Sorry about this, guys. This started bugging me in my Properties of 
Matter class and wouldn't let me go until I wrote it down on paper. So, 
here goes:

Tragic Stories

<It's anime night in Raphael's room again. Various anime-junkies file 
into the small, crowded room and settle themselves around his roommate's 
tiny TV set. Raphael pulls out a tape, looks at it, shrugs, and pops it 
in the VCR, where it begins to play.>

<FBI warning, etc.>

<The Jusenkyo guide appears on screen in his hut, sitting at a koto. He 
begins to pluck at the strings and begins singin in a mournful, sonorous 
voice.>

(To the tune of "Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm" by the Crash Test Dummies)

<koto intro, image of a portly, bald man wearing dingy white clothes and 
a bandanna>

Once... there was this man who
Took a little training trip and didn't read the pamphlet
And when... he finally came back
They saw--
He had the form of a panda.
He said it happened back when he fell into the cursed spring.

Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm
Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm...

<image of panda being beaten up by a red-haired girl>

Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm
Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm...

<image of a cute girl with long, dark hair>
Once... there was this girl who
Wanted to grow up to be a super martial artist
And when... she almost made it
She got--
A fiancee who was better.
He said she was uncute
So she crushed him with a table.

Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm
Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm...

<image of Ranma tasting Akane's cooking, collapsing and twitching in agony>

Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm
Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm...

<various images of Akane pounding Ranma, punting him into the air, etc.>
They got into lots of fights
And Viz bought the TV/movie rights.

<image of a student in blue robes carrying a bokken>
And then... there was this guy who
Loved Akane but found out that she's engaged to Ranma
And when... he finally fought him
He met--
This other girl with a pig-tail.
She beat him up real bad,
So he said that he would date her.

Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm
Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm...

<image of Kuno chasing after both Akane and his "osage no onna"; both 
simultaeously kick him in the face>

Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm
Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm...

Aaaahh-ahh-ahhh.....etc.

<The people begin to get up and trickle out of Raphael's room, giving each 
other odd looks. Raphael shrugs.>

Sorry, guys. It just had to be done. >_< 


---
Raphael See