Some C&C:
bridget ellen engman wrote:
The sound of splashing water startled him, and he looked up
at Akane. She had finished her lemonade and was leaning back
against the tree trunk, dipping a yellow handkerchief in a bowl
of ice water and running it over her face and neck. Her eyes
were half-open, gazing over the wall at the neighboring rooftops,
but after a moment she glanced over at Ranma, smiling wearily.
"Want some?" Ranma put his hands behind his head and
watched a sparrow fly out of the tree overhead.
"No, thanks. I don't feel like being a girl right now.
Besides, your dad'll freak if I'm out here without a shirt as a
girl." He looked sidelong at Akane again.
"Oh, finally getting modest?" Ranma twinged a bit, but it
was too hot to fight.
I think you're paragraphing incorrectly here. For example, it looks at
first glance as if Ranma is saying "Want some?" when, in fact, it's
Akane. I would say do it like this:
...after a moment she glanced over at Ranma, smiling wearily.
"Want some?"
Ranma put his hands behind his head and watched a sparrow
fly out of the tree overhead. "No, thanks... <snip>". He looked
sidelong at Akane again.
"Oh, finally getting modest?" Akane sounded skeptical.
Ranma twinged a bit, but....
I added a bit to make it clear that it was Akane speaking. This is just
a suggestion; dividing it this way makes it a lot easier to understand
who is saying what.
This is quite good. The descriptions are quite vivid; it was easy for
me to get into the moment, playing along with Akane and Ranma.
One might question whether Akane and Ranma are far along enough in their
relationship to allow such a playful exchange. I would tell One to shut
up and go hide in a corner; One needs to allow a little leeway for
excellent vignettes like this. ^_^
This definitely isn't a lemon. Oh, it's easy to feel the sexual
implications, but nothing is explicit at all. It's not really erotic,
even, just vivid.
I loved the ending. Made me smile. :) I'm a sucker for happy
Ranma/Akane stories.
It would be interesting to see you do a lemon. I'll bet you could write
something very erotic without being vulgar. That would be a pleasant
change.
Have you written anything else? I'd like to see it.
Anyhoo, well done. I hope this doesn't get lost in all of the "Revenge"
and "Strike Back" spamfics; this is worthy of attention.