[STILL: We see Ranma and Akane in the dojo, frozen in the middle of an
argument. ACTION: We see Ranma and Akane arguing without sound. As
Akane raises her mallet to whap him, suddenly he turns and leaves. We
see Ranma yelling at his dad and Mr. Tendo, also silently. Cut to a
scene of Ranma packing as various people yell at him. Cut to a shot of
Ranma running down a road with a mob chasing him. Cut to a shot of Ranma
in some cheap hotel. He has put his pack on the bed and is holding ice
to his head. Suddenly, gas shoots out the air conditioning. Ranma tries
to leap out the window, but bounces off it. Gas fills the room. Cut to
Ranma awakening in the same room.]
Ranma: [clutches his head] What a messed up dream. [looks around] Why
the hell would the staff of some hotel want to gas me anyway? I must be
getting paranoid. [pauses] Unless Kodachi owns this place...No, I'd be
in a Tuxedo waiting for the wedding to start.
[Faint Oompah music begins to drift through the window.]
Ranma: [goes and takes a shower, then returns and gets dressed] Time
for me to go.
[He opens the door and steps out onto the porch of his motel. However,
to his surprise, the highway and strip mall across the street are
gone...replaced by an odd jumble of buildings ranging from a duplicate of
the Imperial Temple in Kyoto to an exact duplicate of the Tokyo Tower,
all arranged around a large park/plaza. STILL: RANMA freezes in shock.]
************************************************************
THE PRISONER 1/2
By John Biles
Based on Ranma 1/2 and The Prisoner
"001: ARRIVAL"
**************************************************************
[STILL: Ranma is standing near a person selling newspapers, hotdogs, and
ski caps from a yatai. The SALESMAN is dressed as a Samurai and wearing
a blue button with a red #67 embossed on it over an embossed yellow mallet.
ACTION: The seller looks over at Ranma.]
Salesman: Hotdog?
Ranma: Yes, it is. [pauses] Where am I? I seem to be lost.
Salesman: [looks at Ranma] Yes, you are.
Ranma: Where am I?
Salesman: In the village.
Ranma: Where?
Salesman: In the Village. Sorry, forgot to capitalize it.
Ranma: [blinks] Oh. Umm. Is there a phone somewhere?
Salesman: Yes.
Ranma: [waits for a better answer] Where is there a phone?
Salesman: Which one?
Ranma: The NEAREST one.
Salesman: [pulls one out of his yatai] Here ya go.
Ranma: [picks up the phone and starts to dial, then pauses] Wait, who
am I calling, anyway?
Operator: [over the phone] That's my line!
Ranma: Oh, sorry...what did I dial 1?
Operator: Who would you like to speak to?
Ranma: Where am I?
Operator: In the Village.
Ranma: Which village?
Operator: Village, not village.
Ranma: ?
Operator: I suggest you talk to #2. They live in the Green Onion.
Ranma: They live in a green onion?
Operator: Well, James made off with the Giant Peach and...look, just go
to the big green dome building.
Ranma: Uh, thanks.
Operator: Be seeing you!
[Ranma heads across a the park area, past the jug band that is playing
there, to a huge green domed building that is painted to look like an
onion. The front door opens into a short hallway and opens out into a
green room with a big rotating chair that looks like a cracked open egg.
A moustachioed man is sitting in the chair, playing shogi with a bald,
burly man with glasses.]
Ranma: Pop? Mr. Tendo?
#2A: [the one who looks like Soun] Ahh, there you are.
#2B: [the one who looks like Genma] Yes, we've been expecting you.
Ranma: What have you gotten us into this time?
#2A: I'm afraid you've gotten yourself into this.
#2B: Why did you storm out of the dojo?
Ranma: Hey, I had my reasons! I've had enough of this whole business!
#2A: [shakes his head] That won't do.
#2B: Not at all.
#2A: If you were going to just leave, you'd have done it a long time ago.
#2B: Like the first time Akane beat you up.
Ranma: What is this, tag-team interrogation? Not to mention you're
acting so rational...
#2A: That's my job.
#2B: And mine.
Ranma: [suspiciously] Who are you?
#2A: I am #2A.
#2B: And I am #2B. You are #6 1/2.
#6 1/2: I am not a number!
#2A: Everyone is a number, here in the village. So, why did you leave
the Dojo, #6 1/2?
#6 1/2: I'm not telling you nothing until you let me GO! Where the hell
am I?
#2B: In the Village.
#2A: In the Village.
#6 1/2: Is there an echo in here?
#2A: There is no echo.
#2B: There is no echo.
#6 1/2: [turns to go] I'm outta here! I don't have time for this!
#2A: You will tell us why you left.
#6 1/2: You can't MAKE ME! [storms out]
#2B: By hook or by crook, we will.
#2A: [gets out the phone] #10, have an observer assigned to #6 1/2 and
make sure he wears his button.
[While he is busy, #2B is moving the shogi pieces around. Dissolve to
next scene.]
*************************************************************************
[Still: A store, crammed full of tons of kinds of stuff, from food to
books to stuffed wombats. The shopkeeper is the same guy we saw running
the yatai earlier, but now he is dressed as a Renaissance nobleman.
Action: #6 1/2 enters.]
#6 1/2: Do you have a...hey, do I know you?
Salesman: No, of course not.
#6 1/2: Do you have any maps for sale?
Salesman: [holds up a map of the Jyusenkyo pools] Very tragic map.
Only 5 cr...
#6 1/2: No, I mean maps of here.
Salesman: [holds up a map of the story] This will cost you one cr...
#6 1/2: I mean of Japan, showing where this Village is.
Salesman: We're not on maps of Japan.
#6 1/2: How about a map of the Village and its environs?
Salesman: Ahh. [pulls out a map of the Village and its environs. It
shows the Village well, but the area beyond the village is labled with
things like 'Some mountains', 'Ocean', and 'here be Dragons'.] This will
cost you...
#6 1/2: No, I need a map showing how to get to Tokyo!
Salesman: You can't get there from here.
#6 1/2: Well, where can I go?
Salesman: I understand they're showing Seven at the Village theatre, you
could check that out.
#6 1/2: No, I mean what's the nearest town?
Salesman: You can't leave town, if that's what you want.
#6 1/2: Whaddya mean I can't leave?
Salesman: No one leaves.
#6 1/2: Whatever. I'm outta here.
[He storms off.]
Salesman: Be Seeing You.
[Dissolve to next scene.]
**************************************************************************
[We see #6 1/2 storm back into his room. His pack is gone. There is a
button on the bed, with the number 6 1/2 on it. There is a note.]
Note: Took your pack for disintegration. Here's your button. Wear it
or else.
#6 1/2: Bunch of bastards...Oh well, nothing I can't replace. I'm outta
here.
[He storms out. Dissolve to next scene.]
***************************************************************************
[Still: A rocky, forested hillside, with scattered busts of the
Principal, Immanuel Kant, Julius Caesar, Oliver Cromwell, Oliver Stone,
Elvis, and Bob Dole everywhere. Action: #6 1/2 is making his way
through the forest.]
#6 1/2: Who's the weirdo who put a statue every ten feet? [trips over a
Madonna bust] Oww!
[Cut to the Observation room. #2A and #2B are here.]
#10: [bears a suspicious resemblance to Daisuke] He's heading for the
outer perimeter.
#2A: Should we?
#2B: Yes.
#2A: Do you even have any idea what I'm suggesting?
#2B: No.
#2A: Send a squad of our best men.
[Cut to the forest. Three cars full of men in kabuki outfits leap out.
#6 1/2 ignores them.]
#6 1/2: [trips over a bust of Cologne. It breaks open revealing a
camera.] Ahh, so NABIKI set up these statues.
Goon #56: You're coming with us.
#6 1/2: [ignores him and keeps walking] Well, I doubt this footage will
sell for much.
Goon #56: STOP! You aren't wearing your button and this zone is restricted.
[steps in front of #6 1/2, who simply walks into him, then knocks him
down and tramples on him.]
Goon #235: You know, we probably shouldn't have worn these outfits...
[They all rush #6 1/2, who defeats all three carloads in about 10 seconds.]
#6 1/2: [pauses] Did I just fight something?
[Cut to the Observation room.]
#10: He defeated them all.
#2A: Send a squad of our best women.
[Cut to the forest. Three carloads of women show up.]
#6 1/2: Hey, I don't fight women!
#233: I know.
[They mob #6 1/2 and drag him back to the Village into his room. They
then strip him naked, dress him in fresh underwear, and a bathrobe, then
pen his button in place. They then take his clothing and run off
with it laughing manically.]
#6 1/2: ...
[The phone rings. For lack of anything better to do, #6 1/2 answers it.]
#2A: [on the phone] Ready to tell us yet?
#6 1/2: Hey, I want my clothing back!
#2B: You won't get it!
#2A: You will not leave the Village until you tell us why you left the Dojo.
#6 1/2: Hmph. I'm leaving even if I have to wear a stupid bathrobe.
[#6 1/2 hangs up and heads out of his room, across the plaza and down a
long stone stairway with 99 steps to the beach. There is a huge stone
boat labeled, 'the Minnow' on the beach. He storms out and dives into
the water, instantly turning female. Cut to the Observation room.]
#2A: Do you think we should...
#2B: Yes.
#2A: Paint you blue and spraypaint your head?
#2B: No.
#2A: Right. We'll send Rover after him, then.
[Split screen of the Observation room and a 20' tall version of Snoopy's
doghouse. A metal grating opens ominously...Cut to the sea, where #6
1/2-chan is swimming.]
#6 1/2-chan: Oy, this water is cold. At least this bathrobe seems to be
holding up. You'd almost think they anticipated this.
[Very LOUD splashing sounds behind #6 1/2-chan]
#6 1/2-chan: [turns her head to look. A giant robot white cat is
swimming after her.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The cat is too fast. It swims up, grabs her by the scruff of her neck
with her teeth and hauls her back to shore, dumping her on the beach,
sprawled out with her hands in demon ward sign poses.]
#2A: She's going to be a tough nut to crack.
#2B: We could use a nutcracker. That would help.
[#2A mallets #2B. Fade to black.]
[End Episode #001]
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu bailesu@komodo.hacks.arizona.edu
http://www.hacks.arizona.edu/~bailesu/falcon.html
P-chan ran across the field and hopped into Akane's dreams. She
snuggled her little pet. "I love you, P-chan, especially with a little
apple in your mouth and that special sauce Ukyou makes." They cooked
P-chan over an open fire and made special okonomiyaki out of him. And
all was good.
--Draft of Lemon Sherbet, Episode 12