Here's another short fic, probably sparked by the number of fics about
Nabiki's love life, and Kasumi's motivations. It came out in one sitting, and
probably deserves to be about 50% larger, but I am too close to it right now.
Do we have a term for a character's actions when they are different from the
source work, but we suspect they might be this way if the camera followed them
a bit longer? In this story Kasumi is not behaving as normal, but if I have
written this well, it should be plausable that my Kasumi and the original
Kasumi might be the same person.
Comments and criticism desired, including places where the story runs thin,
and also if you have any experiences of your own to add that would fit. I'm a
29 year old boy, I'm not confident in writing the thoughts of a 19 year old
girl.
Neil Reynolds
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Self-confidence, Self-worth. Many people try to maintain a delicate ballance
between too much, and too little. At one extreme, madness lies. For example,
Tatewaki Kuno, unbeatable barring trickery, infinitely noble, and recipient of
the love of two goddesses; no setback, no proof, no doubt can sway his self
image. His ego is unassailable.
Ubiquitous Tears
[As Kasumi gets into the hot tub and relaxes, her mind starts to drift ...]
Today was a long day, and I'm feeling melancholy. I hate nights like
these. I don't have the energy to read a book or something, so I'm going to be
alone with my thoughts tonight.
I hate nights like these. Why do I have to mull over all the things I can't
change? Why can't I be satisfied with the way I am? People like me. I'm a good
person. So why do I feel so empty sometimes?
I think I've lately been looking for more housework, just to keep busy, to
keep from mulling over the same ideas over, and over again. As long as I'm
busy, I don't have to think about what's wrong with my life, what's wrong with
me.
I think one of the hardest parts is watching Akane and her friends
constantly fighting about who loves who, none of them realizing how precious
love is. Akane ignores Ranma, Ranma ignores Akane and Ukyou, Ukyou ignores
Konatsu, Shampoo ignores Mousse. All of them ignore the love another feels for
them. If they ever find out what it means to live without someone's love,
they'll regret every minute they didn't spend reciprocating that love.
I don't mind being an unmarried virgin at 19. But I DO mind not even having
had a date. When I was in high school, I had lots of friends, but I never had
time for clubs or activities after school because I had to take care of our
home. And now that Akane and Nabiki are old enough, my friends are gone. I
graduated highschool two years ago, and my life has barely changed at all over
the last two years. Sarenko and Michi are at universities, Junko is an office
lady, and Himeko has had a baby. They all have lives, except me.
I have lots of acquaintences now. Everyone at the market knows me. I think
everyone thinks I'm a good person. I want to be helpful, loving, and
loved. But no one seems to want to become good friends or ask me out. I know
I'm not beautiful, but surely I'm not ugly. I've seen women who treat their
men worse than I ever could, but there's never a man for me.
It's so hard to spend time with people once you leave school. In school
you're forced to spend lots of time with a variety of people. And there's
always excuses to spend time with people. But once you leave school, there
isn't much you can do.
I suppose I could go to bars and try to pick someone up, but I don't want
that. I don't like bars, and I want someone who appreciates me for who I am,
not someone who's only interested in me for the night.
I keep telling myself that eventually someone will appreciate me, as long as
I keep making myself a better person, but it gets so hard when so many years
have gone by, and I'm still alone.
Some nights I've contemplated ending my life. Most of my life seems to be a
grey haze punctuated by black moments of dispair, when I have time to think
about my life. At least I'd finally be at peace, free of all the pain. But I
can't do that to my family. If I ever do kill myself, I'll make it look like
an accidental death. But I haven't yet because of the pain to others, and the
faith that my life will get better.
Life is a vale of tears. And I try so hard to be supportive of others, to
see the good in others. Why doesn't anyone see anything in me? The squeaky
wheel gets the grease, but I've spent my life learning not to intrude on
others, not to demand from others, but to be supportive and
helpful. Complaining and shouting goes against everything I feel is good about
me.
I'd better get out of this tub, and try to fall asleep. I wont be cheerful
again tonight, hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.
The End
Authors Notes:
1) Ubiquitous tears -- No one sees them there, because the pain is intrinsic
to the person. People notice when you become sad, few notice that you are sad,
and that you carry sadness within you. "All the lonely people, where do they
all belong?"
2) There are people deserving of your love out there, who would gladly
reciprocate if anyone offered.
3) If you have nights like these, there's always hope that your equivalent of
Dr. Tofu will show up.
4) Yes, some of this is personal experience. My friends keep me going. But
some nights are hell.