U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CHAPTER 2
Worf sidled into 10-Forward. "Hmm, interesting scent," he mused.
As he climbed climbed onto a barstool, Guinan brought a glass of
prune juice.
"What's in the box?"
"Something remarkable," the Klingon replied. "Observe." He opened
the box carefully. The frog sat morosely, tiny hat askew. It let
out a mournful croak.
"Uh-huh," Guinan said.
* * * * *
Meanwhile, Daffy was on his way to the Brig, muttering to himself.
It was time to put his plan into motion, and none of the
Philistines on this ship would stop him.
"Not this little black duck!"
* * * * *
The gremlin, now sitting on Lore's outstretched hand, looked up at
Data in amazement. Lore, intent on studying his new prize, didn't
notice when Data nodded ever so slightly to the gremlin.
"Enjoy it, Lore. I think you will find it most ... interesting."
Data moved off down the corridor, whistling. Lore's puzzled gaze
followed his brother, but the creature on his hand was eyeing Lore
with an evil grin.
Oh, my, thought the gremlin, where does one begin?
* * * * *
A short while later, Geordie came across a neat little pile of
android parts in the corridor. For a moment, his heart jumped to
his throat as he feared for his friend, Data. Then, realizing that
the cloth in the pile was clearly from a civilian outfit, he
relaxed. Well, what do you know? he thought, I guess that
gremlin's good for *something*.
* * * * *
Worf leaves 10F, confused and angry. He reopens the box...
"Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my Klingon gal..."
Worf closes the lid and rushes to sickbay, to consult with Dr.
Crusher about the frog...
* * * * *
Dr. Crusher, may I show you something?' Worf asks.
Chapter 2 23
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
He places the box on her console surface and removes the lid. He
unceremoniously dumps the frog out. It sits there.
'Ribbbbbb-etttt'.
Crusher looks at it. 'Was there something else, Worf?'
Worf disconsolately stared at the frog. Crusher shook her head
meaningfully.
'Worf, you seem to be depressed lately concerning the problem with
Jean-Luc. I'd like to do a series of tests on you, if that's all
right?'
Worf glumly nodded assent. She stepped into her office, leaving
him alone for a moment. He poked at the frog with one claw, and
suddenly the frog bolted upright and launched into a spirited tap
dance. 'Everybody's doing the Enterprise RRRRRRAAAAAAGGGGGG.'
Worf looked wildly about. No one was there to witness it.
The concept of a creature with webbed feet successfully tap-dancing
refired his enthusiasm. 'What a find!' he thought to himself. 'I
have to find a sympathetic audience for this'.
He stuffed the frog back into its box and hurried off.
Meanwhile, back in the conference room...
'Where IS Worf, anyway?' Riker exclaimed. 'I think he knows
something about this situation. COMPUTER, Worf to the conference
room - acknowledge!'
'Acknowledged' growls out of the speakers.
'Bugs', Riker says, 'we've got quite a problem with your fellow
toons. There's got to be a way to harness their abilities and
direct them against the Borg.'
'Awwwwww, keep your seams straight, ramrod, we'll moida da bums'
Bugs assures him. 'Wit da mynah boid to keep de odder toons in
line, we'll soon have t'ings straightened out.'
* * * * *
"OK," Riker says to Bugs. "Now what were you saying about 'war'?
* * * * *
A transporter beam shimmered in the corridor and reformed into a
Pakled. He noticed the pile of android parts. "Oh, goody, things
to make us go." While gathering the parts, though, he noticed that
they seemed familiar.
The Pakled thought, and thought, and thought. The lightbulb lit.
"Lore! Pull yourself together!"
* * * * *
24 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Now that he was sure that nobody was around him, Daffy now pondered
the situation he was in and studied his options.
"The nerve of those ultramaroons! Me, who represents all the
talent and leadership around here, thrown over for that moth-eaten
rabbit! Ha! I'll show em! I'll use my superior intellect,
talent, and humility to defeat the Borg! Then they'll come
crawling to me!"
Daffy smiled. For all the scrapes he had been through all the
years, throughout all the humiliations by Bugs, the gun blasts, the
lost opportunities - he still believed in himself. This was his
greatest asset, which had allowed him to go forward and grin in the
faces of his greatest adversaries, no matter how many fists, bombs,
slings, arrows, custard pies, etc. had been thrown at his being.
Yes it was his greatest asset, but it was also his greatest
character flaw, for from the Olympian height of his great ego he
could not see or respect any others who could have loved, nurtured,
cherished him - yea, it was this very asset that showed him for
what he really was, a greedy, self-centred, egotistical, waddling,
toad-licking...
"ALRIGHT, CAN THE COMMENTARY ALREADY!" yelled Daffy to the
narrator of this piece. "Who asked you to butt in, anyway! now,
back to the matter at hand! And I know just how to do it! Now
first, I'll need a costume. Where will I get one?"
"Ah, I know!"
Daffy looked upward, then spoke. "Hey, whoeber's in charge of the
ink and paint department here! I need a costume! One that'll
strike fear and terror and respect in the minds of intrepid space
travellers and gooey, enormous aliens - not to mention any sci-fi
fans reading this junk!"
As if by magic, a giant eraser appeared, and removed all traces of
Daffy save for his eyes and bill. Then a humongous paintbrush
appeared, deftly adding lines, colors, detail, until what finally
stood before the eyes of whoever would have been watching, was
something so terrible, so awful, so unbelievable to behold...
A PARAMOUNT PICTURES FILM EXECUTIVE!
"Brother", said Daffy, "it is very obvious from the duds you have
bestowed upon me that you are obviously unclear upon the concept I
was trying to grasp. NOW CUT THE COMEDY AND CORRECT THIS!"
Whereupon a large applicator tip from a bottle of whiteout covered
Daffy from head-to-toe with correction fluid.
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! GET ME THE CORRECT COSTUME, BEANS FOR
BRAINS!"
Chapter 2 25
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
This time the eraser reappeared and repeated its previous action.
Next the brush made an encore and swished around madly.
Daffy now stood , bestowed in a tight-fitting tunic that covered
the upper half of his body, his head geared with a curious helmet
with a radio aerial sticking erect in the air. At his hip was a
large laser pistol, marked with the words ACME DISINTEGRATOR
GUN on the barrel.
"Alright, Borg, you've met your match! Alright, Enterprise
personnel, meet the one who's really gonna turn those cybernetic
pencil sharpeners into guacamole! Make way for ... DUCK DODGERS IN
THE 24th 1/2 CENTURY!"
"Now," Daffy said, looking up at the sky again. "I need an
intrepid, eager young sidekick who is brave, loyal, smart, and not
eager to hog the spotlight from the hero of this epic. Think you
can whip up something like that?"
With that the brush once again engaged itself in a flurry of
activity. When it was done, it went away, revealing his sidekick -
a small, unassuming pig, similarly tunicced as Daffy, minus the gun
and with a small badge on his chest marked "Comedy Relief".
"Not quite what I had in mind", grimaced Daffy, "But I guess he'll
have to do. Well, eager, young space cadet", he said to Porky,
ready to kick some Borg butt and liberate the universe alongside
DUCK DODGERS IN THE 24TH 1/2 CENTURY?"
"Re-read-re-read-re-read-re-read-re Roger Wilco, your heroship,
sir!"
"Good. Now here's what we have to do ..."
* * * * *
A flash on the comm screen caught Duck Dodgers' attention. It was
a shot of the interior of the Borg ship. A round dark face, with
no features save two huge eyes, appeared; on top of the face was a
centurian's helmet. The figure spoke.
"Resistance is futile. Isn't that peachy? Hmmmm?"
Note: Anyone care to guess how Marvin The Martian got onto the Borg
ship ?
"So, you again! Now you've met your match in ... DUCK DODGERS, IN
THE 24TH 1/2 CENTURY!
Sidekick," he continued, "come with me to the brig. We've a plot
to hatch."
"Aye-ye-ye-ye-ye-affirmative, sir."
* * * * *
26 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Meanwhile, everyone on the ship thought Worf was insane.
He walked down the corridor towards Weapons, with the box under his
arm, emitting small growls.
He knew what to do; he set the box down and struggled with an empty
photon torpedo casing. He set it on the rail and opened its hinged
lid. "To Feklar with you," he said to the box's resident, sliding
it into the casing and closing the lid. "You will dishonor me no
more." He loaded the torpedo and its occupant, and walked over to
the override console. He punched in the override protocols and set
the casing in motion towards the launch tube. As it disappeared
out into space, Worf emitted a scream. It sounded a lot like the
Klingon death scream, but in this case it signified only
frustration.
* * * * *
6.2 MILLION YEARS LATER...
Captain t'ggNERP of the One True Confederation piloted his ship,
the !, toward the Southern Whorl of the Andromeda Galaxy. His
destiny was in the stars, and his duty was to explore. t'ggNERP
was linked in sensorily with his ship's operating system, and he
felt joy as the huge ship passed through a tiny nebula and he felt
the charged particles brushing his membrane. Suddenly, he sensed a
small rigid capsule passing to his immediate right. t'ggNERP
quickly extended a tractor beam around it and brought it into the
docking bay. Like a child with a gift, he set a droid to work
opening the various levels of the nested containers, only to
find...
"Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gaaaalll..."
* * * * *
Back in the present ...
Worf's in danger of being put on report for insubordination. Last
we saw, he was supposed to be reporting to Riker in the conference
room.
* * * * *
In the brig...
"GET THAT SWOP AWAY FWOM ME!" bellowed Elmer. He was referring to
the meal that the security men on guard duty had placed before him
in his holding cell.
"What's the matter with it", asked Petrelli. He was fairly new to
the Enterprise.
Elmer looked a little sheepish. "Awfuwwy sowwy, fewwows, but
you're serving me weg of wamb, and I can't eat that".
Chapter 2 27
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Why not," asked Pl'tron, a seasoned veteran of several five-year
missions for the Federation. He had dealt with many of the
galaxy's many races, but Star Fleet training had NEVER prepared him
for something like this.
"Well," said Elmer, "the fact of the matter is I'm a vegetawian -
meat is weawy bad for you, you know".
"But why", asked Petrelli, "if you believe that, why do you insist
upon hunting animals?"
"oh, I do it for the sport of it - it makes me feel powerful,
macho, stwong - wike Arnold Schwarzenegger. Not wike the way I
weawy am." Elmer had a few tears in his eyes as he said this.
"But why especially rabbits," queried Pl'tron.
"Oh, not all wabbits - I weawwy wike wabbits. It's just a
particular wabbit I hate - BUGS BUNNY! He's humiliated me ever
since 1940!
I was going to be a big star - Mr. Warner was gwooming me to be a
big weading man wike Clark Gable, wike Humphwey Bogart! And then
that wabbit had to butt in and steal the wimewight away fwom me -
weduced me to a stwaight man! A nobody!" AND I'LL GET HIM IF IT'S
THE WAST THING I DO!"
Elmer collapsed in a sobbing heap in his cage. "I'm sowwy,
fewwows. I didn't mean to yell at you - you're only doing your
job. Tell you what, could you get me a weally big bowl of cweam of
aspawagus soup".
* * * * *
Daffy and Porky were at the door of the brig. "Now, space cadet,"
said Daffy, "do you understand your part of the plan?"
"Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y why sure".
"Then make it snappy, oh portly one - we've got to make this
quick".
Porky slid slowly through the door of the brig, then inched over
until he was directly behind Petrelli and Pl'tron. Then he yelled
out -
"Yoo-ah-yoo-ah-yoo-ah- greetings! Your m-m-m-mothers wore Romulan
camouflage p-p-p-p-p-pants!"
"After him!" yelled Pl'tron. "Nobody gets away with saying those
things about my mother - even if it is true!"
With that, the two guards made chase, but Porky had a head start
and soon had them on a merry chase throughout the level.
28 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Daffy now made his way over to Elmer's cell, and, pushing the
button that turned off the force beams that pinned him inside, soon
had him a free man.
"Here's your rifle, bub", said Daffy. "Now remember your promise,
you're out to get the rabbit! After all, it's rabbit season!"
"Hh boy Oh boy, it's wabbit season. eheheheheheh". Elmer was
pleased, like Dan Quayle with a Nintendo system.
Daffy had it all figured out - Elmer would go out and create havoc
on the deck again, thereby causing Bugs and Riker to have egg on
their faces. Then, when the Borg attacked, Daffy (as DUCK DODGERS
IN THE 24 1/2 CENTURY!) would give the rallying cry, and the
Enterprise crew and the other toons aboard the ship would follow
him to victory! It was all too foolproof. Unfortunately, fools
are so ingenious...
* * * * *
"Now wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-where did those g-g-g-g-guys in the tights
g-g-g-g-go," said Porky. "I g-g-g-g-g-guess I've given them the
slip".
"Guess again".
Porky was face to face with Petrelli and Pl'tron. They had gone
around through some side halls and had now cut the porcine decoy
off from his escape route.
"Now about that crack about my mother...", said Pl'tron.
"Oh excuse me," Porky said, forcing a big smile. "I-I-I-I-I do
believe my fu-fud-fu-taffy is burning. Auf weida- auf weida-auf
weida -- toodle loo!" He made his way back towards the brig.
"After him! He's getting away!" said Pl'tron. "Set your phaser
on "stun" and try to hit him!"
"That probably won't work - he's a toon! It'll probably only
tickle," said Petrelli.
"Then set it to anvil!"
Petrilli quickly took a pencil (from where he had no idea) a drew
in the word "anvil" on a quickly drawn button on his phaser. He
then pressed the button. His phaser gave the short hum indicative
of having changed settings successfully. "How did I know to do
that ?", he wondered.
* * * * *
"Now then," said Daffy. "You know what to do - go out there and go
get those wabbits!"
Chapter 2 29
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Porky burst into the holding level. "Daffy - duck!"
"Yeth, that'th my name - I haven't forgotten it, you know".
The two guards burst into the room and let loose with their
phasers. One hit Porky straight in the head - he reeled, stated
"a-a-a-a-and the lights w-w-w- went out all over th-th-th-th-the
world", and passed out on the floor. The other phaser bolt grazed
Daffy's skull.
"Thay, what's the big idea", shouted Daffy. "What do you think
this is, duck season?"
Something inside the synapses in Elmer's brain snapped.
"Oh, boy, it's duck season! Say your pwayers, duck!"
The last thing Daffy said before Elmer pulled the trigger and
rearranged his face so that his bill and helmet had changed places
was: "mother!"
* * * * *
"Now just, I say, just a cotton-pickin' minute here, boy!"
Everyone in the brig turned and stared at the large figure in the
doorway. It was none other than Foghorn Leghorn.
"Stop all this lollygaggin' and get back to work! I'm here to
escort the prisoner to Sickbay. Come with me, Fudd."
"NO!" Daffy threw himself at the rooster's feet and grasped his
ankles in a vain attempt to prevent him from leaving.
"Now stop clinging on to me, boy. Get it? Cling? On? Klingon?
That's a joke son! Heh heh heh!"
Foghorn took both Fudd and Daffy down the hall, the latter still
attached to the rooster's ankles, leaving a trail of black
feathers.
Porky watched them go, then turned to Petrelli and Pl'tron and
confided, "Da- de-da-de-da-Duck De-da-de-Dodgers is my hero." With
a worshipful look on his pudgy little face, Porky followed the trio
to Sickbay.
Boop-bop-bop-boop, boop-BOP-bop-bop-boop...
The mynah bird inched its way down the hall to Engineering. It was
weary; a long day of eliminating non-Warner Brothers characters can
be rough on a bird. There were only two more to go.
A faint sound made the bird turn. As it grew nearer, louder, a
look of abject panic appeared on the mynah's face. He looked
30 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
around; a panel was off one of the chip banks nearby. The bird
slipped into the open cabinet and hid, cowering.
A little girl came skipping down the hallway. She wore an
expression of placid stupidity on her face, and a bow in her hair
with a gerbil skull in the center.
"Oooh! I wonder what kind of cutesy-wootsey cuddly-wuddlies I can
find here? Maybe some itsy-bitsy aliens like E.T.! I will hug
them and squeeze them and love them to DEATH! Hee hee hee hee
hee!"
When the mynah was certain that Elmyra had finally gone, he went on
his way.
* * * * *
Worf straightened his tunic and entered the conference room.
"It's about time," Riker growled. "You'd better have a good
explanation for this, Mr. Worf!"
Such disgrace, Worf thought, and opened his mouth to speak; but
before he could do so, the doors opened again to reveal Beverly
Crusher, Shelby and Elmer Fudd, now cleverly disguised as Picard in
Borg garb.
"I have a good explanation ... and am carrying out the proper
plan," Shelby retorted.
"What is this, Commander," Riker glared.
"The plan is simple, Doc. You send golden boy and turtle-head over
to the Borg ship in a shuttle with our ersatz Picard. We all know
that bad guys have tapioca for brains and always fall for cheesy
disguises, so they won't even notice a difference. You bring
Picard back here."
"And what about the shuttle's approach? Won't they see it?"
"Now boy, there you go jumping to conclusions again," said Foghorn
Leghorn as he entered the room.
"We've already planned a few distractions," Bugs added. Shelby
nodded her assent.
"It's a good plan."
"No it's not! It's a rotten plan!" Daffy finally let go of
Foghorn's ankles and jumped onto the table. It was hard not to
comment on his newly feather - less chest. "I have the one true
plan!"
Chapter 2 31
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Riker sighed and turned to Troi. "Don't look at me," she replied.
"I'm just trying to keep away from the skunk."
* * * * *
On the observation deck, Wile E. Coyote (Super Genius) noted a
wonderful phenomenon. People were talking to a lighted panel on
the wall, and getting food! He walked over and held up a sign:
Road Runner diced and served on a Roulette wheel.
Nothing happened. He tried again.
Broiled Road Runner glazed with prickly pear sauce.
Still nothing. He looked at the assembled crewmembers, wondering
which one would assist him. He was startled off his feet by a
sudden "Meep Meep!" from behind.
"One container or two?" asked the computer.
"Meep Meep!" replied the Road Runner. A container of bird seed
materialized in the replicator. The Road Runner ate swiftly, stuck
his tongue out at the coyote, and zipped away.
* * * * *
"I'm sowwy," said Elmer, "but I won't do it."
Shelby turned to face him. "But you're the only hope we have!"
"I'm sowwy," repeated Elmer. "I'm not intewested. I'm sick of the
way that I've been tweeted on this voyage so faw, and I've had
enough. I'm not gonna do it, not for you, not for the universe,
and", he glared malevolently at Bugs, "not for some scwewy wabbit."
He turned to Riker. "Pwease, Mr. Wiker, could I go back to my
cell now so I can have some peace and quiet?"
"Certainly", said Riker. He actually felt sorry for the little man
now. He now spoke into the comms system. "Mr. Pl'tron, Mr.
Petrelli, please come to the conference room and return the
prisoner to the holding cells."
"But you must," repeated Shelby. "Commander Riker, you must
convince Mr. Fudd to go on this mission!"
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" shouted Riker. "I've had it with you and your
constant meddling in the affairs of this ship and mission since the
whole thing started! In this crisis situation, what with the
capture of Captain Picard, I am the one who is in charge! And I
will not force Mr. Fudd to go on such a dangerous and foolhardy
mission if his heart isn't into it! He's right, and I don't blame
him for the way he feels!"
32 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"And neider do I", interrupted Bugs. "To tell you the truth, I
have been hard on the little nimrod lately. I'm really sorry about
all dis, Elmer".
Elmer only grumbled as a reply.
Just then Petrelli and Pl'ton entered the room. "We're ready to
escort the prisoner - should we also take the two mutineers who
tried to help him escape?"
"WHAT two mutineers ?!," exclaimed Riker.
"No! It's a lie! Porky and I were nowhere near the holding
cells!", cried Daffy. "We were only minding our own business,
waiting for a street-car, when..."
"I see," said Riker. "Well, Elmer, looks like you're going to have
company."
As they were being led away, Elmer turned. "Thanks, Mr. Wiker.
Not many people ever stand up for me and my decisions".
Shelby glared at Riker. "You fool," she snarled. "You really
don't know what you're leading this ship into. You don't realize
the folly of pitting the forces of this ship against the forces of
the Borg! You're weak, and so is this motley bunch you call your
crew! I tell you, the Borg are invincible, and my plan is the only
one that will work!"
"Invincible, schmincable", retorted Bugs. "Poisonally, I tink dis
crew, along with my friends here, will be more than an even match
for dose ashcans on dat block of cubic zirconian! And besides," he
pointed to Riker, I believe dat Riker here has shown more backbone
in dis matter than you'll ever show in your whole lifetime! At
least he doesn't stab people in the back or indulge in petty
namecalling!"
"What do you know about the Borg, you fleabitten lupine mistake
from the funny pages!" shrieked Shelby. "I'm an expert on the
matter!"
"HEY, stop callin' people names!" exclaimed a small voice from the
floor.
Shelby stopped and looked down. The author of the Cagneyian voice
was a small brown bird.
"And who", she replied haughtily, "are you?"
"I'm a chicken hawk and I hunt chickens!" said Henery. "But
that's besides the point - I wanna say that you ain't such an
expert on this matter as you say you are!"
Chapter 2 33
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Oh, said she with a condescending tone, "then what am I?"
"You're just a loud-mouth schnook!"
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shrieked Shelby. She stormed out of the
conference room.
Riker laughed. He needed to after all this pressure.
* * * * *
"Boy what a way to run a railroad", grumbled Daffy as the security
men and their prisoners made there way back to the brig.
"Oh it won't be so bad," said Elmer with a smile. "Just think of
it - no intewupptions, no pwoblems, and most of all, no more
wabbits!"
Just then Petrelli stopped. "Wait a minute", he said. "My
tricorder is picking up something ahead of us in the hall -
something large."
"Pr-pr-pr-pr-probably a major plot complication", said Porky.
He was right. Ahead of them was the faint outline glittering of
something large.
"Hey, that's a pwetty good twick, getting all that spawkly dust to
move like that," mused Elmer. "How do you do it?"
Just then the outline solidified into something more sinister, more
menacing, more ... familiar.
"BORG!" yelled Pl'tron."Sound the alarm!"
But before they could, two rays emitted from the "arms" of the
fiend and reduced the security guards to piles of ash.
"Wouldn't you know it," said Daffy."They didn't even survive until
the station break! Well, men," he said to Porky and Elmer "Looks
like it's Armageddon time! Care to go forward with DUCK DODGERS IN
THE 24th 1/2 CENTURY?"
"Sowwy", said Elmer. "I'm not getting involved."
"Ahma-Ahma-ahma-ahma geddin' outta here!" exclaimed Porky. He
swiftly ducked into a handy closet.
"Ingrateth", grumbled Daffy. "Well, it's up to me!"
He faced the Borg. "You're making the biggest mistake of your
life, you vending machine from another dimension! You'll now have
to answer to DUCK DODGERS IN THE 24th 1/2 CENTURY!"
34 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
The Borg said nothing, but extended a ray wand toward the intrepid
black duck.
"HA!" laughed Daffy, "expect to do me harm with that pop gun from
Radio Shack, eh? Well, I'm gonna pull your cork!"
The Borg fired.
For a split second, Daffy's skeletal structure lit up like the
filament in a 100 watt light bulb. His body then crumbled into a
pile of dust.
Having disposed of Daffy, the Borg now turned his attention to
Elmer, who had fainted dead away. The fiend attached electrodes to
his body and began to take readings.
"Excellent", said a very unrobot-like voice from within the unit.
"He's the perfect candidate to be assimilated - good health, very
good stamina, and most of all, not much thought process to replace
with collective thoughts. Beam him aboard, ha-ha-ha!"
Both the Borg and Elmer slowly dissolved into "spawkly dust", then
disappeared.
Porky sheepily looked outside the closet and surveyed the damage.
"Th-th-th-that voice," he said. "Wh-wh-wh-where have I heard that
voice?"
He slowly went over to the pile of dust that was once Daffy and
swept him up with a dustpan and broom he had procured from his
hiding place.
"D-d-d-don't worry, your heroship", said Porky. "I'll have you
fixed in a jiffy.
He then headed for sick bay, dustpan in hand ...
* * * * *
Chuck piloted the shuttlecraft expertly between the Enterprise's
nacelles, shielding it from the Borg's sensors. "This is getting
out of hand," he said. "I really didn't mean for it to go this
far..."
"Have you hailed them yet?" asked Friz from the rear of the
shuttlecraft.
"No," replied Chuck. "I was hoping to escape the attention of the
captain entirely."
"Then how will you get into the shuttle bay?" asked Tex from his
seat beside the bearded producer.
Chapter 2 35
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Well, I've got an eraser ... if we could somehow erase the
shuttle bay door, we could pilot in manually."
"To do that we'll have to send someone out in an environment suit."
"Yes..." replied Chuck thoughtfully. "Do we have one?"
"No."
"Well, DRAW ONE then." He handed a charcoal pencil to Tex. Tex
shrugged and bent down to draw a boot encircling his foot.
"Look!" shouted Friz. Chuck peered into the monitor in time to
see a small figure get sucked out into space.
"Oh, shoot," said Chuck. "That was one of mine, too. I still
remember drawing him..."
By this time Tex had drawn the complete suit and was preparing to
exit the shuttlecraft. "Don't forget the eraser," said Chuck.
Tex walked into the airlock and propelled himself out towards the
shuttle bay door.
* * * * *
"Where in the hell am I???" a small voice hardly heard cried.
"How did I get in such a dark place? Help me ...
skawawawawaawwawaawawk!!!"
The little mynah bird took a small jar out from his "pocket" and
smiled. The label on the jar read: non-Warner 'toons. 'Just a
few more he thought.' The bird put the jar away so he could look
for his other prey.
* * * * *
Beany and Cecil entered the Observation Lounge and crossed to the
window.
"Gee, Cece, this is the last one. It's got to work this time."
"Yeah, Beany-boy. If it doesn't, gorsh! Who knows what'll happen
to us?"
"We may as well try," Beany replied. He took a deep breath, and
began to sing...
36 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"Come on kids, let's flip our lids
Higher than the moon,
For our friends Beany and Cecil in...
"A Bob Clampett cartooooooooooooooooon!" Cecil added, then pulled the
cord and opened the drapes.
The fabric parted to reveal Bob Clampett (or a reasonable facsimile). The
sea serpent began to slurp him, so happy to see his creator that he
knocked the man's glasses off.
* * * * *
Tex started to work erasing the giant shuttle bay door. When he
had obliterated enough of it for a human to fit through, he passed
through the hole so as to take advantage of the Enterprise's
gravity.
"Hey! You in the suit! What do you think you're doing?"
It was Barclay. He reached for a phaser. Tex had to think fast.
He leaped towards Broccoli and stabbed the phaser with his eraser.
POOF! it vanished.
As Barclay stared dumbly at his hand, Tex went to work erasing
everything but his face. "Hmmm...", he mused. "Chuck'll like
this." Tex drew big green flower petals around Barclay's head,
replaced his body with a dog's, gave him a duck's feet and a long
straight tail, and drew a flag on his tail. On the flag Tex drew a
wood screw and a baseball.
With that option taken care of, Tex went to the bay console and
opened the door electronically. The NCC-1953/0, USS Schlesinger,
glided into the bay and came to rest on the painted skids.
* * * * *
"Thanks for letting me out," said Bob Clampett. "Now we have to
hurry and find the others. I think they're on the shuttle pad."
"We can't! We're afraid of the Mynah Bird!" Beany protested.
"Don't worry. Since you came out of my brain, you're technically
WB toons. Now come on!"
Cecil was about to follow when he heard a small voice calling.
"Ceeee-cillll ... this is your conscience, Ceeee-cilllll..."
"Oh my gosh! Now what?" The serpent wondered. And he'll find out
just as soon as I think of it.
Chapter 2 37
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
CARTOON PHYSICS LAWS
Contributed by Trevor Paquette & Lt. Justin D. Baldwin
1. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
second per second takes over.
2. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid
matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden
termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
3. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-
perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes
this reaction.
4. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is
greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked
it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to
capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture
it inevitably unsuccessful.
5. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to
propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky
noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion
upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the
crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or
the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,
especially when in flight.
6. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
38 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is
common as well among bodies that are spinning or being
throttled. A wacky character has the option of self-replication
only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve
the velocity required.
7. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at
least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's
surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into
this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the
wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is
ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
8. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine
lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced,
splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they
cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity,
they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
9. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies
to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the
relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
10.Those who haven't studied law are not subject thereto.
Roadrunner has not studied the Law of Gravity, and therefore
is not required to fall.
Brakes work when falling, if the toon remembers to use them.
11.All coyotes, being members of the Super Genius family (whether
they actually have any brains or not), are subject to the Law of
Gravity regardless of their education.
* * * * *
Meanwhile, a Klingon crewman came staggering through the door of
Ten-Forward. He slumped into a barstool. His eyes were crossed,
and a twittering bird was circling his head.
Guinan took a closer look. It wasn't a Klingon at all... it was
Chief O'Brien. "Miles, what happened to your head?" she asked
with concern.
"Well, you may not believe this, but there was a duck in the
corridor outside the transporter room. When I asked him his
Chapter 2 39
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
business, he invited me to sit down for a cup of tea. Then he
asked me, `One lump or two...?'"
* * * * *
Porky slowly entered the doorway of the sickbay area carrying his
precious cargo.
"Doctor Crusher? Are you h-h-h-h-h-here?"
No reply.
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-probably still at the c-c-c-conference room," said
Porky. "Oh well, let's check m-m-m-m-my first aid m-m-m-m-manual".
Reaching into his pocket, Porky pulled out a huge book of great
age. It was still slightly damp.
"Oh d-d-d-d-d-d-darn. I forgot to take it out of my pocket when I
did the wa-wa-wa-wa-laundry. Well, let's see what it says."
He opened the book, which had the title of THE ACME TOON FIRST AID
MANUAL, and began to go through the table of contents. "Let's see,
b-b-bear traps, b-b- b-b-bombs, b-b-b-b-brick walls," flicks
through a few pages, "w- w-w-w-w- woodpecker love taps," back a
few, "spinach overdose", back a few, "ah, h-h-h- h-h-here it is -
'disintegration (aka Reduced to Ashes, Friz Frizzle). Step one-
make sure subject is comfortable. Step two - b-b-beware of sudden
breezes and fans. Step three - dowse patient with a copious
quantity of pure w-w- w-w-water - don't use Perrier. Patient
should come back g-g-g-g-good as new."
Porky shut the book. "Th-th-th-there. Now all I need to do is
find some water".
He began to search the surgery, unaware that Beverly procured water
through the replicator unit in the room. "N-n-n-n-nuts. Where can
I find water - oh, there's some!"
He picked up a small beaker that Beverly had been using on a
previous patient before going to the conference room with Shelby.
He picked it up, failing to notice the label "CAUTION - SURGICAL
SYNTHEHOL". Then he went to the pan where his leader's ashes
reposed.
"W-w-w-w-well, here you are, oh g-g-g-g-great space hero-type, sir;
b-b- b-b- b-bottoms up!"
He poured the contents on the ashes - there was a giant POP, a
flash of fire and smoke - and there was Daffy.
"Oh, g-g-g-g-great conqueror of the u-u-u-u-solar system - speak to
me!" "Con-HIC!-Con-HIC!-Congradgethulationth, bub, yer a
mothhhhher" ... slurred Daffy.
40 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Just then, a voice came over the intercom - it was Bugs.
"Attention all security poisonnell and Warner Bros toons! Will you
please meet in the conference room - this is oigent!"
"Wellllll, you hhheard 'im, bub, let'th get a move-onn to that
meeting!"
Daffy started forward - and walked into the wall.
* * * * *
Wile E. Coyote was hurrying down the hall towards the conference
room, when suddenly he was grabbed from behind and begun to be
pummelled with a huge fist.
He looked at his assailant - it was a somewhat tubby sheepdog.
Wile E. now held up a sign - "In heaven's name, what ARE you doing?
And WHAT have I done to deserve this?"
The sheepdog stopped, then lifted the thatch of red hair from his
eyes. "Hey - you're not Ralph!"
Just then another coyote-like creature - practically identical to
Wile E. save for a bright red nose - came racing down the hall.
"Mornin', Sam- sorry I'm late," said Ralph Wolf. "There was a
seven car pileup on the freeway on my way to work this morning".
"That's OK, Ralph", said Sam. "Something like that always happens.
Hey, we'd better get to that meeting!"
He let go of his grip on Wile E.'s throat. "Awfully sorry of me -
mistakes do happen".
Sam and Ralph left Wile E. crumpled in a heap, their arms around
each other's shoulders in a show of manly cameraderie.
"Oh well," thought Wile E. "It could have been a lot worse - I
could've been done in by that BLEEP-BLEEP Roadrunner again".
It suddenly got a lot worse - "MEEP MEEP"!
Startled by the Roadrunner's sneaking up on him, Wile E. Rose with
a start - and got his head stuck in the intercom system -- just in
time to hear Bugs' plea for the upcoming battle strategy.
* * * * *
Wesley sat, dejected, at the desk in his quarters. "Wesley
Crusher, Boy Genius," he thought with irony. Ha. Every idea he
could come up with to fight the Borg had been shot down by the
senior officers. He was feeling pretty useless.
Just then, his door buzzed. "Come in," he called.
Chapter 2 41
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
A scruffy wolf-like creature, its nose held haughtily in the air,
strode in and presented Wesley with a letter of introduction.
"Dear Ensign Crusher," the letter read, "Allow me to present
myself. I am Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius. As a professional
courtesy to a young fellow Genius, I consent to be your guide and
mentor."
Wesley stared. The scrawny beast didn't look like a Super Genius,
but then the galaxy was full of strange-looking creatures. "What
could you possibly do to help us against the Borg?"
The coyote reached behind his back, and presented Wes with a
well-worn booklet. "ACME Mail-Order Catalog," Wesley read. He
began to leaf through the thing. With growing excitement, he
started to realize the potential of the items he saw listed in its
pages. Why, the Traveller was nothing compared to this coyote!
The everyday laws of physics were as flexible as the laws of warp
mechanics!
From behind one hairy ear, the coyote offered Wes a pencil. Wesley
started to check off the order form in the back of the booklet. "I
want this, and this, and this, and this, and definitely this!" He
handed it back to the coyote.
Before Wesley could see what had happened to the form, the door
buzzed again. "Delivery for Mr. Crusher."
* * * * *
Chuck paced back and forth. We're going to have to blend in with
the crew, but we have no uniforms."
"Draw some," suggested Friz.
Chuck drew uniforms on himself, Tex and Friz, making them all
lieutenants. They strolled over to the turbolift. "Bridge."
* * * * *
"It's soooo dark in here. Help... please help..." said a small
voice almost in despair.
"What's this?? " Donald had a small device in his hand. "OH now I
remember!!!" Said the Duck with a triumphant yell and pointed the
device to the wall that held him in.
{ZAZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPPPPP!!! BBBBBBOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!
CCCCRRRAASSSSHHHH!!}
A hole was made in the wall and Donald with all his other
non-Warner friends ran out of th hole. They grew to their normal
size when thay got out.
42 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
"There's the BIRD!!!" a 'toon screamed.
"I got you now!!! Squkaakakkakakak!!!" Donald aimed the phaser at
the bird.
Suddenly the 'toons started to here some music. "Oh no you
don't!!" Donald screamed and fired the phaser and shot the bird.
Of course you can't kill a 'toon like that, but after that the
Mynah Bird decided to go somewere else to fight non-Warner 'toon
were there would not be this much trouble!
* * * * *
In the conference room, Bugs was struggling with a desperation he
had never known throughout his long career. The short red-haired
Toon girl didn't seem like much - he recalled his one-time student
Buster Bunny calling her "a pushover" - but somehow, she had an
iron grip whenever her hands touched her. How could he stop the
Borg when he couldn't stop this fugitive from a grade school?
"Gee, Mr. Bunny Wunny, you're so cute and cuddly ... and furry
and fuzzy...I wanna go to the replicator and make you the biggest
mud pie in the whole wide world!" Elmyra smiled the smile only
worn by mentally vacant Toon villains.
Bugs looked around the conference room with desperation. None of
the other animal Toons were willing to help him. He understood ...
if the situation were reversed, he wouldn't, either. It was up to
him...
"There's somethin' even more cuddly and cute den a Bunny Wunny,
Elmyra..." Bugs managed to squeak out of the death grip around his
throat.
Elmyra's grip slackened, and Bugs fell to the deck. With her eyes
wide open, and her jaw slack, she said, "There IS???"
Gasping for breath, Bugs managed to utter ... "A Borg. And dere's
a whole shipload of 'em out dere."
The little girl's eyes bugged out. "A Borgy-Worgy!" She jumped up
and down, the glee of the damned in her eyes. "A cute, fuzzy,
Borgy-Worgy! Can I go over and get one now? I'll fill him full of
his favorite huffy-wuffy foods!"
Bugs smiled, as he mentally pictured Elmyra trying to put a diaper
on one of the cyborg creatures. Should be fun.
* * * * *
Elmyra vs the Borg.
No. It's too cruel. Not even the Borg deserve this...
* * * * *
Chapter 2 43
U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-D
Intentionally Left Blank
44 Bugs Bunny vs. The Borg!
