U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CHAPTER 6
Pepe sagged like a sack of wet laundry against the bulkhead of the
Borg ship. He was exhausted ... primarily in the lips. He had
given Counselor Troi the most romantic time he had ever bestowed on
a female of any species. He concluded his ministrations to the
Betazoid woman with a single red rose, and a complimentary can of
Tomato Juice. "So that others may romance you as intimately as I,
weezout nose cleeps", he told her with a gracious bow.
Think physical sex is hard, readers? Try aerobic charm!
Having regained his strength, Pepe felt renewed. He checked his
shoulders (his aroma he could tolerate, but dandruff was a
disaster). He began a "chanson" from many centuries ago, which
still lifted his heart...
"Gigi, while you were trembling on ze brink/Was I out yonder,
zumwhere, zinking at a ztar..."
"Avec mai oui!", came the jaunty Parisienne voice from the next
corridor.
Pepe's eyelids raised. "Fifi! My dear one ... entrez-vous!"
"I apologize, oh, honored one -- my petit paws are occupied at this
moment, could you entrez-vous here?"
He did. And sure enough, there she was : his exchange pupil from
Acme U., Fifi le Fume. The violet, feminine, and quite aromatic
teenaged skunk had her hands full, indeed. She was pulling huge
hunks of Borg machinery off her buried body.
"Fifi, what has befallen you, my flower of femininity?"
"Eet ees not fair!" She choked back a tear. "I 'ave sought to
counter these cruel creations, not through violence, but through
love! I approached zeese 'hunks mechanique', embraced zhem with
passion, and...zhis happened!" She pointed to the decapitated
mechanic-organic head of one exploded Borg, with what can only be
described as an expression of horror on its face.
"Tell me, mon mentor magnifique, ees eet me? I 'ave been cheated,
been meestreeted, when zhall I be loved?" She buried her soft,
pink nose into Pepe's furry chest.
Pepe sighed. If only he were younger, or had no sense of
propriety. "Mademoiselle, beleeve it or not, zis is a testement to
your love! Zese cretins...", he said, "...'ad not the capacity to
tolerate your love! But I assure you, my petit fumigator, zhere is
one aboard zhis ship who will return your love in full, all you
need to do is find him!"
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"Ah!" The sad mood on Fifi's face blew over like the fumes from
her tail, which even now were beginning to peel the paint from the
walls. "Zhis person zhall not be lonely for long! Here I come, my
reason for puberty!" And she bounded off into the depths of the
Borg ship, her tail swishing back and forth like a twenty
millimeter cannon of love.
Pepe breathed a sigh. He said, "Ah, zhank heaven zhat I am not a
teenaged boy skunk! Au revoir, you bourgeois Borg! Or is zhat
Borgeois Boog? Ah, well." And he bounded along the steel grate of
the ship, whistling happily...
* * * * *
"I'd better act fast -- strong boy could be along here any minute!"
Bugs had, after a long chase throughout the halls of the
Enterprise, finally gotten Arnold off his tail. But he knew it
wouldn't be long before the borgified mongrel would find him again.
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a mallet and began tapping
the wall of the corridor he was in. With his ear to the wall, he
travelled along, looking for that one spot he needed.
A satisfying hollow clang told him he had now found it.
Bugs now began rummaging through his pockets, looking for the next
tool that he needed. Finding it, he pulled out a case with the
words Laurentian Leads - Pencil Crayons emblazoned on the label.
"My fiftieth birtday present from Jack Warner. How thoughtful, how
caring, how cheap", he reminisced, thinking about his old boss.
"Oh well, dey'll come in use now."
Quickly, he began sketching on the wall the thing that he needed...
* * * * *
A large figure was coming down the hall, his nose against the
floor, searching for a trace of his quarry.
"Ahah -- he iss not far from here -- and ven I find him, I give him
Charles Atlas vorkout like he never haff before!"
Arnold kept on, usings his supersensitive nose -- one of the
enhanced senses his new Borg technology afforded him. Nothing, no
one , could stop him. Earlier, a couple of those foolish
Enterprise security personnel, not knowing the power under his
skin, had tried to detain him as an intruder. That was a mistake
they would have regretted had Arnold allowed them to live; one
blast from his gun, and they were reduced to powder before him.
Suddenly he felt a sudden pressure on his backside, as if someone
had just given him a good swift kick.
110 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Arnold turned around. Yes, someone HAD given him a good swift
kick -- Bugs.
"Hey, I've been waitin for da last five minutes, steroid-breath --
a chase isn't any fun by your lonely!"
With that he turned and ran to what appeared to be an elevator
door, pressed the button, and ducked inside as the doors quickly
opened -- and just as quickly closed.
Incensed -- how dare that rabbit accuse him of aquiring his hunky,
manly physique by doping! -- Arnold stalked over to the elevator
door and pressed the button.
The doors opened, revealing a figure who would have been very
familiar to Arnold had it not been for the hastily added moustache
and bellboy cap and uniform. For all the new powers the Borg had
given him, though, Arnold still didn't have the power to see
through such an obviously cheesey disguise.
"Now on main floor, Officer's and enlisted pigs' mess, sick bay,
recreation rooms, and pet department. Next floor, shuttle bays,
brig and customer complaints -- get aboard, doors are closin' move
to da back of da back of da elevator, please."
Quickly Arnold complied with the operator's instructions.
The "operator" quickly walked out of the "elevator" .
"GOIN' DOWN, ya big palooka!" said Bugs.
Arnold looked down - to see that the "elevator" was actually an air
shaft. As he did, the principle of 32 feet per second per second
came to play.
Bugs leaned his ear into the shaft. A few seconds later - a
satisfying crash.
"You think you're so schmart, Rabbit!" screamed Arnold.
"Vell, I'll be back!"
Bugs quickly erased the phony elevator doors. He then turned and
walked in the other direction, shedding his disguise.
"Hee hee hee", he chuckled. "What a gulli-pit-bull, hee hee, what
a muscle-head, hee hee, what a nincom-"
Suddenly he felt something hard and steel in his back.
--"Poop!" he said in a higher pitched voice.
Slowly he turned. There was Arnold, a smug grin on his face.
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Aszz you can see, mine hare, I'm a man uff my word", he snarled.
He poked the gun into Bugs' chest.
"Ah, listen doc," Bugs attempted to reason with him. "Let's not go
atom-splittin' hares..."
Arnold pulled the trigger. There was a blinding flash of light --
and Bugs was reduced to powder.
Suddenly something beeped on Arnold's person. He pulled out the
communicator and held it to his ear.
"YOU IDIOT!," screamed Monty, who had been monitoring the action
through a camera within Arnold's eye. "You were supposed to bring
him back alive! Not reduce him to ash!"
"Don't vorry, boss," Arnold shot back. "He iss not dead -- I just
set mine gun to 'Freeze-dry' -- it vill make it easier to transport
him vithout any monkey business."
Arnold quickly swept the crystals into a vial, stored them in his
pouch at the side, and dematerialized.
Suddenly, there was a rustling under some rubble left from the
battle. Up popped two identical gophers.
"I say, this now leaves such a nasty snag in the plot, doesn't it?"
asked one.
"Quite", said the other.
"Oh dear, oh dear. This means we'll have to do something, but
what?"
Well, in cases like this, I guess we should inform whoever's in
charge of the ship of this terrible event".
"Splendid idea, but who should tell him?"
"I say, how about you? You were always so good with words."
"Oh, no, I couldn't really. I must insist that the honour go to
you."
"I am so flattered that you think of me like that -- but oh dear,
time is a wasting -- tell you what, let's both do it!"
"Capital - he'll get a clearer picture that way. Shall we go to it
then?"
"Indeed! You lead the way."
112 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Oh, I must insist, after you..."
* * * * *
On board said NCC-1701-C, the bridge crew of nameless extras was
attempting to determine where, precisely, they were, and what the
three new ships in the area were doing.
They never had a chance, though, for the trip through the rift in
space had temporarily disabled their defense screens. The Borg,
sensing this, and wishing to keep the plot threads in the story at
a reasonable level, blasted them into a cloud of rapidly
dissipating atoms.
Just for the target practice, they then proceeded to destroy the
now-empty Phoenix-class starship in which Shelby had returned.
The gophers, of course, were completely unaware of these
developments.
* * * * *
The halls of the Enterprise were now quiet. The recent
developments of the past few hours had driven every able person on
the starship to their various stations, prepared for any possible
attack by the Borg or the command by Commander Riker to take the
appropriate action.
All, that is, except one. A lone figure, walking in the direction
of the transporter room, a person with a desperate mission : to
save his captain and a small toon who had, in the last number of
hours, had gained his admiration and trust.
As he walked, taking care not to draw any attention to himself, he
reflected upon the events of the past fifteen minutes, when two
identical ground rodents appeared on the bridge and told a stunned
Riker of what had transpired between Bugs and an obviously advanced
form of Borg.
Oh, there was talk of what to do next, of course. But that was
all, just talk -- with nothing to act upon.
Riker needed time to ponder the situation; he needed more
information before he could act.
Shelby, though happily now being more cooperative, was not very
helpful -- her knowledge of the Borg's way of operating now being
frightfully limited in the face of this obviously new form of Borg.
Even Chuck was at a loss for words : he had never come across a
situation where Bugs had been so overwhelmingly defeated by the
enemy, and had no way of thinking of a way of getting him out of
it. He needed someone like Tedd or Mike to help him out. Of
course, they were not available.
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And so it was, with the crew on the deck talking about what could
be done, rejecting it as too risky or too ridiculous. Meanwhile,
the lives of their two leaders hung in the balance with each
passing second, both in the clutches of the fearsome alien race in
the ship hovering across from the Enterprise.
And while they talked and argued about appropriate action, they
failed to see one of their number slip out of the deck, a desperate
plan forming in his mind -- the only plan that could work.
* * * * *
Worf realized the seriousness of the action that he was taking as
he adjusted the parameters of the teleporter so that it would take
him into the Borg ship.
He knew he would have to ultimately face someone of authority
regarding his derelection of duty, of abandoning his post in the
line of fire of the enemy. There would probably be a tribunal,
perhaps a court-martial, and he would have to face the consequences
of their ruling.
But he also knew that this was something he had to do. It was the
only plan that would work, but it was a plan that he knew that
Riker would never approve of because it seemed so ridiculous, so
foolhardy, and so ultimately dangerous.
Worf knew that the Borg who had defeated Bugs was a toon form of
some sort. This knowledge would help him defeat him, in a way that
he had seen Bugs defeat his enemies in countless of the films he
had watched while in the home of his adoptive parents and during
the times in Star Fleet training where they were the only thing
that would keep him from exploding in a Klingon rage.
But this was more than that. He was responsible for bringing Bugs
into this dimension, obstensibly to just ask for advice in their
predicament. But now Bugs was part of the battle himself and had
been able, through his leadership, to accomplish what the
Enterprise crew could not. And now Bugs had been dishonoured by
one of his own! Worf felt he was responsible for this too, and for
that reason was out to not only save Bugs, but to help the toon
retain his honour.
As he began to dematerialize on the pad, Worf clutched the small
package at his side. It had been intended for use in a more
jovial, peaceful time -- but its hour of need was now. He hoped it
was what he needed to defeat the ultimate Borg...
* * * * *
A flood. A vortex. And the approximate gravitational pull of a
black hole.
With that, Bugs was reconstituted on the Borg ship. He looked
around; the first to catch his eye was Wocutus, then Electro-Myra.
114 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Finally, his gaze fell upon Montana Max.
"You! I mighta known. I oughta..."
"Save it, long-ears. You might rule the roost at Acme Loo, but
this ship is my turf. I bought it with last week's allowance."
His tirade was interrupted by an approaching cacaphony.
"Philithtines! How dare you place your hands upon DUCK DODGERS IN
THE 24TH 1/2 --"
He was silenced by Wocutus' cold Borg hand around his neck.
"Silence, iwwelevant Duck!." Momentarily slipping back into
character, Wocustus then said, "Shall I shoot you now, or wait til
I get home?"
"All right, here's the deal." Max paced his tiny body back and
forth in front of the assembly. "All you toons will surrender to
the Borg and be assimilated. That way, when this ship gets to
Earth, everyone will think it's a big gag and be lulled into a
false sense of security, and I will rule the world! Ha ha ha hah
hahahahahahah!"
Bugs produced a carrot and began munching thoughtfully. "Well,
Doc, after much consideration, I have to say : No way, Max-ay."
Wocutus aimed his weapon at Bugs. "Oh, gweat Supweme, wet me shoot
the wabbit now."
Daffy saw his chance. Jumping up and down, waving his left hand
and pointing his right index finger at Bugs, he shouted, "Yes!
Shoot him now! Shoot him now!"
Bugs calmly continued munching. "Oh, no. He doesn't have to shoot
you now."
"Yes he does! He does have to shoot me now!" Daffy turned to
Wocutus. "I demand that you shoot me now!"
So he did.
* * * * *
Buster and Babs were completely exhausted. They had perfectly
pontificated a possible solution to a pressing primary problem,
precisely, Picard's predicament. This was too many P's, especially
for Toons with normal voices, who couldn't get extra laughs by
spitting on each plosive consonant.
"Ah'm feelin' a bit enervated, deah suh," Babs said, in her best
Blanche DuBois voice. "Would you kahndly fetch me a bit of
refreshment? Ah've always been dependant on the kahndness of
strangers." And she flopped backwards on the conference table.
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Frankly, mah dear," Buster replied in a Clark Gable/Rhett Butler
voice, "I don't give a..."
Suddenly, he looked around. This word was not allowed on his old
show, or for that matter on GEnie, and although the Acme Behavior
Modification System was not evident in this conference room, one
never knew...
"Aw, skip it," Buster said grumpily, as he stepped to the
conference room's food synthesizer. "Let's see what kind of
carrots this thing turns out." He punched up the menu, and read
with suprise the most popular entry at the top of the list.
"Hmmm...tea, Earl Grey, hot."
Immediately, the synthesizer materialized a glass of the smooth,
sophisticated beverage in front of him. Buster took a sip of the
drink.
"Hmm, not bad ... but it could use some NutraSweet, and maybe some
carbonation. Lessee..." He addressed the machine directly.
"Burger, Weenie, with carrot slaw, fries and Acme Cola. For two,"
he said, glancing at Babs.
Babs had, on a whim, changed into a Chico Marx outfit, and
muttered, "And two hard-boiled eggs."
"And two hard-boiled eggs," Buster added.
The synthesizer groaned for a moment, then produced the items.
Buster closed his eyes and inhaled. That was more like it : the
delicious taste of fried synthetic tofu-beef on a freshly-oiled
bun, with catsup, salt and pepper (still regarded as three
vegetables by the Federal School Lunch Program).
Buster quickly slid the plates onto the conference table. "Okay,
Babs-a-loo! Chow down!"
The two rabbits plowed into the meal with their traditional gusto,
which naturally made them burp. After muttering a momentary
"Pardon me" in unison, they continued to mow through the edibles.
At that moment, the food synthesizer (which mistook the two Tiny
Toons for small human children) began to lecture them. "Be
careful," the instructional program said, "you should not eat so
quickly. And you should program something with more nutritional
value than synthetic meat. Also, good manners requires that you
lift the food to your mouth, not lower your faces into the
plate..."
Babs, ignoring the program, tasted the cup from which Buster had
previously sampled Picard's favorite beverage. "Hmm. Tea, Earl
Grey, hot."
116 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Buster was not ignoring the program, it irritated him by
interrupting his feeding frenzy. "Go talk to yourself," he told it
in a rude, gruff voice.
The synthesizer, what with all the tampering by gremlins, the Borg
and God knows what else, took Buster's gruff tone as the voice of
an adult, and the last two sentences as a command. So, as the
now-sated bunnies stepped out of the conference room, the food
synthesizer began talking to itself. It said to itself, "Tea, Earl
Grey, hot. Tea, Earl Grey, hot." And it kept materializing cup
after cup of the substance, each new cup cramming another out of
the food slot onto the floor.
We leave you now, with the tinkling sound of synthesized Wedgewood
china and the aroma of Bergamot flavoring filling the room...
* * * * *
Oh, gee, I must disagree, Marvin the Martian does indeed use Acme
equipment, namely the "Acme Strait Jacket Ejecting Bazooka".
* * * * *
Space. Space is really big (but you knew that). However, most of
space is BORING. Like, to death. Dullsville. Makes Oklahoma
prairie look like the inside of a pinball machine, from the
pinball's point of view. Much of space has nothing to recommend
it, unless you like the elbow room.
Therefore, when a brightly colored twin-engine plane appeared where
it had absolutely no business being, its passengers did not have a
lot to look at. There was the Enterprise(they knew it was the
Enterprise, because it said so, right on the side. With lights,
even), and there was a large, ominous, mostly black cube.
The craft immediately made for the Enterprise.
Fortunately, somebody had left the shuttle bay doors open.
Unfortunately, there was a twenty foot slingshot partially blocking
the opening. Disregarding anything connected with the Bernoulli
Effect or Newton's Second Law of Motion, the aircraft spun,
pivoted, dived, looped, yawed, spun again, and then began to make
progress towards the bay. If you didn't count the wing that caught
the three foot thick rubber band, it was a perfect landing.
The hatch opened, thought twice about it, closed, then entered into
a dispute with the passengers concerning the wisdom of opening in
the current circumstances which ended in the hatch being kicked off
its hinges. The passegers disembarked.
"Blazes, Loonchpad! Wier ha' ya' gotten us stook noo?"
"See, Mr. McD? I told you we'd land, eventually, somewhere."
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(Dangling wing fragment falls.)
"Wow! Wadda mess!"
"Quiet noo, boys. Foortunatly, Ah've broot me lucky dime with me.
I find it coomferts me when Loochpad is sittin' in the froont part
o' the plane, if not pilotin' it. Why haven't I hired a better
pilot, I woonder?"
"Uhh, I think they expect to be paid, Mr. McD."
"Ach, that's right, I knew thaere was a reason."
"Unca Scrooge, look! We're onna SPACESHIP."
"I wonder what these buttons do..."
(And the Tooniverse trembled...)
After wandering around for a few hours, Donald began to get tired
and hungry. He looked around for a place to rest. Of course, a
place to rest that was out of the way of the borg was hard to find.
But Donald finally found a small pipped alcove that was big enough
for Donald and the baby to rest in.
"Boy am I hungry." Donald cuddled the girl in his arms. "Hmm, now
what should I call you. You is not much of a name. Hehehehehe,
you are a very good girl. Too bad my nephews are not as good. But
they are pretty good kids. Hmm, how about Sue? Naaaaa. Tara?
Naaaaaa. How about Aloura? I like that name. Okay Aloura it will
be. Oh I bet you're hungry too."
Donald put Aloura down on the floor and rummaged in the "pockets"
that he does not have. But it seemed like the child did not like
this arrangement at all and started to cry. But it was not a soft
wimper, but a cry so loud that it could wake the dead in the next
solar system.
The startled duck picked her up and tried to quiet her as fast as
he could. He remembered in the board meeting, Cmdr Riker had said
that the borg were linked together by their head implants and
Donald figured that even with one implant, the borg now knew where
they are. So he quickly took out his phaser, and sure enough a big
borg appeared in front of them.
"Surrender! Resistance is futile!" The borg that was mostly wires
and gears, held up his handless arm and was about to fire. But
Donald fired first and scored a hit in the borgs chest.
"Got 'em! But these settings won't work now. Hmmmmmm" Suddenly a
light bulb appeared over his head and Donald took it so he could
see what he was doing. "I got an idea!", and he pulled an Acme
pencil and an Acme eraser out of his "pocket". {sigh} "Well okay,
118 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Acme can help once in a while."
* * * * *
Donald took the eracer and erased the phaser settings. Then he
took the pencil and made new ones. Some of the settings were:
Unscrew, RUST, XL PORTABLE HOLE, SHORT CIRCUIT ...
Donald had just enough time to write the last setting, when another
borg appeared. This one looking meaner than the first. Donald
picked up the child and set the phaser and fired.
Suddenly, bits and pieces of the borg started to fall off the borg.
This really slowed the borg down. Donald stood up and ran way
muttering "This is not one of my best days!"
* * * * *
Deanna managed to find a corner where she could strip off her
clothes and bathe in the tomato juice. She rinsed off her uniform
in the stuff, then found a convenient water spigot with which to
rinse off everything.
Betazoids were extremely sensual creatures, understanding the
proper role of sex and romance in the total gestalt of humanoid
races. Still, she decided she would have to write a monograph
about "Maurice Chevalierism" for the Federation Sexuality
institute, after she correlated this data with Captain Picard, if
he ever was restored to normal.
And then, from an intersection further down the corridor, Deanna
heard something she didn't expect -- a comforting, contemplative
sound...
"O-wha-ta-Loon-I-am ... o-wha-ta-Loon-I-am ...
Curious, Deanna walked to the source, dressed in her dripping wet
jumpsuit. She thought ironically, if it was a threat, she could
shake her sleeve and sprinkle all over it...
The white Toon bird (for you orinthologists out there, a loon
isdifferent from a duck!) was floating in midair, her legs in a
lotus position. She opened her eyes, and in a sprightly voice,
said, "Oh. Like, hi, Deanna Troi."
Deanna's face screwed up into a knot. "Excuse me, how do you know
who I am?"
"It's, like, radiating from your aura like a neon sign, or some
junk." She held out her hand, amazingly, in the Betazed universal
greeting. "Shirley the Loon, psychic, telepath, telekineticist,
and I babysit real cheap, too."
Deanna touched her fingertips to Shirley's, responding to the
greeting. Even though she was not a full Betazed, she could feel
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
the energy radiating off this particular Toon. And for once, words
failed her. "I---I, uh..."
"You're pleased to meet me, and some junk. Gosh, you're making me
blush." Shirley's words spilled out of her mouth like a broken
faucet. "Whoops, sorry, Deanna. I did it again. Like, I'll try
not to read your mind, and let you speak your peace, so you won't
frazzle your karma."
"Um, thank you." This Toon was confusing Deanna more than Pepe Le
Pew. "You -- you are a being of astonishing power."
"Aw, it's nothing. Just started reading the completed works of
Shirley MacLaine, Edgar Cayce, and dudes like that, and I just took
off. Wanna try yourself? I mean, like, with these grody Borg
types around, we could use every bit of psychic energy we got.
C'mere, get into lotus position." And she floated over in the
alcove to give Deanna room.
Deanna, puzzled, moved into the alcove and crossed her legs. "You
should know I am a Betazoid, not a Betazed..."
"Zoid, Zed, Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, like those folks over at Disney say.
Just stay centered and, like, release your mind to float free, like
an Alka-Selzer or a Fizzy or whatever. If you dig where I'm coming
from..."
"I think I understand," Deanna said, still uncertain about all of
this.
Out of the top of Shirley's head, a ghostly double of her flowed
and began floating above her floating body. The aura glanced over
at Troi's body, still rooted to the ground, grimaced, and with
incredible telekinetic strength, yanked her body off the floor.
Then, she telepathically shouted into Deanna's ear, "All right, you
lazybones, get your metaphysical booty out of there, 'kay?" before
returning to a location above Shirley's physical body.
Slowly, tenatively, a ghostly image of Deanna separated from her
body. The image opened its eyes, and looked around. "This is
quite a view," Deanna's aura said. "I've never been outside my
body before..." She gave a quick look down at her physical self,
and frowned. "Perhaps I should have abstained from that last hot
fudge sundae in Ten-Forward..."
"Hey, pay attention," Shirley's aura told Deanna's aura. "We've
got a universe to save, and junk like that. Close your ectoplasmic
eyes, and concentrate..." She did. "Do you see a presence?"
"I do." Deanna's aura let her jaw go slack. "It is a powerful
presence, a presence that can shake the universe, a presence that
is close, and getting nearer, nearer, it is approaching the
Enterprise ... it is ... MY MOTHER!!"
120 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Both Deanna's and Shirley's voices shouted "YEEEEK!", and collapsed
into their respective bodies, which fell to the ground with a
CLUMP!
And a voice of a powerful telepath popped into both their
heads..."Now, don't bother straightening up your quarters, little
one : I was just in the neighborhood and wanted to drop in on that
charming Jean-Luc! Will he be available to carry my luggage, and
Mister Homn, too?"
And in unison, these two very different beings, the Toon loon and
the Betazed counselor, uttered the universal cry, "Oy vey."
* * * * *
Bugs stepped out of Riker's cabin, where he had been sequestered
with the bearded First Officer for the previous hour. His eyes
gazed at the man with new respect.
"That's a jaw-dropper, Commandah," he muttered, shaking his head to
and fro. "Mind you, I know what it means when dey say, 'breed like
rabbits', but YOU..." He wobbled his head once more, then blinked
and got back to business. "So, you wanna go with dat plan of
Buster and Babs, eh?"
"I don't see that we have much choice," Riker said. "Data told me
that the only other way to save the Captain would be to hook his
brain into Data's, and have him try to interfere with the Borg Mind
and -- oh, it just sounds too improbable. And we know your method
works."
"Yeah, on Toons," Bugs muttered darkly, "The real trick is figuring
how to convoit Picard into a Toon. It was real easy with this
Wesley kid. Picard's got very little scientific savvy and a whole
lotta poisonality. Wesley's got lotsa scientific savvy an'..."
"I know what you're saying, Bugs," Riker interjected quickly, "but
I think it's still possible. We must assemble our strike team to
intercept Locutus. Who do you want from the Toon contingent?"
"Well, Buster an' Babs had the idea, Shoiley the Loon's got the
psychic connection. Maybe Fifi La Fume or Pepe Le Pew, or both a'
them. That oughta do it. How 'bout your team?"
Riker, ever-ready and alert, spun off the names. "Worf, Data and
Dr. Crusher. Wesley might be useful. I'd ask for Deanna, but I
don't know where she is."
A sound to strike fear into the hearts of man and Toon alike came
bellowing from the door just ahead, which led to the shuttlecraft
storage bay.
"Now, why should you bother my darling daugher, Commander Riker,
when I'm here?"
Chapter 6 121
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"ULP ... Ambassador Troi..." Riker gasped, as the woman came into
view.
"Holy Hassenpheffer!" Bugs hollered. "Look at dat great big
torpedo stuck in the crotch of dat big bald guy!"
"Pay no attention to Mister Homn," Lwaxana Troi said distractedly,
"he's simply my manservant. Despite his outrageously lustful
thoughts about me, I allow him to carry my slender overnight bag."
Before Bugs could say anything about the outrageous female in front
of him, she continued, "Oh, excuse me, we haven't been introduced.
I am Lwaxana Troi, Daughter of the Fifth House, Keeper of the
Sacred Chalice, Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed..."
"And I am Bugs Bunny," the grey hare muttered back in the same
haughty tone, "Friend of Sir Satchmo of Armstrong, Legacy of Sir
Mel da Mellow-Voiced, Brudder-in-law of Oswald da Rabbit. So,
sister, how's those Jazzercise sessions going?" He eyed her up and
down, turned away, rolled his eyes, and returned his attention to
her.
"Oh, what a perfectly charming man. But not a man, of course."
Lwaxana, it seems, couldn't be fazed by anything. "Here, if you
wouldn't mind, help me with my things, Mister Homn, hand that over
to the rabbit."
"Sure thing, sister -- OOOF!" Bugs, who normally stood about five
feet tall, was squashed to two feet under the huge cylindrical
suitcase that the bald giant dropped on top of him. His Toon body
recovered admirably, with his legs snaking out from under the heavy
case. "Ooof ... uh ... hey, buddy," he said to Mister Hum, "did
anybuddy tell you you look a lot like Mick Fleetwood?"
"What are you doing here, Mrs. Troi?" Riker asked, trying to
quell the rising gorge in his throat. "They were supposed to
have..."
"Paged you? Oh, such formality, during critical times, simply
won't do, Commander." Lwaxana blithely chatted, not noticing how
Bugs' legs were buckling under his encumberance. "Besides, if you
truly want to try this scheme, you will almost certainly need a
full Betazed on hand. And since this is bound to be a holy Betazed
ritual, I believe we should all be naked."
Riker thought to himself, she'll pick any excuse to bounce around
in the buff, and then he remembered she was a fully-capable
mind-reader. "Um, excuse me..." he blurted out.
"Oh, that's quite understandable, young man," Lwaxana said
offhandedly. "I believe this is my cabin?"
Bugs needed no excuse to drop his load. He kicked the sliding door
aside, dropped the case inside, and fell on the floor, exhausted
122 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
and panting.
"Now you see, Commander," Lwaxana said in the tone of a teacher
instructing a slow child, "there is the proper attitude to take.
This Bunny person is already naked..."
"Yeah, right, sister," Bugs muttered as he slowly rose from the
floor. "Though sometimes I cross-dress -- believe it or not, I did
dat sorta thing long before 'Rocky Horror'..."
"Oh, splendid!" Lwaxana nearly turned a pirhouette of joy. "You
must certainly be a part of my mission to rescue the brave Captain
Jean-Luc!"
"Your mission?" Bugs said with outrage. "Where do ya get off..."
He suddenly stopped as Riker jabbed an elbow into his side.
"Forget it, she's on a roll," Riker whispered. "And maybe the Borg
will like her..."
* * * * *
"Vell, here I am!"
Arnold made his way down the corridors of the Borg ship, heading in
the direction that would bring him to his rendevous with Monty,
Marvin, and the Supreme Borg. It had taken him a little longer
than expected to teleport himself into the ship, the computer
responsible for Borg matter alignment during transport being one of
the victims of the gremlin. But now here he was, complete with the
prize he had been sent to get.
"Mission accomplished!" he said to himself smugly. "Nozzing can
prevent Arnold from accomplishing his goal -- not even farschmelt
bunny rabbit!"
"Eh, (Crunch crunch crunch), I wouldn't say that, Doc", came a
voice from behind him.
Arnold froze in his tracks. He then turned slowly, to face.....
"NEIN!" he yelled.
There before him stood the foe he had so recently vanquished -- or
so he thought. Oh, this being did resemble Bugs somewhat -- if
Bugs were six and a half feet tall, built muscularly, had a
copper-coloured face and reeked somewhat of prune juice. But he
DID have ears and a cotton tail, and he WAS crunching a carrot...
Worf was pleased. The suit -- which he had ordered especially for
the next Officer's halloween party -- was proving effective in
putting disbelief into the tapioca in Arnold's head. Now for the
hard part -- he hoped that he could remember enough of Bugs' modus
operandi to pull his next trick off.
Chapter 6 123
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Ach Du Leiber Augustine! Zis Iss Impossible!" screamed Arnold.
"I disintegrated you! I placed you in zis vial at my side! I
vanquished you!"
"Uh, hate to disillusion you, Atlas, but ya didn't!" Bugs/Worf
replied.
Arnold stared eyeball to eyeball with Worf. "I DID!"
"NOT!" screamed back Worf.
"DID!"
"NOT!"
"DID!"
"NOT!"
"DID!"
"NOT!"
"DID"
"DID!" said Worf, switching gears.
"NOT!" yelled Arnold, falling for it. "You are not vanquished,
and you are not in zis vial!"
"Ehhhhhhhhhh", said Worf slyly (or as slyly as a Klingon could).
"Wanna bet?"
Arnold pulled a roll of bills from his pocket, and threw them to
the floor. "Zere iss mine bet," he snarled. "Now I'll prove to
you zat you are not in ziss vial!"
With that, Arnold took the vial and threw it down on the ground,
smashing it to pieces. He then pulled a canteen out and poured the
contents on the pile of dust that was now free from its
confinement.
"Ve vill now see who iss der smart von, Mr. Long-ears, if zis dust
iss really you, you vill reconstitute in approximately -- AHAH!"
Worf was taken aback by this new epiphet of Arnold's - but soon
discovered why. The tailor, who had done such an excellent fitting
on the body part of the suit, had not done such a good job on the
head, which had now slipped off and revealed the bony carapace on
his cranium.
"Zo, der Klingon! Try to pull der sauerkraut over Arnold's eyes,
vill you? Vell be prepared to eat proton force", he yelled, aiming
124 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
the laser that had done in Bugs earlier.
But before he could pull the trigger, Worf went into action,
kicking the gun out of Arnold's hands.
"Now we will have a fair fight", yelled Worf. "You will not
dishonour me in combat!"
With that, the two took to swinging blows at each other, each
making an occasional connection, each expertly dodging each other's
fists.
But it was really no match, for despite Worf's excellent physical
condition from his workouts on the holodeck, he didn't have what
Arnolds' Borg circuitry allowed him : unlimited stamina. Not to
mention a strength equal to, if not greater than, a Klingon's own.
This became apparent a few moments later, when Worf, attempting to
dodge a blow, misjudged in his exhaustion -- and was knocked to his
back, nearly unconscious.
"Now ve shall see who is the victor, Herr Klingon!" spat Arnold
through clenched metal teeth. "Now I vaporize you -- all I haff to
do iss find mine gun, and you are...."
"Ehhh, drop dis, Vic Mature?"
Arnold turned to face a newly reconstituted Bugs, the real Bugs,
who was now holding the Borg canine's laser pistol, cocked and
ready to fire.
A look of fear crept upon Arnold's face. "Nein, herr hare -- you
vouldn't obliterate me, vould you", he pleaded. "Affter all, I am
a fellow toon! A coworker! Please, you vouldn't shoot old Arnold,
your old pal from times past? YOU CAN'T KILL ME UND DESTROY MINE
ENTIRE VARNER BROTHERS CAREER!"
Bugs pulled the trigger. There was a blinding flash - and a pile
of dust where Arnold once stood.
"Consider dat a pink slip, Doc!" Bugs chuckled. He then strode to
Worf, whowas beginning to regain consciousness.
"Worf! I'm glad to see you , but why risk your hide over little
old me?"
"Because", Worf replied, "you are our, and the Captain's, only hope
in defeating the Borg. And I couldn't stand to see you be
dishonoured in the way that that thing did to you!"
Bugs responded by giving Worf the biggest kiss possible.
Chapter 6 125
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
As he wiped the saliva from his face, Worf noticed some activity
from the pile of dust where Arnold had stood moments before. He
thought he could see movement -- no, it must be his imagination --
no it was for real!
For rising from the ashes was a form -- a glistening form -- a
glistening, metallic, skeleton-like form with red-glowing eyes and
a dog-shaped head. And it was coming towards them...
* * * * *
There was a rush of air in the empty corridor, and the Road Runner
stood before the entrance to the Holodeck.
"Pthumthoomp!", said the Road Runner.
"Request not understood. Scanning language banks", replied the
computer. Lights counted in binary while the processor attempted
to match the sample with any known audible form of communication.
Then the computer started to make sounds reminiscent of a chorus of
champagne bottles at midnight on New Year's Eve.
("This is the Holodeck. A wide variety of simulated environments
are available. Please state your request.")
Hmmm. Simulated environments...
"Thoonkapthump!"
("Program complete. You may enter when ready.")
The heavy bulkheads slid aside and the Road Runner entered. Ever
since finding himself in this strange building with frustratingly
curved corridors, he had become increasingly tense, a novel
sensation for him. But now he was home...
* * * * *
Aboard the Borg vessel, yet another scout was being prepared. In
the great past history of the Borg, it had been determined that
small landing parties represented an efficient use of time and
energy (if you cared to make the distinction). Even though this
had proved not to be the case a number of times with the
Enterprise, losses had not yet reached the point where a
re-evaluation of this policy was in order.
Hence, only one Borg was to transport.
Borg sensors detected a large area with a minimum of traffic within
the Enterprise, a preferable target since the repairs of the beam
stabilization circuitry had not yet been tested. A fall of a few
feet would not harm a Borg. The Borg dissolved in spinning bands
of light...
126 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
reappear on board the Enterprise. There was one of the 'toon foes
immediately before him! The Borg strode forward to grasp the being
by its prominent airway; but failed to do so. The Borg had not
moved forward the required 0.7 meters. This situation fell outside
of pre-programmed parameters and would have to be submitted for
processing.
"Message to Borg Collective: Unit 1178 mobility impeded. Advise."
"Collective to 1178: Report current terrain."
1178 directed its optical sensors downwards to ascertain the
information.
"1178 to Collective: No current terrain."
"Collective to 1178: ?? Amplify."
"1178 to Collective: Unit 1178 is not currently in contact with
any terrain."
"Collective to 1178: Unit 1178 will not be able to initiate
voluntary movement until contact with terrain is reestablished.
Query: Is non-voluntary movement detected?"
"1178 to Collective: No movement was detected until query
evaluated. There is currently an arithmetic increase in speed
occurring. Stand by..."
* * * << Whunch!! >> * * *
"1178 to Collective: <Sput> Contact <crackle> with terrain
<fissss> reestablished. However, <pop> still unable to <poof>
initiate movement. <Fweeeeee> Request assistance."
* * * * *
"W-w-w-w-w-well this is a fine h-h-how do you d-do!"
Porky couldn't have picked anything more accurate to describe the
situation -- for he and Hamton were now surrounded by four Borg,
their dip-guns pointed in their direction, ready to terminate the
porcine pair.
"I g-g-guess this is the end, favorite pupil," Porky said.
"W-w-we've exhausted all p-p-p-possible ways to get rid of them -
b-b-bashing, f-f- flamethrowing, ex-ex-ex-posing them to reruns of
"Twin Peaks".
"I guess so, Porky", replied Hamton, a tear rolling down his cheek.
"Well, I guess this is goodbye". he took a hold of Porky's hand
and shook it.
Chapter 6 127
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"So long", responded Porky.
"Farewell."
"Adieu."
"Aloha."
"H-h-h-happy trails."
"Arreviderci."
"Rosh Hashanah."
"Don't take any wooden nickels."
"S-s-s-s-stay out of Italian sports c-c-cars."
"Did you remember to wear clean underwear in case you have a space
accident?"
The Borg standing over them were so engrossed in the scene of final
goodbyes between the two that they were unaware of the thing
creeping up behind them, or if they were, they assumed it to be
another Borg...
* * * * *
"Four Borg at five o'clock, thpace cadet", said Daffy. "We'll need
more power -- faster, faster!"
"But sir (PANT PANT)", replied Plucky, who was sweating buckets as
he pedaled the generator, "My legs - we're stretching my (PANT
PANT) stamina to the limit (OVERCOAT), my body can't (Wheeze) take
any more!"
"Come on thpace cadet, quit using that tacky dialogue from a
fourth-rate TV series -- or at leatht use a Scottish brogue when
you deliver them!" Bethideth, you're coming to another break in
five minutes - keep going!"
"Yes, sir, but how will we attack them now? Remember, we can't use
the same method of attack twice!"
"I know! BUT, we haven't used approach Z-28 yet!" replied Daffy.
With that, the great hallway cruiser pulled up to the Borg who were
surrounding Porky and Hamton.
"HEY, YOU REFUGEES FROM A FRIGIDAIRE DEALERSHIP!" Daffy yelled
through the loudspeaker. "WHY DON'T YOU PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN
SIZE!"
128 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
With that, the Borg came charging at the cruiser at full
speed........
"They're coming! HOO HOO!"
Daffy pulled the lever at his side in the cockpit. Instantly the
cruiser rose up as its legs began to telescope, leaving enough room
for two Borg to pass completely under it -- and to smash themselves
against a wall behind it.
"Okay, two down, and two to go!"
Daffy now pushed a little red button on the console.
A door opened on the front of the cockpit -- and a giant boxing
glove on a spring came flying out, hitting the next approaching
Borg below the belt.
"The TYSON TENDERIZER -- never fails!" exhorted Daffy as he
watched the Borg go down for the count. "One more - open hatch!"
With that, Daffy grabbed a package lying near the opening door and
exited, making a beeline toward the remaining fighting machine.
"Here, old chump!", said Daffy, tears in his eyes. "This is for
all I did to your pals -- I give up, I promise I won't be screwy
anymore! You wait here while I say goodbye to my family..." he
said as he made his way back to the ship.
The Borg picked up the package. This would warrant closer
inspection. It undid the bow on the top and remove the lid, only
to find...
"IT'S ME AGAIN!" screamed Daffy as he leaped out of the package
and sprayed the Borg's head with the contents of a fire
extinguisher, then, while it groped blindly to remove the foam from
its ocular unit, he shoved an oversize cigar in its mouth and lit
it. He then ran for cover.
As the explosion subsided, all you could see was a pile of scrap
metal, with the Borg's head on top of it, its eyes flashing the
words "game over" on and off.
Daffy quickly ran to Porky and Hamton. "Hey, you two, are you
alright?"
"AUTHOR, AUTHOR!" the two applauded.
"Thankth, guyth, I'll remember you at Oscar time. Now, into the
ship! Come on thpace cadet, we have to --- UNGHHHHH!"
Daffy was knocked over by Plucky's pounding heart, which was
leaping and straining to get out of his chest.
Chapter 6 129
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"I wasssss once - A TIIINY TOOOOOON!" moaned Plucky before he
keeled over from exhaustion on top of Daffy. He began snoring.
"What a time to go off duty", Daffy grimaced as he removed his
once-eager underling from off of him. "Well, it looks like one of
you two will have to take over for awhile, who'll it be?"
"Oh no, my doctor told me not to go into strenuous exercise just
after eating", said Hamton.
"W-w-w-wait I got a sol - sol - sol - fix-it." replied Porky, a
light bulb appearing above his head. He then ran over to one of
the vanquished Borg and then, using a screwdriver, opened a
compartment on its back.
He came back with two large cylindrical objects as big as he was.
"H-h- h- here - just hook these up to the g-g-g-generator- these'll
make the cruiser go!"
Daffy read the lettering on the tall copper-and-black cylinders.
"ONE (1) DURACELL ALKALINE CELL, SIZE 'BBB' (Big Borg Battery) -
Expiration Date Feb 29th, 3997 AD - Do Not Attempt To Recharge -
You'll Blow Up Real Good!"
"I would've prefered Energizer, but they'll do. And while we're at
it, get some more from the other destroyed Borg -- by wrapping them
in plastic and putting 'em in the freezer, they'll come in handy
should we need them..."
* * * * *
The skeletal robot that made up the understructure of Arnold was
now advancing upon Bugs and Worf.
"Hey, dere, Meccanno, don't come any closer or else I'll be forced
to use dis gun again", said Bugs, pointing the laser pistol.
Arnold responded by taking a huge chunk out of the pistol with his
metal teeth. Bugs dropped the sparking pistol, which exploded into
flames as it hit the floor.
Bugs looked over at Worf - "Did you intrepid space-jockey types
ever have days like this?"
"Got a few hours?" Worf replied.
Arnold interjected by giving a metallic howl from deep within his
circuitry.
"I guess we knows the answer to dat question".
"Ya", said Arnold, finally clearing the digital dirt from his
throat unit. "Zo you two think you're zo smart -- vell maybe you
130 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
are, but now Arnold do vhat Arnold do best -- use brute force und
ignorance! Zat hass neffer failed me. Any last words before
Arnold terminates you?"
"Yeah doc, LOOK BEHIND YOU!"
"Ha Ha, feeble hippety hop type, you cannot pull zat gag on old
Arn-- hey vy are you both ducking?"
He soon found out as a cigar shape object going at supersonic speed
knocked him over.
"YAHOO!" yelled Sam as he and the fist-rocket continued speeding
down the corridor.
"Boy, dat was fortunate, Worf", said Bugs. "How long ya think
he'll be out?"
"I don't know", replied Worf. "What do you think we should do?"
"I tink maybe we had better find de udder toons and see if we can
get dis storyboard to a close myself."
With that, they turned and walked down the corridor.
A few moments later, Arnold slowly got up and steadied his metallic
form. Then, pulling a small device marked WABBIT DETECTOR from
his knapsack (which had fallen to the floor before Bugs had
incinerated his outer form), he turned it on and looked into the
LED display. It blinked on and off for a few moments, then
something flashed on the screen HIM GO THATAWAY --->
Following its digitized advice, Arnold went in the direction
indicated. This was now more than an assignment to him -- it was
an obsession to even the score.
* * * * *
Chapter 6 131
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Intentionally Left Blank
132 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
