Subject: Ranma Saotome VS. HAYESman
From: "Harold C.Hayes" <hayesman@webspan.net>
Date: 10/2/1996, 12:14 AM
To: fanfic@fanfic.com

>From the inner regions of J.A.I.L.E.D., a single computer matrix glows, 
all other signs of intelegent life have vanished.  It is night, time for 
the computer to do its dirty work.

When I said all signs of intellegent life were gone, I wasn't entirely 
telling the truth.  One man, tough his actually intelegence is 
questionable, was in the building and he was at least a genious level 
when it comes to computers.  He walked down to the basement and slid open 
an old cabinet and reveiled a hidden door.  He opened the door and 
proceed down his secret lair.

His secret lair looked very much like a computer nerds room combined with 
Dr. Frankenstein's laboratory.  He swithed on the big computer and it 
talked to him.

man;  "How is the little project going?"

computer:  "Quite well.  All of the Takahashi-sama copyright have been 
destroyed, morally crushed, physically crushed, or trapped in alternate 
dementions... save one."

Man:  "What?!!?!  I said all copyright violators must be annailated!  
What's wrong!?

Com:  "Well, as you know, we send nanotech robots smaller than light 
particals through the fiber optics, then refrm them using the data on the 
specific subject to make a "synthoid" of the character with all memories 
we dictate, to have the synthoid destoy the writer of the fanfic and suck 
him into the computer.  Because the fanfic writers are people and not 
synthoids, they are vaporized and there last trace memories are zapped 
back throught the ML as an otakufic.  All the subjects of Takahashi have 
used Takahashi's charcters as MAIN characters and done something to that 
character that might make a plausible escuse to make the character want 
to destroy the writer, but this last one has done nothing of the sort.

Man: "Immpossible!  Who is he?  What are his works?"

Com: "He is the writer "HAYES".  He made a "DNR" fanfic concerning "Ace 
Ventura".  Takahashi-sama's lovely characters were just foils.  He is now 
writing "Arabian Knightz" on his Word Perfect, but it does not have any 
character violations."

Man: "Aha!  Then send a "Ventura" synthoid!  He will be killed for his 
violating of that character!

Com:  "Negative.  Nano-tech programing requires much memory space.  We 
could only make a few functioning characters."

Man:  "Damn.  That's right.  Well, are you sure he never had any IDEAS 
that would make Ranma angry?"

Com:  "One of his posts stated that he had an idea to impregnate the 
character..."

Man:  " Aha!  Then program a "Ranma" to want to kill him for that!"

Com:  "Yes sir... programing..."
	
	The man turns to the wall with a large, poster size photo of 
Rumiko Takahashi.

Man: "Soon... soon... my dear, my work shall be complete, all the 
blasephimers will be dead and only your pure lituature will remain... 
After I do away with the last of the lurkers, I will send my viruses to 
destroy all the posted fanfiction!  Only the pure Ranma Nibunnoichi shall 
reign! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Somewhere in New Jersey:

	Hayes got home from work one night.  He immedialtly turned on his 
computer.   As it booted up, he pondered on how pathetic it was that he 
still lived in his parents' basement.  But he was patcient.  Soon he 
would be out on his own and he could concentrate ont he three basics of 
life: Attending college, creating comics, and working at Path Mark.  
(Eating and sleeping would be thrown in there too, somewhere)
	The first thin he did when windows came up was dail the web.  
Because he was on the fanfic mailing list, he had to chech his E-mail 
every chance he got or he would be flooded with messages.
	This time he got 50.  All "SKJAM's challenge".  He thought it 
weird that he never heard from any of the author's after there recent 
posts.
	Seeing that there was no messages specifically addressed for him, 
or his work, he let the computer sit until the screensaver came on and 
proceeded to do some physics homework.
	In a few minutes, he noticed that ordinary starfeild had changed 
into a sort of whirling patern.  The monitior began to shake.  And soon, 
POW!
	Smoke cleared. 
	Ranma Saotome sat on the keyboard, looking very sternly at Hayes. 
 	Hayes just stared dumfounded.
	"Uh...Konnichiwa?"
	"Konnichiwa, kimosabi." Ranma said, sarcastically.
	"Ano... Ie nihongo..."<Uh.. no Japanese...>
	"Cut the crap, Mike!"
	"Hey! How do you know my name?", was Hayes' reply.
	"Oh!  I know all sorts of things about you!"
	"Um, why are you here?"
	"I'm here to settle a little score about a fanfic!"
	"Wait, I never wrote a detrimental fanic about you.  I barely 
ever wrote one."
	"Oh?  What about the one where I get pregnant?!"
	"Uh, I never wrote that, nor had any intention of writing it..."
	"Yeah, right!  Well, how would you like it!?"
	"Like what?"
	"Getting pregnant?"
	"Are YOU going to get me pregnant?"
	"Hell no!  But I am gonna beat the stuffing out of you for it!", 
Ranma cracked his knuckles.
	Hayes was a bit stunned.
	"Are you going to beat me up for having a thought?", Hayes asked, 
humbly.
	"Yes!"
	Hayes thought this strange.  Ranma was a passionate person, but 
he doubted he would beet up a defensless otaku who had never done 
anything to him.
	Hayes got on his hands and knees.  "If I have offended you that 
much, then you may beat me.  I'm very sorry."
	Ranma wasn't taken back at all.  Without missing a beat he kicked 
upward and hit Hayes.  Hayes fell backward.
	"Something is definately wrong", Hayes thought to himself as he 
assesed he wounds, "The REAL Ranma would never hit a man who couldn't 
defend himself...its like he's an evil Ranma, created just to destroy 
me..."
	Ranma began walking toward Hayes, cracking his knuckles and 
laughing menaicly.
	Hayes did the only thing he could, he ran.  Up from the basement 
and locked the door.
	Ranma was right behind him and soon was banging on the door.  
Hayes locked it with a chair against the doorknob, but that wasn't going 
to last long.
	Suddenly, Hayes got a flash of insparation.  He ran up to his 
mother's room.  At the foot of the bed, there slept the family house cat, 
Tiger.  (Hayes thought it strange about how his family were such sound 
sleepers...)
	Without warning, Hayes grabbed the cat and ran downstairs, just 
as the basement door flew open.  Ranma charged at Hayes for a second, 
then the next second he was trembling on the ground in fear.
	Hayes took this opportunity to ask some quetions.  "Who are you?! 
 Who are you working for?!"
	"I donknow! Idonknow!", Ranma gasped.
	Hayes backed up Ranma from the hall into the kitchen.
	Here, he paused a bit to reflect on his situation.  Big Mistake. 
 Tiger soon crept out of Hayes' grip and ran off into the darkness.
	Ranma soon regained that sinister look in his eye.
	Looking around for somethintg to through at him, Hayes picked up 
a cup on the kitchen table and threw it at Ranma.  Surprisingly, ranma 
began to twitch an spasm...
	Hayes realized that the cup was filled with water at room 
temperature.  He looked over to Ranma who's hair was now flickering from 
red to black.  "Now I get it!  In your world, you never encountered tepid 
water because every thing was BLACK AND WHITE!  Hot or cold!"
	Ranma was too busy convulsing in pain to notice.
	However, in a minute, his eyes rolled back into his head and 
began staggering toward Hayes with an outstreched hand..."I'll kill 
you...I'll KILL YOU..."
	Hayes bacame frantic and ripped the leg off the kitchen table. He 
bashed Ranma over the head.  Hayes was then even more worried because 
Ranma was now spilling gray, painlike blood.  
	Still Ranma staggared forward, "I'LL KILL YOU...I'LL KILL YOU..."
	Hayes started beating the Ranma into the ground with his 
makeshift club.  
	Soon the Ranma lay as still on the floor.
	Gasping, Hayes looked down upon it.  "That'll teach you to mess 
with a comic book artist..."
	Hayes replaced the table leg as best he could.
	He then turned to the Ranma on the kitchen floor.  It began to 
melt into a metalic gray-colored goo.
	"Ack!  Its a T-1000!", baring this in mind, he was very causios 
as he collected the goo and stored it in a galvanized steel bucket that 
he bought at home depot just because it looked like the one in Ranma 1/2.
	Taking it back downstairs, he examined it.  He noticed a small 
plug that seemed to fit into last port of his computer.  HIs curiosity 
over took him.  He plugged in the goo, and accesed it through DOS.  
(Amazingly, his computer was still in perfect working order.)
	
	Hayes discovered some interesting files.
	
	Then he wrote a little virus.
	
	And mailed it over the internet...

	
	Back in the secret layer, the man was sitting in a swivel chair, 
in his leisure suit, and being served by two "Shampoo" synthoids.  One 
was giving him a backrub, the other was serving tea.  By the way, they 
were bothe wearing Victoria Secret's best kept secrets...
	Suddenly, a huge explosion was heard from the monitor.  Dozens of 
varous men and women appeared in the smoke...
	
Nightelf:  "Hey!  Where are we?"

Scott:  "Hey!  That must be the guy who sent those Ranmas after us!"

Sebastian:  "Let's get him!"

Mousse Lee: "Hey!  Shampoo!"

Kun-chan:  "Now you die!!"

....