Finally finished this, and sent it out to the prereaders. They
responded with one voice.
"We're gonna kill you for this...."
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A Note For New Readers - This will make less than no sense without having
read the previous 3 episodes and The Varaiyah Cycle. Free free to ask for
'em. It's good for me ego. ;)
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| `--. / /_ .--` '-. =======
`---. |/ ) | .-. ._ \ .---.
.---' / /-. `-. `-' | `' (_.-. | The Nameless Sequel
`----'`-' `---'`---' .'.'
.'.'_
(_____)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
---,-'-{@ The Nameless Sequel was composed by Mike Loader. @}-'-,---
Characters and Backstory are the products and property of the illustrious
Rumiko Takahashi (as if you didn't know). Ranma=Her's, okay? Good.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
EPISODE 4 - Ask Not For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll...
(Scene opens on the Tendo Kitchen. Akane is cooking herself and
Nabiki breakfast. )
Nabiki: (staying towards the rear of the room) Uh, no offence
Akane...but can't Kasumi cook breakfast instead?
Akane: (annoyed) She could, but she's letting me do it.
(A pan bursts into green and puce flames on the stove. Nabiki
moves back even farther.)
Nabiki: Oh well...at least Ranma isn't here to get you started.
Akane: (scowling) He's left already? Without breakfast?
Nabiki: (nodding) Three hours ago.
Akane: (scowling) Probably being mean to some poor, lost,
helpless doggie or something....
(Scene changes to one side of the patrol Pinto. Ranma and Saburo
are crouched behind it; Saburo is clutching a long tube with a
trigger and handle at one end.)
Ranma: Think it's gone?
Saburo: Let me check.
(He takes off his uniform cap, sticks it on the end of the tube, and
raises it above the car. There's a *CRACK* and several bullets
whiz through it.)
Saburo: Nope. Still there.
Ranma: (eying the perforated cap) Good shot for an orangutang.
Saburo: Oh, apes have very keen vision.
Ranma: Yeah?
Saburo: Yup. Besides, I think he's got a laser sight on that rifle.
Looks like Darwin was right...
Ranma: (crouching) Cover me with the tranq gun. I'm gonna try to
take it out.
Saburo: (skeptically) Ranma, it's a 250-pound wild animal.
Ranma: Exactly. If I close with it, it doesn't stand a chance.
Over the Car: Ook!
Saburo: Good luck, man.
(They clasp hands, and Saburo begins firing steadily over the car
as Ranma darts out. Change to a street in Nerima, where Shampoo
is seen to be walking home.)
Shampoo: (to herself) "I would like to order a blue sofa." "This is
not socially appropriate." "Let go of my...." Damn. What's the word
I'm looking for?
(She turns the corner, and literally bumps into Ukyo.)
Shampoo: Excuse me. Terribly sorry. Are you okay?
Ukyo: Yeah, tha...(eyes Shampoo)...Twin sister? Psychic clone?
Shampoo: (taking a deep breath and counting to ten) No, it's me.
Shampoo. I've just been taking language lessons.
Ukyo: (impressed) No kidding? Wow. I couldn't learn that fast if
my life depended on it.
Shampoo: (shuddering) Bets? Anyways, have you seen Ranma?
Ukyo: He was in for dinner last night, with Akane.
Shampoo: (narrowing her eyes) That so?
Ukyo: (sighing) Shampoo...you don't have any chance with him.
Shampoo: And you do?
Ukyo: (sadly) No...I don't think I do either.
(A beaten up, heavily duct-taped Pinto swerves past, careening
drunkenly. Greyish-pink tentacles extend from the rear windows.)
Person in Car: Aagggghh...it's got the wheel! Do something!
Person in Car 2: Hang on, Saburo! I'm gonna try to knock it out!
MOKO TAKABISHA!
(Blue light flares from inside the car.)
Person in Car: Gah! You got squid ichor all over me!
Person in Car 2: Sorry....
(It turns the corner. Shampoo and Ukyo stare after it.)
Shampoo: (after a minute) That wasn't....?
Ukyo: (firmly) No. Couldn't have been.
(Scene changes to the living room of the Tendo home. Akane and
Nabiki are cleaning, rather awkwardly.)
Nabiki: (slightly dazed) Explain again how we wound up doing this.
Akane: Kasumi came home, asked us to clean the downstairs
rooms, and smiled at us.
Nabiki: Oh yeah. (musing tone) I wonder if she'd agree to help me
negotiate a few deals...
Akane: (snorting) Not a good idea, sis. They'd make their opening
offer, and she'd just smile and say, "Okay!".
Nabiki: True, but if I did most of the dealing and had her beam at
them and say, "Please?" at a signal...
(The door opens, and in staggers a shell-shocked looking Ranma.
His uniform is tattered, and he's bleeding from a dozen small
cuts.)
Akane: (appalled) Ranma! What happened!
Ranma: (distant voice) The rhino wasn't so tough, even in that pink
tutu...the rabid wolverine stuck in the drain pipe was a bit
harder...the giant mutant turtles were a real chore.....but the
lion....they shouldn't have shaved it, it just made it mad.....I just
froze.....if Saburo hadn't hit it with the car, it woulda killed me...
Nabiki: (sympathetically) Yeah, I've had days like that.
Ranma: (grabbing her by the shirt) I'm not going back, okay?! There
isn't anything on earth that could make me go back!
Nabiki: (whispering in his ear) Pity. Then I'd have to tell Akane
where you've been eating lately.
(Ranma thinks this over.)
Ranma: Maybe a few more days won't hurt.
Nabiki: (slipping out of his grasp) I thought you'd see it my way.
Akane: (doubtfully) I don't know....it sounds awfully dangerous..
Genma: (seemingly appearing from nowhere) A true martial artist
never backs down from any challenge, no matter how ridiculously
suicidal it may be. You'll stick with this job, son. After all, where
would your uncle Kenhi be if he had refused to battle the Ivory
Yodeling Demon of Nanking?
Ranma: Alive, from what I understand.
Genma: True, but all Nanking reveres his memory, and flowers are
placed yearly on the seventeen places that the Demon left him. He
is a legend. This, boy, is the true reward of the Art.
Ranma: Being ripped to pieces by Yodeling Demons? Maybe it's not
too late to become a shoe salesman....
(The door opens, and Soun enters. There's something rather odd
about him...he's lost the tired, haggard look that he's had in the
past few episodes.)
Soun: (happily) Ah, my family and that of my good friend, gathered
together. I have wonderful news for you all.
Genma: (perking up) Dinner's early today?
Soun: Even better, Saotome-kun. I'm getting married!
(Facefaults all around.)
Ranma: (hesitantly) Congratulations, Mr. Tendo...
Genma: Tendo-kun, you sly dog! (slaps Soun on the back)
Akane: (uncertain) Uh, Daddy? To who?
Nabiki: (reflexively) How much money does she make?
Soun: (laughing) One at a time! (turns to Akane and Nabiki) How do
you girls feel about this?
Akane: Well, we're happy for you, Daddy...but isn't this a little
fast? I mean, we haven't even met....her....yet.
Soun: (frowning) I think you have, actually....dear, why don't you
come inside.
(The door opens and Kodachi enters.)
Kodachi: (smiling at Akane) Just call me "Mom".
(Akane and Ranma stare in disbelief. Nabiki's eyes roll up in her
head; she gives a little moan and faints. Genma leers at Kodachi
approvingly.)
Ranma: (stammering) M-Mr. Tendo, y-you can't be serious.....
Kodachi: I know this must hurt, Ranma, but try to understand...
(Akane's mouth opens, closes, then opens again.)
Genma: (slapping Soun enthusiastically on the back) A beautiful
bride, old friend. You haven't lost your touch.
Soun: Thank you. Will you be our best man?
Akane: (calmly) Excuse me. Daddy?
Soun: Yes, dear?
Akane: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING OF? SHE'S MY AGE, FOR
GOD'S SAKE! AND SHE'S A PSYCHOTIC MENTAL CASE WHO'S TRIED
TO KILL ME AND MARRY RANMA! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!?!
Kodachi: (frowning) Soun-sama, I don't think your daughter likes
me.
Soun: (stage whisper) I think she's a bit jealous. (to Akane) Now
sweetheart, I know this might get some taking used to, but I think
you'll learn to love your stepmother as much as I do.
Akane: LOVE HER? LOVE HER? I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER LEARN TO
TURN MY BACK ON HER!
Ranma: (conciliatory tone) Um, Akane....
(Akane spins around to face him, blue aura from hell lighting up
the room.)
Akane: YOU! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, SOMEHOW!
Ranma: (indignantly) Me? Me? It's not my fault your dad has an
even worse fiancee than I do!
Akane: BBBBBAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
(Ranma is transmuted into a big hole in the wall.)
Kodachi: (amused) They're so cute when they're this age. Also
destructive. I can see that stiffer....disipline....will be required.
(Akane storms out of the room, running upstairs to Kasumi's room.
She flings open the door to find Kasumi on the phone.)
Kasumi: (sweetly, in flawless English) No, Mister Mulder, I haven't
been anywhere near Nevada. Or an "Area 51". (giggles) Aliens?
How silly. What? Yes, I suppose the truth is out there....all right.
Bye! (she hangs up and turns to Akane) Is something wrong, Akane-
chan?
Akane: (almost in tears)Oh Oneechan, Daddy's getting married!
Kasumi: (gently) Oh, Akane...he can't mourn mother forever...I know
this must seem hard, but...
Akane: I don't mind the fact that he's marrying! But he's marrying
Kodachi Kuno!
Kasumi: I suppose she is a little unstable...
Akane: (muttering) ...And the Great Wall of China is a big fence...
Kasumi: ..but has he seemed happy?
Akane: (aback) I suppose so.....
Kasumi: Maybe they'll be good for each other.
Akane: (appalled) Oneechan, this is Kodachi we're talking about.
The person who tries to kill me and drug Ranma. The girl who
makes Charles Manson look like Mr. Rogers. _That_ Kodachi.
Kasumi: But if she's marrying Daddy, she won't need to do those
things anymore, will she?
(Akane thinks for a second.)
Akane: Will you at least go downstairs and talk about it with him?
Kasumi: (smiling) Of course.
(They descend the stairs and enter the living room. Ranma, still a
bit battered, is pouring cold water on Nabiki's face in a effort to
wake her up. Genma, Soun, and Kodachi are making plans for the
wedding.)
Akane: (nudging Kasumi) Well? Talk to him.
(Kasumi walks over, pulls Soun aside, and speaks with him.)
Nabiki: (coming to, woozily) Ohhh....Ranma, I had the most
interesting dream......
(Soun nods and embraces Kasumi, who then turns to the rest of
the room.)
Kasumi: Daddy and I have decided that we'll have a double
wedding.
Ranma & Akane: No way am I marrying this....HEY!
Kasumi: (laughing) Not yours. Mine.
(Everyone stares at her.)
Akane: What?
Kasumi: (blushing) He finally worked up the courage to ask
me....you know how shy he is.....
Ranma: Yeah....I'm surprised he was able to put a coherent
sentence together with you there, let alone propose.
Nabiki: (slyly) I guess this'll really make Tofu the family doctor.
(Everyone chuckles at this, save Kasumi, who just looks puzzled.)
Kasumi: But he already is the family's doctor...
Nabiki: (rolling her eyes) Yes, but you marrying him....
Kasumi: (giggling) I'm not marrying him.
Nabiki: (looking confused) But you just said....
Kasumi: I'm marrying Tatewaki.
(Nabiki's eyes roll up, and she faints again. Ranma and Akane stare
at Kasumi in shock.)
Ranma: You....marry.....Kuno....you?
(Kasumi nods happily.)
Akane: (horrified) Why on earth would you want to do that to
yourself, Oneechan?
Kodachi: It does seem a rather unpleasant thing to do, daughter-
to-be. I inherited most of the family's good traits.
(Everyone except Soun and Kasumi looks dubious.)
Kasumi: (benign, oblivious smile) Oh, he's such a nice man. He says
the most romantic things, and he's very attentive. And very
proper, too.
Genma: Congratulations, Kasumi. What will you be serving at the
wedding feast?
Kasumi: I was thinking of having a glazed ham for the main
dish....and bacon-ball appetizers.....and maybe I'll get Shampoo
to do a pork ramen....
(Akane just stands there, looking alternately confused, upset, and
angry. Despite this, Ranma works up the courage to walk over to
her.)
Ranma: (taking her arm) C'mon, Akane. We gotta talk.
Akane: Not now....
Ranma: Now. It's about the weddings.
(Akane looks at him for a few seconds, then nods and follows him
upstairs to her room.)
Ranma: This is not normal.
Akane: (irritated) No, really? Is _that_ what you wanted to tell
me?
Ranma: No, I mean...aw, hell...look, neither your dad or Kasumi
should be showing any interest in the Kunos. And Kodachi's
obsessed with me....
Akane: You and your ego. Just because she tries to drug you and
sleep with you doesn't mean she's _obsessed_....
Ranma: (rolling his eyes) ...And Kuno is after both of us, despite
the fact that we send the jerk to the infirmary on a near-daily
basis. But Kasumi said that _he_ proposed to _her_.
Akane: (realization hitting her) You're saying that this isn't
normal.
Ranma: Yes! That's what I said!
Akane: Ah, but you didn't say it the right way.
Ranma: ...
Akane: So what could be causing it?
Ranma: Dunno...maybe Shampoo and the old troll cast a spell on
them or something...
Akane: (after thought) No....I wouldn't put it past either of them,
but it doesn't make any sense. Kasumi didn't want to marry you,
and Kodachi's been hanging around with Shampoo lately...
Ranma: You're right...hey, maybe they just hit the wrong target or
something. It's happened before...
Akane: Maybe...so what do we do? We can't just let them marry!
Ranma: (musing) Oh, I don't know....it would get Kodachi and Kuno
off my back....
Akane: (tightly) It would also put them in the same house as you.
And as "Mrs. Tendo", Kodachi would probably insist on cooking.
And finally, do you think that marrying Kasumi would slow Kuno
down? Being in love with more than one person has never bothered
him before. And you'll be living under the same roof as him.....
Ranma: (shuddering) The marriages have to be stopped! Come on!
(He turns to leave. Akane grabs his sleeve.)
Akane: Uh, Ranma...where are you going?
Ranma: I'm gonna go find out who I need to beat up.
Akane: Right. And how are you going to do this?
Ranma: Ummm.........ask?
Akane: Ranma, sometimes you make Kuno look like Stephen
Hawking.
Ranma: Huh. And you have a better idea?
Akane: (smugly) Yup. Instead of finding out who did it, we find out
how to cure it. And it just so happens that I know someone who
can do it. Someone who has a very effective motivation.
(Scene changes to the Nekohanten, late evening. All of the
customers have left, and Shampoo is cleaning up; scrubbing tables
and carrying dishes into the back. A sudden pounding at the door
causes her to look up.)
Shampoo: (loudly) We're closed!
Voice: It's Kodachi!
Shampoo: (happily) Ko-chan! One second!
(She walks across the room and opens the door. Kodachi enters, a
big silly grin on her face.)
Kodachi: Guess what, Shampoo! I'm getting married! I asked him,
and he agreed!
(Shampoo stares, dumbstruck. Finally, she picks up a bonbori.)
Shampoo: (sadly) I will have to fight you for him, you realize.
Kodachi: (frowning) Why? I thought you loved Ranma.
Shampoo: I do. And that's why I'm going to fight for him, much as I
dislike this.
Kodachi: (comprehending) Oh! No, Shampoo, you misunderstand. I'm
marrying Soun Tendo, not Ranma.
(Shampoo stares for a second time.)
Shampoo: You marry Soun Tendo!? Violent Girl's father? Why?
Kodachi: (dreamily) He's such a man...I can't understand what I
ever saw in Ranma...he's so immature, not like Soun-sama...
Shampoo: (hesitantly) Well....congratulations. I think.
Kodachi: Will you be the maid of honor at the wedding?
Shampoo: Of course....
(The two look at each other, and then giggle uncontrollably.)
Shampoo: ....as long as you're my maid when I marry Ranma.
Kodachi: (sobering) Of course. Now, how are we going to hook you
up with him?
Shampoo: (despairingly) I don't know. It seems I've tried
everything...(her voice hardens)...but that was when he thought I
was stupid. Now...now that I can actually talk.....
Kodachi: (sternly) You have been practicing, yes?
Shampoo: Yes! Listen; "The precipitation over Iberia descends
primarily in the low-lying grasslands."
Kodachi: By George, I think she's got it! AHaHahAHAhAHahaHa!
Cologne: (emerging from a back room) No demonic cackling after
business hours, girl. You're interrupting my meditation.
Kodachi: Meditation?
Cologne: Yes. A highly spiritual focusing used to relax the body
and mind.
>From the Back Room: In the name of the Moon, I shall punish you!
(Kodachi stares at Cologne, who slowly and with great dignity
walks into the back room and closes the door.)
Shampoo: (shrugging) Great-grandmother's a big fan. Even tried to
audition as a voice actress once.
Kodachi: Oh?
Shampoo: Yes. They offered to cast her as the voice of one of the
evil monster things.
Kodachi: She must have been upset...
Shampoo: Oh no, she was overjoyed. I believe she's in a couple of
the episodes.
Kodachi: (interested) Really? Which ones?
Shampoo: I don't know, I don't watch the show. All I remember
was that the main character whined a lot in each of the ones
great-grandmother was in.
Kodachi: That could be any of them, then...
Shampoo: She even had her own sailor suit made.
Kodachi: (picturing this for a second) I will never understand why
some people think _I'm_ odd....
(Scene changes to the Tendo kitchen. Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki are
sitting around the table.)
Nabiki: I can't believe I passed out like that. Twice.
Ranma: Why'd you do that, by the way? I mean, you're callous and
amoral and *thwack*
Akane: (putting away her mallet) That's my sister you're
discussing.
Nabiki: It's all right. I just had two thoughts hit me at once. First
of all, "Kodachi? This is horrible!". Secondly, "We just married
into half the Kuno fortune!". It was a bit too much to handle at the
same time. And then when Kasumi made her announcement...
Akane: So you'll help us break them up?
Nabiki: (twisting in her seat) Can't we wait until after the
wedding, when half the cash is legally ours?
Akane: (annoyed) No.
Nabiki: (wistfully) Oh well. It would have been nice to be
independently wealthy. I'll just have to talk Kuno into giving
Oneechan expensive pre-wedding gifts. Refundable ones.
Ranma: (rubbing his head) I'm gonna go change outta my uniform.
(As he leaves, Nabiki looks at Akane, a serious expression on her
face.)
Nabiki: Akane...I know this isn't a pleasant thought, but what are
we going to do if it turns out Daddy and Kasumi's...condition...is
permanent?
Akane: (shuddering) Adapt, I suppose. I'd rather not think about it.
Nabiki: I suppose...(she looks at the floor)...being in love has really
made Kasumi sloppy. There's flour or sugar or something on the
floor.
(She reaches down and gets some on her finger, and lifts it up.)
Nabiki: (sniffing it) It doesn't smell like eith....(her eyes glaze a
bit, and then come back into focus. She stares at Akane, a strange
expression moving across her face.)
Akane: Nabiki? Something wrong?
Nabiki: (staring at Akane) Wrong? Uh, no. Nothing. Gotta go, um,
shower. Yes. Cold shower.
Akane: I'll come with you. I'm a bit dirty myself...
Nabiki: (sweating) Uh....no, I don't think....
Akane: (puzzled) Are you sure? I can soap your back for you...
Nabiki: (gulping, blushing madly) Uh, got a appointment in town
with a, um, fruit merchant, uh, yeah, gotta run, bye!
(She runs out. Akane stares after her.)
Akane: I wonder what all that was about.
END OF EPISODE 4
Special thanks to Travis Butler.
Fnord.