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U U U U U U U U U U U
Be Careful What You Wish For...
I looked at the calendar, October 12, Columbus Day. Well, my 30th birthday
had come at last. Wow. I was really thrilled. I hate birthdays, and the
holiday season too, for that matter. They've usually been the most stressful
and depressing times in my life. Ever since I was about 6 years old,
everything went to hell. My parents were fighting a lot of the time then.
Screaming and yelling at each other, sometimes coming to blows. I suppose it
could have been a lot worse. At least they usually took it out on each other
rather than taking it out on me and my sister.
A few years after that they got divorced and it got a little better for us.
I never really stayed for long at either of my parents' houses. After a few
months or at most a year I would decide to move in at the other's house. I
hated living at my dad's, because he was too strict and his new wife didn't
seem to like me very much. I always seemed to get blamed for things her
children had done, and I didn't like her kids very much at all either. On
the other hand, I didn't like it at my mom's much either. She was hardly
ever around much, as she had to work nights trying to support us. Since she
wasn't around much or asleep during the day, we could pretty much do
whatever we wanted most of the time, which was nice in a way. However,
whenever something bad happened I'd usually get the blame as I was the
oldest and I was supposed to be responsible and set an example. For me, it
was often a no-win situation at best.
Anyway, to get back to why I really hate the holiday season. Come time for
my birthday, Thanksgiving, and especially Christmas I always got stuck in
the role of a go-between for my parents. I had to coordinate when we saw
each other on separate days or times. This was not something I enjoyed
doing. But, if I didn't do it things would go a lot worse for me and my
sister and brother as our parents would start fighting again over the phone
about visitation rights.
"So," I think to myself, "you're 30 now. What have you got to show for it?"
I start to mentally tick off points in my head. "You're broke. Still mostly
unemployed. Let's face it, those odd consulting jobs and electrical jobs
just aren't bringing in enough money to pay the rent. You're about to lose
the house if you don't get that job at TCI as a sysadmin. You have a
daughter who'll be turning ten this year that you've never even seen. And
worst of all, you're still unmarried and don't even have a girlfriend right
now. How can it get much worse?"
Boy, was I ever wrong. It was about to get a lot worse...
* * *
I was sitting in my bedroom reading the mail on my Linux box that I'd named
'Ryo-oh-ki' when my black cat came rocketing into the bedroom chased by a
cabbit that looked a lot like my computer's namesake. The cat zoomed under
my bed, which is where he usually hides when guests are in the house and the
cabbit stopped next to my chair and just glared at the bed for a while.
After a few seconds of this the cabbit turned around, and with a joyful
'Mya!' jumped into my lap. Well, I admit it, I'm a sucker for just about
anything cute and furry. Especially cats, or in this case, cabbits. As I
started to scratch her behind the ears like a good human is expected to do,
I thought to myself, "Well, you've finally lost it now..."
As I was scratching this cute little cabbit behind the ears she started to
purr and generally do the things a cat does when you pet them, I started to
sense that she was a whole lot smarter than you would expect a cat to be. In
fact, I could feel an almost human yet slightly alien intelligence behind
those pretty golden eyes.
You see, I'm an empath of sorts. Unfortunately this talent is as much of a
curse as it is a blessing and it can be a little unreliable at times.
Because of this I sometimes have a hard time differentiating between what I
feel and the feelings of those that are close to me. It can get a little
confusing for me and those I care about when this starts to happen. My life
certainly has a tendency to get a lot more complicated than it needs to be.
But wait, it gets worse. Sometimes I even seem to broadcast what I'm feeling
to those that are close to me. Some people seem to be more sensitive to it
than others are, and that's when things can get really strange for all
involved.
Since the time my affliction started with the onset of puberty, I've learned
to shut out other people's feelings from my mind most of the time. It took
me a few years to learn how to do this on my own. I can imagine all too well
what it would be like to be a telepath and not be able to shut all the other
minds around you out. A living hell. I know it would drive me crazy. In
fact, it did for a while and it's taken many years for most of the scars to
heal.
"She really does like you, doesn't she?" I heard from behind me.
"Wait," I thought to myself, "I know that voice! Washuu!"
"Who were you expecting?" Washuu said, "Sasami?"
"She can read my mind!?" I thought to myself. I started to get a sinking
feeling at about this time as I started to remember all those revenge-fics
that had been going around on the fan-fic mailing list. "But wait! I've
never written any fics with anime characters in them before, so what is she
doing here?"
"Well, you do have a point." Washuu said, "However, there is the matter of
that post you made about me being related to Soun Tendou in the Ranma
universe. And Ranma didn't find the part about me capturing him for
experimental purposes very amusing either. But, since it was only a bit part
and you don't seem to make it a habit of doing cruel things to people I
decided to intercede on your behalf and talked him out of what he had
planned for you. Besides, Mihoshi already has plans for you."
I started to get really scared at this point. I asked, "How do you know so
much about me?"
Washuu pulled out a rather thick manga volume entitled 'Robert 1/2' from a
much too small pocket on her person in a manner I find difficult to describe
and said, "It's all right here, in this manga. All your experiences and
secret thoughts."
"Who's the author?" I asked her.
"Oh, one of the Takahashi-sensei alternates from a universe different than
your own."
"Great, that figures... it also explains a lot. I guess Heinlein was right
about all the fictional universes being real and that somewhere this
universe was considered fictional. Is it a popular series?"
"Well, sales have fallen off a little bit recently since your life's had
some quiet spells for a few years. But I expect that to change rather soon.
By the way, the series gained most of it's popularity during the period
covering your teenage years. The otakus really liked some of your
'extra-curricular' activities." she said the last part with a wicked smile.
"I'm almost hesitant to ask, but, what 'extra-curricular' activities in
particular are you referring to?"
"Oh, mostly all the girl-chasing you did. Then there were the times the
girls were chasing you. I seem to recall a few of them caught you without
too much trouble." Her smile grew even more wicked.
"Well, I never was very good at turning down a girl that liked me..." I
started to wonder why she was looking at me that way. I've seen that look
before in the eyes of those girls she was referring to. Only this was a lot
worse. I was starting to wonder about what she had meant when she said that
"Mihoshi already has plans for me." and started to get a picture of the
number '3' in my mind. "Oh, no... I'm dead meat now." I thought to myself.
Washuu continued, "That, and the group home you used to live in was a rather
interesting place. There were a lot of side stories going on around there
with all the different characters doing interesting things."
"I guess you could say that about it. I certainly was pretty happy there and
I was hardly what you could call bored while I was living there. About that
title..."
"Yes, you're fated to meet the Jusenkyou curse. I won't tell you when it'll
happen, but expect it soon enough. Besides, I don't think you'll find it to
be a handicap even though Ranma seems to think it is. In fact, from what
I've read, you'll enjoy it."
"I suppose it's better that way. That I not know for sure. I've had dreams
since I was a teenager about being able to change into a woman and wondered
what it'd be like. I guess now I know why."
"Well, expect things to change a lot in the near future. From here on out
your life is about to take a rather serious turn and it'll never be the same
again."
"May you live in interesting times..."
"What do you mean by that?"
"It's an old Chinese curse. It seemed appropriate to me to repeat it now."
"Oh, I see what you mean."
* * *
The events leading up to this all seemed innocent enough to me as they
happened. I had joined the fanfic mailing list a few weeks ago, about when
all the revenge-fics were starting to pour in. A kind soul from the Tenchi
Muyou mailing list had been kind enough to send me a copy of the FAQ with
instructions on how to join. Little did I suspect that this simple act would
change my life forever.
I was reading the Tenchi Muyou mailing list and came across a posting about
one of the Tenchi TV episodes, 'No Need for Bathing Suits.' I decided to
have a little fun and made the following post:
From: Robert Logan
<bobkat@crl.com>
Subject: Re: TV Episode 20: "No need for bathing suits"
Date: Wed, 9 Oct 1996 09:11:17 -0700 (PDT)
Ifurita wrote:
At 06:31 03/10/96 GMT, you wrote:
TV Episode 20: "No need for bathing suits"
OK, how much gratuitous nudity in this one? ^_^;
*Nosebleed*
I think they have this on at the Tower In Toronto...
Kiyone in bathing suit...*Drooooool*
Ryoko too...*Drooooool*
I guess Mihoshi has the same effect...
Wander on over to http://www.anime-int.com/tenchi/char.html#mihoshi and see
for yourself. I get evil thoughts just looking at Mihoshi-chan in a skimpy
bathing suit... =^.^=;;
U
!
!
~~~~~~~ <---- Massive BobKat drool...
BobKat
* * *
Little did I know that in another universe Mihoshi and Washuu were reading
this same mailing list. Mihoshi started to blush as she read over Washuu's
shoulder. Washuu, wondering why Mihoshi was so quiet and hadn't yet asked
her to go on to the next post turned in her seat to look at her.
"Hey!" said Washuu. Noticing that Mihoshi seemed to be lost in space she
started waving her hand in front of Mihoshi's eyes and said, "What's wrong
with you?"
"Ano ne..." Mihoshi began. "...He said he likes to look at me in a bathing
suit..."
"What are you talking about?"
"What I mean is..." she started bringing the tips of her index fingers
together with each phrase and said, "Robert said that... he likes the way I
look... in a skimpy bathing suit... so he must like me... I'm so
embarrassed! Don't make me say this!"
At this point Mihoshi started to jump around in circles screaming "No! No!
No!"
Washuu, starting to sweat gets a look on her face like 'Why me?' and just
turns back to the computer in disgust.
* * *
Later on I saw a post about an IRC channel for Tenchi Muyou and just
couldn't resist responding to it. I should have known better...
Subject: Re: HOSTING an IRC Tenchi Channel
Space Chicks! Bad Dudes and Tenchi! WHAT MORE COULD ANY OTAKU WANT!?
Ano ne... let's see. Having Mihoshi, Ryo-oh-ki, and Washuu living in my
house? =^.^=;; You just had to ask...
BobKat
* * *
Washuu read this post and an idea started to form in her mind about possibly
paying me a visit. She started to turn around to say something about this to
Mihoshi, but Mihoshi was still running around in circles at this point. She
turns back around and shakes her head in disgust.
* * *
Later that afternoon I was reading the Tenchi Muyou mailing list again. I
saw this one post and the spirit of mischief took over again...
From: Robert Logan <bobkat@crl.com>
Subject: Re: MIHOSHI'S TEARS! AT LAST! THE CONNECTION IS MADE!
Date: Wed, 09 Oct 1996 13:15:04 -0700
Organization: BobKat's House of Spooge
Brian Navy wrote:
After careful study of Detective First Class Mihoshi I have discovered a
startling truth! SHE IS RELATED TO SOUN TENDO of the Anything Goes School
of Martial Arts!
Let us compare the most obvious similarity; THE WAY THEY BOTH CRY!
Both cry like waterfalls and both get overly emotional over the slightest
things! A COWINKY DINK!? I think not! It's GENETIC!
I submit for you the hard evidence and boldly state that Mihoshi is a
TENDO!!!
Ara!? <blink, blink> <BobKat's first thought... What kind of drugs is this
person on? Second thought... Where can I get some?...> =^.^=
Well, I while I might say Soun cries at the slightest provocation (then
again, he's got lot's of reasons to do so...) =^.^=;; I wouldn't quite go
that far about Mihoshi. She's much too cheerful most of the time. However...
While Soun may cry like a waterfall, Mihoshi cries more like a firehose.
(Makes me wanna give her a hug and make her feel better, poor girl.)
;; Really
Ara? Why is everybody looking at me like that??? =^.^=;;;; <-- big
U ;; sweat-drop
;
Now, as to the genetic part... I don't even wanna think about how the
parents possibly met. That would make Soun related to Washuu... I can see
it now:
Washuu visiting her ?great?grandchildren at the Tendou doujou...
Washuu: so, these are my great-grandchildren?
Soun: <crying profusely> Grandma!
later...
Washuu: So, Ranma... I heard about your 'water problem.'
Ranma: Who told you that?
<Looks around nervously for some reason, getting a feeling of
foreboding> You're up to something aren't you?
Washuu: You got it.
<Ranma gets trapped by Washuu's All-Purpose Experimental Subject Restraint
System(TM)> =^.^=;;
Ranma: I knew it...
BobKat
* * *
Meanwhile back in the Tenchi-verse, Mihoshi has finally calmed down and is
back to reading over Washuu's shoulder. Washuu decides this would be a good
time to take a short break and turns in her seat to talk to Mihoshi.
"So," said Washuu, "what was it you were trying to explain to me, Mihoshi?"
"Well... Wait a minute, I'll be right back!"
Mihoshi leaves the room. Returning a short while later she nervously holds
out a thick manga volume to Washuu entitled 'Robert 1/2.'
Washuu takes the book from Mihoshi and starts to skim through it. "Hmmm,
very interesting... I wonder why he did that?"
"You see," said Mihoshi as she starts to blush again, "I'm his biggest fan.
I've got all the books and videos from the series. I've even got an
autographed copy of the first manga volume..."
"Mihoshi, can I borrow this to read later?"
"Yeah, sure... I guess. Just be careful with it. That's a limited edition
'complete volume' and they're kind of hard to get now."
"I'll be careful with it..." Washuu starts to think of all the lab equipment
Mihoshi's busted in the past and grins as she turns back to the computer and
reads my post which has just come up on the screen.
As she starts to read the post she thinks to herself, "How did he know about
Mihoshi being my great-granddaughter?" She reads further into the post and
thinks, "Ranma's not going to like this very much. I wonder if he's on the
fan-fic mailing list? I'll have to check on that later. Hmmm, that's a good
idea, now why didn't I think of doing that before? Capturing Ranma and using
him as an experimental subject..." At this point she starts to laugh
maniacally, going full tilt into her 'Mad Scientist' subroutine.
This time it's Mihoshi's turn to sweat as she thinks to herself, "Well,
looks like Grammy's gone off the deep end again..."
* * *
The next day I was back to reading the mailing list again. I saw that
someone had responded to my earlier post about having Mihoshi, Ryo-oh-ki,
and Washuu living at my house and decided to respond. Little did I know that
I had just put the final nail into my proverbial coffin and sealed my fate
forever...
From: Robert Logan <bobkat>
Subject: Re: HOSTING an IRC Tenchi Channel
Date: Fri, 11 Oct 1996 11:19:32 -0700
Organization: BobKat's House of Spooge
Ryan Anderson wrote:
Space Chicks! Bad Dudes and Tenchi! WHAT MORE COULD ANY OTAKU WANT!?
Ano ne... let's see. Having Mihoshi, Ryo-oh-ki, and Washuu living in my
house? =^.^=;; You just had to ask...
It just wouldn't be right to have all those living at your house and not
have Ryoko and Aeka, and Sasami.
(though you had better get some "natural disaster" insurance quick!)
Hmmm, I'd have to ask Washuu about adding some extensions onto the house...
Of course I could kick out the tenants in the downstairs apartments below
the house. Yah, that'd work. =^.^= Mihoshi could stay in my room (don't I
wish...) =^.^=;; Sasami in the guest bedroom, Washuu can just put in a
doorway to subspace where ever it's convenient, Ryo-oh-ki where ever she
wants (probably Sasami's room... I'm still wondering how the cats are gonna
react to her...), Ryouko and Tenchi in the front 2-bedroom apartment, and
Aeka in the back 1-bedroom apartment.
Still have to look into that extra home-owner's insurance though... We
shouldn't bother the neighbors too much. =^.^=;; I'd feel sorry for any
possible burglars or people wandering through the property though... Oh
yeah, gotta get that carrot patch going in the back yard.
BobKat
* * *
Back in the Tenchi-verse that same day Washuu was back to reading the Tenchi
Muyou mailing list and saw my post. "Well," she said to herself, "that
certainly sounds like an invitation to me! Let's check to see if he's on the
fan-fic mailing list... Yep, he sure is!" She starts to chuckle upon
receiving this piece of information. "This means he's fair game now! Better
go see Ranma first to make sure he leaves him alone. I want him in one piece
for what I've got planned for him..."
She starts to plot at this point. A few minutes later she calls Mihoshi into
the room. "Hey! Mihoshi!"
"Yes? I'm coming..." answered Mihoshi. "What is it, Washuu?" she said as she
enters the room.
"Pack your bags, we're going to visit your idol!"
"Wai! Wai! Wai!..." is all that is heard as she zooms out of the room to do
just that.
* * *
As I'm pondering what my fate has in store for me I suddenly hear Mihoshi
calling from the other room.
"Washuu! Where are you?" she said as she wandered through the house. "Oh,
there you are, I've been looking all over for you!" she said as she wandered
into the hallway.
"What took you so long?" said Washuu as she looked at Mihoshi with a
quizzical expression on her face.
"I got lost again..." she said, looking as if she was about to cry.
Washuu and I look at each other, obviously thinking the same thing, by the
"Why me?" expression I can see on her face. We both start to sweat. We can't
help but emit a groan of dismay at this point.
"Ara? Why are you looking at me like that, Washuu? And who were you talking
to in here?" said Mihoshi as she starts to enter the room. As soon as she
sees me her whole face lights up with an expression of utter joy. "Wai! Wai!
Wai! It's Robert!" she said as she closed the distance between us at a run
and hopped into my lap.
Fortunately for Ryo-oh-ki, with her lightning fast reflexes, she was able to
jump up on top of my head just in time! "Mya!" she mya-ed angrily at the
utterly oblivious Mihoshi. "Mya! Mya, Mya!"
I can almost hear a vaguely catlike voice in my mind saying, "Hey! Watch it,
you walking disaster area! You almost sat on me!"
As I'm suddenly confronted with a lapful of bubbly Mihoshi in my arms I
could feel the blood rushing to my face as I started to really sweat. I was
at a total loss for words and all I could utter was, "Ano..." I mean, like,
I don't even really know this girl... or do I? At this point I'm totally
confused and, as the expression goes, "I didn't know whether to shit or go
blind."
Still totally oblivious to everything around her except for my presence,
Mihoshi continued, "Wai! I'm you're biggest fan! I'm so happy to finally
meet you!" She started to giggle and suddenly kissed me hard on the mouth.
At this point I just couldn't take any more as I started to shake, and
thought to myself, "Oh, Goddess! Save me! It's a fangirl from Hell, I'm
doomed!" After a few seconds of this, desperate for anything to break the
tension, I reached for my pack of cigarettes on the computer desk. My hands
were shaking so badly I couldn't get my Zippo to light at all.
"Here," Mihoshi said, "let me do that for you..." My Zippo lights for her on
the first try. Go figure... For anyone else it'll never light, and it gets
cranky even with me from time to time. "You know," she said, "you really
shouldn't smoke. It's not good for you."
"I've been meaning to quit again..." I responded almost reflexively. Really,
I have been meaning to quit again. I was quit for about eight years before I
picked up the habit again. I just haven't had enough incentive lately to
quit again. Besides, I like smoking for some perverse reason.
As I started to smoke my cigarette, Mihoshi noticed that my hand was still
shaking as I flicked some ashes into the ash tray. You could almost see the
light bulb going on over her head as the thought finally entered her head
that perhaps she was the cause of my discomfort. "Um," she began, "I hope I
didn't surprise you too much..."
I was still somewhat in shock and couldn't think of a word to say to her.
Her face started to cloud up as tears began to leak from the corners of her
eyes. "Waaaaah!" she cried, as the trickle of tears became a torrent.
"Mihoshi is so sorry! Waaaaah!"
I almost dropped my cigarette on the floor then, but somehow managed to get
it into the ash tray. I can't stand to see a woman cry and not do anything
about it, especially a friend. I found myself liking Mihoshi for some reason
I couldn't define yet, and as I watched her cry I could feel my heart going
out to her suddenly. I held her close and started to stroke her hair,
"Please stop crying, Mihoshi. It's okay, really it is." As I said this, all
I could think was, "You're a fool, you know that? She's gonna drive you
crazy someday..."
Mihoshi's tears started to dry up as suddenly as they had started as she
looked into my eyes with a pleading expression on her face and said, "You
really mean that? You're not mad at me?"
"No, I'm not mad at you. Somehow, I have a feeling that you couldn't get me
mad at you even if you wanted me to."
"Wai! Mihoshi is so happy! Mihoshi knew her darling would like her!"
My jaw dropped to my chest as I face-faulted. "Okay," I thought to my
author, "I know you can hear me. And I'm sure you're laughing your head off.
Why don't you just change my name to Ataru and get it over with..."
"Ano... Did Mihoshi say something wrong?" she said as the tears started to
trickle out again.
"No," I quickly said, hoping she wouldn't start wailing again, "You just
surprised me a little there..." I said as I started to get lost in her
pretty blue eyes.
"Ahem!" said Washuu, after what seemed an eternity to me, "I don't mean to
interrupt you two, but, it's time to leave now."
"Um, sorry..." I said as I was jolted out of wherever my mind had wandered
off to. I started to blush as I realized that Washuu had been there the
whole time watching us.
"Don't worry, I'll be back soon enough."
"That's what I'm afraid of..." I said with a sheepish grin.
Washuu grabbed Mihoshi's free hand and said, "Come on, you're leaving too!"
"But," Mihoshi said, "I don't want to leave yet!"
"Oh, quite your griping. You can come back later." she said as she started
to drag Mihoshi off with her. "Ryo-oh-ki! You too!"
"Mya?" she mya-ed, then jumped off of my head to follow Washuu and Mihoshi
out of the room and into a door at the head of the back stairs that hadn't
been there before.
"Darling! Bye-bye!" Mihoshi yelled out to me, waving, before being dragged
though the mysterious new doorway my home had suddenly acquired.
* * *