Magical Girl Fanfic Theater By Peter L. Ward Starring: - Miyakawa Mika as Exquisite Soldier Lovely Freesia - Toriyama Akiko as Exquisite Soldier Crimson Rose - Mura Natsumi as Exquisite Soldier Golden Poppy - Ferris as Exquisite Soldier Pretty Daisy - Takara Akira as Exquisite Soldier Wild Orchid - and Penko as herself Guest Starring Hino Rei as the Magical Girl Corps Supreme Commander Tonight's Feature Presentation: All Wet by Henry J. Cobb [The lights come up on the holovid theater once again. Mika, Akiko, Natsumi, and Ferris are in their seats discussing something, with Penko in Mika's lap as usual.] [Penko] Girls, we're starting. [Mika] Already? Geez! I'm Miyakawa Mika. [Akiko] I'm Toriyama Akiko. [Natsumi] HiHiHiHiiii!!! I'm Mura Natsumi!!! [Ferris] And I'm Ferris, and I have a question. Do we have to go through this roll call every time we do this schtick? It's getting old! [Penko] Well, I think it would help our audience know who we were if we introduced ourselves. [Akiko] True, but it does tend to take up time. I'm in favor of dropping it. [Natsumi] But, but, but...I love saying "Hi!" to everyone out there! [Mika] Well, I want to drop it as well. I think that makes it three to one in favor of dropping that bit altogether. [Penko] *Ahem* I think you're forgetting someone.... [Mika] Sorry. Three to two. Still doesn't change the outcome! [Akiko] It's just as well, since we're supposed to be getting our fifth and last team member tonight. [Mika] That's right! What happened with the pretty boys lawsuit? [Akiko] They won, of course. That means that we get to be the first magical girl team to have a guy on it. [Ferris] All right! I can't wait to get my hands on him! That is...if he's a hunk! [Mika] Sorry, but he's mine! He *is* a hunk, isn't he, Akiko? [Akiko] I don't know. I haven't seen him, but since he's supposed to be a pretty boy, I'd presume so. Then again, I'm trying to remember what grandma said before about some of the pretty boys out there... [The doors to the theater slide open and in steps a young woman with long dark hair, even longer legs, and gorgeous looks. The most distinctive thing about her is the uniform she's wearing...that of Sailor Mars.] [All four girls, suddenly standing at attention (with Penko dropping to the floor] Chief Hino! [Rei] At ease, girls. I'm just here to introduce you to your new team member. I do have to wonder how you're getting all your information, Crimson Rose. [Akiko, shrugging sheepishly] Well, it does help to have some inside sources... [Rei] That's right...Toriyama Miyako was your grandmother, as well as one of the first members of the corps... [Akiko, now looking up innocently] As well as your first cousin removed... [Rei] Alright, already! Anyway, here's the newest member of the Exquisite Soldiers, Takara Akira...codenamed Wild Orchid. [As Rei steps aside, a young man steps up to the girls. He has medium-length wavy blonde hair, brown eyes, and handsome looks with a slight androgynous touch to them. He's wearing a lavender body- suit with a white sash cutting diagonally across his well-muscled chest. His legs are sheathed in white, knee-length boots, while matching elbow-length gloves cover his forearms and hands. Instead of a choker, he wears a silver chain with a lavender gem set in it. The only item he's wearing that would match the girls' uniforms would be the green plexiglas eyemask.] [Akira, smiling brightly] Hello ladies. [Mika, Natsumi, and Ferris, all dreamy-eyed] Hello Akira.... [Akiko, smiling and holding out her hand] Hello there. I'm Akiko. [Penko, from the floor where Mika dropped her] And I'm Penko, the team's liason with MGC command. [As the other girls introduce themselves to the young man, and Mika picks Penko back up, Rei turns to leave, but pauses for a moment.] [Rei] By the way, I've been reading up the reports on you girls. I'd keep Pretty Daisy here away from Wild Orchid. See you girls later. [As Rei leaves, Mika gets a triumphant look on her face and grins broadly at a scowling Ferris.] [Mika, smiling brightly at Akira] Well, why don't you make yourself comfortable right next to me, Akira. [Akira, looking a bit sheepish] Well, sure, why not? [Ferris] Hey, no fair, Mika! Just because Chief Hino said to keep him away from me doesn't mean that you can go hog wild with him! [Mika, feigning innocence] Hey, it's just coincidence that I'm at one end of the group and you're at the other end! I'm just following Chief Hino's orders... [Ferris, muttering] Yeah, right. [Penko] Now that we seem to be all settled, maybe we can get on with the actual fanfic review... [Mika] Right! Tonight, we have a short fanfic brought to us by Henry J. Cobb. The title is "All Wet". Let's roll it! [As the lights dim down, we briefly glimpse Mika putting her hand on Akira's hand, causing him to look uncomfortable.] ----- "All Wet" By Henry J. Cobb She's so cruel when she splashes me. If I was blind, would she take away my cane? If I was lame, would she kick out my crutches? ----- [Ferris, singing] Will you still feed me? Will you still need me? When I'm sixty-four! [Penko] Hush, child! ----- She wouldn't cut it off with a knife, but the least little provocation and out comes the bucket to wash it away. ----- [Mika] Be glad you're not engaged to whatshername...Lorna...Lina... [Akiko] Lorena Bobbit? Yeah, that would have been nasty... ----- And it's all great fun, because it's only temporary. Has she forgotten the Cat Tongue, the Chiisuiton? Next time I might not be so lucky. Any day now I could get stuck forever in the cursed girl form. ----- [Ferris] Is that so bad a problem, jerk? You don't see any of us, Akira excepted, complaining about being girls! How about we dunk you in Spring of Drowned Rat and see you complain about how bad it is being a girl. [Mika] Geez, you're real uppity tonight. Still sore at being ordered to stay away from Akira? [Ferris] Grrrrrrr.... ----- Then she'd be sorry about all the precious moments of my masculinity she's stolen away with her jokes. I'll show her how funny it is. Next time she splashes me, I'll grab her and give her a good girl to girl kiss, right on the lips. And I'll rub my ample talents against her stick figure. Let's see how she likes that. ----- [Ferris] No, you idiot! First, you turn back to being a guy, then you rub your talent against her. Or, if you'd prefer, you have her rub her talents against you. None of this girl-to-girl stuff! [The other girls, Penko, and Akira look at Ferris in embarrasment] [Akiko] Um, Ferris, I don't think that was called for there... [Mika] Besides, I think you missed the point, right Akira? [Mika gives Akira's hand a gentle squeeze, causing him to look even more uncomfortable] [Akira] Um, right, Mika... ----- But. What if she responds? What if she likes it that way? What if what she really wants isn't me, it's onna-Ranma? ----- [Ferris] I hope the author isn't saying what I think he's saying... [Mika] So what if he is? It's a perfectly good question to raise. [Akira] Besides, it isn't as if there's anything wrong with being a gay or lesbian. [Ferris, standing up] Nothing wrong? NOTHING WRONG?!? It's not natural, that's what's wrong? [Akira, getting defensive] Well, excuse me for being unnatural, then! [Everyone goes to stunned silence...everyone except for Akiko, that is.] [Akiko, bringing a fist down into her open hand] Oh, yeah...that's what grandmother said about pretty boys! Some of them are gay. [Mika] You mean, you're... [Akira] 'Fraid so. Sorry, Mika. [Mika glances down at her hand on Akira's, blushes, and removes it.] [Mika] Actually, I'm the one who should be sorry...didn't meant to make you uncomfortable or anything... [Akira] That's all right...I should have said so from the start. Still friends? [As Mika reaches out to shake Akira's outstreched hand, Ferris lets out a growl.] [Ferris, standing stiff with anger and having a face as red as her hair] As a matter of fact, no. You *tricked* us! [Akira, muttering] I was afraid of this when I was told there was a myanaran on the team. [Ferris, ignoring him and popping out her claws] I'll make you suffer for tricking us! [As Ferris gets ready to pounce on Akira, Mika reaches across Akiko and grabs Natsumi.] [Mika] Natsumi, quick! Your Poppy Seed Cloud! Use it on Ferris! [Natsumi] But, but, but...she's on our team! [Mika, hissing] Just do it, ditz! [Natsumi, with a frightened look on her face] Poppy...Seed...Cloud!!!! [As soon as the words are chanted, a literal cloud of poppy seeds surrounds Ferris. Since the seeds are from the opium poppy, they cause Ferris to collapse, stoned. Mika and Akiko leap onto their out-of-control teammate and tie and gag her.] [Mika] There! Hated to do that, but... [Akiko] Hey, you had to do it. Comes with being team leader, I guess... [Natsumi, sobbing] But, but why did Ferris attack Akira? After all, he said he was happy, right? [Mika, rolling her eyes] You mean you don't know what it means when someone says they're gay? [Natsumi, confused as usual] Ummmm...I thought that meant being happy? [Akiko, putting a hand on Mika's shoulder] Listen, I'll take Natsumi aside to explain things to her. You and Akira finish reviewing the fic, all right? [As Mika and Akira nod, Akiko takes Natsumi to the back of the theater and the fic starts rolling again.] ----- She sure seemed happy to see me that first day, in my girl form. When it turned out that I really was a boy, she was shaking. From what? Anger? Probably. She's always been very relaxed and supportive, whenever I'm stuck as a girl. Is she relieved that I'm a girl and so her father can't force us to marry, or that I'm that girl, the one she's really interested in? In the play, I put tape over Kuno's lips, because I couldn't bring myself to kiss a guy, whatever the prize. Is that why she put tape over my lips? During the melon race, she complained that I was about to kiss her, as a girl, in front of other people. Was she really afraid they'd see her reaction? I'm not the only one to notice how strangely accommodating Akane is with my curse. Shampoo calls her a violent pervert girl. Shampoo sure called the violence right, maybe she's right about the other part too. She comes from an amazon society, probably she's seen this before. Even if Akane is that way, I'd still love her. Could I stay a girl forever for her? That's crazy. Akane's all woman. She just doesn't show it very well. Still, I'd best not try it. ----- [Mika] Like I said, it's a short one. Not too bad, though. [Akira] Yeah. It raises some interesting points and questions about Akane. [Mika] True. Though I don't think she has any lesbian tendencies in her, those were some good observations. I would agree with Ranma, though. He really shouldn't try it. It'd probably get himself sent into lunar orbit. [Akira, laughing] No doubt about that. [Ferris starts coming out of her stupor, finds herself bound and gagged, and glares at Mika and Akira.] [Ferris] Mmph! Mmm-mmm-m-mmm-mmmph!!! [Mika, in a teasing voice and winking at Akira] What's that, Ferris? You liked this mini-fic? You want to see Ranma go through with it and end up with a girl-girl scene? [Ferris, now rocking and squirming violently in her seat] MMMMMMPPPPPHHHHH!!!!!! Mmm-mmmmm-m-mmmm-mmmm-mmmmph! [As Ferris tries to cuss through her gag, Akiko and Natsumi walk back up to join the others.] [Natsumi, looking at Akira happily] Akiko explained it to me! She said that you just like guys, that's all. By the way Ferris was acting, I thought you were a pervert like that gopher that came by several weeks ago. [As Akira bigsweats, Akiko comes behind Mika and whispers into her ear.] [Akiko] That's about all I think she understood. I didn't get too much into what they exactly did since I don't think she's capable of handling that information.] [Mika, whispering back.] I'm not surprised.... [Mika, now speaking up and to the camera] Well, I guess that'll wrap it up for this episode of Magical Girl Fanfic Theater! See you next time! [Mika, Penko and Akira get up to join Akiko and Natsumi, leaving Ferris behind. As they reach the door, Mika looks down.] [Mika] Well, well, speak of the devil! No, you can't touch me, but I think you'll find Ferris ready and waiting up front, you pervert gopher. [As the five leave, we see AlberCrombie, the Space Gopher, walking down the aisle to where Ferris still bound and gagged. We hear his chuckling and her muffled screams as the camera fades out...]