Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble
by Uncle Fester
It was a dark and stormy night. Well, it really wasn't all that
dark (being around dinner time and all) and it wasn't storming, not
even cloudy. It's just that I always wanted to open a story with: 'It
was a dark and stormy night'. Ahem, on with the story.
Shampoo slumped over the counter, her cheek resting on her fist,
her fingers drumming the counter softly.
The evening wasn't kind to her diner. There had been few
customers and no delivery orders. Even now, the diner was empty.
Mousse was dozing in a chair while Shampoo watched lazily as couples
passed their door without stopping. With grandmother away searching
for rare herbs, Shampoo was left in charge. Ordinarily, she would
have enjoyed the responsibility, but tonight her mind was on other
matters.
"Grandmother think Shampoo fail to get husband Ranma," she
pouted, leaning on her recently cleaned counter. "She think Shampoo
not good at magic. I show her." Her lips curled into smile as she
pulled from her apron pocket a small black book. "I use strong magic
of book to bring husband to Shampoo." She giggled, clutching the
small book to her chest.
She had found the book in her grandmother's room while looking
for something else. Thumbing through the pages, it became apparent
the she was holding a book of her grandmother's most powerful potions
and spells. She marveled at the pages as each potion was elaborately
described and illustrated. Each was colorfully displayed in a picture
of a beautiful glass, looking cool and tempting.
Directing Mousse to close the empty diner early, Shampoo retired
to the small experimental kitchen off to the side of the main
restaurant. Mousse, however, felt the need to, once again, address
the matter of his love for Shampoo.
"Perhaps now would be a good time to discuss..." His voice was
cut off by Shampoo's fist as she punched him hard enough to bounce off
the wall, leaving him seated on the floor holding his nose. Shampoo
continued walking as if nothing happened.
"Nerhaps a nudder timbe."
"Stupid Mousse," Shampoo muttered. "Shampoo have more important
things to do, like use grandmother's book of spells to bring husband."
She smiled again as she entered the small kitchen. "Stupid violent
Akane girl keep husband away. Shampoo fix her."
Closing the door to the rest of the diner, the Chinese girl began
setting up her 'Frankenstein' laboratory.
"Let's see," she checked the items she had available. "Mixing
bowls, spoons, mortar, pestle, blender, microwave, cuisenart.
Everything here." She nodded approval. "Now for book."
As she opened the ancient book, its hinges seemed to creak and
little wisps of dust raised a small cloud around the book and girl.
"What language this?" Shampoo pondered out loud. "It not Chinese
or Japanese." She rubbed the book's cover enough to reveal it's
title. In English letters, it spelled out Bartender's Guide of
1945'. Shrugging her shoulders, she mumbled: "Oh well, if grandmother
keep hidden from Shampoo, must be powerful. I just guess at words.
Not hard."
Shampoo set about worrying a formula from the mixed drink guide
she was holding. Satisfied she had all the ingredients necessary for
the first potion, Shampoo stepped back slightly and waited. Moments
passed and nothing happened.
"Stupid book." she pouted. "Potion needs grandmother's special
herbs to work."
Shampoo found the jar that contained her grandmother's carefully
hoarded cache of special spices and herbs from China that she used
whenever she cast her spells or mixed a powerful potion. There
weren't many left. Figuring that only a pinch was necessary, Shampoo
carefully reached over the bowl containing the potion and dropped the
herbs in. She was rewarded with a blinding flash of light followed by
small mushroom shaped cloud that hovered ominously over the bowl
before dissipating with a sickly sweet smell.
When the smoke cleared, Shampoo looked around carefully but found
no Ranma. With set jaw, she crept to the door and looked into the
diner. All she saw was Mousse sweeping the floor and muttering about
how he would get even with Ranma for stealing his girl.
"Stupid book." Shampoo muttered again as she returned to her
'laboratory'. "Good thing book have many spells. This one not work."
Across town, at the Tendo residence, Akane Tendo had cornered
Ranma in her bedroom and was privately berating him about his recent
actions. As usual, she was worked up in a lather. Also, as usual,
Ranma was acting bored with the whole affair.
"Wish I was at the movies," he muttered. In a blinding special
effect that ILM would have been proud of, he disappeared.
Akane was startled when Ranma's body flared into incandescence
and disappeared. In his place sat a middle aged, overweight Caucasian
man in a white sequinned jump-suit, with a long white scarf around his
neck, long side burns, a pompadour hairdo and dark glasses. He seemed
unconcerned at his sudden presence in the bedroom of a teenaged
Japanese girl.
"Who...?" Akane started, her eyes bigger and rounder than even
Kitty films would consider drawing.
"Hey, little momma," the white-suited character began with a
Memphis accent. "Now don't be cruel, uh-huh. I'm the king. The man
from Memphis."
Akane's face suddenly took on a harder expression as she scowled
at the intruder.
"Where's Ranma?" she demanded, hands on hips, leaning forward,
and glaring at her guest'.
"Never heard of him, little momma," he cooed. "Perhaps you need
a special song to help you relax." With that, he starting singing
Heartbreak Hotel' but was quickly interrupted by someone banging on
the wall next door.
"Akane, turn down that stupid radio," came Nabiki's voice through
the wall. "And stop with the lame 'Elvis' impersonations. You don't
sound anything like him."
Akane slapped her forehead and thought: <I just *know* that witch
Cologne is behind all this. I'll bet she has Ranma right now.>
"Come on, we're leaving." She grabbed the singer's hand and drug
him out the door and down the steps. They easily escaped the
residence without being seen. However, the sight of a slightly built
teenaged girl dragging a 50's singing idol through the evening streets
of Nerima caused more than one person to stop and stare.
"Was that...?" asked one girl.
"Naw, couldn't be." answered another. "Besides, he's dead."
"But he's with Akane Tendo."
"Well, maybe she's into older men."
Both girls shrugged and continued on their way.
By this time, Shampoo had tried other combinations and potions,
all without much success. All she got for her trouble was two Knight
Sabers, a tattooed black basketball player in a Bulls uniform sporting
yellow hair, and a elderly white male with a longish nose and loose
jowls who kept repeating: 'I am not a crook. I am not a crook.'.
"MOUSSE!"
"Yes, Shampoo, my darling," Mousse answered as he stuck his head
through he door.
Wacking Mouse over the head with a thrown pestle, Shampoo
directed him to see to their 'guests' while she tries to figure out
how to send them back.
"Well you better," the basketball player said pointing his finger
at her. "It's the fourth quarter and stupid Jordan can't play worth
%#*$&! without me."
Shampoo pulled out her bonbori and knocked him through the door
into the diner.
"Shampoo not have time for smart-ass basketball player." She
began thumbing through little back book again. "Besides, Chicago have
better team without him."
She was interrupted when the back door burst open.
"Shampoo, you refugee from a WWF wrestling ring, what have you
done with Ranma?!" Akane yelled as she entered the kitchen, dragging a
confused looking Elvis behind her.
"Shampoo not know what violent tomboy talking about," she
answered with crossed arms. "But Shampoo happy to see Akane find new
boyfriend."
Akane vibrated with anger. "Look you," she growled, yanking the
overweight Elvis so he wound up between them. "This, is what you left
me when you took Ranma."
"For you, an improvement."
"I want Ranma back."
"Not have" Shampoo stated smugly and turned back to her potions.
"Pardon me, ladies," Elvis began. "But I was wondering if there
was something to eat, here abouts. You know, it's been almost two
hours since I've eaten and..."
"MOUSSE!"
"Yes, Shampoo, my darling," Mousse answered as he stuck his head
through he door.
"Feed!" she ordered, pointing to Elvis.
Mousse led Elvis by the hand into the diner, all the time
muttering about 'Mousse do this and Mousse do that.'
Akane looked over the mess Shampoo had made in the kitchen and
quickly surmised what she was up to. She was playing with her
grandmother's potions but didn't have a clue as to what she was doing.
Needless to say, Akane felt confident that Shampoo didn't have Ranma.
Unfortunately, she was also confident that, wherever Ranma was,
Shampoo was the last person who would be able to get him back.
"You don't have him, do you?" Akane accused with crossed arms
and tapping foot. "And you don't have a clue as to where he went."
"Shampoo have way," she said holding up the little black book.
"Shampoo get husband with grandmother's magic."
Akane just rolled her eyes. "My cooking's better than your
magic."
"Shampoo prove to violent tomboy."
Mixing ingredients in a dirty bowl, Shampoo quickly summoned up a
giant long necked yellow bird.
"Hello," the bird said in a very nasally voice. "Won't you be my
friend?"
"No! MOUSSE!"
"Yes, Shampoo, my darling," Mousse answered as he stuck his head
through he door.
"Main course!" she demanded pointing to the bird.
"Actually, all I was looking for was..gwaaaak!" the bird's voice
was cut off as the white robed Chinese boy grabbed it's neck.
Dragging the bird into the back room, Mousse muttered about how it was
going to take all night to pluck a bird of such size. Still, millions
of children around the world could be heard cheering.
Akane had seen enough. Taking a conveniently placed (aren't they
always) metal bucket of water, she dumped the frigid contents over
Shampoo's head, following up with slamming the empty bucket down over
the soaking wet white cat for good measure.
"Meow?" the cat cried from under the bucket.
[Klang] "Shut up!" Akane yelled as she stomped on the bucket's
bottom. Turning to the kitchen mess before her: "If that bimbo can do
this, so can I." Akane grabbed the large blender and tried a few of
the buttons.
"I wonder if Oneechan has one of these." she muttered marveling
at the whirling blades. "Faster than mixing the stuff by hand."
For the next thirty minutes, Akane tried every recipe in the
book. 'Bloody Mary', 'Singapore Sling', even 'Tequila Sunrise' failed
to bring back Ranma. All they did was produce more mess and more
strange characters.
[Poof] "Darn!"
"Meow." [Klang]
[Poof] "Crud!"
"Meow." [Klang]
[Poof] "Rats! Arrrrrrgh!"
"Meow?" [Bang-Klang-Crash]
Exhausted, Akane wandered to the door and peaked into the diner.
It was full of all the strange characters she had summoned with the
magic potions.
A little round headed kid in shorts was explaining kite
aerodynamics to the Wright Brothers. Nixon was arguing situational
ethics with a short, Germanic looking man with greasy hair and a tiny
mustache. The Beatles were performing in the corner while Elvis kept
running back and forth yelling they stole all his songs. The black
basketball player was listening patiently while Albert Einstein
insisted that 'hang time' was only an illusion. Over in another
corner, Kun-chan was choking the life out of Trish Ledux while yelling
something about 'not being canon'. All the while, Geraldo Rivera was
digging holes in the diner's floor insisting he was going to be the
first to unearth the secret vault of the Meiji Dynasty.
"Sorry Ranma," Akane sighed as she turned away from the dining
room circus. "There's only two recipes left. I hope I guess right."
"Meow!" [Wham-bang]
"Shut up!"
She quickly mixed a lethal looking combination of bourbon, vodka,
duck eggs, mothballs, toilet cleaner, raman noodles, and, of course,
lots of Cologne's magic herbs. Turning on the blender to 'whip', she
stood back. Good thing too, as the result was strong enough to blow
the top off the blender, filling the room with thick purple smoke.
Coughing, Akane waived her arms trying to clear the smoke enough
to see what she had summoned.
"Eeeeep!" she gasped, clutching her mouth with her hands.
Sitting naked on the floor was her father, dripping wet with his
little towel still perched on his head. His expression, however, was
still totally neutral.
"Daddy?"
"First it was the pig. Now this." Soun said calmly as he
continued to look straight ahead.
Akane quietly busied herself picking up parts of the blender and
fitting them back together. She tried to pretend it wasn't her father
wasn't sitting naked and dripping wet on the floor next to her table,
but it wasn't easy.
<Well, at least I'm getting closer.> she thought with some
satisfaction.
"Hand your father a towel, daughter."
Akane quickly tossed her father the largest towel she could find
and looked around the room, prevaricating while he stood and wrapped
himself in the towel.
"Meow." [Klang]
"I trust this is Shampoo's diner," he said calmly.
"Ahhh, yes daddy."
"Fine. Then I can just walk home from here." With that, he
quietly exited the diner and, wearing only a towel, began his walk
home.
Angrily, Akane grabbed the little black book and thumbed to the
last page.
"This is it," she said out loud. "This *has* to be the right
potion. It's the only one left."
Akane packed the blender with everything she thought the book
required: liquor of various types and quantities; underarm roll-on,
toothpaste, two cans of 'OFF' spray; and the last of Cologne's magic
herbs. As an afterthought, she stuffed the book itself in for good
measure and slammed closed the lid. With a determined look, she
swallowed hard and pressed 'puree'. The blender vibrated for a few
seconds before exploding, blowing out the side of the building and
leaving a thick cloud of green smoke that smelled faintly of mint
julep.
For several seconds, nothing moved. Slowly, a blackened hand
hesitantly rose above the table before slamming down onto its surface,
clutching the far edge. Soon, Akane's head emerged from behind the
damaged table, her face blackened and her hair looking like Don King.
"Meow?" [Bang]
"Shut up!"
Mousse was the first to appear. Holding his glasses to steady
them, he examined the ruined kitchen before approaching a bag of
sugar.
"I don't know what you did, Shampoo, but it seems to have worked.
Everybody's gone from the diner." he said addressing the bag of sugar.
"Are you all right?"
"Shampoo's fine," Akane coughed. [Klang] "She's right where she
ought to be."
"Oh, good. By the way, I just remembered that Cologne said she
would be back by midnight. I'm going to bed now. Night." Mousse
walked out through the hole in the wall and wandered down the street
looking for his bedroom.
"I'm sorry, Ranma," Akane moaned as she leaned over the damaged
table. "I tried everything in that old witch's book and *nothing*
worked."
"What didn't work?" came a familiar voice from the open wall.
Akane's head flew up to see a confused looking Ranma Saotome
bending over to look through the hole into the ruined diner.
"Ranma!" she cheered excitedly. "What happened to you? Where
have you been?"
"All I remember is one minute you were yelling at me and the
next, I'm sitting in a movie theater with..." He pulled a girl into
the dim light. "Uccan." Ukyou clutched Ranma's arm, rubbed her cheek
against his shoulder and smiled at Akane.
"Aaaaaaa!" Akane screamed at the sight of her rival.
"Meow." [Bang-crash-pow!]
"Shut up!"
"Geeez, Akane. You guys really made a mess this time." Ranma
observed. "What were you doing, taking cooking lessons from Shampoo?"
He snickered. "I mean, if she didn't have that old crone to do the
cooking, she'd have poisoned half the city by now."
"MEOW! MEOW!!! MEOW!!!!!"
"I quite agree." Akane said tipping the bucket over to release
Shampoo the cat. "Sic-em."
The last Akane saw of the trio, Ranma was running for his life
with a little white cat close on his heels and Ukyou, swinging her
giant spatula, chasing the cat; the sounds of her spatula rang through
the night air as she repeatedly slammed it into the street trying to
squash the offending feline.
"Oh well," Akane thought while rinsing off all the black soot and
grime from the explosion. "Shampoo'll get hers when Cologne gets back
and finds the shop ruined, all her magic herbs gone, and her little
black book of potions only a memory.
Akane was about to set off for home when a voice behind her
asked: "Pardon me, little momma. But would you happen to know the way
to Graceland?"