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From: 	Doug Murphy
Sent: 	Monday, November 11, 1996 1:05 AM
To: 	Hitomi Ichinohei
Cc: 	fanfic@fanfic.com
Subject: 	RE: [FFML] System Crash



For this review I will use the 'Read N' Trash' method, where I read it, and 
note corrections to be made as I go along.  This should greatly enhance my 
notice for grammatical errors, as i dont do a 2 second skim for them.  Hitomi 
seems to want EVERY error pointed out, and I can oblige.

	Akane was having none of it, she was extremely embarrassed, very
angry and was feeling very betrayed.  How, could the girl she had spent
the afternoon with, the girl who she had shared thing with, things that
she wouldn't have told a boy do this to her.  How could Ranma turn out to
be a boy!

She asked a question on that last line, that was also meant to be an 
anger-filled thought.  Maybe you could go "How could Ranma turn out to be a 
boy?!" instead.

	


Ranma for his part was staring at Akane, not knowing what to say
or what to do.  She was rather cute, wearing that pink night gown, but
they way she was staring at him, the way she had reacted, he knew that she 
felt like he was the scum of the earth.

Third line; the was misspelled they.

	


	
	He himself was one, being not only the guide, but the caretaker of
Jusenkyo.  Looking back, he noted the two.  Like others who had come here 
before them, they were martial artist.  People who had come to the
accursed area in search of knowledge or power.  Power which was hidden
away and could never truly be released without dire consequences, and
others had learned.

Fifth line, at the end.  and should probably be as, see below

Power which was hidden away and could never truly be released without dire 
consequences, as others had learned.

	



Genma looked out at all of the pools, seeing nothing that special
as had been advertised by that hard to find guide book.  His face
hardened, they had made the journey here barefoot as usual in order to
train, and train they were, no mater the state of the training area.  "Are
you prepared, Ranma?"

Fourth line.  "and train they were"  This should probably be "And train they 
would"  were would indicate present or past, would would indicate future.

	"Six:  Ranma gets to stay here for the next five years, even if we
throw his father out."

.

Hehe...

	


	Usually mornings are a time to be happy, to glory in the renewal
of the heat and light that brings life to the planet, warms the skin, and
strength to the heart.  It is time to look above, and see the birds
trilling in concert, making nature all that more amazing for some of it to
have survived in the jungle of concrete and the sea of pollution that was
the modern city of Tokyo.  The renewal of life should have been what
mattered most.

First line, are doesn't seem right, try were, as follows, and see if you like 
it better.
Usually mornings were a time to be happy, to ...
	
Sorrry if it seems I'm nitpicking, but I am trying to give you what you 
wanted, in your case, the writing is excellent, all I can really do now is sit 

back and point out TINY errors

Draxon Review Corner Operating System Ver. 1.4
Loading Alternate History of Ranma 1/2 Part two...
Initializing Review Process... 

Story: 8.9  This was excellent.  I am now seeing some of the alternate part 
show, albeit in small places, I liked it.  The changes are large and well 
noticable, although not out of the scope for the characters involved. The note 

about Ryouga was nice as well, it added a little depth in Ranma's history. 
(Which i believe everyone knows by heart by now, but hey, it works!) 

Characters: 9.1  I liked how Akane and Ranma didn't suddenly become worst 
enemies when they were engaged, but worked together to maintain control over 
their lives.  It seemed a lot more realistic to me, and also served to make 
them seem more human, instead of the classic egotistical Ranma Vs. the 
Stubborn and uncute Akane, we have intelligent characters that readers will no 

doubt prefer over the standard for some time to come.

Grammer. 8.7  This was not bad, the number of errors I noticed was small (in 
comparison to some other stuff I have read).  I believe i went through grammer 

rather thoroughly just above the scoring section...

Descriptions 9.4 This is your greatest asset, in the first part I attributed 
the colorfulness and realness of everything to my exact knowledge of what was 
going to happen;  I take that back now (Did i even say that in the review?).  
The writing is very clear, and all of the scenes were very real to me as I 
read.

Originality: 9.3 Going up 3.3 points seems to be a great improvement.  Simple 
changing a few things made this fic shine, and were covered in both characters 

and story.

Fun Factor: 9.5  Note that fun-factor does not nessicarily mean laughs, it 
means how much I liked the strory as a whole.  This was excellent.  I will 
read (and enjoy) part 3 tomorrow, all while providing you with much needed ego 

boosts.



Umm...  I can't seem to (coughs) ahem, find my calculator, and my brain is 
FRIED right now from being up too late, so someone just add up all of the 
scores, and devide by the number of catagories to get my Overall rating.

Until tomorrow, Hitomi Ichinohei!  We at the Draxon Review Corner will be 
busily preparing ourselves, and will give you another high quality review! 
Once again, good night, from the DRAXON REVIEW CORNER  (News broadcast music 
begins to play)