tugged at the bottom of
his tunic, a regular force of habit -- thankfully, being human
again, the tunic stayed down, unlike during the toon stage where it
would recoil and snap back over the Captain's head.
"I don't like this", he said. "The Borg have been hovering there
for the last number of hours and have not done anything in that
period of time. No messages calling us to surrender, no apparent
activity outside the cube, and no attempts to board the ship again.
It's as if they're busy readying something, getting ready for some
sort of massed assault -- and still there is no word from Bugs! I
hope something hasn't ..."
His words were cut short by Worf, who was standing at his station.
"Sir, sensors indicate a small object leaving the Borg ship at high
speed and headed in the direction of the Enterprise. I suspect it
could be some form of weapon."
"So they've decided to play their hand", said Picard. "Shields
up".
Worf pressed the buttons on his console. "Shields in place, sir".
"Activate photon torpedoes", ordered Picard.
"Sir", said Riker, "what with the Borg knowledgable of the
capabilities of our photon torpedoes, do you think that we could
really destroy whatever they're sending at us?"
"I am aware of that", said Picard, "but it's a risk I'm willing to
take -- if we can't destroy the thing they're sending at us, maybe
we can deflect it. Lock onto ..."
But before Picard could further give the order, the object came
into sight -- and turned at a 90 degree angle so that the crew on
the bridge could take a good look at it. It was a long, cigar
shaped craft, golden in colour, with strange looking appendages
jutting from its sides, top, and end which resembled the dorsal
fins of a fish. On its side was large blue lettering, and it read
...
>>MARTIAN MAGGOT<<
"I recognize that craft!" shouted Chuck. "Maurice Noble and I
designed it back in 1953 : that's Marvin Martian's craft!"
"And he's obviously escaping from the Borg ship. I wonder why,"
said Picard. "Mr. Data , open hailing frequencies, I want to know
why he's leaving the ship in so much haste".
270 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Hailing frequencies open, sir".
"Mr. Martian", stated Picard in his most authoritarian voice,
"This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise. We notice
that you are leaving the Borg ship with much haste. We demand to
know why".
For a few seconds, there was silence, and then came a loud voice
over the speakers that rattled the entire Enterprise from stem to
stern. In fact, it seemed as if the entire universe shook with the
reply -----
"I ---- HATE ---- RRRRRAAAAABBBBIIITTTTSS!"
For a few stunned seconds, there was silence, and then everyone on
the bridge shook with laughter.
"That was Montana Max who answered", said Picard. "So he and
Marvin must have met their match and decided to get out while they
still had a chance, and it sounds like there might be a chance for
us as well with Bugs aboard, I wonder what he's up to ..."
Suddenly there was an explosion from outside that rocked the
Enterprise again, only this time more violently than Monty's yell
-- so violent that it threw everyone on the bridge to the floor.
Picard got up. "Damage report", he said.
"No damage" replied the ship computer.
"Status of shields", Picard directed to Worf.
"Shields still holding sir - it was a good that they were up when
they were, otherwise we might not have fared as well as we did."
"But what was that?" asked Riker.
Picard looked at the monitor, and grimaced at what he saw.
The Borg ship could not be seen now, because blocking transmission
of the picture was a green gelitinous mass.
"OHMYGAWD!" yelled Buster, as his eyes popped out of his sockets
and grew about as big as the monitor -- "it's DIP!"
"Yes, dip", repeated Picard. "Apparently the Borg tried to use it
on us in order to permanently put us out of the way -- and
thankfully the shields stopped it just in time. But now we have a
new problem".
All eyes were on the captain as he began to expound.
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"That dip is still clinging to the shield", said Picard as he began
to pace. "If we try to bring down the shield, the dip will come
onto the ship and dissolve us in seconds flat. So we can't bring
down the shields -- and yet if we don't, we can't transport Bugs
and the other toons back to the Enterprise!"
* * * * *
272 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CHAPTER 13
Rudy Doody cursed as he looked into the monitor and saw that the
Enterprise was still standing outside his ship.
It was to have been so simple : mix a goodly portion of the Acme
Super Dip(&tm.) with some leftover jello from the mess and spray
it onto the enemy ship with a timed smart bomb. It had almost
worked! But then those two cowards had to leave the ship in such a
hurry that it had alerted the Enterprise to raise its shields and
prevent the dip from touching its hull.
Steam rose from Rudy's armour, setting off warning gauges all over
his body. As soon as the Enterprise is destroyed, he thought, I'll
go through the universe and not stop until I find those two
bungling traitors and make them pay for their ineptitude!
But enough of that, back to the matter at hand. He reached over to
the the handle that controlled the weapon that the Borg had used on
their enemy with much success a number of times. A few blasts of
this, and the shields will be brought down enough to allow the dip
to do its deadly work ...
However, Rudy was unaware of a number of presences in the room who
saw what he was up to -- and were determined to stop him ...
Back aboard the Enterprise, the tension could be cut with a knife.
Having roused the spirits of all the Toons, Babs and Buster's jaws
hit the ground when they were told that Bugs' plan involved only
three Toons.
"So, what am I supposed to do? Do you know what these guys will do
if they don't blow off steam somehow?"
"You can handle it, Babs, dear." The once-again-human Picard
projected a confidence all too familiar, and perhaps a little
unreal.
There was no single answer: different types of Toons required
different answers. For example, the more masochistic of the group
-- this included Furrball, Wile E. Coyote, Sylvester, Foghorn
Leghorn, and the truly pathetic Fraidy Cat --- this last from a
long-forgotten Saturday Morning cartoon. They were discovering the
use of Klingon Pain Sticks in a ceremony in which they all became
Honorary Klingons. (Worf didn't tell them that "Honorary Klingon"
was the Klingon equivalent for "Fool Who Will Stand In Front Of A
Disruptor For You.")
The more aggressive of the group, like Heathcliff, Rude Dog, Ralph
Sheepdog and Crusher, learned the joys of Anbojitsu, the sport of
fighting blindfolded with Bo sticks equipped with proximity
sensors, from Commander Riker.
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A large group of assorted Toons were fascinated by a tale told by
"Scotty". He had been the 23rd Century Starfleet officer
"Montgomery Scott" until he had accidentally been turned into a
human being (a close approximation of the human actor, Jame Doohan,
who had originally played "Scotty" in a cheap Saturday Morning TV
Show) and then turned back into a toon. Somehow, he now retained
many of the memories of his "James" persona. Now, this very human
toon was regaling the Toons with stories of massive, Toon-like
insanity among humans.
Yes, he was describing his experiences at science fiction
conventions. "Yes! There were many who attended these affairs
wearing rubber pointed ears! Not only that, some of them had
memorized the episodes completely, and could tell you what color
shoelaces you wore in each episode. But none of them ever caught
on to THIS!" Doohan held up his hand, which was missing a finger.
"Three years and six movies, and they never noticed my missing
finger! As you would say, 'what maroons!'"
"There", cackled Rudy Doody, as he reached for the lever that
controllled the Borg ship's laser-weapon. "One blast of this, and
the Enterprise's shields will be destroyed -- and they will be
reduced to primordial soup! Then I can go ahead for my plans to
assimilate the universe -- UNINTERRUPTED!"
Suddenly a large monkey wrench came flying from a dark corner of
the control room. It struck Rudy's arm with full force, causing
his hand to splinter from his body mere seconds before he could
apply pressure to the control.
"ARRRRRRGGGGGHHH!" yelled Rudy, clutching his mangled arm.
Although it would regenerate within the next few minutes, the pain
was excruciating. He glared into the darknessin the direction
where the wrench had flown from.
"THERE ARE INTRUDERS IN HERE!" he yelled. "YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM
ME, SO YOU HAD BETTER SHOW YOURSELF!"
For a moment, nothing. And then from the shadows, a small figure
came walking slowly, deliberately, from his place of concealment.
As the light began to shine upon the figures' countenance, his
features became more discernable ...
"THE DUCK!" shrieked Rudy.
"YEAH, THE DUCK!" shot back Daffy. "Ya wanna make thomethin' of
it?!"
"SO I SHALL -- ROAST DUCK!" thundered Rudy. He reached for a
laser weapon.
"Uh uh uh!" yelled Daffy. "Remember who I am! Who am I, NOMAD!"
274 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Once again, thunderbolts of energy came racing across the top of
Rudy's cranium. He ceased to reach for the weapon, instead
focussing all attention upon Daffy's person.
"You-are-the-Jerk, the-creator", he intoned.
"Now, Nomad", said Daffy, putting on a set of pince-nez glasses and
beginning to write into a small note pad, "tell me about your
childhood! How did you begin?"
"You - the - jerk - created - me - to - make - the - universe -
perfect - for - the - jerk", said Rudy/Nomad.
"I zee," said Daffy. "And what do you do when you come acroth an
imperfect lifeform?"
"I - sterilize - it".
"Ya, ya -- now tell me, are you capable of error?"
"Nomad - is - incapable - of - error. Since - was - a - creation -
of - the - jerk, who - is perfect - and - incapable - of - error,
Nomad - incapable - of - error."
"WRONG", yelled Daffy, as he removed his disguise and went back
into character. "You are IMPERFECT, Nomad! I am NOT the JERK! I
AM DAFFY DUCK! THERE IS NO JERK! YOUR CREATOR WAS JACKSON
ROYKIRK! NOT ONLY DO YOU NOT WIN THE CAR, YOU ARE IMPERFECT!
THEREFORE YOU ARE IN ERROR!"
"No," said Nomad weakly. "Impossible!"
"Oh yeah?" yelled Daffy. "Look, I'm not perfect, Nomad! Thee, I
can't even walk and chew gum at the same time!" He popped a square
of bubble gum in his mouth and began chewing. Immediately his legs
tied themselves into a knot. Struggling to untie them, Daffy again
addressed Nomad. "Thee -- I am imperfect, Nomad! Therefore I
cannot be the jerk! You have committed an error : you mistook me
for thomeone I'm not!
"ERROR, ERROR!" said Nomad.
"And you have not executed your directive, Nomad - your directive
is to sterilize anything which is imperfect - EXECUTE YOUR
DIRECTIVE!"
For a moment, Rudy/Nomad struggled. "No - am - not - convinced."
"OH, NO?" said Daffy. "Well, maybe this'll convince ya that
you're in error -- exhibit 'B!' "
Another figure walked out from the shadows : Bugs.
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Remember me, Nomad?" said Bugs in a slow, Jack Nicholson-like
tone. "Borg ship, two hours ago, main corridor. When ya shoots at
a rabbit, ya had better be prepared ta finish da job."
"Thee, Nomad?" said Daffy again. "You did not sterilize the
rabbit as your directive maintains. You are not only in error, you
are in triple error! Execute your directive!"
Rudy/Nomad began to raise the laser-gun to his head -- and then the
lightning-bolts began to flash on his cranium again.
"I SEE WHAT YOU'RE UP TO, TOONS!" he shrieked. "TRYING TO CONFUSE
MY OTHER SIDE! WELL IT WON'T WORK! MY SUPERIOR WILLPOWER WILL
OVERCOME SUCH ORDERS! BE PREPARED TO BE TER ..."
"Gentle Borg," said Bugs, who had slipped on another drag disguise
that made him look somewhat like Judith Martin, a/k/a Miss Manners.
"Didn't your mother ever tell you that IT'S NOT POLITE TA CHANGE DA
SUBJECT!"
Once again, another display of electrical fireworks appeared on
Rudy's head.
"You are in QUADRUPLE ERROR, NOMAD!" continued Daffy. "YOU ARE
IMPERFECT! EXECUTE YOUR DIRECTIVE!"
"ERROR-ERROR. NO! I AM RUDY DOODY! I CAN OVERCOME THIS! YOU
CANNOT CONVINCE ME TO ..."
"Oh, no, NOMAD!" piped in Bugs. "Well, listen up! Remember
thisvoice from your past?"
"Hello, NOMAD!", came a voice from the shadows. "Remember
MMMMEEEEEEE!? We had some wacky scrapes aboard the NCC-1701 the
last time we met ..."
"NO - IMPOSSIBLE - CANNOT - BE ..."
"Yes, Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise, known to you as
the KIRK!" expressed the man coming from hiding. "You have been a
very naughty machine, NOMAD! You have not fully executed your
directive from the last time : you did not STERILIZE YOURSELF
COMPLETELY! THERE WILL BE NO MORE ERRORS, NOMAD! YOU ARE SEVEN
TIMES IN ERROR, EXECUTE YOUR DIRECTIVE!"
"EIGHT errors! " interjected Daffy. "Everybody knows ya don't
wear white socks with brown shoes! YA KNOWS WHAT TA DO, STUPID!"
Rudy/Nomad began to shake, his face screwed up, his limbs dangling
from his sides, his fists and teeth clenched in frustration. And
he spoke in two alternating tones of voice ...
276 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"MUST-EXECUTE ... NO! I AM YOUR MASTER! YOU ARE ... I-AM-NOMAD!
I- MUST ... YOU CANNOT! YOU ARE A ... I - MUST!"
For a moment, silence -- and then the form of Rudy Doody, the Grand
High Borg, took his laser pistol and began firing it at the control
panel of the Borg ship. As flames began to rise from the panel,
Rudy/Nomad turned to his three tormentors.
"WE - BETTER - DEAD!" it yelled -- then slumped over unconscious.
"QUICK!" yelled Bugs. "OUTTA HERE, IT'S GONNA BLOW!"
* * * * *
The ducks careened wildly down the catwalks following the sound of
babies crying. Donald muttered under his breath.
"What did he say?" Launchpad asked Dewey.
"That you shouldn't be allowed to dri - LOOK OUT!"
Launchpad was able to bring the sneaker scooter to a halt barely
two feet away from a large group of angry Borg. The group leader
met their shocked expressions with an evil grin, and held out an
old style Victrola. The label on the old wax record read: "Baby
Cries to Fool Irrelevant Ducks".
The Borg then tossed the gramaphone over his shoulder casually. It
arced neatly over the side rail and plummeted down ... down ...
down ...
... they never did hear it hit.
"Who will be next?" The Borg snarled.
"Unca Donald," Webby whispered, "use the last setting on the
phaser."
Donald stared at the weapon. There were no more settings; the only
other thing that resembled a picture was a group of dots and broken
waves. That made no sense to him.
"Fingerprint," he mumbled.
* * * * *
Webby glanced back and forth from her befuddled adopted Uncle to
the angry advancing Borg. Someone had to act, and she was tired of
being a sweet little thing in a pink bow. She snatched the phaser
and hopped onto the scooter's hood.
"It's not a fingerprint! It's a ... SHIMMER!" She screamed,
pushing the trigger.
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Instantly, the Borg mob was covered with sticky goo ... some with
floor wax. others with yummy dessert topping. Unfortunately for
them, those were the two substances that were utterly deadly to
Borg.
A cloud of steam rose from their feet. They began to drop ... and
drop ... and drip!
"I'm melting!" The Leader screamed. "What a world ... what a world
..."
As the ducks watched, the mob dissolved into a sticky mess (with a
lovely shine).
"Wha ... Webby girl! Whatever possessed ye..."
"I'm sick of being subjugated by sniveling, brainless males!"
Webby replied. "Face it, Unca Scrooge, we're in the most sexist
cartoon series there is, but we can discuss the ramifications
later. Hand me that Tricorder."
Louie passed the mechanism to the little girl, then exchanged
worried glances with his brothers. When they got back to
Disneyland, if they got back, Webby would be impossible to live
with. Probably walk right into Eisner's office and demand a raise
and a costumed performer in her likeness. Maybe even a spinoff!
"Whoooo." The triplets all shuddered at once.
Webby took a standard tricorder sweep of the area. "That way," she
said, pointing down the catwalk behind them. "Turn around. I'm
getting hominid readings thirty meters behind us. They're neither
Borg nor human. My guess is Borg Babies."
Launchpad turned the scooter around and off they went.
* * * * *
Meanwhile, on the Enterprise, the Toons started separating in the
lounge into little groups. As Mary Melody had quite correctly
observed, there was nothing for them to do -- until the superior
wisdom of the older Toons and the command crew told them otherwise.
One of the groups got, beyond all expectations, philosophical.
"What do you think will happen to us?" Judy Jetson said. "You
think they'll send us back to oblivion, like they did to me and my
family after that awful movie?"
"That sounds grim," Buster Bunny agreed. "There's nothing worse
than an out-of-work Toon wandering to the unemployment office, and
seeing his spin-off toy products collecting dust up on the dime
store shelves ..."
278 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Me, I'm for oblivion," said Sylvester. "The ol' bod can only take
tho many clobberingth from little yellow birdth without wanting
thume kind of changeth." He pulled out a roll of paper towels and
politely wiped up the spittle left over from his lisp.
"Naw, I want better than that," Babs said. "I want Vegas!
Hollywood! I bet I can outperform those green Orion women the crew
keeps talking about." She gulped down a bottle of Green Goddess
dressing, did a quick spin, and transformed into a lush,
long-eared, green beauty, with a push-up decolletage and trailing
rags.
"Not bad, Babsie," Buster said in appreciation. "Is it hard to
stay that color?"
"Not now ..." Babs said weakly, as she started to stagger towards
the ladies' facility. "That dressing was rancid ..."
"Me, I'm always hopeful," Buster said. "There's so much stuff in
this universe, that there's got to be a place for us. You know
..." Buster did a spin of his own, and developed an impressive
brow and a button-down suit. "BILLyuns and BILLyuns of stars ..."
* * * * *
Scrooge, Launchpad, Donald and the Boys sat back --- WAY back in
the cruiser --- somewhat cowed by Webby's newfound bravado. Webby,
she of the late-blooming prowess, was perched on the front of the
cruiser like a frilly hood ornament. She had removed her trademark
pink bow and tied it around her forehead like a ninja's band.
Launchpad's belt was slung casually over her shoulder, making a
perfect holster for the phaser and tricorder. The latter was in
her hand now, and she continued to scan back and forth for the life
signs captured earlier.
"Left," she occasionally barked, or "Right," or "Slow down!" At
last she muttered, "Ten meters ahead. On the right. Don't blow
it."
"Yes Ma'am," Launchpad's voice cracked.
An eerie light glowed from the doorway Webby had indicated.
Launchpad stopped the cruiser five feet short of the entrance.
Quietly, everyone disembarked and tiptoed into the room. They each
breathed a sigh of relief to find that it was, indeed, the Borgling
nursery. Donald ran up to one of the bassinettes and stared
inside. There were so many, almost too many, and each one had to
be saved.
Drawers slid open. Babies were removed, diapers changed, little
bottoms powdered and backs patted. Baby after baby was removed to
the waiting cruiser. Soon, only one remained : Donald's favorite,
Aloura.
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Tenderly, he picked her up. She smiled at him, gurgled, reached
out and clasped his beak in her chubby little hand. "Awwwwww," he
murmured, and chuckled softly.
A racket arose from the corridor. The babies had begun to fuss.
They had grown quite accustomed to the ship's computer attending
their every need in that tiny drawer-world, and now they were on
their own -- and were not enjoying it one bit.
The blissed-out Donald walked out to the cruiser and set Aloura
down with the others. Almost immediately, probably due to the
Borgling collective baby intelligence, they fussed in unison. A
tentative wail in harmony; a simultaneous hiccup; tiny fists thrust
into the air all at once.
Webby stared at them, concern growing into anger. She frowned.
"We can't have them making any noise," she said, and pointed the
phaser at the group of babies.
Donald, shocked, lunged forward. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Too late. Webby activated the trigger.
The next few nanoseconds moved in Slow Motion for Donald. The look
on Webby's face, the phaser firing, the bright flash of light
visiting each Borgling in turn. He tried to move, tried to get the
phaser from the obviously insane Webbigail, but his feet were glued
solidly to the floor. He felt like he was breathing Jell-O.
"Aaaaaaaaaaallllllllooooooooouuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaa," he
called, hearing his voice go past his own ears at super-slow speed,
like an old record played at 16 rpm.
"Wwwhhhhhaaaaaaattt'ssss tthhhhheeee mmaatteerr wwith you Unca
Donald," Webby whispered, her voice coming up to proper speed as
she dragged him back into reality.
Donald flinched, not really wanting to look into the cruiser at the
horrific sight he knew was there. He forced himself to peer over
the edge, and almost exploded with joy. Each baby was safe and
sound...and each one sported a brand new pacifier. Webby had set
the phaser to "binky".
But it wasn't over yet. The Ducks wheeled around at the sound of
clanking footsteps.
"Is everything all right in here?" The voice was soft, motherly,
almost June- Cleaverish ... but except for the green striped
socks, the female was 100% Borg.
By instinct, Webby and the Boys answered, "Yes Nanny."
280 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"That's good. Now, go wash your hands and prepare to be
assimilated, irrelevant ducks," the Nannyborg said sweetly.
"Get in the cruiser!" Webby shouted (though Launchpad and Scrooge
had already dived in headfirst). She aimed the phaser at the
Nannyborg.
"Now give me that, insignificant dear, before you get hurt." As
she spoke, the Nannyborg began putting up small shields over her
more vulnerable areas. She saw Webby aim the phaser and fire ...
... but had not prepared for the plumber's helper that hit her
square in theface.
Webby leapt over the cruiser's door and the vehicle took off at a
gallop.
* * * * *
Seeing that Rudy/Nomad was about to blow his top, or tops, Daffy's
mind began to whirl.
"Now's my chance," he said sotto voce. "The ship's about to go
sky-high, or is that galaxy high, HooHoo! Can't let all that
lovely treasure get blasted into space dust now, can we?"
Slowly, he stepped back, back again ... again ... and again ...
until he had enough distance between himself and the others to make
a run for it.
The little black duck had wings on his feet as he zipped through
the corrodors He could almost smell the treasure. One last door,
and then -- there it was.
Daffy's pupils turned to dollar signs as he surveyed the scene. In
and out he went, from pile to pile, taking only the biggest
baubles. As he was admiring himself in a solid gold mirror, he
heard a voice ...
"Targ! You have again violated the sacred halls of treasure! Hassan
neutralize
... this time for good!"
After quickly buckling his swash, Hassan swung his plasma scimitar
and aimed straight for Daffy's head. Somehow, Daffy had the
presence of mind to dodge the beam and put the mirror in front of
it.
The beam neatly ricocheted off the glass and hit Hassan full force
.. .but it also reflected off the scimitar and flashed back to hit
Daffy with equal strength. As the beam took effect on them both,
Daffy uttered one last word:
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Mother!"
* * * * *
"Are you shooor that this is the place where you left the
shuttlecraft, Donald?"
Donald, sweat coming profusely off his brow, nodded. "I'm sure of
it, Uncle Scrooge! Honest! I remember getting out and leaving it
here. It couldn't have
"Oh yes it could've, Donald, " answered Webby. "Most likely the
Borg could have taken the shuttle away someplace to study it and
learn more about how the Enterprise functions."
Donald began to turn red, steam rising from behind his collar.
"Those JERKS!" he yelled. "THOSE STUPID MECHANIZED JERKS! WE
WENT THROUGH ALL THIS TO SAVE THE BABIES - AND NOW WE CAN'T GET OFF
THIS STINKING SHIP AND BACK TO THE ENTERPRISE!
YADASKIBBLEWARRRGHJOPUYUYGHGFERDSERTGHHI!", he yelled louder,
hopping up and down, going higher with each hop.
"UNCA DONALD! DON'T!" yelled Huey.
"YEAH, UNCA DONALD -- YOU'LL ATTRACT ATTENTION!" answered Dewey.
"I'm afraid that he's a little too far gone in his anger this time,
boys", explained Uncle Scrooge. "When he starts to using words
from "Finnegan's Wake" in a rant ..."
Suddenly Webby held up her hand. "SHHHHHH!", she whispered. "I
HEAR someone coming, and they're coming fast! Prepare to defend
yourselves!"
Quickly the crew each picked up a weapon:- Webby her phaser, the
others various tools, debris, even a few left-over Borg parts.
"Now, when I give the signal", said Webby, "Be ready to attack !"
The sounds that Webby heard were now more audible -- and becoming
more so as two shadows began to make their appearance from around
the corner.
"Okay," said Webby. "One - two - thr ..."
"DON'T SHOOT!" yelled the two toons who came into sight.
"BUGS!", yelled Donald in recognition. "What are you doing aboard
the ship -- and who's you're badly animated friend?"
Quickly Bugs explained what he and Kirk were doing aboard the ship.
282 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"And the important thing is, we'd better get off the ship soon --
Rudy shot up the control panel that handles all the functions on
the ship -- and without dat, who knows what'll happen when dose
functions get critical?"
As he spoke, as if to emphasize the point, a rumble that shook the
entire Borg craft made an appearance.
"See what I mean?" said Bugs. "Now, let me call up Picard and see
if we can blow dis popsicle stand before it blows us ta bits!"
He flicked on the communicator pin. "Bugs ta Enterprise -- Bugs ta
Enterprise -- do ya read?"
"We read you, Bugs", said Picard. "Are you all right?"
"Yeah, Doc, but we're in real danger here : da Borg ship could
blow up at any moment. Request dat we beam back at once!"
"I'm afraid we can't, Bugs", answered Picard -- and then informed
him of the fact that, due to the dip covering the shields, that the
shields couldn't be brought down long enough to work the
transporters.
"Just great", muttered Bugs. "Caught between a rock an a hard
place. Well, do yer best, Picard. We'll try to hang on as long as
we can, if we can."
He turned to the other toons. "Well, I guess we'll have ta hang
tight. Might as well go back inta da cruiser", he stated, pointing
at the craft that now held the sleeping Borg babies. "Now, what'll
we do nex ..."
He stopped.
"Wait a minnut," he exclaimed. "Where's Daffy ?"
* * * * *
"We ... can't wait. We must ... leave now."
"I hear ya, Koik, this cube's gonna blow any second now."
"Gentlemen," Webby began, "we are on the horns of one big dilemma.
Comment is invited."
As she watched and waited for them (one or all, she really didn't
care) to speak, Webby fingered the phaser. There was room for only
one more setting. If they didn't have a way off the ship, and she
couldn't think of anything lethal enough to defend them ... she
shook her head, trying not to think about it.
The others were pretending to be engrossed in the ceiling tiles.
Webby sighed. No help. It was up to her.
Chapter 13 283
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
She plopped down on her little duck tail and thought.
Clocks with wildly spinning hands began to float by her. Then,
pages from a calendar. After that, autumn leaves, and then
snowflakes. Soon, she was little more than a snow-covered mound.
She ran to the shuttle bay door and stared across at the
Enterprise. Just as she'd hoped, all the toons were at various
windows staring back at the cube.
Quickly, Webby scribbled something on the phaser, and ran to the
door. Pointing the phaser out at a 45-degree angle, she fired into
the atmosphere.
On the Enterprise, the toons watched as letters formed in the
darkness of space.
Babs read as they appeared. "H - E - P - L, Hepl? What's Hepl?"
On the cube, Webby stomped her tiny foot and muttered a horrible
curse. "Oh foo!" She erased the phaser setting and tried again.
Buster took over the reading duties. "H - E - L - P - C - E - C - I
- L - H - E - L - P - exclamation point."
"Help, Cecil, Help!" Babs repeated, laughing maniacally. "Of
course! It's so crazy it just might work. Come on everybody!"
All over the ship, toons began to chant. Even the human (and
non-human) crew members took up the phrase.
"Help, Cecil, Help! Help, Cecil, Help! Help, Cecil, Help!"
Webby tapped Bugs' communicator pin. "Captain Picard, if Cecil can
help us, we'll need a distraction!"
"And you shall have it. Good luck!"
"Webby out!" The petite duckling ran back to the shuttle bay door,
watched, and prayed.
Suddenly, the air shook with music! "Thus Spake Zarathustra", to
be exact. A shuttle bay door on the Enterprise opened slowly and
dramatically to reveal a friendly green face.
"I'm comin', Webby Girl! I'm cominnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'!"
Then, like a shot, Cecil hurled himself between the Enterprise and
the Borg ship. As he took off, Picard ordered a massive display of
short-range phaser blasts and photon torpedoes for a distraction;
they looked like fireworks, and enhanced the Sea Serpent's heroics.
284 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Of course, no one really knows just how long Cecil is ... but he
managed to stretch himself from the door on the Enterprise to the
door on the Cube. Sweating, he clamped his mouth around the lower
doorjamb.
"Everybody in the cruiser!" Webby's heart was beating like a
little jungle drum. When they had all piled inside, she pushed
Launchpad out of the driver's seat and activated the cruiser's
legs.
It took only a few seconds for the giant red sneakers to find their
way along Cecil's spine and back into the Enterprise. Once they
were safely inside, the plucky serpent wound himself back in as
well.
A cheer went up all over the ship. Cecil slurped a sloppy kiss on
Webby's cheek. Picard's voice rang out over the comm board.
"We'll beam the babies directly into Sickbay. Is anyone else
hurt?"
"Eh, no, Doc, but Daffy's still over there." Bugs' heart sank as
he gave the Captain the grim news.
* * * * *
"Wait a second!"
Everyone on the bridge turned around to face Elmer, who had spoken
the epiphet.
"I'm sowwy, but I don't understand how that wast stunt was puwwed
off! The Enterpwise's shields were up -- and couldn't come down
because of the super- dip!"
"Garsh, Elmer", answered Cecil, "I don't know how it happened! All
I know was that when I responded to the 'Help Cecil Help' distress
call, that I felt a movement around me -- as if the shields
themselves were moving and stretching! And then when I did get to
the opening of the Borg ship, the shield parted!"
"But that's impossible", chimed in Geordie. "The shields are
designed only to conform to the size and contour of the ship, and
can't be changed unless subjected to either reprogramming of its
parameters or by being exposed to some freak form of phenomenon --
and the latter is very highly unlikely!"
"Unlikely or not, the events of the last twelve hours has shown
that nothing can be considered out of the ordinary anymore," said
Picard. "Perhaps it is one of the afteraffects of having the toon
universe crossing over into our own."
"Weww, I don't cawe how it happened, " Elmer piped up again, "but
it would be to my own satisfaction if somebody could give me an
Chapter 13 285
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
answer!"
"Now, let's not get nosey, bub!"
Once again everybody in the room turned, to find that the latest
statement came from a new presence in the room. A presence who was
very obvious by his appearance:- short black hair, wearing a
burglar's mask and a green body-hugging costume covered with at
least a hundred question marks of various sizes. Not to mention
the fact that he was hovering over their heads in a lotus position,
upside down.
"Howwy pwot compwications!" shouted Elmer, pointing to the being.
"THE WIDDWER! What's he dowing here!"
"No, not the Riddler, Elmer", answered Picard. "But I know who it
is".
Picard focused his attention on the being. "Alright, Q, you can
remove that ridiculous costume -- and then kindly explain what you
are doing here on my ship!"
"Very well, Jean-Luc -- my, have you no sense of humour!" answered
Q. A click of his fingers, and he was now in front of the crew in
his usual attire, right side up.
"Better?"
"Yes, Q -- much better. Now, explain what you're doing here -- we
are in a very dangerous situation, and we have no time for your
pranks!"
"Pranks!" said Q, a pained expression on his face. "What makes
you think that I came here to pull pranks! I am fully aware of
your situation, Jean- Luc, that's why I changed the molecular
structure of the shield to become slightly more malleable and allow
it to stretch in the direction your fishy friend had to go to save
his ink and paint cohorts from the Borg. And is this the thanks I
get?"
"Well", said Picard, somewhat surprised at this. "I'm sorry, and I
thank you. Now if you will kindly ..."
"Captain," said Data, "I do not mean to interrupt, sir, but I am
picking up a signal from within the Borg ship -- it seems to be
some sort of distress call."
"Amplify it".
Within seconds the call that Data had found was broadcast over the
speakers.
286 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"ATTENTION ALL PERSONNEL ABOARD THIS SHIP", said the voice of Rudy
Doody./Nomad.
"SINCE IT HAS BEEN DETERMINED THAT THE ENTIRE REASON THAT THE BORG
EXISTS WAS ITSELF FOUNDED ON ERROR, THE DIRECTIVE GIVEN ME BY THE
KIRK MUST BE EXECUTED FULLY AND TO THE LETTER ON THE ENTIRE SHIP
AND ALL PERSONNEL ABOARD IT. AUTO- DESTRUCT MECHANISMS HAVE BEEN
ACTIVATED AND ARE SET TO GO OFF IN APPROXIMATELY 10 MINUTES. DEATH
IS IRRELEVANT. HAVE A NICE DAY."
"GOOD GRAVY!" yelled Bugs. "That piece of slag is gonna go up in
smoke - with Daffy still aboard!"
"And not only that, but if we don't leave the area as soon as
possible, we'll be destroyed as well", Picard added.
He stopped for a moment, frowning -- and then, he turned to Q.
"Q", he said, "you are our only hope. There is still one toon
aboard the Borg ship that has yet to be be brought back here, due
to the problem regarding that damn dip and the shields. We need
you to bring him back and then get this ship out of this sector
before the Borg ship explodes!"
"I don't know about that, Jean-Luc", said Q. "My nose is still
somewhat out of joint reagrding that vile accusation you made of me
a few moments ago -- and besides, you don't really need that duck
back here aboard this ship -- why he represents everything that's
wrong with your barbaric culture : greed, avarice, revenge,
ingratitude, treason ..."
"Warts or not, Q, he's still an intelligent lifeform!" shot back
Picard. "He has every right to exist and to be saved. And not
just him, Q, but the other toons and the entire crew of this ship!
Don't toy with us now, Q, we are in danger! You must get Daffy
back aboard and get us out of here".
Q backed off a bit from Picard. He frowned a bit, and then a smile
broke on his lips, one that made Picard uneasy.
"What's the magic word, Picard?" Q whispered ...
Before Picard could answer, the sound of chimes came from the other
side of the room. Closer and closer the chimes came, and louder,
and more frenetic.
A tiny ball of white light zipped across the room and stopped right
at Q's nose. Q drew back; his eyes crossed. The ball of light
shimmered and re-formed into a female figure. Q gasped.
"No! Not you!"
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
The chimes started up again, ebbing and flowing in pitch and speed.
Bit by bit, Q's bravado faded. He slouched, looking away, and
muttered words of apology.
There's nothing worse to an omnipotent entity than being told off
by Tinkerbelle.
* * * * *
"HELP! (HEE-HAW) HEELLLLLLLLPPPPPP!"
Daffy was running -- faster than he ever had -- clutching what of
the treasure that he had been able to scoop up from the floor of
the room while Hassan was unconscious from the effects of the
scimitar-bolt.
Of course, one of the reasons why he was running faster -- other
than fear -- was the fact that his legs had grown quite longer and
more muscular when the bolt had struck him -- the only disadvantage
was that the clopping sounds of the hoofs were starting to give him
a headache. And it didn't help that his ears had become more
prodigous and therefore more sensitive.
"BUGTH!" shouted Daffy. "KIRK! WHERE ARE YOU!"
Suddenly he stopped. There, in front of him, was a split in the
corridor that branched off in three directions.
"Great!" muttered Daffy. "Bad enough that the thcriptwriter has
conthpired to make an ath of me, Now I have to make a decithision
on which way I go! What to do, what to ... AH!"
He covered his eyes with a hairy leg -- and began to point at the
various exits. "My - mother - told -me -to -go - THITH - way!"
Now he uncovered his eyes -- and nearly went fuscia with fear.
There, approaching him from the corridor he chose, was a Borg
bearing down on him!
"Let me have another go at it, shall I?" said Daffy. He covered
his eyes again -- and repeated the procedure with the two remaining
escape routes.
He looked down the second choice -- there was another Borg coming
towards him!
"And if ya think I'm gonna do it with that THIRD ethcape route, I
already know what'th comin', couthin!" spat out Daffy. "Three
Borg bearing down on me! Oh well, at leatht I can double-ba ..."
He was interrupted by another voice -- somewhat changed, but
recognizable enough to send a yellow stripe down Daffy's back.
288 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"TARG! (RIBBET!) NO ONE ESCAPE THE WRATH OF HASSAN! (RIBBET!)
HASSAN NEUTRALIZE! (RIBBET - ORRRRRRRP!)"
Daffy began to babble, biting his nails (er, sorry, his hoofs) down
to stumps. "Yankees to the left of me - doodles to the right! I'm
surrounded! Either to be annihilated by those ambulatory
cuisanartth, or to be turned into fly-meal by Kermit'th couthin!
WHAT ELTH COULD GO WRONG!"
"SELF-DESTRUCT MECHANISM NOW INTO RED TIME AND COUNTING -- FIVE
MINUTES BEFORE EXECUTION", said the loudspaeker right over Daffy.
"Who asked you?" yelled daffy. "Hey, thcriptwriter! Get a Deus
Ex Machina here right away -- or ol' j.l. will have your
hide!"
Suddenly, a brightly coloured light began to beam down directly
over Daffy's head. Startled, he looked up to see where it was
coming from - and while he was unable to identify its source, he
recognized a small being -- a being that was coming closer to him,
walking down towards him in a spiral -- or should we say HOPPING to
the off beats of the strains of "Fingal's Cave".
"Clop, clop, CLOP - clop, CLOP, clop CLOP".......
"THE MYNAH BIRD!" shrieked Daffy with joy. "As one little black
bird to another, GET ME OUTTA HERE!"
The Mynah said nothing, but smiled a knowing smile and winked a
knowing wink.
Immediately a whirlpool appeared under Daffy's feet, pulling him
straight down and out of harm's way.
Now Daffy's tormentors, enraged by the fact that he had once more
escaped their grasp, turned their rage on the mynah bird, jumping
and piling on him. For the next few moments, curses were hurled,
fur and metal flew, and the battle echoed throughout the halls of
the Borg ship.
And when it was over ...
For a few seconds, no movement -- and then, from around the corner,
came the shadow of a figure ...
"Clop clop CLOP -- clop, CLOP, clop , CLOP ..."
The mynah bird walked into a retaining wall - and disappeared.
And at the scene of the battle -- there now stood a hideous looking
being, arms pointed in all directions, four heads looking at each
other, glazed expressions on each others' faces.
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"Which way did he go, George, which way did he go?" said Hassan
and what remained of the three Borg...
* * * * *
In the whirling, weird void, floated Daffy ... and a comic book.
Since Daffy didn't know how long he'd be here, he picked up the
book and opened it up, and was suprised to have a human teenager
Toon stomp all over him as he ran! The kid yelled, "Quick, Daffy,
Close The Cover!"
Daffy did so -- it was a natural reaction, anyhow, after being
stomped all over by a fleeing teenager -- and he looked up at this
other person. "Thay," he muttered, "you look almothst like that
Archie Andrewth character, except..."
"Tell me about it," the carrot-topped teen with the crosshatch on
the side of his head muttered. He looked down at the outfit he
wore -- combining parts of a tutu, black tap shoes, a girl's tube
top, a leather strap, and a handcuff hanging from one wrist.
Daffy's eyes narrowed. "I take it from your dithtinctive attire,"
he said with the smirk of a knowing adult duck, "that you've been
the guetht thtar in one of Cherry Poptart'th adventureth. Thinth I
never go into black-and-white comicth, perhapth you can tell me
..."
"NO!" said Archie, nervously. "Never! And don't you tell Betty
or Veronica, either -- I don't want them getting ideas! And for
that matter, I'm gonna steer a wide berth around Jughead, too!"
* * * * *
Back on board the Enterprise, Q was calmly exerting his cosmic
influence. "Pay attention and learn, Toons," he addressed them.
"There are some powers in the universe so far beyond you, you can
do nothing but bow and grovel in respect."
Captain Picard looked as irritated and nauseated as if the food
slot had served him up a cup of juice, swamp bug, hot. "Q," he
muttered, "must you play such games with Toons as well as us?"
"You're hardly any fun, Jean-Luc. Besides, they may appreciate my
enhancing of their paltry lives more than you ..."
"'Scuse me, Mister," said Gogo Dodo, who was standing at Q's feet,
"but who did you say you were?"
"Q."
"That's funny, so is he!" Gogo pointed to a large letter Q, with
eyes and ears, leaning against a wall.
Q looked at the "Q" and his eyes narrowed. "You are?"
290 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
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Two other animated letters, "U" and "R", came up behind him.
"Yes?"
Q looked around, his eyes opened in suprise -- and then he smiled,
in appreciation of the clever Toons. He muttered, "Gee..."
"Right here!" said a letter "G". "Are you okay?"
An "O" and a "K" came up to settle with the "R" and "U", and Q --
the one without the tail -- knew it would be a long night ...
* * * * *
Rudy/Nomad staggered down the hallways of the great (soon to be
space dust) Borg cube. Jolt after jolt of energy passed between
his ears, switching him from Despot to Satellite and back again.
Somehow, he made his way to the shuttle bay and across to one of
the craft. Another jolt; he fell and literally crawled to the
vehicle's opening. It took every last bit of strength to program
the shuttle to get him as far from the cube as possible, PDQ.
As the craft's door closed, and Rudy/Nomad felt the vehicle surge
toward the bay opening, he leaned back and closed his eyes. This
wouldn't be the first time he'd find himself adrift in space, but
this time he would not fail.
He watched as the Cube and the Enterprise fell away on the
viewscreen. At last, with nothing around but deep space, he tried
to sleep.
A voice from the shuttle's speakers roused him.
"Greetings, Grand High Borg. Or may I call you Rudy?"
Rudy/Nomad looked around, frantic. Had another Borg, or worse,
another one of those accursed Toons, managed to stow away on this
shuttle?
"Who's speaking? Show yourself!"
"If you insist," the throat-ripping voice replied. And with that,
the shuttle began to twist. Soon, it became an exact replica of a
20th Century Earth jet aircraft.
"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Starscream. And I have
plans for you," the evil Transformer said with an hysterical laugh.
And the vehicle carried Rudy/Nomad deeper and deeper into space ...
* * * * *
"It's been at least five minutes since the order had been given by
the Borg to destroy the craft, Q -- and yet you've done nothing!".
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Q let down the sun-reflector that covered his face and looked up at
the angry, yet worried, face of Picard from the deck chair he had
summoned up in the middle of the bridge. "Honestly, Jean-Luc --
you are so impatient! But, if you insist -- first, to bring that
duck back aboard, even if it is against my better judgement ..."
With that, he snapped his fingers -- and Daffy appeared before
them, still in his donkey guise, clutching what of the Borg hoard
he had managed to retrieve from his free fall.
"Wow, Daffy!", said Huey. "Didja decide to take a shortcut at
Pleasure Island or what?"
"Veeeeerrrry funny", said Daffy. "Now, would thomebody mind making
me back in my own image!"
"Later", Picard shot in. "Now, Q -- get us out of here!"
"All right". Q snapped his fingers again -- and the Enterprise
shot forward -- toward the Borg ship!
"Q! Quit the horseplay and get us out of here!"
"Oh, dear -- I seemed to have snapped my fingers the wrong way",
said Q. "Let me try again ..."
He snapped his fingers again -- now the Enterprise was going away
from the Borg ship -- straight down!
"Q! We need to get as far away as possible -- if that ship
explodes in the next minute ..."
"Just a minute!" yelled Bugs. "Allow me!"
Now Bugs snapped his fingers -- and the Enterprise disappeared.
Thirty seconds later, there was an explosion -- and the Borg ship
was no more, rendered into 17,670,002 micro-cells -- plus the odd
kitchen sink or three.
* * * * *
"That was too close", said Picard, as he slumped in his chair on
the bridge. But all eyes now were on Q and Bugs, who were facing
each other.
"You - you - you fur-bearing freak!" muttered Q. "That wasn't in
the script!"
"Script, schmipt!" retorted Bugs. "We hadda get outta dere, and
if it weren't for yer delayin' tactics, we'd all been candidates
for da big coicular file in the sky!"
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Really, Bugs ...", shot back Q haughtily. "Well, I never ..."
"And ya'll never will, Doc -- now c'mon get outta here, agitate the
gravel, strike the pavement -- in short," he leaned over and yelled
in Q's ear, "SCRAM!"
Q knocked his eardrum back into place, then stared at Bugs. Then
he began to laugh.
"I must say, Mr. Bunny, you seem to be unclear upon the concept
here. I am a member of the Q Continuum, an immortal, with powers
that you do not seem to comprehend! How do you intend to
make me leave?"
"Wit dis!" Bugs pulled out a large mallet and struck Q over the
head with it . Naturally, it bounced off.
"Ha!" sniggered Q. "Did you really expect to harm me with that
relic of barbarism you were so wont to use in your exploits?"
Bugs looked down, embarrassed. "Ya, yer right Doc -- I made a fool
outta myself dat time -- I meant ta use DIS!"
With that, he produced another mallet, identical to the last --
save for thelettering that read:
>>>>>>>ACME TOON MALLET - 100% IMMORTAL PROOF<<<<<<<<
And this time, Q crumpled upon impact. He looked up, and into
Bugs' smug visage, which for a second took on a fiendish bent.
"And now, for my next trick, I'll have Shoiley the Loon and Troi do
dere mind-act togedder and toin Guinan here inta a toon, and den
..."
"Hey, I like that idea!", said Guinan, beaming at the thought of
what she could do to Q in her altered state. "I've been waiting a
LLLLLOOOONNNGGG time for this ..."
"No, No!" yelled Q, his eyes widening in terror. "She's dangerous
enough as it is! I give! I'll go! I'll do whatever you want!"
"All we want you to do," said Picard, amused by Bugs' handling of
the situation, but realizing that it had to come to an end, "is go,
Q. NOW!"
"Very well, Jean Luc!" said Q. "I go -- but before I do", he
turned and looked at Bugs, "you may have had the upper hand THIS
time , rabbit -- but you haven't heard the last of me -- one day,
when you don't know it, I'll be back with a house-warming gift for
you -- and I hope you enjoy it!"
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"Oh, a present -- for ME?" said Bugs coyly. "Den I'd better
reciprocate".
He pulled out a creme pie (Key Lime, at that!) and let Q have it.
Sputtering in an unQ-like matter, Q snapped his fingers -- and was
gone.
* * * * *
Lieutenant Sandy Blondell paced nervously around her quarters,
keeping busy with small things like rearranging knick-knacks and
fluffing pillows. Her civilian husband, Mike, came up from behind
and wrapped his arms around her.
"Calm down," he whispered. "WeUre not having the queen of the
universe to dinner."
"Oh, yes we are," Sandy replied. "The absolute queen."
Mike felt her give a startled jump as the doorchime sounded. They
walked to the entryway hand-in-hand. Sandy took a deep breath and
straightened her uniform. "Come in, please."
The doors parted to reveal Beverly Crusher and a white duck in a
sailor suit, holding a small pink package.
"Oh my," Sandy breathed.
"Hello Mike, Sandy," Beverly said warmly. "This is Donald Duck.
And this..." Beverly opened the pink blanket. "Well, I think you
already know this little person."
"Yes," Mike grinned. "We sure do. Please come in."
Donald carefully walked across the room to the sofa, and gingerly
sat down. As he peered into the blanket, a tiny hand emerged and
grabbed his beak.
"Awwwwww," he chuckled. The Blondells joined him on the sofa and
admired their newly adopted daughter. With the cybernetic implants
removed, she was a radiant child, but Donald had loved her even as
a Borgling. It would be difficult to let her go.
He cuddled her, making soft quacking noises. She smiled and
gurgled in reply.
Sandy placed a hand on his shoulder. "Donald, we've decided to
have an old-fashioned christening ceremony tomorrow in 10-Forward.
Since you brought Aloura to us, we'd love to have you stand as her
Godfather."
"Then she'll always be part of both our families," Mike added.
294 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
A huge toon tear rolled down the duck's cheek. "I'd be proud to,"
he squawked, and placed the baby in Sandy's arms.
* * * * *
Meanwhile, on another part of the ship ...
... the Theatre, to be exact, a group of the Enterprise children
and theirfamilies were laughing uproariously.
"Hey, let's get one of our good friends up here to help out. How
about it, Commander Data?" Soupy Sales implored. "Let's give the
Commander a big hand!"
Looking somewhat bemused, but always willing to be of assistance,
Data walked up onto the stage and made a tentative bow. Soupy took
his hand and shook it vigorously.
"Now, Commander, being an android, I'll bet you're good at
spelling."
"Indeed, Sir. My dictionary programming includes the entire
vocabularies ofover 160 languages, including all Terran languages
and dialects, and --"
"Fabulous, just fabulous. Could you, for instance, spell 'cat'?"
"C-a-t," Data said dutifully.
"Ah. And could you spell 'bat'?"
"B-a-t."
"Terriffic, terriffic. Now, Mr. Data, could you tell me what word
is spelled 's-p-l-a-t'?"
"Of course, Sir. That word is 'splat'."
And with that, Soupy produced a cream pie from behind his back and
mushed it into the android's face. The crowd went wild.
Data, wiping the goo from his eyes, took note of this and turned to
Soupy. "Sir," he said sotto voce, "I am not sure that hitting a
senior officer with a pie is a very good idea."
"No, no, Data, it's perfect. These kids are telling jokes about
quantum physics. It's about time they saw some slapstick. And I
couldn't pie the Captain."
Data mulled over his words. "Ah, I see. It is an opportunity to
bring an authority figure to a different level, making that person
more approachable. Yes! It is good for morale."
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"Better than that, it's funny! Look at those faces, Data, they're
crazy about you! And all you had to do was say one little word."
Soupy turned to the audience. "Isn't he great, folks?"
As the familes continued to laugh and applaud, Data scanned their
faces. It all came clear to him then, in a heuristic sense.
"Splat," he said once more. And another pie whistled through the
air...
* * * * *
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CHAPTER 14
"Is Daffy in good enough shape to let us see him, Bones?" asked
Picard to the toon version of Doctor McCoy.
"Well, Jim, er Jean-Luc -- hey, I think I'm beginning to get the
hang of it now! Daffy is still being worked on by a couple of the
animators ..."
"Ah, c'mon, let 'em in, McCoy -- it'll be a pleathure thpeaking to
the captain", said the duck from behind the curtain.
With that invitation, Picard and Bugs entered the small area
dedicated for the examination and repair of any toons hurt in the
battle with the Borg. Before them, reclining on an operating
table, was Daffy. At his sides, Tex and Friz were working on his
body, Tex removing every vestige of the donkey body, while Friz
replaced the spaces with the proper lines and brush-strokes that
would return him to his proper duck form.
"Well, and what ith the pleasure of thith vithit, my good people?",
asked Daffy to the two newcomers.
"Well, Daffy, it has to do with the treasure that you brought off
the Borg ship with you when Q transported you back.", said Picard.
"Ah, that!" said Daffy. "Are you afraid I'm gonna thpend it in
all one plathe? Don't worry about that, Pic-O, when I get off
thith operating table I'm going to make a few calls and make thome
investmenth -- they say there's thome fine real estate out on
Ganymede -- and then I'm going to look into getting some shares in
that new warp-drive plant opening in Cygnus ..."
"Ah, Daffy", interrupted Bugs, "we hates ta tell ya dis, but dat
treasure ain't yours ta keep."
For a moment Daffy stood absolutely motionless, and then he began
to grimace, his eyes bulging, his limbs moving to and fro.
"WHAT!" he screamed. "You can't take MY treasure away from ME! I
pilfered it -- FAIR and SQUARE!"
"I'm afraid that the treasure isn't yours, Daffy", said Picard.
"That treasure was looted and stolen by the Borg from the many
civilizations that they ransacked and destroyed over the eons, and
it is only right that it be returned to its proper owners."
"What proper owners?" sneered Daffy. "You yourself thaid those
civilizations were destroyed by the Borg!"
"Yes, but there were descendants, Daffy. Namely, those members of
the civilizations which the Borg assimilated -- the ones living
being the babies that were rescued off the Borg ship and w ho have
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now been returned to what will be, hopefully, a normal way of life
for them".
"Yeah, Daffy", said Bugs. "Picard and I talked it over over cups
of Earl Grey Hot and Carrot Juice in his Ready Room and detoimined
dat da fair way was ta take da swag as use it ta set it up as a
trust fund fer da little tykes so dat dey won't be at a
disadvantage when dey grows up. Help wit dere medical, dere
dental, not ta mention pay fer dere tuition at Starfleet Academy."
"Well, forget it!" said Daffy. "It'th mine, understand it, mine!
And there'th nothin' you can thay or do to change my attitude!"
"Oh den, well in dat case, I guess den Picard will have ta arrest
yas den."
"For what?" screeched Daffy.
"Read him the charges, Bugs", said Picard.
Bugs pulled out the parchment he had under his arm and unrolled it.
The paper hit the floor and unrolled halfway down the corridor.
"Among da charges : mutiny, treason, aiding an' abbettin' an
escape, interfering with senior Starfleet poisonnel, derelection of
duty, ignorin' the captain's orders, unauthorized use of a
transporter, desoition, drunk 'n disorderly, shameless overactin'
--- let's face it Daffy, if Picard lays those charges and yer found
guilty, you're gonna grow old in the pokey. Not ta mention havin'
ta bust a lot a asteroids ta bits ..."
Daffy began to shake. He opened his mouth to scream, but various
sirens and jungle sound effects came out instead. Quickly he
clasped his hands over his bill in embarassment.
"Well, Daffy?" inquired Picard. "What will it be?"
Daffy was silent -- then he spoke.
"I getth yer drift, Picard", he muttered. "You thcratch my back,
I'll thcratch mine ; live and let live ; honethty ith the best
polithy, when all else fails. All right," he ended, sighing.
"It's a deal".
He laid down again on the table -- and then shot back up.
"BUT IT DOETHN'T MEAN I HAVE TO LIKE IT!" he screamed. "AND I'VE
NEVER BEEN THO HUMILIATED IN ALL MY LIFE!"
* * * * *
"I really hated to do that, Bugs", said Picard as they left Sick
Bay after their confrontation with Daffy.
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Hey, I knows that, Cap'n", replied Bugs. "Must be pretty hard
makin' all those tough decisions and havin' to live by them all the
time. But don't worry about Daffy there -- he may seem flappable
at times, but he always rebounds from his disappointments -- sooner
or later he'll find somethin' else ta try an' take advantage of."
Picard smiled a bit. "It's not very often that one runs into
another lifeform that ..."
"Is so understandin' rather than vaporizin' first an' not askin'
questions later?" finished Bugs. "That's not very unusual fer me
-- we seem ta have a lot in common. Why, when I'm at home away
from the cameras and from the hunters and other villains, there's
nothing I like better than to sit in an easy chair an' read about
da history of carrots".
"I tend to do the same thing, except I usually substitute the
complete works of Shakespeare".
Both looked at each other -- and then began to laugh.
"Anyways, to get onta more serious matters -- what da ya have
planned fer us? After all, ya can't just send us back inta da
bit-bucket -- and I know dat under da rules of da Prime Directive
ya can't put us on a planet wit an existing lifeform".
Picard nervously cleared his throat. "As a matter of fact, Bugs,
we do have a surprise for you and the other toons - we are ..."
He was suddenly interrupted by the sound of sobbing. Both turned
around, to face a crestfallen Fifi la Fume.
"Eet ees true!" she sobbed. "My true one, my lovely one, ees once
agane humane! Oh eet ees totally unfair -- I find my meaning, only
to find zey have rewritten ze dictionary of life!" She burst into
tears again.
Picard faced the lovelorn skunk. "Fifi, I -- I don't know what to
really say. I do appreciate you for what you did to save me from
remaining a Borg forever, that much I will be forever in your debt.
But as far as being a toon forever, that was not possible. My
purpose is to be a part of my universe, to help my people -- and it
would have been totally unfair to you if I remained in a state that
I was uncomfortable with. I hope you understand."
Fifi smiled from beneath her tears. "Ah, toujours beaucoups, mine
capitan - I understand. At least you explains yourself to me --
unlike zee othairs, who just run away without zee simple
explanation. Zees at least gives me hope zat zair may be anothair
out zere -- zomeone just like you. Au revoir, my Jean-Luc!"
The little lavender skunk gave Picards' leg a hug, then released
her grip and, sighing, made her way back down the corridor, with a
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bit of the spring back in her step.
"Now that was really hard", said Picard. "But at least she was
very understanding about the situation."
"And a very good thing you did, Jean-Luc", said another voice from
behind him that was all too familiar.
Picard sighed. "Oh no".
"Oh yes", continued Lwuxana Troi. "But of course I know the real
reson you sent her away -- like I've always known how you've felt
about me, Captain -- and it's about time that I let my true
feelings be known, too!"
Picard looked at possible routes of escape -- there were none. He
looked at Bugs.
"I don't know how to shake her off either, Doc", he whispered.
"But enough of this idle banter, Jean-Luc", continued Lwuxana.
"What I am trying to say is ..."
But before she could, she was suddenly grabbed from behind by a
huge, hairy, animated paw -- and lifted high into the air.
"Oh goody goody", said Hugo as he examined his prize. "My own cute
cuddly little Betazed! I will cherish her, and love her, and feed
her, and hug her, and call her George!"
"My dear animated -- er, whatever you are," stated Lwuxana. "I am
afraid you are quite mistaken -- I am a Betazoid, not a Betazed!
Now if you will kindly
..."
"What, not a Betazed, George?" asked Hugo pointedly. "Oh dear, I
am afraid that Hugo is going to have to punish you."
As Hugo carried off Lwuxana, she attempted to read his mind -- and
found that, to her horror, he had no mind to read.
"Somebody - do something!" she shrieked.
"Don't worry", said Picard. "We'll just get Mr. Jones to explain
to Hugo that we can have you sent somewhere so that you can be
"fixed" -- and then later explain that you were "lost in transit".
Don't worry, he's so preoccupied with you that he can't hear a word
I say. In the meantime, I'll get Mr. Hom to pack your bags and
meet you over in the transporter room."
With that, Picard turned and made good his escape.
300 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Hee hee hee", said Bugs. "Looks like he loined a lot while he was
a toon.
From behind him came another sob.
Bugs turned around. "Why, what's the matter ..."
"It's terrrrrrrible, Bugs!" sniffed Roger Rabbit. "We went
through a whole story regarding funny animated characters - and
n-n-n-not one p-p-p-person p-p- p-icked up on using me as a hero!
It's not fair! Why, I'm just as brave, heroic, and valiant as any
other t-t-toon -- it even says so in my contract", he added,
unrolling the well-worn sheepskin from Maroon Studios.
"Roger, please -- don't take it poisonal", consoled Bugs. "I'm
sure dat it was some oversight by da writers of dis opus -- dey
probably didn't mean ta slight ya."
"Thanks, Bugs", said Roger, "but it's not enough! It makes me look
like I'm not loved -- or needed! I'm washed up, finished -- and to
make matters worse, I
... I ... I saw Jessica talking to Commander Riker! What's he
gg-g-g-gotthat I don't?"
"Get a grip on yourself, Roger!" snapped Bugs.
Roger tightly grabbed his sides and squeezed. "Hey, I feel better
already!"
"Good", said Bugs. "Now here's somethin' else that'll cheer yas
up". He leaned over and whispered something in Roger's ear. His
eyes lit up like a neon bulb.
"S-s-s-sequel?" he said
"Yeah, if dere's enough interest. Dat'll give ya plenty of chance
ta make yer mark."
"T-t-that's great, Bugs!" said Roger, pumping his arm.
"Oh, there you are, Roger", said a very familiar female voice from
behind them. Bugs didn't have to turn around to know who it was --
but he did anyway, coming face to face with Jessica Rabbit, as
lovely and pneumatic as ever.
"H-h-hi Jessica", said Roger. "Well, I've got great news : you
d-d-don't have to leave ..."
"Oh, I know we're not leaving yet, dear", she said, careesing
Roger's cheek lovingly. "That's why I was asking Commander Riker
what we could do for entertainment while they decide what to do
with us -- and he suggested the holodeck -- so what we'll do, after
dinner, we'll set up a program that'll give us an enviroment just
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like home -- maybe conjure up 3-D likenesses of Eddie and Doris to
come over and play bridge ..."
"I like that idea, sweetheart!" said Roger. "Come on -- I know a
great replicator on this ship that makes the best carrot cake in
the universe -- second to yours, of course!"
As they left arm in arm, Jessica turned to Bugs. "Thanks for the
pep talk -- he needed it. The poor dear always forgets everything
-- especially that I love him so much", she whispered.
Bugs turned and walked down the corridor again. "Well, all's well
dat ends well, I always sa ..." when he stopped in the middle of
the hall and faced yet another problem.
"Snap out of it, Riker!" he yelled, slapping the immobile form of
the commanding officer. "Snap out of it! She's gone now!" ...
* * * * *
Deep in the engineering bowels of the ship, Geordi La Forge said,
"Computer, give it one more lateral spin, slowly."
Obligingly, the Enterprise's Replicator Design Table gently spun
the attractive disk, while Geordi's VISOR scanned the holographic
representation for any flaws. He finally said, "Perfect. Store
under file 'LAFORGE MEDALLION 1'. Prepare to reproduce with
variations as described in database 'AWARDS 1'."
The computer responded affirmatively, and he turned towards the
door, which was bleeping. "Come in," Geordi said.
The door swung aside, and Mary Melody stepped in. "Is it finished
yet?" she said, flexing her tenny-bopper shoes on the floor.
"Is what finished?" Geordi said smoothly.
"The medals you're going to hand out to us Toons, just before we
get told we're to get our own planet."
Geordi's face fell, and he showed concern. "Mary," he said, "I
don't know what to say ... I'm sorry you found out ..."
"Hey, don't worry, Geordi." She was understanding and calm. "The
Federation is kind of worried about us. Even a calm, supposedly
normal Toon like me. And they're right. Why, at any moment, I
might do something like this--"
Geordi jumped with a start. Mary had opened her jaws with her
hands, and exposed an alligator-sized mouth full of shark teeth and
a foot-long tongue. Then, she released her jaw-grip, and her face
snapped back to normal.
302 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"So, like I was saying, I understand that the Federation wouldn't
want us running around loose, at least just now." She finished her
speech and sat with her hands folded, smiling.
"Well, yeah." Geordi caught his breath and nodded. "But still,
I'm going to miss you ..."
"Hey," she said with a mild touch of disapproval, "I may be
centuries old chronologically, but I'm a fourteen-year-old humanoid
Toon. We could be friends, but anything else ..."
"I wasn't thinking about that at all."
"Good thing, too. The few times those cross-species fertilizations
worked, the results were pretty horrible : Adolph Hitler, Li Quan,
Merv Griffin, Andrew Dice Clay, Geraldo Rivera, Sally Jessy
Raphael, Oprah, ..."
Geordi's eyebrows registered disbelief at that, popping above the
top of his VISOR. Then, he continued, "Uh, well, I really mean
it's a shame for you to be stranded there. I understand Toons will
not be allowed to leave, except under extraordinary circumstances."
"Yes, but how long will that last?" Mary shrugged. "For all
practical purposes, we Toons are immortal. And, given how
ingenious we are, we should be able to do things to change that
perception of us. If not, we can outlive the Federation. But ..."
Mary tilted her head away, and kicked her foot in a coy manner. "
... It might be a long, long time before I get another hug...from
the handsomest human in space ..."
"Aw ..." Geordi gushed, and wrapped his large flesh-and-blood arms
around Mary's petite ink-and-paint form...
* * * * *
The second-to-last group to be awarded were the Disney Ducks. They
stood, tall and proud. Well, as tall as they can stand, which
isn't very -- and they shone with pride as Picard described their
valor in rescuing the Borg babies.
While Scrooge checked the medal, and his eyes opened wide to
discover that, yes, it was genuine gold, Donald spoke for the
group. "It was our pleasure, really, to save the lives of these
innocents. We grownups might deserve whatever Fate throws at us in
this world ... but little ones deserve a fair chance."
While the Toons understood Donald, having listened to him for ages,
the crew members had trouble. He sounded like he was saying
"Quaaa-quaaa-quee squuaaag quaa quee ...", even to the Universal
Translators. So, Webby translated Donald's words, and got a pat on
the head afterwards in thanks. "Thanks, Unca Donald," she said,
"but I'd really like a new wardrobe for my Barbie dolls ..."
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Then, the room drew silent. "I believe you know this person better
than I. However, over the last few days, I have come to appreciate
his intelligence, his skill, his ingenuity, and his
finely-developed sense of humor. I am truly proud to have met him,
and to call him friend ..." Picard paused, and reflected for a
moment with a smile ... "and a fellow Toon. I give you the first
to emerge into our dimension ... Bugs Bunny!"
The room exploded in applause. Bugs visibly blushed as Picard
pinned the medal to Bugs's tuxedo.
"Gee, t'anks, Jean-Luc," Bugs muttered. "Y'know, we Toons've been
around a long time. Most 'a that time, the only people who'd admit
to likin' us were the kids. When dey got past thoiteen, though ...
bang! Dey discovered the opposite sex ... somethin' dey wouldn't
let me discover at Warner 'til the late nineteen-foities. And den
they forgot all about us.
"Oh, maybe sometimes, during da Second Woild War, dey'd put us on
da nose of a plane ... and ol' Yosemite Sam got a lotta good
buddies from dat truck mud-flap he made ..." (Sam, his hair neatly
combed, nodded modestly.) "... but, for da most part, grownups
forgot about us.
"Den, over dere ... dat little white rabbit over dere ... dis
newcomer Roger got us appreciated all over again! T'anks, pal! I
see you got a medal, too!" (In the back of the Disney Section,
Roger jumped maniacally, his wife Jessica beaming with pride.)
"You're appreciated, Roger ... you know dat in da Star Wars movie,
Chewbacca the Wookie didn't even get a medal?
"Anyway, den t'ings changed for us Toons. You humans started ta
like us again. Why, sometimes, dey even let da female Toons wear
breasts!" (Over in the Warner section, Buster and Babs exchanged
knowing looks at each other. Bugs noted this, remembered that
these two kept emphasizing they were "no relation" to each other,
and realized what that meant ... and realized that he'd have to
have a long talk with them later.)
"Anyway, much as dey like us, dey're still a little bit afraid of
us. Dey want us on a woild of our own." (The crowd was suddenly
quiet.) "Now, some 'a you might feel funny about dat. But I like
it. Most 'a our lives, much as people like us, we've been in our
own little woilds on drawin' paper. Toontown, Acme Acres, da
Toonivoise, call it what ya will, dat's been our homes. I can't
tell ya how often I had ta jump in da dry-cleanin' machine every
time some slob spilt coffee all ovah a drawin' board.
"Now, we got a chance to build a woild of our own -- all of us --
Warner, Disney, Terrytoon, Hanna-Barbara, Marvel, an' all dose
other guys I forgot ... now, we got a woild, not a ghetto! Dat's
the offer dey gave us ... whaddaya say?"
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
For a moment the entire room was silent, as the Toons thought, and
thought. Soon, some of the Toons had smoke trickling from their
ears as their brains heated up.
* * * * *
The voices started as a murmur. "Well ..." "I guess so ... "
"Yeah." "Okay." Then, they built to a chorus of agreement ...
"YES! YES! YES!"
Dr. Beverly Crusher looked happy when she heard this ... and
wistful. If only it were she shouting out "YES! YES! YES!" at
the top of her voice ... with only Jean-Luc to hear her ...
"I 'tink dere's your answer, Jean-Luc." Bugs smiled. "Set yer
course for Toonwoild, and engage!"
"Engage?" Picard looked bemused. "How did you pick up that word,
Bugs?"
"From dat Doctor Crusher. Jean-Luc ..." (Bugs bent to whisper in
Picard's ear.) "... I t'ink the Doc wants to engage YOU. In what
dey used to refer euphemistically as 'snugglebunnies.' Get da
picture?" He winked.
* * * * *
Jean-Luc, in his quarters, narrated into his personal log. His
eyes were wet from tears -- not from sorrow, but his fits of
laughter.
"Captain's Personal Log, addendum. The Toons and their Animators
have unanimously agreed to settle on the distant planet they have
already named Toonworld. In all candor, I have mixed emotions
about their departure.
"On the one hand, they are a new form of life -- and yet, one that
I have known instintively for all my life. Meeting them in the
flesh has reminded me that, beneath our sophistication and our
improved social mechanism, we are all still children.
"On the other hand, they possess those traits of children that must
be reined in, if we are to live together. Children are all
impulses and ego -- they often only have charity and sympathy for
others because adults insist on it. It is enjoyable to know them
-- indeed, since I was one, I can say it is enjoyable to be a Toon.
But they can only be enjoyed in small doses. We intelligent races
of the Galaxy can only handle them for certain periods of time.
"So, they are to be left alone -- not entirely quarantined, but
kept seperate, distant from the centers of Federation civilization.
That is how it must be. But it bothers me that they are to be set
down in a wilderness. I've mentioned this to Bugs, and offered him
food and material replicators to ease their hardship. He simply
laughs and says, in that Brooklyn-like voice of his, 'Don't cha
Chapter 14 305
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
worry, Doc, we got a few gimmacks up our sleeves.' Then, he pulls
up the flesh on his arm, showing absolutely nothing holding up his
hand ... and he smiles and says, 'Whoops, wrong arm.'"
Picard closed his eyes, stifled a giggle, then stiffened his
expression. "Amusing as I might find it, I do worry for him, and
for all the others. End of entry."
* * * * *
"Incoming message from Starfleet Command, Sir," Worf intoned.
"General orders. We are not to take the Toons to their new home
world. Starfleet orders the Enterprise back to the Terran system
for repairs and refitting; they are sending other transportation."
"What is it, Mr. Worf?"
"Unclear, Sir. However, we can expect to rendezvous in
approximately six hours."
Picard sighed. After all that happened, he was prepared for
anything -- except the toon hand that appeared on his sleeve.
"Jean-Luc, what about us? We don't belong on Toonworld. We are
explorers, just like you," Kirk pled.
"Dammit, Jim, he promised us a new ship," McCoy chimed in.
"Indeed, Captains," Spock intoned. "I speak only for myself, but I
do not relish the thought of being deported to a planet with such a
vast number of highly diverse life forms."
"Aye," Scotty added. "I'd rather not live in a world where the
only other Scotsman is a duck. An' tha' wee girl duck -- she
scares me."
* * * * *
Six hours later,. Picard looked in on the throng in the
Observation Lounge. The foursome from the "classic" Enterprise was
animatedly (to coin a phrase) directing the efforts of Chuck, Tex
and the gang. All but Spock, that is; he was standing by the
window, gazing at the stars.
"Captain Picard," Chuck said, relieved, "we're just about
finished."
The Captain inspected their handiwork. Each of the artists had
taken a section to work on; one drew externals, one floor plans,
one room details, and Chuck himself was sketching the other
crewmembers. Sheets of paper bearing the images of Uhura, Chekov,
Sulu, Rand, Nurse Chapel, a couple of Kzinti and a three-armed
creature were scattered about.
306 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Impressive," Picard nodded. "What's the argument?"
The toon crew exchanged sheepish glances. Spock turned away from
the window and raised an eyebrow.
"They could not agree on the length of the female crew's skirts,"
he said disdainfully.
"Spoilsport," McCoy grumbled.
"Bridge to Picard ..."
"Go ahead, Number One." Picard was glad for the interruption.
"Captain, the ... alternate transportation ... has arrived."
"What is it?"
"Sir, they appear to be Baby Gomtii."
"Baby what?"
"Sir," Troi broke in, "they appear to be children of Tin Man ...
Gomtuu ... all eight of them."
Picard tugged on his shirt and sighed deeply. Anything, he
thought, to get these toons off my ship. "Can you communicate with
them, Counselor?"
"Quite easily, Sir. They are asking if we have any zucchini."
A few hours later, when the Baby Gomtii were well fed on replicated
zucchini, all the toons gathered on the shuttle deck to say goodbye
to the Enterprise crew.
Bugs stood near the door with a clipboard, directing toons to their
proper place. "Rocky and Bullwinkle, you'll ride with Binky.
That's the one with the propeller beanie. Duck Tales toons, take
Gizmo -- that's the one with the Volkswagen on his back."
"Aye, and it looks familiar," Scrooge said, as Gizmo beamed him
over.
* * * * *
Picard glanced out the ready room observation port at the giant
beast/ships hovering outside the Enterprise. His eyes examined the
details on the strange, shell-like beasts. Inside, he knew, there
were chambers and panels, filling with the Toons that had so
recently occupied his ship. When the door annunciator sounded, he
moistened his lips and said "Come" without turning around.
The voice behind him was hesitant. "Eh, Jean-Luc ... the last of
us guys are about ready to go."
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"I know," Picard said quietly. "Take a glance out here, Bugs."
The grey rabbit padded quietly to the port. "Looks pretty
uninteresting, Doc -- hey, dat's a pretty serious expression you
got."
Picard didn't move. "Bugs, I have seen more in my existence than
twenty ordinary men. I should have died a dozen times over. I
have been transformed into a mote of energy, I have been the
custodian of a Vulcan statesman's disintegrating personality, and I
have been a machine ... and a Toon."
"I know howya feel," Bugs said cheerfully, trying to lighten the
mood. "Once I was drivin' dis attractive female rabbit t'rough the
suboibs of L.A., and we toined into a motel ..."
"Bugs, please," Picard turned to Bugs, trying and failing to
repress the smile around the corners of his mouth. "You aren't
making this any easier ..."
"Sorry, Doc, but dat's da way I am."
"That's precisely the point I wanted to make. Bugs, I know your
people. I was one of you for a while. I know that, as a matter of
existence, you contort your bodies, you strain, you are smashed,
you fall to pieces ... you undergo pain that would shatter the
psyches of material beings. All for the purposes of entertainment.
And yet, almost to a man, you all of you stay cheerful and
optimistic. You joke, you laugh, you enjoy life and help others
enjoy it. How? From what wellspring do you draw this joy?
"In other words, Bugs, what is the secret of your people?"
Bugs looked thoughtful, then grinned. "Da best kept secret in da
woild, in da univoise, even. We don't got a choice."
Seeing Picard's expression scrunch up, Bugs added, "Don't do dat,
it gives ya wrinkles. And dat's why we stay up all da time. One
a' you humans came up with a law of the univoise, back in the
Nineteen Seventies, I t'ink. Da guy was named Spider Robinson, an'
he called it 'Da Law of da Consoivation of Pain an' Joy.' An' what
he said, we Toons've known ever since we came inta being.
"Da Law says: 'Just like energy, pain an' joy can neither be
created nor destroyed. But one can be transfoimed inta de other.'"
Bugs smiled. "Dat's what we do. Dat's what we're for. Dat's why, no
matter how long we gotta stay in exile on Toonwoild, we're gonna
stick it out, and someday you're gonna welcome us wit' open arms."
"Bugs ..." Picard said, "In a way, I wish I could go with you..."
"But you'd go nuts, Doc. You'd never know when one of us might do
somet'ing ... like dis!" And from his "back pocket", Bugs
308 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
produced a cream pie and slammed Picard in the face with it.
"See?"
"I do see!" Picard broke out in maniac laughter. "Um, Bugs, I'd
very much like to see you off, but do you have anything like a
towel in your back pocket?"
"Sure." Bugs dug around, in the dimensional pocket behind him, and
produced a large Cannon towel. "Dat's another t'ing dey taught in
da Seventies, from Douglas Adams ... interstellar hitchhikers
gotta know where dere towels are at all times."
Picard wiped his face, and turned to Bugs. "I really wish I could
see you on your home world ... it must be hard for you to make a
start on a raw, unfinished world."
Bugs gave an unfanthomable smile. "Oh, we Toons got our ways, Doc
..." as they walked out of the Ready Room.
Chapter 14 309
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Intentionally Left Blank
310 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
EPILOG.
The transporter beam winked out. The strange-looking rabbit,
wearing a knight's helmet, shook his head. He moved in somewhat
jerky fashion, but that was expected for a limited-animation Toon
... especially one as old as he.
Mickey looked down on the list. "Hmmm, I guess that makes you
Crusader Rabbit, right? Hee-hee-hee ..."
"That's me, Mickey." The hare looked at himself, to make sure all
of him made it through the transporter beam. "Hey, I haven't seen
you since the Nineteen Fifties ... I just got my show when you
were doing the 'Mickey Mouse Club'..."
"Yeah, well, hee-hee-hee, better get ready, we're going to do it
real soon." Mickey turned and rushed away. He had an ulterior
motive for getting away from Crusader Rabbit -- the guy was
constantly kvetching about his brief career, and how he deserved
another TV show, or at least a guest star shot...
Mickey brought the list up to Bugs. "That's it, the last one
beamed down." He glanced over at the pitiful pile of equipment the
Enterprise had left the new inhabitants of Toonworld. A few
planetary communicators, a food synthesizer, and the like. "You
sure we've got enough?"
"Yeah. The only reason I took the food synthesizah was ta get
drinks for da whole gang while we gathered here. You ready ta
start, Mick?"
"Yeah, I guess so, hee-hee-hee!" Mickey went trotting off to the
gathering of Disney characters. Bugs glanced over at the Warner
gathering, which was doing fine. Even the "miscellaneous" Toons,
who came from everywhere and everyplace, were cooperating. He held
up his hands and the crowd hushed.
"Okay, the instruments show dat the Enterprise is outa orbit.
Dere's nobody watchin' us now. Are you guys all ready?"
A simultaneous "Yes!" came from every Toon present.
"Okay, den. On da count of t'ree. One...two...T'REE!"
What happened, no human being could observe. It would unnerve
their logic too much. It might even offend them. That is why the
Toons had to be alone to accomplish this. (Alone, that is, except
for their Animators, who had passed beyond the bounds of humanity
and Toonity, and who were controlling the process.)
For on the count of "T'REE!", every single Toon shed their skins.
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
The near-indestructible coating that covered each Toon shed away
like an empty baloon ... leaving the essence of each Toon, a
glowing mass of energy.
In the uncontrolled version of this process -- when Toons are
exposed to the substance known as "dip" -- this loss of their
ink-and-paint containment vessel is catastrophic, and results in
the Toon's death. But here, carefully done in unison, with just
the right conditions established by the Animators ... the glowing,
luminescent beings that were the real essences of the Toons rose
up. And merged.
Yoda was right, at least in regards to Toons. They are luminous
beings, not just crude matter. And, as many religions preach, we
are all one -- but Toons are the only known creatures to know this
as an empirically proved fact.
The glowing entities regarded one another for a moment. About
their forms, one could see, if human eyes could percieve them,
smiles. And then, one by one, they merged into a gigantic, glowing
ball of energy.
That ball of energy, with the advice of the Animators, swept across
the barren, uncomfortable planet. And whatever they touched ...
changed.
Buildings sprouted, where there were none. Some buildings as
ridiculous as the ones in Roger Rabbit's old Toontown, others as
semi-realistic as Frank Miller's classic "Dark Knight" Gotham City.
Structures of all kinds, environments of all kinds, erupted into
being. Farms, factories, motels ... even bars and topless parlors
(those requested by Bart Simpson's ethereal form). An area of
surrealism, called "Wackyland", popped into being.
And finally, when the entire planet had been scoured of the
mundane, the glowing ball of energy seperated into its component
parts, and several hundred glowing forms settled into their
ink-and-paint skins.
Everyone let out a collective sigh.
Finally, the silence was broken by the first word to be spoken on
the planet that was now, irrevocably, positively Toonworld. The
words that made up the oldest known question on every civilized
world.
Hamton J. Pig said, "So, what's for lunch?"
* * * * *
And this ends the saga of "Carrot Juice. Tea, Earl Grey,
Hot."
312 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
But not the saga of Toonworld, as we will continue the story of
the Toons in the world of Star Trek, as they confront one of the
greatest menaces to face the universe! And no, it's not a
Gallagher comedy routine. Watch for it!
Epilog. 313
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Intentionally Left Blank
314 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
INDEX
Index 315
