Odie3100 wrote:

Akane's nostrils flared. <How dare he say that!!!> Akane's nostrils flared
and she felt her chi build up quickly. 

Some repetition there.

Ranma was suprised by Akane chutzpah as she attakced him.

Akane's ... attacked

Ranma furrowed his brow. "Well, of course I am- no wait, that's not what I
meant!."

Double punctuation.  Never use more than one punctuation mark to end a
sentence, not even "?!" 

secret." She winked at him michieviously. She felt the sudden urge to find

mischievously

Well, what to say.

Your prose is just excellent.  It reminds me a lot of my writing style
(and yes, I have no humility).

The story is well done, with some very good moments between Ranma and
Akane.  It tends to be just a little repetitive - you seem to be saying
the same thing in a few different ways - but it's charming nonetheless.

The biggest problem I have is that this isn't a story.  It has
beginning, a middle, but no end.  This *must* be a prologue; it simply
can't stand on its own with that ending.

The funny thing is, it reminds me a lot of my series, "Thy Inward Love",
in its serious tone and thoughtful passages.  Even the ending of this
part is an awful lot like the ending of my first chapter.

So I'm really looking forward to the rest of this.  I'll be very
interested to see where you go, and how it compares to where I went.  :)

Keep up the good work,

-Richard

sterman@sprynet.com
http://home.sprynet.com/sprynet/sterman