Hi everyone!  It's 5 AM, do you know where your brain cells are? 
I just spent all of today typing this up and just finish it.  So it may
get a little incoherent towards the end.  I've seen people say they've
pulled all nighters like this on fics on caffeine induced energy.  Then
way was I able to do this with out a single drop of caffeine?  There was
that Coke for dinner.  But that was pretty much it.  

	Anyway, this came about when people talked about cool stuff
fanfic author's have, like Kun-chan's bap sticks and so on.  I thought,
wouldn't it be cool if I had such a thing?  But then, how would I get it?
 Hence this short fanfic.  Now with out further ado, the fanfic!

**************************************************************
=============================================
The Quest for the Ultimate Weapon
	OR
JesX's Adventures in the Land of Spam
Presented by JesCorp
A ridiculous fanfic written for the heck of it 
 by Jordan E. Sam
=============================================

	I was doing what I usually was doing when I had spare time.  I
was on the computer.  But Jay, Ed, and Sam thought I should get some air.
 So I took the new JesCorp laptop outside while they practiced.

	"Nooo!  Not the Birds of Paradise disaster!!!!!" I screamed,
forgetting that one of them might hear me.

	"Hey!" Jay said, angered.  "What are you doing?!?!?"

	Jay walked over to me and looked at the laptop.

	"Afterlife!!!!!  You're playing Afterlife when you should be
working on your fanfic!!!!!  Oh, that's it."

	Jay takes out a bap stick.

	"I thought Kun-chan took back that bap stick."

	"No, she doesn't seem to mind that we use them to knock your
lights out."

	"Of course."  When faced with such a situation I did what any
Freshman would do.  Run.  Jay gave chase and I knew I couldn't outrun
him.  So I went through the complex tunnel system that runs underneath
the surface of Boogle.  Unfortunately, I haven't mapped out this area. 
So not only did I lose Jay, but I lost myself.  I gave up.  Maybe Boogle
would be nice enough to get me out of this.

	"Hey Boogle!!!"  Now, in case you didn't know, the dimension that
calls itself Boogle is a sentient dimension.  It hears, feels, smells,
sees, and tastes everything that happens in this dimension.  It's been
kind enough so far not to make me pay rent.  Unfortunately Boogle isn't
too bright.

	[Yes Jordan?] Boogle said.  Well, actually thought, it usually
talked to us through telepathy.

	"I'm sorta lost.  Could you open a warp and get me out of here?"

	[Sure.] Boogle said as large, black, whirlpool like hole opened
in the middle of the tunnel.  Then I remembered something.  Boogle wasn't
too bright.  And the memories of the other mishaps with these dimensional
warps made me reconsider.

	"Uh, on second thought, dying of starvation doesn't sound too
bad.  I'll just leave."  The warp began drawing in various rocks.  Then
the vacuum increased.  I held on to a stalagmite (or is that a
stalactite?) for dear life.  "I know this looks bad, but I think I can
make it!"  The rock formation broke.  I flew backwards into the
blackness.  "I was wrooooooooooooooooooooooong!!!!!!"

	I appeared miles up above someplace.  "This looks familiar." 
Unfortunately, gravity caught up.  I fell.  Fast.

	"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH<huuuuh>HHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
 Boy this sure is a long drop.  Maybe I should do something before I get
splattered."  Taking out some batteries, I did a quick energy absorbtion
(I now carry batteries with me wherever I go.  Save's me from drawing
energy from a living thing).  I looked at the ground.  No time to create
an energy air bubble to slow down.  Looks like I'll have to do this the
hard way.

	"Energy Ball Blast!!!!"  Using an energy ball, I slowed my
decent.  However, my landing wasn't so spectacular. "Off!"  I said as I
landed on my butt.  I looked around.  This looked familiar....but, but, I
don't know.  "Where am I?"

	"You don't remember?" Came a voice from behind.  I turned around
to see a giant Spam lite can.

	"Who, or maybe that should be what, are you?"

	"Why, I'm the good Spam Lite Can of the south.  You truly don't
remember the Land of Spam?"

	"Oh yeah!!  I fell into here when I first joined the ML and
answered that Spam.  Back then I didn't have the energy powers, so my
fall was stopped by the Wicked Spam Can of the west.  I then got her jet
pack and flew home.  It sure would save me some power if I had it now. 
If I remember correctly, the WSC of the west didn't survive my fall."

	"Yes, and we are all grateful.  But...."

	"But what?" I sighed.

	"Well, the WSC of the west's sister, the Wicked Spam Can of the
east, is really PO'ed at you, and wishes to do unspeakable things to
you."

	"Great."

	"But there is a way to defeat her.  Just get the ultimate
weapon."

	"The ultimate weapon?"

	"Yes."

	"No offense, but I don't need a weapon, I have energy powers
now."

	"Yes, but would you use them on another person when you get mad
like Kun-chan's bap sticks?"

	"Well, not really."

	"Imagine of all the fun the people of the ML will have.  'So and
so takes JesX's ultimate weapon and hurts/maim/charbroils so and so.' 
Sounds nice doesn't it?"

	"Sounds egotistical."

	"Well, you can't defeat the WSC of the east without it.  So
unless you want to be turned into a slab of spam, I'd get cracking."

	"Fine, where do I start."

	"Well, find the old sorceress.  I think she has the weapon right
now."

	"And how do I find her?"

	"Just follow the yellow brick road."

	"That's concrete."

	"Pretend, okay."

	"This may be a spamfic, but I'm not going to do something stupid
like that."

	"Actually, there IS a short brick stretch, right before the
sorceress's city, Gemstoneville.  Just enough to convince the sorceress
that it's all like that."

	Great, the couldn't name a town after a specific jewel. "Ah, a
_Potemkin_ yellow brick road.  Have anything to make this trip easier?"

	"How about emerald hiking boots?"

	"I hate green."

	"Red?"

	"Been done."

	"Gold?"

	"Not even a gem."

	"You too picky, I not going to give you anything.  Oh wait! 
There is something I can give you."  A little black piglet jumped into my
arms.

	"What's this?!?"

	"That's an animal to take with you.  If you going to parody this
movie, you have to have one.  I think its name is Charlotte."  And with
that, the GSLC of the south floated away in a bubble.  I wonder if that
bubble is strong enough to deflect one of this rocks.  Let's find out. 
<Zing!!! POP!!!> Guess not. <Splat!!!>  Oh, that's gotta hurt.

	"Well Charlotte, let's go."

	I started following the yellow concrete road for many miles. 
Soon I realized something.  I have no food.  I began looking at
Charlotte, wondering where I could get an apple.....

	"I know what you're thinking.  That wouldn't be a good idea."

	I turned around to see a familiar black-haired pig-tailed boy
leaning on a fence.  He was wearing a straw hat and had straw coming out
of his outfit for some reason.

	"Hey, how come you can speak English?"

	"You type in English, don't you?"

	"Yeah, but I usually use brackets to point out different
languages."

	"Yeah, but you forgot that this is a spamfic."

	"Oh yeah!  Oh great.  Let me guess, you need the sorceress to
give you a brain?"

	The boy glared at me.  "You saying I'm dumb?"

	"Okay, that's not it.  How about cure the curse of changing into
a girl when splashed with cold water?"

	"That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.  I need her
to cure the curse of me changing into a scarecrow whenever I'm splashed
with cold water."

	"Of course, it's so obvious.  Well, you can come along if you
like, as long as you have food."

	"Brought my lunch." The boy hefts into view a large garbage bag.

	"Ooooooookay.  By the way, what's your name?"

	"Ranma Farmhand."

	"An english speaking Farmhand that has a japanese name?  Great."

	"My parents were multi-cultural." said Ranma.

	"Whatever."

	Ranma, Charlotte, and me continued down the concrete road.  A few
hours and half of Ranma's lunch later, we came upon a man that looked
like he was made from tin.  He was wearing a familiar looking black and
yellow bandanna, and had what looked like fangs.

	"Uh Ranma, did that thing move?"

	"I think it did."

	"Mmxoslfjx" Said the tin-man.

	"Here, use this oil can.  He seems to be rusted." Ranma said,
handing me an oil can.

	"Oh yeah, give me the job.  He could be some ax murder and you
want to unfreeze him.  And me to do the unfreezing, to boot."

	"Just get it done."

	I walked over to the tin-man and began oiling down all the
joints.  Soon the tin-man could walk and talk again.

	"I'm guessing you want a heart."

	"Are you saying I'm cruel?!?" The tin-man said, angrily.

	"No, that's not it.  You want to cure the curse of turning into a
pig when splashed with cold water."

	"Where in the world did you come up with that idea."  The tin-man
responded, surprised.

	"Last guess, you want to cure your curse of always getting lost."

	"Although that would be nice, I would rather have this curse of
turning into a tin-man when splashed with cold water.  Can you imagine
the trouble I have when it rains!!!  I rust almost instantly!!!!"

	"O for 2.  Might as well come along, it'll be dark soon and I
want to reach the forest by then."

	"What forest."  Ranma asked.

	"The one I'll write into the plot, of course."  We began walking
down the path.  "So, tin-man, what's your name?"

	"Ryoga Woodsman."

	"Sure, why not."

	"Could you give me some hot water?"  Ranma hands Ryoga a thermos
of water. <Splash> "Ahhhhh!!  I said HOT water, not BOILING!!!!!!!"

	After directing Ryoga the right way many times, we finally made
it to the forest.  It was getting dark, so we set up camp in a clearing
somewhere in the middle of the forest.  Suddenly we heard a twig snap.

	"That device gets used far too much."

	"Which device?" Came a female voice.

	"The snapping twig.  Alert us to your presence some other way,
_please_."  Then we heard crashing sounds, like an entire stack of
Wedgwood saucers being smashed one plate at a time.  "Better.  Who goes
there?"

	Into the light of the fire stepped a purple-haired cat-women in a
bikini.  "AHHHHHH!" Ranma screamed.  <Zoom!>  Ranma was gone.

	"Uh, where did he go, Ryoga?"

	"He went up."  Ryoga said, pointing to the tree tops.

	"Great.  Um, excuse me miss?  If that is a curse, could you
please change back to normal."

	"Sure."  She takes a bottle out of *somewhere* and splashes
herself.  She turns into a great looking girl with purple hair.

	"Uh, just so I don't get distracted from the story, could you put
on something else, besides a bikini."

	"Shampoo be right back."  The girl then goes behind a tree while
Ranma climbs down from a tree.

	"Is it gone?" Ranma said, looking around.

	"Yes."  Shampoo came back to the camp, fully dressed.  "And you
are?"

	"Shampoo."

	"What, no last name?"

	"Shampoo IS Shampoo's last name."

	"Then what's your first name."

	"Shampoo."

	"I'll let that go.  Let me guess, you want to join our party
because you want to visit the sorceress and have her cure your curse of
turning into a cat-women when splashed with cold water."

	"What?  Shampoo don't want curse lifted.  Shampoo want good,
strong, husband."

	"Might as well come anyway.  It sure would screw up the plot if
you didn't (like there is even a plot to this)."

	"Sure, beats hanging around here waiting for a husband."

	We set up a watch system.  One stayed up while the others slept,
alternating every few hours.  We watched the sun slowly sink in the west
(as if it would quickly sink anywhere else).  We then went to sleep.

	Morning finally came and we all were pretty rested.

	"Hey, we forgot to do that 'lions, and tigers, and bears, oh my!'
bit."  Ranma pointed out.

	"What in the world would we have to worry about in this forest?"

	"Maybe a raging wombat or two?" Ryoga offered.

	"Or that pig there." Ranma said.  Charlotte just oinked.

	"Forget it, here's the Potemkin portion of the road.  We must be
close to the sorceress."

	We continued following the now yellow brick road until we came
upon a shimmering city in the distance of many colors.  We approached the
door and Ranma knocked.  A boy with long black hair and THICK glasses on
the top of his head looked out through a small round hole in the door
above us.  He looks around a bit, shrugs, then goes back in.  Ranma
knocks again.  The boy looks around again, shrugs, and heads back in.

	"Hey!  Down here!"  The boy finally notices us.

	"Sorry, no one is allowed in here, no how, no way."  The boy
said.

	"Dummy Mousse, put glasses on."  Shampoo said.  The boy, Mousse,
complies.

	"Shampoo!  Oh my darling, come right in!!!!  I haven't seen you
since you got that curse."  The boy disappears and the doors open. 
Mousse comes running out and hugs Shampoo.  Shampoo then punts Mousse to
Kansas.

	We were ushered into the main hall of the city to meet the
sorceress.  I was pretty surprised to see a old, small women walk in
carrying a stick.  I was expecting some floating head thing.

	"You have come seeking help no doubt?  Well, I am the great
Cologne!!  I shall help you!"  She said.

	Ranma and Ryoga went first. "I want to be cured of my curse!!!"
They said in unison.

	"Easy."  Cologne said.  She waved her hand and two buckets
appeared.  I stepped out of splashing distance just in time.  I wet
red-headed girl and a small black pig stood where Ranma and Ryoga had
been.

	"You call this cured?!?!?" Ranma screamed in a new voice.  Ryoga
was too busy being chased by Charlotte around the room to complain.

	"Well, you no longer turn into a scarecrow or tin-man when
splashed with cold water."  Cologne said.

	"She has a point."

	"Shut up." Ranma replied.  After pouring hot water on Ranma and
Ryoga, Shampoo took her turn.

	"Shampoo want good, strong husband."

	"Another easy one.  Marry Ranma."  Cologne offered.

	"Oh, Shampoo so happy." Shampoo squealed as she jumped into
Ranma's arms.

	"WHAT!!!!  You can't do that!!!!!!  Do you know how many letters
I'm going to get about how Ranma should marry Akane or Ukyo?!?!?!?  What
are you thinking!!!!"

	"Don't worry.  This is an alternate reality or some such crap
like that.  This only happens because your twisted imagination thought it
up."  Cologne answered.

	"Twisted?  I knew I had it in me!  Anyway, I need the ultimate
weapon."

	"Hmmm.  I not really willing to give it up, but I'll let you have
it for the Wicked Spam Can of the east's crystal ball." She said.

	"But I need it to defeat her."

	"You're not getting it until I have that crystal ball."

	"And how am I suppose to get it?"

	"Easy, just defeat the WSC of the east with the..... Oh, yeah."

	"Where is it?"

	"Right over here."  We walked over to a stand where two wooden
swords were on pedestals.  "You have a choice.  The first one is called
the spam sword.  It turns whatever the tip touches into spam."  I picked
up the spam sword and tested it on it's pedestal.  Much to my amazement,
the pedestal turned into spam.  I walked over to a slab of spam and
tapped it.

	"Wow, it really works."

	"What do you mean.  It was spam to begin with." Ranma complained.

	"No it wasn't, it was spam lite.  So, what's the other?"

	"We call it the 'Lum Special.'  It's a wooden sword that is
electrified.  Not only do you get to hit people, but you can give people
a zap along with the hit."  Cologne explained.

	"Cool." I picked up the sword and flipped the switch.  It hummed
to life.  "Hey Ranma, come here."

	"Un-uh, I'm not getting shocked."  Ranma said, backing away.  I
was wondering who I could test this on when Charlotte walk by.

@bap zzzz  The pig, slightly burned, fell unconscious.

	"Some ultimate weapon.  It's nice, but what if someone has a
gun?"

	"Oh, it has a built in function where if anything is thrown at
the user, it'll deflect it.  Have someone through a punch at you."
Cologne suggested.

	"Hey Ryoga, see if you can past this sword."

	"Sure."  Ryoga threw a punch towards me.  I felt the sword move
in my hands, guiding me to where the punch was going.

@bap zzzz  Ryoga, slightly charred, grabbed me by the shirt collar.  I
slipped out of his grip and ran.

	"It also fires lighting bolts." Cologne yelled to me.

ZZZZ  Ryoga fell to the floor.

	"Now, what to do about the WSC of the east.  I could just have
her appear, beat the crap out of her, and leave.  But if the people have
read this far, I guess the deserve a better ending than that."  I thought
about this.  "Alright, we storm the castle at noon!!!!"

	"Isn't that 'dawn'?"  Ranma asked.

	"Yeah, but I like to sleep in."

	The next day we came to the treacherous road to the WSC of the
east's castle.  We began our journey.  It lasted several hours due to the
many obstacles, like flying spam slabs, Barney singing, and many other
horrible things I wish not to recall.  Finally we came to the front door.
 There were signs everywhere.  "Go away," "Do not enter," "Private
Property."  We walked unto the doormat that said "Welcome" and rang the
doorbell.

	"Nobody's home.  Go away."  Came a very evil sounding voice.

	"If nobody's home, then who am I talking too?"

	"You got me there.  Who are you." The voice said.

	"Uh, we're the, we're the....the Movers!!!  Yeah, the movers!"

	"It's about time you got here, come on in and get busy."  The
voice said.

	A large, menacing spam can opened the front door and directed us
to the back of the castle.

	"The lab is in the back.  Start there." The WSC of the east said.

	We walked inside to find a room with many weird contraptions.  In
the corner is a large, clear sphere.

	"Aha, the crystal ball!  If we destroy this, we destroy the WSC
of the east!"

	"What makes you say that." Ryoga asked.

	"This sign on the crystal ball that says 'Warning: Do not destroy
crystal ball for it shall destroy the Wicked Spam can of the east's
power."

	"Oh."

	We tried many things to destroy it.  Punching it, using ki
attacks, dynamite, spells, potions, and just kicking the darn thing.
<Klang!>

	"Ow, ow, ow, ow." Ranma cried, hoping on one foot.

	"What are you doing?!?!?" Came a familiar evil voice.  The WSC of
the east began her attack.

	"Keep her busy, I'll take care of the crystall ball." (I hope)

	Suddenly, I had an idea.  The WSC of the east had almost defeated
Ryoga, Shampoo, and Ranma, so I didn't have much time.  "Hang on
Charlotte!"  I raised the "Lum Special" high.  Then brought it down,
fully charged. <CRASH!!!!>  Shards flew through the air.

	"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  With out my crystal ball, I'm powerless!!!"
Screamed the Wicked Spam can.

	"Well, that's what the sign said."

	"Nooo!  I'm changing back to a......" but she was cut off as she
shrunk to a normal can of spam.  I picked up the spam can and gave it to
Ranma.

	"Here, make a spamburger hamburger.  I going.  And you can keep
Charlotte too." I said, handing over the pig.  "Thanks for the adventure
and all, put I have to get back to reality."  I sheathed the "Lum
Special" and absorb some more batteries.  "See you guys around."  I
opened up a portal and returned home with a new weapon.  I wonder how
good it is against Jay.
************************************************************************
Well, there you go, I hope you all liked it or at least groaned once.  
Oh yeah!

Ranma 1/2 charaters copyright Rumiko Takahashi (Please don't sue)

And don't worry about Ch.3.  I have to go somewhere this weekend, but
I'll have it done soon.  See you around!

Jordan E. Sam
jesx@juno.com
JesX@aol.com
All around bad speller (and my grammar ain't no good neither :))
Comic, Cartoon, Gaming, and TV fan who knows WAY too much useless trivia
"So THIS is a sig.!"