U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CHAPTER 3
Wylie grinned with unexpected delight. The box had arrived at
last, by intergalactic postal service (IPS) on a strange brown
freighter. The box said "ACME Borg Buster Kit".
* * * * *
"You do not have clearance to request access to the bridge," said
the computer to the 3 directors. "Well, hell, just take us
anywhere," said an irritated Tex. The turbolift doors opened onto
a nondescript section of corridor -- with Donald Duck running
around. "AAARRRGGGGHHH!" shouted Chuck.
* * * * *
Wesley's face went blank as he concentrated. His eyes were closed,
and his fists clenched loosely at his sides. Wile E. Coyote paced,
waiting to see if the plan would work.
Stripes across Wesley's body began to phase in and out of
existence. There was a sudden shimmer from his head to his toes.
His coloring lost its natural variation in hue and texture, and his
features developed fine black outlines. He opened his eyes and
looked down.
"I did it! I'm a Toon!"
He rushed over to the mirror, and examined his face. No more
pimples! No more pores, either -- his skin was utterly smooth.
And his hands! His four-fingered hands, without any useless
details like fingernails. Still, Wesley felt just like his old
self. No, actually, he felt great! He felt invincible!
He bounced over to the box from Acme. It was tied with string,
with a knot on top. Wesley pulled at the loose end, and the four
sides of the box collapsed to the floor with a thump, raising a
brief cloud of dust.
* * * * *
The box contained a huge Y-shaped wooden apparatus, and an even
larger rubber object, a sort of ribbon, attached to the prongs of
the Y. Wile E. Coyote pulled a manual from the box, and gleefully
pointed the instructions out to Wesley. "Acme Asteroid
Slingshot," Wesley read.
Chapter 3 45
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Step 1: Get a small asteroid (A).
Step 2: Prop wooden base (B) against rim of open airlock (C).
Step 3: Place (A) in center of elastic band (D).
Step 4: Pull (A) and (D) as far back from (C) as you can,
and release in the direction of your target.
Step 5: KA-BLAMMMM!
"This looks easy," Wesley said. He reached into his closet, and
retrieved his portable tractor beam generator. "Come on, Wile E.,
let's go!"
* * * * *
"High-impact projectiles!" said Wesley, as he and the coyote
carried the Acme Asteroid Slingshot into the forward shuttle bay.
"The officers thought the Borg shields covered everything -- all
sorts of energy weapons, photons, even antimatter. But it never
occurred to them that such a simple weapon might be able to get
through! Just wait till they ... Wile E.? What's wrong?"
The coyote stood petrified, staring at the gaping starry void in
front of him. He pointed a shaky arm at the open shuttle bay
doors, and leaped onto Wesley's shoulders, clinging and trembling.
"Oh, don't worry, there's a force field in place to hold the air
in. You can tell, because of the blue glowing strip around the
edge of the doors." Wesley's head turned to follow the coyote's
pointing finger, to the dark area where the force field should
have...
"Oh, no." The coyote waved bye-bye, and he and Wesley were
instantly sucked out into the vacuum of space. The waving hand
hovered in place for a moment, stretching the coyote's arm, and
then it too followed.
* * * * *
"Well, Bugs", said Riker."Got an idea on how to handle this
situation?" It had now been about an hour and a half since the
meeting had begun, and what with the attempted mutinies, the
attempt to override Riker's decisions by Shelby, and other like
plot complications, nothing had of yet been accomplished - other
than ridding the room of Elmyra.
"Well, Doc", said Bugs, "I'm actually stymied - dis seems to be a
little bigger than I expected. I tink I need to confer with some
experts on what to do in dis situation".
"Funny you should say that," said a voice at the door to the room.
46 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Bugs turned, and a big grin came on his face. "YAHOO!" he yelled.
"The cavalry has finally arrived! Come on in fellas!"
Chuck, Friz, and Tex entered the room, and Bugs gave them each a
big hug and a big kiss.
Riker was stunned. "Who are these people", he demanded, "and why
are they here?"
"Commander Riker, meet my fathers and mentors - dey helped to
create me and mold my career to what it is today - dese are Charles
M. Jones, Isadore Freleng, and Fred Avery."
Riker stepped forward and shook their hands. "Pleased to meet you
- but why are you here? And how did you get on the ship without
getting noticed ?"
"Well," said Chuck. "We're here to help Bugs write out a strategy
and put together a game plan on your little problem - he's always
confided in us when there was an insurmountable puzzle he faced.
As for the other - well, there's not enough time for an explanation
for that".
"Very well", Riker said, "So let's get a plan going - we don't have
much more time to waste."
"Soon", said Friz. "We're just waiting for Mike to show up".
"Mike? Who's he?"
Bugs answered that one. "Michael Maltese, my scriptwriter - he'll
help us plan out little strageties and give us a good idea where to
start."
Riker groaned. This was going a little too slow ...
* * * * *
Somewhere in space, a raft floated among the stars. On the raft
were two dishevelled men, one small and portly, one tall and gaunt.
One of them was Michael Maltese.
* * * * *
Chapter 3 47
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
STATUS OF TOONS
Character Location (On/Near The Enterprise)
Bugs Bunny In a conference room
Daffy Duck Staggering around somewhere, drunk
Elmyra On the Enterprise, looking for cute little
cuddly-wuddlies.
Mynah Bird Perusing the corridors
Porky Pig Hero-worshipping Duck Dodgers
Road Runner Zipping around the ship
Tazmanian and/or Dizzy Devil Still to make an appearance:
Wile E. Coyote With Wesley; having just been sucked out into space
via a hole in the forcefield on the shuttle-craft
deck / docking bay.
Character Location (On/Near The Borg Ship)
Elmer Fudd (as Wocutus) On the Borg Ship, having been Borg-ified.
The Gremlin Status Unknown
Marvin The Martian Also on board the Borg ship ; isn't that
peachy? hmm?
Wesley and Wile E. Coyote tumbled in space, mere yards from the
safety of the Enterprise's shuttle bay. Their eyes bulged out, and
they were beginning to turn a lovely shade of robin's-egg blue.
The coyote made desperate swimming motions, which carried him about
a foot closer to the ship. Encouraged, he continued, kicking as
hard as he could, and came just close enough to touch the
doorframe, and haul himself inside.
Wesley watched in a panic, knowing this wasn't possible. There was
no way to swim in a vacuum! Then his new Toon reflexes took over.
He looked back at the shuttle bay doors, and reoriented himself in
the absence of gravity. The Enterprise was DOWN, he told himself.
With that, he fell down into the ship, striking the back wall of
the shuttle bay, and knocked himself out against a control panel.
The force field flared into life.
* * * * *
Wile E. Coyote crouched over Wesley's unconscious body, flattened
like a pancake from his fall. The coyote peeled back Wesley's
eyelid, and let it drop -- yes, the boy would bounce back soon.
"Meep meep!" The coyote jumped, hit his head on the ceiling, and
fell on top of Wesley.
The Road Runner stuck out its tongue at them, zipped over to the
console, and paused to consider turning off the force field again.
No, once was enough! It exited, leaving skidmarks on the floor.
48 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
* * * * *
HP2.Note From Toon Goddess
Sherman and Peabody were absorbed by the Mynah Bird ... then
again, Peabody could use the Wayback Machine to return to the point
before that happened ...
I forgot to mention that Pepe Le Pew is still on board.
* * * * *
The other man on the raft was Tedd Pierce.
Michael and Tedd hunched over their storyboards in the shadow of
the two great ships. "Okay, next we'll want Wesley and Wile E. to
fall on their faces and turn into accordions..."
"Nahh. Too trite."
"Lissen, bub, if you think YOU could do better--"
"Shuddup, okay? We can't help them save the Earth if we keep
fighting."
* * * * *
Also still on board:
þ Yosemite Sam
þ Tweety
þ Sylvester & Junior
þ Foghorn Leghorn & Henery
* * * * *
Aboard the grim, grey cube that was the Borg ship, Unit 32825,
designation Torquematic, had finished his duty cycle and was
returning to his corridor.
He thought very little - the collective consciousness of the Borg
allowed only a modicum of consciousness to be held by the
individual members of the race. However, Torquematic had some
degree of self-awareness, which was pondering the problem faced by
the new factor aboard the enemy ship.
A secondary race of beings of an unknown type had appeared aboard
the ship, and had even been glimpsed briefly outside it. They
appeared to be energy creatures similar to the Calamari (whom the
Borg had briefly encountered), except bound up in a brightly
covered shell that covered and contained their energy beings.
These were not a great threat to the Borg. Nothing was. However,
they were an additional factor, and all factors must be considered
by the group mind for full efficiency.
Chapter 3 49
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
While Torquematic considered this factor, he did not notice a
creature with an even tinier mind approaching him from behind...
A hand clamped over the Borg's neck. Instantly, the energies of
his mechanical and biological components dropped to a fraction of
their normal level. In human terms, the Borg became as weak as a
rag doll. Torquematic swung, helplessly, in a half-circle, to
where his optical sensor could witness this strange creature that
had rendered him helpless...
"Ooooh!" said the little humanoid girl with the gerbil skull in
her orange hair. "I've got a Borgy-Worgy! To cuddle and pamper
and hug and squeeeEEEEEze and spindle and mutilate!"
Emotion being foreign to the individual Borg, Torquematic did not
recognize the wave of despair and futility that washed over its
mech-personality. But it instinctively knew to give a ragged,
uneasy sigh...
* * * * *
Wesley slowly regained consciousness.
"What happened", he thought. "And what is that strange thing out
there outside the ship?"
He took a good look and nearly did a double take (not so hard in
his toon-like state) - there were a pair of disheveled people on
what looked like a raft floating between the Enterprise and the
Borg ship!
"Wile E., wake up!" said Wesley, shaking the bedraggled canine
form next to him. "I need some help! What do you make of this?"
Quickly Wile E. took a look out the opening on the docking bay -
then he looked back at Wesley with a knowing grin.
"You mean you know who they are?" Wesley expostulated. "We'd
better get them aboard!"
Nodding in agreement, Wile E. pulled from his pocket a small
device. On it were the words "ACME SCRIPTWRITER RETRIEVING
DEVICE".
"Uh, no offense, oh genius", Wesley said nervously, "but maybe this
time we'll do it the proper way".
Wile E. lifted up another sign. "No offense taken".
Wesley aimed the tractor beam device at the raft and pulled the
trigger - it slowly snared around the raft. Then he slowly
adjusted the device so that it pulled its quarry in through the
force field and onto the deck.
50 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Gee, thanks", said Michael Maltese. "We'd thought we'd never make
it to the ship. Hey, time's a wasting - we're expected at that
meeting that's going on - lead the way, boy."
Wesley led Mike and Tedd toward the conference room, with Wile E.
close behind them, keeping a nervous eye out for possible attacks
by the Borg. Or pesky road- runners. Or nearsighted sheepdogs...
CE * * * * *
Having pointed the errant scripters toward the conference room,
Wesley and Wile E. returned to the shuttle bay. They had big plans
afoot, and the senior officers would only get in the way, much as
they might try to help.
* * * * *
"Fall asleep on your storyboard JUST ONCE and look what happens,"
said Tedd.
The turbolift slowed to a halt. The two writers trotted toward the
conference room. The door opened and they saw...
* * * * *
Sylvester and Tweety chasing each other around the room. Actually,
Tweety was attempting to fly and not really making it. As the
writers stared he hopped onto the computer terminal and sat as
Sylvester tore around the table so fast that he was a streak of
black and white.
Tweety saw them a second later and fluttered over. "I tawt I taw a
putty tat, and I did! I DID see a putty tat!"
"Doesn't he have other lines?" whispered Mike.
"Nope. Sorry."
Heaving sighs they turned around, and the doors closed.
* * * * *
"No body loves me!!!!!" {sob...sob...sniff...sniff...sob} "Waaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!" a sad little white duck walked to the shuttle
bay. "They all want me dead or gone. No 'toon ever loved me . But
Daisy loves me!!! She always did!!" Donald started to smile. "I
want to see my little Daisy again. I'll go home!"
Donald started to run to the shuttles. No one seemed to notice as
the duck slipped into a shuttle.
"Let me see. I'll just push this and this and pull that!"
Suddenly an alarm rang through the bay. "What the
saguawawawawawa!!!!!" Men and women crowded around the the craft.
"NO!! NO!! I want to go home!!" Donald then pushed a red button
{all ships have THE RED BUTTON} and the craft started to go up. "I
got in now"
Chapter 3 51
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Donald was trying to steer the ship when a gremlin started to play
in the control room pushing all of the buttons. Then
"WARNING: the shuttle bay force field is weakening. It will be
deactivated in one minute. All personnel must leave this area."
All of the people left the bay and Donald finally got the shuttle
into open space.
* * * * *
"I'm coming home, my Daisy! Wow, what is that?" The shuttle was
facing a cubed ship. Then suddenly a tractor beam was locked on to
the ship. "What the??" The shuttle was pulled into the other
larger one. The shuttle was set down on, the little craft would
not respond to and command. The only one that did work was the
OPEN SHUTTLE DOOR. So Donald walked out.
"So these are the things that we are going to fight. Not really
impressive. Well, nothing is better that a 'toon anyway." The
borgs that came to the ship did not care about the duck. Or they
did not think he was a threat. But yet, who would think that a
little half-nude duck could do anything wrong? Well, Donald
decided to look around.
* * * * *
"Mike! Tedd!" shouted Chuck. "So you finally made it!"
"Yes we did", said Mike. "And I'll tell you, the trip wasn't easy
either - having to dodge asteroids. I say, next time I take the
train!"
"Well, enough talk", said Friz. "We've got to get a battle
strategy planned for Bugs and the other toons before time runs out
- got any ideas on how to do it?"
Tedd grinned. "We sure do - perhaps some of the best gags we've
ever dreamed up- for instance, here's one where Bugs takes a
baseball bat, a stick of gelignite and a coconut cream pie, and he
sticks it..."
"I say - can I get in a few ideas of my own", said a distant voice
from the past.
The animators turned to see Bob Clampett walk into the room,
followed close behind by Beanie and Cecil.
"BOB!" they all shouted for joy.
"How are you, Bob?" exclaimed Chuck. "Why, we haven't seen you
since Leon gave you the boot! By the way, how's Sodie doing?"
"Quite fine, Chuck - and how's Marian?"
52 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Ahem"
The Warner animators turned to see Riker, by now fuming, tapping
his foot.
"Sorry to break up the party, fellows, but I do believe that you're
supposed to be writing out a war strategy for Bugs and the other
toons regarding our problem out there", Riker said, trying to
remain composed, while pointing to the monitor screen at the Borg
ship. "Do you think you can get a move-on and accomplish this?"
"Sure thing," said Tex. "Boys, let's get a move-on and get
something together - we've got some serious brain-storming to do!"
"RIGHT!" exclaimed the rest of them.
What happened next was quite hard to describe, but within the space
of thirty seconds the entire conference room was filled with mad
blurry outlines of the animators and writers as they went about
their task.
As the activity subsided, a great change had come about the room -
the walls were covered with thousands of drawings, each in a
particular order of events. And in the middle of the room, there
stood a large sheaf of papers bound in a manila folder, with the
name "BUGS BUNNY VS.THE BORG" written across it.
Riker was flabbergasted. "H-h-h-h-h-h-how did you do that!"
"Oh, tweren't nothing", said Tex. "It's just the typical way we
work - we work best five minutes before deadline. Say, Bugs," he
nodded to the rabbit," check this out and see if it meets your
approval."
Bugs began leafing through the tome. Then he let out a shriek.
"What's wrong", asked Riker.
"NO!" shrieked Bugs. " It's too terrible - too horrible - the
Borg don't deserve a fate like this!"
Bugs fell as a panting heap to the floor, gesticulating wildly.
But before Beverly could administer a sedative to him, the rabbit
stopped his tirade and lay still, a smile coming to his lips,
revealing teeth other than his characteristic overbite.
"But what the heck", said he, "I'll do it!"
* * * * *
Elmyra bounced along the corridors of the Borg ship, the poor
bedraggled entity known as Torquematic in her grip. If one could
pity an inhuman creature like a Borg, Torquematic deserved it -
thanks to Elmyra's rough treatment, his servo-arm had lost half its
Chapter 3 53
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
component parts, his flesh-components had suffered innumerable
scratches and irritations from being bounced off the deck, and his
ocular receptor was dangling by its wires.
Elmyra, herself, was happy. This was what she loved to do more
than anything else. To feel the beating, moving, trembling feeling
of life itself -- just before that feeling disappeared forever.
That was why she always pursued Toon animals and other intelligent
beings. Life itself was precious to her, and she felt it should be
enjoyed before it turned into "gooey, sticky death." Sadly, her
tiny mind never understood that her treatment of life, all too
rapidly, turned it into death.
Suddenly, something new caught her innocent, somewhat-glazed eyes.
A gigantic Borg repair-unit loomed over her. And for once, her
eyes narrowed in fear. The creature was brandishing a gigantic
plasma torch. Being a Toon, she couldn't be killed by it -- but it
would cause her immense, horrendous pain, beyond that which a
mortal creature could tolerate.
"Hey, Mister Big Borgy-Worgy!" she protested. "You can't do that
to me! I'm a girl! You're not supposed to beat up on little
girls!"
The repair-unit, its humanity smothered by the chrome-plate and
brain-taps inserted in its fleshy parts, displayed no emotion as it
repeated the words the Borg group-mind issued to it.
"Beating up is irrelevant. Little girl is irrelevant."
Momentarily, Torquematic was freed - most of Torquematic, at any
rate. The parts that weren't were burned to a crisp by the plasma
flame - amidst the parts of the girl Toon, which, inexplicably,
simply shattered into a pile of irregularly-shaped cutesy-wootsy
pieces.
* * * * *
Chuck got up and tugged his shirt. "The first thing we're going to
need is some paper to draw the Warner Brothers logo on."
"Is that absolutely necessary?" snapped an irritated Riker.
"It's the way we do things."
"Okay..." He walked off to find some paper.
Just then, there was a flash of light. Wocutus stood before them.
"Wawner Bwothers is iwwewwevant. Pwepare to be assimiwated."
* * * * *
Donald looked around. No borg bothered him. They still did not
care that he was here. He started to here something strange.
54 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Wonder what it could be?" He said to himself and tried to find
the source.
What Donald found, made him stop in his tracks. "What did they do
to you poor things?" He ran to the far fall and looked into the
clear boxes. The room was the Borg Nursery. There were 10
children in this room. Most of the babies had about 5 implants.
But there was one baby, a little girl, who had only one. It was
the head implant. This was the child who was making g all of that
noise.
"Ooooooohhhhhhhh. You must be a newborn. Why did they do this to
you?" Donald picked up the child and the baby stopped crying and
she just fell asleep in Donald's arms.
"That's a good girl. Now sleep." His heart went out for the
little child. "I got to find a way to get you out of here. I wont
let them hurt you. But from what I heard, you have to be quiet so
no bad borg knows that you're gone. Okay? Thank you little one.
Donald put her back into her crib and took off his red scarf and
wrapped the child in it.
"There all better. Now let's try to get outta here." And he left
the room.
* * * * *
"Why, Elmer, old buddy", said Bugs. "Glad to see ya - like the new
duds."
"I - am no longer Elmer", said the Borg-toon. "Elmer is
iwwelevant".
"Gee, I coulda told ya that years ago, Doc! So how's about we talk
over dis situation you're in now over something to drink - ya take
sugar in your 10W30 - OOF!"
Wocutus had placed his laser-appendage against Bugs' nose. "Enough
of this idle banter, wabbit! I am part of a gweater being now, and
am more powerful! I'll give you ten seconds to decide - assimuwate
or terminate."
Bugs pushed the lethal weapon away from his face. "All right,
scuttle-head, ya win. I'll go quietly".
Riker pushed forward from the frightened throng. "Bugs ... NO!"
Bugs turned angrily. "Hey, you keep out of dis - this is between
me and the Maytag from space!"
But from the corner of his eye Bugs gave Riker a knowing look, one
that he knew from watching his past exploits that he was firmly in
control.
Chapter 3 55
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"All right, Wocutus, so we're goin' on a trip, eh? Well den, I'd
better get packed!" With that, Bugs went to a dresser drawer,
pulled out a suitcase from behind it, and began to open the drawers
and pull things from the compartments and ram them into the
suitcase.
"Huwwy up, wabbit!" said Elmer/Wocutus. "We must weturn to the
ship and assimuwate!"
"Al-right al-ready, silica-for-brains !", snorted Bugs. "I'm
packin' as fast as I can!"
Bugs now tried to close the case - once, twice, three times then
maybe. "Dat's the trouble when you're in a rush - you can never
get the case closed. Hey, boilerplate", he motioned to Wocutus.
"Come over here and give me a hand."
Wocutus moved effortlessly to Bugs' side.
"Dat's a good android", Bugs said. "Here, hold dis for me for a
minute while I rearrange a few tings, iron-drawers". He handed
Wocutus a large black object with a long piece of wick which was
burning slowly.
"Yeah, dat's it. Hey, I forgot my toothbrush in the bidet - I'll
just go get it".
Bugs now hurriedly ran from Wocutus. Everyone else knelt down for
the thing that was to happen next.
Wocutus realized what this grim object was - a few seconds before
it blew up.
When the smoke cleared, Wocutus was now tattered, with nuts and
bolts littering the main area of the conference room. He staggered
towards Bugs.
"Smart twick, wabbit! You may have gotten the drop on me this time
- but next time we'll be weady!"
With that, the bald half-cyborg dematerialized himself out of the
room and back to the Borg vessel for repairs...
* * * * *
Wile E. panted from exhaustion, his tongue hanging out. Wesley
felt like doing the same. It hadn't been easy, getting the Acme
slingshot device propped up in the shuttle bay doors.
Now Wesley needed to select an asteroid for his ammunition. He
called up an astrographic display on the control panel -- he needed
one small enough to fit into the shuttle bay, but heavy enough to
do some real damage. One choice leaped off the list at him... he
rubbed his nose where it hit.
56 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Wesley pointed his tractor beam on the right heading, and waited.
He had something... a glint of light... a small roundish shape...
no, a dented cylinder. It flew up to his tractor device and stuck
there. Wesley read the label... "Pepsi - the Choice of the Next
Generation."
He tossed it aside, and cast out the tractor beam again. A small
blue spark appeared in the distance... came nearer... nearer...
it circled Wesley's head, still a blue spark.
Wesley recognized it. "Ian Andrew! Great to see you, but you'd
better leave. We're in great danger." The spark dipped in assent,
and flew off.
He tried the tractor beam again. In quick succession, he captured
a spare tire, a Pakled shuttlecraft, a stray NASA satellite
(amazing how those things got around), a 20-pound space trout, and
a black sphere with a lit fuse and a tag that said "You are
irrelevant -- signed, The Borg."
The coyote's eyes bulged. He ran over to try to blow the flame
out. Then he tried to pinch the flame out. And again to blow it
out.
"Wile E.," said Wesley, "that fuse was burning in vacuum. There's
nothing you can do ... except RUN!" They turned to the door
together.
The bomb blast caught them in mid-stride. Their blackened
silhouettes collapsed into two piles of ashes.
* * * * *
"Okay, my fellow toons", said Bugs to all the toons who had now
assembled inside the conference room, "it's time now that we put da
plan in action - we need to get as many toons inside dat Borg ship
as possible in order to stop dem. And, as you could tell from our
run-in with what was once Elmer, it's not gonna be easy".
He paused for a moment. "Of course, some of us is gonna have to
stay behind and help protect the rest of the Enterprise crew from
dese rejects from the twilight zone as well. Thereby, I appoint
Yosemite Sam to lead the force dat stays behind."
"WHAT!" yelled the pint-sized desperado. "You can't do that to
me, ya mangy varmint! I came here to put them thar Borg back to
the scrapyard, not sit on my keister protectin' a bunch of space
cadets in leotards!"
"But Sam," protested Bugs, "you're probably the best at this part
of the plan".
Chapter 3 57
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Nothin' doin'", roared Sam. "Ya know, I had to reject a major
part in an animated version of "Bonanza" in order to come here".
"Oh really? Were you goin' to play a stagecoach robber?"
"Of course not, ya idget! That'd be typecastin'! I was gonna play
Little Joe!"
Sam turned and stalked out towards the door. "I'm goin' into that
ship, rabbit", he yelled. "I pay my four bits to see Borg parts
fly, I'm a gonna see Borg parts fly!"
With that, he headed towards the transporter room.
"Nuts", said Bugs. "Now who are we gonna get to lead the
protection force? We need bodyguards!"
"Deed somebody say - bodyguards?"
The room recognized that voice - or rather, they recognized that
odor before they recognized that voice.
"Oh, I would be more zan happy to be a bodyguard - I learned a lot
about protecting bodies during my stint in ze French Foreign Legion
while trying to forget ze breaking heart", purred Pepe Le Pew.
While Pepe was emoting, Lt. Troi was slowly trying to inch out of
the room unseen. But it was no use - Pepe spotted her.
"And speaking of protecting bodies", he stated a little louder, his
hormones racing into overdrive", "there is the body I would like so
much to guard! Come here, my leetle one, we will be togezzer at
last - ze equivalent of a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup!"
Troi broke into a run down the corridor. "That's the last time I
ever put a peroxide streak in my hair!", she thought.
"Come back, peegeon!" Pepe called after her. " Ze peanut butter
does not run away from ze chocolate!" He hopped after her down the
hall.
* * * * *
"Jutht a darn minute, long-ears!"
Bugs turned around to face the voice addressed to him. Yes, it was
Daffy, all right - with a large sack of ice on his head, and rather
bloodshot eyes. Porky was tagging right after him.
"So you think that you can fight against those Borg with only your
puny leadership skills? HA! Let a real duck head this mission!"
"Sorry, Daffy", said Chuck. "But I think it was well decided
before even we showed up by Commander Riker that Bugs was to head
58 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
this mission, and so we wrote the script accordingly - it's a
little too late to change it now."
"So that's the way the Oreo decomposes, eh Chuckles", muttered
Daffy. "Well, I guess I'll have to take my ball and go home - I
won't have anything to do with this script!" He headed towards the
door.
Strange, thought Riker, but why does Daffy remind me so much of
Shelby?
"Well, Daffy, I guess it's too bad", said Bugs. "Now we'll have to
split your share of the loot between all of us."
Daffy stopped dead in his tracks. "What do you mean - loot?"
"Well", explained Bugs, "since da Borg have been takin' over other
alien civilizations and subvertin' them to their will and
plunderin' their resources, it only stands to reason dat dey must
have a huge amount of swag aboard dat ship of dere's. And, if we
destroy dem, since dey already destroyed the other civilizations,
it only stands to reason that we get what's on the ship - but if
you don't want your part, I guess dat it'll be more for the
rest..."
Data started, "But our sensors haven't indicated...", but a quick
glance from Riker and Worf quickly shut him up.
"AHA!" yelled Daffy. "Tho that's why you've been tryin' to
dissuade me from going on the ship - you want all the gold for
yourselves! Well, it'th mine, I tell you, it'th all mine! Thought
you could fool ol' Fred C. Dobb - er, thorry, wrong soliloquizer -
Daffy Duck! Well, it won't work! I'm going aboard that Borg
vessel, and don't try to stop me!"
He turned to Porky. "C'mon, thpace cadet - we've gotta get aboard
that Borg ship".
"I-i-i-i'm not going", said Porky.
"And why not ?!", screamed Daffy.
"B-b-b-b-because I just figured something - every time we're a
team, you get top billing, but I always end up doing all the
w-w-w-jobs. And I'm sick of always b-b-b-bein' the second banana.
No, it's time for me to be a star in this p-p-p-p-piece, as..."
Porky began to whirl at supersonic speed, changing colors as he
went, then suddenly stopped. He was now dressed in a white shirt
with brown vest and tan breaches, with his own laser pistol at his
side.
Chapter 3 59
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"...H-h-h-h-h-ham Solo, scourge of the Empire, ch-ch-ch-hero of the
Federation of p-p-p-p-planets! And," he turned to Bugs, "I'd be
more than happy to lead the Enterprise d-d-d-defense team".
"Dee-lighted", said Bugs. "You're in".
"Brother, " muttered Daffy. "A thpace cadet hangs around a brave,
intrepid outer space hero like me for thirty minutes, and he ends
up with a thwelled head. Well, arrivederci, kid - your severance
pay is in the mail".
He now walked over to Chuck. "And now, oh wizard of ink and paint,
mind if you get me a new partner for thith mission - one who will
worship the very ground I walk on?"
"Sure," said Chuck. He took his brush and, with a few swift
strokes, rendered a tinier version of Daffy, green instead of
black, but attired in the same way.
"Hey, that'th much better", said Daffy with delight. "Okay, space
cadet, let's go to that transporter room and get those Borg and
their solid gold goodies".
"Oh, great," said Plucky, (for it was he), "I'll be more than glad
to do so for the great DUCK DODGERS OF THE 24th 1/2 CENTURY!"
"Hey, watch it - that's MY line", said Daffy with some annoyance.
"Besides, that's Duck Dodgers IN the 24 1/2 Century!"
"Sorry", apologized Plucky. "Pronoun trouble."
"No probs, space cadet - you can lick my boots later if you wish."
"REALLY", swooned Plucky. "It'd be an honour - an honour!"
With that, Daffy and Plucky left for the transporter room.
Now Porky went to Chuck. "H-h-h-hey, h-h-h-how's about a sidekick
for me - I'd like some camaraderie too, you know".
"Well, Porky, if you insist", said Chuck. "Now let me see - ah,
I've got it!" A few more swirls of paint and...
"Oh no", moaned Porky. "N-n-n-n-no"
"Well, I think I see the problem", said Charlie Dog. "You ain't
got no loyal sidekick, and I ain't got no father-figure type action
character to hero worship - so, I'm a goin' to make you a
preposition..."
Porky replied by kicking the canine con-artist right out of the
conference room - right into 10-F.
60 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
He then turned to Friz. "You w-w-w-wanna try a crack at it?"
"Why certainly, Porky", said Friz. He quickly sketched a rough
figure on the air - "there now, let's add a little color " - a few
stabs and lines with the brush - "there, how's that?"
Before Porky stood a smaller replica of himself, clad in a red
shirt, green pants, beige sup-hose, and a yellow cape. He wore a
black mask around his chubby pink features.
"A-a-a-a-and who are you supposed to be?", asked Porky.
"Why, none other than DECOY, the PIG HOSTAGE!", said Hamton.
"He'll do", said Porky. "B-b-b-b-besides, I'd hate to see what
Tex'd come up with for me."
* * * * *
A gleam of light, and two small figures stood on the deck of the
great Borg ship.
"Wow! said Plucky. Will you look at this place!" {PLACE ... Place
... place }
"Knock it off!" snapped Daffy. "We've got a ship to dethtroy."
The eerie silence was shattered by a rhythmic metallic CLUMP...
CLUMP ... CLUMP. Twenty-five feet ahead of the two ducks, a
solitary Borg wheeled into view and began loping toward them.
"Oh, tho that'th the way it'th gonna be, ith it? Put up your
duketh!" Daffy dropped into a boxing stance, sniffing and
punching. When it became obvious that the technique was
ineffective, Daffy wisely stood up straight and grabbed his Acme
Disintegration Pistol.
"You're athkin' for it now, bucko. All it'll take ith one blatht
from thith Dithintegration Pithtol, and brother, when it
dithintegrateth, it dithintegrateth!"
Daffy pulled the trigger. The pistol turned into powder and blew
away. "Well, what do you know, it ... dithintegrated," Daffy
reflected sadly.
Meanwhile, a small Phoenix-class starship approached the Enterprise
and hailed. "Commander Shelby, requesting permission to board."
* * * * *
As all disintegrated Toons do - nearly all of the time, anyway -
Elmyra slowly re-integrated. It was a slow process for her, since
she didn't have the aid of any Toon medical aid, and needless to
say, it was painful, too. But she slowly came together. And as
she did, her minds tried to resolve the problem.
Chapter 3 61
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Yes - minds, plural, not singular. All Toons - at least, the
highly advanced ones that comprise the Warner Brothers family,
original and Next Generation - are somewhat schizophrenic. Behind
what we consider to be their "personas", there is a slightly more
rational being that acknowledges the Toon's nature as a Toon, as a
creature that works with other Toons to achieve a goal.
Behind Elmyra's tiny Toon mind, there was her inner self, the self
that helped her play the antagonist in many stories, because the
story needed antagonists. This part of her mind said, "Girl,
you're in trouble...you managed to capture one Borg like you do the
cuddly-wuddlies - was THAT a stretch! - then get smashed to pieces
by another. I've got to get a plan together for when I finally
reconstitute my cute little Toon body. Ah...I should be achieving
consciousness and my senses in a moment, when my eyeball snaps into
place..."
Slowly, vision and sense came back to Elmyra - and her surface "dim
bulb" persona took over. Her rational "trouper" personality went
screaming into a corner of her head.
Because Elmyra saw herself restrained in a Borg reconstruction
chamber, with cute little metal pieces bolted onto her arms and
legs, and a stainless-steel- mesh skirt substituting for her own.
And across the way from her, another Toon Borg, resembling her old
mentor, was undergoing reconstruction - and supervising her
conversion.
* * * * *
"All right!" Chuck called. "Next wave onto the Borg ship!"
Wile E. Coyote, Wesley, Road Runner, Beany and Cecil all left for
their tour of duty on the cube.
Of course, being Toons, they had no need of the transporter, but
each did give out a satisfying "Poit!" as they vanished.
* * * * *
TECHNICAL NOTE ON ELMYRA
There was a TINY TOONS episode where Buster shows a picture of
Elmyra's brain. Or lack thereof. There was an empty space in her
cranium, and Buster made the point of her not having one. (The
episode was a Wild Kingdom takeoff where Buster and Babs were
tracking Elmyra.) so there should be lots of space for those two
"personalities" of hers to run around in
* * * * *
The borg now had Daffy by the throat.
"Listen, stupid, er, pal", Daffy croaked through the deathlike
grip, "Can't we talk thith over?"
62 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
The borg nodded in the negative. "Lisping ducks are irrelevant",
said he, "nor do they make good candidates for assimilation.
Prepare to be vaporized!"
"Jutht my luck", thought Daffy. "To be considered 4-F by a
technologically superior civilization". He closed his eyes,
prepared for the blow that would once again reduce him to ash.
It never came. Instead, there was a blinding explosion, followed
by a loosening of the Borg's grip.
Daffy felt the full impact of the floor as he hit. He then opened
his eyes - there before him was his tormentor, with a cloud of
smoke rising where his head should have been.
Plucky ran to Daffy. "Are you okay, oh fearless leader?"
"I gueth so, space cadet - what happened?"
"Well", Plucky said breathlessly, "while that big lump was
preoccupied with you, I simply ran up his back and let him have
it?"
"Oh, with what", queried Daffy. "An Acme Disintegrator Gun?"
"Nope".
"A phaser you smuggled from the weapons room?"
"Nope".
"A tactical nuclear warhead?"
"Nope".
"Alright, I give. What did you use to do that to him?"
"I whipped out this Immature Radioactive Samurai Slug mask that I
always keep in my back pocket, rapped it around its head and tied
it REAAAAAAAAL tight...
* * * * *
Wesley stared at his surroundings in wonderment. He recognized
that he and Wile E. could only be inside the Borg ship ... but he
knew he'd been deep-fried by the bomb blast. He hadn't expected to
wake up at all. Being a Toon had advantages he hadn't even
anticipated.
The coyote was totally unfazed by his latest near-death experience.
Wile E. tiptoed softly down the corridor, scouting the territory.
Wesley tiptoed close behind. From time to time, a clanking Borg
stomped down the corridor, paying the furtive pair no attention at
all.
Chapter 3 63
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
As they passed alcove after alcove of dormant Borg, Wesley began to
wonder how deeply asleep they were. He stopped to poke one. No
response. He tried unscrewing an arm attachment... and it came
off easily.
Minutes later, Wesley and Wile E. were knee-deep in Borg parts,
joyously fitting them together into combinations the Borg had never
dreamed of...
* * * * *
Cecil was worried. It had been about ten minutes since the recent
batch of toons had been teleported to the Borg ship, and there was
no sign of Beanie anywhere. Since they had not used the teleporter
to arrive at their destination, it was possible that he had
rematerialized in another part of the ship.
Cecil stealthily slithered along the corridors of the Borg ship,
being careful not to make a sound, trying his best to listen for
any sign of his bosom buddy. Suddenly...
:HELP, CECIL - HELP!"
"Gosh", Cecil exclaimed worriedly, "Beanie's in trouble! It
sounded like it came from that corridor!"
Quickly he slid his serpentine body toward the direction of the
distress call.
There at the end of the corridor stood his little friend, petrified
with fear. Over him stood a Borg, laser unit pointed at his face.
"Little boys with propeller caps are irrelevant", said the fiend.
"You'll be a perfect addition to our fraternity..."
"Oh no", yelled Cecil. "I can't see my Beanie turned into a techno
- zombie! THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR - SUPER CECIL!"
* * * * *
64 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
