U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CHAPTER 4
Several minutes later...
"That Borg certainly won't bother you anymore, Beanie boy!", said
Cecil, looking down at the mound of metal parts that previously
threatened his little friend. He now began to remove the bright
blue body stocking and red cape that had magically appeared on his
body when he had said those words previous.
Just then Beanie pointed, once again white with fear. "Cecil -
look!"
It was justified. An attack party of ten more Borg, roused by the
sound of their binary - bonded brother in its death throes, were
now coming down the hall, weapons at the ready.
"Cecil - you've got to stop them!" wailed Beanie.
"Gorsh, Beanie, I don't think I can", lamented Cecil. "I've never
ever been able to fight off more than one villain as Super Cecil -
how can I handle ten?"
He immediately turned on his communications device. "Hey, Bob,"
Cecil yelled, "we're under attack here! We need some help and we
need some fast!"
Clampett's voice came through loud and clear in reply : "Don't
sweat it, guys! I'm sending over some help right now!"
Within seconds, a small white rabbit carrying a toolkit
materialized in front of the duo. He immediately ran over to the
pile of scrap from the vanquished Borg and began attacking it with
his tools. As he did, a strange classical theme filled the air,
along with the sound of a choral arrangement, which merged with the
sound of the metal being molded into shape:
"Clang-clang-clang-clang, HURRY HURRY HERCULES!
"Clang-clang-clang-clang, HURRY HURRY HERCULES!
"Clang-clang-clang-clang, HURRY HURRY HERCULES!
MUS-CLE POWER - MUS-CLE POW-WERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
There, where was once a pile of slag, was now a sleek, powerful
rocket, with what looked like a fist on the top of it. It
immediately fired up and took off directly in the path of the
approaching Borg!
"Meatball in the side pocket!" yelled Cecil...
* * * * *
Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise...
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Now, H-h-hampton", said Porky, "are you r-r-r-ready to do battle
should any B-b-borg show up on the ship?"
"Certainly, sir", Hampton replied to his mentor and teacher. "I've
got everything we need right here in this satchel". He began to
take out and name everything that he had - " one Acme Borg
Basher, one Acme Atom Splitter, one phaser, one photon torpedo
launcher, a Hoover upright vacuum cleaner, one broom, one floor
polisher, one..."
"H-h-hold on", interrupted Porky. "W-w-w-what's with all the
cleaning utensils?"
"Well, if we do get into a battle with the Borg it will probably
create a terrible mess, sir."
"G-g-good. G-g-glad to see you thought of everything. Now
th-th-then", Porky continued, "do you remember what to do in case
w-w-w-we do come in contact with those loathsome creatures?"
"Sure do", said Hampton. He turned and ran down the hall, waving
his arms and yelling "Mayday - Mayday! The Borg Are Here! The
Borg Are Here!"
"Th-th-th-that's good, Hamton, but you don't have to be so
re-re-realistic in your approach - th-th-there aren't any Borg here
- nosiree, there a-a- aren't, there's no need to p-p-p ..."
Porky felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked around slowly. There,
behind him, was a Borg who had materialized scant seconds before.
"PANIC!" squealed Porky. He quickly made a beeline down the hall,
with the Borg in hot pursuit...
* * * * *
Porky ducked behind a corner, and laid himself flat against the
wall. Panting, he looked around the corner to see if the Borg was
still on his tail. Unfortunately, it was - and it was gaining on
him!
"G-g-g-golly," thought Porky, " if I d-d-don't do something soon,
I'll be sausage for sure! I need a mir-mir-mir-deux ex machina!"
Suddenly something on the other wall caught his eye - a small
indent in the wall covered with glass. On the glass covering were
the words -
"In case of Borg attack or appearance by Q, Break Glass"
"Well I'll b-b-be", he mused to himself. "I wonder what that is".
Curious, he took the hammer and smashed the cover, then looked
inside - and gave a long whistle. He then reached inside and took
66 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
out the object within.
The Borg had now pulled up beside him. "Resistance is futile -
subjugate yourself to us!"
Porky gave the Borg one of his cutesy grins. "H-h-h-happy
B-b-b-birthday, you thing from another world, you!"
He then handed the Borg the object from the case and ran like
anything down the corridor.
Normally its reaction would be to either continue to pursue its
subject until caught, or to vaporize it immediately. Yet there was
something about this object that piqued the Borg's interest. It
was made of brass, squat, and had a curious spout on one end, with
a removable lid. It was also somewhat tarnished - but underneath
the tarnish was some curious writing of archaic origin.
Excited as only a Borg can be excited by this obviously rare and
precious artifact from Earth, the Borg began to rub the object in
order to clean it and better read the lettering.
Suddenly there was a loud POP! and a billow of smoke. When the
cloud cleared, a new being appeared before the galvanized goon -
unlike any it had ever seen. A bearded humanoid, dressed in fine
silks and wearing a simple cloth headband with a rare and exquisite
jewel in its center. It looked like any other humanoid - with the
exception that where its lower torso was supposed to be, it instead
tapered off into a wisp of smoke that emanated from the spout of
the object.
"Oh, Sweet Ppirits Of Camphor!" stated the genie in a voice
reminiscent of Jim Backus, slapping his head for emphasis. He then
looked into the Borg's face with a countenance of pure anger.
"How dare you disturb me during my hours of leisure - I was
almost in reach of rescuing Princess Toadstool!"
The genie then raised his arms and gestured at the Borg. Lightning
bolts sprung from his fingertips and struck their quarry.
Where once stood one of the most fearsome fighting machines that
the Federation had ever faced was now a small wind up toy robot,
waving its arms and yelling in a mechanical voice, "Danger, Will
Robinson, DANGER!"
* * * * *
In another part of the ship...
Another Borg materialized on the upper deck. On its guard (for it
was informed by the collective of some strange goings-on regarding
other of its ilk who had shown up on the Enterprise), it began to
roam the corridors, searching for likely candidates for
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
assimilation.
So intent was its search that it was quite surprised to feel the
weight of something heavy land on its head-unit with crushing
impact. Dazed, it turned around to find...
Foghorn Leghorn standing there with a large mallet in his hand.
"Hey, boy, I say, boy, TAG, you're it!" he stated in an excited
drawl. He quickly turned and ran in the opposite direction.
The Borg accessed the situation. So this fowl-creature wished to
play a game, eh? Well, he'd get one all right.
It now began to chase him at full speed, readying its
laser-appendage to strike its target as soon as it got close enough
to its prey. It was getting closer, closer, closer, it's almost in
sight...
Suddenly, it felt a strange, sudden feel of force at its neck that
caused it to to topple backwards, bringing it crashing to the
ground with a large, metallic thud.
The Borg, dazed, looked at its neck (if that is what one could call
it), and soon discovered its problem - the chicken had, while it
was dazed from the hammer-blow, slipped what looked like a dog -
collar around its neck, and then tied the rope attached to it to a
door.
Foghorn reappeared behind it. "I say, old boy, enjoy, your trip?"
He chuckled. "I see that you came to the end of your rope, eh?
That's a joke son!"
"Humor - especially bad puns - are irrelevant", stated the Borg
stiffly. "But we will have the last laugh - as soon as I get up, I
will vaporize you, then we will go about our goal of assimilating
everyone on this ship or destroying them, then we shall return to
conquering the universe! And you of the feeble mind and puny ways,
you cannot stop us, for you are one and we are one of many, there
is no way you can defea...
"AHHHHHHHHH", Foghorn yelled at him, producing a jackhammer and
applying it to the Borg's cranium, "SHADDUP!" He then looked at
the readers of this piece, saying "Nice tractor, but his delivery
is a bit mechanical, don't you think?"
He chuckled at his own bon mot...
* * * * *
Back on board the Borg ship, in an out-of-the-way, unoccupied
corner of one of the massive cargo holds, a circular hole suddenly
appeared in the floor. Out of it popped a small, blue rabbit in a
red shirt. He was closely followed by a pink bunny with ribbons on
68 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
her ears.
"Hiya, Toonsters!" The first rabbit shouted gleefully. "I'm
Buster Bunny, and this is my cohort, Babs Bunny!"
Together, they said, "No relation."
Buster continued, apparently talking to no one in particular,
"Today on 'Tiny Toons', we've got ... uh ... wait a minute, Babs
... Something tells me we're not in Acme Acres anymore..."
"What was your first clue, Sherlock?" Babs replied. "The metal
grate decor or the clanging metal sound effects?"
"Okay, okay ... but the question is, where are we and how did we
get here?"
"Like, that's two questions, y'know," said an odd-looking duck
coming around a corner from behind a container of some sort.
"Shirl," Buster exclaimed, "you're here too?"
"Yup, and like, I'm picking up some really bad vibes, y'know. My
aura thinks there's been like a major psychic screwup in the fabric
of unreality or some junk..."
Buster spun around as he felt a tap on his shoulder. A small
coyote, reminiscent of the great Wile E., was holding up a sign
reading "It seems that we've gotten trapped in the real universe."
The other three screamed in unison, horrified, "WHAT?"
"He's right, you know," said a new character, a boy who none of
them recognized.
"Some sort of holodeck malfunction seems to have created a rift in
the space/time continuum, and our toon reality is now impinging on
the so-called real world. The effect seems to have gone far beyond
the holodeck itself, though, and you're caught as a result of it."
Author's Note: I had to come up with some sort of
pseudo-explanation of why Marvin showed up on the Borg ship
initially instead of on the holodeck!
Wile E. Coyote walked up from behind the newest arrival and
presented Buster with a card reading, "Wile E. Coyote, Super
Genius, and Wesley Crusher, Boy Genius, at your service."
Buster looked around at the motley group. "Well, he said, I don't
know what the heck is going on, but we've certainly got the cast
for it! Let's party, 'toon-style!"
* * * * *
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise...
The Borg woke up. Somehow it had survived the punishment inflicted
upon it by the rooster. Looking around with its sensitive ocular
unit, it detected no sign of the feathered fiend.
Sighing, the creature got up from the ground and surveyed the
amount of damage inflicted upon it - a few dents, a loose wire or
two, a bit of leaking oil. However, it was still capable of
moving, and the laser-appendage seemed intact. Good, it thought -
cause if I do find that rooster...
"Looking, I say, looking for me, boy?"
The Borg whirled around. Sure enough, it was his antagonist from a
few moments ago.
"I say, boy, you'd better, I say, you better be quick and try to
catch me - I've got my Nikes on!" sassed Foghorn.
That tore it, thought the entity. He certainly had guts, this
chicken - but now it was time for the chickens to come home to roo
... he caught himself, remembering what he had said previously
regarding bad humor and irrelevancy.
The Borg began to advance. Foghorn, noticing the movement of his
foe, broke into a run and went through a door at the end of a
corridor.
Bad choice, thought the metallic entity - his sensors indicated
that the room was a dead end. There was no escape for Foghorn.
Setting his laser on BROAST, the Borg entered the door...
to be confronted by a new being, canine in nature, with a brown and
white body. But that did not worry the Borg - what did worry it
was the fact that the dog was using all its might to hold a big
rubber band attached to the door jambs - to which was cradled in
the centre a large rock.
"Here's a present for ya", said the dog, at the same time letting
go of the band.
The Borg was now flying in the opposite direction down the hall at
500 miles an hour. He then turned his head to look - just in time
to see it enter the opening of a large pipe - or rather a series of
pipes joined together that grew progressively smaller, and which
ended at a small bottle placed at the end of the smallest pipe.
Foghorn picked up the bottle and looked inside at the now
unrecognizable remains of the Borg that was within it. "Hey,
dawg," he yelled to his companion, "good thing we kept that Ace
Novelty Co. Pipe Full 'o' Fun Kit #7 - say, think there might, I
70 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
say, there might be a market for bottled Borg?"
"Nah", said the dog. "Too gimmicky - and people would complain
about da metallic aftertaste".
"All right, then", said the rooster. He picked up the bottle and
threw it down the chute marked recycle...
* * * * *
The construction work had gone well. Extraordinarily well. It
seems that the large space in the humanoid Toon girl's brain
allowed the installation of a much larger power supply.
(See, I did remember the large space mentioned in "Weird World of
Elmyra." Besides, how much space does it take for a mind to exist
in?)
The large, bald Borg named Wocutus spoke - although multichannel
data transmission was not true "speech".
"Electro-Mywah, state your pwogwammed duty."
"I am to capture creatures with the designation 'cuddly-wuddly' and
transport them for conversion. Hee-hee."
The laughter was without humor, her voice without inflection. Just
the way the Borg wanted Electro-Myra to be.
"We have weceaved sensor weports that fowmer membews of the Tiny
Toons have weappeared suddenly in the weal world," Wocutus said.
"To incwease your opportunities of weversing wesistance to our
wule, you are to wefwain fwom engaging them diwectly.
Pwobabilities estimate that contact with Toon wabbits will wesult
in inefficient use of wesources. Is this understood,
Electro-Mywa?"
"Wes ... uh, Resonantly affirmative," Electro-Myra said, as she
turned and headed down the corridor, to sweep the ship of its cargo
of cuddly-wuddlies - i.e., non-Borg lifeforms.
And inside the Borg-modified skull, shrinking in a corner, the
dual-mind of the entity once called "Elmyra" shivered, hugged
it/themselves, and stared up at the looming biolectric power
receptor that dominated its/their space.
* * * * *
Daffy and Plucky forged on thru the corridors of the Borg ship,
though now more warily than before - since each had now no weapons
since their previous encounter with the Borg, they now had no way
to defend themselves should they run into more of the enemy.
Suddenly, they heard someone - or something - coming down the hall.
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"Quick, thpace cadet", whispered Daffy. "We've got to hide - but
where?"
Plucky pointed to an open door on the side of the corridor.
"There, oh illustrious leader."
"Good work - now let's get inside".
Quickly they darted into the room and closed the door - but they
left enough of a crack open to look upon who was coming.
And it wasn't long before the author of the noise showed himself.
"Oh my, K-9000, the plan is going ahead right on schedule. Soon
with the help of the Borg, my lifelong dream of blowing up the
Earth will finally become a reality - and then I'll be able to look
upon the heavens without having it obscured by the earth light -
isn't that lovely?" said Marvin Martian.
His companion, a light green dog who wore a helmet, skirt, and
running shoes to match those of its master gave a huge grin as a
reply.
Just then Marvin looked at his wrist and gasped. "Oh dear - we had
better hurry - we're supposed to be having a meeting with the
Supreme Borg in five minutes to discuss the next phase of the plan
- and you know how tardiness makes him extremely angry."
With that, the two companions started moving a little quicker down
the hall.
"Tho that's his thlippery game, is it - to sell out the entire
univerth jutht so he can see the stars better at night", fumed
Daffy. "Well, he's got another thing coming - he and the Borg
aren't going to thucceed, not as long as I'm DUCK DODGERS IN
THE ... OOF!"
Plucky quickly clasped his hand over Daffy's bill. "Beg pardon,
galactic daredevil, but we're not quite out of the woods yet - and
remember, we have no weapons".
"Right, kid", said Daffy wearily. "Thay, I wonder what this room
is for, anyway - let's shed a little light on this."
So saying, he pulled an Acme Little Lighthouse flashlight out of
his pocket and shone it inside the room. What it illuminated made
the two heroes gasp in disbelief.
Hundreds upon thousands of storage shelves were in this room,
bulging with empty Borg armor, laser appendages, ocular retrofits,
and the like.
72 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Why, there's enough of this stuff here to assimilate everyone in
the known universe - and Burbank", said a stunned Daffy. "But
where did they get all thith stuff, anyway?"
Plucky picked up a box from one of the shelves - and gasped.
"What'th wrong, thpace cadet?"
Plucky handed Daffy the box for him to examine. He read the
writing in disbelief.
"One (1) ACME BORG-TO-ORGANIC-LIFEFORM RETROFIT KIT", the writing
seemed to scream from the surface of the package. And in smaller
letters - "will allow you to subjugate all forms of life through
all the known universe, from humanoids to hortas."
And in smaller letters still:
"To subjugate toons, use part #1563742 1/2 - Borg-Warner high-speed
oscillating veeblefetzer - along with the retrofit kit.
CAUTION - not effective on roadrunners or lisping ducks"
"But what I don't understand", asked Plucky, "is why a company like
the Acme corporation would make such terrible, demeaning devices
like this - and why would they sell them to the Borg! Besides,
don't they have a policy- going back to the days of Marvin Acme -
that they only sell to toons?"
Something caused Daffy's eyes to light up. "Of course," he said
slowly, "it makes sense".
"What makes sense", demanded Plucky of his leader.
"Thpace cadet", Daffy said deliberately, "I have a feeling that one
of our fellow toons is a traitor to all that ith right and good in
the univerth, thomeone who would stop at nothing - even dealing
with the Borg - in order to accomplish his goals of wealth, power,
prestige, more wealth..."
"Oh, Marvin Martian!"
"No, not him - Marvin, you see, uses his own designs and brainpower
to come up with his weapons - he really doesn't need the Acme
corporation. And since there's only one of him, he couldn't
possibly have created all thith by himself. Besides, he's not
driven by greed - only research and science, and he is pretty
sincere about hith goals, wrong-headed as they are."
"Then who is it?" mused Plucky, a little confused.
"Well, it would have to be someone with a monumental ego, someone
driven by a lust for money and power, someone who would use every
rotten trick in the book in order to accomplish his deeds, who
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
would disregard the rights of others to live peacefully and safely
jutht so he can thcrape in the loot, in other words, thomeone
like..."
He turned and glared at Plucky. "Thay - why are you thtaring at ME
like THAT? Do you think I would sell out my friends and the entire
universe to get my hands on gobth of riches?"
"Yes"
"Okay, so maybe I would ... but I couldn't afford to buy all thith
stuff. No, it would have to be another toon - but what other toon
could probably act like that? Who would be able to invest all that
money into thith plan? Who ith thith evil dork? WHO?"
"Wait a minute", said Plucky. "I think I know of someone ..."
* * * * *
With a little assistance, Electro-Myra will have an interesting
time...or be made the object of an interesting time...
* * * * *
Onboard the Borg ship, the newly-commissioned Electro-Myra had
little concern for the identity of whoever was in charge. In fact,
at the moment, she had little concern for anything. She was simply
carrying out her assigned task ... to seek out and capture any and
all "cuddly wuddlys". She had had little luck thus far, though ...
the Borg ship seemed devoid of anything much besides the Borgy
Worgys themselves, and there seemed little reason to capture those
who had already been assimilated. Suddenly, though, she heard
noises that seemed out of place. Non-metallic in nature; perhaps
even -- dare she hope -- organic! She headed toward the source of
the sounds, hope filling what little was left of her emotional
capacity.
She rounded a corner and suddenly found herself face to face with a
rather large and motley group, most of whom -- vaguely -- she
seemed to recognize.
"Elmyra? Is that you?" a cutsy-wutsy blue bunnyrabbit asked.
"Cuddly-Wuddly" she said, her voice betraying little of the hope
that was now reaching full fruition, such as it could, in the
Borg-controlled circuitry of her brain. Her mission was not going
to be a failure after all! She started to reach for the bunny,
only to be stopped short by a sudden realization.
She had been instructed, by the same leaders who wanted her to
capture any and all cuddly-wuddlys, not to go anywhere near these
particular cutsy wutsy fuzzy wuzzy cuddly wuddlys. She stood
motionless, trying to resolve the obvious contradiction.
74 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
And in the tiny corner of her mind where the real Elmyras were
cringing, an idea was hatching. It was just remotely possible that
the loophole that her instructions had provided would be enough to
allow her to unravel the hold the Borg had on her mind. Her
'trouper' personality, knowing that such an opportunity would
probably never come again, went to work...
"Like, this is really mondo bizarro, y'know," Shirley the Loon
commented as she watched the implant-covered but oddly-motionless
Elmyra. "Is this what the real universe is, y'know, like ALL the
time?"
"Well," Wesley answered, "sometimes it's actually even worse. I
remember one time that..."
Wile E., suddenly distracted by something in the distance, held up
a new sign. All it said was, "Shut up, Wesley."
Wesley's protest was aborted before it began as he also caught
sight of the new plot twist. This topped any of the bad situations
he had been in before. Even acne hadn't been this horrifying.
But it was Bab's reaction, perhaps, that best summed up the
situation.
"Yipe."
* * * * *
"Oh, heavens to Betsy, I hope we've not kept the Supreme Borg
waiting too long", a worried Marvin confided to K-9000 as they
approached the door to a room somewhere deep within the bowels of
the Borg ship. "Now what was that combination to the door - I
always forget it - ah, yes!
The little Martian punched a series of buttons that were on the
door. It slid open, revealing another door with a large eyelike
device hanging from the ceiling directly in front of it.
"State your name and your business here", said a voice from a
speaker within the eye.
"Uh, Marvin Martian and his erstwhile space mongrel reporting for
duty, sir! We're expected for an awfully important meeting with
the Supreme Borg."
The eye scanned over the two forms before it, then was silent for a
moment. Finally it spoke: "Clearance granted - you may enter".
With that, the second door slid open, allowing Marvin and K-9000 to
enter within the office of the Supreme Borg.
It was a rather large affair, with one corner of the room brightly
lit, the rest in shadow. On one wall was a large map representing
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the entire universe, with the places where the Borg had conquered
and neutralized marked in red. Throughout the room were various
monitors and gauges, eerily glowing in the pale light; these were
used to monitor the halls and the outside of the great ship, as
well as to check on the progress of the machinery within.
But they were not alone - in front of them, but with his back
turned, was a small figure, busily reading what appeared to be a
newspaper. At their approach, he whirled around to face them.
"WELL IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU GOT HERE!", the figure growled at them
loudly.
The figure in question was a teenage boy, short in stature, with
scruffy brown hair, a perpetual scowl on his face, and a crying
need for an orthodontist. He was dressed in simple grey slacks and
a jacket, the latter open to reveal a green T- shirt.
"I'm really ... sorry, Monty, but there were so many new people I
was helping to assimu ..."
The boy's face reddened. "How many times have I told you,
marble-features- Don't call me Monty! My name is Montana Max,
Richest 14 Year Old in the Entire Galaxy! and don't forget it
again!" he huffed loudly. "Call me that or sir - either will
suffice!"
"Sorry, Mont - er, sir, it won't happen again.", said Marvin
apologetically. He paused a moment, then asked, "H-have you been
waiting long?"
"For over an hour", said Monty. "And I'm not in a very good mood,
either, LOOK AT THIS!" He shoved the paper to the Martian.
"Thanks to this galaxy-wide recession, all my companies are taking
a beating on the stock market -- and it's not doing my ulcer very
good, either!"
Marvin looked over that day's WALL STREET JOURNAL. "Dear, dear,
everybody's not doing very well - not even on Mars! Thanks to this
peace that the Federation has over this part of the galaxy, the
demand for my Eludium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator has been
pretty low. Hopefully this plan we're both involved in will change
all that for the better for you!"
"Yeah, well it better!", snorted Monty. "I didn't get into this
deal with the Borg just to stick around and twiddle my thumbs! I
invested a lot of money in the old war weapons arm of the Acme
Corporation to bring it up to date with the latest technologies -
including modern cybernetics and lasers - and I expect a return on
that - I'm gonna demand factory development in the Milky Way,
mineral rights in the Orion Nebula, and the entire Crab Nebula to
dump toxic waste in as my part of this plot!" A smile crept on his
face.
76 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Oh my, you're quite the mover and shaker, sir - it makes my goal
of finally blowing up the earth look rather minuscule in
comparison."
"Well, you can have the earth", chuckled Monty, "thanks to people
like me it was fully exploited a long time ago - and I could've
gotten more if those damn environmentalists hadn't gotten into
power, shut down all my factories and made me spend money - MY
MONEY! - to clean up the junk they spewed out over the years
before they banished me and Donald Trump to Alpha Centauri!" He
was scowling again. "Hey, what's keeping him! I CAN'T WAIT ALL
DAY!."
"And so you won't, snivelling toon-human", said a new voice from
the shadows.
Monty whirled around - and stood in fear. "H-h-h-hiya, pal" was
all he could muster.
Marvin and K-9000 stood bolt-upright and saluted - " I and my
humble assistant reporting for duty, your Supreme Borgness", from
the large figure who was hidden in the darkness...
* * * * *
Buster and the collected 'toons could only stare in horror at the
mechanical monstrosity heading toward them down a primary corridor
of the cargo hold. Easily twenty feet high at the shoulder, it
resembled nothing so much as a giant but basically humanoid
Coca-Cola vending machine. But no legitimate vending machine ever
built had possessed the number and quality of various weapon-like
appendages being displayed by this one. And no vending machine
built by man had ever dripped slime -- slime that literally burnt
through the floor where it fell -- from a mouth orifice filled with
so many razor-sharp teeth.
The being who had once been Elmyra suddenly stood bolt upright,
looked around for a moment, and then, having established her
bearings, said, "Buster, Babs, the rest of you -- follow me!"
The shock of seeing the evil giant vending machine was nothing
compared to the shock the other 'toons (except Wesley, who had no
reason to expect anything different) experienced now. For the
voice coming from Elmyra's mouth was neither the expressionless
monotone of a Borg unit nor the normal, mindless happytone of the
Elmyra they all knew and abhorred. It was, in fact, the voice of a
reasonably calm and rational -- believe it or don't -- adult.
"Elmyra," Shirly ventured, "is that, like, YOU?"
"I'll explain later," Elmyra responded, looking over her shoulder
at the advancing monolithic figure. "That thing is a Borg Refuse
Reclamation Unit -- if we don't move NOW, there won't BE any
explanations! NOW RUN!!!"
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Almost as if on cue, the BRRU shot a bolt of a plasma-like goo that
impacted the wall just above Calamity's head, leaving a hole a good
foot and a half wide and at least half that deep. No other impetus
was necessary. The group took off and ran as though the hounds of
Hades were on their heels. Which, in a sense, was true.
When finally they lost the BRRU and had hidden themselves in a
temporarily- safe haven, Babs looked at Elmyra and demanded, "All
right, girl, what the heck is going on around here? This character
who claims to really be human" -- she indicated Wesley -- "has
already given us a basic rundown on this Borg thing, but what the
heck has happened to you?
"Well," Elmyra began, "it's unfortunately a rather long story, and
I'm not sure how much time I have right now. Suffice it to say
that I was stupid enough to get myself assimilated by the Borg;
don't let it happen to you. I'm really Elmyra, but not the Elmyra
you know. I've temporarily managed to take over control of the
body from both the Borg and the normal Elmyra surface personality,
but it can't possibly last. And don't make the mistake of thinking
that because you're 'toons, you're invincible ... that thing we
saw back there was shooting a substance created by researchers in
the Acme labs over the course of at least several decades of
development. You see, certain powers wanted something that could
destroy both 'toons and humans at the same time. They got it,
too. Sort of a 'super-dip'. And it was further refined later,
after certain flaws in the original formula were discovered that
prevented it from being effective in a deep-space environment. You
get hit by that stuff, no matter who or what you are, and you're
gone. Period. End of statement."
"Wow," Buster replied. "Kind of disjointed, but I think we get the
gist. This is definitely major league. Got any ideas on how we
can take care of the problem?"
"First thing you've got to do is get in touch with the other 'toons
and let them know that this isn't the cakewalk they're probably
still expecting. Then ... you ... then ..."
Elmyra suddenly began twitching violently and uncontrollably. In a
moment the fit subsided, and the Elmyra with whom they were more
familiar smiled her vacant smile at them.
"Hello, cute fuzzy-wuzzy bunny-wunny! Do you want to come home
with me? I'll make you the best mud pie in the whole wide world
and then I'll change your diaper and then I'll hug you and squeeze
you and love you to..."
Her face suddenly went blank. "Death ... is irrelevant," she
monotoned. "Electro-Myra unit was instructed not to engage these
cutsy-wutsys. This unit must therefore seek out other cutsy-wutsys
for assimilation. " With that, she wandered off down a hallway,
muttering to herself tonelessly about fuzzy-wuzzys and
78 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
borgy-worgys.
As the group attempted to adjust to the new situation and new
information, there was a sudden "Meep-Meep" from behind Wile E.,
who leapt straight into the air and crashed into an overhanging
beam. He fell back to the the floor next to Wesley, his body
collapsed to about half his normal height. " "Meep-Meep" the
Roadrunner gleefully said again, sticking out his tongue, then
zipped away.
Wesley's face suddenly lit up -- literally, since he was, now, a
'toon -- as he realized a corallary to what they had so recently
been told. Elmyra had, briefly, taken control back from the Borg.
That meant that there was still hope for Captain Picard! The Borg
control was not complete!
No sooner had he realized this, however, than a new figure stepped
toward them from a nearby cross corridor.
"I am Locutus," the being who had once and might still again be
Picard recited. "'Toons are irrelevant. Prepare to be
terminated."
So saying, he lifted toward them an appendage dripping with the goo
they now knew could destroy them forever...
* * * * *
Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise...
"Something's wrong - and I don't like it".
Riker paced back and forth on the bridge, where he, Worf, Data,
Bugs and the animators had now transferred themselves from the
conference room. In front of them , the large screen on the deck
revealed in front of them the Borg ship, which loomed ominously.
"They've been on the ship for at least two hours now, and there
hasn't been any word from any of the toons save the message for
help we received from Beanie and Cecil a half hour ago - there's
definitely something very wrong."
Bugs sidled up next to him. "I can understand your concern, Doc -
to tell ya the truth, I'M rather concerned too - usually we toons
manage to get everything accomplished within a matter of seven
minutes. I wish dat dere was some way we could find out what's
goin' on in dat cuisinart out dere."
Riker turned to Data. " Lt., any luck so far in getting a scanner
picture of what's going on in the Borg ship?"
"Negative, Commander", replied Data. "While there are no signs of
jamming devices being used by the Borg to prevent our surveilance
of the ship's interior, I'm afraid there is some sort of
Chapter 4 79
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
interference or flaw - I would suspect there's something wrong with
the scanners".
"Just what we needed at this time", moaned Riker. "Just keep
trying, Lt."
* * * * *
And on the Borg ship...
"There must be a way!"
Daffy was pacing within the self-imposed cell that was the storage
room for Borg parts. Nearby, Plucky was still exploring, still
looking over what was inside the storeroom.
"We can't remain cooped up in here, thpace cadet!" Daffy blurted
out. I'm beginning to get cabin fever! The walls are closing in!
I can't imagine a worse fate - hiding in here, with no weaponth,
knowing that the enemy is out there! What could be worthe!"
Plucky looked up. "Being out there and being turned into Kentucky
Fried Duckling by the Borg, that's what."
"Oh, thank you - I feel so much better, now that you've put it all
in perspective ," Daffy shot back sarcastically. "Oooh, what are
we going to do?"
Just then Plucky got up with a start. "Hey, I got an idea!
Remember seeing THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK?"
"Sure do", said Daffy.
Both ducks held up signs that said PLUG!
"Well," continued Plucky, "remember those land rover androids that
the Empire forces used at the very beginning of the movie? Well, I
took an inventory of all the parts we have here in this storeroom,
and I do believe we have all the parts necessary to build one!
That way, we could go through the halls of the Borg ship and be
fully protected from their laser blasts! Why, I bet we could also
mount one of these laser-appendage devices on the front - it would
give us a good shot at defending ourselves".
Daffy looked at his protege with a stern eye. "Why, of all the
stupidest, craziest, weirdest, outlandish ideas I've ever heard in
my life, that's got to be the stupidest, craziest, weirdest,
outlandish ideas I've ever heard! I'll sum it up for you in two
words -- IM-POSSIBLE!"
Plucky hung his head, dejected. Here was an idea that, though
outlandish, just might have worked. If only...
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U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
But then Daffy got a gleam in his eye - a gleam that Plucky
recognized from so many of the old toons that he had perused in the
film vault at Acme Looniversity - a look that he could only expect
to see from his mentor when disaster loomed!
"But on the other hand," Daffy stated, getting more excited, " I'm
so crazy, I don't know it's impossible! hoo-hoo! hoo-hoo!
hoo-hoo!"
He was now bounding around the room , picking up bits and pieces
from the shelves. "Well, just don't stand there, kid - there's
work to be done! The Borg won't know what hit 'em when we're
through!"
* * * * *
Electro-Myra kept walking away from the Tiny Toons she once called
friends. And inside the vast echo-filled cavern that was her mind,
her adult "trouper" personality heaved an exhausted, but satisfied,
sigh.
She managed to warn those who were, at heart, her friends. Now,
her surface personality was building up strength for her assault on
reality...just as soon as the Borg personality was gone.
Which, she realized, could happen in a very short time now, if she
recognized that female figure turning the corner ahead of her...
The normally unflappable Deanna Troi swung her head this way and
that, looking for some corridor of escape. The little
ponytail-cone she wore on top of her head - which made her look
somewhat like Madonna without the nosecone brassiere - flipped
left, then right, then left again. Seeing Electro-Myra as the
lesser threat - and certainly better than whatever was pursuing her
- she bounded down the corridor, swerved around the Toon-Borg, and
swung out of sight.
A black-and-white skunk, with a dreamy, love-dazed look in his
eyes, turned the corner.
"Pardone-moi, mechani-moselle," he said in his best Garlic - er,
Gallic - accent, "but have you perchanced to encounter an
attractive, alluring Betazoid?"
The mechanical Borg personality responded as expected (as hoped).
"Betazoid is irrelevant. Hee-hee-hee. Prepare to be assimilated."
The mechanically-augmented arm raised, ready to fire its bolt of
demonic energy.
"Ah, bien," Pepe Le Pew said, calmly ducking the blast without
ruffling a hair of his fur. "Zere has rarely been a time when I
have done zis, but remember zat my blood is ze blood of ze Frannch
Rezeestance! En garde!"
Chapter 4 81
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
He turned. He ducked his head. He wafted his tail up and down, up
and down, sending fumes that corroded metal, caused the deck to sag
... and turned Electro-Myra into a pile of smoldering,
disintegrated Toon-Borg.
And somewhere inside the disintegrated parts, both the little
animal-crazy personality and the calm, performing personality
cheered and did a square dance with each other. Their body would
re-integrate ... the Borg parts wouldn't. All too soon, Elmyra
would be free!
All too soon for the Borg, that is...
* * * * *
"Any luck, Geordie?"
Geordie pulled his head out from the mass of circuit boards that
made up the inner workings of the scanner. "No use, Commander", he
said to Riker. "It looks like whatever that gremlin did earlier to
the circuits in Engineering has affected how the scanner operates
-- I would suspect something's been fried."
Riker paced further. "What are the chances of getting it up and
running again -- and how soon?"
"Hard to say ; I would imagine at least a couple of hours work."
"We haven't time for that -- we need to know what's going on!",
Riker grimaced.
Tex came forward. "Maybe I can help," he said, looking at the
scanner unit.
"You don't understand -- this is a highly sensitive piece of
equipment! "
"Wall I don't know, " said Tex. "Back in Termite Terrace, whenever
things got gummed up, we always did this to get it running
again..."
Whereupon he gave the unit a good swift kick.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" yelled Geordie. "You may have done even
more damage to the unit - I'll never be able to get..."
"Excuse me, Commander," Data interrupted. "I'm getting a scanner
reading inside the Borg ship - and it seems to be coming in quite
clearly".
For a few seconds, Riker and Geordie did a double take.
"I know it seems like a cheap gag, Doc", said Bugs, "but Tex is a
master at taking a cheap gag and making it work quite well -
82 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
sometimes too well".
"All right", said Riker, a small smile making an appearance through
his worried countenance. "Mr. Data, make a search through the
Borg ship -- see if you can find any activity going on regarding
our friends."
The next minute seemed like an eternity, as Data used the controls
at his station to go through the Borg ship.
"Nothing of consequence so far, I'm ... wait, there seems to be
someting up ahead down this corridor - I'll try to get it better in
focus ..."
The screen suddenly became clearer, revealing in front of the
audience at the bridge the action taking place in front of them.
Bugs looked at the screen - "YOIKS!" he yelled. "There's Babs and
Buster -- what are they doing there on the ship?"
"Who are they," asked Riker. "And why are they on the..."
He fell silent as he recognized the countenance of the Borg
threatening the two toons -- and the face of the now-toonified
Wesley as one of the animated beings that could possibly share
their fate..."
* * * * *
The intercom in the conference room beeped.
"There is a coded message for the writers and the animators."
"Go ahead," said Chuck.
The face of Jack Warner filled the screen. "Oh no," muttered Friz.
"Boys, I'll make this short. You're washed up. You aren't making
us any money any more. We've just signed a 93-picture deal with
Elvis Presley, and the money's going to have to come out of the
animation studio. You've got one month to clear out your desks.
After that, the studio will be closed. That is all." The screen
went blank.
"What does this mean?" asked Picard.
Tedd looked dazed. "It means we're going to have to defeat the
Borg fast, before time runs out on us."
* * * * *
Wesley fought the panic the was gripping him. He had to come up
with something, and fast! He knew that Picard's mind was still
intact, buried somewhere underneath the Borg programming. If only
he could reach it somehow!
Chapter 4 83
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
He pushed to the front of the group. "Captain Picard," he began,
fighting to speak, "I know..."
"Picard is irrelevant," Picard/Locutus responded immediately.
"Even knowledge is irrelevant, unless it benefits the Borg.
Prepare..."
"Captain, wait!" Wesley shouted, in near complete panic. "Just
hear me out, please! I know you're still there -- fight the Borg
control! It's not complete! You can still take over again!"
Wesley was nearly in tears, but something -- perhaps Picard's
deep-seated fatherly affection for the boy -- was causing the
cyborg to delay action. That was all the other 'toons needed.
As Wesley was pleading with the being who was once his captain,
Shirley had begun meditating, hovering several feet above the
floor. She now pointed at the cyborg, and a sizzling energy bolt
hit him square on the chest, knocking him backward.
"WHAT'VE YOU DONE?" Wesley screamed.
"Like, get crucial, kid," Shirley responded. "He was, like, gonna
kill us, y'know! Besides, he'll only be out for a couple of
minutes. My aura and I don't kill things, y'know!"
"Great," Buster added, "that'll give us time to get away again.
Though I've gotta admit, I'd really rather have someplace definite
to run to!"
The 'toons began to head away, leaving Wesley staring at the fallen
body of his surrogate father. Wile E. returned in a moment, and
dragged him along.
* * * * *
The Borg Overmind was not at all pleased. Yet another unit had
fallen in combat with these energy creatures -- these "toons". It
was now clear that they were a much greater threat than had
originally been estimated. Priorities needed to be changed
accordingly.
First and foremost, 'toons were no longer to be considered as
candidates for assimilation. They were far to difficult to capture
and hold, and the recent experience with the Electro-Myra unit had
shown that, even once assimilated, they could be a problem. The
only viable solution was annihilation, especially considering the
number of 'toons that had recently invaded the Borg ship itself.
The Overmind sent out a few appropriate commands, and immediately,
throughout the huge cubic ship, mobile units began re porting to
have their laser weaponry replaced with something that should prove
more effective. It was time, the Overmind thought, for a
large-scale field test of the "dip" that the 'toon trators had
84 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
provided. They were proving useful, the Overmind considered ...
And as long as they remained useful, they would remain alive and
independant ...
The Overmind's musings were suddenly interrupted as sensors
reported massive equipment failings in one sector of the ship.
Mobile units were dispatched to investigate. Perhaps, the Overmind
thought, the first test had already arrived.
* * * * *
Chapter 4 85
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Intentionally Left Blank
86 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
