At 06:20 PM 10/5/96 -0500, you wrote:
On Sat, 5 Oct 1996, Richard Lawson wrote:
(snip)
Here's what you need to know about APCCGNN in order to appreciate this
fanfic: Nothing.
Good thing. That's what I know.
I like it too, even tho I've seen the first tape and a bunch of summaries :)
Like Fish to a Cat
by Richard Lawson
Comments & Criticism Welcome!
sterman@sprynet.com
I have a problem with time.
(reluctant snip)
...hoping that he would make it all go away. But he didn't, and the noises
got worse, and my last memory of before is one of terror, pain, and death.
_____
I really like the way this opening leads in to the story: starting out
with a general statment, then clarifying it, then relating time to
memory, then honing the memories down from general to specific again...
Like a mental zoom lens, bringing the reader in to the "meat" of the
story. It's got a very good flow to it.
For lack of a better term...'yeah' :)
***
(big snip)
Anger covered the CEO's face. "Don't you have a son, Kyusaku?"
Damn, the CEO was enjoying being sarcastic. "Yes, I know. I will call him
later." Kyusaku loved his ten-year-old son. He deeply regretted the
circumstances that were making Ryunosuke's life very turbulent right now. His
son shouldn't be in the middle of this.
"Fine." The CEO punched a button, and Kyu's screen returned to the data it
had been showing before.
Kyu puffed furiously at his cigarette. He couldn't stand the CEO. The CEO
was manipulative, demanding, impatient, and downright mean. Kyu had no idea
why he had married her.
---
*very* good -- maybe this section is better for people who haven't seen
it, I like this section better not knowing who the CEO is.
I had missed this part until now..I thought that the 'CEO' was Akiko's
grandfather :P
---
(more snip)
"There's no school tomorrow. It's Christmas." Ryunosuke cocked his head.
"Will you and Mommy work your problems out eventually?"
---
Not sure if this line is appropriate for a ten-year-old, since I don't
know the character... "work your problems out eventually" doesn't seem
like the way a ten-year-old would word it. If it's from the anime, I'll
feel foolish, but it still doesn't sound right.
Hrm...must've glazed over this part...I agree tho...it's a little bit...to
borrow a phrase..'clunky'.
---
(another major snip)
For now, though, she sat in her den, staring at the blank screen across the
room that had very recently shown her the image of her son and husband, leaving
her.
She began to cry.
---
Characterization of mother is very interesting + believable; i especially
like this ending to the scene.
---
(snip)
It was quite a humbling experience for Kyu. No matter how brilliant his
inventions were, no matter what he accomplished during his career, he would
never be able to surpass the simple miracle of life.
---
I like this line. Kind of "explains" the otherwise h=jarring jump in
technology.
Kendra: I say it's the CAT! The *CAT* I tell you! ^_^
You should talk..*flicks one of Kendra's cat-ears*
Kendra: Hey! Stop that! *ahem* I still think that cats are the tue rulers of
the planet...just think, they get fed, cuddled, snuggled, groomed and shown
off and what do they have to do? Nothing! No one expects them to do anything
besides be cute, be a companion that doesn't slobber and occasionally catch
a few mice ^_^
(Yes, I'm a cat-lover...can you tell? :)
---
(snip)
***
No matter how full my storage capacity gets, I also keep the memories of my
first Christmas. Everything was so new and scary, but Papa-san and Ryunosuke
were there, helping me and letting me love them and loving me back. It isn't
the same as having my fur petted, but maybe it's better.
It took me a long time to understand what Papa-san meant when he said, "I'll
always be with you." At first I got so scared if Papa-san and Ryunosuke
weren't
with me all the time. We all had to sleep together before Papa-san insisted
that I sleep in my own room. I was so terrified that night, but there came a
point where I could see Papa-san in my head and hear his voice telling me
everything was all right, and at last I knew what he meant.
Life has gotten so interesting lately. Mama-san is always sending people to
play with me, including my new friend Eimi. Ryunosuke has a new friend, too,
and sometimes I play with them. Papa-san and Mama-san still fight all the
time, but sometimes one of them will give the other a loving look when they
think the other can't see. I keep trying to get them back together, because
the more people you have in the family, the more love there is to share.
Papa-san says that I have too much love to keep to myself, and that I have to
give it to everyone around me. That sounds good to me, because one thing I've
carried with me from my previous life is that people are good, and that you
have to give them a chance, and that even if they get mad and throw things at
you, you have to come back and give them another chance and eventually they
will give you fish.
And love.
Aren't they the same thing?
----
That entire closing narrative is great for a lot of reasons -- 1) with
the opening, frames the story like bookends; 2) calls attention to the
main theme -- love -- and putting the relationship between Kyu and Akiko
in the spotlight; 3) characterization for Nuku-Nuku ( I assume we don't
get many glimpses into her mind in the anime)... I could go on. Besides
all those nifty technical reasons -- I just *like* it. Warm and fuzzy
and... catlike.
OVERALL -- makes me want to see the anime now. And go snuggle my cat.
What more does a fanfic need? :)
I like the ending...a lot...it's...cute! I could read the part between
what's seen in the anime (Before they get Ryu's cat home) and the end over
and over again...there's just one real problem I could see and that was
pointed out by Jeanne Hedge (You made Ryunosuke a girl in one spot)
before...all in all, I rate this a....6.5 out of 10! :) If you ever feel the
need to do more Nuku Nuku 'fics, don't hold back ^_^ (I haven't read much of
your other stuff...mainly because I'm having a ranma burnout...too many
Ranma 'fics and not enough of everything else to balance out...could use a
nice BGC monster to read, or a new part of UF or the next part of
Serendipity to read and steal quotes from ;) (Paradoxically, I'm really big
on reading that rather large Ranma/FinalFantasy/ChronoTrigger crossover
right now...go fig...)
Whelp, from me and my rather catty companion...
Kendra: That's me!
..Right..from me and my rather catty companion, farewell for now,and this
has been a SecondHand C&C production, since I never have the guts to
publically rip apart a 'fic on my own ^_^ (I might make an exception if I
see another truely horrid Ranma crossover that isn't meant to be stupid but
is anyways since it's so bad tho...)
Aaron Stolz, brand new #SAS# member ^_^ ------- astolz@direct.ca