Revengefic V1.0
As I was stirring the curry, I couldn't but help wonder at the
recent events taking place among the FFML writers, especially the men
or who used to be men, or who are men sometimes, or those who are not
human at all. Hmm ... it was very strange indeed that there was such
a rash of vengeance administered by the anime characters whose lives
were ruined by the author's whim.
I procrastinate too much; however, this was a time where I was
glad that I procrastinated and didn't write, much less post any 'fics.
Or had I? When was the last time I ... time ... time!? Realization hit
me like a slice of lemon wrapped around a gold brick. I started to
shake a bit ... I remember writing a story involving the Ranma cast in a
Back to the Future plot. The problem was that I wrote it so long ago (2
years or so), that I couldn't remember what I had done to the
characters. I swallowed a lump and hoped that they had forgotten and
...
Someone tapped my shoulder. I turned around. Ranma and Akane
were standing behind me with their arms crossed.
"I guess you guys are here because of my fanfic, right?"
They both nodded.
"I hope you're not angry ... I think I gave it a happy ending,
didn't I?"
They both shook their heads.
I started to sweat, and it wasn't because of the hot stove. I
didn't know what to say that will deter them from their expected course
of action.
"You're right." Akane replied.
"Huh?"
"Nothing you can say will prevent what we're going to you."
I sighed.
"Well, if I'm to be punished, can I at least have my dinner
first? You're welcome to join me."
Ranma and Akane looked at each other, shrugged, and sat down.
I spooned the rice out of the rice cooker and ladled some curry
on top and served it to my ... er ... guests. Akane dug right in.
"Wow! This is pretty good curry ... but not quite as good as
Kasumi's. You're a pretty good cook."
"Why thank you!" I leaned forward, "This doesn't change things
any, does it?"
They both shook their heads.
"Pity."
Ranma sniffed and cautiously took a bite.
"Wow! Akane's right, this is really good! You'd make a better
girl than Akane."
"HEY!" we yelled in stereo :)
Akane began to glow ominously, "Are you saying that I can't cook?"
Ranma waved his hands rapidly, "No no no ... it's just that he'd
make a nice girl, wouldn't you say?"
Akane paused for a moment to consider the words. Ranma braced
himself for impact. Crickets started to chirp.
"Er ... I like being a guy quite fine. After all, I have three
roommates, all male. I don't think they'll be comfortable with the idea
either."
Right then, Ukyou stepped in. "By the way, do you have any
girlfriends?"
Drats, the standard question. "Er ... no."
"Have you ever had a date?" Akane asked.
I bowed my head, deep in thought. After a few moments, I waved
my hand furiously and looked up at the expectant gang, ... and plopped
down again.
Cologne pogoed over on her cane, "Well, are you guys done yet?"
Ranma shook his head, "Nope, he's still trying to remember the
last time he had a date."
"Ah! I remember now! The last time I had one was over six
years ago. They don't taste very good when green."
Everyone facefaulted.
Cologne rapped my head with the cane.
*OW!*
"Okay ... I guess you meant the guy-girl thing ... (the gang
nodded) ... never."
Akane raised her brows and leaned forward, "Never had a date
with a girl?"
I shook my head vigorously. "I think that girls are weird.
Then again, all humans are weird."
"You're a strange one," Cologne noted.
"I'm human, aren't I?"
"I wouldn't count on it for too long."
"What do you guys have in store for me? Please be easy on me,
I don't have the money to do anything now, not even to go on a date,
even if it were Miss Universe."
The whole gang (though I don't know how they all fit into the
small kitchen) stood in silent meditation.
Mousse donned his glasses and produced a cartridge from his
sleeve, "We could put him in an RPG."
I began to think of all the cool weapons and spells that I could
get ... and the treasure! Thousands of GP's!
"I could always use another pair of hands at Ucchan's. He could
earn money and meet girls there."
"So could we, Mousse keeps mixing up the orders."
"Hey!"
"Nah, we should cast him as your stunt double, Ranma. Girls are
always flocking to you."
"Hey, it's not my fault!"
"Or as a taste-tester for your cooking."
Everyone except Akane started to look a bit green.
"How about we use the nyannichuan water on him and enter him in
a beauty pageant." Happosai's eyes started to glaze over.
"It would be a travesty if he should not learn from the best.
I, the Blue Thu ...."
I quickly cupped his mouth. I didn't want his display to blow
out the power.
"I could train the young one ... also it would seem that years
would be needed to get him into shape."
"I'm in shape. Round's a shape, no?" I meekly replied. Okay,
so I was a tad overweight.
Gosunkugi stepped in front, or at least he tried to. He tripped
over a peeved piglet. "He could learn magic, especially love spells."
"Your spells never work." Everyone coursed.
The whole gang huddled together whispering to each other.
Remarkably, they were refraining from fighting, even Happosai resisted
the urge ... well, almost everyone. I decided to sit down and finish
the rest of my chicken curry rice.
Almost an hour later, they broke up and came to me with their
proposal to both teach me and punish me.
Akane stepped forward, "We've decided to do a bit of everything.
You're going to start out working in Ucchan's working as a waitress
under Kasumi. For your hobby, you dabble in magic with Gosunkugi, of
course, with no success. One day, Kasumi, is kidnapped and you are
forced to rescue her, otherwise you face the prospects of having ... do
I have to say this?"
"YES!" The gang chimed.
"Fine. Let's see ... oh yeah, otherwise, you face the prospect
of having me cook. (I began to compete with Gosunkugi for paleness). In
order to have you defeat this really bad guy, you will eventually need
to learn sword fighting from Kuno and magic/techniques from Cologne. In
your quest, you will have to traverse difficult terrain and defeat many
fiercesome beasts. Nabiki will be taking her 30% cut of the salvage
rights. You'll have to solve many puzzles and use martial-arts cooking
as well as enter a beauty pageant (Happosai nearly faints from delight)
in order to reach the bad guy. Once you finish your quest, you can keep
the equipment, the money, after Nabiki's 45% conversion fee, of course,
and the experience, of course. Thus, by the end, you'll be fit, rich,
smart and be able to have a meaningful relationship with a girlfriend (I
started to grin widely) as well as have suffered many cuts and bruises,
boring lectures, terrible terrain and weather, cutthroat deals, near-
death, as well as a really embarrasing beauty pageant. (I started to
back away).
"Eh? What if I fail? Will I die?"
"No, you will not die. Since it's an RPG, you'll continue off
from the last time you slept. You can choose to give up the search for
Kasumi, but then you face the prospect of having to eat my cooking
for the rest of your life."
"Wait ... isn't there another opti...!"
I was throughly doused with the water. Suddenly, everything
turned dark and I felt a breeze about me. A few seconds later, the
curtains disappeared and I saw that not only did my body change, but
my clothing did too. I wasn't wearing a t-shirt and pajamas. Now,
I was wearing a frilly dress, an apron with "Piyu! Piyu! on top, and
was armed with a spatula, and a cleaning rag.
"Eh? This is what I start out with?!?"
"Hey, in RPG's you always start at the bottom. By the way, the
water is from the chitsuton (sp?) so you can't change back too early.
Remember to have a safe journey!"
"Wait!"
The world disappeared around me. I found myself in a
restatuant. Kasumi was busy at the stove preparing food.
"Hi-chan! Could you please get this order."
Without thinking I acted, "Hai, Kasumi-san."
She giggled, "You don't have to be so formal."
After I delivered the order (the only customer at the moment), I
began to realize the predictament I was in. I'm starting in an RPG with
absolutely nothing. I needed to have a talk with Kasumi.
"Kasumi-san!" I looked around. "Kasumi?" I saw a note on the
table.
Dear, Hi-chan
I went out to get some fresh ginger as our other stock is old
and shriveled. I'll be back in half an hour.
Kasumi
Akane walked in.
I began to panic.
The end of the beginning.
----
This is the first bit of fiction I've written in a while :)
Writing this was fun ... I'm very tempted to continue ;)
I'm also open to ideas ... ex: name of bad guy in this RPG, the quest of
the bad guy, etc.
Note to whoever compiles the revengefics:
You can incorporate this 'fic with the body unaltered. However, since
it is V1.0, I may make some changes that I would like to see in the
compiled version (e.g. I need a new description of my new self).
Feel free to email me with questions.
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