fcasper wrote:

CONTINUED FROM PART 5 PAGE 4 of 5....

THE BRIDGE
1:15 P.M.

Good fight sequence, although some of your paragraphs were overly long
winded. As a gentle suggestion you could try breaking them up into more
bite-sized pieces (where sequencing allows of course!) This helps make
for an easier read. I know in a few of those paragraphs I was merely
scanning rather than reading.


Oh yeah, as long as I'm here, you really had me going with the
Ukyo-Ranma love scene. I thought they were going to spend the night
together and have Ranma wake up the next morning feeling miserable for
what he'd done (both to Akane and what would happen to Ukyo as a result)
 

(Fade to Black)

        How's that for a cliffhanger? ;)  E-mail with your C&C and feedback!

AAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!! Hoist on my own petard!!!

J. Austin Wilde
-- 
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|| Head Ranger: Fission Park Press-------**  //======\   ||
|| Hired Gun: P-P-P-Chan Productions-----** // //   //   ||
|| Knight Bachelor of the Crimson Sword--**// //====/    ||
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||  freedom find that it has a flavor----** //  Park     ||
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