Doug Murphy wrote:
Here it is... the sequel to Bubblegum Collision.
I must warn you. This story is dark. I deliberately did not use the
[Darkfic] flag when I posted it, because I have seen it too often used
as an excuse to go wildly OOC, and I dearly hope that I have stuck to my
characters on this one. Anyway, if you have a strong aversion to dark
fanfiction, you might not want to read this.
Remember, BGC is made for darkness. Give me blood, give me death. It's all
part of the program.
Story: 6. Part one of Bubblegum Collision was, to me, a few linked battles,
with Sylia receiving some support from the team between battles. Perhaps
starting the story JUST before the boomers rebelled could help. Show that the
Knight Sabers have a life besides killing boomers. Also, make sure it is
plain that the Knight Sabers do NOT know who they are up against until they
find out. The setup seemed like they were used to world wide rebellions.
This is being attended to, though perhaps it should be taken into
account that this IS a sequel. Much character development has been done
already, in the original (Bubblegum Collision, as opposed to this story,
which is Bubblegum Collapse).
However, I am doing a considerable bit of work on part one.
Characterizations: 8 I was disturbed by the way the characters acted
throughout the first part, however this will mostly fall under the
descriptions department. One thing: The Knight Sabers are not the gods of
war in MegaTokyo, and the military can deal with nearly any large scale
problem much more efficiently than they can. They would likely be 'helping the
army out' in a war situation.
As is explicitly stated in the fic, the army is in no condition to be
helping out. Their own boomers are turning on them, and they have their
hands quite full.
The only paramilitary organization in operation in MegaTokyo (other than
the Knight Sabers) is AD Police... who have been shown at several points
in the OAV series to be incapable of handling serious boomers.
Grammar: 8.7 Grammar is well developed. Sentence structure is acceptable.
My only problem is the lack of spacing between paragraphs, which seems to be
an accepted typing format on the FFML.
Fixed that in the revision.
Descriptions: 5 This is what killed it for me. The way the Knight Sabers
speak seems to be a tab basic for them. Also, if the characters are
experiencing emotions while peaking, make sure you tell us. Simply rewording
what the Knight Sabers say in this fic, as well as adding a bit more color to
the fight scenes could jump it from the current 6-7 rating to an 8 or 9.
Well... there are two fight scenes in part one.
The first is being somewhat rewritten. It was admittedly not that
good.
The second, I am leaving largely intact, for one simple reason. Most
of the fight is shown through Priss's thoughts and actions, and she was
pretty much wrapped up in her own, personal fight with the battlemover.
I am going to rephrase some things there, to make it just a touch more
apparent that she is hanging on for dear life there, but that is about
all I am changing in that scene.
Overall: 6.925
With a few revisions this has the potential to make the 8's or 9's easy. I
hope I've been of help to you.
Yes, you have. Even though we disagree on some points, I still see some
things I can change to improve it.