U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CHAPTER 5
When the Gremlin had first found himself transported into the
interior of the Borg ship, he had hardly known what to do with
himself. Never, in all his years, had he encountered so much
machinery just waiting to be rearranged! He hardly knew where to
begin ... so he finally decided to just begin right where he had
found himself standing, and then work his way up, then down, and
then sideways, until some better idea came along.
He had been gleefully ripping apart wires and connections for a
short while when he heard someone approaching from behind. He
turned, and found himself looking at a cyborg -- he had only
recently learned that word, but oh, WHAT a wonderful concept it
implied! -- similar to the "Data" unit he had befriended, but not
so neatly constructed. Wow, the Gremlin thought, it's lunchtime!
The cyborg raised a hand toward the Gremlin. Oh, he wants to play,
the tiny creature thought, and leapt toward the machine-man.
The cyborg fired.
A bolt of plasma-like goo impacted with the Gremlin in mid-leap.
When the flash subsided, all that was left of the 'toon was a small
puddle of colored ink.
* * * * *
The Borg Overmind was pleased. The substance, it seemed, did, in
fact, work as promised. The Overmind continued the rearming of the
mobile units, while considering strategy.
Now that termination was the standing order, it was obvious that
the 'toon population on board the Borg ship would eventually be
annihilated. There was only so much harm they could do in the
meantime, and such harm could be easily corrected.
Likewise, previous encounters with the "Federation", together with
the information obtained from the mind of the Picard/Locutus unit,
proved that they were also no threat to the Borg plans of conquest.
Again, it was only a matter of time. And time was something the
Borg had plenty of.
A sudden realization broke the Overmind's peace. The Elmer/Wucutus
unit had noticed, on its last boarding of the Federation ship,
several beings it had recognized ... beings it referred to as
"animators". These beings, according to the information drawn from
that unit, had the power to literally "re-draw" any 'toons that the
Borg destroyed. As long as they existed, the 'toon population
could be considered effectively infinite.
Action had to be taken.
* * * * *
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In the conference room of the Enterprise, as Riker and the current
"command crew" attempted to keep track of the proceedings, five
Borg units suddenly materialized. Before anyone could take action,
each had grabbed one of the animators and dematerialized again,
taking the hostages with them. When they were gone, only the
normal Bridge crew, Bugs, and Chuck Jones remained.
Looking around, Chuck asked, "Why did everybody get captured except
me?"
"Well, doc," Bugs responded, "the only Borg that saw who we had up
here was Elmer -- and nobody's ever accused him of bein' the most
obsoivant 'toon around..."
"In any event," Riker added, "it look's like we're in even more
serious trouble now than we were before... "
* * * * *
The toons who had just had an encounter with the Picard/Locutus
unit now stopped, panting from exhaustion - for even as toons, they
were susceptable to physical strain.
"Man", said Buster, "that certainly was a close call we had there
with that creature ... plenty scary if you ask me. Hey, Wes,
what's wrong?"
"Nothing", said Wesley a little defensively. "Just a little
psyched, a little nervous - nothing that I can't handle". But it
was hard for him not to think of what had just transpired with the
Picard entity without getting emotional - he was SO CLOSE to making
some sort of headway, and then Shirley had to butt in ... but he
really couldn't blame her, as she didn't know the identity of the
man behind the cold metal attachments.
"Hey, we understand, Wes - we really do..." Babs said
reassuringly. "If you need to cry, go ahead, we ...YIPES!"
The toons looked where she was pointing - it was another Borg!
"Oh, like this is a total bummer, y'know", Shirley spat out. "We
can't keep on running through these tunnels - we're bound to keep
running into these zods! Can't we, like, get somewhere else - real
quick?"
Something within Buster's mind popped - "I got it!"
Wes looked at Buster. "You have an idea to get us out of here?"
"Well no, but it will buy us some time - all I need to do is find
this thing I usually keep in my pocket in case of emergencies..."
"Why of course, A PORTABLE HOLE!" squealed Babs. "That way, we'd
be able to double our chances of finding places to hide until we
88 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
can figure out how to neutralize the enemy - what's wrong Buster?"
Buster now had a small mountain of different things that he had
drawn from his volumnous pockets. "I don't know - I SWORE I put it
in my pocket before we left home..."
The Borg had by now spotted his quarry and was fast approaching.
"HURRY BUSTER! HURRY!" yelled Babs and Shirley in unison.
Suddenly a pained look came over the blue rabbit's face - "wouldn't
ya know it - I left it in my OTHER shirt pocket".
"Isn't it like all men", Babs hissed. "You always forget the most
important life-or-death item when you need it the most on a trip -
HERE, USE MINE!"
She quickly whipped open her purse and pulled out a small object,
folded over several times. She now deftly unfolded it and applied
it to the wall.
"Hurry, everybody - that means you too, MR. prepared", she shot a
withering glance at Buster, "train now leaving for parts unknown --
and COOK-amunga!"
The toons quickly scampered into the hole, first Babs and Shirley,
then Wesley, then Calamity, followed by Wile E., and finally a
rather small-feeling Buster.
The Borg had now come up to the hole and was about to look inside -
when suddenly a white-gloved hand reached from inside the hole,
grabbed a corner of the material and pulled it in after it --
leaving the wall intact as before.
Puzzled, the Borg stopped to think about what had just happened --
was irrelevant? Why did it not make sense?
Suddenly a new sound from behind it caught its attention - it
whirled around to find...
"Oh hello there, you big cuddly Borgy Worgy - Want to come over to
my house and stay with me forever and ever where I can cuddle you
and hug you and love you to pieces and..."
The Borg responded by firing a volley of dip at the reconstituted
Elmyra. However, just because she was dumb didn't mean she wasn't
agile, and easily ducked the corrosive goo.
"Oh, no, not this time - I'm not gonna let my guard down again, you
bad ol' Borgy Worgy!"
With that, she gave a flying leap and tackled the Borg's metal
legs, causing it to fall to the ground with a huge crash. She then
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picked it up and bent it over her knee.
"Picking on little girls, huh -- well, Mommy's gonna have to
reprimandy-wandy you!" Elmyra shouted, raining blows upon the
Borg's keister so hard that nuts, bolts, and sheets of metal were
flying everywhere...
* * * * *
"I don't see how you can be so calm about all this!" Riker shouted
at Chuck. "We just had a phalanx of the toughest enemy the
Federation has ever faced just barge onto the ship and take away
your fellow animators - and you just sit their and scribble!"
Chuck put down his pad and faced the young officer. "My boy," he
said, everything will work out. Nothing is going to happen to my
friends -- they can well take care of themselves. And I'm sure
that on the Borg ship, they'll be in a better position to help the
toons conquer the enemy."
"But HOW? What if the Borg try to assimulate them? Try to get
them onto their side? I tell you, Chuck, they are in serious
danger just by being on that ship!"
Chuck laughed. "The truth is, by being on that ship they're going
to be more of a danger to the Borg rather than OF them"...
And what of the animators?
Well, at this point they were sitting in a holding cell aboard the
Borg ship, awaiting what possible fate that the cyborg race had for
them.
And even though they had been treated quite roughly by the Borg --
having had all and any sort of drawing materials taken from them in
a search upon their person, and having been thoroughly tested for
their possibility of being assimulated - they were all in pretty
high spirits.
* * * * *
Meanwhile...
Yosemite Sam was lurking behind a corner on the Borg ship, waiting
for his chance.
"Durn Borg -- haven't had any luck in drawin' a bead on them ever
since I got on this ship! Not that I haven't tried -- maybe if I
..."
Suddenly a rumbling sound -- familiar to him -- made its appearance
from the end of the hall.
"YAHOO! Here comes another one - maybe I'll have better luck with
this one."
90 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
So saying, he stepped from behind the corner and faced the Borg,
both his pistols drawn.
"Yer in big trouble, ya limpin' can of sody pop! Yer about to
taste lead served up by Yosemite Sam, the ruffinest, tuffinest,
he-man stuffinest outlaw west of the Alpha Centauri -- and i ain't
no mamby-pamby!"
He waited as the Borg came barreling down the hall at full speed,
coming to him closer, closer, ever so closer, close enough to see
the transistors in its ocular units...
The next thing Sam knew, he was now two-dimensional on the floor,
flattened by the Borg who was in so much of a hurry to respond to
an emergency another part of the ship that it had completely
ignored the midget cowpoke.
"OOOOOOOOH!" yelled Sam as he scraped himself off the floor with a
spatula. "That's the twentieth time that's happened today! Thar's
gotta be a better way to accomplish this!"
Suddenly an idea occured to him : he had noticed while in the
horizontal, directly above him, a metal beam. Why, of course!
Sam quickly ran to the side and, throwing a lariat around the beam,
began his climb, chuckling to himself as he thought of the fine
ambush he would soon launch...
I think Riker's missing something here. The only way the Borg
could ever get the animators to cooperate with them would be to
assimilate them. And, in so doing, the Borg would destroy the very
creativity which allows the animators to do what they do so well.
Let's hope the Borg Overmind is also slow to catch on to this.
After all, the only other option the Borg seem to understand is
termination!
Babs surveyed their new surroundings with some satisfaction.
"Well, I still don't know where we are," she commented as she
stored the portable hole back in her purse, then stored the purse
itself in whatever extra-dimensional storage space it was the
'toons used for items that were not immediately useful, "but at
least it's a change of scenery!"
"We're back on board the Enterprise!" Wesley shouted. He paused
for a moment, then suddenly looked at Wile E., a huge grin on his
face. The coyote had apparently reached the same conclusion, for
he held up a sign reading "To the Shuttlebay!" and took off down
the corridor. Wes raced after him, and the others, not having any
better ideas, followed.
And in the shuttlebay, Barclay, having gotten over the shock of
having his whole body erased and redrawn in a completely new
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configuration, was examining the strange device that stood before
him.
(It should be noted that, while most people would be permanently
put back by such a change, Barclay, who lives most of his life on
the holodeck anyway, simply viewed it as yet another fantasy, to be
dealt with accordingly.)
Unfortunately, Barclay was not only something less than a super
genius, but he had grown up on a planet on which slingshots were
unknown. He thus hadn't the slightest clue precisely what the
strange mechanism was.
And thus it was that, when Wile E. and Wesley burst into the
shuttlebay from the corridor, they found Barclay calmly sitting in
the "seat" of the device, obliviously reaching for the trigger that
would send him flying through space toward the Borg ship....
On the small Phoenix-class starship that hung in space just to port
of the Enterprise, Commander Shelby had a number of problems of her
own.
Some of them were the personality problems anyone who knew her had
to deal with. But others were of outside origin.
First, she had had to suffer the humiliation of having that idiot,
Riker, summarily discard her carefully-thought-out plan of attack.
Then she had gotten caught in the transporter beam when the idiot
Pakleds had decided to take the android, Lore, onto their ship for
repairs. They had finally given her this ancient trashheap they
had bought off the Federation, cheap, in which to return. She had
done so, only to have her repeated hails ignored. How the h*ll was
she supposed to fight the Borg menace when the Enterprise wouldn't
even let her back on board? Idiots! Every one of them are idiots!
she thought.
And this newest humiliation was the last straw. A doorway had
suddenly appeared in the side of her ship, out of which had stepped
a small dog wearing glasses, a 'toon kid, a tall, stupid-looking
moose, and a squirrel in an old-fashioned aviator's helmet. The
dog was currently working on the machinery inside the room the
doorway opened to, whining to the boy about malfunctions in the
"WayBack Machine". The moose and the squirrel were exchanging
awful puns and trying their hardest to be friendly to her.
She leaned her head on the control panel and sighed. What had she
ever done to deserve this?
* * * * *
"H-h-h-hamton?"
"Yes, Porky?"
92 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"W-w-w-weren't we supposed to be leading the d-d-d-defense forces
on the En-en- en -- on board the friendly ship?"
"Yes, last I checked."
"So why did we get transported over here to the B-b-b-borg ship?"
"The cartoon goddess said the only 'toon left on the Enterprise was
Bugs."
"The w-w-w-who?"
"Skip it."
* * * * *
"Guys - tonight we make the breakout".
Tex was deep in thought, very deep. It had been about an hour
since Marvin Martian -- very apologetically, of course -- had told
them that they had all passed the tests done on them, and they were
due to be assimulated first thing in the morning.
Tedd shuffled uneasily in his bunk. "Yes, I agree we have got to
get out of here -- but HOW? We've got nothing here to pry these
bars on the cell apart, and even if we did, there are sensors
attached to them that will detect even the slightest vibration on
them!"
"Well, then, there's only one way we can - we'll have to go
through thatwall". Tex pointed to a wall on one side of their cell.
"It seems, judging by how the place is laid out, that it will
allows us to get somewhere other than the holding area."
"Really", Mike said. "Well, how are we supposed to do that? We
have no tools, and we certainly can't storyboard our way out of
here, what with our pens and brushes gone".
Suddenly Friz started. "I think I have an idea - quick, everybody
give me your shoes!"
"HUH?" his companions shot back in amazement.
"Hey, I'll explain as we go along - just hand them to me".
So saying, the animators handed him their shoes.
Friz took a small piece of metal that he had found on the floor of
the cell and began scraping the surface of the shoes. In a few
moments he now had a fine pile of dust on the floor. He picked up
the dust in his hands, and then placed it in a small saucer. Then
he added water to it from the small sink on one side of the cell,
just enough to make a fine paste.
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"There -- the polish from our shoes has now given us the ink we
need -- now we need a drawing implement".
So saying, he took a shoelace and, dipping the hard tip into the
paste, he took it and scribbled something on the floor.
"See, we now have the medium for our escape".
"But, where did you get this idea?" blurted Mike.
"An old rerun of MacGyver", confessed Friz. "Now let's hurry
before the paste dries".
Now Friz, Tex, and Clampett each took a shoelace tip and, dipping
it in the "ink", began to scribble on the wall they had chosen for
their escape route. In a few moments, they stood back and surveyed
their handywork.
"Well, Bob, what do you think?", queried Friz.
Clampett surveyed what they had done. "Well, it certainly won't
pass the entrance exam for Julliard -- but it does score points for
function".
"Good, now let's get going".
With that, Friz turned the knob on the door they had just drawn.
It was jammed.
"Oh, silly me", he blushed. "Forgot to draw the key".
He quickly drew a key on the wall, plucked it from the surface, and
inserted it in the knob. It turned effortlessly.
With that, the animators passed through the open door and out of
the cell...
Meanwhile, a strange sound -- one unlike any ever heard before on
the Borg ship -- began to emanate from the end of the hallway where
Yosemite Sam was waiting in ambush on the beam.
"Tarnation!" Sam muttered quietly. "Now what's makin' all that
racket down there?"
He put down the piece of wood he had been whittling in order to
pass time while waiting for his quarry, and turned around in the
direction of the noise.
"GRRRREAT HORNY TOADS!" he yelled. "It's some kind of mechanical
bronc!"
And so it seemed to be -- at least different from anything that had
run over Sam previous. Oh it was Borg in nature all right -- the
94 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
armour was definitely so -- but it was arranged like some
mechanical beast, its four "legs" moving it at a fair pace down the
hall, its "head" moving side to side, as if it were looking for its
prey. It looked somewhat insect, too, with the twin laser-
appendages that normally would be found on the arms of the average
Borg festooning its head like antennae. It indeed looked like it
would have come from some George Lucas space epic - with the
exception of the running shoes on its metal "Feet".
Sam now quietly took his lariat and swung it back and forth, back
and forth in front of him -- he wanted to make sure he caught this
critter and hog-tie it.
The creature was now approaching the beam. Sam swung his lariat
and deftly made contact around the neck of the thing, then dropped
on its back.
"YAHOO!" He yelled. "I GOT ONE!"
* * * * *
"Did you hear that noise, thpace cadet?" asked Daffy.
"I sure did, fearless leader -- it sounds like we got company -- or
we've acquired a Borg hood ornament".
Daffy surveyed the area from inside the cockpit of the craft that
he and Plucky had spent the last hour putting together inside the
Borg storeroom that was now circumnavigating the hallways of the
great ship. So far, all had been quiet on the journey -- they
hadn't seen any Borg so far, and now,,,,
From behind him Plucky was breathing a little heavy. No, not out
of fear, just out of exertion -- for he was pedalling as as fast as
he could to run the great generator attached to the bicycle they
had found in the storage room so they would have the poer they
required for their creation. Unfortunately, there had been no
batteries in the storeroom to power the motors, so they had to
jerryrig this.
From above them, there were some more sounds, as if someone wwas
pounding on the craft with spurred boots.
"I don't like the sound of that, Capn'", said Plucky. "It sounds
like whatever it is, it wants us real bad -- what are we gonna
do?."
Daffy thought for a moment, then happened to glance right in front
of him- then an idea struck.
Reeling from the pain, he struck the idea with a mallet, which then
countered with a right to the solar plexus. Daffy followed through
with a left to the labonza, then deftly ducked the machine gun fire
that the idea shot his way. Throwing himself in a summersault
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behind the idea, he quickly rendered it harmless with a Vulcan
Nerve Pinch.
Through with his mental exercise, Daffy turned to Plucky. "More
power, thpace cadet", he yelled, beating a large drum with a mallet
and cracking a whip over him. "We'll try to shake him off".
Plucky obliged, straining his muscles to the limit. Anything for
his hero, he thought, and besides, my five minute break is coming
up soon...
* * * * *
"YAHOO!" Sam yelled as he rode the by now bucking and pitching
machine down the hallway of the ship. "I haven't had this much fun
since my last bull ride at Gilley's! Boy, this critter's takin a
long time to tire out, but I got a good toe hold in 'em! YAHOO!"
he yelled, again, firing his six-gun into the air.
Suddenly something loomed up ahead : something that Sam recognized
as a great danger!
"WHOA HOSS! WHOAAAAAAAA! WHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOA! PRETTY PLEASE
WITH......."
His converation was cut off as Sam's body made contact with the
large metal beam that only had enough clearance for the cybernetic
steed underneath him for passage.
Slightly dazed, Sam turned to look at his catch, which was now
heading far away at a good clip. Tears welled up in his eyes.
"BAHHAHAHAHAHAH IT'S NOT FAIR! I HAD 'IM WHERE I WANTED 'IM!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH! I WANT.......OOF!"
Sam suddenly felt the wind being knocked out of him, at the same
time his feet leaving the ground. Wiping away his tears quickly,
he found himself being propelled down the hall at the business end
of a sleek rocket -- with one end resembling a huge fist!
Excited, he scurried to the upper part of the rocket, and straddled
it. He began to wave his hat in the air. "YAHOOOOOO!", he yelled,
forgetting his defeat of a few moments before. "AH FEELS JUST LIKE
-- SLIM PICKENS! YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
* * * * *
The small penguin wandered the decks of the giant ship, dejectedly
pondering his new predicament.
"What on earth's been going on with my career?" he thought.
"First I get canned from a class-act like 'Bloom County' and stuck
in that ridiculous 'Outland' thing, and now this! Whatever this is.
Berke and I have got to have have a long talk about...."
96 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
ER, UH, SORRY, THERE....WRONG PENGUIN!
* * * * *
The small penguin wandered the decks of the giant ship, dejectedly
pondering his new predicament. All he wanted was a little snow, a
bit of ice, and a supply of food. That was all he ever wanted. He
had found that wonderful frozen pond not long ago, but then it had
melted, and he'd been shooed away as had happened so often before.
There seemed to be nothing here now but metal wherever he looked.
Nothing at all to eat. And the temperature was far too warm for
comfort.
Suddenly, one of the machine-person things he'd seen before took an
interest in him. It approached, raising its arm in a gesture that
even a simple penguin could recognize as menacing.
But Chilly Willy saw no cause for alarm. He simply stared back at
the being, letting the full force of his desperate longing for the
simple necessities of life take its toll. The arm dropped again.
In a moment, the Borg unit was shuddering with tears as emotion it
had never before experienced filled its world.
Chilly Willy simply wandered on, continuing his hopeless search.
* * * * *
Note: Before I add my next episode (which, with the approval of the
Goddess, will nudge us to concluding this delightful tale).
Apparently, according to an episode of Tiny Toon Adventures, Tweety
is male. His Tiny Toons equivalent, Sweetie Bird, is female.
* * * * *
Commander Riker, still perplexed by all the events that surrounded
this mission, suprised himself by calmly listening to these three
Toon rabbits. In fact, although she was not even his species and,
at fourteen, was underage, Riker was finding Babs Bunny very
attractive. He had to remind himself that his middle name, despite
the rumors, was not "Testosterone", and forced himself back to
listening to the pink rabbit.
"There's your solution, Commander," Babs explained. "All the
pieces were in front of us, we just needed to put all the pieces
together. We can accomplish the impossible. We can separate
Captain Picard from his Borg components. And...", Babs grew
wistful for a moment, "I think it'll make him infinitely more
attractive, at least for a little while."
"I'd like to believe this, Babs," Riker said after some thought,
"but this is simply incredible. And possibly very dangerous to the
Captain as well."
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"Eh, seemed to do wonders for Wesley. I think he's got nuttin' to
worry about." Bugs sat back, smiling slightly as his proteges put
forth their case.
"But I still can't believe that it's possible..."
"Believe what?" said a nauseatingly-cute voice from the doorway.
Babs, Buster and even Bugs stared, uncertainly, at Elmyra. Then,
unknown to the humans in the room, a quiet, telepathic message
appeared in the minds of the Toons.
"Don't worry, guys," said Elmyra's inner "trouper" personality.
"My surface personality has just busted up thirty Borg bio-mech
units, so her need for destruction is sated for the moment."
The Toons relaxed. Buster breathed a sigh of relief, and said,
"There's your proof, Riker. Elmyra got rid of her Borg parts.
They were mere matter. She's a Toon. She just stood in the way of
Pepe Le Pew's death cloud, and she reconstitued."
"And it's the only way anybody's been cured of being a Borg, doc."
Bugs leaned against a bulkhead, and quite unlike his normal mode of
behavior, he scratched himself with his hind foot. "To get Captain
Picard back, he's gotta become a Toon."
* * * * *
Still aboard the Borg ship, Deanna Troi began sneezing. This ship
was cold and damp, hostile to her empathic senses, and pretty
depressing all-around. She was tired of running, and exhausted
from the fear and concern of all the minds she could contact.
And then the voice came from behind her, the voice that had set her
running for the last few hours.
"Ah, zere you are, my empathic Boullibase!"
Deanna tensed herself up, and then shrugged. Her nose had blocked
up, and she couldn't smell anything. Besides, she was too
exhausted to run.
"Oh, all right ... just, please, be gentle ..."
Pepe's eyebrows shot up. "Madamoiselle!" he sputtered. "Do you
honeztly beleve zat I would do something as grotesque as human
zexual behavior? Zurely you have noteeced zhat, like all Toons, I
have no genitalia!"
Deanna hadn't noticed that, not that it made any difference...
"I am no mere pants-er, but le great romancer!" Pepe said, and
began running a string of kisses from her shoulderbone up to her
neck.
98 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
A slight, sly smile broke out on Deanna's face. If this is all
this Toon wanted, she could tolerate that -- although she knew
that, before her cold cured up and she had to confront people
again, she'd have to program her shower for tomato juice to get rid
of the smell...
* * * * *
"IMBECILES!"
Monty and Marvin were shuddering. The Supreme Borg was not at all
happy.
"Everyone on this ship is an imbecile!" siad the fiend, still,
hidden behind the darkness that enveloped his form. Behind him,
the screens showed the statistics so far of the battle between the
Borg shock troops, and they were not good.
"Look at all this : 55 Borg units rendered completely
unoperational, the animators have escaped from their cell and,
worst of all, one of the recent inductees has reverted back to her
original disgusting organic form! I tell you, my boss is not at
all pleased with what has been going on -- and when he's not
pleased..."
"Wait! You have a boss?" asked Monty. "You didn't tell us
that!"
"Well, you didn't ask - did you?"
Monty remained silent.
"As you can tell, we must do something to bring the tide of battle
back to our side", said the Supreme Borg. "The problem is, the
toons have proven to be less of a pushover than we thought, and
even the humans, especially those they call animators -- have
proven their mettle against us in even a small way - and that is
unacceptable to the Borg way!"
"I have a suggestion", said Marvin.
"Go ahead, you have the floor - but it had better be good!"
"Well, your supreme Borgness," Marvin continued, "it seems that
much of the success of the invasion force has come from their
leader".
"You mean the bearded one in the red tunic?" asked the SB.
"No, even though Commander Riker, annoying as he is, has shown
flashes of brilliance during the campaign, the stamina and courage
of these troops have come from the main toon : none other than
BUGS BUNNY. I propose that by eliminating him, we can easily
undermine any resistance put forth against us."
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"No, I have an even better idea", said the Supreme Borg. "If we
could only bring the rabbit here, alive, and then execute him in
front of all the toons assembled on the Borg ship -- it will truly
undermine any hope of their attempting any more resistance. And if
their hope is crushed, the people of the Enterprises' hopes will be
dashed as well. Then we will taste real victory! But there is one
problem."
"What's that?" asked Marvin.
"You know well enough the problem", continued SB, but if you've
forgotten, let me refresh your memory..."
The SB pointed to the screen behind him. On it flickered the
events that had happened when Wocutus - i.e. Elmer - had tried to
apprehend Bugs earlier in the adventure. "As you can see", said
the SB, "the rabbit is a very cunning adversary, and was able to
defeat one of our somewhat more inferior units. I fear, gentlemen,
that even our more advanced Borg units will be little better..."
"Then I've got just the solution", interrupted Monty.
"So you do, eh?" sneered SB. "And what solution do you have that
won't fail like the other things you've developed?"
"Well, watch this!" shot back Monty. "Meet - Borg unit, version
2.17!"
He pulled back a curtain at the back of the room.
K-9000. who had been attentive at Marvin's side during their
entire stay in the room, quickly leapt into the arms of his master
and whimpered. Marvin himself took a big gulp of air. Even the
SB, with his normally strong stomach, was taken aback by the thing
before them.
There stood a tall, white pit-bull terrier, a wraparound visor
covering his eyes. Black leather covered his body, which was
literally dripping with muscle - tone. In his hand was the most
sophisticated ray gun that the observers had ever seen.
"My idea for the next version of the Borg was to have one that,
rather than have a creature that struck fear into the hearts of its
intended victims by its mechanical appearance, would be able to do
its dirty work as someone who would look as one of the crowd",
explained Monty. "Arnold, here" -- Arnold gave a big grin at the
sound of his name -- "my long time bodyguard on earth, volunteered
as the subject for my idea. All the neccessary Borg parts have
been placed inside his body, rather than been made as implants
outside it, this allows him freedom of movement. As well, his
raygun is much more sophisticated than any other in our arsenal.
Observe".
100 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Monty clicked his fingers. Immediately, two Borg battle units
rushed into the room, laser and dip appendages ready to spit death
upon Arnold.
Arnold raised his pistol and fired. One Borg was immediately
vaporized. He then went to the other, picked it up, and airplane
spun it over his head with one finger, he then flicked it to one
side, where it shattered to a thousand pieces on the floor.
"See, even our own Borg units are no match for Arnold. Neither
will that rabbit!"
"I must say I'm impressed, Max," said the SB. "I suggest we send
the new unit to deal with our little friend right away -- and I
would send two units along with him as backup".
Max sidled up to Arnold. "Here. Take a look at this, Arnold", he
chortled as he held up a picture of Bugs to his face. "Go out to
the Enterprise and bring back this rabbit! Do what you need to,
even if you have to annihilate everyone on the ship, but bring him
back alive!"
Arnold studied the picture for a few seconds. His hair bristled,
his body tensed, and his mouth went into a sneer that showed off
many metal teeth.
"Ya, don't worry -- ven I get a hold of dot puny bunny rabbit, I
pump him up und spit him out real good, ya?"
* * * * *
"Well, what are we gonna do, Bugs?"
Buster posed the question to Bugs as they walked down the hall
outside the main deck. Bugs had taken a little time out from his
duties to treat his little protege and Babs to some carrot ice
cream from the replicator in the mess.
"Well," said Bugs, artfully finishing off the last of his cone, "it
looks like da next part of the plan is gonna have ta be gettin'
Picard offa da ship in toon form , and I'll tell ya, it's
definitely not going to be easy. I only wish dat dey hadn't
captured Friz, Tex, Bob, Mike and Tedd -- it would've made things
so much easier. Hopefully," he looked at the Borg ship through a
viewscreen inside the hall, "our other toons have weakened the Borg
enough so dat we can go in and get dem out".
Suddenly, Bugs stopped. "I feel something", he said.
"What is it, Bugs?", asked Babs.
"I don't know, - but it seems like a premonition of trouble."
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Just then Arnold materialized in front of them. Along with him
were two Borg, one of them very familiar to all the rabbits.
"Why, Elmer, glad to see ya popped back in", exclaimed Bugs. "Er,
who are your two friends?"
"Wemember, Elmer is no more, you scwewy wabbit! I am Wocutus, one
and yet of many, and say hewwo to your worst nightmare,
eheheheheheh".
Bugs grasped the hand of Arnold in a try at friendship. "So, dis
is my worst nightmare? Hiya! I never thought dat dream of me
wearin' nothing but my longjohns, on my head, would ever resemble
this!"
Arnold growled.
"Well, I hate to go, but as you can see, I seem to have a previous
engagement, now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta get outta these wet
clothes and into a dry Martini - SCATTER!" he yelled.
He, Babs, and Buster immediately ran down the corridor to where it
branched off into three more halls, where each separated from each
other.
"AFTER ZEM!" barked Arnold. "Ve vill capture all threerabbits and
bring zem back to be made example uff by der boss!"
"Wight!" said Wocutus. He began to go in the direction that Bugs
had gone, only to be pulled back by Arnold.
"Not him, schmart guy! Zat iss mine assignment - pick annuder
vun!"
"All wight, the bwue one, I'll get him, eheheheheh! Oh Mr.
Wabbit", hailed Wocutus, as he headed in Buster's direction.
Arnold turned to the remaining Borg, a fully cybernetic one. "And
YOU, go affter ze female, und don't screw up!"
* * * * *
Guinan couldn't help but sigh as she turned to buff the counter in
front of her. It had been a long day -- first with the little
cowboy shooting up the bar, then the skunk showing up and stinking
out the entire room, then the episode with the gremlin, and finally
with the dog who had come sailing in and tried a tired pitch to try
to get her to adopt him and give him a cushy life -- but now things
seemed to be finally coming to normal. Geordie had gotten a few of
the Engineering men to come up and undo the damage that had been
done, and the smell was finally beginning to disappate from 10-F.
Hopefully, she thought to herself, this whole episode regarding the
Borg will end soon, and hopefully I won't see another toon in here.
102 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
But she thought too soon.
A little pink female rabbit came soaring into the room. "Pardon
me," she panted, "but can one find some refuge..."
"OUT!" yelled Guinan. Not only was this another toon to deal
with, but she was obviously underage. "Out before I..."
She stopped. Coming into the room was an entity too familiar to
her, an entity that had helped to destroy her people's home planet,
a Borg.
Guinan quickly ducked behind the counter and used her communicator.
"Get me security, "she whispered into the unit. "There's a Borg in
10-F".
Meanwhile, the patrons of the bar couldn't help but notice that the
alien threat was now in front of them, and were too petrified to
move out of the room.
"Resistance is futile", said the Borg. "You will all eventually be
assimulated. But not now, I want the toon rabbit, where is she?"
Just then the curtains parted in the stage in the middle of the
bar, revealing Babs, whose appearnace had changed radically : she
was now wearing a long curly blonde wig, with a tight dress that
showed off the ample curves that had suddenly appeared on her body.
She held a microphone in her hand.
"Hiya folks, this is Babs Bunny, impressionist extrordinaire!" she
said. "For my first impression, I'd like to do Joan Rivers!"
The Borg turned and stared at her.
"Oh, can we talk?", Babs started, trying to keep cool. "Look at
that lump of metal over there" -- and promptly stuck her finger
down her throat.
The Borg was inching closer to her. Good, thought Babs -- he's
close enough -- now let's try this one that I've been practicing
the last week or so -- and you better get it right, girl, or you're
hassenpfefer!
"Thank you, thank you", she said to scattered applause. "Now, I'd
like to do a musical number for you by one of my favorite new
artists - and probably one of your favorite old ones by now -
Mariah Carey!"
Music began to swell in the background.
"I HAD A VISION OF LOVE", she began - and then hit a harmonic.
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
As she held the high note, people at the tables round the stage
began to hold their ears, trying to keep the painful sound of the
note from drilling into their brain. The glasses behind the
counter, which Guinan had spent the last hour or so polishing,
shattered from the force of the harmonic.
As for the Borg, it couldn't move, the note was interfering with
its inner circuits. Smoke began to pour out of its joints. And
then, unable to keep its balance, it fell forward -- never to
threaten anyone anymore as it burst into flames.
The entire room, including Guinan, gave Babs a standing ovation.
.CE * * * * *
Back on the bridge, with the 'toons temporarily out of the way and
the only borg they knew to be onboard the ship permanently taken
out, Riker finally had a chance to notice the message that had been
coming in on the main hailing frequency for the last half hour or
so.
"Please, Enterprise," Shelby's weakened voice sounded, "I'll do
anything you want -- just let me back on board!" The weary
resignation in her voice was unmistakable. "Riker -- COMMANDER
Riker -- I apologize, really I do. You're a great leader.
Unequalled! Please, let me back on the Enterprise! I've got to
get away from these lunatic 'toons!"
Riker smiled in satisfaction. At least SOMETHING was going right!
Data looked up at him from his navigation console in some
confusion. "Commander," he asked, "do you wish to give her
permission to board? "Riker thought about it for a moment.
"Well," he finally answered, "I suppose it sounds as though she's
had enough. Open the frequency."
"Commander Shelby!" he responded in his best authoritative voice,
"where in h*ll have you been and what took you so long to return?
You, of all people, should realize the severity of the current
situation! The last thing we need is for key officers to be
disappearing without warning on private, unauthorized excursions!"
"But, Commander...," Shelby began.
"I'll take it up with you in private," he said immediately, cutting
her off. "Get back on board this ship immediately!" He signalled
Data to cut the transmission, then allowed himself to smile again.
Yes, he thought, at least something was going right...
* * * * *
Riker surveyed the faces gathered before him in the conference
room. The normal command crew was present, as was the newly-docile
Shelby. No 'toons, however, were in attendance. "I want this to
be brief and to the point," he began.
104 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"The immediate problems -- how to defeat the Borg and how to regain
Captain Picard -- are currently being dealt with in, I believe, the
most expedient manner possible. There is a greater question, tho,
which we have so far managed to avoid asking. Namely, just what
exactly has been going on for the last few hours?
"I'm as much a fan of the old earth cartoons as anyone, I suspect,
but I never expected to be working alongside Bugs Bunny, and I'm
not entirely sure I really like it. We have to find out what's
going on, and figure out a way to correct it."
"Is it possible that Q is behind it?" Beverly asked. "He was,
after all, responsible for our first run-in with the Borg, and the
whole situation certainly seems..."
"Excuse me, doctor," Worf began, "but I believe I can answer at
least one of Commander Riker's questions." He then proceeded, with
some evident embarrassment, to recount his own responsibility for
the recent insanity.
"Well, at least we know now how the 'toons got here," Riker said
when Worf had finished, "although I still don' t understand how it
is that they're not confined to the holodeck."
"It seems there's a lot more to it than that," Geordie responded.
"The holodeck actually shut itself down only a few minutes after
Worf and Bugs first left it. But --- well, let me start at the
beginning.
"Do you remember about a year ago when Data inadvertantly
instructed the holodeck, while playing at being Sherlock Holmes, to
create an opponent capable of defeating him, and the computer
responded by creating a Moriarty who actually nearly managed to
take over the ship from within the holodeck?"
The others nodded their assent.
"Well, something similar seems to have happened now. Data and I
have been tracking some odd energy patterns which seem to indicate
a localized space/time disturbance of some sort."
"Why wasn't this brought to my attention earlier?" Riker demanded.
"Neither Geordie nor I realized its significance until hearing
Worf's story, Commander," Data replied.
"Besides, as chaotic as things have been around here," Geordie
added, "We haven't really had much of a chance. I couldn't begin
to give you all the details even now, but it seems that somehow,
the original parameters Worf supplied to the computer resulted in
some sort of malfunction. Whether that malfunction caused the
space/time rift or was caused by it, I can't say, but somehow, what
I suppose you could call the 'toon's version of reality has been
Chapter 5 105
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
impinging upon our own reality, with the results you've seen.
"At this point, I wouldn't even be willing to bet that the Borg
we're fighting isn't, itself, a 'toon..."
"Wonderful," Riker sighed. "Find out all that you can about what's
happened. Our first priority, after the rescue of Captain Picard
and the destruction of that Borg ship, is to restore some sort of
order to this ship..."
* * * * *
Meanwhile...
At the end of the corridor, Buster stopped running. It had been a
good few minutes when he had left Babs and Bugs at the crossroads
in the halls, and he was exhausted. But he couldn't rest, not with
Wocutus on his tail. Buster didn't know what was worse, having a
Borg on his tail, or his orneriest teacher back at Acme U.
And it wasn't long before Wocutus showed up.
"Aha, now I have you : wesistance is futile", monotoned Wocutus.
"You might as well pwepare to meet your fate, wabbit, there is no
way out this time!"
"All right," sighed Buster, "But doesn't a condemned man get a last
request for a meal?"
Wocutus thought for a moment, "All wight, one wast meal. But
wemember, no twicks!"
"Good," said Buster. He reached in his pocket and pulled out
something oval and green from his pocket. "I've been saving this
pineapple for some time in case something like this happens". He
began to tug at the object's outer covering, grunting and groaning
all the while.
"I am beginning to gwow impatient, wabbit!" Wocutus intoned
ominously. "What seems to be the twouble?"
"I - I - I always had (GRUNT) trouble (WOOF) trying to peel one of
these (Moan) things", admitted Buster.
"Here, give me that", yelled Wocutus, snatching the object from
Buster. "Wet a weal pwo do this."
He held the object and began to try to peel it. Suddenly he
started.
"Hey, wait a minute - this is no pineapple - it wooks more wike a
hand gwen...."
106 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
BOOM!
Buster couldn't help but laughing at the explosion. "Ha! What a
maroon! He fell for one of the oldest tricks in the --- ULP!"
As the smoke cleared, there stood Wocutus - with not a scratch on
him.
"Ha-ha! The joke's on you wabbit! When Bugs pulled that expwosion
twick on me wast time, the Borg weconstwucted me in a way that made
me impervious to any bombs! I guess I have the wast waugh,
eheheheheh!"
Buster began to circle Wocutus, looking all over him and poking his
metal plating in a few places, at one point pulling out a tape
measure and measuring his entire body.
"Yeah, they did a good job there, Wocutus", he finally said. "You
really are impervious to any bombs or explosives -- but you're
still susceptable to things like falling anvils".
"Oh, yeah? And why would I be concerned with such a pwobwem as
that?"
Buster pointed upward.
Wocutus looked up -- and gulped -- a split second before the
two-ton object marked ACME ANVIL - BORG SPECIAL - came crashing
down on him, compressing his body like an accordion.
Wocutus crawled out from under the anvil and pointed his finger at
Buster.
"I - I - I hate you"
"Uh, uh, Wocutus", Buster remonstrated. "Remember, hate is
irrelevant".
"Just wemember, wabbit, you haven't heard the wast of us!", said
Wocutus. With that, he teleported himself back to the Borg ship
for repairs.
Buster looked up at the ceiling again. "Strange," he said as he
crunched on a carrot to replenish his energy, "why they would put a
replicator on the ceiling?"
* * * * *
Back in the shuttlebay, Wesley and the two coyotes -- Wile E. and
Calamity -- were growing rather impatient. They had managed to
stop Barclay from launching himself at the Borg ship, and now,
Wesley having at last obtained a suitable small asteroid, they were
waiting only for word that Picard and the other 'toons were off of
the cubic construct.
Chapter 5 107
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
They had been over all the facts numerous times, and were all
convinced of the accuracy of their figuring. It was clear the the
Borg's biggest disadvantage all along had been the fact that while
they were able to adapt to any form of attack, making themselves
virtually immune to it, the first use of any given attack form was
likely to trash the unit that encountered it. The 'toons' biggest
advantage, conversely, had been the fact that no 'toon ever used
the same attack form twice.
Additionally, the Borg had proven surprisingly susceptible to
physical attacks of any sort. Since there was no reason to assume
that this would not hold as true on a large scale as it had on the
small, it seemed only reasonable that the first shot from the giant
slingshot would prove devastating.
They wouldn't get a second shot, that was certain. But with a
little luck and a lot of care, the first shot would be all they
needed. In fact, Wesley was nearly certain that if they aimed JUST
right, they could do enough damage to start a chain reaction that
would destroy the entire Borg ship.
Calamity had compared it to the destruction of something he'd
called the "Death Star", but Wesley hadn't caught the reference.
If only the others would hurry up and return to the Enterprise.
* * * * *
108 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
