Date: Sun, 03 Nov 1996 08:48:32 -0500
To: P-Chan <p_chan@nv-vb.mindspring.com>
From: Peter Schell <schell@interlog.com>
Subject: Re: [FFML] [FF] Bakamoichigei #5
At 11:30 PM 11/2/96 -0500, you wrote:
Now, on my previous postings of Bakamoichigei, I got ZERO C&C!! Now, I'm
still contemplating whether this is a good thing or not! Please! I beg you!
Send C&C!! I'll even take flames!! Tell me about grammar, spelling, or most
preferably the story line! Now I'm just gonna shut up before you get so fed
up with me you just stop reading! ^_-
Ja ne!
__________________
Caryll Griffin
Disciple of the Church of Ryouga
Washer of the Sacred Garments of Ryouga
"What ever made you think sanity was a good thing?"
p_chan@nv-vb.mindspring.com
__________________
Like the new sig? Send C&C on that if you wish! ;) <smiles kawaii>
Bakamoichigei #5
(Even a Fool Has One Talent)
Caryll Griffin
I tried to reply and the mail was returned so I'm sending it to the mailing
list.
You wanted C+C you got the best I can do.
Why do you spell Ryoga above different then in the story.
Just a few small things.
It,s a little OOC in places but with the exeption of one comment about
Ryoga that I point out the story makes a nice read.
stands up and bows to Miyoko.
"Um, and your point? Is this supposed to have some sort of meaning?" Kuno
snickers.
"Normally I would have been insulted by such a comment. But because of
your beauty and[me] fearing I might harm your delicate body, I will not punish
[Maybe drop the me]
you. I will let it go." Miyoko stood frozen in shock at what she had just
heard. Her fists slowly clenched into tight balls at her side, her knuckles
turning white. She started to glow a bright green. Kuno had said the wrong
thing to the wrong person.
"No, no! I, uh, it's just I didn't know there was anybody new staying at
the Tendo's. But then again I've been out for the last couple of days."
Miyoko [Out where in this world that could mean out cold]
gets a look of "oh" on her face. Ukyo smiles back weakly and glances over
and Ranma before turning her attention back to the teacher.
were asking before but now she was mad. She started to shift into a
fighting stance [and] get rid of her irritating problem when she got an idea.
change and to to
-----
"Um, sorry guys, I already have a fiancee!" With that, she pushes her way
passed
[Past]
a [shock] and crying group of boys. She triumphantly walked over to where
Ranma [should be shocked]
and Akane were sitting. But before she can sit down and quietly eat her
lunch she is again mobbed by the girls. The answer she had given the boys
had piqued their interests.
"Jump in there grab, her and then jump out!" Akane casually sticks her foot
out as another boy runs [passed] her in the direction of Miyoko. He hits the
ground
[Past I think]
with a *thud* but quickly stands back up and continues on his course.
"Okay, but they'll follow me." Ranma slowly stands up and takes a deep
breath. Letting it out Ranma runs toward the crowd and jumps between two
boys who had made it [passed] the [girls.] They were crying and begging
Miyoko to reconsider her [past] [Why would the girls care]
engagement despite the fact they had just met Miyoko (if you want to
consider it a meeting) and didn't know who she was engaged to. As Ranma
lands between them and Miyoko they stop their begging momentarily.
"Saotome! What are you doing here? Have you come to take another cute girl
away from us? First Akane! Now Miyoko!" They begin crying again and Miyoko
looks at [How about first Akane! then Shampoo next Ukyo and now Miyoko!
they might not mention Shampoo but they would definently mention Ukyo.]
them with disgust. She then looks back at Ranma who just grins.
Walking home from school, Ranma is up on the fence as usual and Akane
[Just say. Ranma is on the fence and Akane and Miyoko]
and Miyoko are down on the sidewalk. Miyoko looks really mad and Ranma
looks a bit nervous. He jumps down off the fence and walks next to Akane.
Inside the practice hall, Miyoko's practicing is getting faster and
faster, as she works out her frustrations of the day. She doesn't even
notice when Ryoga wonders in. He looks around the room and smiles when he
sees Miyoko. But his smile soon fades when he sees the expression on
Miyoko's face and the intensity of her punches on the dummy. He drops his
backpack on the ground and walks over to Miyoko.
She ignores him and takes her speed of her punches up one notch. Ryoga
[Takes the speed][or delet- of her punches]
looks on with concern.
at Ryoga with tears in her eyes. She tries to say something but instead
breaks down and cries. She leans forward and [berries] her face in Ryoga's
chest. Ryoga
[buries]
looks shocked at first but then he puts his arm around Miyoko's shoulders
and rocks her back and forth.
"You were here for me when I needed you. I've never really had anyone be
there for me. The entire time I was with my brother it was always training!
And techniques! I mean, he dumped me on some sensei to improve my training
so I could pass the high standards of some fiancee's father!" Ryoga winced
at the mention of her fiancee. She smiled into his chest. She sat back a
little and looked up into his eyes.
"You know, I never really had anyone there for me either. My parents
disowned me and I'm lost all the time. I've just had a horrible life."
Miyoko [Whoa hoss Ryogas parents get lost just like him they never disowned him]
smiled with understanding and for a fleeting moment a look of almost
happiness floated through Ryoga's eyes. Miyoko reached up slowly and [ran]
her fingers through his hair. [Ran works but maybe
runs instead]
They looked into each others eyes and several minutes passed. The space
between their faces slowly began to get smaller and smaller. The distance
was closed when Miyoko sat up on her legs. Their lips brush together. Ryoga
opened his eyes in shock and looked down at Miyoko. Her eyes fluttered open
and he saw a look of pure affection in her eyes. They closed their eyes
again and pressed their lips together again.
I'm a sucker for tender moments
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To Be Continued...
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I don't know about you but I think this one turned out a lot better than
the last ones! It's amazing what a little caffeine can do for the creative
process! Ja ne!
________________________
Caryll Griffin
Disciple of the Church of Ryouga
Washer of the Sacred Garments of Ryouga
"What ever gave you the idea sanity was a good thing?"
p_chan@nv-vb.mindspring.com
________________________
I have my own E-Mail address now! Yeah!