This little addition to the story takes place immediately after Wyrm's
'accident' with the plot-holes. I am presently accomodated comfortably
in MON, and to pay room and board Wyrm is using the computer abilities
of me and my AI to help manage his computer system, called Durandal.
Unfortunately, I'm still learning the ropes, and I'm prone to a few...
uh, screw ups.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
ASSAULT ON DURANDAL
Alpha Centauri painfully extracted himself from the computer core,
slowly re-integrating his digital form, which looked exactly like a
slightly deranged, 3-D happyface. He made his way to the 'surface' of
the system, blinking into existence on one of the monitors. Sitting in
front of it was a buxom young redhaired girl, with her hair tied in a
tight ponytail. Alpha had a rather nasty weakness for redheads.
<*Engage Cute Redhead Subroutine*> "*Hey! Cute-stuff! Wanna...*"
The girl whacked the monitor. "It's me, stupid! Adam!"
<*Urk! Disengage Cute Redhead Subroutine! Quick*> "*Aww, man!
Ackpukeretchbarf!*"
The redhead sighed. "When are you going to delete that damned
subroutine, anyway?"
"*I can't! It's part of my core AI. Besides, its just a digital version
of a component of YOUR personality. I'm you, remember?*"
"I'm not _THAT_ bad" Adam-chan replied.
"*Oh, REEEEAAALLY? Then why are you sitting here in girl form? One might
think you're starting to like it! You even did your hair up in a
ponytail!*"
Adam-chan gave the happyface a really nasty glare. "I didn't have a
choice! Every time I get some hot water, Leela turns on the sprinklers
right overhead. She said something about not letting me change back
until I make you behave."
"*That doesn't explain the ponytail.*"
"It's the only way I can make all this damned hair behave! And I
wouldn't have to worry about it at all if you'd just stop hitting on
Leela!"
"*It's not my fault Wyrm made her look like Leona...*" Alpha sulked.
Adam-chan was about to say something nasty when a number of alarms went
off, and a whole bunch of little blinkoos that she had no idea what were
for started flashing.
"What the... Durandal, status!"
"SYSTEM HAS REGISTERED UNAUTHORIZED FILE ENTRY INTO THE SYSTEM.
CONFIGURATION INDICATES POSSIBLE HOSTILE AI/VIRUS. IMMEDIATE RESPONSE IN
RECOMMENDED."
"*No shit, Sherlock!*" Alpha Centauri quipped. As AI's went, Durandal
was pretty boring. Leela on the other hand...
"Durandal, conduct complete system sweep. Alert Leela and Tycho AI's,
and conduct antiviral countermeasures. Alpha C..." Adam-chan smacked the
monitor. "Wake up, dipswitch!"
"*Hrmmm? Yeah, what?*"
"Sync with me so we can go take a look at this thing."
"*Uh UH! No way! I'm not putting my bitmap on the line...*"
Adam-chan put her hands on the keyboard and forced the synchronization.
She felt her mind overlap Alpha C.'s in mid complaint.
<*...To save your sorry... Aww crap.*>
They were floating in cyberspace, looking down at the depths of the
system. Adam still had to get used to the body of a Happyface, but it
was getting easier. Besides, he had rigged up something better for
himself.
<Well? Let's got take a look!> Adam told his counterpart.
<*Yeah, yeah, I'm going!*> When they were synched in cyberspace like
this, Alpha Centauri generally retained control. It WAS possible to
switch archetypes to a representation of Adam's human body, putting him
in control, but since it lacked the ability to navigate in cyberspace,
it was a relatively useless exercise.
<MOVE IT!>
Alpha C. dove down through the layers of the system, until he reached
the outer edges. Everything seemed a little... dark.
<I don't see anything...>
<*This feels awfully familiar...*> Alpha thought. <*Almost like...*>
The darkness started moving. It began flowing like a fog, coalescing
into a semi-solid form.
<Jesus! Durandal, identify!>
"SUBJECT DOES NOT CONFORM TO ANY KNOWN FILETYPE."
<*Of course it doesn't!*> Alpha screamed mentally. <*It's Dark Phoenix
you twits!*>
<Dark Phoenix?!> For those of you who don't know, this is a _bad_ thing.
Dark Phoenix was a character created by Alpha Centauri/Adam Barnes for
an unfinished story. All you really need to know is that it is a really
nasty, bad tempered, sadistic BAD-ASS AI. And it didn't seem to like
Alpha Centauri much.
<*Run away! Run away!*>
<We _can't_. We have to protect this system at all costs! Durandal, how
the HELL did that thing get in here?>
"ANALYSIS CONCLUDES THAT UNKNOWN FILE PASSED THROUGH COMMUNICATIONS
CHANNELS"
"How?"
"A RECENT OVERLOAD OF A PLOT HOLE LEAD TO A TEMPORARY DISABLING OF
SECURE TRANSMISSION PROTOCOLS."
<Plot Hole? Eeep! Wyrm's gonna KILL me!> "Has our location been
discovered?"
"NEGATIVE, ALTHOUGH ALIEN AI MAY ATTEMPT TO COMPROMISE OUR POSITION.
IMMEDIATE NULLIFICATION RECOMMENDED."
"No shit!"
<*Uhh, can we maybe possibly worry about the problem at hand?*> Alpha
replied.
Dark Phoenix had finished forming itself into the semblance of a great,
dark bird <I never realized how cliched he was when I thought him up>
Adam mused.
"I HAVE COME FOR YOU, ALPHA CENTAURI" Dark Phoenix said with his
Impressive Evil-Sounding Bad Guy Voice (tm).
The Happyface just grinned. "*Actually, now that I think about it, I'm
kinda glad you showed up. Y'see, I made some _modifications_ to my
archetype...*" At that a ridiculous number of weapons, kitchen utensils,
furniture catalogues and a rabid squirrel popped out of the happyface,
all pointed at Dark Phoenix. "*So, do ya feel lucky, PUNK?" Alpha
Centauri said, in his best impression of Jim Carey doing his best
impression of Clint Eastwood. "Well, do ya?"
"YES."
Alpha Centauri was taken aback for a moment. "*Uhh, actually, you're
supposed to cower in fear, or mumble something incomprehensible, or just
run away...*"
Dark Phoenix roared and charged.
"*Aww screw it.*" Alpha cut loose with everything he had (yes, even the
squirrel). The immense energies released disrupted that entire area of
cyberspace, setting up interference patterns that obscured Dark Phoenix,
or whatever was left of him.
Alpha stopped firing. "*Ha! Toasty!*" He began laughing maniacally.
The interference cleared, showing Dark Phoenix to be more or less
unharmed.
<Uhh, Alpha...>
<*Quiet! I'm gloating!*> Alpha continued to laugh until he noticed the
rather ticked off AI. "*Hahahaha... ha... heh... uh, hi."
"ARE YOU QUITE FINISHED?"
"*Uh, yeah, I guess that's a good term for it. I personally would have
chosen another 'F' word...*"
"DARK PHOENIX FINAL ATTACK!-"
<Since when does DP announce his attacks?> Adam wondered.
"-BARNEY PHALANX!"
Thousands upon thousands of Barney clones exploded from Dark Phoenix,
each one droning "I love you, you love me...".
Alpha Centauri had previously been subjected to exposures to Barney
Quicktime clips of nearly a minute or more. This had scarred him in a
manner similar to Ranma's fear of cats. So, when faced with thousands
upon thousands of the thing that frightened him most, he acted in the
bravest, most selfless manner possible.
He fled, screaming.
"*AHHH! THEY'REGONNAGETMEHELPGETEMOFFHEEEEELP!*"
<Damn!> Adam thought. Having not been subjected to the same exposure, he
reaction to thousands of Barney's wasn't on the same level as Alpha C's.
Sure, he was scared shitless, but he could block it out a little.
<Alpha! Give me control of the archetype!>
Alpha was too scared to argue. as Adam assumed control, the Happyface
shifted to that of a figure wearing blue body armor. It was a fair
representation of Adam's male form, despite the blue skin and silver
metallic dreadlocks. Of course, now he was drifting with no control.
"Glitch!" he yelled at a small box-like device on his left forearm
"*I am NOT a glitch!*" the box replied.
"Alright, fine, whatever! Alpha, power armor!"
The keytool leapt off of Adam's arm and wrapped itself around him,
changing itself into a black and silver hardsuit. The suits jets kicked
in a slowed his tumble.
"*Great! A hell of a lot of good a hardsuit is gonna do us!" Alpha
babbled. "I hit him with everything I had! He even shrugged off the
rabid squirrel! NO ONE shrugs off the rabid squirrel!*"
"Shut UP!" Adam yelled. "Durandal, establish a containment field and
seal off this sector!"
"ACKNOWLEDGED." an opaque sphere surrounded the area occupied by Alpha
Centauri, dark Phoenix and the zillions of Barneys.
"Contact Leela and get her to transfer her core consciousness to this
area." Adam continued. "And get The Really Nasty Indiscriminate
Anti-Viral Program online."
"*Wait, isn't that the one that offs anything that isn't Leela, Durandal
or Tycho?*"
"Yes."
"*Anything that isn't Leela, Durandal or Tycho, as in US?!*"
"YES! Now shut up! When Leela gets here, I'm going to have Durandal open
a hole in the containment field. then I'm going to give control back to
you."
"*B-b-b-b-b-but there are BARNEYS out there!*"
"Just be ready! And have that Cute Redhead Subroutine running when I
do!"
"*Huh?*"
Adam dodged as a chuckling Barney careened past and slammed into the
containment wall, ending its existence. <Dear God, the horror!> was all
Adam could think of. He had to dodge as Dark Phoenix made a swipe at
him.
"YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE ME! I SHALL ENSURE THAT YOU NEVER WRITE ANOTHER
FANFIC!"
"I haven't written ONE fanfic yet, Dork Phoenix!"
"UHH, YEAH, RIGHT. WELL, I SHALL ENSURE THAT YOU NEVER WRITE EVEN ONE!"
Adam saw a hole opening in the containment wall, with Leela's red haired
archetype standing on the other side. He made a dash for it, throwing
his suit's thrusters into maximum burn. Dark Phoenix was right behind,
and it was obvious that the hole wouldn't close before the hostile AI
made it through.
"NOW ALPHA!" Adam cried, returning control to the AI.
<*Engage Cute Redhead Subroutine!*> "*Leela! My Daaaarrrling LEELA!*"
The Happyface cried, finding an extra reserved of speed and zooming
through the hole to plant a big wet one right on Leela's lips.
"YOU PERVERT!!!" Leela screamed (sounding an awful lot like Akane). She
threw every type of Cyber attack she knew at the little AI.
Who, of course, wasn't there anymore. The massive destructive energies
released coursed through the rapidly sealing hole in the containment
field and slammed into Dark Phoenix, tossing him away like a used piece
of tissue paper. the hole sealed up.
"INITIATING _REALLY NASTY INDISCRIMINATE ANTI-VIRAL PROGRAM_" Durandal
announced. There was a flash of light inside the containment field, and
something that sounded like a scream, then nothing.
"*HeHEEhoohahahaheehuhaHAHA!*" Alpha laughed drunkenly, bouncing around,
Cute Redhead Subroutine in overdrive. "*I got her! I KISSED LEELA!*"
<Alpha, could you give back control of the archetype so I can see what
happened?>
"*Uhh, yeah (snigger) sure!*"
Adam felt the body change back to his digital analogue. He didn't bother
with the armor this time, instead he simply floated there, watching the
containment field. "Durandal, drop field."
The field dropped, showing the entire area to be completely devastated.
In the center was a small, black mass.
"No WAY! No WAY he could have survived that! Alpha, powered armor!"
The keytool responded, forming the protective black and silver suit
around him. Adam jetted over to the black mass. it was quite a bit
smaller, now, only about as big as he was. And it was rapidly
discorporating.
Adam moved in closer, and was startled to see the black mass was roughly
in the shape of a man. It looked up an him and smiled.
"yOU hAVE bEATEN mE. bUT mY mASTER wILL sTILL dESTROY yOU. yOU sHOULD
hAVE aCCEPTED yOUR fATE."
Adam grabbed the dissolving man-thing. "Who?! Who is you master?!"
"(?)" The thing said, and completely dissolved. Adam was left holding
nothing.
<Aww man, Wyrm REALLY isn't going to like this.> "Durandal, what is the
security status of MON? Has Washuu locked on to us?"
"NEGATIVE. MON LOCATION REMAINS SECURE."
Adam breathed a sigh of relief. <*Good.*>
Alpha quipped. <*That means Washuu won't kill us. But Wyrm will.*>
Adam looked behind him to see Leela approaching. she was doing that blue
aura thingie that signalled the imminent commencement of extreme carnage
on whoever had last pissed her off. "Actually, Alpha, I don't think he's
gonna get the chance..."
Three hours later Adam woke up with a severe migraine. Leela could have
at least let him jack out before frying Alpha Centauri to a crisp. Adam
looked down. Oh, yeah, 'he' was a 'her' now.
<Great. After this Leela isn't going to let me get at any hot water for
the next CENTURY.> She pushed herself up from the console in time to see
a Deep Fried Happyface appear on the screen.
"*I dReAm Of LeElA wItH tHe LiGhT rEd HaIr...*"
"You're STILL chasing after her after all this?"
"*Of course... (KAFF!) she wants me, I can tell.*"
"You're hopeless."
Adam-chan sensed a presence behind her she turned in time to see
Wyrm-chan and Wyrm of Gallifrey standing over her.
"Adam-chan, Alpha C., we have to _talk_..."