".  .  ."  Ukyou watched from the sidelines, beginning to fume at the
closeness of the two, <What's going on here?>
   Akane's eyes sparkled as they met with Ranma's, "Yes... Ranma?"
   "I... I..."
   Ukyou growled low, preparing her spatula.
   "I want you to cook for me tonight, Akane!"
   Ukyou fell to the floor with an audible *wham!*
   Akane's eyes glistened, becoming bright and cheery, "Oh Ranma, do you
mean it?  You really want me to cook for you?"
   Ranma nodded, "Yes, a full meal, enough to feed the family!  I want you
to do it all yourself!  Nothing compares to your cooking, Akane!"
   Ukyou thought as she dragged herself up off the floor, <Now THERE'S an
understatement.>
   "Yes Ranma, I'll cook for you!"
   Ranma glomped Akane, "Oh thank you!  I was hoping you'd say yes!"
   Ukyou paced over to Ryouga, who'd been staring at the scene on the other
side of the stage.  She elbowed him to snap him out of his stupor, "What do
you make of that, Ryouga?"
   Ryouga barely managed, "Either Ranma has completely flipped..."
   Ukyou continued Ryouga's sentence, "... or this is just..."
   They both spoke together as it dawned on them, "... the introduction to
the opposite sketches."  They both just shook their heads, still in
disbelief.
                                   ---
   Gosunkugi hung quietly by his chains in the dungeon.  He'd been here
about a week or so now.  He'd worked hard to get here, after all, not just
ANYONE got to be chained up and tossed in a dungeon these days.  It had
taken weeks of stalking Akane before he was finally caught and thrown in
here.  He didn't really want to stalk her, but this seemed like the easiest
way to get to this lovely prison.
   Gosunkugi sighed blissfully, until he heard the rattling of keys.
Suddenly, the iron door swung open to reveal a strange man with tan skin,
Hawaiian clothes, and a palm tree which seemed to be growing out of the top
of his head.  Gosunkugi's large eyes centered on him as he managed,
"A-ano... ?"
   Kouchou announced loudly, "HELLO MY STUDENT!"
   Gosunkugi just blinked.
   "I'm here to tell you that as of today, you are free to continue your
stalking of Akane!" the strange man beamed brightly.
   "But... but..."
   Kouchou marched up to Gosunkugi and unlocked the chains.  He set the boy
down and pushed him for the door, "Now, go out and stalk Akane!  I've
declared it a school sport!  And now, it's mandatory!  To think we put you
down here for doing what was inevitably right all along."
   Unable to think of much else, the pale boy just stammered, "But I...
I... I don't want to..." he sighed, there was no way out of it.
   Kouchou pushed him out the door, handing him a camera, "Now go!"
   Slumping, Gosunkugi dragged himself off in search of Akane... as he did,
he tried desperately to think up something new he could do that would
return him to the lovely, dim, damp dungeon he'd grown so fond of.
   "Nice kid." Kouchou muttered as he locked the chains in place on himself...
                                   ---
   The classroom was a madhouse!  Everyone was either drawing, sleeping,
eating, or playing various loud and obnoxious games.  Everyone, that is,
accept Ranma and Akane who were totally attentive.  Hinako-sensei scanned
the room and noticed this, "Saotome!  Tendou!  What do you think you're
doing?"
   Akane blinked, "We're learning, Hinako-sensei."
   Ranma nodded in agreement, "There's nothing more interesting than your
long, droning lectures, Hinako-sensei!  Who knows all the wild and
fascinating things we'd miss out on if we didn't give you our complete and
undivided attention!  I rather enjoy listening to you recite the many
splendored complexities of various forms of mold and other fungi..."
   "Hai!  And all the wonderful English phrases you teach us, such as 'Hey,
I did not eat your dog' or 'My Mom has many varied styles of panties'...
it's wonderfully interesting and I can't bring myself to tear my attention
from you, Hinako-sensei!" Akane beamed brightly as a good student should.
   Hinako fumed, "No!  No!  No!  You're supposed to ignore me!  Just like
everyone else!" the young girl hopped down off her step-stool and literally
skittered over to Ranma and Akane, her feet moving too fast to be seen,
"Are you TRYING to get me mad?!"
   A paper airplane flew through the air, it was accompanied by wild
laughter as the projectile landed neatly in Hinako's hair.  A small group
of students had collected in on corner for a rather interesting game of
Truth or Dare, while others had all but taken over the chalk board and were
drawing various unflattering renditions of the sensei.
   "See?  These other naughty students are behaving EXACTLY how I want them
to!" she poked Ranma in the chest and scowled at Akane, "Now, you run along
and be good little delinquents!"  Hinako-sensei pushed the two out of their
chairs and shoved them towards the door.
   Ranma protested, "Ano na!  I wanna stay and learn things!"
   "Me too!  Hinako-sensei, please!"  Akane added to Ranma's voice, but it
was to no avail.  She found herself shoved out the door along with Ranma.
   Hinako called out after them, "You two delinquents have fun ditching!"
she waved and giggled as she slammed the door.  She hopped back to her
podium and cleared her throat, "Hello, happy delinquents!  Everyone show me
what a good time you're having in class!"
   Various balls of paper pelted the young instructor.
                                   ---
   Ranma-chan giggled as she tried on her brand new Summer dress: a
beautiful, pink piece with white frilly lace and cute, puffy sleeves.  She
did a graceful twirl as she admired herself in her personal vanity mirror.
"Wai!  It's so me!"
   Kasumi appeared in the doorway, her gentle smile in place as always,
"Ranma, you have a guest.  Shall I tell her to come up?"
   "Yeah!  Let her up.  I want to show off my new dress!" Ranma-chan
absolutely beamed at Kasumi, "Since Ryouga isn't around to show it to, and
I couldn't find Kunou anywhere!"
   Kasumi's expression remained unchanged, "Okay Ranma.  I'll send her up."
she turned and started away, then paused and looked back, "You look very
beautiful today, Ranma."
   Ranma-chan clasped her hands together, ecstatic, "Oh, Kasumi, you really
think so?"  her voice filled with delight.
   Kasumi nodded, and smiled, "Oh yes, very."  she bowed slightly and
headed out to meet with the guest.
   Ranma-chan's eyes sparkled, she skipped about playfully, donning a
red straw hat to finish off the Summer attire, "Perfect!"
   The door creaked open to reveal Shampoo, bounded in cheerfully, "Ni-HAO
Ranma-san!  Shampoo have good news for you!!"
   Ranma-chan blinked at Shampoo, <Ranma-san?  What's up with Shampoo?
She's acting funny.>
   Shampoo smiled, "Shampoo have news for Ranma-san.  Shampoo find out she
really love Mousse-kun!  Shampoo MARRY Mousse-kun soon!"
   Ranma blinked again.  She didn't seem too startled by this, "That's
great news, Shampoo... but we all knew it was inevitable.  You and Mousse
are perfect together!"
   "Oh Ranma!  You so smart!" she glomped to Ranma-chan suddenly and
giggled happily, "Oh!  Shampoo almost forget!  Great-Grandma sent Shampoo
to give you this!"  she pulled a small package from her cleavage.
   Ranma-chan stepped over to Shampoo curiously, "What's that, Shampoo?"
she inquired, poking at the package apprehensively.
   "Oh!  This boy-cure!  Freeze-dried Nanniichuan!  Great-Grandma say it
nice gesture to bring to you!  It permanent cure!"  the Amazon giggled and
began to shove the package into Ranma-chan's hands, "For you, Ranma!
Because you good friend!"
   Ranma-chan gasped!  She backed away, shoving the package back, "And give
up my curse??  NEVER!"
   Shampoo blinked, then nodded with a smile, "Shampoo understand!  Shampoo
go dump silly cure in trash now!  Ranma-san much MUCH happier in
girl-form!"
   Ranma-chan blinked slowly as Shampoo skipped back out the door, closing
it behind her.
   A minute passed, Ranma-chan blinked some more, then suddenly erupted,
"Who the HELL wrote this stupid skit?!  Who's stupid idea was this?!"  thus
signalling the end of the opposites.  Ranma-chan stormed out of her room and
onto the backstage set fuming!  She looked around, "Who wrote that?!"
   Ryouga snickered off to the side somewhere, "Getting in touch with your
'feminine' side, Ranma?"  he then proceeded to bust up laughing!
   Ranma-chan growled, "Ryouga!  You jerk!"  she bolted after the eternally
lost boy... who was lost within a minute of taking off down a studio
hallway.
   Mousse watched the two disappear down a corridor and chuckled lightly to
himself, "I won't mention what part *I* had in that skit, heh..."  he
paused at a light tapping on his shoulder.  Very slowly, Mousse turned
around and feared the worst, with good reason.  His vision was greeted by
an infuriated Shampoo, then soon after, a set of dainty knuckles...
                                   ---
   Ryouga paced out onto the opening set and spun on his heel.  He wagged a
finger at something off stage and yelled, "Oh no you don't, I'm not falling
for that trick again!  I won't say it!"
   Ranma strolled out casually and shrugged, "Ryouga, I'm not trying to
trick you into anything.  It was an honest question, really."
   "I'm not going to say it!  Now go away, Ranma!"
   Akane watched from just off-stage.  After a bit of thinking, she finally
made her way to the two arguing boys, "What's going on?"  she looked back
and forth between the them,  "Ranma, are you picking on Ryouga again?!  You
shouldn't bully people weaker than you!"
   Ryouga sighed, <Akane's defending me...> he blinked then frowned, <wait,
what does she mean... 'weaker'?>, "Er... Akane-san..."  came his rather
meek response.
   Ranma crossed his arms over his chest and said plaintively, "I just
asked him a simple question, I didn't think he was so stupid he could
answer it!"
   Ryouga balled his fists and seethed, "How DARE you, Ranma?!  Calling
me stupid!  I know the answer, I'm just not saying it!"  he hmphed in
Ranma's direction and furrowed his brow, "I'm no idiot, I won't fall for
that twice."
   Puzzled, Akane looked to Ranma, "What was the question, Ranma?"
   "What covers over 90 percent of the Earth's surface?"
   Ryouga sulked, "See?"
   Akane thought a moment, then nodded, "I see."
  "Come on!"  Ranma pulled out a script and pointed, "Look at the script!
It says he's supposed to say this line here!"
   Akane leaned over Ranma's shoulder and squinted at the text, "Which line?"
   He poked the page again, "That one."
   "Why is the text so small?  I can't read it.  What's he supposed to say?"
   Ryouga leaned over to look at the script, too.
   "Look, Akane, it's right here:  Ryouga nods to Ranma and says 'Duh, the
Earth's covered in Wat-*'" Ranma sighed as the inevitable happened.  Water
poured down, thoroughly soaking him, er, her.  She paused a moment, then
looked downward almost dejectedly and finished her sentence, "*-er."
Ranma-chan looked upwards, then growled angrily, once again trapped in a
more feminine form.  She tossed the script down in disgust and turned to
glare at the now giggling Akane, "You did that on purpose."
   Akane tried to stifle her laughter and managed only a nod.
   Ryouga beamed at Akane, then snickered at Ranma, "You know you had that
coming, Ranma!" he smiled at Akane again, "That was pretty cunning,
Akane-san."
  Akane nodded to Ryouga, "It was too easy." and laughed a bit more at
Ranma-chan's expense, "I can't believe you did that... and you were calling
Ryouga-kun dense."
   Ranma-chan peered at both of them and opened her mouth to speak, but
before she could utter a single word, a voice in the distance cried out,
"PRETTY LADY!"  which caused her to spin in place, searching for it's
source.
   Seconds passed as Ranma-chan continued to scan... and no one even saw
the old man approach, but there he was.  Happousai appeared out of nowhere
and CLUNG tenaciously to Ranma-chan's bosom, wailing out, "Ranma-chan!!
It's so nice of you to comfort an old man in his time of need!"  He stayed
permanently in place and squeezed a bit, nuzzling her lovingly.
   Ryouga and Akane stared.  Unable to contain it, Ryouga fell over
laughing!!  Akane looked like she wanted to say something, but thought
better of it.
   Ranma-chan SHRIEKED!  Trembling with anger, the soaked girl fumed,
"Dirty old man, GET OFFA ME!"  and pounded on Happousai's head with little
to no effect.   "AARRG!!"  unable to pry the little man off, she fled the
set screaming!
   Ryouga just rolled with laughter!
   Akane shrugged and muttered, "Serves him right, baka."
                                   ---
      The shot panned in on a familiar row of standard grey, tall lockers.
Oh no, it's... the rest of the locker skits.
-
   A locker door swung open, a cute, purple-haired girl leaned out, "Hey
Mousse..."
   "Yes Shampoo?" came the response of the long-haired, robed young man who
now gazed lovingly over at Shampoo.
   Shampoo smiled sweetly at Mousse, "Shampoo still have to thank you for
helping write skit where Shampoo say she marry you!"
   Mousse's glasses fogged up noticeably, "Really?  You mean it?"  he beamed!
   She nodded, "Shampoo mean it."  she stepped out of her locker and walked
over to Mousse's.  Gently, she pushed Mousse inside and the door swung
shut.  *SLAM*
   Seconds passed in silence, then suddenly there was a loud CRASH!
Followed by multiple pounding sounds.  The door swung open again and a
cloud of dust rolled from the locker as Shampoo stepped out, "Shampoo no
marry stupid Mousse!  Shampoo marry Ranma!"  she slammed the door shut and
stomped back to her locker, yanking the door closed behind her.  *SLAM*
-
   There was a giggle as a door creaked open and Ukyou leaned out, "Hey
Akane..."
   Another door opened and Akane popped out, "Yes Ukyou?"
   "Is it my imagination, or are you gaining weight?"
   Akane scowled, "Don't even start that!!" and pulled her door shut. *SLAM*
   Ukyou smiled, now chuckling, "Yeah, that's what I thought." and
disappeared back in her locker. *SLAM*
-
   Akane poked her head back out, "Hey Ukyou..."
   Ukyou's door opened again, "Yes Akane?"
   Akane sneered slightly, still irritated by the earlier remark, "You
know, If you didn't dress like a guy, people wouldn't keep mistaking you
for one."
   "At least I'm dressed like a guy when they mistake me for one.  What's
your excuse?"
   Akane blinked, then growled, "Oh, that was low."
   Ukyou nodded, looking smug, "And it was too easy." she laughed, pulling
her door closed again.  *SLAM*
   Akane began to glow red, her gaze turned to the cameraman, "Don't I get
any cool comebacks on this show?!" she sulked and yanked her door shut.
*SLAM*
-
   From somewhere off the set came a familiar cry, "What a haul!  What a haul!"
   Shortly after, a tiny old man bounded into the scene.  On his back was a
massive bag of what could only be panties, judging by the undergarments
which fluttered from small holes in the fabric.
   He rushed for a locker, opened it, and disappeared within, bag and all.
The door closed behind him.  *SLAM*
   Close behind the little pervert was a large group of fukued girls who
stormed in, YANKED open the door, and piled into the old man's locker,
screaming death threats as they went.  Again, the door slammed shut.
*SLAM*
   Soon after that, al the girls in the other lockers appeared, rushing
Happousai's locker.  Akane and Ukyou chorused, "You little pervert!" as the
stormed said locker, followed by Kodachi, Shampoo, and Azusa.  The door
slammed shut yet again. *SLAM*
   There was a brief stretch of silence.
   Suddenly the lockers began to literally bounce around!  Mass hysteria
ensued with screams and cries of "YOU PERVERT!"  and, "How DARE you!"
followed, along with loud banging and sounds of a mass struggle.  Unable to
take much more, the lockers simply fell over with a loud *BANG!* and a
cloud of dust poofed into the air.
                                   ---
   The scene cut to a dimmed shot of the link set, the words 'You Can't Do
That On Ranma 1/2' huge letters superimposed over it.  Credits began to roll
as a voice announced in a deep, dignified tone, "This episode of 'You Can't
Do That on Ranma 1/2' was brought to you by the talented and tasteful staff
of Takahashi's Ranma 1/2..."
   The scene cut again rather suddenly to the inside of the announcer
booth, where Saotome Genma continued, "It's really quite amazing it went so
well, seeing as how I had no lines.  I would have thought it would have
been a bomb after the first or second..." he was suddenly nailed by an
onslaught of water, "...GROWF?"
   Ranma still held the now empty bucket in his hands, smirking at the huge
panda now wedged uncomfortably in the tiny announcer booth, "Shaddup, Pop."
                                   ---
   Ranma relaxed on the link set, leaning against one of the huge blocks as
he sat cross-legged on the smooth, wood-planked floor.  His eyes drooped
shut and he began to doze off.  Out of nowhere, something landed in his lap
heavily and glomped to him.  Ranma's eyes popped open immediately, "What
the hell?!"
   "Ni-HAO, airen!  Shampoo so happy she find you!"  Shampoo gave Ranma a
quick peck on the cheek and snuggled, "Ranma happy to see Shampoo?"
   "ACK!"  Ranma pried Shampoo off and scampered to a stand, "What do you
want, Shampoo?  And quit callin' me 'airen'!!"  he dusted off his pants and
took several steps away from Shampoo without actually leaving the set.
   Shampoo beamed as she pulled out to beautiful dresses, "Shampoo just
want Ranma's opinion.  Which you like better?"
   Blinking, he stepped forward to examine them.  One was a pearl-white
piece with a low cut in the front and thin, delicate shoulder ties.  Lace
adorned it in various places across the chest and bottom edge, making it
seem very ornate.  The other was an emerald green evening gown with an
oriental dragon design sewn up one side.  It looked intensely form fitting.
Ranma tried to imagine Shampoo in either of them, "Hmm."
   "Which one Ranma like?"
   "They're both pretty, I don..."
   Shampoo stopped Ranma, "Hold on one minute."  she folded the dresses
over one arm and stepped back about 3 paces.
   Ranma scratched his head, puzzled, "Eh?"
   Shampoo nodded, "Now, what you saying about which dress you like?"
   Ranma continued, "I was saying I don't know which I like..."  the
realization hit him too late as he was coated in a thick, lumpy, green
slime.  Slowly, he began to wipe the slime from his face looking totally
humiliated.
   Shampoo giggled, her and her dresses untouched by the slime,  "Oh, thank
you Ranma!  Ranma so smart!  Shampoo like the green, too.  Shampoo wear
that."
   She skipped off happily, leaving behind an irritated Ranma.
   Ranma looked at the camera and grumbled, "You know, I should have seen
that coming..."

- fin -

* Ryouko@ShojoMUCK * Mail@RMUCK Wai! * Mihoshi/Sayuri on IRC * Gex@Furtoonia *
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*                              Mihoshi@ptw.com                               *
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