The scattered Legion of Subsitute Sailors wandered through the halls
of Giant Wombat Studios, having been seperated by a plot de...accident.
Sailor Moon, Tuxedo Umino Kamen, and Sailor Hermes found themselves lost
in a series of endless blue corridors. "How are we going to find
everyone?" Sailor Hermes asked. "I hope they're okay."
"Eh, no one ever dies in accidents like that. Or if they do, they
come back to life." Sailor Moon said. "If we just wander around,
sooner or later we'll find either them or the hostages. It always works
like that."
"If we find a computer, I can try and do an internet search for
them!" Tuxedo Umino Kamen said.
"I don't think they're being held hostage inside the internet,"
Sailor Hermes said.
"..." T.U.X said.
***************************************************
Lemon Sherbet 4:
"The Night! The BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!"
By John Biles
At the Dark Queens' command
Obligatory Flashback Scene #1 by Jeff Hosmer.
Thanks, Jeff :)
***************************************************
<Skuldylon 5>
Dark Queen Skuld sat in her throne, in the heart of her orbital
space station, Skuldylon 3. "Foglerite!" she shouted, but no one heard
her because she had forgotten to turn the intercom. "FOGLERITE!"
Screaming didn't turn it on either.
"Why doesn't anyone ever take me seriously?"
A nearby Dalek minion said, "Dark Queen Skuld, the intercom is
turned off."
She blushed and turned it on. "Foglerite, come here, I need you!"
A black sphere appeared, expanded, then evaporated, leaving
Foglerite standing before her. "Yes, my queen? Is it time for the
beautiful night? Shall we destroy all those wretched Shizuma drives and..."
"No, I want you to corrupt the Ninety-Nine Steps Restaurant, turning
it into an ice cream parlor. It is one of the critical crystal points of
the future Crystal Tokyo. I intend to change that future and transform
it to ICE CREAM TOKYO!"
"Wouldn't Beautiful Night Tokyo be better?" Foglerite inquired
hopefully.
"I don't get energy from beautiful or any other kind of nights! I
want to insure I'll NEVER run out of ice cream! Then I can eat the
entire city! BAHAHAHAHAHAAH!"
"That's BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, my queen."
"Just go corrupt that crystal point! Oh, and have someone send me a
few gallons of chocolate."
As Foglerite walked out the door, he flipped the lights off. "The
night! The Glorious night!"
Dark Queen Skuld tried not to cry.
***************************************************
Ukyou sighed. Things just kept getting more complicated. If she
didn't know better, she'd think she was getting a crush on a girl, for
one thing. This Makoto is just making me crazy for some reason, she
thought. She just comes out of nowhere, and she's getting farther with
Ranma than I've been able to! Everytime she's in danger, I start getting
this funny buzzing in my head...and I feel like I have to go bail her
out. Like with Kodachi a few days ago. Her body went through the
motions of serving customers, while her mind wandered. Ranma's seemed
more affectionate, lately, though. Not just with Makoto...with
everyone. It was kinda nice, really.
"Yo, Ukyou-kun, sleepwalking again?" A voice nearby said. She
blinked. No one ever calls me that...not since I left...
She looked up and saw a blond man, with short hair, dressed in a
Tsunami High School boy's uniform. He was 17, a year older than Ukyou,
who hadn't seen him in months. They had roomed together at a boy's
school...His name was Ten'ou Haruka, and like Ukyou, he was really a she
who dressed as a he. "Haruka-kun! I haven't seen you in months!"
"Michiru's parents decided she should come home and spend some time
with them since they're actually IN Japan for the first time this year
that lasted more than a day. I thought I'd drop by and see how my
protege is doing."
Ukyou laughed. "Well, you can see I've left those days behind me.
Well, some aspects of it." She swung her spatula around. "I bet I'm
still a better fighter than you."
Haruka put up her fists for a moment like a boxer, then laughed.
"You might be surprised."
"Heh. I've gotten better. When you fight everyday, you get pretty
good at it." Ukyou sat down at Haruka's table.
Haruka laughed again. "Don't I know it...So did you rip off
Saotome's head or what? Once we finally squeezed the truth out of you,
you told us you'd make him into okonomiyaki if you ever found him."
Ukyou laughed nervously. "I...uh...changed my mind...We're engaged
again...still...um...It's a bit hard to explain."
"That's great! I didn't think you could ever forgive that guy...I
remember we used to spend days cleaning up those beheaded Ranma dolls you
left lying around all the time." Haruka looked at the menu, trying to
decide what to order. "What's he like, anyway? Anything like Tsubasa?"
Ukyou blushed. "Please, don't talk about Tsubasa...he's not over me
yet." She smiled. "He's sweet, and kind and strong and handsome and a
really good fighter."
"Just like me then?" Haruka teased Ukyou. "You could have just
married me and spared yourself all this effort."
Ukyou blushed, then laughed. "I don't think Michiru would like that."
"I'm sure I could handle two of you." Haruka winked.
Ukyou sighed. "There's another similarity."
"What, he's dating Michiru too?" Haruka laughed at the thought.
"Actually, he could..."
Haruka raised an eyebrow. "She's not interested in..."
"It's a long story...I probably shouldn't get into. But what I
actually meant was that he has...multiple fiancees."
Haruka coughed. "What?"
"Well, you see...his father arranged more than one marriage for
him...that was why they ran out on me...Ranma didn't even know what was
going on. It was all Genma's fault."
"Why doesn't he just choose one?"
"One of them is insane, another won't take no for an answer, and the
third one is the other one his father actually arranged. It wouldn't be
honorable for Ranma to go against his father's wishes, so he can't get
rid of that one. Her name is Tendo Akane. She and Ranma don't get along
at all. They fight constantly, she insults and hits him. He's too much
a gentleman to fight back." She sighed. "And then there's the new
one...she's not engaged...but I think she's angling for it. She's really
a nice girl. I just wish she wasn't after Ranma."
"What a mess! Is this guy REALLY worth it? I certainly can't think
of any worth it..."
Ukyou smiled. "You'd think different if you had any interest in
men. He's worth it. I know he cares...but until we do something about
Kodachi and Shampoo...who knows what they'd do if he openly chose one of
us." She sighed. "Shampoo's really the bigger threat there...I don't
think Kodachi would really kill anyone...she just knocks them out and
ties them up. I'm glad that at least Akane and Makoto are basically sane."
Haruka blinked. "Makoto? Kino Makoto?"
"You know her?"
Haruka smiled. "Very well."
Ukyou thought for a moment, "You mean like..."
"Not like that...although..."
"Although what?"
"Never mind. It's not important," Haruka said. She wouldn't want
me to mention how she still had a crush on me for a while even after she
learned I was female. "So anything I can do to help? Want me to run
over some of the competition?" She smiled.
Ukyou laughed. "Hmmm..." She looked Haruka up and down. "I'm
beginning to get an idea..."
***************************************************************************
<Obligatory Flashback Sequence #1, Music cue: Summer of '69>
***Flashback***
It had been simple, blind luck that had placed them all together that
first year. Ukyou had not been looking forward to rooming with three other
guys. Still, when she met them, she had to admit she could have done worse
than Shun, Haruka, and Ryuunosuke. Of course, that was before they had
found out about their secrets.
The old adage about appearances being deceiving had hit them extremely
hard. Haruka, blond and boyish looking had been the manly one among them,
it seemed. Ryuunosuke, dark-haired, was shy and quiet. Ukyou knew her own
looks, despite years of work, only approached "androgynous." Shun was a
startling contrast, for despite being, as he joked one year when they all
watched Star Trek, "fully functional," he looked like a very pretty girl,
and even went to some pains to maintain the look.
The first few weeks had been painfully tense for Ukyou, as she tried
to keep her secret, and the feeling had been shared by her suitemates.
Everyone except Shun had the same furtitive look about them, though they
tried to hide it in different ways. Shun had appeared puzzled by it all,
until the secret got out.
It had been poor Ryuunosuke who gave it all away. Haruka often acted
extremely macho, and had one evening, when things had been especially
tense, started rough-housing with Ryuunosuke, despite the other's attempts
to break away. Of course, Haruka managed to squeeze Ryuunosuke's chest
and felt something that should not be on a guy. And then, when Ukyou and
Haruka both tried to comfort her, their own secrets had gotten out. Shun
had been rolling on the floor in laughter.
Still, once it was all out in the open, they managed to get along
fairly well. Shun helped cover for them and was pretty good about staying
behind a curtain. The four of them had stayed together for two years,
until Shun transferred to another school. By then, they were upperclassmen
and could keep the fourth bed empty if they chose.
One night, while studying, Ukyou had decided to "let her hair down."
The math homework was driving her crazy, so she undid her pony-tail and
unbound her breasts so she could concentrate in relative comfort. Lying
face down on the floor with the book in front of her, she sought to unlock
the secrets of advanced algebra.
"Amakaren-sensei's math homework?" came an unexpected question from
behind her. Startled, Ukyou was relieved to find out it was just Haruka.
A small part of her noted that Haruka had a funny expression on her face,
but she brushed the thought away.
"Yeah, Haruchan," she replied absently, still struggling with one
problem.
Haruka placed her hands on Ukyou's shoulders and rubbed then gently.
"How about a massage to relax you?" she asked quietly.
Ukyou nodded, glad to have a release for the tension that had been
building in her back and shoulders over the last hour. Haruka was quiet
while her fingers dug into Ukyou's muscles expertly, letting Ukyou study.
Ukyou didn't realize how good it felt until she found herself staring at a
problem for ten minutes without being able to think about it.
"Hey," she had joked, "if you relax me too much, how am I suppoed to
get any work done?"
Haruka chuckled, "Guess we'll just have to take a break, then." With
her usual confident air, Haruka turned to their small refrigerator and
pulled out two of the beers they definitely weren't allowed to drink.
"Cheers," was all she had said as they drank.
"I thought you were going out with Tsubasa, you stud," Haruka had
teased, causing Ukyou to blush.
"I had too much work. It seems we never have any time together what
with midterms and all."
Haruka took a long pull on her beer. "I still don't see the
attaction. He dresses like a girl all the time."
Ukyou's lips twitched into an involuntary smile. "Let's just say he
measures up," she said with a wink.
Haruka looked at her blankly for a second, then broke out laughing.
"Damn, you've got a dirty mind, girl!"
"Shhhh! Don't say that too loud!" Ukyou said frantically. "You know
how thin the walls are."
"Gomen, gomen... it's just how you look tonight."
Ukyou blushed. "I just couldn't concentrate on the homework, so I--"
Haruka stared at Ukyou with a strange intensity. "Ypu'd be a very
pretty girl, you know, Ucchan. Won't you at least tell me why you dress up
like that?" Ukyou had been the most secretive about her reasons for living
as she did. Ryuunosuke needed no encouragement to rant about her father,
and Haruka just claimed that she liked posing as a guy. Ukyou never told
them why she did it.
Ukyou made no answer, so Haruka cupped her chin with her hand. "Come
on, we've been together for over a year... don't you trust us?"
"Of course I do!" Ukyou burst out, trying and failing to meet Haruka's
level gaze. "It's just... my reasons are personal... it hurts..."
"Whoa, gomen, I didn't mean to drag up old ghosts," Haruka said
quickly. "It's just you're a pretty cute girl--"
"No, I'm not!" Ukyou said vehemently, reacting like she had ben stung.
"I don't WANT to be! I don't want anything to do with being a girl!"
Haruka backed off again. "Hey, don't get so upset. I'm sorry I even
brought it up. Here, I think you've undone some of the work I did." She
started to massage Ukyou's back again.
Meanwhile, Ukyou was angry. A little bit of it was directed at
Haruka, and a little bit was directed at the memory of a six year-old boy
with dark hair, but most of it was self-loathing. Why do you have be so
weak and feminine, she snarled at herself.
Haruka's skilled hands did nothing for Ukyou this time, though she
quietly accepted them. Her thoughts just kept running in circles, that she
was not a girl, how dare Haruchan bring this all up, it's all Saotome's
fault. She'd show Haruka that she wasn't a cute girl. But how? Then it
struck her, a good way to embarrass and throw the ever-in-control Haruka
into a tailspin.
That's at least what Ukyou told herself as she spun around and kissed
Haruka. She meant the kiss to last no longer than a few moments, but
things changed.
Haruka's lips were soft and they invited the kiss. Ukyou had kissed
Tsubasa many, many times, but even at his most feminine he didn't approach
the feeling she got kissing Haruka. Dimly, she felt Haruka's arms wrapping
around her in an embrace, but all she could concentrate on was the feel,
the -taste-, of Haruka. Then Haruka opened her mouth slightly and her
tongue slid between Ukyou's slack lips.
Ukyou closed her eyes and let her tongue duel with Haruka's for an
interminable time. She's a good kisser, she thought. Better than Tsu-chan
was to begin with... Then Haruka placed one hand on Ukyou's breast. Oh,
that feels... it's been so long since Tsu-chan touched me... wait, what am
I doing? I can't--!
Breaking the kiss, Ukyou struggled away, suddenly fearful of the step
she almost took. "Haruchan, I can't... we can't... I mean..."
Haruka only looked at her sadly. "I didn't think so... but I hoped...
if you liked it..." Ukyou turned towards her friend and was shocked to see
tears in Haruka's eyes, tears that were gone as Haruka fled the room.
They had remained friends. At least they managed that, but there had
been a new tension between them, tempered by sadness and regret.
*** End Flashback ***
***************************************************************************
Somewhere in the command center, Sailor Charon and Sailor Dust
Particle #78-BY-456 fled the disaster and found themselves lost in the
costuming department. A pair of makeup techs grabbed them. "You're
supposed to be filming the Extreme Scrabble commercial right now!" They
tossed trenchcoats onto the pair and shoved them out on stage...
**************************************************************************
[We see a group of people sitting around a table playing scrabble.]
Kyousuke: P. S. Y. C. H. I. C. [places the tiles] 26 points.
Hikaru: G. I. R. L. F. R. I. E. N. D. [places the tiles and
smiles at Kyousuke] Off the F from where Ayukawa played boyfriend last
round. Umm...A lot of points. [starts calculating]
Ayukawa: [glaring at Kyousuke] M. O. R. O. N.
Narrarrator: Not very exciting, now is it? I think this game needs a
little updating...
[Cut to the scene of two people in trenchcoats and sailor suits sneaking
into a power station. They attach a device to the control grid and sneak
out. Scene cuts to a helicopter over the city at night. Charon, Dust
Particle #567-9045 are playing scrabble in a helicopter over the city.
In stead of laying down tiles, they are flipping switches on a control
and entire buildings and streets light up or go dark, spelling out words.]
Narrarator: Scrabble...extreme! Get it before it gets you!
***************************************************************************
Haruka said to Michiru, "And this is my old friend Kuonji Ukyou! We
went to school together in Junior High."
Michiru looked at Ukyou and blinked. "I thought that was a boy's
school."
Haruka laughed. "I can only PROVE there was one boy there.
Everyone I roomed with was actually female and in disguise."
"Except Shun!" Ukyou pointed out.
Haruka nodded. "But he looked like a girl, so it didn't count. Much."
"Well, nice to meet you then!"
Ukyou nodded. "Haruka has said some very nice things about you."
Michiru blushed faintly. "That's nice."
"She also said I need to get your permission for her to go on a date
with me."
Michiru blinked. "What?"
"It's just to try and make my fiancee jealous...you see there's this
other woman and..." Ukyou launched into a long explanation of the situation.
Michiru nodded. "Okay." She turned and gave Haruka a look that
said without spoken speech, 'You'd better be on the level with me.'
Haruka bigsweated. This was going to be far too much fun. She
could tell.
***************************************************************************
Akane blinked at Ukyou. "Lemme get this straight. You want me and
Ranma to come on a double date with you and some old school friend of yours?"
Ukyou nodded.
"That's you and him and me and Ranma, right?"
Ukyou nodded.
"Not you and Ranma and me and this guy?"
"Not you and me and Ranma and this guy, either."
Akane frowned. Something funny had to be up. Ukyou wouldn't
deliberately set up a date with her and Ranma unless she was up to
something. Unless...could this mean she was giving up on Ranma? Can I
afford not to take the chance? This could be fun... "Sure, I guess we
can do that."
Ukyou smiled. "Great! Okay, here's the plan..."
***************************************************************************
Foglerite smiled as Droid Sylvie put on her waitressing outfit and
prepared to go out to serve the customers at the Ninety-Nine steps
restaurant. Not only did he get a thrill from watching a naked female
sexaroid, he had the satisfaction of knowing his brilliant plan was about
to be unleashed.
Droid Sylvie finished undressing, then walked into the wall instead
of the door, because as usual, Foglerite had turned all the lights off.
She swore quietly, found the door, and went out to go to work, while he
sat in the pitch black office and gloated.
**************************************************************************
Kasumi turned on the TV to watch the news. "And in other news, the
Mikado Fan Club won today's elections, and will be selecting the new
prime minister of Japan, expected to be the club's patron, Sanzenin
Mikado. Representatives of the LDP said, "Japan is doomed." Members of
the JSP (Japanese Socialist Party) said, "At least the Liberal Democratic
Party lost." Members of the Raving Monster Loony Party of Great Britain
noted that "This election will inspire us to redouble our efforts. We
can't afford to let Japan be the silliest nation on earth without at
least some effort to match them."
Kasumi smiled. The candidate she had voted for won for once. She
heard movement and turned her head. "Hello?"
It was Akane and Ranma. They were dressed up rather nicely. "Hi,
Kasumi. We're waiting for Ukyou and her friend to get here for the date."
"Ukyou has a friend?" Kasumi asked.
Ranma frowned. "Yeah, Ucchan has a friend." He didn't sound too
thrilled. "Some guy she went to school with."
"You don't sound too happy, Ranma," Kasumi observed.
Ranma muttered something about engagements. Akane laughed. "I
think Ranma's jealous. Ehh, Ranma?"
"I am not jealous! I don't GET jealous!" He scowled. Akane
laughed more.
At this point, the doorbell rang. Kasumi went to go get it while
Ranma sulked and Akane smirked. Soon, she returned with Haruka and
Ukyou.
Ranma looked carefully at Haruka. Was this guy a threat, he
wondered. This could all be innocent...or he could be after my
fiancee...Jealousy was not a normal emotion for Ranma, and he didn't
know how to handle it.
Haruka looked at Ranma. Hmm. Kinda cute if you liked guys. I
guess I can see why Ukyou might like him. Well, we'll be yanking his
chain tonight. Now this Akane girl...she's cute. Hmmm....What am I
thinking? Michiru will kill me...
Ukyou smiled. Ranchan is jealous! Well, if all goes well, I'll be
finishing this date with him.
Akane smiled. Well, maybe this guy will take Ukyou out of Ranma's
life and I'll have one less riv..other fiancee to worry about.
"Akane, Ranchan, this is Ten'ou Haruka. We roomed together when I
went to that boys' school."
"I guess you really were good at passing as a boy..." Akane said.
Haruka laughed. "Everyone had secrets at our school. Are we ready
to go?"
Ranma nodded. "Yeah."
**************************************************************************
Outside, Haruka hopped on her motorcycle and pulled Ukyou up behind
her. "Hey, what about us?" Ranma asked.
"I thought you'd ride on the handlebars. You're supposed to be a
great acrobat, right?"
"Martial Artist! What if I fall off? And what about Akane?"
Haruka pulled Akane up into her lap. Akane blinked. "What, you're
too unmanly to even try?"
Ranma growled. "What did you say?"
"I think he's a chicken, Ukyou." Haruka smirked.
"Come on, Ranchan! It'll be fun!"
Ranma lept up and stood on the handlebars. Haruka blinked. Maybe
this guy was good after all...
***************************************************************************
Haruka raced through traffic, turning at speeds in excess of a
hundred KM per hour. Ranma remained perfectly balanced through it all.
Despite herself, Haruka was impressed. She certainly couldn't have done
it. No ordinary human could. A brief stab of worry ran through her
mind. Nahh, this guy didn't have any malevolence in him. Couldn't be a
youma. At least I hope not...
****************************************************************************
Finally, they reached the movie theatre and Haruka stopped the
bike. Ranma went flying. "Oops..." Haruka said. "Guess I shouldn't
have stopped so hard..."
Ranma climbed out of a garbage can. "Hey, whaddya do that for?"
"What, you're not MAN enough to take a collision and get up and go
on with the date?"
Ranma fumed and grabbed Akane off the bike. "C'mon. Let's get to
this movie before Ukyou's date kills us."
***************************************************************************
Sailor Van Allen Belt and Sailor Oort Cloud wandered through the
halls of the command center together. "Do you think the others are
okay?" Sailor Van Allen Belt said.
"Well, I'm sure Sailor Moon got out okay, and I doubt we're lucky
enough for Daisuke and Hiroshi to have gotten crushed, and you know
nothing bad ever happens to Akemi. Those other two are probably toast
though. I've never heard of them before this."
Sailor Van Allen Belt nodded. "And I thought WE were obscure."
"We just need a better agent," Sailor Oort cloud said, pushing her
tiara back up. "Aargh. Mine is a little too big. It keeps trying to
slide down my head."
They heard footsteps in the distance and a faint "Woo woo woo".
"I think we're about to have our first fight."
"Second fight."
"If we count that one, we have to count ALL the times we've fought
with those idiots."
"Good point."
The sight that confronted them was enough to curdle the soul.
Vaguely humanoid in shape, the creatures had greyish skin and huge
soulless black eyes. They were naked and lacked genitalia. They did
however, wear silvery belts for no apparent reason, with a big black
symbol on the buckle. They emitted a constant bloodcurdling ululating
moan, "woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo"
Okay, it was just a bunch of stupid putty men. Dark Queen Urd had
bought them wholesale. There were about three hundred of them.
Sailor Van Allen Belt said, "You know...I forgot to ask Sailor Moon
how to use our powers."
Sailor Oort Cloud started to back up. "We're...uh...kinda
outnumbered too."
They turned to run and the other three hundred putties came around
the corner behind them.
They did the sensible thing of course. They started screaming.
The putties charged, issuing forth their endless, "woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo"
The faint sound of castinets resounded in the distance, breaking
the woo woo woo rythym. A barrage of sake bottles flew down the
corridor, driving back one group of putties in confusion. The two
panicked Sailors turned and saw a man hanging upside from a ceiling
lamp. He was dressed in a formal tuxedo with a blue mask over his eyes.
He was holding another sake bottle in his hands; in fact, he was drinking
from it.
"Even when the odds are against you, never give up! The grass is
always greener if you use fertilizer! Headbutting lingerie wuffles
quietly against exploding environmentalists! I am Tuxedo Sake, defender
of justice and frequent late night patron of bars! Do not despair! The
power is within you. Just think about WHO you are." He took another
swig. "Yummy."
The putties stood around and waited for the speechmaking to stop.
The two sailors tried to take his advice and thought long and
hard. Words came into their mind.
"COMETARY FIELD EMISSION!" Sailor Oort Cloud shouted. A snowball
the size of a basketball appeared in front of her and zoomed at one of
the putties, clonking it in the head and knocking it out.
"Great. One down, two hundred and ninety nine to go." Sailor Van
Allen Belt sighed.
"I haven't seen YOU do anything!"
"MAGNETIC LOVE ATTRACTION!" Sailor Van Allen Belt shouted. A huge
blue-steel heart formed in front of her and fired into the mob of putties.
Suddenly, all the putty's belts magnetized and they all stuck together in
a huge ugly pile that went "woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo OUCH woo..."
You get the picture. "Wow! That was great!"
"Hmph. All I did was throw a snowball. WAAAAHHH!!!!!"
**************************************************************************
Far out in space, it's really cold and boring, even with hundreds of
future comets wandering around bored. One of them heard a call. Its
master was calling it. It turned and started to head for the Earth...
**************************************************************************
Later, Ukyou and her friends went to the Ninety-Nine Steps Restaurant,
dodging some boy on the stairs who was trying to catch a falling red
hat. The waitress, a nice looking girl with short brown hair, showed
them to a table. "Hi, I'm Sylvie. I'll be your waitress!"
Ranma took a look at the menu. "Hmm. I'll have some Mizu soup,
some bread, and some ramen."
"What kind of ice cream will you be wanting with that?"
"Ice cream?"
"We have a special today. Free ice cream with every meal."
"Sounds good to me," Akane said. Soon, everyone ordered. Then
silence set in as they waited for their food to arrive. Finally, Haruka
broke the silence.
"So you do martial arts?" Haruka asked.
Ranma nodded. "Saotome school of Anything Goes Martial Arts.
Ever heard of it?"
"No. So you're planning to beat people up for a living?"
Ukyou frowned. "Haruka-kun, don't tease Ranma."
Ranma frowned. How could Ukyou like this jerk?
Akane frowned. "He's going to run our family dojo with me. So
what do you plan to do?"
Haruka leaned back and for a moment, it looked like she was about
to put an arm around Ukyou. Ranma scowled. She smiled. "I hope to
be a professional race car driver."
Akane smiled. "That sounds fun."
The food was served. They dug into it. Oddly, everything seemed to
have ice cream in it. Miso soup should NOT have ice cream in it. Ranma
frowned and called the waitress. "Why is there ice cream in my soup?"
"Everyone loves ice cream! The more the better!" Sylvie smiled.
"Can't I have some without ice cream?"
Sylvie glared at Ranma. "No. EAT IT!" She did the standard giant
demon head trick and Ranma, cowed, ate it.
Pretty soon, they were all feeling pretty sick. Haruka frowned.
Something was...wrong about this place. She looked around. All over the
room, people were collapsing with aching stomachs...or eating ice cream
like maniacs. She could feel an evil magical aura. "I have to go to the
bathroom. I'll be right back."
She transformed into Sailor Uranus, which we can't show since Skuld
spent some of the special effects budget on building a robot toaster,
which then became a cereal killer and wiped out part of the food budget,
and then...
****************************************************************************
<Command center>
Dark Queen Skuld malleted the scriptwriter.
***************************************************************************
Anyway, she slipped out to investigate. Everyone was slumping over,
except Ranma, who was starting to look worried. He saw Sailor Uranus
come in. "Hey, who're you? Are you doing this to everyone?"
"I think eating too much ice cream is what did this...but..."
Sylvie handed Sailor Uranus a bowl with ten scoops of ice cream.
"Have some ice cream!" She also handed Uranus a cup of coffee. "And
some coffee! It's made with Fogler's crystals."
Uranus almost drank it. "Foglerite's crystals?" She recognized the
name.
"Yes...I mean no...drat! Now I have to destroy you!"
Ranma blinked. "Who is Foglerite?"
"This isn't Jeopardy!" shouted Sylvie, "though I'm about to put you
there!" She spun around and transformed into a puce and off-mauve
version of herself, dressed in an evil maid costume. "I am Droido Sylvie!"
"Droido?" Ranma blinked. "Don't you mean droid?"
"Shut up! I hate people who make fun of my accent!" She gestured
and a KJ-ll Battlemover appeared. She stepped into it. "Now you pay!"
She started blasting away with heavy armnaments. Ranma dodged
desperately, leaping from table to table.
"WORLD SHAKING!!!!" Uranus shouted, hurling her usual attack at
the droid, which barely noticed, but now turned and opened fire on her,
blowing her across the room. Luckily, senshi uniforms are notoriously
tear and puncture resistant, so she just hurt...a lot.
Droid Sylvie turned her attention back to Ranma. As he fled, she
left a trail of destruction behind him in her efforts to hit him.
Uranus sat up. I should have asked Michiru to tag along...I don't
think I can take this thing alone. Hey...that Ranma kid is fast. I
don't think she's even scratched him.
Ranma lept and dodged desperately. I've got to find someway to
protect myself, or I'll never get close enough to hit it. Looking
around, he realized there were a lot of projectiles available...He
scooped up a bowl of ice cream and started lobbing it at Droid Sylvie.
Soon the face plate of her battlemover was obscured with melting sugary
sweet snacks.
Uranus said, "Good idea, kid!" She drew her Soul Sword and charged,
stabbing it deep into the battlesuit. It shorted out.
A message came up on the battlemover screen. "Self-Destruct
sequence initiated. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to
get out of here alive. Good luck. This battlemover will self-destruct in
30 seconds." It also announced this aloud. Ranma said, "EVERYONE OUT!"
Everyone started fleeing. Ranma said to Uranus. "My friend's
stupid date is in the bathroom...I'd better go find him in case he didn't
hear that..."
Uranus said, "I'll go check. Get your friends out."
"He's a guy! You can't go in after him!"
Uranus laughed. "Don't worry...I'll be okay." She ran off as Ranma
hustled the moaning Akane and Ukyou out of the building. Changing back,
she slipped around to join them.
"I guess this means the date is over," Haruka said.
"Yeah. Did the superhero find you?"
Haruka nodded. "Hey, thanks for remembering me." Maybe he's not so
bad after all.
Ranma smiled. "No problem."
Inside the restaurant, Foglerite came out of the office and turned
the lights out right as Droid Sylvie was about to punch the release code
to get out of the suit. "The night! the BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!"
"Foglerite, you idiot!" She tried to punch the release code. Her
armor phone rang. "Hello, Domino's pizza?" Her armor exploded before
she could even think about placing an order.
The exploding restaurant certainly made for a beautiful night.
*************************************************************************
Haruka and Ranma dragged Ukyou upstairs to her bed and laid her
down. They had already dropped Akane off at the dojo. Ranma had tagged
along, cause he didn't quite trust Haruka to take Ukyou home alone.
Ukyou moaned as she laid down. "My tummy...pain..."
Ranma squeezed Ukyou's hand. "You'll be okay once you sleep, Ucchan."
"Date...ruined...didn't even ...ohhhh" Ukyou moaned.
Haruka said, "Well, we can go out again next weekend." She
smiled. "I don't get to go out with cute girls like Ucchan very much."
The door opened. A green haired girl stood in the doorway. "And
there's a very good reason!" She marched forward, grabbed Haruka by the
ear and dragged her off.
Ranma smiled. At least I'm not the only one with woman problems.
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu bailesu@komodo.hacks.arizona.edu
http://www.hacks.arizona.edu/~bailesu/falcon.html
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they
don't get up for at least an hour."
Wendy, age 8