Marisa Price wrote:

A Lesson In Love
Chapter XIII: Forgiveness

Hey there.

Marisa Price wrote

        Akane wasn't moving. Ranma cried, "Akane..." and
reached toward her hesitantly, as if afraid to touch her.
Then, suddenly, Ranma was desperately shaking her; tears
streamed from his eyes, and he was shouting, "Are you OK,
Akane? Wake UP, Akane!"

I don't like this characterization of Ranma.  Ranma is a strong,
decisive person during times of crisis.  Yes, he can waffle over his
feelings over Akane and act indecisively.  But when the chips are down,
he puts that all aside and acts quickly and well.

I just have a real problem with Ranma panicking and being ineffectual
with Akane's life on the line.

        Ryouga continued, "...She's probably going to
need some stitches though... You should get her to Dr.
Tofu's as soon as I finish putting some temporary bandages
on her wounds."

Dr. Tofu is a chiropractor, or what the Japanese call a bone-setting
doctor.  He wouldn't be the one to go to in these kind of emergencies. 
Especially, he won't have any blood on hand.  Akane really needs to be
taken to an emergency room.

        Ryouga stood quickly and stepped in front of Ranma
to stop him. He placed his hands out to block Ranma, palms
braced; he did not dare to touch his furious friend, but
needed to present Ranma with a barrier.

I also have a slight problem with Ryoga's characterization.  To act calm
and composed during a crisis is *not* Ryoga's forte, nor do I think
you've developed his character enough for him to make this radical a
change.

        Ukyou looked up at him with tear-filled eyes and
managed to say, "I... I... I DON'T KNOW!!!" This was
followed by another storm of tears, and Ryouga patiently
waited for them to pass.
        But they didn't pass.

And, finally, I have a problem with Ukyo.  :)  Seems to me that she's
taking it a bit too hard.  Remember, this is the same woman who tried to
*kill* Ranma (or at least, seriously injure him).  Plus Akane initiated
the hostilities.  Akane has been proven to be all right - at least, not
in a life-threatening situation.  For Ukyo to react like this goes
against her strength of character and is an over-reaction to the
circumstances.

        He hesitantly reached down to brush a stray lock of
hair away from her eyes, and then ran his finger lightly
down her soft cheek.

This is cool.  Very romantic.

        He said, softly, "I won't leave you alone. Not
like last time. I... promise... Please, forgive me, and
believe in me..."

The "believe in me" doesn't sound like Ryoga.  I like the rest of it,
though.

        The giggling stopped, and she sighed, and Ryouga
noticed that she was still pale and that there were huge
circles under her eyes. He also sighed, and then sat back
down in the chair.

This seems like an awfully fast turn-around.  Then again, she has had a
chance to sleep it off, so to speak.

        Ukyou growled at him and said, "Watch it. You are
still on shaky ground with me."

She, too, is on shaky ground for yelling at Ryoga.

        Ryouga was exultant. He looked down at her, and,
despite the fact that she had been through so much today,
he thought that she looked beautiful. He slight blush made
her cheeks glow, and her eyes were shining.

Her slight blush...

Nice paragraph.

        He started to lean down, and she didn't move away.
        Then the phone started to ring.

Darned phones.  This seems a little cliched - the interruption just as
the breakthrough is about to be made.  I think it would be better if
Ryoga stopped himself, perhaps thinking of Akari.

        Ranma was now shocked. He reached out to touch her
shoulder and she shrugged his hand away.

Kill the "and"; make it two sentences.

        He shushed her, and placed his finger on her lips,
and then said, "Akane. You just have to learn to believe in
me. I always protect you, and I have never wanted anyone
else. Why can't you see that?"
        She leaned against him and his arms went around her
protectively. She said, quietly, "I'm so sorry Ranma. I 
can be such a jealous, suspicious, idiot. I guess I can't
figure out why you would want to spend the rest of your
life with someone like me."
        "Akane, I like you just the way you are. You're
perfect," he said, softly kissing the top of her head,
avoiding the bandages.
        "Ranma, I love you..."
        "I know. I love you too, you kawaiikune bakarou."
        She gave a wet giggle, sniffling.

I liked this bit, but didn't like the other bits, starting with Akane's
shouted apology.  Seemed a little hammy to me.

        "Well. That's all I can do. I think you should stay
here at the clinic overnight, as you have lost a lot of
blood, but you can go home tomorrow. The scarring should be
minimal. Just take care of yourself, got it?"

The definition of a clinic is such that it is not a place you stay in
overnight.  Places you stay in overnight are called hospitals.

I noticed that you, like me, had Akane's scars be minimal.  It's okay to
hurt Akane, but you can't disfigure her.  :)

        Nabiki nodded and seemed placated by that, but
added, "OK. You let me know if the situation changes. I 
want my little sister to stay happy and healthy." Nabiki
eyed Ranma at this point, as if the whole situation was his
fault. She then said, "Well, I'm outta here then. I have a
TON of stuff to do. I'll tell everyone that you are safe,
and try to stop Dad from crying his eyes out. See you later
guys! Oh Ranma, don't forget you owe me for earlier!"
        And Nabiki was gone.

Even by Nabiki's cold-blooded calculations, she shouldn't be charging
Ranma for keeping Kasumi from the clinic - after all, Akane is her
sister.  I'd think that Nabiki would also have a vested interest in
keeping Kasumi from the clinic.  After all, if Ranma had made it clear
that he wasn't going to pay, would Nabiki have sent Kasumi to the clinic
after all?

        "I think we still can be really good friends..."
Akane said gently.

It's a bit of a stretch to have them go from fighting enemies one day,
and friends the next.  I think there should be at least a cooling-down
period, especially given Akane's temperment.

        Ryouga and Ukyou agreed, and then went over to hug
Akane goodbye. After they had left, Akane relaxed back in
Ranma's arms and enjoyed the feeling of security. Ranma
gave her a lopsided grin and commented, "Well, that was
pretty easy."

Too easy.  See my comments below.

End of Chapter XIII

Marisa, I really hesitated to write this.  I, too, have enjoyed your
series very much, and have always looked forward to each installment. 
In fact, I tried to bait you into posting some more stories, with
success (although that may have been a coincidence.  ^_^ )

However, I am sorry to say that I really didn't like this chapter.

The motivations of all of the characters were weak.  Ranma freezes in an
emergency situation, Ryoga acts cool, calm, and collected, and Ukyo gets
hysterical.  None of these are consistent with either the RT universe or
with the characters you've shown us in earlier chapters.

The ending was just too pat.  Everyone said "I'm sorry" and it was all
better.  Forgiveness *is* a wonderful thing, but it's just not that
easy.  Especially with Akane.

I love melodramatic, emotional scenes - I sometimes have tears in my
eyes when watching Disney's "Beauty and the Beast" - but the scenes you
have written are mostly *too* much.  People go to emotional extremes at
the drop of a hat, and just as quickly recover.

Truly, I apologize that I have nothing more constructive to say (indeed,
that's why I hesitated to post this).  I'd like to see you try this
whole thing over - maybe spreading out the resolution over a couple of
chapters.  I have a lot of confidence in you - I know you can do a lot
better.

Now, the standard disclaimer:

This is just my opinion.

I tend to be harsh in my C&C, even if I like the author and the series
(just ask the folks on the DnR mailing list).  Truly, all this harshness
is just in the hope that it will help you write a better story.  I mean
nothing personal against you or LiL in general.

I just think this chapter could be better.

I am also prepared to be the only one who has this reaction.  What's
your other feedback been like?

Do you hate me now?  I hope not.

Still looking forward to future chapters....

-Richard

sterman@sprynet.com
Fanfics at: http://home.sprynet.com/sprynet/sterman/fanfic.htm