Just a little something I threw together on a whim...
                                                    - P-word.

==============================================================================
Clogged Sink Press Presents:

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction:


                           A Cullinary Catastrophe


By Plunger

      All characters copyright of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan Inc. and
              Viz Communications, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah...

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[Story begins...]

Akane stood in the kitchen wearing a frilly apron that Kasumi might normally 
wear. What was different was that there were assorted burn marks and dirty
smears on it that would never have been found on any apron of Kasumi's.

Akane frowned in concentration as she raised her guard for the next round.
The lunch she had been preparing for Ranma was unusually skillful, and was
actually proving to be quite a handful. It would have been a ladelful but for
the fact that it wouldn't stay in one place long enough for her to actually
get any of it into Ranma's lunch box. 

She snorted in frustration. For some odd reason, her cooking seemed to almost
have a will of it's own. No matter what she did, it did it's darndest to avoid
ending up in any sort of food carrying container. It was as if it had some 
sort of survival instinct. If she had bothered to think about it, she might 
have concluded that she actually had living (well, sort of) proof of Darwin's
theory of survival of the fittest, and this lunch was proving to be *very* 
fit.

Finally, the lunch popped out of the pot to attack her. This time she was 
ready however. As it struck, she caught it's attack and hip tossed it into 
the bentou box. She immediately looked away and pressed the pedal to seal the
trap...er...lunchbox. With a brilliant flash of light, the box slammed shut,
the dull boom echoing around the now charred room.

Akane nodded to herself in satisfaction and picked the box up. It jumped a 
little as electricity ran through it. Carefully taking by the handle, she 
placed it in Ranma's school bag and then carried it out of the kitchen.

She arrived at the breakfast table just as Ranma arrived from his morning
training session. He noted Akane's smile and nervously said, "What?"

"I made you lunch," she said sweetly, and then added with venom, "And you'd
better eat it and like it!"

Ranma grimaced and turned to his breakfast. If one of Akane's lunches was 
in store, he'd better savour breakfast. It might be his last meal...

Some minutes and several punches later, Ranma and Akane ran out of the house
heading for Furinkan High. It wasn't so much that they were running *to* 
school as Ranma was running *away* from Akane, who was determindly chasing 
him. She was determined that he was going to eat her lunch or die. Although 
it occured to her that both was always a possibilty...

Ranma sat in class trying desparately not to think of the inpending torture
that he would inevitably suffer at the hands of Akane...or her lunch... Which-
ever got him first... 

Shortly afterwards, the bell rang and the entire student body of Furinkan High
poured out in a desparate and futile attempt to escape the inevitable weird-
ness of any day at Furinkan. They were not to be disapointed.

Ranma, Akane, Ukyou and Ryouga all sat around on the grass in front of the
school building. For some odd reason, Ryouga had somehow stumbed into the
grounds and joined them, much to Ranma's displeasure. They two martial artists
glared evilly at each other behind Akane's back as she sat between them, while
Akane and Ukyou did likewise behind Ranma's back.

"Here's your lunch, Ranma." Akane said with mock cheerfulness. Although 
her tone was light, her eyes sent a message that would brook no argument.

Ranma reluctantly took the box, noting that it was both very heavy and seemed
to twitching of it's own accord. He eyed it suspiciously for a moment, trying
to decide if he feared Akane's wrath or the unknown contents of this seemingly
demonic bentou box. One look at Akane's expression made the decision for him.
No matter what was in the box, it had to be infinitely less scary than Akane
in a bad mood. With some reluctance, Ranma opened the box...

There was an enraged roar and a massive misshappen blob of some sort of 
vaguely foodlike substance leapt out of the box. It landed on the ground a
few feet away, turning to pulsate evilly at them. It appeared to have a skin
of rice and mixed vegetable coating it's shapeless body.

"What the hell is that?!" Ranma exclaimed, "Is this a joke."

Akane put her hands under her chin in concern, "Oh, dear. It wasn't that 
angry when I put it in the box... Though it did fight a bit..." 

Ukyou got up and pulled her fighting spatula, "You cooked this, Akane-chan?
No wonder Ran-chan is scared of you. Don't you know what sort of trouble you
can get into with dark magic?!"

As luck should have it, Hikaru Gosunkugi happened by at that moment. Seeing 
this odd (even for Furinkan) sight, he raised his camera to take a few snap
shots for posterity's sake. As soon as he took the first shot, the creature
turned and grabbed him with three slime coated tentacles and shoved him whole
into it's drooling, fanged maw. It pulsated for a moment and then doubled in
size, now sharing the same dimentions of your average bean bag.

Ukyou stared at the sight for a moment and then turned back to Akane, "See 
what I mean? Dark magic..."

Ranma glared at the thing suspiciously, "That thing just ate Gosunkugi!"

Ukyou nodded, "Yeah... There's just no accounting for taste..."

"Wha?" stammered Ranma in confusion.

"Nothing," Ukyou added, rolling here eyes, "What now?"

Ranma clenched his fists, "We take it down!"

Ryouga got up and moved forward to join the other two. "Right!" he added.

"Decided to join us, did you?" asked Ukyou dryly.

Ryouga ignored the barb and pulled a bunch of bandannas. "Let's see how it
likes a few of these!" he shouted, throwing the spinning projectiles at the
creature. 

The bandannas sank into the creature for seemingly no effect, until it 
pulsated again and grew even larger.

"Oh, great..." Ranma muttered, "Now it's even bigger!"

At this moment Kunou appeared nearby. "What manner of fiendish creation is
this?! SAOTOME! I KNOW you are responsible for this! I will not allow your
evil demon spawn to devour this fair place of learning." He turned the the
monster and raised his bokuto, "Have at you!" he cried and lunged forwards
to run it through.

The monster did not move as Kunou's blade pierced it's body. Indeed it seemed
to grab the weapon and drag Kunou in as his momentum carried him forwards.
With a soggy squeltch, Kunou was absorbed into the pulsating mass. It shudd-
ered for a moment and then grew again. It was now about the size of a medium
sized car.

Having recovered from the sight, Ranma said, "You know... This thing may not 
be so bad after all... It's eaten Gosunkugi... And Kunou... Why don't you go
try next, Ryouga?!"

"You wish!" Ryouga grunted.

The creature was about to move towards them, when the entire Furinkan track
team, who were out on a training run, came around a corner and ran slap-bang
into (and I MEAN *into*) the creature. A moment after absorbing the runners,
the creatures increased massively in size until it was now as tall as the 
school building itself. 

As it slowly turned it's lumbering form towards Ranma and the others, it 
bumped the building, totally destroying the west wing.

"Okay! This thing is causing way too much havoc! Let's take it down!" Ranma
shouted, rallying his troops. Ryouga and Ukyou nodded in agreement. Ukyou 
pulled some throwing spatulas, while Ryouga drew his chi energy for a power
blast.

"Okay! Hit it!" Ranma shouted.

As one, Ukyou, Ranma and Ryouga attacked. Ukyou's spatulas sailed gracefully
through the air, embedding themselves in the bulbous body as Ranma's Moukou
Takabisha and Ryouga's Shishihoukoudan slammed into it. 

The creature roared in pain as the blasts seared it's rice and vegetable 
skin. Almost instantly, it grew more tentacles for various parts of it's 
body and swung wildly at them. Ranma evaded the attacks, while Ukyou hacked
and chopped at it with her fighting spatula. Ryouga, refusing to give ground,
using every ounce of his defensive skills to fend the creature off. It was 
even stronger than he was. 

After a few moment's of this endless barrage, Ukyou faltered as the tentacles 
bore their weight down on her. She stumbled back and was caught across the 
face by a swinging limb. She dropped to the ground unconscious.

Ryouga, noticing that his backup was suddenly gone, turned to look at her and
was sent flying by and tentacle uppercut. He landed heavily against a tree and
slumped to the ground.

Ranma, seeing that his friends were down, rushed in, determined to give the
creature a taste of it's own medicine. Reaching it's side, he drew back his 
fist and cut loose. "KACCHU-TENSHIN-AMAGURI-KEN!" 

His fists blazed as he rained punches down on it's spongy body. Soon, however, 
he found his fists were just sinking into it and he was forced to give up 
ground as it made another attack. 

Ranma leapt back to find Akane just standing there watching it. "What are you
doing?!" he demanded, "I thought you were a martial artist?!"

Akane snapped awake, "Oh! So I'm a martial artist *now*, am I-"

She was cut off as Ranma grabbed her and leapt to the side as a massive 
tentacle slammed down where she had been standing.

"Just get out of the way and let me handle it!" he yelled and he ran forwards.

Ranma leapt up to deliver a savage flying kick to what he assumed was the 
monster's face. Indeed his assessment appeared to be correct as a gaping
maw opened to swallow him whole.

Akane stared in fascinated horror as the slathering jaws of the hideous 
comestible horror devoured her fiancee.

The creature seemed pleased with it's effort, drooling and burbling cheer-
fully to itself. After a moment of pulsating malevolently, it began to 
shamble haphazardly towards the school building perhaps sensing more food 
inside.

For her vantage point, Akane stared blankly at the misshapen bulbous creature.
It had devoured Ranma. Eaten him. That wasn't right. He was supposed eat it.
Not the other way around. At least that was the plan when she cooked it...

Akane slumped to her knees as realisation hit her. Ranma was dead. Devoured
by a monster of her creation. It was one thing to make people, including her
fiancee, sick, but she never dreamed that she might actually kill someone.

Bowing her head, she began to cry brokenly, wracked with heartfelt sobs of
guilt and misery. She had killed Ranma. She was responsible. She had killed
him without ever having the chance to tell him how much she cared for him.
And now he was gone. She looked up in misery and rage at the nightmare she
had created by her own hand.

Slowly climbing to her feet Akane stood to face the morphous horror. 
Gathering her courage, she ran around in front of it, grabbing Ukyou's 
fighting spatula from the Okonomiyaki's chef's unconscious hand. When 
she moved into it's path, she raised the spatula and shouted, "STOP! 
I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR EATING RANMA!"

The monster paused for a moment, as if sizing her up. After a moment, it
sent a tentacle snaking down towards her, having aparently decided that she
would make a nice snack. 

Akane reared back and lopped the tentacle off with the bladed spatula. The
monster howled in pain as soy sauce spurted from the wound. "None of that!"
she said in her most commanding voice, "I made you! I can destroy you!"

The monster seemed to pull back for a moment and then hissed alarmingly. 

Akane swallowed. The thing was really very big, and, despite the fact that 
she had indeed made it, she didn't know if a massive sentient pile of rice,
meat and mixed vegtables actually had a weakness. No matter. She had to 
defeat it for Ranma's sake. He had to be avenged...

The monster growled, moving into a food-monster-style-martial-arts stance.

Akane saw this and raised the spatula in recognition of the challenge. "I 
ACCEPT!" she cried angrilly. This stupid thing had eater her Ranma, for that,
it would pay.

The monster slathered forward, striking at her with it's many tentacles and
forcing her back. Akane countered by slicing some of the tentacles off and
parrying others. Although a spatula didn't handle quite like a shinnai, her 
skill with pole arms was enough that she was able to improvise.

Seeing that her attacks were actually succeeding, Akane took heart and pushed
the offensive, forcing the creature back. With a cry of exhaultation, she
leapt into the air for an overhead smash.

If the blow had landed, it would have cleaved the creature cleanly in two. If
it had landed... 

The creature, sensing this dire threat to it's existance, sent it's tentacles 
up so that they coiled around her arms, legs, and body, leaving her hanging 
helplessly from it's grip.

Akane tried to wrest herself free of the grip of the slimy tentacles, but to
no avail. It was too strong at it's grip was too tight. 

The monster roared at it's success and opened it's gaping maw to devour her
as well.

<Oh well...> Akane thought philosophically, <At least I get to be with Ranma 
now...>

Just as the monster was moving her over it's massive slathering mouth, it 
shuddered violently. Akane stared hard at it and could have sworn it looked 
like it had suffered a sudden bout of intergestion. A moment later, a massive 
and hideous burp emanated from it, causing Akane to turn away, eyes squeezed
shut as the vile odour washed over her like some form of fetid wind.

"Yuk..." she mumbled, trying to push down the bile that rose in the back of
her throat.

The monster resumed it's previous action, slowly lowering her to it's mouth.

Akane looked down into the gaping pit, thinking how it looked not unlike that
scene in the desert from Return of the Jedi. If only her jedi would return to 
rescue her, she thought glumly.

All of a sudden, there was a massive explosion and the creature roared in pain
as it was blown apart by some massive force. 

Akane fell to the ground, hard, landing unceremoniously on her butt. "Owch!"
she cried at the sudden shock. Looking up, she could see the creature was 
scattered over a wide area. Smoking chunks were hanging from the trees and 
many extremely grosed out students, who were mostly either looking for a place
to shower or somewhere to throw up.

>From out of the smoke, Akane heard a voice that sent her spirit soaring. She 
recognised it instantly as Ranma's.

"Akane is my fiancee... If you eat her, I'll kill you..."

Akane got up and looked around. A moment later she saw Ranma stepping over 
a particularly large chuck of the smouldering monster. "Ranma!" she cried 
joyously.

Ranma looked up at her call and smiled. Within moments they were together, 
holding each other amongst the smoking wreackage.

Akane looked loving up into Ranma's eyes, "Ranma... I thought my cooking had
killed you... I was worried I'd never see you again..."

Ranma smiled down at her, "Don' worry. It'd take more than that to kill me.
Not even your cooking is that lethal!" he said with a teasing smile.

Akane frowned at him, "Ranma..." said murmured, her tone warning.

"What?" Ranma asked, backing up. "What's wrong?"

Akane picked up a stray tentacle to use in leiu of a mallet, "You don't have 
to insult my cooking again!"

At this moment Nabiki arrived on the scene wearing a haz-chem suit. "Actually,
he's got more reason than ever to complain about it..." she noted dryly.

Akane looked around and sighed, "Yeah... You're right, I suppose... Maybe I
should give up cooking..."

Ranma smiled, "Don't give up, Akane. You've got a promising career ahead of
you."

Akane looked puzzled, "What? As a chef?"

Ranma laughed, "Hell, no! As a cutting edge bio-weapons designer! Look at
the damage that thing did!"

Akane paused in her thrashing of Ranma long enough to look around at the 
scene. <He might be right,> she thought wryly, <But I'm not about to tell 
him that!>
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                                  - Fin -

WHEW! 1 Hour! All done! What d'you think of that?

plunger@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au