OH NO, Now I'm doing it too...


On Mon, 11 Nov 1996, Doug Murphy wrote:

	


	Usually mornings are a time to be happy, to glory in the renewal
of the heat and light that brings life to the planet, warms the skin, and
strength to the heart.  It is time to look above, and see the birds
trilling in concert, making nature all that more amazing for some of it to
have survived in the jungle of concrete and the sea of pollution that was
the modern city of Tokyo.  The renewal of life should have been what
mattered most.

First line, are doesn't seem right, try were, as follows, and see if you like 
it better.
Usually mornings were a time to be happy, to ...
	

	[Bear in mind, this is all MHO.]  

  Also, in the second and third lines, "... the heat and light that 
brings life to the planet, warms the skin, and strength to the heart."
  The last two parts of this sentence, warms skin and strength heart, 
seem awkward. Strength to the heart definitly refer back to brings, yet 
warms the skin doesn't. Other possible way to frame this...

   1. "... brings life to the planet, warms the skin, and strengthens the 
heart."
   2. "... brings life to the planet, warmth to the skin, and strength to 
the heart."
   3. "... brings life to the planet, strength to the heart, and warms 
the skin."

  (Personally, I don't like #3 either)

Now I'll step down from my soapbox, ( and believe me, there was much more 
I wanted to say, however I don't think the ML wants to hear a lecture on 
my ideas of sentence flow. In fact, I think I restrained myself 
admirably. |^) Cookies and milk all roun... whoops, out of cookies. Ummm.. 
how about a hot bowl of ramen all round? ) and get back to reading all 
the stories on the ML I don't have time to read. And should I ever pound 
out this story rattlin' round in MY head, you'll all see that 1) I can't 
tell a good story. 2) The first revision will have only the vaguest 
resemblance to the original. (Hell, I've already removed two scenes from 
part one and changed the relationship between two major characters and I 
haven't even STARTED writing it yet.) 3) Yes, I am a giant raving Ranma 
fan. :)

Oh, By the way, Great Story, I love it, keep it coming, and a hearty 
second to all the other nice comments about it that I delete without reading.

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