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.---' / /-. `-. `-' | `' (_.-. | The Nameless Sequel
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---,-'-{@ The Nameless Sequel was composed by Mike Loader. @}-'-,---
Characters and Backstory are the products and property of the illustrious
Rumiko Takahashi (as if you didn't know). Ranma=Her's, okay? Good.
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EPISODE 5 - Everywhere you go (you always take the weather with you).
(We open on the outside of Doctor Tofu's clinic, early morning. The
sun is just beginning to rise, and pastoral music is heard in the
background.)
Tofu's Voice: (hysterical) _SHE SAID WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?_
(We zoom inside the clinic, where Ranma and Akane are looking at
Tofu, who is lying on the floor in a fetal position sucking his
thumb and whimpering.)
Akane: (embarrassed) Please get up, Doctor..you'll get your clothes
dirty....
Ranma: (kneeling down) Aw, c'mon Doc. She can't really mean it.
We think it's a spell or a potion of some sort.
Tofu: (grabbing Ranma by the collar) You think? Really?
Ranma: (turning blue) Arrggghh.
Tofu: What's that supposed to mean?
Akane: I think it means that he's not getting enough oxygen.
Tofu: (peering at Ranma's face) I think you're right, Akane. He
must have something lodged in his throat.
Akane: (gently) I think it's more likely because you're cutting off
his windpipe.
Tofu: (distractedly) So I am. (he lets go, Ranma starts gasping in
air) But what fiend would drug poor, wonderful Kasumi?
Akane: (after thought) About half the people we know, if
experience is any judge.
Tofu: (intensely) You have to bring her in. If I can examine her...(he
lapses into a mild coma at this prospect)
Ranma: (still panting a little) Wonderful idea of yours, Akane. The
Doc here's gonna be of as much use as Lynn Minmei at a quantum
physicists' convention.
Akane: (annoyed) Doctor Tofu! Snap out of it!
(She slaps him across the face a few times, and he blinks.)
Tofu: ...then I might be able to find a cure. Or at the very least give
her a mild sedative until one can be found. I'll need to do a full
physical....(boom, out like a light)
Ranma: (disgusted) I've gotta get to work. If he spaces out, just
hit him. You're good at that.
Akane: (sweetly) Thank you.
(Scene changes to the front of the Tendo Dojo. A exhausted Ryoga
staggers up to the door.)
Ryoga: Finally....I finally made it....haha....
(He knocks on the door, which is answered by Kasumi.)
Kasumi: (brightly) Oh, hello Ryoga-kun!
Ryoga: (doing a deer-in-the-headlights impression) Ahhhh...arrgh..
..h-hello K-k-kasumi.....
Kasumi: Would you like something to eat? I think we still have a
ham sandwich or two left.....
Ryoga: Aggggggg.
Kasumi: (oblivious) Have you come for the wedding?
Ryoga: (snapping out of it) What? Wedding? What?
Kasumi: (smiling) Oh, it's going to be beautiful....I think they make
a wonderful couple. Akane was a little upset when Daddy set the
date, but I'm sure she'll adjust after a while time....
Ryoga: (shaking with barely contained fury) Ranma....
Kasumi: Ranma? Oh, he seemed happy with the idea....
Ryoga: Where. Is. He.
Kasumi: I think he's at work....he has a job with Animal Control
now, you know....Ryoga-kun, have you been exposed to Cherenkov
Radiation? You seem to be glowing and ionizing the air next to
you....
Ryoga: (racing off) RANMA, TODAY YOU DIE FOR YOUR CRIMES!!!!!
Kasumi: (bemusedly) Oh my!
Soun: (emerging from the house) Who was that, Kasumi?
Kasumi: Ryoga-kun. He wanted to know about the wedding.
(smiles) He seemed very excited.
Soun: (smiling) I just wish Akane was as happy about it as
Ryoga...I'm afraid she's still taking it a little hard. She burned her
stepmother in effigy on the lawn this morning.
Kasumi: I understand that's a natural reaction. Why don't you ask
Dr. Hasigawa when you see him today?
Soun: (frowning) Ah yes, that's today...you know, I've been feeling
a lot better lately. I think I'll go boating with Kodachi-chan
instead.
Kasumi: Oh. I'd better get Nabiki to cancel the appointment, then.
Do you know where she is?
Soun: Up in her room, I believe. She said something about
redecorating.
(Kasumi walks inside and up to Nabiki's room. )
Kasumi: (knocking) Nabiki?
Nabiki: (from behind the door) Um. Kasumi. Come in.
(Kasumi opens the door, and stares. Blown-up photos of Akane
cover the walls, and a few cardboard figures of her are scattered
around the room. Nabiki is sitting on her bed, looking through
some photos.)
Kasumi: Daddy's not going to be going to Doctor Hasigawa's today,
Nabiki. Could you cancel the appointment?
Nabiki: Hmm? Oh, sure thing, Oneechan.
Kasumi: Okay, then...(hesitantly) Ah, Nabiki? Interesting decor....
Nabiki: (vaguely) Isn't it? You know, we've never really
appreciated what a wonderful person Akane is...
Kasumi: She's a very sweet girl, yes...
Nabiki: (musing) And really built as well....incredible legs, and as
for her hips....wow...just amazing thi....
Kasumi: She's a very sweet girl, yes...
Nabiki: (looking a bit embarrassed) Yes. Um. Well, I'll call the
doctor, then.
Kasumi: Okay!
(She leaves. Nabiki picks up the phone, and dials a number.)
Nabiki: (into phone) Yes, hello? Dr. Hasigawa? Soun Tendo won't be
coming in for his appointment, as he seems to have become a
well-adjusted and happy person overnight....hello? Are you crying,
doctor? Anyway, I'd like to know if I could substitute a patient.
Who? Me. Why? I'd rather not say over the phone. This afternoon,
then? Good. Bye now.
(She hangs up the phone, and sighs.)
Nabiki: Maybe I've just been working too hard. Falling madly in
love with younger siblings is probably a normal result of stress.
(she opens her laptop) Now, how on earth am I going to manage to
buy those photos back from Kuno....
(Scene changes to a Nerima shopping center. Shampoo and Kodachi
are browsing through a bridal store, trying to pick out a gown.)
Shampoo: So it will be a Western-style ceremony?
Kodachi: For me and Soun-sama, yes. My brother is insisting on a
traditional wedding, and his bride agreed with him. (rolling eyes)
Not that I think she'd be able to disagree with anything. They truly
are perfect for each other.
Shampoo: Your brother will be very happy.
Kodachi: (sighing) I know. Pity, that. (holds up a dress) What do
you think of this one?
Shampoo: (critically) I don't know....leek isn't really your color.
Voice: (from across the store) HE HAS TO HAVE COME HERE, IT'S
THE ONLY BRIDAL SHOP IN NERIMA!
Shampoo: Was that...?
Kodachi: Yup. Come on, we'd better stop him before he wrecks the
store.
(The walk over to where an irate Ryoga is holding the storekeeper
by his collar.)
Storekeeper: Okay! Anything in the store at only 5% over cost, and
that's cutting me own throat!
Ryoga: (frustrated) I DON'T WANT A BLOODY TUXEDO, I WANT
RANMA SAOTOME!
Shopkeeper: Sorry guvnor, fresh out of them, gotta shipment
coming in on Monday...
Ryoga: AARRGGHH!
Kodachi: (sweetly) Hello, Ryoga. Care to put down Mr. Diblah and
tell us what the problem is?
Ryoga: (setting down the shopkeeper) Oh, _you_. And you. That
fiend Ranma's marrying Akane!
Shampoo: (horrified) He is? That's horrible! When?
Ryoga: (furrowing his brow) Cybernetic android double? Evil
Possessing Ki-spirit? T-2000?
Shampoo: No. It's me. Now tell me before I kill you.
Ryoga: I'm not sure. Kasumi told me there was a wedding, and that
Akane was upset about it....
(Kodachi and Shampoo glance at each other, nod in unison, and turn
back to Ryoga.)
Kodachi: Ryoga, you brainless hulk, you've got....
Shampoo: (quickly) ...to do something about it.
(Kodachi gives Shampoo a puzzled look.)
Ryoga: I will! With my new skills, Ranma won't stand a chance!
Kodachi: (interested) New skills?
Ryoga: Yes. After I left Nerima, I wandered for many days....
(The scene ripples in a neat flashback effect, reforming to show
Ryoga walking across mighty oceans, swimming vast deserts, and
hanging around various airports.)
Ryoga's Voiceover: I wandered for untold weeks...as assailed by
perils both human and natural....went without food and water for
days....ran out of toilet paper...
Kodachi's Voiceover: Thank you so very much for sharing that. Can
we get on with the story?
Ryoga's Voiceover: (annoyed) I'm getting there. Anyway, I walked
the earth, much like Kane in "Kung Fu", getting in adventures,
helping people....
(The flashback shows Ryoga spending a lot of time being thrown
out of restaurants, being chased by people with shotguns, and
demolishing small Nevadan towns.)
Ryoga's Voiceover: ...And searching for the technique that would
allow me to defeat Ranma once and for all!
(The scene shows Ryoga standing before a man in a tweed gi.)
Sensei: Are you prepared?
Ryoga: Hai, Williams-Sensei.
(They bow to each other, and snap into a fighting stance.)
Sensei: The total output of the domestic edge of the nonfixed
working base (as modified by the Keynesian Sliding Vector of
monocapacity) may be plotted at irregular intervals by utilizing a
Production Possibility Curve on the Mandlebrot Fixed Income
Pattern, assuming that the base is to be measured in terms of M1,
M2, or liverwurst, unless the wurst is accompanied by tariff
duties of over 23% of the GNP of Outer Zibitnik, in which case the
Veblin Yoyo Model is used along with the Planck Theory of Special
Capital Disbursement in Quantum Variables, leading us, of course,
to....
(Ryoga falls to the ground, fast asleep.)
Ryoga's Voiceover: Don't mention that to Nabiki, by the way. None
of the many schools I found had anything that would defeat
Saotome. None, that is, until...
(The scene shows Ryoga struggling up a snow-covered mountain,
heavily bundled up.)
Ryoga: (teeth chattering) Must...brr...defeat Ranma....gah.....and
Kasumi...
(He crests the mountain, and blinks. Before him is an ornate
temple, the spires ending in radar dishes. Groups of robed men
move about, talking and chanting. Oddly enough, the entire temple
seems to be in the middle of summer. Ryoga gratefully moves out
of the suddenly ending blizzard into the warm gardens surrounding
the building. Seeing a robed man passing, he grabs him by the
sleeve.)
Ryoga: (politely) Excuse me. Is this the Temple of the Way of
Gratuitous Death And Grievous Bodily Harm, perched high atop the
ghoul-haunted peaks of fabled Hyperboria?
Monk: No. It's the Temple of the Chaotic Weather Monks, perched
high atop the celebrity-haunted peaks of fabled Aspen, Colorado.
Close, though.
Ryoga: Damn. Suppose I'd better be going.
Monk: (speculative look) I don't suppose you're a wandering
martial artist, traveling the globe on a noble quest for revenge,
honor, and love?
Ryoga: (amazed) Yes, actually. How'd you guess?
Monk: (shrugging) We get a lot of you, especially in the off season.
We have a Secret Ultimate Chaos Weather Finishing Technique
workshop every weeknight, if you're interested.
Ryoga: Sounds impressive. And you just teach it to anyone?
Monk: (shocked) Oh, of course not!
Ryoga: That's good...
Monk: Only to those who pay the $500 workshop fee.
Ryoga: (outraged) $500 American? For one lousy ultimate
technique?
Monk: (shrugging) What do you expect? This is Aspen. You should
see the prices for ski rentals.
Ryoga: What exactly is this place, anyway?
Monk: Come along, and I shall show you.
(He leads Ryoga through the gardens.)
Monk: We are all devoted to meditating on the world's weather
patterns, and the seemingly random actions that influence them.
One day, we hope, we will discover the Unified Pattern, and the
intentions of whatever deity you believe in will be revealed, thus
bringing enlightenment.
Ryoga: (impressed) That's very deep.
Monk: The skiing's great, also.
(He stops before a statue of a fat, smiling man, with the produce
of the world at his feet. The monk bows, and performs abeisence.)
Ryoga: Ah. You honor the Buddha.
Monk: (blinking) Hmm? No, Willard Scott.
Kodachi's Voiceover: Who?
Ryoga's Voiceover: Some gaijin weather deity, who is locked in a
never-ending struggle with the Kami Gum-Bel, Lord of the
Present.
Kodachi's Voiceover: Lord of the Present?
Ryoga's Voiceover: Something like that. The monk said he was in
charge of Today. Anyway, I stayed with the monks for a long time,
learning the mechanics of chaos, the principles behind weather
patterns, and the best slopes for snowboarding. Finally, after
many long hours practice, I was taught the secret technique of the
Chaotic Weather Monks....
(Scene changes to a ornate hall, lined with monks. Ryoga walks up
to the their leader, who wears what appears to be a cross
between monastic robes and a lab coat.)
Head Monk: You have prepared yourself mentally and morally?
Ryoga: Hai, Sensei.
Head Monk: You have cleansed your Ki and Spirit by the sacred
exercises?
Ryoga: Hai, Sensei.
Head Monk: You have the 500 bucks?
Ryoga: Hai, Sensei. Do you take Visa?
Head Monk: Of course. And now, I shall impart to you the secret
maneuver of the Chaotic Weather Monks of Aspen - The Chaos
Butterfly Weather Point!
Ryoga: Butterfly?
Head Monk: As you know, a butterfly flapping it's wings in India
can cause storms in America. Chaos Theory teaches us that small
elements introduced to a system cascade, turning into large
elements. The Weather Point is a practical application of this. If
you can see the patterns in the chaos, you can influence it.
Ryoga: (skeptically) To do what?
Head Monk: This.
(His hands stab out with blinding speed, moving in a seemingly
random pattern, sending drafts of air moving in certain
directions. Suddenly, a storm cloud gathers outside.)
Head Monk: See that bottle on the fence?
(His hands move a different way. A bolt of lightning cracks down
out of the cloud, striking the bottle and shattering it. The head
monk ceases his thrusts, and the cloud slowly dissipates.)
Ryoga: (impressed) Wow.
Head Monk: Neat, huh? Didn't you ever wonder why the snow at
Aspen was so good?
Ryoga's Voiceover: It took me many long, hard days to gain the
proper grasp of chaos and weather....
(Scene shows Ryoga throwing paint in random patterns at a
canvas, while the head monk looks on.)
Ryoga: (finishing) What do you think, Sensei?
Head Monk: Very good. You are improving.
(He snaps his fingers, and another monk comes in and removes the
canvas, walks down to the town below, and sells it to a gallery
for five grand.)
Ryoga's Voiceover: ...But at long last, I mastered it!
(Scene shows Ryoga outside, meditating. Finally, he stands, and
moves his hands in a series of blinding sweeps. A dark cloud
forms above him, and begins to rain.)
P-chan: (triumpantly) Bwee! Bwee! Bweehahaha!
(A man in a chef's hat emerges from a building, spots him, and
begins to move forward, carving knife in hand. P-chan rears back
on his hind legs, thrashes his hooves, and a hailstone the size of a
watermelon lands on the man's head.)
P-chan: Bweehahahaha!!!!
(The flashback ends. Ryoga is laughing hysterically, while Kodachi
and Shampoo eye him dubiously.)
Shampoo: Gee, he's almost as good as you, Ko-chan.
(Ryoga stops suddenly, and looks embarrassed.)
Ryoga: Um. Anyway, do you know where Ranma might be?
Shampoo: Probably at work, from what I've heard.
Ryoga: Right. Animal control. (he turns toward where he imagines
the door is) RANMA, TONIGHT YOU BURN IN HELL!!!
(He charges off, breaking through the wall on the way out. Kodachi
turn to Shampoo.)
Kodachi: (puzzled) I don't get it. Why didn't you tell him it was a
misunderstanding?
Shampoo: (shrugging) Technique or not, Ranma will still beat the
stuffing out of him, and my Airen could use the practice. If we're
very lucky, he might even put the lost idiot in the hospital.
Kodachi: Point. (she examines a dress) What do you think of this
one?
Shampoo: (impressed) Ooooh. I've never seen a wedding dress done
in acid-etched black leather before.
Kodachi: I think the spikes are a nice touch, too. Assertive, yet
feminine.
(Scene changes to Doctor Hasigawa's office. Hasigawa is staring
mournfully at his appointment calender.)
Hasigawa: (sadly) Ah, Mr. Tendo, it was very selfish to go sane
like this. My poor article, gone like that....
Intercom: Nabiki Tendo to see you, Doctor.
Hasigawa: (holding down a button) Send her in.
(After a few moments, the door opens and Nabiki walks in.)
Nabiki: Hi Doc.
Hasigawa: Ah, Miss Tendo. Please sit down. (she does) So, your
father has recovered, ja?
Nabiki: So to speak. He's getting married in a few days. I'm sorry
he couldn't come; I understand you were looking forward to
studying him.
Hasigawa: (dismissing wave) Well, Soun's just this guy, you
know?
Nabiki: Right. Anyway, (her voice becomes nervous) recently I've
been getting these, um, feelings...
Hasigawa: Feelings?
Nabiki: For my younger sister.
Hasigawa: (puzzled) Protective feelings?
Nabiki: (wretchedly) Not exactly....
Hasigawa: Hmm. I'm afraid you're going to have to be more
specific. When you think of your sister and you, what leaps to
mind?
(Scene changes to the Animal Control car park, where the Pinto is
resting. Ranma and Saburo slowly approach from opposite
directions, stopping in front of the car.)
Ranma: Morning, Saburo.
Saburo: Ranma.
(They silently regard the car for a second.)
Ranma: You ready?
Saburo: Nope. You?
Ranma: Nope. Let's go.
(They reluctantly take their seats in the car, pausing briefly to
duct tape their respective doors back on.)
Saburo: (starting the engine) Maybe yesterday was a fluke. I mean,
surely it can't be that bad every day....
Ranma: Yeah. Yesterday was just bad luck. Nerima can't be that
bad animalwise all the time. Today'll be a milk run.
Saburo: (perking up) You think so?
Ranma: No, not really.
Saburo: Me either.
(The radio begins to beep insistently. Ranma eyes it with a look
people normally reserve for the more poisonous members of the
viper family.)
Saburo: (turning left) You might as well answer. Sugita was very
clear on the "No response, no paycheck" bit.
(Ranma reluctantly picks up the handset.)
Ranma: (warily) Yeah, what is it?
Radio: Mobile 23, we have a Code 695-Delta-B on the corner of
Katai and Itai Streets.
Ranma: Roger that. (he flips through the code list) "Code 695-
Delta-B : Waterfowl with switchblade menacing citizens."
Saburo: (relieved) That doesn't sound too bad.
Ranma: (frowning) No, it doesn't. But I got a funny feeling about
this...
Saburo: Yeah? A good funny feeling or a bad one?
Ranma: In this job? Take a guess, man.
Saburo: (glumly) Right. (he sighs) Pays good, though. End of the
week, I'm history.
Ranma: (curious look) Why'd you take the job, anyway?
Saburo: (blushing) Well, there's this girl...I finally got her to go
out on a date, but I don't have any cash, so...
Ranma: (impressed) ...So you're subduing rabid bears for the
privilege of asking her out. Must be some girl.
Saburo: (fervently) Oh, she is. I can't believe she actually agreed
to go out with me...
Ranma: (snorting) You're doing _this_ for her, and you wonder
why? Whoever she is, you're too good for her.
Saburo: (turning the corner) You know her, actually. She's Uk -
Holy Shit Look At That......
Ranma: (groaning) Great. I thought this might be it.
(Scene changes back to Dr. Hasigawa's office. Hasigawa is staring
at Nabiki.)
Nabiki: (dreamily) ...while the warm water washes over our
entwined bodies. That's what springs to mind. Doctor? Hello?
Hasigawa: (staring) Um. Well, this is rather unusual...
Nabiki: Do you think it could be stress?
Hasigawa: No...no, I am not thinking this is likely. I believe it is
what we call a Sappho-behavioral Orientation With Inter-Familial
Subhormonal Altered Perception/Desire Complex.
Nabiki: And what does that mean?
Hasigawa: You're a lesbian bent on incest.
Nabiki: (indignantly) I am _not_ a lesbian!
Hasigawa: That was the impression I got from your monologue.
Ever think of selling the film rights?
Nabiki: (upset) But I like guys!
Hasigawa: You do? Well, then, it seems I was mistaken.
Nabiki: Good!
Hasigawa: You're a bisexual bent on incest.
Nabiki: NO! I'm not attracted to women, just my sister! And not
even that until yesterday!
Hasigawa: (furrowing his brow) Aha. Has there been any, ah,
dramatic change in your family or social life?
Nabiki: Well, my father's getting married to a girl younger than
me...aside from that, no.
Hasigawa: I see. Well, these two things are likely related. I think
what you are having, Fraulein Tendo, is a subconscious response
to your father's marriage. In a effort to protest and identify with
him, you too display interest in a younger woman. Might even have
a article in it, or at the very least an HBO special.
Nabiki: (concerned) Can you help?
Hasigawa: Well, they would certainly have me help as a technical
consultant, and might even have me play myself...
Nabiki: (annoyed) I mean can you cure me, you idiot.
Hasigawa: (blinking) Hmm? Oh, yes, with therapy I am thinking you
will quickly lose these impulses. Have you told your sister?
Nabiki: Hell no.
Hasigawa: I am thinking this is perhaps for the best. In my
professional opinion it might disturb her to learn that her older
sister wishes to sleep with her.
Nabiki: (sarcastically) Gee, the things they teach you in med
school.
Hasigawa: Oh yes, they are quite thorough. So, I believe I wish to
see you three times a week. With effort, I hope to see a recovery
within a month.
Nabiki: (relieved) Thank you, Doctor. (she pauses) They'd pay good
money for the story rights, eh?
Hasigawa: Oh yes. I understand there's an enormous market for
this sort of thing.
Nabiki: Would they change the names?
Hasigawa: I believe so...
Nabiki: (reflectively) Hmm.
(Scene changes to the Tendo home. Kasumi is on the phone.)
Kasumi: ...Yes, plane fare included. Why? I'm not sure, but she was
very insistent...yes, the fee's payable in advance...what? No, we
don't expect heavy fighting...last time? What last...oh, I see. Okay,
then! Bye!
(She hangs up the phone. Soun walks in.)
Kasumi: The wedding's almost all planned, daddy. I only have a few
more guests to invite.
Soun: I see. Good. And the caterers?
Kasumi: Shampoo is doing most of the food, and a firm from the
city is doing the rest. A Unryuu and Daughter. And I just got off
the phone with the band Kodachi recommended.
(Scene changes to a disreputable looking bar, where four scruffy-
looking gaijin are standing around looking puzzled.)
Gaijin 1: Cor, all the way to Tokyo? Oi never been to Japan..
Gaijin 2: Neither have I, but they're paying for the plane fare. And
our salary's obscenely large, just for one wedding.
Gaijin 3: Good gig.
(The fourth one bursts into tears.)
Gaijin 1: Aww, don't take it so hard....
Gaijin 3: Buck up.
Gaijin 4: (tearfully) 'm sorry...ah, but it's cruel hard ta be hearin'
it...
END OF EPISODE 5
Thanks go to Zen, Kergma, and Travis Butler.
Special Thanks to Williams-Sensei, for giving me a "C" in MacroEcon.
Fnord.