On Sat, 9 Nov 1996, Richard Lawson wrote:
: Akane looked down. "I need to explain this to you, Kentaro-san. Need to tell
: you what happened. We walked back down the mountain, and Ranma stayed in a
: state of shock. He kept rubbing his lips and staring off into space.
:
: "When we got to the motel, he and I shut ourselves in his room and talked. He
: tried kissing me again. He didn't shudder, but he didn't exactly get into it,
: either."
Ahh, *much* better. This certainly makes everything clearer than
the first draft.
I haven't yet read all of this monster, I just paged forward to the
ending, because that's the part I had the most problems with. I've
got to say that this is a *lot* better now. Except...
: He told me that sometimes, when he kissed me,
: his mind held an image of two women kissing, and it turned him off.
Doesn't make sense. No sense at all. It contradicts just about
everything he said about his gender identity.
Explain it to me, Richard. I'm sure you can.
All the rest of the expanded scenes wor perfectly for me. I see I
guessed right about Ranma's feelings and motivations, so they must
have been in the first draft *somehow*, but it certainly is clearer
now. Normally I am against spelling out *everything* but I felt
the strong need for further explanation regarding Ranma's changed
feeligs towards Akane - this does beautifully.
: I'm disappointed in you, Kentaro. Really, what possible reason could I
: have for bringing Nyannichuan back with me? So I could curse someone out
: of spite?"
: "Nannichuan. And oh my, what a difference a letter makes."
I see you learned to spell, Richard. ;)
OK, before I dive into the C&C that you got on this one (I see
there are some messages from Kun-chan... What octave is your voice
now, Richard?) I'll state my own impression, mostly based on the
draft I read.
I like this story. I found it entirely believable, well-
constructed and moving. Some may shout "OOC", but I can only pity
those, since they have obviously no understanding of the term
"thought experiment". This is a *What-If-Story*. "*What if* Ranma
was OOC in this and that way?", "*What if* he got locked in female
form?", "*What if* he wouldn't listen to Akane and ran away to
sulk?", "*What if* the person who gets him to move on, out of his
self-pity, was a man who is attracted to her femal body?" Once you
accept the premises, everything follows logically without violating
the set parameters.
That's what makes a fic good: A gripping story and a smooth and
internally consistent presentation.
Sebastian