Subject: Re: SKJAM! Revengefic Challenge, Digital Dimwits (Alpha Centauri revengefic #2)
From: Adam Barnes
Date: 10/4/1996, 12:10 AM
To: fanfic@fanfic.com
Reply-to:
Adam_Barnes@bc.sympatico.ca

*I must apologize in advance for this, but I recently realised that in
my previous Revengefic I essentially left my evil computer-generated
alter ego free to roam cyberspace. I couldn't let that go, so here's the
second installment. I will release this with a revised version of my
original revengefic. I hereby give permission for this sucker to be
reproduced as many times as you like, wherever you like.*

Adam groaned as he painfully scraped himself off the floor. He really
wished Ranma hadn't used his Amagurikan technique on him. At least he
had blacked out after the third or fourth punch. <It pays to have a low
threshold for pain sometimes.>
Adam noticed he was slightly damp, and wondered why. <Better
do a quick check.>
<Still alive? Check.>
<No broken bones? Check.>
<No major gaping wounds? Check.>
Suddenly his somewhat calcified brain remembered the disturbing
connection between water and Ranma 1/2.
<Uh oh! Still human? Check.>
He paused. <Still... ulp! Male?> He looked down. <Nope.>
Adam got up and regarded himself in the mirror. Staring back at him was
a red haired, female version of himself... err, herself. <Ohh SHIT!>.
She noticed a bottle lying not too far from her impression in
the concrete floor. She picked it up and read the label.

JUSENKYO SPRINGS
CURSE WATER
100% NATURAL

CHERRY/NYANNIICHIAUN

NO ARTIFICIAL COLORS, FLAVOURS OR GEIS 

<Natch. I WOULD manage to get the yuppie version of Jusenkyo water.>
Adam noticed her hair was longer, past her shoulders, and still managing
to be unruly yet flat and lifeless. <Even as a girl I have evil hair. I
guess the two curses don't cancel out.>
She regarded the computer with a cold glint in her eye, remembering the
source of her present dilemma. "CEN...TAU...RI!"
She plunked herself down in front of the computer, but she could tell
Centauri wasn’t there. <Probably out cybersurfing. He KNOWS that if I
catch him he's a dead source code!> then she noticed the FFML list.
Revengefics dotted the list. She read in horror as numerous other fanfic
authors and even a few innocent spammers were cut down. John Biles,
Kun-chan, Mihoshi, Nightelf...
<My God, how long was I out? Waitaminute...> Adam rechecked the fics. An
awful lot of them had the teed-off anime characters appearing from or
near the victims computers. <He COULDN'T have!>
She rapidly scanned the hard drive for new files. Two appeared:
'MacPortal' and 'WinPortal95'. Adam stared in disbelief, which rapidly
mutated into anger.
"Why that digital dildo!" She screamed (She noticed her voice sounded an
awful lot like Venus Terzo's now) "He's been makin portals out of other
writers computers too!"
Adam grabbed the mouse and set grimly to work. Centauri obviously wasn't
the cause of the crossovers. Not only had several revenges preceeded
hers, but not all used computers. And besides, somebody would have had
to have given the little virus the portal programs in the first place.
But he wasn't helping things any. She double clicked on the MacPortal
program, briefly wondering if more Ranma 1/2 characters would show up.
Instead of a portal, she got a window listing all the fanfic authors who
had been hit, including herself. She noticed her name was bolded, so she
double clicked on it.

Name: Adam Barnes
Known Aliases: Alpha Centauri
Fanfic Danger Index: 3
Status: Joined lifeform. Components consist of Adam Barnes, organic
human college student, also known as Alpha, and Centauri, an Artificial
Intelligence of unknown origin.
Revenge: Physical pounding, followed by standard Jusenkyo curse on human
form.
Note: Although digital component is presently being used to facilitate
access to Fanfic authors of index 6 or higher, once the majority of
these have been dealt with, it is recommended that he be subjected to
pre-emptive revenge for work in progress BubbleGum Legacy: Dark Phoenix.

Adam blinked. <They're going to nail Centauri for Legacy?> She shivered.
<I almost feel sorry for him. We do some nasty stuff to Nene and Mackie
in that one.> Adam shrugged and plugged in the electric kettle. Centauri
would return soon enough.

Centauri ricocheted through cyberspace, like some insane happyfaced
pinball. "*This is sooo much fun! I don't know who gave me those
programs, but I really oughta thank them!*" Centauri had no idea who
created the portal programs, and he really didn't care. Somehow his web
browser had gotten diverted to the wrong URL, and he had ended up at the
Goddess Relief Office Web Page. That's were he had found the programs,
and thats when the fun began.
The README file had been straightforward. Take the programs, plant them
in a fanfic writer's computer, and sit back and watch. The programs did
the rest. He LOVED Biles reaction when Shampoo tried to strangle him!
He slowed as he noticed that this particular cyber-neighborhood was
unfamiliar. He glanced around, not recognising anything.
"*Where in hell...?*"
"Not quite, but close enough." A voice said behind him. Centauri whirled
to see a vidwindow pop into existence behind him. On the other side was
a rather attractive redhead.
<*Access Cute Redhead Subroutine and execute*> "*(Drool, slobber).
Hello! What's a nice virtual girl like you doing in a nonexistent place
like this?*"
"Oh, come now, Centauri." The redhead said. "Don't you recognize me?"
Centauri scratched his head, growing an arm on his pinball body to do
it. "*Well, you do sorta look familiar.*" Suddenly the face clicked.
"*Nene? Oh my precious Nene you've come for me at last!*"
"Bingo!" The redhead smiled.
"*You're here to take me to some lurid VR program where you wine, dine
and seduce me, right?*"
"Nope."
Centauri obviously should have clued in by this point, but the Cute
Redhead Subroutine had reduced him to the intellectual capacity of
Kunou. "*You're gonna skip straight to the seduction? Oh goody!*"
"I'm afraid that's never going to happen. You see, you've been a very
*bad* program..."
"*Ohh, you're into the punishment thing!*"
Nene sighed in exasperation, and did something outside of the view of
the window. 
ZOT!
Centauri was zapped with several billion volts, eliciting a sound from
him something like a cross between a modem connect squeal and a
dot-matrix printer.
"Are you going to listen now?" Nene asked sweetly.
"*Sure... you can punish me for being such a *baaaad* program later...*"
"Haven't you figured out what this is about yet? Your human half caught
on almost immediately."
Centauri got the sneaking suspicion that Nene wasn't here expressly for
the purpose of making mad passionate virtual love.
<Temporarily disable Cute Redhead Subroutine>.
As soon as the subroutine disengaged what little sense Centauri had
began screaming at him to run, book a flight to another country and stay
there cowering in fear for the rest of his digital life.
"*Wait... not the...!*"
"SKJAM! Revengfic Challenge?" Nene supplied helpfully.
"* Oh... what's the standard reaction again? Oh My?*"
"Too Kasumi."
"*Oh no, how horrible, what have I done to deserve such a cruel fate?*"
"Too verbose."
"*Urk?*"
"Close enough."
"*URK!*" Centauri croaked. "*Why me?! You already got Alpha! I even
helped you! I practically handed you Biles!*"
"Yes you did, which is why we left you for so long. But now that most of
the high powered fanfic writers are gone, we can focus on the cleanup."
"*But I'm not a fanfic writer!*" Centauri whined.
"You're part of a fanfic writer." Nene replied. Her expression darkened.
"You're the dark half of Alpha Centauri that thinks up all the sadistic
things to put us through."
Centauri gulped (a fairly impressive feat, since he had no neck, throat
or lower body.) "*Y-you're the Nene from BubbleGum Legacy, aren't you.*"
Nene nodded, smiling.
The Cute Redhead Subroutine picked this moment to kick back in. "*Wait,
splatting me would be such a waste of material! I can be reformed! I'm a
changed source code, honest! I'm sure with a loving, beautiful woman
like yourself at my side I could...*"
ZOT!
It took a moment for Centauri to stop smoking. "*sprgflmmm... gak. What
WAS that?*"
"A Zot." Nene replied. "I borrowed it from the Internet Oracle. I
brought it to make sure you behave."
"*Behave... yeah, I can do that. But do I get a treat for being good?*"
Centauri activated his Sad Puppy Dog Eyes procedure.
ZOT!
"*KAFF! Okay, I'll be good! So what am I being punished for? Everything
turns out okay in the end of Legacy...*"
"OKAY?!" Nene cried. "Not only do you have me thrashed within an inch of
my life, amputate Mackie's arm and essentially disband the AD Police and
get me laid off, but you get me MINDWIPED!"
"*You get your mind back.*" Centauri protested lamely. <*Activate Last
Will and Testament program. 'I, Centauri, being of sound mind and
body...'*>.
"But I'm not mad."
Centauri's train of thought abruptly derailed. He struggled out from
under the wreckage. "*You're not? Then there's still hope for that VR
program thingie?*"
ZOT!
"*Guess not... *Gakk*!*"
"You see, there's a character you've created who's not terribly happy
with his development. He'd like to talk to you. You actualy have a lot
in common."
"*A lot in...*" The digital equivalent of Centauri's stomach dropped
like a stone, doing backflips the entire way down. "*No! Not HIM!*"
Nene smiled again, a nasty, evil smile. "Yes, HIM. Since he's the source
of all the torture you put us through in Legacy, I thought you might be
able to appreciate the irony."
"*NONONONONONONONONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOO!*" Centauri began bouncing
around the small sector of cyberspace he now found himself trapped in
like a ball of flubber. "*We haven't tuned his character yet! He's
insane and cruel and sadistic!*"
"Like I said, a lot in common..."
Centauri watched in horror as a dark, bird-like shape descended on him.
"*Uh, hiya, Dark Phoenix! Can we talk?*"
"NO."

Adam was still reading through the FFML when Centauri returned to her
computer. She was mildly surprised to see a partially melted happyface
appear on her screen. "Well, hello Centauri."
Centauri's brain was mostly slag at this point. However, the Cute
Redhead Subroutine was still functioning, and since Adam was now a
relatively cute redhead...
"*(Drool, slobber) Hello.... beautiful... Wha-wha-what's a nice...*"
Adam slapped him upside his monitor. "It's ME stupid! Alpha a la
Jusenkyo, remember?"
Centauri snapped back to consciousness. "*Wha...? Oh YUCK!
Barfpukeretchvomit!*"
Adam crossed her arms across her chest, then smacked the monitor again
because Centauri had begun staring at that particular area.
"Jerk! So you finally got yours, huh?"
"*Oh, Alpha, it was horrible!*" Centauri gushed. "*They tortured me!
They taunted me! They... they made me watch quicktime clips of Barney
and Friends!*"
Adam gasped involuntarily. "That's inhuman? Who got you?"
"*Nene and D-D-D-Dark Phoenix.*" Centauri managed. "*I-I might feel
better if you held my monitor in your gentle arms...*"
Adam hit a special key combination, and an explosion blew a hole in the
middle of what was left of Centauri's forehead.
"Would you kill the Cute Redhead Subrountine already?! You're starting
to sound like Happosai!"
"*Owwwwwww! That HURT!*" Centauri grew arms, and stuck an oversized
band-aid over the hole. <Disengage Cute Redhead Subroutine>. "*You could
have a little more sympathy, y'know?*"
"Sympathy?" Adam said, voice rising. "Look at me. I AM A GIRL! In case
you hadn't noticed, I wasn't born a girl! This is YOUR fault!"
"*You think you got it bad?*" Centauri replied. "*Pour some cold water
on the monitor.*"
Adam shrugged and complied. As the water hit, Centauri's happyface
transformed into Ms. Pac Man. "*See?!*"
It took Adam nearly fifteen minutes to recover from her laughing fit.
She grabbed the teakettle, still giggling, and poured some on her head.
"YEOWCH! HOT! How does Ranma do this every day?" Adam said, rubbing his
scalded scalp. He poured a little on the monitor, turning Ms. Pac Man
back into Centauri's happyface pinball.
"At least the reversal works. Some poor jerks are stuck in their cursed
forms." Adam placed his hands flat on the keyboard. "Okay, synch up with
me."
"*Why?*"
"There's an underground on the FFML organising a counter strike. we
gotta get in on it before any other innocent fanfic writers get hit."
"*And so you can get some satisfying yet morally pointless revenge?*"
"That too."
Adam closed his eyes as his and Centauri's consciousnesses slid into
each other. Alpha Centauri opened his eyes, and launched his mail
program, hoping against hope that someone knew what the hell was going
on, or at least that he could find and hurt SKJAM! for starting this
whole damned thing.