<> are thoughts
Note: The song is the lyrics from Akanes Lullaby. If you havent
listen to it, you should!
love that song...
"A lightning storm and a typhoon is scheduled to hit Nerima tonight,"
Akane watched intently on the television news while munching on some
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
watched the television news intently
snacks. How can a typhoon and a lightning storm hit Nerima at the same
^^^
could
"How many times do I have to tell you! It is Shampoos magical
^^
was
mushrooms!" explained Ranma, "You saw it with your own eyes. It is not
^^^^^
How about just "It's"? "It is" is a bit
formal for Ranma...
"Still," protested Akane, "Youre such a pervert! And now that
everyones gone for tonight, who knows what youll be trying this time!"
^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^
the night try
replied Ranma, and he immediately regretted saying this. Akane was
^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^
which saying As Akane
quite well-prepared. This was not one of his most brilliant ideas.
^ ^^^^^^^^
, this just wasn't one of his most brilliant
comments.
(or something like this.... you have fragments
here...)
"Ranma!" came the usual response as Akane obliged Ranmas challenge.
^^^^^^^
answered
you wouldn't use "obliged" in this way...
Eventually, she would catch him and give him a good beating. Might as
no comma necessary after Eventually
to give chase, and the booming laugh of thunder tore the air apart
immediately after. Akane shrieked and leapt into Ranma's arms, face
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
just do the "tore the air apart." and get rid of the "immediat.. after"
neck. The lightning came off more as a surprise, just as Ranma might
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^ ^^^^^
caught her by if had
sneak behind her and scare her. Her reaction, however, caught her and
^^^^^ ^^^^^
snuck up scared
Ranma, "If it is you, it will be no problem!"
"it is" is awfully formal... do you talk like that? I sure don't ^_^ and I
definitely think slangy-ranma wouldn't be talking like that... use "its"
"Sure!" nodded Ranma, who was not in the least bit tired.
errrrrrrrr....... this sounds weird
"Okay, here I go!" smiled Akane and she plunged into Ranma, holding him
in a tight embrace.
"plunged into" sounds REALLY nasty
Ranma was nearly paralyzed by this. He never thought Akane would
actually do something like that. <Well, I lost the bet,> he thought.
Just put "Ranma was nearly paralyzed."
You sometimes don't make your verb agree with your subject... for example
this sentence sounds better gramatically:
"He never thought that Akane would actually do it."
But it didnt matter. He finally was able to admit. He was quite happy
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
sentence fragment... "He was finally able to admit that he was
actually quite happy for Akane to be acting like this."
for Akane to be like this.
Akane was actually hoping Ranma would say something stupid. She was
^that
tired. Her body told her that she needed to sleep, but she didnt
want. If Ranma did something stupid, that would certainly be enough to
^^^^ didn't want what?? to fall asleep?
go, not until Ranma wanted to, anyway. Inside her mind, a tiny alarm
bell warned her what her family and friends might think of us. But she
^^^^^^
take out the "of us" and put a period
after think
nudged it aside. No one else was hearing tonight. Besides, it wasnt
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
what?
How about... "No one was there to hear tonight."
what the others thought that was important. As long as Ranma and she
knew better, that was all it mattered.
important, as long as Ranma and she knew better, that was all that
mattered.
How long did Akane held Ranma like this? Ranma lost track of time, not
^^^^
hold
that he wanted it to end. But at last, he realize that Akane was hadnt
d
sleeping happily with a silly grin on her radiant face. Ranma was
amazed at the radiant beauty he just saw. Just how much, he wondered,
^^^^^^^^
saw
Ranma thought to put Akane back to her bed, but decided against it.
^^
in
Akane probably wanted this, even if she would never admit this. So,
^^^^
it
Ranma rested her gently on his laps. Ranma stole another glance at
^^^^^
lap
Ranma was ashamed. Akane had been so innocent. Even with Ranma in her
rooms, she never thought about what that might mean. Heck, even if they
^^^^^
room
sleep in the same bed, maybe it still wouldnt change her. Akane was
^^^^^
slept
"Because I want to!" she grinned sweetly, "Im tired of fighting all
the time. Arent you? Cant we have some peace, not even for one
just "even" not "not even" you are using a double negative
that she love Ranma, not yet. But she could admit she liked him. She
^d
It was only a quick kiss on his cheeks. Nevertheless, Ranma was, to
^^^^^^
cheek
Ranma looked at her, and sighed, "No, I guess not."
"I guess so."
(or else he is saying "No, you can't kiss me." because it refers to the
negative in the previous sentence
"Can you continue singing?" Ranma asked shyly.
too formal again... how about "Could you sing some more?"
your handle on grammar is a bit weak... either that or you didn't edit the
story yet, but it seems like you did, so I am assuming that you just don't
know some of the rules. It is a good story idea, and I think it could be
fleshed out even more. Watch out for subject/verb agreements, and try not
to be so formal... Also, watch out for noun endings and such....
hugs
misachan