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The SKJAM! Revengefic Challenge
One Tough Cookie!
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<BEGIN OBLIGATORY QUOTE!>
Ok, earlier this week I posted an idea. The idea was to post lots and lots
revengefic shorts (or long pieces if you want) based on the idea presented
in Scott Jamison's 'Sause' all at once, hopefully to RAAC. Now, about half
an hour ago I looked in my mailbox, and WOW!, Nightelf had sent me a piece.
I'm amazed. I never really expected this to go anywhere. Now I extend
the challenge everyone once again. Write a fic where a charactor or two
who's life you messed with comes back for a little ironic vengance. Post
it to the ML, and send a copy to me with your permission for me to post
your story, and on or around halloween, I will post it all to RAAC. Now
this doesn't only go for the Ranma writers out there. I'd also love to see
anyone who's messed with anything post, whether it's Ranma, BGC, Sailor
Moon, DragonBall Z, AKO, or anything else that's been fit to mangle.
Later all.
--
frosty bmfrosty@cris.com
Anime Fanatic/Snes User/Weird Al Worshiper/Hechee Dragon/Whovian
RAACMOD #SNES -=UDIC=-
<END OBLIGATORY QUOTE>
I couldn't wait to see the resulting storm of revengefics out there. And
boy, were there Revengefics! From SKJAM! to HAYES and everyone in between.
Even (former) lurkers.
Still, it all seemed very suspicious to me. There was a radio report
this morning about a plague of incidents on various college campuses,
blaming a group called 'The Revenging Characters'. Even to the extent of
the students themselves disappearing. And those colleges seemed to match
those that had been attacked earlier that week.
I found that I have an almost precognitive sense of danger pending. My
foot-long blond ponytail stood straight up. That could mean only one of two
things: It was going to rain, HARD!, or immenant catastrophe was lurking in
the near future.
The weather forecast said it was going to be sunny.
Could it be? Naah!
Still, I clutched almost unconsciously onto the green backpack; the
Backpack o' Doom (patent pending). I left my computer to get some
refreshments, among other things, and when I came back, Eudora had its
familiar rooster alert saying that I had new mail.
Crunching down on an irate maize-fragment (a cheezed corn-chip), I ran
through a new battery of FFML SKJAM! Revengefic Challenge spamfics. I read
through, and laughed at, all the cleverness that my fellow otakus came up
with. All the while, in the back of my mind, I had become afriad.
Y'see, all the males end up... changed. And each had at least one fic
that would really piss off one of the characters.
I had a fic. It was a nicefic; everyone won in their own way at the
end. But I would imagine that Ucchan would be mildly displeased at having
Ranma separated from her so finally. Of course, now they were bonded more
securely than any marriage could -- she turned out to be Ranma's
half-sister -- but Ucchan may not be satisfied the way I left them...
Of course, I would be drawn and quartered and dipped in boiling
aftershave for a tenth of the thing I kept hidden under encryption on my
drive.
I got to the bottom of the stack. It said:
Ucchan [BIN][REVENGE] YOU'RE NEXT, WYRM!
Foolishly, I doubleclicked it open.
<< Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, London Symphony Orchestra >>
(ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY GRYPHON AND MEGAZONE FOR
THE FANFIC SOUNDTRACK MARKER! YAY! ^_^ )
Light poured out of the monitor, pushing me back with an almost
physical force and knocked me to the floor. At first I feared that a bad
case of phosphor burn was coming on. A feeling of Fear and Loathing
manifested as I realized there was more to it than that.
I was in for some serious shit.
When the light cleared, I saw a pretty, raven-and-ribbon-haired young
lady sitting crosslegged on the desk. She wore a blue gi and black pants,
with a bandoleer of spatulas across her front and the mother of all
spatulas on her back.
Spatulas?
"Ukyou Kuonji, I presume?" I El Hazarded.
The woman, Ukyou, nodded gravely.
'Ohboy, am I in the shit!' I thought. "Er, so what do I owe this
pleasure, Kuonji-san?"
Ucchan narrowed her right eye at me menacingly. I involuntarily
retreated half a step. "You know the reason, Thomas," she said in a sweet &
sour voice.
I sifted through the cruft that had gathered in my long disused brain.
"The SKJAM! Revengefic Challenge?"
"Yep."
"My turn?"
"Yep," she repeated.
"It's about my fanfic, right?"
"Yep."
"Didja like it?" I asked, then prayed to Kami-sama, 'Say yes. PLEASE,
say yes!'
Her eyes, cool up until this point, flashed fire and she whipped out
her Spatula from HELL!, waving it threatingly. "Did I LIKE it?! Did I LIKE
IT?!!" she raved. "Not ONLY did you give me a bastard heiratage, but of all
people to be a bastard of, I have to be the bastard child of GENMA
SAOTOME?! THE FATHER OF MY FIANCE?!!?!! _AND_ _YOU_ _ASK_ _ME_ _IF_ _I_
_*LIKED*_ _IT_!?!?!!?!!!!!?!?!!"
"No, huh?"
"NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHH!!!!!!!!" She was a bit mad >:E,
and she tried to bury her Big-Ass Spatula in my hide. I thanked my agility
to the fact that I had just polished off a large cup of Mountain Dew after
having a cup of really strong coffee, so I was a bundle of wires anyway,
even at this late hour. The spatula buried itself into the floor instead.
*CLANG!*
"I see you've had martial arts," she observed.
"Nah, just ODed on caffeine!" I corrected.
"ANYway," she continued, "You also put yourself in..."
"Aw, COME ON! My Avitar only had _two lines_ in there, and then bugged
out of your continuum entirely! If it hadn't happened, the argument
would've lasted 'till Doomsday!" Ucchan screwed up her face in
consideration. "You know I'm right! I only did it as a form of literary
laxitive!"
Ucchan sighed in resignation. "Well, you had a point in doing _that_!
BUT IT NEVER WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN'T WRITTEN THAT FIC!!" she
shouted and tried again to make Tom Okonomiyaki, the new taste sensation of
the galaxy. *CLANG* "NOW RANCHAN AND I WILL _NEVER_ GET MARRIED!! DIE!!!!"
*whoosh!*
Ducking under the spatula, and silently thanking Ghod for Pepsicola
Inc. and Maxwell House for the caffeine charge, I took advantage of my
newfound, albeit very temporary reflex and energy boost and did the
standard proceedure for putting out fires: Stop, Drop, and Roll. The key
here is that I rolled right into Ukyou's shins, knocking them out from
under her. Let's face it, NO martial artist is a match for a college
student on a severe caffeine-high, save certain high-powered martial
artists such as Ranma and Songoku out of a sum of raw power and coolness
factor.
Needless to say, Ucchan had her feet knocked out from under her. I
popped up as she fell on her face (ooh, that's gotta hurt! :), snatched my
Backpack O' Doom and decided to hightail it out of here before I got hurt.
"Freeze, boy," came a rough male voice in front of me. I screeched to a
halt as a stocky man wearing a handkerchief on his head. A pair of looped
glasses sat on a slightly-goofy face. That is, it would've looked
goofy-looking if his face wasn't radiating such pure anger.
I had three guesses to who this was. I only needed one. "Master Saotome..."
The man became dark as he said, "You are but a child, but this is
beyond foolishness. You dare slander my good name?"
I lost it at that point. "BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!" I collapsed to
the floor laughing my head off. "'Good name'?! Good one!! HAHAA!!" This
only seemed to make the man madder, as his now beet-red face attested.
"SHUT UP!!" he roared.
I popped up instantly and was standing ramrod straight in front of him.
"Listen, bub! Get outta my way, or I'll haveta hurtya!"
This time it was Genma's turn to laugh. "YOU?! Beat ME?! HA! You
haven't trained for any sort of martial art!!" he whooped. "That I'd like
to see!"
"Careful, tousan..." Ukyou groaned as she got to her feet. "The shrimp
ain't as helpless as he looks..." She grinned and added with sarcasm, "No
offence."
"Taken. And you're completely correct! HAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Using caffeine-
boosted speed, I performed a Tenshin-Amaguriken-like maneuver on the old
fart. He groaned and fell to his knees. Not quite as effective as Ranma's
technique, but it served my purpouse.
"Urrr..." he groaned. "Why you little..."
I hurlded over him before he got a chance to recover and before Ukyou
could have a chance to reach me. "Auf Weidersehen!" I shouted and came
tearing out of the Mac lab.
"Get yer fanny back here!" shouted Ukyou and pulled out a clutch of her
throwing spatulas. With a flick of the wrist, sent them hurling after me at
respectable speed.
Hearing the faint whistle behind me, and rapidly searching through the
possiblilities, I snatched a Handy-Dandy garbage can off the floor and
turned around to face the threat. I interrupted the paths of the spatulas
with the can. I was fine, but the can was toast. Tossing it, I resumed my
escape path.
Speaking of which, it was rudely interrupted by a woman in an elaborate
kimono holding a long, wrapped package. Her face was soft yet hard, as she
wore a stern look on it. Her brown hair was held in place by a comb.
"S...Saotome-san!" I erked, screeching to a halt.
"My husband may be a fool, but I must preserve what little honor he
has," she announced.
"HEY!"
"I must punish you... THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!" I kicked myself for
letting a letcherous grin cross my face. "Hentai..." she added.
I shuddered, thinking of how long and sharp that blade of hers was. I
thought of what was the minimum safe distance around her. It wasn't very
encouraging, even with superhuman amounts of caffeine in my bloodstream.
The magic coffee only did so much.
"Ukyou-chan, the bucket..." Nodoka commanded gently, keeping an eye on me.
The bucket?
THE BUCKET?!?! OH, SHIIIIIIIIIT!!!
Ukyou popped open a sealed bucket that was filled with water that
glistened just a little bit too much to be ordinary water. Wild guess (and
it's almost certainly right), Nyanniichuan.
"Standard treatment, I see..." I observed dryly.
Ukyou grinned ferraly. "Kinda."
"Whaddya mean, 'Kinda'?"
As her grin grew, she elaborated on the point, "'Kinda' as in 'We kinda
were running low on the ordinary stuff, so we had to improvise.'"
I mentally went over the possibilities in my head. One of them screamed
in my ear. "Not the field-generator Nyanniichuan simulation..." I choked,
wincing at the ringing on my eardrum.
"Yep! Just like the real stuff, but incurable," she answered. "Your own
concoction, I believe. It warps your personal physics so that the 'curse'
becomes a natural function of your body."
"I know; I created the stuff, y'know..." I replied, "Since it's a
'natural function', it can't be cured magically because there's no magic
involved. Kinda like the Shimeru Factor."
"Right on." With a yell, she threw the stuff at me.
Of course, I didn't remain still; I ducked out of the way (letting it
hit uselessly on a wall; I pitty the janitor who has to clean THAT up!),
and rolled into the PC lab. I made sure to keep one of the computers
between me and them.
"C'mon..." Ukyou cooed from her side. "Doncha wanna know how it feels
like to be a woman? Hmmm?"
"Um, I'll wait for the movie..." I said, poking out from behind the
monitor. She tried to douse me, but I ducked back behind it.
Ukyou nodded to the two others. Genma circled one direction, Nodoka in
the other. They had me caught in a pincer. I couldn't go right, I couldn't
go left. Ukyou was covering the above.
I ducked underneath the desktop and rolled away. Unfortunately, there
were only two isles, leaving me in Ukyou's. I swallowed; maybe Wyrm-chan
was about to become a reality.
"Nowhere to run now, Tom!" Ukyou shouted triumphant and slew the water
towards me.
Using boosted speed, I did several things in rapid sequence. I pulled
out my compact umbrella (which I always kept handy; it prevents it from
raining), ripped open the strap, extended the shaft, and opened the awning
up. I barely put it in front of the water path, causing it to splash off.
Taking advantage, I closed it up again and threw it at the bucket. It
tipped over nicely and landed on a Sleeping Student Slumped Over Keyboard,
causing a familiar change. She awoke from the dousing. "Urrr... Gotta
finish report," she mumbled, rubbing her baggy and red eyes. With only a
cursory glance at herself, she began typing away, total focus on her paper.
The other three watched astonished. Expecting a lack of response from a
just-waking SSSOK, even from an impromptu sex-change, I darted around Ukyou
and Genma.
"Not so fast!" Nodoka growled, pulling out her katana in all its glory,
and guarding the doorway like a grim, yet very attractive sentinal. "You're
going to have to get by me."
"As you wish...I challenge you to one-on-one battle!" I said just as
grim, and we squared off against each other. Nodoka was trained and
capable; I on the other hand, was just plain nuts, but I had a glimmer of a
plan to save my skin.
Genma nodded appreciatively. "A true warrior does not accept help for a
one- on-one challenge. This is something she must do on her own."
"You just don't wanna face him again after he kicked your butt!" Ukyou
asided, making the man cringe.
We stood there for a few minutes, sizing each other up. She was stable
as granate, while I was wriggly as Jello. If the contest were true wills,
she would've won easily. As it were, she striking first was essential. So,
I let my fear freeze me, at least for the time being. She took it for iron
will.
Losing patience at last, she screamed a kiai and slashed down. Frayed
nerves and survival instinct allowed me to duck back out of the way. I
pictured the meanest, greenest bug sitting on the blade as it was burried
into the ground. Disgusted, I mashed my foot on it, pinning the blade.
Gaining confidence as I saw her surprised look of my pinning her sword,
I placed my hands on her cheeks, pulling her in.
I planted one right on her lips. French Passion fruit kiss. Fireworks,
ya'know.
It had the desired effect. Nodoka froze and began blushing furiously.
Her eyes became as wide as saucers as her brain decided to take a
potty-break. Genma roared in anger at my kissing his wife. Ukyou froze up
solid, just from the sheer disbelief. Oh, and I got a cheap thrill out of
it, too. Heh, first time I kiss a girl, and it's an anime character on top
of her being an older woman. I'm so depraived.
Genma surged forward, face red with jealousy. "Get your filthy hands
off my wife!!" Nodoka fell back, the blade slipping out of her nerveless
fingers. I separated and laid her agianst the doorframe, a goofy grin
beginning to form on her blushing face. Then I bolted out the door, heading
toward the water-fountain. I cupped my hand and collected as much water in
it as I could. I kept an eye on Genma, nearing the door.
NOW! I splashed the water from my hand onto the man. "*GROWLF?!*"
Instant panda. He was four feet wide and eight feet tall. Unfortunately for
him, the doorframe was only three by seven and a half. Instant thoroughly
STUCK panda blocking the door.
That was my cue to beat the heck outta Dodge. I ran through the front
door of Bauman and slipped through a hole in the plot. (How conveeeenient!)
The three Revenging Characters never found me, of course. I was long
gone; in fact, I was in a microdimension not far from them, which I
christened "Middle Of Nowhere" or "MON". But that's another story.
Ende (for now... Heh ;)
---------------------
-wyrm(AKA Tom Jefferys; Time Lord for Hire, "Have TARDIS; Will Travel.")
<wyrm@mail.utexas.edu> <JEFFERYSTR@rascal.guilford.edu>
Member of the AFSS Depraived Kawaii Thing of the First Order, Martin
=<SIG>= Wyrm-chan @_@ H-Wyrm @_@ Ten @_@ Chibi-Usa @_@ Azusa =</SIG>=
=<^_^>= R1/2#_#BGC#_#Sailor Moon#_#Dr Who#_#Star Trek#_#Monty Python =</^_^>=
Currently operating at <wyrm@middle.of.nowhere.void> for the time being
"DINSDALE!!!" -Spiny Norman