This is my first piece set before the FF ML. On retrospect, it probably
isn't the best first impression I could make. ^_^

     That depends. Did you want to be shot, or heralded, or both?

--------------------------------------
Kasumi's Guest
by Susan Doenime
Characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi, who should be held blaneless for
this.
--------------------------------------

     Did you mean "should be held blameless..." ?

  It was a quiet day in the Tendou home, which was how Kasumi 
liked it. Of course, she also liked when it was noisy, when it 
was a mix of the two, or when it was an acoustic nightmare that 
would have made Pink Floyd gulp in disbelief. Kasumi was 
notoriously easy to please. (1)
(1) - What else would you expect from a woman who's 
deliriously happy about the prospect of doing menial housework 
in the best years of her life?

   Move those footnotes into the story itself, like this maybe:
Kasumi was notoriously easy to please.
        [what else would you expect from a woman who's deliriously
        happy about the prospect of doing menial housework in the
        best years of her life]

It turned out to be only one guest....

  She warmed to the idea. "Oh, how clever! I have some garbage 
bags that should do the trick." Her face went downcast again. 
"Although it's still going to upset daddy to no end."

     NOOOOOO! Wait a minute.
     DOH! ROTFL!

  "I was wondering....um, would you care to have lunch? This 
Wednesday?"
  Kasumi pondered this for a second. He certainly seemed nice, 
and very polite, and now that the whole Nabiki thing was over 
the tension level should be much lower. She smiled. "I'd like 
that."
  He smiled back. "Pick you up at eight?"

     Either change it to dinner, or the time to some sort of lunchish
time (like 11 or noon).

And thanks to Kergma, who gave me an account and the FFML.

     First, I'll thank him.
     Then I'll hire Mr. Koumeya to deal with him. And you, after you
read this.

Now, onto my comments. This would definately qualify as the second "most
wrong" story I've read. By "most wrong", I mean a story which is funny,
even though the subject isn't. The most wrong story would have to be
Who's Life is it Anyway? which we should be seeing more of? Right Andrew?

I don't know why, but Kasumi's actions almost seem justified, even that
she would have no help from Mr. Koumeya in cleaning up the mess. Incredible.
Keep it up.
--
Ben Kosse bmk7411@cs.rit.edu
BGC Otaku and worshipper of the Red-Eyed Goddess. Member of ShAS.
Anime, RPG's, computers, poetry (read/write), music (listen/compose).
Author of the Bubblegum Crisis theme pack (see the homepage below).
Homepage with anime and other interests. (http://www.rit.edu/~bmk7411)