I beg to anyone out there who will take pity on a fool (I deleted  my copy)
would you please repost A Real Woman!! I didn't even get  to read it. 
BWAH AUGHHHHH!!!!!!!  Please take pity on me.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Very well.  Since there have been several requests, here it goes again. 
If you've already read this, don't bother with it again.  I haven't changed it
a jot.

Here goes:

After reading Doughboy's "A Real Man" story, the idea for the following
story came to my
demented mind.  It's essentially a parody of said story, from a somewhat
different perspective.  I
am baldly plagiarizing his story for purposes of this fic, and make no
apology for it! :-) 
Seriously, though, I hope he doesn't mind (too much, anyway).  Hope y'all
like it.  

WARNING: This story contains frank and rather crude discussion  of
sexual promiscuity and
other wrongful behavior.  Parts of it  may be quite offensive.  You'd
better not read it . . . (I even
stole this warning directly from Doughboy.  Boy, am I a jerk!)

[LEMON] Ranma 1/2: A Real Woman

I had just about had it.  All this time had passed, and Ranma and I had
never gotten anywhere. 
Tonight, however, I had the perfect excuse, and I went for it all.

You see, Kodachi put some sort of drug into the punch at Ukyou's party. 
It didn't take any
mental gymnastics to realize what happened.  Ukyou had reverted to her
boy-act, speaking in a
low, gravelly  voice, challenging all the guys in the room to tests of 
strength, and pinching
Azusa's ass.  Mousse cowered in a  corner, crying for his mother to
come and make the monsters
go  away.  Ryouga crawled around on all fours, grunting and  squealing
and eating whatever
spilled on the floor.  Shampoo  lost her accent and spoke impeccable
Japanese.  Fortunately, I
caught on before I imbibed any of the stuff, but Ranma didn't know that.

It was pretty easy to act like I was under the influence of the drugs. 
First, I acted like a
nymphomaniac.  I flirted with all the guys at the party, blowing kisses and
 dancing dirty. 
Ranma demanded we leave as soon as I started doing a striptease for
Kuno.  All the way home, I
groped him and tried to kiss him to try to get him in the mood.  He wasn't
having any of it,
though.  "Baka!" he scolded.  "You're  high as a kite!  It's Kodachi's shit
talking.  You don't mean 
any of this!"  I tried to say no, I love you, I want you, I'll  be a kawaii wife
for you, but it wasn't
working.

Well, it was working on one level.  I could tell that my attentions had
Ranma's wandalier
standing at attention and I was able to convince Ranma to take me
upstairs to my room.  At last.

I had stripped down to my undergarments, Ranma's eyes as wide as
saucers.  I could tell he liked
what he saw and I was loving it.  When I reached around to unfasten my
bra, however, he
reached out and stopped me.  "No Akane," he whispered. "We  can't do
this." 

I had to act fast.  I put my hand to his cheek.   "Sweet Ranma.  Don't be
nervous.  It's my first 
time, too."  A light breeze blew the through the window,  parting the
curtains and increasing the
moonlight that shone on  the two of us as we stood gazing into each
other's eyes.

************************************************

OK, so it was a little white lie.  Of course, Ranma wouldn't know that it
wasn't MY first time. 
Thankfully I've been able to keep it from Ranma for all this  time, but I'm no
virgin.  Don't get
me wrong: I love Ranma, though I sometimes have trouble telling him.  I
can't explain how he
makes me feel.  It's just that sometimes, I need a little more than he's been
willing to provide. 
And of course, Ranma wasn't *always* around...

My first time was with Hikaru Gosunkugi.  Yeah, he looks a little strange,
but he was always
nice to me.  At least he wasn't trying to beat me up like every other boy
at school.  This, of
course, occurred before Ranma came into my life.  Unfortunately,
Gosunkugi wasn't very good. 
I don't think he was really ready for it.  First of all, he left me in the lurch
by finishing too soon. 
But worse, ever since that time, he's acted really weird, with all this
occult stuff and paper dolls
and candles on his head and everything.  He also acts as though its
some great favor if I so much
as speak to him.  Geez, you'd think that if I was willing to sleep with him
I'd be willing to talk to
him.  Well, it's a shame, but I guess it couldn't be helped...

My next lover, also a one-shot, was Kunou.  You already know how he
said no one could date
me unless they defeated me, blah, blah, blah...  Well, I thought maybe he
wouldn't be so bad, and
so long as I couldn't date anyone else...  It developed, however, that I
was in error.  He was every
bit the obnoxious jerk in bed as he was out of it.  I was sore for days,
even though it couldn't
have lasted more than thirty seconds.  It's not that he was all that big,
either.  He was just so
rough as he pounded away.    Unfortunately, now that we've done it
once, he seems to act as
though he has a right to it.  Fortunately, I can easily rebuff him.  But
Kunou was easily the worst
partner I've ever had.

Not at all like Tofu-sensei.  Tofu-sensei is the exact opposite of Kunou, a
very kind and
appreciative lover.  In a way, it's too bad that he didn't realize it was me
he made love to.  You
see, I had long had a crush on Tofu-sensei.  Oh, not now, since Ranma's
come along.  But I had
long dreamed of Tofu-sensei and me in bed together.  I got my chance
one day when I was at the
clinic.  Kasumi came in, and you know how Tofu-sensei gets whenever
Kasumi is around.  As
soon as she left I made my move.  Tofu-sensei hadn't recovered from his
exposure to Kasumi
until long after we had finished.  I honestly believe that, to this day,
Tofu-sensei thinks that it
was Kasumi that awarded him with her affections.  It was the first time,
though, that I was
*completely* satisfied with the act of lovemaking, if you catch my drift.  I'll
never forget it and
will always be thankful for that moment.

I've had others since Ranma's come along, too.  I've been with Ryoga
and Mousse fairly
regularly.  It's not so good that I'd consider giving up Ranma for either one
of them, though.  For
one thing, Ryoga's a quick shooter, if you know what I mean, and I think
you do.  Sometimes he
comes before I've even touched him.  And as for Mousse, his heart is set
on Shampoo.  I can
only do it with him to console him when he's particularly distressed with
his situation.  Not that
he's that great, either, but he's not bad in the sack.

Pantyhose Taro was a little like Kunou, but not as bad.  When he
kidnapped me, we were there
alone on that mountain for quite a while before Ranma came for me.  I
hadn't meant to do
anything with him, but one thing kinda lead to another, and well...  Kumon
Ryuu was a little
better.  He was pretty cute, though, and, after all, I *was* his fiancee
when he was "Saotome
Ranma".  Well, so to speak.  I know I shouldn't have done it, but I just
couldn't help it.  I've also
done it with Chappatsu and Daisuke.  I mean, what was I supposed to
do?  Ranma was out of
town and his two friends were so fine...


Without question, though, the best man I've been with that's my age is
Tsubasa.  No question.  It
was almost as good as it was with Tofu-sensei.  Needless to say, I was
surprised, but pleasantly
so.  But, like Mousse, he's got his cap set on someone else and is only
occassionally available. 
It's too bad, really, because Ukyou really doesn't know what she's
missing.  Well, her loss is my
gain, I figure.  

Note that I said that Tsubasa is the best I've been with that's my age. 
The best lover I've been
with, hands down, is Happosai.  I know it sounds kind of surprising, and
maybe a little sick, but,
well, they don't call him the "Master" for nothing.  Now, Happosai is not
very well endowed, but
he is living proof that size doesn't matter.  Don't get me wrong: given
lovers of equal skill,
bigger is better.  But skill can more than make up for deficiencies in other
areas.  I guess that,
over the years, Happosai has had a *lot* of experience.  His martial arts
techniques, while
formidable, are not nearly so much as certain other techniques he
knows.  He's the only man I've
ever had multiple orgasms with.  Now, if only he'd teach a few of these
techniques to Ranma...

***************************************************

I was eager with anticipation.  I had waited so long for this I thought I
would pass out from the
excitement.  I was never really in love with the other guys I've done it
with, but I do love Ranma.
However, after I said that it would be our first time, Ranma burst out
laughing.

"What's so funny?"  I asked, still smiling but confused and disappointed
because he completely
ruined the mood, as usual. 

"Anoo . .  .  It's just funny that we spend all our time arguing and  fighting,
and yet here we are
getting ready to . . . well, you  know."

"Then you WILL . . . ?"  I looked up at him hopefully. 

"No," he replied.  Damn.  "We have to wait.  I never get a chance to tell 
you and I'm usually too
stupid to show it, but . . . I love  you, Akane."

Despite my disappointment, I couldn't help but tear up.  I had been waiting
to hear these words
from him for so long.  "Ra . . . Ranma," I sobbed.  "Do you really?"

He put my hands on my shoulders.  "Yes, really.  I love you.  I  would
fight the whole world for
you.  You make the whole world  light up for me when you smile, and
when you cry, well,
there's  nothing that makes me feel worse.  I live for the day when it's 
just you and me, together
in _our_ dojo . . . I want to marry  you."

"Oh Ranma!"  I cried, sobbing into his chest.  "I love  you too!"

We held for a long time.  After a moment, he lowered his lips to mine. 
The kiss was  feathery
soft, yet bracing and intense.  It was a revelation.   We both knew at that
moment we were made
to be together, that  we were husband and wife before we were even
born.

Eventually, we broke the kiss and stepped away.  I put my robe back on
as Ranma headed for the
door  and grinned. "Arigato, Ranma," I whispered.  "You're right.  Maybe
we should  wait until
we're married."  Though not if I could help it...

He winked at me, opened the door, stepped out, then closed it behind
him.

I sat down on my bed and blew air up through my bangs.  So close and
yet so far.  Geez, what a
prude.  I had done everything short of holding a gun up to his head, and
he still couldn't take the
hint.  At least I was able to get a kiss out of him, but a kiss simply wasn't
enough.  Not after I got
so worked up.  So, after a while, when I was sure he was in his room
and asleep, I undressed and
covered myself with a robe.  Then I snuck out of my room, closed the
door behind me, and
walked down to Happosai's room.  I knocked softly and entered the
room.  Happosai was laying
down on his bed.  Regarding me coolly, he said "So that young whelp
couldn't get it done, eh? 
Heh, heh.  I knew it!"  But he changed his tune and cried "Sweet!" as I let
the robe drop and
padded softly to his bed.

*******************

Author's note: OK, I felt impelled to unload this turkey on you all.  Hope it
wasnt too bad.  I
would say something like "Be gentle, its my first fic" or something, but
even I recognize this for
the silly fluff it is.  Actually, I even considered throwing in a scene with
Genma, but that was too
obscene, even for me.  Also, I used Chappatsu as the name for the
fair-haired of Ranma's friends
because that was what was given in the Memorial Album.  Since I still
don't know the name of
the other one, I decided Daisuke was good enough.