ìOh my!î Kasumi said with surprise. ìIs this the friend
youíve been talking about, father?î
Soun shook his head violently.
ìOh so this panda just happened to walked in here? Nabiki
implied sarcastically.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Seems to me to be more of a statement than an implication.
<snip>
Then Ranma promptly stood up and left for school, Akane
was about to follow him when Nabiki said in a taunting voice.
ìShouldnít you walk with Ranma to school? After all he
IS your fiancee....î
ìWhy should I? Weíre not engaged and that it!î Akane
^^^^^^
that's it!
<snip>
ìPerhaps....But in the meantime, engaging them together is
only causing them to hate each other more. So for the moment, I
want the engagement with Ranma to fall to you.
ìBut....but I....î Kasumiís voice seemed on the verge of
panic, which was rare considering how calm and collected she
usually was.î
^^^^^^
eliminate last quotation mark
ìPlease Kasumi, for your fatherís sake and the sake of the
Anything Goes School of Marital Arts....î
Soun clasped his daughterís hand in his own. I know I canít
^^^^^^^^
Put in quotation mark before "I know"
<snip>
ìI know but I think Kasumi is the better choice for him.
Sheís sweet, kind, a great cook, good housekeeper and pretty to
boot. Nabiki is too selfish for him and Akane....well you remember
what happened in the bath?î Soun replied.
Genma scribbled again. ìIs Kasumi okay with it?î
ìYes, I just had a little talk with her. Sheís agreed to
^^^^^^^
"She has agreed." You cannot contract "She has" to "She's."
<snip>
ìBut what about the pressure on Ranma to marry
Kasumi? Isnít that unfair to my son?î Genma noted on his sign.
ìI have no doubt your son will like my Kasumi. She is the
sweetest person on this planet.î Soun replied.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
is there more than one with people on it? ^_^
I'm not talking about aliens. I mean what other planets are there
that Soun knows of that have people on it. Suggest change to
"the planet"
^^^^^^
ìBut she doesnít know martial arts....does she?î
Genma-Panda wrote. ìRanmaís been on the road with me for a very
long time and martial arts is all that he really knows.î
^^^^^^^^^
Suggest that you get rid of "that." It helps the sentence flow more
smoothly.
<snip>
ìIím sorry....î he began.
Kasumi looked up and their eyes locked. A jolt of electricity
seemed to pass through him as he looked into Kasumiís eyes. He had
never really looked deeply into a womanís eyes before, having spent
most of his life on the road with his father and never having a chance
^^^^^^^^
"having had a chance"? Up to you, as always.
to get to know any for a long period of time. Now as he stared into
^^^^^^^
not "any" but "anyone"
<snip>
ìI was going to tell you at dinner Ranma but I guess thereís no
reason not to tell you now.î Soun took a deep breath as he continued.
ìRanma, since you and Akane got off on the wrong foot, weíve decided
to engage you to Kasumi instead.î
ìYOU DID WHAT?!?î Ranma angrily shouted as he stalked
down the stairs towards his father. ìHey, I already told you I donít
need no fiancee! I just want to go back to China and find a cure to
^^^^^^^^
I know that Ranma doesn't have the best of grammar but could you at least
change the "to" to a "for". Ranma has bad grammar, but no one ever had
trouble understanding him...Hmm...that might be one of his problems....
<snip>
ìKasumi....I....î Ranma paused for a moment and turned to
face his father and the sobbing Mr. Tendo. ìCould you leave us
alone for a minute? I have to talk this over with her.î
Genma-Panda stared at him for a moment before nodding
his assent. He then lead his crying friend away from the stairs and
allowing Ranma and Kasumi some privacy.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Keep same tense. You used the past tense verb "lead" so you should
use the p.t. vb. "allowed"
<snip>
Ranma thought it over. While his top priority was finding a
cure to his curse and becoming a full man again, he knew even if he
did manage to find a curse that this engagement would be shoved back
into his face and that unless he was willing to be disowned by his
father and left alone, he was going to have to marry one of the three
Tendo girls.
Akane, who had seemed like a nice person at first, had proven
to be a violent person who hated boys and seemed to have a personal
grudge against him for some reason. That opinion had changed slightly
when Akane helped him out earlier against Kunou but then he overheard
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
what Akane had said in her room and knew that she wasnít going to
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
change her opinion of him any time soon.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Somewhat awkward. How about "..., but after he overheard what Akane had
said in her room, he realized that she wasn't going to change her opinion
of
him any time soon." <*shrug*> Once again it's up to you but I think this
works better.
<snip>
ìUh....Okay then! I guess....weíre engaged.î Ranma said
awkwardly as he tried to make sense of the deal he just made.
ìO....Okay. Should we tell Akane and Nabiki then?î
Kasumi wondered.
ìI guess. Pop gonna tell them about it anyway if he hasnít
^^^^^^^^
"Pop's", not "Pop"
<snip>
Soun and Genmaís happiness abruptly subsided. Soun
swallowed hard while Genma glared at his son. ìMeaning what
exactly....?î
ìMeaning weíre going to get to know each other better first
and see if we want to formalize the engagement or break it off if
things donít work out.î Ranma firmly replied. ìYou got it?!î
The first sentence of that last paragraph is kind of awkward. How about
"Meaning we're going to get to know each other better first. Then we'll
see
if we want to formalize the engagement or break if off, depending on how
things work out."
<snip>
Authorís Notes: How do you like it so far? I wrote this
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Despite all the editing, I really liked it. It's about time someone
matched
up Ranma to Kasumi. Sure, Ranma and Akane are canon, but
what IF. They've already done him with Nabiki so why not Kasumi?
when I realized that, aside from lemon fanfics, no one had ever, to
my knowledge, done a serious fanfic on Ranma and Kasumi as a
possible couple. This is probably because Ranma and Kasumi are
almost complete opposite in personality and style. You've have to
be crazy to put them together, hence this fanfic was born! :)
^^^^^^^^
Well, here's to all the crazy people in the world. We wouldn't be where
we are without them. Cheers!
I realize Soun is a bit too thoughtful in this fic but I
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
thought taking this from his point of view at first would be an
interesting change. His emotional state and stubborness to see the
engagement work will remain the same.
Well, you really didn't have much choice with that. He *had* to be
thoughtful
to engage him to Kasumi.
Good job. Waiting for more to read.
moon - 42
4 4 222 why moon? it's my name. why 42? it's the
44444 2 answer to life, the universe, and everything.
4 22 nice, huh? So what's the question?
4 22222