Okay, Mihoshi is FINALLY sending out a fic, her first in months. Many
thanks go to Kevin Eav, Chris Willmore, and RpM for peanut gallery comments
and editing stuff ^^;. Wai! Away we go!
-
Somewhere... in a living room... an image appears upon a lone television
set. The picture is of what looks like a party of some sort of party with
many perfect men and women having fun and drinking liquor with the words
'Melrose Place' emblazoned across the bottom of the screen. A voice over
announces stiffly, "Melrose Place will not be seen at this time so we may
bring to you the following special program in which anime characters who
look just look perfect are tossed into an old Nickelodeon show in a
crossover that should never have happened..."
---
Ryouga blinked at his new surroundings... it looked like... it couldn't
be! The deepest, darkest wilds of China! Aww no, not again! Only this
time, it was MUCH worse.
"Ne, Ryouga, where the hell are we??" Ukyou fumed, she had been
thinking about other things as she walked with Ryouga to what should have
been downtown Tokyo... and now, they were lost in some kind of jungle,
"What happened to Tokyo?!"
Ryouga looked around some more, then shrugged, "I think we're in China
again. I've been here many times, I think."
"China?!"
Ryouga nodded solemnly and frowned, "Sure looks familiar..."
They wandered for a good, long time, completely lost in the new
surroundings. Ukyou growled, becoming more and more infuriated with each
step.
Ryouga gulped and said with as much confidence as he could, "Stay calm,
I'll get us out of this, I promise!" he took up a dramatic stance, raising
a defiant fist to the canopy above, "No mere jungle can contain me!"
"Ryouga..." Ukyou's voice crackled as she tried to maintain her
composure, "We're lost in a jungle, surrounded by lions, and bugs, and
snakes, with NO sign of civilization what so ever! Stay calm? I lost my
calm over an hour ago!"
The eternally lost boy swallowed hard, Ukyou was really mad. No,
somehow that seemed to be an understatement, "Ano..."
Ukyou achieved a frightening red glow, "Ryougaaaa..." she took slow,
deliberate steps towards the bandanna'd one, looking rather dangerous.
Ryouga backed away, his hands up, palms out. He began to stammer out,
"Ukyou... w-wait, I think I-*" but was rudely interrupted by a short,
middle-aged man who seemed to suddenly appear out of nowhere. Surprised,
Ryouga jumped back a bit, "Nanda?!"
The man bowed deeply, stating in a choppy voice, "Me Gaido, Guide of
Jyusenkyou, Master of Curse knowledge, student who fail Japanese class."
The two blinked at the funny little man in the brown uniform, Ukyou
finally spoke up, "Really? Great, we need some help. Can you help us get
back to Tokyo?"
"No problem."
Ryouga blinked, no problem? He'd been lost here many times, there was
an _easy_ way out?? He looked down at Gaido, "Yeah? What are you going to
do? Call an elephant to give us a ride?
"No."
Ukyou thought a moment, "Maybe you have a map?"
"A map! That'd be great!"
Ukyou shook her head and Ryouga and thought, <Even with a map, you'd get
lost in a bathroom...>
Gaido shook his head, "No, no map."
Ryouga tapped his foot, "Then how're we getting out of here?"
"You wait here!" the guide disappeared just as suddenly as he had
appeared, leaving the two befuddled.
Ryouga and Ukyou looked around. After about ten minutes of waiting,
Ukyou finally yelled, "Well?!"
It was right then that a Nissan Pathfinder pulled up in front of the two
kids. In the driver's seat was Gaido, "Need a lift? Gaido just get this
one week ago. Very very good deal at Nissan dealership..."
They just stared.
---
The scene cut out and went into the standard You Can't Do that on
Television opening theme, only to be cut off suddenly and be replaced with
an anime version of the very same opening..
A voice from off screen chuckled, "Hey, if we're taking the set over for
a day, we're taking over the opening, too!"
"Ranma, you're ruining it!"
"Er, sorry Akane..."
---
You Can't Do That on Ranma 1/2
Based on Rumiko Takahashi's Ranma 1/2
Also based on Nickelodeon's
You Can't Do That On Television
All character depicted in this story are trademarks of Rumiko Takahashi,
and many of the situations depicted are mutilations of situations developed
and trademarked by YCDTOTV, not to mention Green Slime, which is a
trademark of Nickelodeon! ^_^
---
The scene was set, the link stage of You Can't Do That On Ranma 1/2
designed for the fresh new look that was anime. Okay, maybe not. The
background looked like the inside of a giant jungle gym complete with
differently coloured bars and various huge colourful blocks. The blocks
were set to the forward end of the stage, and it was here that Ukyou now
perched on a prominent green block.
Ranma stepped up onto the stage and walked over to Ukyou, sitting down
beside her. He grinned pleasantly over to his co-host.
Ukyou smiled back, then looked forward to the camera, "Hello, and
welcome to You Can't Do That On Ranma 1/2..."
Ranma spoke up, "Where we take over and do whatever the heck we wanna
do, all at the stage-crew and studio's expense!"
Ukyou gently elbowed Ranma. (Well, as gently as Ukyou would elbow Ranma)
"Oof!"
"Anyway, in this episode, we take the general idea for various
scripts... and do them _our_ way. You'll see. Just 'cause we're anime
doesn't mean we can't handle some silly kid's show, right?"
Ranma nodded, wincing.
Akane walked out on the stage and commented to Ukyou, "So... I guess we
sorta are taking up the roles the normal cast used to have, huh?" she
giggled, "I guess that'd make you Christine 'Moose' McGlade. Hahahahaha!"
Ukyou remained calm, "Yeah, that would make you Lisa 'Thunderthighs'
Ruddy. Hah!"
Akane blinked, "Hey, wait, that's not fair! I'm not fat!" she turned
to Ranma, "Ranma, tell her I'm not fat!"
"Hey, don't involve me in this..."
Ukyou added, "And I guess Ran-chan's gotta be Alasdair... just as
spineless." she said, ribbing Ranma playfully.
"Hey, who's spineless?! Okay, fine, Akane, you're not fat. There, I
said it." Ranma crossed his arms over his chest and sulked.
"See? Ranma doesn't think I'm fat! You know why?"
"You'd punt him into low earth orbit if he did?"
"NO! Because I'm not fat! I don't know how you could even think I was
fat! I mean, I've never been fat all my life, tell her, Ranma!"
"She's never been fat..." Ranma thought to himself, <...that I know of.
Actually, she's built like a stick.>
"Ran-chan, you're letting her order you around, see what I mean?
Spineless..." Ukyou grinned quietly, she was getting all the snipes and
was loving it.
"Am not!"
"And anyway, Akane, I wasn't actually calling you fat, Thunderthighs was
only one of Lisa's nicknames..." Ukyou giggled quietly.
"Oh, so you weren't calling me fat? That's better." Akane calmed a
little, "Then how can you even compare me to Lisa? That's not very fair.
We have absolutely nothing in common."
"... Motormouth was another. You're both uncute, and you both talk on
and on and on..." Ukyou looked triumphant.
"WHAT?! Ranma, tell her it's not true!"
"It's not true."
Akane blinked and whispered, "Is that true?" to Ranma.
"No, it's not true."
Ukyou laughed, "Hah! A double negative! See? He agrees with me!"
Ranma's eyes widened as he walked right into that... and just kept
going, "N-nani yo?"
"Ranma! How DARE you!" Akane immediately socked Ranma through the
ceiling and stormed off seething.
Ukyou looked up, "Poor Ran-chan... I hope he's back in time for the next
skit..." she shook her head, "Sometimes it's just too easy." and stepped
around the bits of debris that were once part of the roof as she made her
way off the stage.
---
Ranma and Akane stepped into Kodachi's Burgers looking a bit tired.
Ranma was only slightly surprised to find Nabiki here. After all, she
normally ate in classier places and, well, eating at Kodachi's was often
hazardous at best. His surprise faded completely as he watched Kunou walk
by without a word and seat himself at Nabiki's table. Ranma growled a bit
as Kunou did this, it wasn't this act that angered him, but the package
Nabiki produced.
"Ah, Kunou-chan, I was wondering what was taking you so long. I don't
like to wait. Now, do you remember the conditions we discussed?" Nabiki
set the package down on the table and smirked wryly. It was a roll of film
she had recently developed, and Kunou would pay handsomely for it.
Kunou nodded, "Indeed. Five thousand yen is but a small price to pay
for such wondrous treasures. You have my gratitude, Tendou Nabiki."
<Grrr, there she goes, selling pictures of me again to that pervert!
Damn it!> Ranma stomped up, dragging a rather tired looking Akane with
him. He seated Akane with Nabiki and plopped himself down next to Kunou,
"Hey, what's goin' on here any way?"
Kunou said calmly, his voice very on edge, "Saotome, my dealings with
Tendou Nabiki do not concern you. Now, if you would, be on your way before
I smite you for treating Tendou Akane so improperly." his hand slid to his
bokken, eyes peering icily sideways at the offending newcomer.
Ranma snapped up the pictures and smirked victoriously, "Doesn't concern
me, eh?" he quickly force-fed the package to himself and laughed as best he
could while munching film.
Nabiki blinked, unfazed, "You imbecile."
Kunou just STARED at Ranma, "Saotome, you are a cretin! You DARE eat
depictions of myself displaying my exquisite ability in a noble art?! Have
you no sense of decency or tact?! Your actions against my will are
unforgivable, and for this... _YOU_ _WILL_ _PAY_!!"
"Ranma, what're you doing??" came Akane's voice, now startled as her
awareness awoke just in time to watch Ranma swallow the photos.
Ranma just blinked at Kunou's statement and appraised him in a blank
manner, the words only starting to dawn on him as Kunou drew his bokken.
Very intelligently, Ranma asked, "Nani?"
"Today, Saotome, you will know my wrath! A-TATATATATATATATATA!" he
launched right into his ONLY attack, one Ranma knew well.
In response, Ranma leapt straight up, then came back down upon Kunou's
head, knocking him out completely. That done, Ranma sidled back up to the
table and queried, "Uh, Nabiki, what'd he mean?"
Akane just stared quietly.
Nabiki shook her head, "It means you owe me five thousand yen for the
pictures and I have to redo the shoot with Kunou-chan. They were just
pictures of Kunou-chan practicing with his bokken, you idiot.
Akane covered her face with one hand and slowly shook her head,
"Stupid... stupid..."
The martial artist took a seat, he shrugged, "Hey, how was I s'posed to
know? I thought she was selling pictures of me again. Besides," he
bleahed distastefully, "I'm the one who's suffering here. I ate the damn
things!"
"Idiot." Nabiki didn't seem too surprised at all. She pulled out a
newspaper and commented off-handedly, "So, what brings you to Kodachi's
burgers anyway, besides ruining my business?"
"Oh well," Ranma suddenly noticed the hamburger sitting at Nabiki's
table, it wasn't there before. Ranma decided it would do fine to wash away
the photo taste and took a bite. As he chewed, he managed to say, "Anyway,
we were looking for P-chan. Akane hasn't seen him in a while."
Nabiki nods, "Oh? And Ranma, don't forget the five thousand yen you owe
me now."
Ranma winced.
Akane sniffled a little as she spoke, "He's been gone for days, I can't
imagine where he's gone. I'm getting a little worried."
Ranma nodded, still chewing.
Nabiki said in a frighteningly casual manner, "What do you think's IN
the burger?"
Ranma blinked, his chewing grinding to a dead halt.
Akane's eyes grew really wide, "P-chan??"
Kodachi poked her head out from the window to the kitchen,
"Oh-hohohohoho! I heard that, Tendou Nabiki! And no, there's absolutely
no pork in my burgers!"
Ranma returned to tentative chewing, Akane sighed, looking relieved.
"Maybe duck... and cat... but no pork!"
Ranma spat out his burger immediately!
Kodachi smirked and thought to herself, <Yet>
Ranma and Akane just stared at the now vacant kitchen window as a
familiar, anguished 'bweeing' could be heard from the kitchen accompanied
by Kodachi's unmistakable maddened laughter. Nabiki shrugged, totally
undaunted by this and continued to browse her newspaper, "Oh look, pork
bellies have gone up..."
---
The shot panned in on a row of standard grey, tall lockers. They seemed
normal enough, but it was easily the opening to the locker skits...
-
As if on cue, (it was), a locker door swung open, "Hey Ryouga..."
Another door popped open as Ryouga poked his head out, "Yes Ranma?"
"If you had one wish... any one wish... what would it be?"
Ryouga thought a bit <To be with Akane! I can't say that, she's in the
locker next to me!> he thought a bit more on it and frowned.
Ranma tapped his foot impatiently, "Well?"
"Hold on Ranma, I'm thinking!"
"Come on! We only get half an hour for the show..."
Ryouga growled, "Gimme a moment! I don't know..." just as the words
left his mouth, Ryouga was immediately coated in a lumpy green slime. As
it oozed down over his face and shirt, he cursed, "DAMN YOU RANMA!"
Ranma snickered, "Geez, you ARE dense. I wasn't even trying." he stuck
his tongue out at Ryouga and slammed his door shut behind him. *SLAM*
Ryouga fumed angrily, some of the slime beginning to smoke and cook from
the heat of his aura, "I'll get you for that, Ranma!" he pulled the door
shut. *SLAM*
-
A new locker door creaked open, "Hey Ranma..."
Ranma poked his head out again, looking to the person who'd popped out
in the locker next to him, "Yes Akane?"
Akane whipped out the BFMallet 9000 and got medieval on Ranma, "QUIT
PICKING ON RYOUGA!" she wheeled back with the mallet and brought it down
full force on Ranma's head, flattening him to the ground. She hmphed and
put the mallet away, pulling her door shut behind her. *SLAM*
Ranma winced, "Itai..." and dragged his flattened form back inside his
locker. *SLAM*
-
A moment passed, a door opened slowly as Ranma, now again composed,
peered over at a locker all the way on the other side, "Hey Mikado..."
A devilishly handsome young man in a powder blue suit leaned out from
his locker and smirked back, "Yes Ranma?"
"I want you to stay away from the pig-tailed girl."
"Oh? Is that so?"
Ranma glared dangerously, "Yeah, or I'll pound your face in."
Mikado flipped his hair back and grinned bishounenly, "I see, you're
just jealous because she kissed me and not you." he nodded solemnly, still
smiling, and pulled his door shut. *SLAM*
Ranma ridged, now yelling at the shut locker door, "That's not true!
She did NOT kiss you!"
Two boys dressed in stiff school uniforms popped out of a locker near
Mikado's. The one with light brownish hair called out, "We saw it Ranma!
Right on the lips, too! Right Daisuke?"
The other nodded, "That's right, Hiroshi! We saw it! Man... it was
incredible."
Ranma scowled at the two, "SHUT UP!" and YANKED his door shut, nearly
pulling it off its hinges. *SLAM*
Hiroshi and Daisuke looked to each other and echoed each other's
sentiments, "What's his problem?" Both shrugged and pulled their door
shut. *SLAM*
-
A door towards the center of the lockers creaked open to reveal a
well-dressed young man. He looked to the locker beside him, "Ushiko-san!"
The door opened as a young, attractive woman appeared and gazed lovingly
into her summoner's eyes, "Umao-san!"
The man looked to her intently, "Wherefore art thou, Ushiko-san?"
She returned the intensity, "Wherefore art thou, Umao-san?"
They hugged suddenly!
Both doors slammed shut! *SLAM* *SLAM*
There was a long silence, then all the locker doors swung open as
everyone stared at the two now closed doors.
---
Ranma sat on a large green block on the main set, casually skimming over
the pages of a book. He didn't even look up when Ryouga walked over and
began to read over his shoulder.
Ryouga, noting he was being blatantly ignored, cleared his throat and
spoke, "Hey Ranma..." he tapped Ranma on the shoulder for emphasis.
Finally, Ranma acknowledged the newcomer with a vague nod, "I see you,
Ryouga... now what do you want?"
"What're you reading?"
"Hmm?" Ranma looked up, "Oh, it nothing. Just a book I picked up. It's
pretty good actually, maybe I'll let you borrow it."
Ryouga blinked, <Why's he being so nice? Maybe he has changed...>, he
nodded, "I guess. I don't read much." the lost-boy tried to look at the
cover, but Ranma held the book in his lap where it couldn't be seen, "Um,
what's it called anyway?"
Ranma smirked, he tossed the book at Ryouga suddenly, "Catch!"
Ryouga snatched the book from the air, more startled then anything else,
"Eh?"
"Have a look."
Ryouga closed the book and carefully began to read the title,
"Waterwor--*!" he was cut off almost instantly after the word 'water' left
his mouth! The clear liquid poured down on the hapless boy, and where
Ryouga once stood, All that remained was clothing and a drenched black
piglet. "BWEE!"
"Some times it's so easy... I'm ashamed." Ranma just cackled! He was
almost laughing too hard to notice Kasumi walk up.
Kasumi bent over and picked up the now drenched P-Chan, "Oh, poor
P-chan, you're all wet. Did someone spill water on you?"
P-chan covered his head at the mention of water, and Ranma leapt aside.
Surprisingly, nothing happened.
Kasumi cradled P-chan in her arms, "Let's get you dried off, you poor
dear." she smiled and strolled casually off the set.
Ranma sat in a moment of silence as the vaguest revelation dawned on
him, "HEY! How come she didn't get drenched when she said water?!" no
sooner had the words left his mouth then he was soaked to the bone by a
sudden downpour of said substance. Ranma-chan , now a cute young girl,
huffed angrily, "Who the hell is working the props?! How come Kasumi
didn't get wet..." she was doused again, "DAMN IT!! I didn't even SAY
water that time..." drenched a third time. Ranma-chan FUMED angrily, "I
GIVE UP!" and stormed off the stage.
Off to the side, a young man clung to one of many ropes which hung from
the high-beamed ceiling. Toufuu-sensei's glasses fogged up as he giggled
mindlessly and stared vacantly off into the distance, "Kasumi-chan... fancy
meeting you here..."
---
Akane sat on the steps to the set, quietly reading a book. She looked
up and smiled pleasantly as Ranma approached her, beaming. She scooted
over on her step to make enough room for Ranma to sit beside her, "Hi
Ranma."
Ranma nodded gently and took Akane's hand in his, "Akane..."
Akane blinked, "Er... yes Ranma?"
Ranma took Akane's chin and gently moved her head until his eyes met
* Ryouko@ShojoMUCK * Mail@RMUCK Wai! * Mihoshi/Sayuri on IRC * Gex@Furtoonia *
* many people@other places * And above it all...(or below it all... ara?) *
* Mihoshi@ptw.com *
* Find Mihoshi's page! Wai! It's at www.ptw.com/~mihoshi/Mail1.html *
* * * *
o/` Oh what will the signal be for your eyes to see me? Watching off sides
as I wait, just in case you need me. o/` - Debbie Harry, "Send Love Through"