Dear All,

I'd like to pass on my sympathy to those who've already been
cursed or changed; to those who haven't I beg you to please
take every precaution you can think of; this ain't fun.

It all began a couple of nights ago ....

Cyclists whizzed past the stationary traffic that snaked 
along the road for about a mile; movement consisting of an
advance of fifteen feet every five minutes or so.  Some
car's windows were obscured by a coating of fine mist;
though it was unknown if this was down to the driver's
ire or just the general weather conditions.

Inside a brown saloon one driver muttered an oath as the
wind blew droplets of rain through the gap he'd left by
not fully closing the window.  Turning the handle he
closed the window and wiped his glasses clean.

The steady thrum of rain beating upon the roof of the car
increased in intensity, the sound momentarily drowning out
the beautiful tones of Sherri's voice as she sang 'Adesso
E Fortuna'.  I leaned forward and increased the volume
until the sound of rain was relegated to a minor level. 
Had anyone had been standing at the roadside they may have
been puzzled by the strains of Japanese that came from an
English vehicle.  The driver of this vehicle had somewhat
unusual tastes; this could be confirmed by the sticker in
the rear window; a mixture of Katakana and Kanji; translated
it read 'Anime Express'.

The slow advance was slightly annoying but it didn't matter
I was on my way home and looking forward to seeing the latest
reports on the FFML.  After parking the car on the drive and
setting the alarm I went up the path to the door, a slight
spring in my step.  Life was good at the moment; the new VCR
was excellent; the anime tapes had arrived and a new job was
just a short time away.

In reality I should have been more circumspect; but although
hindsight engineering is a wonderful tool but it only tells
what went wrong after the event.

This is being typed this rather slowly as I'm having to come to
terms with some rather major changes wrought upon me by a pair
of low down conniving *******$!  
"Arrrrggghhhh !!"
A sharp stab of pain lances through me as one of my
protagonists reminds me in a non too subtle way to be more
careful with the manner in which I describe them.

However this is jumping ahead a bit; let me tell you how it all
began and pass on a warning to others who may be tempted to
follow in my footsteps ....

                             *****

It had all started so innocently; an amusing idea and challenge
posted to the mailing list by one of its denizens during a
relatively quiet period.  The response had been swift, the output
of a seemingly dead (at least by FFML standards that is) suddenly
jumped; a veritable torrent of tales of woe and misery began to
flood the list.

It centred around fanfic authors and the characters of the stories
taking exception (some in a major way) to their treatment in such.
No one had expected anything to happen (but he would, wouldn't he),
but somehow the characters had managed to confront the hapless
authors, if the posts were to be believed.
 
Most of the authors had been found wanting by the harsh standards
of the judges; Ranma and Akane in the majority of cases, although
other characters had also entered into the 'spirit' of judgement.

The authors were being punished for things they'd inflicted upon
the characters; initially it was only for stories that had only
been sent out, but later came to include unpublished/unfinished
works and then some authors were set upon just for thinking of
ideas.

I read the posts of woe and laughed at the well spun tales; I also
laid thanks to the imaginations of the assembled authors for their
skill and humour.

Somewhere in the recesses of my mind a bell rang; it's warning was
drowned by logic though; after all this couldn't possibly happen,
could it ?

However just to be sure I mentally checked through the one fanfic I
had released to the world and breathed a sigh of relief; there was
nothing in it that could be construed as major suffering on behalf
of a character.  Only one might seek retribution and that was myself
but that was not likely as the whole episode was a dream sequence for
another character.  My current Dragon Half 'fic was still incomplete
and major parts of the plot hadn't even been thought of yet let alone
committed to paper or disk drive; in fact it's future was still
uncertain.

In short I was completely safe, or so I thought.

A note for the incautious here :
*Never* *ever* tempt fate with thoughts like that.  For fate is a
fickle beast and is apt to screw your life up for much less.

Relaxing in my chair, feet propped upon the one clear spot on the
desk I reclined listening to the music of Hisashi Jo, Mozart, Bach
and Kenji Kawai.  The main room light was off; with only the light
from the computer's monitor and the small desk lamp to illuminate
the room, most of it was in deep shadow.

With the headphones on I was completely oblivious to the almost
silent pop which heralded the arrival of the those who were to
heap upon me the affliction from which I now suffer.

My enjoyment of a horn rondo was interrupted as the chair
suddenly spun round crazily; my feet swinging across the desk
creating a small snowstorm of papers as they fluttered to the floor.
I was about to rise, when the chair with me still in it was lifted 
four feet into the air.  My mind performed several backflips and
somersaults before logic kicked in and demanded an explanation,
"What the Pee Aich You Que is going on !" I yelled.

That got me a sharp rap on my knuckles as they gripped the arms
of the chair.
"Owww!!  Hey that hurts, cut it out."

Then a woman's spoke; her voice was soft but there was a definite
hint of authority in her tone,
"I'm going to put the chair down in a moment.  It would be in your
best interest to remain there and not to try anything stupid.
Do I make myself clear ?"

A shiver ran up and down my spine; I was being held aloft by a 
woman !?  This was not a sexist thought; it was just I'd never
seen anyone who could lift a thirteen stone body and a heavy
armchair with such apparent ease.
"Uh, yes. Perfectly clear.
May I ask to whom I'm speaking ?"

"Yes, you may," was the reply to my question followed by a
stony silence.

"Err, and ?" I prompted.

"Did you want something ?" the woman replied.

"Well what's your answer ?"

"I said you could ask, at no time was an answer mentioned,"
she replied; a hint of iciness in her voice.

The hairs began to prickle on the nape of my neck; I was 
beginning to get a nasty feeling that the army catering pack
of trouble had just been delivered to my door with orders for
immediate consumption.  As promised the chair was lowered; all
the time I was wondering who the hell had a grudge against me.

My answer came when the chair was turned round and the light
reflected off an armoured suit; alarm bells went off inside
my head; <Oh sh*t!>
"Okay, what did I do wrong ?"

A roll of paper unfurled and the spool rolled across the floor;
evidently a long list.  A high pitched "Eep" escaped my throat,
before I suspected it was all a ruse; Sylia wouldn't need the
list, it was for show, in order to worry me.  Courage; well I
think it was courage (it could have been stupidity) welled up
inside me, "Now just hold on a moment here.  There's absolutely
no way I did all that to you.  Who are you trying to fool ?"

Sylia laughed at my bravado; my courage evaporated like the dew
under the morning sun; seeing Sylia laughing was *very* worrying.
"Oh this isn't just my list, I'm just the nominated 
representative; along with my partners of course."
She glanced round and seemed only a trifle put out that she was
currently unaccompanied.  Evidently Sylia had marked me as no
threat to her safety; she was perfectly correct in that assertion
of course.
"Here's your list of crimes;
Defamation of my father's character
Priss, Nene and *me* acting out of character"

<Hmm, she sounds particularly ticked off at that one>

"Injuries to Linna, Priss and Nene.
Mackie's death.
Hardsuit damages.
Your terrible attempts at humour, particularly those
wretched puns.
Self insertion with ridiculous powers.
Explanation of the sixth enhanced mind was missing.
Ludicrous enemy.
Damage to the Mercedes.
My mental torture at the end.
And a highly contrived conclusion to the plot."

A sudden thought occurred to me at that point and I voiced
my doubts,
"Just hold on a moment here.  You can't claim the injuries
to Linna, Nene and Priss plus Mackie's death and the damage
Mercedes; they were from two separate streams; only one
can be valid.  Get real !"

"That's not a bad try, logically speaking.  However you've
overlooked one thing."

"Which is ?"

"Logic was never mentioned as part of the deal," she smiled again;
*bad* sign; "So you're in deep trouble."

"Ulp !" was the only thing that I managed say at that point. 

Further protest by me was interrupted by a bright flash
which temporarily blinded me.  When my vision had returned
a bit I noted there were now two figures standing in the
shadows but who was the other one ? It wasn't too long
before my vision fully returned and then I wished it hadn't.

The young white haired haired woman was dressed in a gold
edged white outfit that didn't leave much to the imagination.
The top; not that there was much to it; left a good view of
her ample cleavage and was cut in such a way so as to expose
her navel as well; her short mini skirt and long thigh boots
would grab any man's attention.  What caused my heart to
really sink was the gold amulet replete with five gold chains
hanging from it that adorned her forehead and the sword that
hung at her waist.

Then I noticed the glow that reflected from her yellow eyes
and her long pointed ears; <That's an elf> I thought.
Unfortunately my memory chose that point to remind who was
standing before me.

"Oh my god," I groaned, "Pirotess."

She fixed me with a steely gaze and raised her hands in front
of her face; "Having trouble with your eyes ?".

<Ulp>, "Err goddess ?" I prompted hesitantly.

"That's a good little human." she replied and lowered her hands.

Sylia whispered something to Pirotess who nodded in
agreement, then they turned to face me again; both were
smiling.

"You have two choices now." Sylia paused to stroke her 
chin, "Well actually there are three choices but somehow
I don't think 'Giving up your life to help raise Kardiss'
will be the one you decide to take."

"Is one of those options 'Nothing happens to me' by any
remote chance ?" I asked optimistically.

"None whatsoever." they chorused.

"Sure about that ?"

"Positive." Sylia replied.

"Be grateful that you get a choice, foolish human."

"Okay okay, thank you.  So just what are the choices ?"

Pirotess smiled "Did you want to exercise option three at
all ?" and held out a single scroll.

"Err, I think I'll pass on that one.  That is if it's all
right with you."

She opened her hand; the scroll rose up and burned away to
nothing.  "I don't know why we bothered with that one, you're
the fourth being to decline it today."

Mindful of how pedantic Sylia had been when I enquired earlier
as to who was speaking, I phrased my next question with care;
"So just what are the details of the two choices ?"

Sylia unfurled the first scroll and began to read,
"Wish fulfilment; like in your story."

<Not exactly a nice option either.  Okay I get super-powers
and see the Knight Sabers but also wind up very dead.>
"So what's the other option then ?"

Sylia handed the first scroll to Pirotess and then read
from the second,
"You become head of a big UK anime translation and
dubbing company; subject to our rules, of course."

<Hmm, I don't like the sound of 'big UK'.
Mangled Tapes PLC(Tm) ?>
I thought.
"Those don't sound exactly like punishments.
What's the catch ?"

She chuckled, "You're correct in assuming there's a catch
, but if there wasn't then they'd hardly be punishments.
You're obviously not quite as stupid as you look, though
others may disagree with that."

Pirotess spoke, "Oh, by the way, you have fifteen seconds
left to make up your mind or option three gets actioned."

"WHAT ?!!" I shrieked, "You never said anything about a
time limit !"  I almost added 'That's not fair' but it
wouldn't have done any good.

"Oh dear, it must have slipped my mind.  How careless of me."
Pirotess smiled; the sarcasm oozing from every word.  Her
voice took on an icy edge, "You have nine seconds remaining." 

<Damn it!  Which one do I take ?
Option one although possessing a definite down side; like an
early death; at least meant I could try to be useful.  What
would it be truly like in MegaTokyo 2034 ?>

"Five seconds left." Pirotess reminded me.

<Option two sounded marginally better, but then I recalled that
UK anime fans held no love for Mangled Tapes PLC(Tm).  I'd never
be able to attend an anime convention again and end up being
reviled for the rest of my life - uggh !>

"Four."

<Death, hated for life or death
Nice choices !  NOT !
HELP !!>

"Two." Pirotess was clearly enjoying watching me squirm.

"Arrrgh! Option Two."

"Are you sure ?", she enquired sweetly.

Something in her voice sent an icy chill running up and down
my spine; I shuddered violently.
"ONE !" I yelled, "I'll take option ONE !"

"Done !" said Sylia, "and to quote from your story 'You certainly
have been'."  The she laughed in a way that made flesh creep; it
sounded just like Kodachi.

"No no, I meant TWO."

"Too late human, it has been decided." Pirotess held her hands
together and chanted something in a tongue I didn't understand.
A glowing sphere of light began to form between her hands as
she slowly eased them apart.  Cupping her hands she looked at
me and blew the iridescent ball of light in my direction; I tried
to get up and run but was unable to move; held in place by some
mysterious force.

The ball of light touched me; every nerve ending seemed to catch
fire and I began to glow; waves of every colour dancing over my
form; I wanted to scream in pain but couldn't.  I'm not sure how
many minutes the agony went on though it seemed like hours. As I
came to I noticed my vision was all blurred.

<Strange I don't recall taking my glasses off> I thought and felt
my face carefully;  My probing fingers touched a metal frame, I 
hadn't !  So why was my vision blurred ?
An odd thought popped into my befuddled brain; <Perhaps your eyes
have changed ?>  That was confirmed when I removed my glasses and
found I could now see my two protagonists perfectly; hey neat,
instant myopia cure !
<Uh oh.  If my eyes have changed what else did.>
Panic set in as I recalled the fate that befallen many of the
male population of the mailing list.  For well over a minute
I couldn't pluck up the courage to check my chest or the area
between my legs; when I finally did so it was to much relief
that I discovered that I was still male.  My sense of touch
was much more acute as well; I could discern little bumps
and dimples that I never could before.  Then I noticed my
finger nails; I had bitten my nails as long as I could remember;
so they always *very* short, now they were long and pointed.

"All right.  So what have you done to me ?" I said and winced
sharply at the sound of my voice; it was much louder than
before and was in a slightly higher register.

"I'm sure you'll like the changes." Sylia replied, on the 
verge of breaking into giggles.

<OUCH !  Did she have to use her speaker system ?> I thought
and then noticed she hadn't put her helmet on yet.
Why was the traffic noise so loud, had they opened the 
windows ?  Or was there something up with my hearing ?
Carefully I went to put my hands over my ears to deaden the
sound and found something else that was odd.
<What the hell ?>
I felt my ears; they were bigger than before; specifically
they were longer, *much* longer.
<Oh my god !  I hope this doesn't ...>
Pirotess cut short my thought by holding up a mirror at this
point and confirmed my fears.

My ears were long, pointed and stuck out sideways; my hair was
almost blond; my face was thinner and ended in a more pointed
chin.  She'd turned me into a sodding elf !
Sylia was by now giggling softly; though it sounded very loud
to me.

Putting my hands over my now sensitive ears I responded
somewhat annoyed, "I suppose you think this is funny ?"
That was just too much for Sylia for she burst out laughing,
swiping at the air as though trying to wave away the humour.
I sat there grumpily eyeing them until Sylia had managed to
calm down and stop laughing out loud.

"I take it I don't get to see MegaTokyo then ?" I asked
quietly, lowering my hands.
Pirotess shook her head, "What do you think this is, wish 
fulfilment ?   You're being punished not rewarded."

"Hey, keep it down will you !  These things are kind of
sensitive." I replied pointing to my ears.

Grinning, Pirotess answered in a low voice,
"It just takes time to get used to it.  In about six
months you'll be easily be able to cope with it.
Your vision is much better than a human's, you're
more agile and your other senses are heightened."

"Hmm, so where's the punishment angle come in ?",
I stupidly asked.

"You're going to remain in your own world.  You're now
an extreme racial minority.  I think the doctors and
scientists are going to be very interested in a
live elf.  If you know what I mean."
Sylia's voice made my ears ring as she answered my
question.
"Now I must dash.  I have to go check on some other
wayward authors.  Who's next ?  Ah yes, Mr Van Vliet
is due for another workout.  Good night."
With that, she faded from of view; although with my
superior vision I noticed a shimmering effect as she
disappeared.

"Damn it !
What the hell am I supposed to do I do now ?
I can't go out on the streets like this and what do I
tell my parents ?"

Pirotess looked at me slyly and smiled, "Now that Miss
'Prudence' has left, come cuddle up to me; I'm sure I 
can give you a few hints."

Although she was an alluring sight I wasn't going to
give her any pleasure now she'd screwed my life up.
"After what you've done to me ?  You've done what you
came to do, now get the hell out of here."

Her smile faded and turned to a sneer,
"Very well, enjoy yourself - ELF !"
and she too faded from view.

It was then I made my fatal mistake; thinking I was
now safe I muttered an incredibly stupid thought;
"Couldn't be much worse if I were a girl."

Pirotess reappeared and angrily replied,
"Oh I can improve on that, laugh this off !"
A bright glow surrounded me and this time the fire
that coursed through my nervous system was far far 
worse than before; I did the only decent thing 
possible at that stage, I passed out.

                             *****

Finally I came to after about two hours after this whole
sorry mess got started.  My nerves are still highly
sensitised which makes typing quite painful; hell even
sitting is painful at the moment.  I now face a very
'interesting' life ahead as the only female elf alive on
this planet; I may even be unique in this universe.

It's almost like being a baby again; simple tasks that
used to be autonomic at present require thinking about.
Walking is a case in point; my balance point has moved
due the change in weight and its distribution.  Pirotess
seems to have modelled my new body on her own, which means
I have a rather well endowed bust line.  My overall lighter
weight combined with the strong muscles of my elven body
means even when I do manage to walk; it looks like the 
films of men 'walking' on the moon.  Even using the toilet
requires thought at the moment; standing is no longer an
option.

Now I have a whole new set of medical things to get clued
up on; just the female side of that will be interesting but
at least it's possible to read up on that; as for my change
of race; where can I get information about elves ?

Assuming stories about elves are true then I'll almost
certainly have more time to learn and I wonder if casting
magic spells is possible; perhaps some time spent in 'Fred'
or 'MON' would prove to be useful.

Our two cats seemed to be totally ambivalent to my change;
almost like they know it's still me inside the changed shell;
perhaps cats are more intelligent than we humans (sorry,
scratch the 'we') give them credit for.

My parents took it reasonably well; I think mum was more
pragmatic about it than dad, but she always did want a 
daughter; it's just that she wasn't expecting to lose a
son in the process.  My brothers don't know yet, how I'm 
going to face them ... well I suppose they'll have to be 
told someday soon but I need to be a lot more comfortable
and confident before that happens.

Now I must find somewhere that's nice and quiet to sleep;
even with ear plugs and a pair of ear-defenders on this
enhanced hearing is driving me crazy.

One thing on my 'to do' list is to find a new name; I don't 
think that 'Tempest' is really suitable for a female elf;
anyone got any ideas ?

Yours in adversity, 
  Tempest-chan 
  (until she can come up with a better name)

-- Mink/Tempest   aka Robin Smith        Author: "BGC : The Tempest Chronicles"
http://www.ktsabers.demon.co.uk        Lichfield, Staffordshire, United Kingdom
IRC :  Mink  or  Tempest-    [ but "Mink" most of the time ^_^ ]